Disciplining a Teenager

[Kaptn Krunch]

Hi Everybody,

I have a 16 y/o son who has become a discipline problem in the last year or two. He refuses to go to school 1 or 2x per week. Even if my wife and I do get him to go to school, he ditches most of his classes. The school doesn't seem to care. They keep encouraging him to drop out because he's bringing down their scores since he has terrible gradees.

Obviously, I'm still bigger than him so I can physically force him to go to school, but I don't want to resort to that. All it does is raise the odds that he will call social services, which is the last thing I need in my life right now. I don't want to let him drop out, because he will be at home with my wife 24/7 being an a$$hole to her, fighting with his siblings and generally refusing to do anything helpful.

I know, you'll say to make his life miserable. However, any punishment I enact punishes the rest of my family as well. If I take his computer away, he turns the house upside down looking for it. If he cannot find it, he calls the cops who come and explain the same thing 'a minor cannot own property'. But it makes life miserable for everyone else. And my wife or I are left to clean everything up and deal with the police, school etc. I can disconnect the wireless modem, but that punishes me and my wife too. If I disconnect the TV, it punishes the rest of the family which is not fair to anyone else.

We have refused to get him a permit until he regularly attends school, but he doesn't seem to care. We refuse to drive him anywhere besides to work/school...But even that, he does not care. He sits in his room 24/7 unless it's dinner time. It sucks to say, but at this point, it seems like I'm out of options. Nothing I'm doing is working.

Lately, I've found myself wishing he was 18 and I could legally kick him out of the house for good.. He is a drain on the rest of the family and he teaches his siblings bad manors...Not to mention that he's verbally and physically abusive (nothing major) to them.

Suggestions? Ideas?

EDIT: I'd like to hear from parents. It's easy to have an opinion on raising teenagers when you've never had a teenager before. I thought I knew everything about raising teenagers before my oldest turned 13 too...

[bigdogfarmhand]

Work him.

Work all that bs out of him.

You need to give him some manual labor anything from cleaning to yard work to cleaning gutters

You work him every free minute he has and stay firm, till he comes and says he understands and is sorry, u don't even have to tell him to. When he ready it will happen

If you need to make up a project then do it

I have 7 brothers most younger and it works every time.

[tyrsnbdr]

Have you sent him to therapy? Have you and your family gone to therapy?

One thing is clear, at the glide path your going on, you will have to decide between your son and the rest of the family.

[Kaptn Krunch]

Work him.

Work all that bs out of him.

You need to give him some manual labor anything from cleaning to yard work to cleaning gutters

You work him every free minute he has and stay firm, till he comes and says he understands, u don't even have to tell him to. When he ready it will happen

If you need to make up a project then to it

I have 7 brothers most younger and it works every time.

How do I do that? He refuses to do chores.

[klaximilian]

Work him.

Work all that bs out of him.

You need to give him some manual labor anything from cleaning to yard work to cleaning gutters

You work him every free minute he has and stay firm, till he comes and says he understands and is sorry, u don't even have to tell him to. When he ready it will happen

If you need to make up a project then do it

I have 7 brothers most younger and it works every time.

Yes. However in order for this to work, he must respect and/or fear you. If he's not afraid of pissing you off or completely disrespecting your authority as his parent, he can simply ignore you. Not sure how deep it runs, but if he has any respect for you, this is a very good option.

Slave Labor FTW.

[bigdogfarmhand]

How do I do that? He refuses to do chores.

Sounds like he has the power. You need a power switch man

My youngest bro was like that.

My dad took every thing out of his room except and desk a bed and a paper and pen. No phone or games or anything no friends nothing



It was a week before he came to my dad and said he was ready to do chores
Edit
Take all his shyt. Lock it up, and then wait. Tell him his stuff is yours till he starts doing that work

After he started doing chores he would get some time to like be on the computer 15 min. Small rewards

[klaximilian]

How do I do that? He refuses to do chores.

So basically he cares little for authority it sounds like.

If you have the means and you're more concerned with straightening him out, ever give military boarding school a thought? He'll come back as clean as a whistle.

[Kaptn Krunch]

Have you sent him to therapy? Have you and your family gone to therapy?

One thing is clear, at the glide path your going on, you will have to decide between your son and the rest of the family.

We talked about therapy 3 months ago, but he said he wouldn't go. His grandma tried to get him to attend therapy last year, but he didn't want to go then either.

[itldescartes69]

Give him freedom. (srs)

[klaximilian]

Give him freedom. (srs)

An immature 16 year-old with no respect for authority has no place with absolute freedom in this world. Especially one that ditches school, refuses help, and doesn't give two sh*ts.

[Kaptn Krunch]

Sounds like he has the power. You need a power switch man

My youngest bro was like that.

My dad took every thing out of his room except and desk a bed and a paper and pen. No phone or games or anything no friends nothing

We already took away everything he had besides his laptop. He sleeps with his laptop under his pillow and he takes it with him everywhere he goes. He has it with him 24/7. Last time we were able to get his laptop away from him I had to physically restrain him while my wife took it away. He called the cops saying I abused him, which got social services involved.

Looked into bording/military school. But they cost between $15,000 to $30,000/year and I cannot afford it.

[mrmr200]

Hi Everybody,

I have a 16 y/o son who has become a discipline problem in the last year or two. He refuses to go to school 1 or 2x per week. Even if my wife and I do get him to go to school, he ditches most of his classes. The school doesn't seem to care. They keep encouraging him to drop out because he's bringing down their scores since he has terrible gradees.

Obviously, I'm still bigger than him so I can physically force him to go to school, but I don't want to resort to that. All it does is raise the odds that he will call social services, which is the last thing I need in my life right now. I don't want to let him drop out, because he will be at home with my wife 24/7 being an a$$hole to her, fighting with his siblings and generally refusing to do anything helpful.

I know, you'll say to make his life miserable. However, any punishment I enact punishes the rest of my family as well. If I take his computer away, he turns the house upside down looking for it. If he cannot find it, he calls the cops who come and explain the same thing 'a minor cannot own property'. But it makes life miserable for everyone else. And my wife or I are left to clean everything up and deal with the police, school etc. I can disconnect the wireless modem, but that punishes me and my wife too. If I disconnect the TV, it punishes the rest of the family which is not fair to anyone else.

We have refused to get him a permit until he regularly attends school, but he doesn't seem to care. We refuse to drive him anywhere besides to work/school...But even that, he does not care. He sits in his room 24/7 unless it's dinner time. It sucks to say, but at this point, it seems like I'm out of options. Nothing I'm doing is working.

Lately, I've found myself wishing he was 18 and I could legally kick him out of the house for good.. He is a drain on the rest of the family and he teaches his siblings bad manors...Not to mention that he's verbally and physically abusive (nothing major) to them.

Suggestions? Ideas?

EDIT: I'd like to hear from parents. It's easy to have an opinion on raising teenagers when you've never had a teenager before. I thought I knew everything about raising teenagers before my oldest turned 13 too...

Did u don the same to your parents ?

[Kaptn Krunch]

Did u don the same to your parents ?

No. I wasn't a model child, but I was never at the level of behavior problems that my oldest is at.

[mrmr200]

No. I wasn't a model child, but I was never at the level of behavior problems that my oldest is at.

Then tow years more to go bro

[morninglory81]

Does he have anything that he enjoys or is good at that you see value in? Does he like to work with his hands or is he artistic. It is easy to only see the disruption he is causing but can you find one thing he is doing now that you can encourage him in? It is possible he can't see any value or potential in himself so has chosen not to try. It is a scary thing to grow up and realize you will soon be accountable for your failures. He may not want to feel the pain of not measuring up so has chosen to keep his expectations low. He may see no value in himself and this is what you need to cultivate. You need to help him find his unique value.

[mslman71]

All I have is ideas for the upper hand on the power struggle: Open the circuit breaker to his room. Add a password to wifi and make sure neighbors aren't broadcasting openly. Change admin privileges on his laptop. See if you can talk with truancy or other local law enforcement to see if maybe having him go through the process of being detained and what-not by the police scares the attitude out of him.

My kids are still young... not looking forward to the teenage years. I recall how stubborn I was.

[frozensparky]

Disciplining a teenager starts way before the teenage years. He seems to have already learned that the more he acts out when your trying to discipline him the quicker you give up. He probably also knows you don't want social services at the house so he will just call them if you try.

It's pretty late at this point to try and change his behavior because he already has all the power and you have none.

[klaximilian]

All I have is ideas for the upper hand on the power struggle: Cut the circuit breaker to his room. Add a password to wifi and make sure neighbors aren't broadcasting openly. Change admin privileges on his laptop. See if you can talk with truancy or other local law enforcement to see if maybe having him go through the process of being detained and what-not by the police scares the attitude out of him.

My kids are still young... not looking forward to the teenage years. I recall how stubborn I was.

All good options.

I know you said you wanted advice from parents with teens (I do not) so I hope you don't mind me inserting my $.02. Honestly, it just seems like he needs to be scared straight, however it needs to be done. As defiant as he is at this age, he needs to understand there are repercussions to his actions. Someone needs to paint him a picture of what rock bottom looks like, because on his current path, he'll get there eventually. To goal is to avoid this at all costs. He will not truly understand what you are putting him through in the moment until he breaks through.

When he comes out on the other side, he'll thank you.

[mslman71]

By the way, for wifi, if you don't already know you can have one where the SSID is not broadcast, for your own use, and another where it is broadcast and password protected. As long as you keep the SSID secret you won't have to fool with constantly changing your own password.

[frozensparky]

Also if he's physically and mentally abusive to his siblings then call the cops every single time he touches one of them. Who cares if it's not "major". Time to take some power back

[klaximilian]

It's pretty late at this point to try and change his behavior because he already has all the power and you have none.

All the more reason I think boarding/military school is a fine choice, regardless of finances.

[bodyhard]

Hi Everybody,

I have a 16 y/o son who has become a discipline problem in the last year or two. He refuses to go to school 1 or 2x per week. Even if my wife and I do get him to go to school, he ditches most of his classes. The school doesn't seem to care. They keep encouraging him to drop out because he's bringing down their scores since he has terrible gradees.

Obviously, I'm still bigger than him so I can physically force him to go to school, but I don't want to resort to that. All it does is raise the odds that he will call social services, which is the last thing I need in my life right now. I don't want to let him drop out, because he will be at home with my wife 24/7 being an a$$hole to her, fighting with his siblings and generally refusing to do anything helpful.

I know, you'll say to make his life miserable. However, any punishment I enact punishes the rest of my family as well. If I take his computer away, he turns the house upside down looking for it. If he cannot find it, he calls the cops who come and explain the same thing 'a minor cannot own property'. But it makes life miserable for everyone else. And my wife or I are left to clean everything up and deal with the police, school etc. I can disconnect the wireless modem, but that punishes me and my wife too. If I disconnect the TV, it punishes the rest of the family which is not fair to anyone else.

We have refused to get him a permit until he regularly attends school, but he doesn't seem to care. We refuse to drive him anywhere besides to work/school...But even that, he does not care. He sits in his room 24/7 unless it's dinner time. It sucks to say, but at this point, it seems like I'm out of options. Nothing I'm doing is working.

Lately, I've found myself wishing he was 18 and I could legally kick him out of the house for good.. He is a drain on the rest of the family and he teaches his siblings bad manors...Not to mention that he's verbally and physically abusive (nothing major) to them.

Suggestions? Ideas?

EDIT: I'd like to hear from parents. It's easy to have an opinion on raising teenagers when you've never had a teenager before. I thought I knew everything about raising teenagers before my oldest turned 13 too...

I raised four boys man and I can tell you this, you are going about this the wrong way. You are not going to gain anything by force.

Seems to me you are singling him out from the rest of the family and that is hurtful.

You need to build a relationship with your son man, a father son relationship, one that he can TRUST. Build a trusting relationship with your son and you wont go wrong, all boys want a father who they can talk to, who understands what they are going through, not to ridicule them or belittle them, or forced them to do things, but to sincerely be there and listen.

They don't want to hear a lecture on how not going to school is going to mess up their lives, so build that relationship, find out why he doesn't want to go to school as oppose to forcing him to go. Who knows man, maybe there is something going on in school you are not privy to.

Be a father man, but also be there for your son and stick by him, it will go a long way.

Good luck man, I had four all 1.5 year apart in age so I had 4 teenagers at the same time, plus a teenage daughter as well.

[litljay]

My kids are still young... not looking forward to the teenage years. I recall how stubborn I was.

I don't have anything to add, but just to put an exclamation point to mslman comment. And, I have girls.

[bustasinclair]

I raised four boys man and I can tell you this, you are going about this the wrong way. You are not going to gain anything by force.

Seems to me you are singling him out from the rest of the family and that is hurtful.

You need to build a relationship with your son man, a father son relationship, one that he can TRUST. Build a trusting relationship with your son and you wont go wrong, all boys want a father who they can talk to, who understands what they are going through, not to ridicule them or belittle them, or forced them to do things, but to sincerely be there and listen.

They don't want to hear a lecture on how not going to school is going to mess up their lives, so build that relationship, find out why he doesn't want to go to school as oppose to forcing him to go. Who knows man, maybe there is something going on in school you are not privy to.

Be a father man, but also be there for your son and stick by him, it will go a long way.

Good luck man, I had four all 1.5 year apart in age so I had 4 teenagers at the same time, plus a teenage daughter as well.

Although this advice could be too late, it's still the best post in the thread.

Props BH. I wish I had had a Dad like you......hell a Dad period would have been nice.

[mslman71]

I raised four boys man and I can tell you this, you are going about this the wrong way....
Good luck man, I had four all 1.5 year apart in age so I had 4 teenagers at the same time, plus a teenage daughter as well.

Really nice post.

I hope I have the skills and discipline to stay on top of things with my sons. I tend to be more of a "just do it, no negotiating" kind of person towards myself and others. Thank god I don't have girls.

[crupiea]

My son was like that. complete ahole when it came to going to school.

we enrolled him in an alternative type school that is basically for people to get their diploma but they only go to school a couple hours per day and it started later in the day. Its the sort of thing teen mothers and stuff would go to.

Worked great. he went to the classes and graduated. he didnt get to do the ceremony but he didnt want to anyway but he graduated on time.

On top of thet he got involved in an after school training program that taught him the skills to be a merchant seaman.

so by the time he was 18 he was out to sea in europe on a big freighter learning what the world is really like.

worked out way better then i thought it would. he just needed a different solution.

No amount of force and pressure would get him to his regular classes.

[fitfinealways]

You directed this question to parents who have a teenage kid like you and while I am not a mother, I teach mathematics at a high school and therefore I feel like I have something to contribute to this discussion.

High school dropout has become an epidemic not just in America but around many first world countries. In fact, according to the Gates foundation one in every three high school student drops out in America. This figure is even higher for black community where almost half the kids are not able to finish school. According to the same report, a staggering 82% of adults have said they wished they wouldn't have dropped out. There are many contributors to this problem which could include negligence on the part of school and teachers as you believe the case to be. There are other factors as well that may have been contributing to the problem such bullying/hostility in school, substance abuse, high school with a large population, lack of belief in oneself, not enough intellectual stimulation to stay motivated, peer pressure (kids are more likely to drop out if they have friends who are considering to drop out as well or other kids who thinks books are for losers). There could be many reasons for your son wanting to drop out. For a lot of students, dropping out is not a sudden act but a gradual process that brings them to the decision. You need to ask yourself if you are only involved when things go wrong and for disciplining? Kids also needs parents to celebrate their victories and achievement.

So what can you do? First you need to see if your home environment is one that induces resilience, stability with respect for education. Are your other kids performing well enough in their class? Are there good and successful role models in your teens life? What kind of support structure does he have? Who does he look up to for his emotional needs? From the sound of it, he is a rebel in the making and your constant you-are-good-for-nothing or Be- of- some- use is not going to help but rather infuriate the child more. In fact it may actually be contributing to the problem than solving it which is why you should not resort to being physical because violence does not solve problems but rather escalates it. What you can do is sit down with him and instead of blaming him, giving him reasons to hate you, talk to him in a very casual non judgemental way. Ask him open ended questions rather than directing solutions. Something like - why do you want to leave school? Have you ever though what you will if you leave school? What we can do as parents to help you go through school? His answers may help you understand the root motivation behind his actions but it may also help him understand that you are with him not against him. I would also not discount the possibility of having an undiagonised medical condition that may be preventing him from performing well in school. Consult the school counsellor and a family counsellor esp. One that has experience working with troubled teenage children. A professional can help you develop a strategy that will not only help your child go through school but may also help you improve family communication. These strategies are usually holistic and more than likely involve you, your family, his teachers and support staff working together to help improve his attitude, motivation and performance. If you find yourself not getting enough help from school then you may want to consider changing his school if possible. Also, think abou the long term consequences of having a drop out child. Your other kids may think that dropping out is an acceptable family behaviour - not that it would happen but I am throwing out a possibility because the statistics seem to point out correlation between a school drop out to family member who did not finish school.

That being said, I understand how tough and stressful time it is for you, for your son and your entire family. I wish you good luck.

[ArchAngel'73]

Although not a parent I've been looking after troubled kids for over a decade.

Straight up, you're in too deep because this has been going on too long.
You all need counselling, family counselling.
There's something he's not telling you, something he's struggling with and it's gonna take the help of a professional to get it out.

[fitfinealways]

Please direct us to the part of the OP's post that even remotely indicates that he has ever said or felt anthing like the bullshit you have stated above.

If you aren't even going to bother to read the OP's post but, instead, dream up what you think he said, you should probably STFU.

Well the vibe of the post should be enough to state the child is constantly disappointing his parents but the OP has even mentioned that he is a drain on the family. You can read the last paragraph of his post

[sakoy]

Raising kids is frankly the hardest thing I have ever done. Right now my children are almost 16 and almost 13. My kids receive consequences when they engage in bad or disrespectful behavior. Tell your son, “I love you but I hate your behavior” when he behaves poorly. If he talks disrespectfully, tell him “stop talking like that, I don’t like it.” Don’t reply to everything he says if he tries to escalate a situation. He is controlling you. Stay calm. Stay cool – which is very hard.

You need to use your “parenting tool box” and use every tool possible to address and correct this problem. Do not engage in long negative discussions and debates with him. Your wife and you need to be on the same page and use the same method to resolve this. You are the parents. He is the kid. You are in charge – not him. All his possessions are yours. The door to his room is yours too. You are in charge of that room and the door, not him. Take the door off the hinges if necessary.

Don’t be embarrassed to involve a member of the clergy, a therapist or social services. Ask them for positive and helpful ways to address this. Be tenacious with the school officials in order to address his attendance. There may be other school schedules that he can follow. He is not the first student to push the envelope with school attendance. How do your other children treat their school work? What is their attitude toward school and their teachers? My kids have no option but to respect their teachers.

If he is violent to his siblings, as you stated, call the police. It seems he needs a major wake up call to be scared straight.

Don’t give up on him. He will always be your son.