Nerves and dating

[yummycow]

I know getting nervous on a date is normal, but I think I'm putting men off. Finding men to go out with isn't a problem and I've really liked some of them.

I think I'm actually making them more nervous or boring them because I can't get beyond small talk. All the jokes I know suddenly can't be remembered and I know I should pay them compliments but I get embarrassed and don't.

The only way I can think to overcome this problem is date more until I feel comfortable with it. I was actually thinking of signing up for a public speaking class or joining Toastmasters to help overcoming shyness in general for work, but I'm not sure if that would help with shyness and nerves while dating.

Any tips on how to be more comfortable while dating? or at least calm my nerves a bit?

[Mishka98]

I know getting nervous on a date is normal, but I think I'm putting men off. Finding men to go out with isn't a problem and I've really liked some of them.

I think I'm actually making them more nervous or boring them because I can't get beyond small talk. All the jokes I know suddenly can't be remembered and I know I should pay them compliments but I get embarrassed and don't.

The only way I can think to overcome this problem is date more until I feel comfortable with it. I was actually thinking of signing up for a public speaking class or joining Toastmasters to help overcoming shyness in general for work, but I'm not sure if that would help with shyness and nerves while dating.

Any tips on how to be more comfortable while dating? or at least calm my nerves a bit?

Liquid courage maybe? Have a drink or 2

[michpc]

Liquid courage maybe? Have a drink or 2

haha, my thoughts exactly!

I'm not sure what else will help. I think maybe adjusting your perspective, though...the first date I went on after ending a really long relationship made me want to throw up. But then I realized that there's a good chance the guy is just as nervous and that if you're both interesting/interested, you'll have something to talk about with just about anyone. Since then, I still feel some nerves on first dates, but they always end up going fine. Just be yourself (totally cliche, but also true.) Don't make it like an interview, just talk about things you enjoy, fun stories, little life details, etc. Don't be afraid of a few awkward silences! The less seriously you take it, the more relaxed and yourself you'll be. Nerves are expected on a first date! But yeah, a few drinks won't hurt either, as long as you can hold your liquor and not drink TOO much!

[Ang123]

Do guys actually care about conversation? None I've met do. They just want sex. As long as a woman looks nice, puts out and doesn't sit around complaining nonstop they really don't seem to care about anything else. I think you are being too hard on yourself. Maybe you should just let the guy lead in conversation if you don't know what to say. Don't worry about making jokes.

[yummycow]

I'm not sure what else will help. I think maybe adjusting your perspective, though...the first date I went on after ending a really long relationship made me want to throw up. But then I realized that there's a good chance the guy is just as nervous and that if you're both interesting/interested, you'll have something to talk about with just about anyone. Since then, I still feel some nerves on first dates, but they always end up going fine. Just be yourself (totally cliche, but also true.) Don't make it like an interview, just talk about things you enjoy, fun stories, little life details, etc. Don't be afraid of a few awkward silences! The less seriously you take it, the more relaxed and yourself you'll be. Nerves are expected on a first date! But yeah, a few drinks won't hurt either, as long as you can hold your liquor and not drink TOO much!

I've tried to tell myself they are just as nervous as I am, and that doesn't help at all. In fact I think that makes it worse. I do try to be myself but I never seem to act normal.

Drinks do help but I don't drink often so it doesn't always occur to me when I'm meeting someone, maybe I'll try having one next time.

Do guys actually care about conversation? None I've met do. They just want sex. I think you are being too hard on yourself. Maybe you should just let the guy lead in conversation if you don't know what to say.

I think a guy worth knowing is probably at least a little interested in good conversation. Granted they want sex, but who doesn't?

I think it's funny you say I'm hard on myself most of the people I know say I'm too hard on the guys and need to give them more of a chance. I usually only go out with them once and if things are uncomfortable I don't go out with them again. I'm told I should give them at least 2-3 dates but this doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

I've only met a few guys that can lead a conversation, and it is easier that way but I still find it difficult to let them know I'm interested. I don't remember it being this bad when I was young.

[Mishka98]

I've tried to tell myself they are just as nervous as I am, and that doesn't help at all. In fact I think that makes it worse. I do try to be myself but I never seem to act normal.

Drinks do help but I don't drink often so it doesn't always occur to me when I'm meeting someone, maybe I'll try having one next time.

I think a guy worth knowing is probably at least a little interested in good conversation. Granted they want sex, but who doesn't?

I think it's funny you say I'm hard on myself most of the people I know say I'm too hard on the guys and need to give them more of a chance. I usually only go out with them once and if things are uncomfortable I don't go out with them again. I'm told I should give them at least 2-3 dates but this doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

I've only met a few guys that can lead a conversation, and it is easier that way but I still find it difficult to let them know I'm interested. I don't remember it being this bad when I was young.

I don't believe it takes 2-3 dates. I usually know EXACTLY how I feel about them in the first few minutes. I was a serial first dater before I met DH and I have no regrets. One thing that helped me since I was meeting them all online was talking on the phone prior to meeting them.

[itsagoodday]

I suck at small talk, so if I was stuck across a dinner table from someone I didn't know that well, there would be lots of awkward silences unless he was extremely good at initiating conversation. I'd aim for activities on a date where you're not sitting and staring at each other. Anything... hiking, museum, wine tasting, you get the idea.

[Newleafrip]

Definitely the liquid courage firstly, conversation does flow better when you have a little Dutch courage.

And secondly if you meet a guy and the conversation does not instantly flow naturally then they he may not be the one for you. I loved dating when I was single, I am blessed though as I could talk to a complete strange like I have known them all my life (irish trait). But I do think that when you meet someone you should have common interest and therefore the conversation should come to you and you shouldn't have to rely on previously rehearsed jokes.

Toastmasters or Public Speaking might help, but again they are pre rehearsed speeches/talks and I don't know if that would help with making small talk.Good Luck am sure after many dates the nerves will just die away..

[DaniGrrl]

I haven't been on a date in 13 years so take this with a grain of salt. I am, however, faced with the prospect of having to do it again so I try to take note of what I hear. I've heard people say it's better to limit the first date to something shorter than dinner - like meeting for coffee or meeting for one drink, etc. It's a shorter period of time to have to fill with conversation, but it's enough to break the ice between the two of you, get over first date nerves. I've also heard it's good to do some kind of fun activity for a first date as opposed to dinner. I went to Dave and Buster's on a first date which didn't thrill me at the time. I am not the most coordinated and am not a good sport when I do something dumb. But in hindsight, it was a fun thing to do - it was certainly different from the usual dinner/drinks. I think my 38-year-old self would have much more fun with something like that than my 23-year-old self did.

I am not sure if I'm helping but I think if you keep dating, it will get easier. Good luck!!!!

[yummycow]

I don't believe it takes 2-3 dates. I usually know EXACTLY how I feel about them in the first few minutes. I was a serial first dater before I met DH and I have no regrets. One thing that helped me since I was meeting them all online was talking on the phone prior to meeting them.

Yeah I think more dates would just be a waste of time myself. I also meet most of them online and one thing I have noticed is that all of them want to text me instead of talking on the phone maybe I should just call them and talk to them before I set up anything up.

I suck at small talk, so if I was stuck across a dinner table from someone I didn't know that well, there would be lots of awkward silences unless he was extremely good at initiating conversation. I'd aim for activities on a date where you're not sitting and staring at each other. Anything... hiking, museum, wine tasting, you get the idea.

I do like your ideas. I went out shooting pool with a guy once and the conversation did seem to flow a little better and if there was a silence it was time to make a shot.

And secondly if you meet a guy and the conversation does not instantly flow naturally then they he may not be the one for you. I loved dating when I was single, I am blessed though as I could talk to a complete strange like I have known them all my life (irish trait). But I do think that when you meet someone you should have common interest and therefore the conversation should come to you and you shouldn't have to rely on previously rehearsed jokes.

Toastmasters or Public Speaking might help, but again they are pre rehearsed speeches/talks and I don't know if that would help with making small talk.Good Luck am sure after many dates the nerves will just die away..

I'm a little jealous of your ability to talk to anyone. I was painfully shy when I was young and it's taken tons of effort to get to where I am now.

I was actually hoping that stuff like Toastmasters would be helpful in job interviews and when I have to address small crowds at work. If it helped out in any other aspect of life that would be an added bonus.

[Wyomann]

Just talk with the guy on the phone 1 or 2 times before meeting if you don't mind giving your number out. I think that will ease the tension a bit.

I think if you are going on a date with a "normal" guy he isn't going to dismiss you just because your nervous. As long as their is attraction and some flirting/common interests that's all that matters on a first date.

[GreekyBeth]

Finding men to go out with isn't a problem and I've really liked some of them.


Any tips on how to be more comfortable while dating? or at least calm my nerves a bit?

You're way ahead of me, lol. I can't buy a date. Be yourself. You'll click immediately if your personalities and interests jibe with each other.

[michpc]

I'd agree that doing something other than just a few drinks for a date is a great icebreaker, and also a good way to find out if the guy's lame or not . First Friday at art galleries, museums, bike ride, etc. Also, I know it's good to have an "out" if the date is going really poorly, but I've found that the best first dates I've had have all been the ones that lasted more than a couple hours. I feel like I need that time to tell if I'm really clicking with someone, or if they're just a nice person to chat with. And, also, just have fun! Go into it thinking that you will NOT find anyone special, and maybe you'll be surprised.

[re4l]

Smoke a j or two before and you'll be good.

[yummycow]

Smoke a j or two before and you'll be good.

WOW how high are you? Do you think I would be having this problem in the first place if I was a pot smoker?

Anyways thanks for all the suggestions everyone. I really appreciate it.

[Keltron]

The only time I'll do a dinner date on a first date is if we spent a lot of time together on the actual time that we met. Otherwise it's almost guaranteed to be at least somewhat awkward... especially since I've always had trouble breathing through my nose and have to make a conscious effort to not chewing w/my mouth open lol.

Try to think of places where you can observe things. Museums, art galleries, zoo, aquarium...

But above all, the key is to not be preoccupied with supposed uncomfortable silences. They only become an issue if you make them out to be an issue.

[Ang123]

I think a guy worth knowing is probably at least a little interested in good conversation. Granted they want sex, but who doesn't?

I think it's funny you say I'm hard on myself most of the people I know say I'm too hard on the guys and need to give them more of a chance. I usually only go out with them once and if things are uncomfortable I don't go out with them again. I'm told I should give them at least 2-3 dates but this doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

I've only met a few guys that can lead a conversation, and it is easier that way but I still find it difficult to let them know I'm interested. I don't remember it being this bad when I was young.

My experience being a gal who has all guy friends is girls talk and guys "do". What I mean is guys prefer to do something like an activity that they enjoy that you will also want to join in. Guys tell me they hate it when women just want to sit and talk all the time. Many younger guys have an especially difficult time expressing themselves verbally anyway so why torture them. I have so many guy friends because I have same hobbies and interests as guys and they think that is cool I like to do more than just shop and gossip. So best thing I can suggest is quit worrying about conversation and find something you can do on a first date besides going out to dinner and talking. Like go to the park or play tennis, hike, go to local tourist attraction or festival, etc.

As far as you being too hard on guy...well its hard to say not knowing the details of each date. But I do think one can judge from first date sometimes like if you get a way off vibe from someone. I like the idea of talking on phone a few times that way you can gauge whether you really are interested in seeing them in person. There was one I started talking to from personals who refused to meet in a public spot first time like for coffee. I was told for our first date that I must agree to meet at a cabin that was 5 miles off the main road in a wilderness area where there is not only no electricity but also no cell phone or land line service. Long story short talking on phone first helped me to pick up vibes this person was dangerous. So talk a few times, texting isn't enough and meet in public a few times. Don't agree to someplace where no one else is going to be around just in case they are scary.

[Keyboardsmasher]

He'll be just as nervous.. Have a drink or two, something to take the edge off. Don't go in with any expectations it's so much more fun that way!1

[yummycow]

As far as you being too hard on guy...well its hard to say not knowing the details of each date. But I do think one can judge from first date sometimes like if you get a way off vibe from someone. I like the idea of talking on phone a few times that way you can gauge whether you really are interested in seeing them in person. There was one I started talking to from personals who refused to meet in a public spot first time like for coffee. I was told for our first date that I must agree to meet at a cabin that was 5 miles off the main road in a wilderness area where there is not only no electricity but also no cell phone or land line service. Long story short talking on phone first helped me to pick up vibes this person was dangerous. So talk a few times, texting isn't enough and meet in public a few times. Don't agree to someplace where no one else is going to be around just in case they are scary.

Well I won't bore you with those details.

No worries I got that down. We meet in public or not at all and I always pass on the offers to go and see a movie with some complete stranger. I never let them pick me up either, I always meet them there.

Anyway I usually let the guy decide where to go and they almost always choose dinner. I'm not sure why, but I think in the future I'll make some other suggestions because I do like a lot of ideas people gave me in this thread.

[Death-S]

it is important to have good conversations with the guy! there are a lot of men who are attracted to smart women, i for one, and im actually put off by weak conversations. when i go out on dates if the woman doesnt talk i will and ill ask questions, i hate awkwards silences, you just have to see who youre out on a date with

[bigfish18q]

Liquid courage maybe? Have a drink or 2

This is usually my first date choice, go to a local bdubs or something and have a drink (careful not to get sloppy). Also, focus more on having fun rather than impressing someone or worrying about saying the wrong thing. Dates are supposed to be fun, not stressful. If it doesn't work out then no biggie, at least you'll have a good time.

[Newleafrip]

[QUOTE I'm a little jealous of your ability to talk to anyone. I was painfully shy when I was young and it's taken tons of effort to get to where I am now.

I was actually hoping that stuff like Toastmasters would be helpful in job interviews and when I have to address small crowds at work. If it helped out in any other aspect of life that would be an added bonus.[/QUOTE]

Well if it is any consolation, my other half thought I was rambling out of nerves when we first met and went on our first date which was a walk in the mountains, maybe he was right. O and he thought I was a tad irritating lol, but we are together 3.5 years now so I was obviously that bad.

Defo give the toastmasters a go then, I do think anything that gives you confidence and help your nerves is a positive thing, good point!!

[skamps]

Maybe you've got a little soul searching to do, I find the conversations I have on dates are directly proportional to how deep the other person (including myself) is. If I don't have much in common with them or they just don't have any 'layers' then i toss them like salad. If you think you are boring then get a hobby or find something to do that will make you interesting, that way you have things to talk about. Props for doing toastmasters though, that's definitely a good place to start.

[yummycow]

I don't really think I'm boring and I have lot of good hobbies, but I do draw a blank when I'm on a first date. Or even better I'll think of something totally inappropriate to say, but restrain myself from saying it. Then I can't stop thinking about the inappropriate thing which I didn't say for a long while.

[Wyomann]

I don't really think I'm boring and I have lot of good hobbies, but I do draw a blank when I'm on a first date. Or even better I'll think of something totally inappropriate to say, but restrain myself from saying it. Then I can't stop thinking about the inappropriate thing which I didn't say for a long while.

Just say it. Sh!t who cares. I mean you have to be yourself and they'll either like you or not, if not just move on to someone who does. It's funny how sometimes such little things get made into big deals, but none of it matters. Look at people who die from cancers, aids, care wrecks and stuff and worrying over what a first date thinks is just not worth it.

[sqt]

How about lose some weight = more confidence?

[yummycow]

Just say it. Sh!t who cares. I mean you have to be yourself and they'll either like you or not, if not just move on to someone who does. It's funny how sometimes such little things get made into big deals, but none of it matters. Look at people who die from cancers, aids, care wrecks and stuff and worrying over what a first date thinks is just not worth it.

Yeah I know you're right. It's just easier said than done.

How about lose some weight = more confidence?

Well I'm working on it, weight lose is the whole reason I hang out on these forums. But I don't see how that would give me more confidence, I'll still be the same person.

[latebloomingmom]

Just say it. Sh!t who cares. I mean you have to be yourself and they'll either like you or not, if not just move on to someone who does. It's funny how sometimes such little things get made into big deals, but none of it matters. Look at people who die from cancers, aids, care wrecks and stuff and worrying over what a first date thinks is just not worth it.

x a gazillion ....be yourself hon
if he doesnt like it he can hit the curb

[Death-S]

x a gazillion ....be yourself hon
if he doesnt like it he can hit the curb

well said. confidence is key, its definitely attractive in a woman! know you are you, and f*ck the rest

[MichaelCJ]

Well I'm working on it, weight lose is the whole reason I hang out on these forums. But I don't see how that would give me more confidence

Really, you don't?

Hey, it's not everything (by a long shot!) but the awareness that you're looking as you want to look just IS a pretty huge confidence boost. Male or female, younger or older. And the converse would, logically, also be the case.

Anyway. As for dating, I agree with those suggesting to keep it short and (with any luck) sweet the first time. And, though I know it sounds a cliche, and maybe easier said than done (etc.), I would honestly recommend being yourself, over worrying about "doing the right thing", and all that. Every time. And yeah, doing something fun, interesting, or just something can help, I concur.

Best of luck.