The Unforgiving Minute [Middle Distance Log]

[shesprints]

@dailob, I'll try to get a video next time! It's hard b/c a) my cel camera is lousy and b) I'm traveling all over the gym. Maybe I will ask someone to video me on Sunday.

Did those suckers again today. Must be careful. Slight pain in femur.


12/12

Weights--AHA!

In case we're counting, this is 100 lunges on each side in total right5 here:
bodyweight lunges x 10 x 2 each side
lunges w/ 2 5-lb dbs x 10 x 2 each side
lunges w/ 2 5-lb dbs, with overhead press and single leg balance between steps, x 10 x 2 each side
lunge w/ med ball, with same-side twist to overhead press x 10 x 2 each side
lunge w/ weighted bar and OPPOSITE-side twist x 10 x 2 each side

face pulls 20lb x 15 x 3
straight arm lat pushdown 20lb x 15 x 3
bent over single arm row 15lb x 12, 20lb x 12, 15lb x 12


OMG I did weights like really I even lift.


Swim--2800 yards

400 w/u
200 catch up
200 finger drag
200 fist drill

5 x 100 with :15 rest in

1:33
1:34
1:35
1:35
1:35

50 easy

5 x 100 with :10 rest in
1:33
1:33
1:37
1:36
1:35

50 easy

5 x 100 with :05 rest in
1:33
1:34
1:35
1:34
1:33

200 c/d


Not my best... a bit tired from lifting.

[dailob]

lol @ ^

i dont think i've ever seen facepulls, or rows since i've been following so i chuckled a bit

forgot about answering your questions: we're both asian - didnt know ezra was a jewish name? O_O

anyway hope you're doing well!

[shesprints]

@dailob, what's funny about face pulls? I used to do them all the time. Just hadn't been in the gym in awhile.

12/13

crazy crowded @ pool today as it always is on weekends. So I cut my rests a bit short to keep out of the way. Good solid effort today!

I like the shorter swims better. Long ones... eek. Endurance. Eek. I like a nice fast in-and-out. Ahem.

Swim--2200 yards

300 w/u
3 x 100 fist drill as drill down/swim back

300 moderate in

5:05

6 x 50 on 1:00 in

43
43
43
43
43
43

rest :30
300 faster (2-3 seconds per 100 faster than first 300) in

4:41

6 x 50 on 1:00 in

41
42
42
41
43
40

rest :30
300 moderate in

4:53

100 c/d

[dailob]

@dailob, what's funny about face pulls? I used to do them all the time. Just hadn't been in the gym in awhile.

sorry guess i should've been more clearer - when i saw your post, it looked like a typical workout routine for someone who wants to focus on their physical appearance - rows, facepulls, straight arm pulldowns, etc

[shesprints]

sorry guess i should've been more clearer - when i saw your post, it looked like a typical workout routine for someone who wants to focus on their physical appearance - rows, facepulls, straight arm pulldowns, etc

Haha. I do actually care about my physical appearance... though I guess it doesn't show. I actually just haven't been doing upper body lately since if I messed up something and hurt my shoulder and then couldn't even swim, I'd have absolutely nothing to do. But I figured some lighter stuff since I'm doing PT anyway can't hurt. I am a little vain about wanting to keep up/build (though I'm not eating at a surplus) my lats and back; I hate that hunch-shouldered appearance I can get if I don't lift enough. Good posture is always a plus.

[shesprints]

12/14

Was already getting funny looks lunging around the gym so no video to make it worse. :P

I am EXHAUSTED beyond belief you guys. Wiped out. WTF is going on? I woke up, had breakfast, and just went back to sleep. I also felt really droopy yesterday after my swim. No like.

Oh well. At least I didn't have a swim today.

Weights/PT--more lunges, eek I have lost my chinups

lunges:
bw x 10 x 2 each side
med ball 2kg x 10 x 2 each side
med ball w/ overhead reach (single leg balance) x 10 x 2
med ball w/ same side twist x 10 x 2
med ball w same side twist to reach x 10 x 2
med ball opposite side twist x 10 x 2

planks x 30s x 3
chinups x 3 x 3 partial up/slow eccentric (eek need to improve these)

[shesprints]

12/15

Swim--2700 yards

400 w/u
200 zipper drill

100-200-300 w/ :30 rest in

1:33
3:15
4:52

50 easy

100-200-300 w/ :25 rest in

1:32
3:10
4:46

50 easy

100-200-300 w/ :20 rest in

1:30
3:09
4:45

200 cooldown

[shesprints]

12/16

I'm worried. These pt-assigned lunges may be too aggressive. I felt some pain today and stopped early, but not as early as I should have. I guess we'll see--I have another MRI tomorrow.

eh. Swimming is OK. Higher volume, less high intensity this week; I think last week's fast short repeats are part of what wore me out.

Swim--2750 yards

250 w/u
250 finger drag
500 easy in

9:20

250 finger drag
2 x 250 moderate with :30 rest in

4:12
4:13

250 finger drag
4 x 125 fast with :30 rest in

1:52
1:52
1:52
1:50
250 c/d



Weights--not a good idea

bodyweight lunges x 10 x 2 each side
lunges w/ med ball x 10 x 2 each side
lunges w/ 2 5-lb dbs, with overhead press and single leg balance between steps, x 10 x 2 each side
lunge w/ 2 5-lb dbs, with same-side twist
lunge w/ 2 5-lb dbs, with same-side twist to overhead press x 10 x 2 each side
lunge w/ weighted bar and OPPOSITE-side twist x 10 x 1 each side [started to hurt so did just 1 set]

+ 3 x 30s planks
foam roll quads

[muruku]

Hey, hope you've been well!

Maybe you should just scale back a little?

[dailob]

whats a finger drag?


how'd the MRI go?

[shesprints]

@muruku and dailob, whew, yes, I'm good! And the MRI went well, though I won't get the results for a few days. It took FORever (an hour) because they were looking at my bones on a cellular level. New technology. I don't really think they'll find anything... I'm pretty sure I just did too much speedwork even for normal bones or something... but it's good to rule it out.

And yes. I'll take it easier (on land anyway, swimming is fine). Seeing the PT tomorrow and will ask if I did anything very bad.

Dailob, finger drag is when you swim but drag your fingers through the water, never lifting your hand from the surface. It makes you focus on all phases of the stroke.


12/17

Swim! This was exciting--I got to see how far I could go in 45 minutes. 45 straight minutes of swimming. Never done that!

I wound up going about as fast as I did for last weeks 30-minute effort (28:30/mile pace), so cool. Progress. My endurance is better and it was great to feel like I really got in a long, solid aerobic effort. Almost like a run.


Swim--3425 yards, 2 miles (distance PR! Never done 2 miles at a time)

250 warmup
250 fist drill down, catch up back

2775 yards (55.5 laps) in 45:07 (last 7 seconds over time was because I was in the middle of a lap)

250 cooldown


No wonder I took a nap in the MRI after that. Proud of myself.


Had a good comedy show tonight too!

[meimonsta]

Learning new stuff about swimming through you! You should be very proud of yourself for being able to nap in that machine! For the study I used to work on, some of the subjects would be really claustrophobic and be unable to complete the neuroimaging part of the study which always gave me a headache.

Fingers crossed for good results!

P.S. I will def be in NYC for NYE

[shesprints]

@Em, yay! NYE! If you're staying until the 3rd you can come to my birthday party... I'm going to message you my contact info (cel number etc.) via PM. That OK? Not that we'll have difficulty recognizing each other, since we both post so many videos.
as for the MRI, honestly I'm not even slightly claustrophobic, so it's not even a challenge. Maybe that's because I spent years sleeping in my closet so I could read late at night without my parents catching me. I love cozy spaces. I'm basically a human chipmunk or squirrel: excitable and prone to quick scurrying, and also very happy to curl up in a burrow. I'm also nuts.

As for swimming, I am sorry if I don't explain the drills. I'm getting more used to them, but often enough I have to google to figure out what they are. Catch up is a favorite drill of mine. Basically, you keep your front arm extended during the stroke and then touch your hands together in front of you, like you're tagging yourself, before you withdraw the leading arm. It teaches you to stretch out in the water.

Fist drill is also fun--you make your hands into fists and punch the water. It makes you use your muscles more because you can't scoop water with your hands. It burns my back and shoulders after awhile and I even have to kick more to stay afloat.

Finger drag, like I said above, just means dragging your fingers through the water while you swim, never letting your hands fully exit the water. I don't really know what it does. I'll ask my coach. I don't like doing it that much, it's boring.

Oh well! ANYway, today was cool, I got to do shorter sprints. It made me very nostalgic for my old favorite thing to do running, back when I was super into the treadmill: crank up the treadmill to 12.5 mph (4:50 pace/mile) at 2.0 incline and sprint for 20-30 seconds, jog for the rest of the minute, repeat. I'd do that 20 times. My ENTIRE legs would be burning like I couldn't even move them, but then I'd find more muscle fibers in my glutes and hamstrings somehow and make it through. So missing that. So I tried to reach that effort level in the pool but... it's hard. Still just not coordinated enough! Plus not able to completely use my legs.

12/19

Swim--3000 yards, speed!

400 warmup
200 finger drag
200 catch up
200 fist drill
(all as drill down/swim back, i.e. 25 yards of the drill and then 25 just swimming)

10 x 50 hard/50 easy with hard 50s in

39
38
40
39
39
39
40
39
39
39

50 "all-out" w/ :30-1:00 rest in

37
38
38
38
38
38
38
38
38
37

500 easy

[shesprints]

12/20

Yay, I was pretty fast today.

Swim--2400 yards

400 warmup
200 catch up
200 finger drag

4 x 100 on the 1:50 in

1:29 (here my goal became not to do any in the 1:30s)
1:29
1:28
1:28

rest 2:00

400 in

6:12 [maybe a PR? have to check. About equivalent to running a mile in that time]

rest 1:00

4 x 100 on the 1:50 in

1:27
1:29
1:29
1:26

400 cooldown


Yay! I liked how easy it was to do 100 in 1:26. I feel like I can edge down past 1:25, which is the fastest I've done one so far.

And now off to buy a costume element for my comedy. You'll see...

[shesprints]

You guys... I have the best boyfriend ever. I was freaking out the other day because my computer broke. And today, out of the blue, he showed up with an iPad mini as an early birthday/Christmas present.

I mean... whaat? And he didn't know the "uggs and ipad bby" meme. I asked.

So now I have to do something awesome for him. I have an idea that I won't post in case he somehow reads this.

So I had a good day even though whoaa, I went to the gym to lift upper body and... yeah I did not realize just how much strength I had lost. Or rather how unused to lifting I'd become? IDK. Not loving that feeling. I couldn't do more than 1 chinup today! Granted it was after training back and lats already so there is that.

12/21

Weights--back and abs

pushup x 5 to plank to pushup x 5, x 3
straight arm lat pushdown 20lb x 12, 25lb x 12 x 2
face pulls 25lb x 15, 25lb x 15 x 2
barbell row 45lb x 12, 55lb x 12 x 2
straight leg raises on bench x 12 x 3
lat pulldown 3 x 70lb x 12
1 chinup and 2 negatives

Leg raises felt good though. Abs are actually feeling strong these days; I think swimming helps quite a bit.

Everything else, woof. Oy.


Anyway, I did another comedy set, but eh, not sure how I feel about it, so not going to post the video here. We got our time cut way down, so I had to cut out a few jokes and didn't get my timing quite right. A few jokes went down pretty well, though, and my friends/family watching enjoyed themselves, so that's good.

[shesprints]

MRI results: stress fracture is still totally present. not healed. Supposed to be healed.
I feel so fat, flabby, out of shape, unable to use half of my freaking body, so ready to just be back to NORMAL FUNCTION, and now I'm hearing 6-8 more weeks. I can't do this, I honestly don't know what to do. I want to work out harder, I want to do full body stuff, I want to be BE IN F*CKING SHAPE, but all I have is this bullsh*t swimming that I HATE. I literally spend an HOUR, a draining, exhausting hour, prior to swimming just trying to talk myself into doing it. I can't truly push myself all-out in the water. It's stupid and pointless and isn't going to make me any leaner but it's all I can DO.

I just want to be fit. I don't even care about running anymore, honestly, I just want to be able to work out and look good, instead of being a miserable lump.

I guess I'll just go lift weights more (what I can do) and maybe try to do the butterfly if I'm allowed, but frankly something I'm doing may be holding back my healing so IDK.

I also want to eat a lot less (so I'll be leaner), but obviously that wouldn't help healing I suppose. Does it even matter?

12/22

Swim--2400 yards

400 warmup

8 x 50 on the 1:30 in

39
38
38
38
37
38
38
38

500 easy

8 x 50 on the 1:30 in

38
38
38
38
38
38
39
38

500 easy

200 cooldown

[streetlegaltank]

eww. Stress fracture. Bummer

[meimonsta]

Hugs! I'm so sorry about the stupid MRI results! Definitely don't blame you for feeling that way. You're forced to do something you don't enjoy which is a bummer. However, I'm very confident you will come nowhere near being a blob for 6-8 weeks, even if you keep your cals. You ARE fit! And you ARE lean! The fact that you are limited doesn't undo that so quickly.

[shesprints]

@streetlegaltank, considering this is my third stress fracture in 18 months, you'd think I'd be used to it. But no. I think I need to see another specialist to determine why this keeps happening. Oy.

@Em, thank you, that helps to hear! It's just frustrating to think that there are plenty of people out there who would looove an excuse not to train for 6 weeks and here I am going nuts. I don't WANT to enjoy time off and I feel like I don't deserve food which sucks but meh, I've seen it typed enough in the ED thread to know it's not correct thinking. I guess I'll try doing as much upper body lifting as I can so at least I don't just fixate on cardio/burning calories/whatever. Plus I've got my birthday and stuff to distract me. But I also miss the FEELING of training hard! So jealous of your Olympic lifting, I miss power cleans. Enjoy them for me.


Oh well.

I swam fast today because I was angry. Better than lying in bed sleeping all day because I'm sad, right?

12/23

Swim--2600 yards

400 warmup (in 6:50, whoa, had some anger energy there)
200 catch up
200 finger drag

8 x 50 with :30 rest in

41 (all of them)

1000 time trial in

15:45

400 cooldown (in 7:20ish)



My easy paces are getting faster, which is good. And the 1000 yard time trial was decent, though I think I can do better (it's at a 27:43ish pace per mile). We'll see. I just like that I got a good workout, out of breath, felt hot (suppose I was sweating, an odd feeling in a pool). Nice to get some effort in on something. And work is going well. I have a surprising number of students yesterday and today considering the holiday.

[meimonsta]

Awesome about work! Nah, you absolutely deserve food. You're still active and you will probably do great just by listening to your body and your appetite. Plus your upper body strength will thank you for eating!

[muruku]

Hey

Sorry to hear about the MRI. Focus on recovering, I know its hard, but try! Almost every post your swimming times are improving or you are noticing progress!

Are you allowed to go hiking or trekking? Perhaps you just need another avenue of training?

Anyway, happy holidays!

[shesprints]

@Em. you're right you're right. For one thing, I actually haven't gained weight in the 7-8 weeks since my injury at all... it's more that I feel out of running shape, since I'm... well, out of running shape. And my stupid brain turns that into "you're fat." I'm a terrible feminist with that reaction right there. BTW! I told my boyfriend about you today. He has internet pen pals he meets on forums, too! So either I'm not that weird, or I found someone as weird as I am. I prefer to think internet friends (like all of you, though Em especially since I hope to meet you in person) are real friends, too. FYI keep me posted on NYE. My parents might have (randomly) tickets to a Big Top circus event for adults? o_0 weird. Not sure that goes late, but if you'd be interested... let me know.

@muruku, thank you, yes. I am actually still pretty limited in my walking (I can walk--I walked a lot today! but I'm not really supposed to do hikes or hard things like that since the bone's not healing). BUT I plan to go on a cross-country ski trip at the end of January and that should help a lot. I just got my boyfriend a sweet ski jacket for Christmas so he's now equipped for that. Go me. And yeah, trying to focus on recovery and having a great support system of people (in real life and YOU GUYS!) helps a lot. Merry Christmas/happy holidays of choice to you too.



12/24

Lousy swim today, followed by a good 3 miles of walking during the evening. (We did the 'tourists in our own city' thing). Also, 15% of my caloric intake today was Lindt chocolates--mostly this number reflects that other than chocolate I did not eat a whole lot. Working on that.

Swim.... meh, blah, lousy, think I'm just a bit burnt out and also I was thrown off since they opened up the lanes to METERS not YARDS, and it's 50 meters, at that, so I can't use the pushes off the wall to gain momentum. So times were just so bad. Eek. Oh well. Better get used to the 50m lanes, they're up for the whole holiday week.


Swim--2700 METERS (2925 yards)

200 pull
50 finger-tip drag, 50 swim with 10 seconds rest.
50 fist drill, 50 swim with 10 seconds rest.
50 one armed, 50 swim with 10 seconds rest.
MAIN SET:
5 x 400 descending (WAS THE PLAN)
THE ACTUALITY WAS THE OPPOSITE... I got slower:

7:20
7:27
7:21
7:30
7:35

200 c/d


Oof. At least my walk went OK (hurts a bit, not awful, soooo good just to move.) Merry Christmas!

[dailob]

happy holidays and wishing you a speedy (no pun intended) recovery

[ilove2run]

Here is a few things I always look to when bad things like this happen...Meet a few people I look up to and have had very serious accidents which hindered them doing what they love [professional cyclists] and almost cost them their lives. Both are still rehabbing, but both are still fighting.

Ian Crane: http://craneimal.blogspot.com/

Brief story - 1st year pro cycling. He was racing the USA Pro Challenge in CO when during a stage race he went head first into a back of a team car. If you go through the first ~4 blog posts on his blog, you will get the full story on what unfolded. He would have been dead on the seen if it weren't for the medical car being right behind him.

Taylor Phinney: http://velonews.competitor.com/2014/...phinney_356199

Brief Story - crash on a descent [~50-60 mph] into a guardrail led to a compound fracture. He's still recovering. He was at the top of his game and a 2015 Tour de France GC contender.

Out of curiosity regarding your hip...where is the SF located in the hip and does it hurt day to day when you do stuff on it?

Merry XMAS as well

[shesprints]

@dailob, you can be speedy for both of us for now. Merry Christmas!/Happy holidays.

@ilove2run, wow, that's definitely... well, inspiring isn't the word, exactly. I feel so terrible for them! But it's good to know I'm not alone--and goodness knows I'm no Olympic contender, nor is running my job.
Re: the hip. The stress fracture is at the femoral neck, on the compression side (so not as bad as if it were on the other side--it gets pressed together instead of pulled apart when I walk). But it still hurts quite a bit with almost any amount of walking--walking is very hard to do without visibly limping. I also can't lift my leg to cross it over the other one, I have to kind of pick it up with my hands and drag it.
So I can walk--less slowly and awkwardly now than before--but I don't have any direct doctor's guidance on how much walking to do or anything, because doctors have no idea. I just feel like a lazy jerkwad when I don't walk, and like a stupid foolhardy idiot when I DO walk (because I might be making it worse). It's... kind of a no-win situation. I need to speak to my doctors again. They told me it would be 100% healed by now, but as the recent MRI showed, it's not. :/ I guess I have to wait until the holidays are over.



On that note, I was perhaps stupid and walked a mile on the treadmill today before my weights workout. Meh. I sat in the car all day so I needed some movement.

12/25

Gym, no swim.

Weights--random back exercises, abs, and pushups

(walked 1 mile in 14:30, part on incline)

lat pulldowns 70lb x 16, 85lb x 10 x 2, 70lb x 10
lat pushdowns 25lb x 12 x 3
midback rows 50lb x 15, 55lb x 12, 60lb x 10

10 pushups to 30-second plank to 10 pushups to 30s plank;
10 pushups to 30s plank
10 pushups to 30s plank

leg raises on bench x 15 x 3
glute bridge x 15 x 3



I have gotten SO weak and out of shape! It's hard to figure out what lifts to do that won't harm me. I tried renegade rows (you know, rows from pushup position with dumbbbells) but it kills my hip because of the need to balance through the core. And standing rows didn't feel good last time... and bench press and overhead press make swimming difficult.

Oh boy. This is not in the Christmas spirit at all, but I feel so defeated! I need workout tips. It's so hard because hips are involved in everything that makes you fit.

[shesprints]

just dropping in to let you guys know I've been VERY sick for the past few days (especially the past two). Hacking cough, chills, exhaustion, not sure about fever, but I couldn't sleep because I'd stop breathing when I lay down.

I feel like the entire world is conspiring to remove my fitness bit by bit. I realize that's absurd but come on. This is ridiculous.

Anyway... I couldn't face the pool, but I did try the elliptical for a couple of days. It didn't hurt. At first. Now my hip hurts. So I can't really do anything. F*ck.

12/26

Elliptical--1 hour
HR 145-150
resistance 6-7, incline 3 (easy)

12/26

Elliptical--1 hour
Heart rate 155-165
Resistance 6
Incline 1-6 varied

pushup x 10 to 30s plank to pushup x 10 to 30s plank
pushup x 10 to 30s plank to pushup x 10, pushup x 5

lat pulldowns 70lb x 12 x 3
midback row 40lb x 20, 50lb x 15, 60lb x 12
external rotations 5lb x 15 x 2
lying leg raises x 15 x 3

wasn't sure why this felt SO HARD, but I guess now I know I was coming down with something.

12/28

Feeling sick but thought that a light cardio session might help. Clearly, stupid? Or not. I was very bleary, clammy, and coughing at the gym (I wiped down the machine thoroughly when I was done, though).

Elliptical--47 minutes
Heart rate 135-140
incline 2-3
resistance 6-7

gah.

12/29

Off. Lay in bed all day. Got up to go to the drugstore and have dinner with my mom but kept nodding off from Nyquil PM. Which finally let me sleep last night.

12/30

Off, cough is breaking somewhat, but I still have chills and lightheadedness.


Diet is as good as I can make it, but I feel guilty for eating ANYTHING since I'm literally lying in bed almost all day... like, yesterday I had 1550 calories and I still feel disgustingly fat, and I'm beating myself up for eating breakfast and lunch today since I'm still in bed. I saw my ex the other day--he really lifts, he does Physique shows--and he took my arm and I got really insecure about how flabby my upper arms have gotten. He also asked me why I swim, since I hate it, and told me "Stop swimming. Find something else to do." And I was SO ANGRY, because, frankly, what else is there to do? Like f*ck you, seriously, give me some CREDIT for working hard doing this activity I hate. I felt he was implying it wass useless because I was so gross-looking and unfit anyway, I might as well not swim, because it's doing nothing for me.

I have a feeling even using the elliptical messed up my recovery, since I can feel my hip. I feel like I'm making excuses but honestly I'm doing EVERYTHING I can to stay in shape... and that's not good enough; I'm not getting fat, but I'm getting flabby and weak and sick. It really kicks up the orthorexia in my head, whereby I blame everything wrong with me on eating "bad things." Whatever those might be.

Argh. I'm sure some of this is just my droopiness from being sick, but I'm not having a good week at all. And my birthday's Saturday.

Mei, I'll do my best to make NYE, but I'm really not feeling well so, you know.

[meimonsta]

No no, don't you dare try to do anything NYE if you don't feel good! It would be tough anyway with how late I'm getting in. Now that I think of it it might not even be feasible because I need to get into the venue early.

Second, that illness sounds terrible and on top of your hip too! Very sorry. Rest up and feel better soon. Also please eat. Seriously it will be better for you if you don't count cals right now and just eat. I assure you you are not flabby and you are not losing your fitness. I know what it's like to hate not doing anything, but trust me it is OKAY to do nothing. Don't feel like you need to half-assedly suffer through a workout. You are going to turn out great in the long run if you are patient, I can tell from your work ethic. But you need to stop being so hard on yourself! It worries me

[ilove2run]

just dropping in to let you guys know I've been VERY sick for the past few days (especially the past two). Hacking cough, chills, exhaustion, not sure about fever, but I couldn't sleep because I'd stop breathing when I lay down.

I feel like the entire world is conspiring to remove my fitness bit by bit. I realize that's absurd but come on. This is ridiculous.

Anyway... I couldn't face the pool, but I did try the elliptical for a couple of days. It didn't hurt. At first. Now my hip hurts. So I can't really do anything. F*ck.

12/26

Elliptical--1 hour
HR 145-150
resistance 6-7, incline 3 (easy)

12/26

Elliptical--1 hour
Heart rate 155-165
Resistance 6
Incline 1-6 varied

pushup x 10 to 30s plank to pushup x 10 to 30s plank
pushup x 10 to 30s plank to pushup x 10, pushup x 5

lat pulldowns 70lb x 12 x 3
midback row 40lb x 20, 50lb x 15, 60lb x 12
external rotations 5lb x 15 x 2
lying leg raises x 15 x 3

wasn't sure why this felt SO HARD, but I guess now I know I was coming down with something.

12/28

Feeling sick but thought that a light cardio session might help. Clearly, stupid? Or not. I was very bleary, clammy, and coughing at the gym (I wiped down the machine thoroughly when I was done, though).

Elliptical--47 minutes
Heart rate 135-140
incline 2-3
resistance 6-7

gah.

12/29

Off. Lay in bed all day. Got up to go to the drugstore and have dinner with my mom but kept nodding off from Nyquil PM. Which finally let me sleep last night.

12/30

Off, cough is breaking somewhat, but I still have chills and lightheadedness.


Diet is as good as I can make it, but I feel guilty for eating ANYTHING since I'm literally lying in bed almost all day... like, yesterday I had 1550 calories and I still feel disgustingly fat, and I'm beating myself up for eating breakfast and lunch today since I'm still in bed. I saw my ex the other day--he really lifts, he does Physique shows--and he took my arm and I got really insecure about how flabby my upper arms have gotten. He also asked me why I swim, since I hate it, and told me "Stop swimming. Find something else to do." And I was SO ANGRY, because, frankly, what else is there to do? Like f*ck you, seriously, give me some CREDIT for working hard doing this activity I hate. I felt he was implying it wass useless because I was so gross-looking and unfit anyway, I might as well not swim, because it's doing nothing for me.

I have a feeling even using the elliptical messed up my recovery, since I can feel my hip. I feel like I'm making excuses but honestly I'm doing EVERYTHING I can to stay in shape... and that's not good enough; I'm not getting fat, but I'm getting flabby and weak and sick. It really kicks up the orthorexia in my head, whereby I blame everything wrong with me on eating "bad things." Whatever those might be.

Argh. I'm sure some of this is just my droopiness from being sick, but I'm not having a good week at all. And my birthday's Saturday.

Mei, I'll do my best to make NYE, but I'm really not feeling well so, you know.

You ever consider just taking time OFF?

And actually resting instead of training while you are injured which is doing nothing for you but prolonging the injury.

Stop acting so negative. It doesn't help with recovery. Stop getting pissed off at the world. It isn't anyone else's fault besides what you put your body through. Maybe come to terms with this and you would see better progress. Instead of getting pissed off at every little thing.

Use this time to catch up with family members that you don't spend enough time with, or do something else that stimulates the mind. Read, learn a language?

Stop calling yourself fat as well.

[unstrong]

You've been getting sick a lot, injured more than that, and are starting to sound dysmorphic. It really sounds like the above is spot on and you need some time completely off. I hope you feel better.

More selfishly: are you aware of any available apartments near you? I'm looking to move soon

[DAaaMan64]

Diet is as good as I can make it, but I feel guilty for eating ANYTHING since I'm literally lying in bed almost all day... like, yesterday I had 1550 calories and I still feel disgustingly fat, and I'm beating myself up for eating breakfast and lunch today since I'm still in bed.

Okay, this is not good. You need to eat regardless when sick and don't give it a second thought. Don't even count. God only knows wtf your body is doing with this food anyway. Body composition when sick shouldn't even be a thing. It's not even evaluate-able.

I saw my ex the other day--he really lifts, he does Physique shows--and he took my arm and I got really insecure about how flabby my upper arms have gotten. He also asked me why I swim, since I hate it, and told me "Stop swimming. Find something else to do." And I was SO ANGRY, because, frankly, what else is there to do? Like f*ck you, seriously, give me some CREDIT for working hard doing this activity I hate. I felt he was implying it wass useless because I was so gross-looking and unfit anyway, I might as well not swim, because it's doing nothing for me.

gah I'm sorry you're going through this, I admire your crazy dedication.

I look forward to a birthday post