Looking for advice from the OV35 peeps

[bodyhard]

As most of you who truly know me over the years, know I have turned to you for advice as I can do some dumb sh!t. Although I have a lot of haters on here (you know who you are and you can suck my dick for all I care) I do have some real friends on here and I respect your advice and you guys know who you are as well.

With that said, Saturday we are going to PA, it is where the funeral for Lou (my friend who took his life) will be held. I have no idea who his new friends are (mostly from Kentucky, Texas and Chicago) and honestly I don't think they are going to take a liking to me (a Puerto Rican from the hood) and you guys know me I really don't give a f'ck. But out of respect to Lou and his family I am going to try and stay kool. Out of all the people who will be visiting I am the closest to Lou even more so than his family. Although Lou himself was Puerto Rican I am his only Spanish friend. Also if it wasn't for work, Lou and I would have never met, we come from different worlds. As a matter of fact one of the things that fascinated Lou about me was my background (when Lou and I became good friends I told him of my upbringing) Lou and I are the total opposite, yet we became the best of friends, he showed me the way in business and I showed him the streets.

At the funeral I am going to keep it 100 and not be something that I am not, but I just have a feeling, knowing emotions are going to be high, that I might just lose it if I see some fake ass people or someone acting or saying something stupid.

I am not sure if I am articulating myself correctly in what I am trying to say, but if it makes any sense to any of you then maybe you can help me with the advice I am seeking. So what is the advice?

For those of you who know me and know I have a tendency of overreacting and doing dumb sh!t before thinking, like cursing someone out or worse hitting them, what can I do, to stay calm if something or someone is pissing me off?

I honestly do not want to mess anything up while I am there, but at the same time I don't want to be someone I am not.

[ArchAngel'73]

Some times you just need to STFU and let things go.
Knowing your place is different than knowing who you are.
You go there, you STFU, nod and be all polite 'n sh*t because THAT is respecting your friend and that is what you are there to do, not to create a disturbance.

In short,
eat it and smile.

[-=FLEX=-]

Not the time or the place to start anything, IMHO. Go and pay your respects to Lou that should be the end of it.

Heard a lot of BS at the reception after Lisa's sister's funeral last month and as much as I wanted to call people out I kept my mouth shut, because it was the right thing to do.

[Capt_Lou]

3 weeks before my wife's aunt died I got in a pretty big scuffle with my wife's son and ended up choking him out, before I threw him out of the house.

His dad got within 3 feet of me at the funeral, we just stared at each other for a few seconds, but we both knew it was not the time or place to start sh!t.

[Jtbny]

3 weeks before my wife's aunt died I got in a pretty big scuffle with my wife's son and ended up choking him out, before I threw him out of the house.

His dad got within 3 feet of me at the funeral, we just stared at each other for a few seconds, but we both knew it was not the time or place to start sh!t.

This. Remember why you are there, to honor your friend. Keep telling yourself that. Good luck.

[Keltron]

Wait, what exactly do you anticipate happening? You think Lou's friends will express some ill will towards you in connection w/his death or just because you're different from them? Very rarely have I seen or heard of people getting into a fight or an argument simply because one was a straight arrow, law-abiding "square" (for lack of a better term) and one was from the streets.

But like others said, regardless of keeping it real and not being fake, it would be completely disrespectful to be involved in any kind of altercation at a funeral.

But are you REALLY sure that you can't keep your temper if provoked? I'm willing to bet that you could... at least in an extreme case like this where it was a funeral of a good friend.

[bodyhard]

Fellas, I know that it is not the time nor place I guess what I am asking is, how or what do you do to control yourself?

[o0o0]

Take a slow deep breath and count to ten.

[bodyhard]

Wait, what exactly do you anticipate happening? You think Lou's friends will express some ill will towards you in connection w/his death or just because you're different from them? Very rarely have I seen or heard of people getting into a fight or an argument simply because one was a straight arrow, law-abiding "square" (for lack of a better term) and one was from the streets.

But like others said, regardless of keeping it real and not being fake, it would be completely disrespectful to be involved in any kind of altercation at a funeral.

But are you REALLY sure that you can't keep your temper if provoked? I'm willing to bet that you could... at least in an extreme case like this where it was a funeral of a good friend.

No, quite the contrary, his real friends form here NY, myself included, feel something is not right with his new friends. Hard to explain. Most people from here in NY know Lou for over 10 years (I know him for over 20) his new friends know him for like 6 months to 3 years.

And yes Keltron, sad to say but I am man enough to admit that I am dumb enough to lose control and do something dumb. If that were not the case I would not be asking for advice nor would I have been going to anger management classes.

[mslman71]

Fellas, I know that it is not the time nor place I guess what I am asking is, how or what do you do to control yourself?

The same way you choose your words at a business meeting. The same way you finish an extra rep when you want to quit. The same way you know pain is coming and you take it. Not to sound cliche', but you just do it because that's what has to be done.

[Keltron]

Fellas, I know that it is not the time nor place I guess what I am asking is, how or what do you do to control yourself?

You know what, controlling your breathing can do wonders for calming you down. When we get angry or anxious, our breath gets fast and shallow which creates more tension in the head, neck, upper traps area.. which then increases your mental feelings of being "wound up." It's like a chicken and egg thing.

I would go outside and just focus on breathing. Breathe slowly and deeply. You've most likely been depriving yourself of oxygen for the last few minutes and the sudden rush will help you relax.

[induced_drag]

Fellas, I know that it is not the time nor place I guess what I am asking is, how or what do you do to control yourself?

BH

Think of his family. This is a fragile time for them and you should honor his wishes. I dont think you would want the memories of his services to have anything to do with you getting in a scuffle.

So just as you are a family man....be there for his family. Even if it is hard, do the right thing FOR THEM and make yourself secondary. I know you are a man of integrity and want to do the right thing. Find strength in your friendship and be the bigger man and just care for his family left behind.

Sorry for your loss

[bodyhard]

3 weeks before my wife's aunt died I got in a pretty big scuffle with my wife's son and ended up choking him out, before I threw him out of the house.

His dad got within 3 feet of me at the funeral, we just stared at each other for a few seconds, but we both knew it was not the time or place to start sh!t.

Damn thats rough man.

Take a slow deep breath and count to ten.

I know this might sound corny but they actually told me this at anger management and really it doesn't work. At least not for me.

The same way you choose your words at a business meeting. The same way you finish an extra rep when you want to quit. The same way you know pain is coming and you take it. Not to sound cliche', but you just do it because that's what has to be done.

Hmmm good solid point man, thanks.

You know what, controlling your breathing can do wonders for calming you down. When we get angry or anxious, our breath gets fast and shallow which creates more tension in the head, neck, upper traps area.. which then increases your mental feelings of being "wound up." It's like a chicken and egg thing.

I would go outside and just focus on breathing. Breathe slowly and deeply. You've most likely been depriving yourself of oxygen for the last few minutes and the sudden rush will help you relax.

Thanks man.

BH

Think of his family. This is a fragile time for them and you should honor his wishes. I dont think you would want the memories of his services to have anything to do with you getting in a scuffle.

So just as you are a family man....be there for his family. Even if it is hard, do the right thing FOR THEM and make yourself secondary. I know you are a man of integrity and want to do the right thing. Find strength in your friendship and be the bigger man and just care for his family left behind.

Sorry for your loss

ID, there are some emails going around on FB from his friends from here and all his new friends and the emails just seem, well "fake". it is really hard to explain. But I see where you are coming from and I can respect that.

[bodyhard]

so you want advice on not picking a fight at a funeral ?

ok...I'll give it a shot !







HEY JOHN......DON'T PICK A FIGHT AT THE FUNERAL ON SATURDAY !




hope this helps
regards
Oceanside

I know you like to make light out of things OS and I find humor in your post, but I am being serious here man.

I just have a bad vibe from his friends man, you know they are the ones who befriended me on FB to tell me of Lou's passing (because Lou spoke so much of me) and when I asked them question on how the hell or what the f'ck happen, the stories are just not adding up.

I dunno man, maybe I am looking too much into this. But I knew Lou and this sh!t just doesn't make sense.

[stealpulse]

Kill 'em with kindness.

Seriously, be ridiculously nice and there isn't much any a-hole can accomplish, because usually their ultimate goal is to get under your skin.

[whatevergirl]

Most funerals are uncomfortable...death makes us uncomfortable, in general. But when someone takes his own life, it will be even more uncomfortable. Because people want answers. They, like you, miss their friend, bh. Don't see these people as opponents...for they will be there in mourning and confusion ...just like you. No one will ever fully know the reasons behind this situation but you can come together and be there during this difficult time. At the end of the day, we are more alike when it comes to stuff like this than we are different. I'm terribly sorry for your loss.

[Brad805]

From your past descriptions you seem to react very quickly. I would try to hold back on that first gut reaction and let your mind process whatever the person is saying. Keep it in perspective. I guess basically dial down the BH we all appreciate.

[bodyhard]

and if they were not his friends why would they even be there to pay their respects ?

maybe you need to ask yourself why it is that they have to live up to you're standards in how they're dealing with this or what's being said about all of this...

seems to me you've got a lot in common with all these people...

you all lost someone you care about..

and here you are nit picking about the differences..

all due respect john but just because you go back further with Lou dosn't give you the right to dictate how they go about handling his death !


they'll be there for a reason....no ?

Damn you have a point there OS, maybe I am just upset that I was not around when he decided to this and they were???

I think my anger is not letting me think straight and since I don't have anyone to take it out on, like if someone would have killed him, I am taking it out on the last people he was with?

Thanks for keeping it real with me man.

[sakustoms]

I can't tell you how to act or how to not feel like you want to choke someone. But you mentioned all of the sh!t floating around FB so the only advice I will offer is to start distancing yourself from the sh!t now. Don't log into FB and stay away from the drama.
Keep the funeral about Lou and not about his friends, old or new. Ultimately, everyone is there to pay respects to Lou's memory and his family. If you can't deal with these people, simply go there, pay your respects and leave before any altercations occur.

Sorry again about Lou and best wishes to you and your family.

[drudixon]

John,

You're one of the most passionate people I know, in person, or on the internet. You're strength is simultaneously your weakness. What you should do is exactly what you do with your training. From all I've seen of your training, you expect 100% out of yourself, and you expect your muscles to grow. Expectations have a way of realizing themselves, with bodybuilding, and with relationships.

WTF do you mean Dru?

What I mean is, if you expect them to be snobby and fake, then they will be snobby and fake. If you expect them to be cool, down to earth and laid back, they'll be cool, down to earth and laid back. You're expecting these people to suck and for yourself to be confrontational. How about you expect that Lou, who never disavowed you would apply the same level of friendship to them. That he'd pick cool ass people like you to be friends with.

What I do in those situations is typically hop around until I find a cool guy or gal, usually one close to the bar and just hang out with them. Worst case Patti's going right? Just nod and let her run the show. I don't care for snobby people either, but it's rare they put me on the defensive.

Good luck buddy.

[62Wolf]

Like you, I don't like fakes and have a fairly short fuse for BS. But, like you again, I acknowledge that I do have that personality and that's half the battle right there when you have time to "Prep" yourself for BS and special situations VS reacting spontaneously to something that just happens real quick and sudden. I've been to a few funerals in the last couple of years where my stomach was just flipping witnessing backstabbers and fake pricks acting certain ways, but I just hopped in my mental rowboat... Sunny day, floating in a rowboat on a lake, line in the water and a baseball game on low volume on the radio, just friggin' drifting and floating, a nice cool breeze wafting across my face. Nice long breaths, just get through the situation and live and let live as I'll never see these people again and I'm there for my friend's family and memories. An hour or so later and I'm outa of there. Real hard one was a couple years ago when a childhood friend died under VERY suspicious circumstances. He got involved with a bike gang who were running a pipeline from Florida to NY. I didn't believe a single word of how he went and the guy I suspected showed up at the funeral. Everything was going ok till this POS got a little juiced afterwards at the family's gathering and started acting a little loud and obnoxious as he kept wanting to do loud toasts to my friends's memories. I could tell his family was intimidated and real uncomfortable, so I went over to a couple of his partners and told them to walk him outside and away so to have respect for the family or I'd do it myself and it wouldn't be a good scene. They took care of it, actually apologized for him, and except for hearing @ a year later that the loudmouth died a suspicious death himself, never heard from, nor saw those guys again. Just keep in mind what you're there for, prep yourself, hop in the boat and press on by keeping cool for his family. It's only a short time. Again, sorry for your loss.

[ChickenPauk]

Damn you have a point there OS, maybe I am just upset that I was not around when he decided to this and they were???

I think my anger is not letting me think straight and since I don't have anyone to take it out on, like if someone would have killed him, I am taking it out on the last people he was with?

Thanks for keeping it real with me man.

^^ Along the same lines as this, keep "Benefit of the Doubt" in your head. Think about if the situation were reversed.....there's no timetable on how long and how in depth people's relationships become in a given set of days or months.

If you begin to feel that way, just give the 'benefit of the doubt' --- because unless you were there and always around, you don't know which person that you think might be acting 'fake' might have really developed a close relationship with Lou in that short time. Or, which person was the indivdual that Lou may have turned to and they had did their very best to try to pull him out <-- as you would have done.

In Lou's honor, you wouldn't want to put a smackdown (verbal or otherwise) on that person at the funeral as they pay their last respects.


That's how I'd go about it, bro......benefit of the doubt

[ChickenPauk]

Also, be sure to take a hankerchief or a few. I've found that whichever ones I don't need usually go to someone when they need. At my uncle's funeral, a young man was fighting back his tears as best he could, but couldn't win that battle. I extended him an extra hankerchief and it was a comfort to the young lad. The look he gave to me will stay with me for some time.

[Simpy]

If you're going into this looking for a fight, you'll find one. In my experience, people are generally the same no matter where they were raised. Go to the funeral. Pay your respects. Be friendly and genuine to those you meet. I've never met you nor have I spoken with you over the phone, but from what I understand you're a great guy. Why would you have issues other than ones you may start yourself?

[x-trainer ben]

Fellas, I know that it is not the time nor place I guess what I am asking is, how or what do you do to control yourself?

An easy one... Since this day isn't about you; but a celebration of life for the departed you focus on writing some good stories to tell. I am assuming that you will be asked to speak so you find a quiet place and ask him what he wants. The stories that pop into your head will be his wishes and you can let folks know whAt he was really like.. At least that is what i would do.

[NorwichGrad]

BH

Think of his family. This is a fragile time for them and you should honor his wishes. I dont think you would want the memories of his services to have anything to do with you getting in a scuffle.

So just as you are a family man....be there for his family. Even if it is hard, do the right thing FOR THEM and make yourself secondary. I know you are a man of integrity and want to do the right thing. Find strength in your friendship and be the bigger man and just care for his family left behind.

Sorry for your loss

John,

ID beat me to it! ^^

When you see the eyes of Lou's grieving family, your heart will know what to do. And we are confident you will do the right thing..

[GuyJin]

FWIW, go to the funeral, pay your respects and go home. "Fake-ass" people, well, that's your opinion, but others who knew your friend may think differently. You're not there to start anything, and I doubt the others who knew your friend would start something, either. There is a time to rumble and a time to rest, and this is the latter.

[taf1968]

Not the time or the place to start anything, IMHO. Go and pay your respects to Lou that should be the end of it.

Heard a lot of BS at the reception after Lisa's sister's funeral last month and as much as I wanted to call people out I kept my mouth shut, because it was the right thing to do.

Pretty much sums it up right there. BS or not . . . being true to yourself or not . . . it's about paying respects to your bud and not making a scene where others are doing the same. Suck it up--swallow the pride if needed--and stiffen the jaw where necessary, but you'll regret it for a loooooooong time in your own heart if you come uncorked in that setting.

Emotions may be high . . . but the right thing to do is bite your tongue and pass along your condolences. Sorry to hear about your pal, John . . . my old roommate from college committed suicide a few years back and that's a rough thing to go through for sure.

[trymarine]

To me,it's about respect and dignity.Were i to attend a funeral for someone i really cared for,it would not matter one jot how much
i disliked,or even loathed someone else attending.It would almost be as if i were there alone.It's about saying goodbye to someone
you loved.
There are always some who turn up,just for appearances sake,but so be it.Be remembered as a proud and dignified man,who paid
his respects in an exemplary manner,with few,but well chosen words.Imagine all those that love you,watching you with pride at your
dignity and honour. You are a good man,and that is how good men behave. My condolences on your loss.

[kimm4]

Not the time or the place to start anything, IMHO. Go and pay your respects to Lou that should be the end of it.

Heard a lot of BS at the reception after Lisa's sister's funeral last month and as much as I wanted to call people out I kept my mouth shut, because it was the right thing to do.

The same way you choose your words at a business meeting. The same way you finish an extra rep when you want to quit. The same way you know pain is coming and you take it. Not to sound cliche', but you just do it because that's what has to be done.

These^^

If you're going to a funeral looking for a fight...stay the fuk home.

That is all...