Need to help my girlfriend lose weight

[NotoriousRich]

Hey guys, I was hoping I could get some tips or advice or words of support with a huge issue I've been dealing with...


My girlfriend and I are both 22. She's overweight (not obese, but definitely overweight). I'm pretty fit and workout occasionally (basketball player physique), and I'm a very health-conscious eater. Over the years I've cut off many bad food (sodas, fast food, alcohol, etc.). I've taken up meditation. I'm just a very health-conscious person. My diet is pretty simple and clean and healthy. Hers however is not. She eats whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

She's been really tired for months now, so about a month ago she went to her doctor and had blood work done. Turns out she's right on the edge of being pre-diabetic. Her doctor said she needs to start exercising and lose 25lbs. When I heard this I was immediately scared and immediately thought of all the ways I could help her get healthier. I've been working out on and off for about 5 years and have a lot to show for it. I'm not the incredible Hulk and I'm not an extreme fitness buff, but I know how the body works, I've earned and worked for my gym results over the years, I know good foods from bad foods, I know macros, I read about the human body in my spare time, etc. I feel like I have enough knowledge and experience to help her and guide her on how to get healthier, because she has no idea how.

I gave her a workout schedule, I made a weight tracking chart for her, I got her to write down some weight loss goals, I helped her pick her foods for her daily diet, etc. It was all good... for about a week. Then she slowly started to go back to eating whatever she wants. I keep telling her to read the labels and add up the calories and macros as she goes (she has a food calculator app on her phone), but she always has an excuse. "I don't know how many calories was in that dumpling", "I'll put in what I ate at the end of the day", "There was nothing else to eat I had to eat that slice of pizza". It's always excuses. She doesn't take responsibility for what she puts in her mouth and she never plans ahead. She always complains and asks if she's allowed to eat unhealthy things in small doses. I tell her no, you can start to have small "cheat meals" once you actually produce some results first. In 2 weeks she's lost 2 pounds. That's great and I let her know that, but that's not enough to earn the right to snack on pizza for a whole day. She's a carb lover and always wanting to eat pasta and potatoes and bread.

We've had plenty of conversations about her health and how I'm trying to help her get healthy and avoid diabetes because it's creeping up on her and I don't want to see her have to live with that. She's vented, I've vented, she's cried, we've made up, etc. Fast forward to today. She's been on her on and off diet for about 2-3 weeks in total. 2 days ago she ate two plates of pasta. Today she ate 2 more. It's like she doesn't care. Her goals and health and commitment and discipline just goes out the window. I see her taking the food and I call her out on it and tell her she shouldn't be eating that and she just says "Oh, sorry" and kinda shrugs it off as she wolfs down a fork full of greasy pasta. I'm just tired of acting like her parent rather than her boyfriend. I constantly have to be on her to eat right and work out when she should, but she always has an excuse or she's always cheating on her diet. And I hate calling it a "diet", because that sounds so temporary. I like to tell her you're not on a diet, you're on a lifestyle change. She say's "ok yeah you're right, I'm sorry, I'm really trying". But I'm just tired of the excuses.

How can I deal with this? It's putting a strain on our relationship. Everytime I see her eating a chocolate bar or a bowl of potatoes it makes me feel resentful to her. Like all the effort and help I'm trying to give her, she just takes for granted and ends up doing whatever she wants. Her body still turns me on but MENTALLY she's really turning me off. Her lack of discipline and commitment to her health is a huge turn off. It's like she doesn't care, she doesn't change.

If you guys could give me your thoughts, it would be much appreciated. I want to help her so much. I lead by example with what I do and eat everyday. But I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I'm torn.

[Violettt]

You cannot make someone do something they don't want to do. The commitment to health and fitness is something someone needs that inner drive for. It takes so much self-discipline. The more you push her, the more she will resent you and rebel. Since this is a BIG issue for you...I don't think you guys are compatible. I personally wouldn't be able to be with someone who doesn't support my lifestyle or lives a completely different one from me.

[HealthNut12]

You cannot make someone do something they don't want to do. The commitment to health and fitness is something someone needs that inner drive for. It takes so much self-discipline. The more you push her, the more she will resent you and rebel. Since this is a BIG issue for you...I don't think you guys are compatible. I personally wouldn't be able to be with someone who doesn't support my lifestyle or lives a completely different one from me.

I have to agree. My personal story, I live with my mom and i used to be obese. Not just overweight, obese. My watched me eat giant plates of Chinese, whole buckets of KFC, McD's 4 times a week and bottles of soda. I knew I was fat. My mom knew I was fat. She never, ever, once tried to confront me. She did try to discourage me from eating so much in a nice subtle weigh. Over two years ago, I saw a pic of myself (on my bodyspace page) and realized I had to make a change. And I made it happy.

My mom told me she never nagged me because it had to come from me, not her.

Your girlfriend has to be the one to make the commitment and dedication. And if she's not ready (your statement about her not taking responsibly makes me think maybe she's not) you can't really force her. Eventually someone is going to get resentful. I think you've made a great effort and I think you've gone about it great but the rest is up to her.

Good luck.

[NotoriousRich]

I have to agree. My personal story, I live with my mom and i used to be obese. Not just overweight, obese. My watched me eat giant plates of Chinese, whole buckets of KFC, McD's 4 times a week and bottles of soda. I knew I was fat. My mom knew I was fat. She never, ever, once tried to confront me. She did try to discourage me from eating so much in a nice subtle weigh. Over two years ago, I saw a pic of myself (on my bodyspace page) and realized I had to make a change. And I made it happy.

My mom told me she never nagged me because it had to come from me, not her.

Your girlfriend has to be the one to make the commitment and dedication. And if she's not ready (your statement about her not taking responsibly makes me think maybe she's not) you can't really force her. Eventually someone is going to get resentful. I think you've made a great effort and I think you've gone about it great but the rest is up to her.

Good luck.

Thanks for the replies guys.

So basically I should stop being on her about what she eats and when to work out? I've put so much effort and mental stress into coming up with a daily schedule for her, picking foods for her to eat, etc. Things she should be doing herself. Like I said, I feel like her parent rather than her boyfriend. But I was okay with it to give her a start on a fitness life because she had no clue how. I was fine helping her start. But now i constantly have to keep her on track, and that's not okay, she should be doing that herself. I gave her a boost and now she should be moving, but I constantly have to push her along. You're saying the best way to go about it is to let go and hope she changes? Because unfortunately I can't see it happening. And that worries me because it's her health we're dealing with.

I agree that a fitness lifestyle isn't something someone can grind into you, you have to choose to do it. It just sucks that her doctor, her weight and my helpful efforts are all still not enough to make her WANT to change. I feel like she's just doing it because I'm constantly on her to do it. Like she owes me something. She apologizes to me when I see her eating bad foods because she doesn't want to disappoint me. But she shouldn't be apologizing to me, she should be helping herself. I just wish she could see that.

[Violettt]

Thanks for the replies guys.

So basically I should stop being on her about what she eats and when to work out? I've put so much effort and mental stress into coming up with a daily schedule for her, picking foods for her to eat, etc. Things she should be doing herself. Like I said, I feel like her parent rather than her boyfriend. But I was okay with it to give her a start on a fitness life because she had no clue how. I was fine helping her start. But now i constantly have to keep her on track, and that's not okay, she should be doing that herself. I gave her a boost and now she should be moving, but I constantly have to push her along. You're saying the best way to go about it is to let go and hope she changes? Because unfortunately I can't see it happening. And that worries me because it's her health we're dealing with.

I agree that a fitness lifestyle isn't something someone can grind into you, you have to choose to do it. It just sucks that her doctor, her weight and my helpful efforts are all still not enough to make her WANT to change. I feel like she's just doing it because I'm constantly on her to do it. Like she owes me something. She apologizes to me when I see her eating bad foods because she doesn't want to disappoint me. But she shouldn't be apologizing to me, she should be helping herself. I just wish she could see that.

You need to back off a little so stop with the nagging. It's difficult to help someone who can't/won't help themselves. If she just eats healthy and works out to make other people around her happy, she won't stick with it in the long run. If you love her, be there to support her. Don't criticize her. You're her boyfriend, not her dad.

[NotoriousRich]

You need to back off a little so stop with the nagging. It's difficult to help someone who can't/won't help themselves. If she just eats healthy and works out to make other people around her happy, she won't stick with it in the long run. If you love her, be there to support her. Don't criticize her. You're her boyfriend, not her dad.

I do realize I probably come off as nagging, and I hate it, I don't want to be constantly asking her and staying on her about it. But I'm just not sure how to support someone who doesn't want to help themselves. If her diet and workout regiment goes out the window in a week, how do I support that? Just watch her go back to her old ways and say "It's ok, try again when you're ready"? (Serious question). I literally wouldn't know what to say. Do I just... ignore her poor health choices?

I already know she's not the type to change her lifestyle for the better. She's resistant to major lifestyle change. We've had problems with this about other things in her life that she should improve on, and she tries to change for a week or two (because I'm on her to do it) and then she goes back to her old ways. I guess that's just the way she is?

[rutka]

Its very difficult to change lifestyle if she doesn't want to or have no will or any other reasons, you got to be very patient and supportive. somehow convince her that changes are mostly for her not because you are more into her changes, sometimes people don't realise it and definitely nagging or negative approach wouldn't work.
id stay start from small things, changing healthier products, ingredients. If she loves pasta, shall has pasta wholegrain version with low fat low sodium cheese, diet soda and dishes she loves replaces with healthier products. there areplenty of options and still taste very nice.
she is lucky one tho to have supportive boyfriend

[HealthNut12]

I do realize I probably come off as nagging, and I hate it, I don't want to be constantly asking her and staying on her about it. But I'm just not sure how to support someone who doesn't want to help themselves. If her diet and workout regiment goes out the window in a week, how do I support that? Just watch her go back to her old ways and say "It's ok, try again when you're ready"? (Serious question). I literally wouldn't know what to say. Do I just... ignore her poor health choices?

I already know she's not the type to change her lifestyle for the better. She's resistant to major lifestyle change. We've had problems with this about other things in her life that she should improve on, and she tries to change for a week or two (because I'm on her to do it) and then she goes back to her old ways. I guess that's just the way she is?

You can't. You're the support, not the main driving factor. The main drive has to come from her. I'm not going to comment on the things, I don't have enough relationship experience for that. lol I will say this, it's wonderful you want to support her and see healthy. You ask some difficult questions, the answers are probably going to be difficult as well.

[lar447]

Its up to that person to change, if they want it bad enough or there is a motivating factor, change will happen. But you cant create it

[CCCP77]

Next time there is a Fitness and figure competition near you, take her there so she can see that lifestyle and how great people look when they take care of themselves.

Like others posted, you cant change people.

[koatliki]

I think you forgot to mention one important thing here though: does she even want to lose weight or is she one of those "I am fat and beautiful" women? If it is the second one then you're pretty screwed and from my experience in life if she is already that overweight at around 22 then most likely in a decade she will join the ranks of obese women.

In general, I have to agree with Violett: if lack of discipline in general is part of her character then most likely (rarely people change in a such fundamental way) she will always be like that. Think of it like dating an alcoholic: they will do okay for a while to please you but anything (stress, a fight, sickness, etc.) can trigger their relapse. You will have to go through life keeping track and controlling everything they do which eventually will cause resentment.

I think in one case you're likely to successfully 'convert' a younger person to healthy lifestyle: when they are generally disciplined and organized but never really thought of fitness or had anyone talk to them about it. I was one of those people: I actually lifted weights and ate a lot so I thought I was buff at 187lb (with 37" waist) at 5'11" and probably one of the biggest changes in my life happened when I joined this forum and read more about weight lifting. Being exposed to fitness more in general will also slowly change what you consider "fit": I laugh now when I think I thought of myself as buff with 37" waist: I have 29" waist now with more strength and bigger arms (at 160lb) than when I was 187lb. Basically I am saying it is possible for some people to change perspective but you usually need to be organized/disciplined to actually achieve anything in any aspect of life.

[cerigitts]

Trust me, you need to back off the nagging, all you can do is be supportive, but you can't let her lifestyle drag you down too, it'll be easy for you to fall into a rut & end up living her way, gaining weight & being unhappy.

[lilramm]

Trust me, you need to back off the nagging, all you can do is be supportive, but you can't let her lifestyle drag you down too, it'll be easy for you to fall into a rut & end up living her way, gaining weight & being unhappy.

Exactly! Support her as much as you can, but be very aware of the negativity she brings into the relationship. Eventually her excuses are going to start bringing you down. You said you feel like a parent and not a boyfriend = not conducive to a healthy relationship!!

Like everyone else has said, she isn't going to change if she doesn't want to...

[Ganning]

You cannot make someone do something they don't want to do. The commitment to health and fitness is something someone needs that inner drive for. It takes so much self-discipline. The more you push her, the more she will resent you and rebel. Since this is a BIG issue for you...I don't think you guys are compatible. I personally wouldn't be able to be with someone who doesn't support my lifestyle or lives a completely different one from me.

+1
I guess the question is then, how can you make her self-motivated?

-Put on interesting health movies. Example "Supersize me"
-Share health articles about bad foods now and again on her FB. Think Subliminal messages


Another thing, what do you guys do when you are eating all sorts of pizza and spaghetti? If its a rewarding experience, say watching movies and holding hands. Unknowingly you both will crave this experience again, hence the pizza. So try making a salad with some chicken and light dressing and put on her favorite movie 3 days out of the week.....she might want to do that again and again. Reinforcing good habits etc.