A couple years ago when I was in college I had an experience that still shames me to this day. I began going to the school's gym and it was my first time ever doing physical exercise away from my home and parents. I felt anxious in this new realm, and I tried my best to learn from the people I saw there. I found some power lifters and they started to show me how to squat, deadlift, etc.
They gave me some excellent lessons and I made some friendships with the lifters and a few of the women who'd spend all of their time on the treadmills. It seemed like a terribly normal college experience until I saw this one ripped dude, an attractive man, by the squat rack one morning while I was entering the gym. There was just something unusual what he did and I found myself unable to quit looking at him.
Besides the two of us and the one gym attendant we were completely alone. I looked down at my workout guide and saw that my first exercise was squatting and I took his as a sign to meet this guy. I nervously walked up to him, unsure about him, but I did it. When I was within earshot I asked, "Excuse me, do you mind if I work in?"
He said, "Sure. I didn't think anyone else curled in the squat rack here."
"I've never done it before."
"Don't worry. We'll lower the weight and it'll be gentle."
With that the weights slid off the bar. I looked over my shoulder and saw that the gym attendant was busy reading a magazine. I gripped the bar and closed my eyes. I was so worried that my power lifting friends would see me. I started to curl the bar slowly and the guy softly gave me words of encouragement like "good", "oh yea", and "keep going! you're so close!"
When I was done I felt so sore and my hear was racing. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I left immediately, not even finishing my planned workout. When I got to the change room I couldn't even stop looking at myself in the mirror. I felt embarrassed and shamed but at the same time brave and excited. I knew some strange things would happen during my college years, but I never thought I would have done this.
The next few weeks I'd sneak into the gym very early and we'd curl in the squat rack together until the morning sun came up. I don't think the gym attendant ever expected this was going on while he read whatever was left on his desk. That excitement began to fade away though.
Soon it wasn't even to do it when we were the only ones in the gym. I had to do it with people watching. The devilish feeling of being caught doing something so egregious was just so exhilarating that I could no longer do it privately.
It was during this time one of my power lifting friends caught me. I was in the middle of a set when he saw me. I can still remember his reaction. It was as if he walked in on his friend having gay sex. It's an image I'll never forget.
He immediately asked me what I was doing in a very stern and angered tone. I wanted to explain myself but the words just didn't appear. In this silence he said, "God invented the squat rack for squatting. If everyone hear started curling in the squat rack, do you know what would happen? We'd all die because this species would be so weak. Look, I don't care what you do at home in your home gym but I don't want to see it in public."
Sheepishly I muttered, "I'm so sorrry" as I let my head hang. I left to the change room immediately where I cried into my towel. I had never felt that much shame in my entire life.
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