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  1. #1
    Registered User KenJenkinsII's Avatar
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    Some advice on a frustrating subject for me

    Cliffs at bottom,

    Like many of you I have lost a lot of weight and gained a fair amount of muscle over the last year and friends and family obviously have noticed. Several of them are overweight and come to me for advice on getting in shape. I sincerely want to help anyone that I can and have even considered getting my PT certification I enjoy it so much. But when they don't show any initiative or follow through on anything we talk about it is very frustrating. I have never been the type to give unsolicited advice so these people come to me, but after a while I just want to stop. Some of them even get mad when I tell them that I can't be the one to motivate them, that it takes a strong desire on their part. So how do you guys and gals deal with this?

    Cliffs:

    Overweight people that I care about come to me for advice on getting in shape

    I spend a lot of time helping them and they do nothing

    I want to help but find this ^ frustrating
    The Unexamined Life is not worth living
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  2. #2
    Registered User TheIronMaster's Avatar
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    Hello I know how you feel. Out of everyone i tried to help only 2 have stuck with it. But as frustrating as it gets those who stay with it. Make it all worth while.
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    Secret Fat Boy MoldyGopher's Avatar
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    Sounds like you're just running into the overall general success rate - mostly abysmal.

    If this were easy, everyone would do it.
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  4. #4
    Not afraid of food! EB68's Avatar
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    It is very frustrating. In my experience once you start losing weight and getting in shape, everyone is critical and wants to tell you how you are wasting your time, you are going to hurt yourself lifting weights all the time, and no one believes that you will stick with it. After a while when you have made some really good progress, they then come to you for advice and ask you to help them do what you are doing, but will never take the advice you give and have unlimited excuses as to why they do not need to do everything you do. Once you put on some decent muscle mass, and they have lifted once or twice a week for a month or so with very little enthusiasm or intensity, they see no difference and accuse you of juicing.
    I just tell most people that they cannot do what I am doing and leave them with that anymore. This will either shut them up or piss them off and motivate them to prove me wrong and it works better than trying to help most.
    Eric

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    At this point I have a canned answer. Eat less, exercise more and be patient. It's not rocket science.
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    being old rules retiredrunner's Avatar
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    Tell them they need to count every single calorie they consume per day for a week and log it on their phone (no excuses these days, eh?), giving them a brief rundown of macros/caloric target. If they're able to return after a week having successfully completed this initial task, then you'll go about giving them help with their workout routine and long-term strategy - otherwise, don't bring it up anymore. I've done this with friends and family, and it's been surprisingly effective, although maybe two have stuck with it for longer than three months.
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  8. #8
    Is alcohol a macro? Seoulseeker's Avatar
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    Encourage them at every opportunity. That's what they need the most...set an example and be their hero. Everyone wants a "secret" or "shortcut" way to 6-pack abs, so try to coach them into tracking their macros/caloric intake for 2-4 weeks to show them that its really as simple as that...if they give a little effort they should see some results.
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  9. #9
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    I agree with the others. Have them meet you in the gym then you'll tell them all about it. Otherwise, save your breath.

    There's a popular term in business, but it applies here. Give to get.
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  10. #10
    Registered User BLaaR's Avatar
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    Over weight people are usually in the same mind set as those wanting to quit.........they always want to do it but never gets around doing it or they have tried but never stuck to it.

    A friend of mine is always joking saying "I cant see the problem why so many people cant quit smoking, I have done it millions of times".

    But yeah, I get you, it is hard. You can only bring a sheep to the watering hole, but you can't make them drink even if you hold its head under the water. Can't really give advice except being honest and tell them how it is and what they are doing is bothering you.
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  11. #11
    Templar Brah nebraskaheat's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by KenJenkinsII View Post
    Cliffs at bottom,

    Like many of you I have lost a lot of weight and gained a fair amount of muscle over the last year and friends and family obviously have noticed. Several of them are overweight and come to me for advice on getting in shape. I sincerely want to help anyone that I can and have even considered getting my PT certification I enjoy it so much. But when they don't show any initiative or follow through on anything we talk about it is very frustrating. I have never been the type to give unsolicited advice so these people come to me, but after a while I just want to stop. Some of them even get mad when I tell them that I can't be the one to motivate them, that it takes a strong desire on their part. So how do you guys and gals deal with this?

    Cliffs:

    Overweight people that I care about come to me for advice on getting in shape

    I spend a lot of time helping them and they do nothing

    I want to help but find this ^ frustrating
    I touched on this subject before.I actually almost "ruined" Thanksgiving because of it. Seeing so many family members for the first time in a long time, and having so many overweight family members, I just got bombarded all at once by like 15 different people. The question "what's your secret" kept getting asked. I finally had to get pissed and tell them there was no secret, get off your butts, eat less crap and exercise more..

    They didn't like that answer and pouted the rest of the day.. Oh well. F them.
    The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
    -Nietzsche

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  12. #12
    Registered User Unique_weed's Avatar
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    I just reflect on the fact that at one time I was in their mind set. It took forever for me to "get it" and it may take a while for them to start making the right moves. Just be encouraging and have patience. But I do like one of the previous suggestions which is kind of direct and not the way I would put it but, "get off your butts, eat less crap and exercise more.." is good and the truth.
    To get something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done!
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  13. #13
    Registered User ilovethe80s's Avatar
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    Just don't invest any time into it initially, like just tell them you'll shoot them an email and have something ready made with links for people to figure their calorie requirements and training programs (the stickies on this site are great for that). That's how you did it, right? Went and sorted through the info yourself? If they have legit questions and they are your friend and you want to help, then go ahead. But if they could not be bothered to read all that and want you to explain everything to them and do all the work, then you know how it will turn out.
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  14. #14
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    Originally Posted by BLaaR View Post
    A friend of mine is always joking saying "I cant see the problem why so many people cant quit smoking, I have done it millions of times".
    He actually "borrowed" that from Mark Twain.
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  15. #15
    Back at it! Capt_Lou's Avatar
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    I have learned long ago, just to nod and move on. 99% of people will never stick with it and don't have the will power to put food down or go to the gym consistently.
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  16. #16
    Maximum Effort Get-n-fit's Avatar
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    You can only help people that are willing to help themselves. My inlaws are the same exact way. Whenever I'm cutting and losing weight they want to know what I did and how they can and I try to help them and make them knowledgeable on counting calories eating at a deficit, working out, but everytime, they quit after a week, or they jump on every single fad diet that pops up regardless of how I try to veer them away from it. Now when they ask I just tell them I count calories and I'm in lifting weights every single day. usually, when they hear the last part that enough to deter them from bothering me anymore. Don't get me wrong I'd love to help them get in shape, but some people just aren't willing to put the effort into it, they just want that miracle pill.
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  17. #17
    [x] High on BeetRoot DesertDude11's Avatar
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    I got this a lot when I quit smoking... "How did you do it?" "What was your secret?"

    At first I would get into a long winded "Here's how you do it, steps 1 through a million" It wasn't till the 329th time I told someone that I noticed their eyes glassing over after step 2.

    The simple fact of the matter is that people only want to hear: "I bought this magic bullet on QVC and 24 hrs later I was smoke free/sporting a 6 pack". Try telling your friends that when you quit smoking you felt like killing yourself and everyone around you for 6 months straight. When you are trying to lose weight you are hungry 24/7 and it's a big fat pain in the arse to count calories and macros. The next thing you know, you will see them run to the local 7/11, buy a dozen twinkies, a 30 pack of bud LIGHT and a carton of Winstons and go about their normal lives thinking: "There is something wrong with that guy... he OBVIOUSLY doesn't feel pain like I feel pain."

    Now a days my answer to weight loss or quitting smoking is: "It's tough.... how bout them Cardinals? Who do you think is going to be their new head coach?"

    Sadly, we are a part of the fitness 1%.
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  18. #18
    Registered User Singe03's Avatar
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    When I finally found my "magic" program and started dropping weight (~200 to 160) I had a few folks at the office asking what I was doing and they seemed truly disappointed when I said it was just consistent but not perfect diet and consistent exercise.

    The one that really irked me was after being majorly prodded about all the details of my "magic" program, which was the ground breaking combination of strict calorie counting + 3X a week weights and a cardio day was when this lady who I always see reading diet books, yet over the years never getting any results, started giving me program advice.
    Now cutting: Got a little more squishy than I wanted, heading down to 160lbs and seeing how things look.

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    6/14/13 172lbs (? :/)
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  19. #19
    Cold day in hell frozensparky's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nebraskaheat View Post
    I touched on this subject before.I actually almost "ruined" Thanksgiving because of it. Seeing so many family members for the first time in a long time, and having so many overweight family members, I just got bombarded all at once by like 15 different people. The question "what's your secret" kept getting asked. I finally had to get pissed and tell them there was no secret, get off your butts, eat less crap and exercise more..

    They didn't like that answer and pouted the rest of the day.. Oh well. F them.
    Your description of your dinner made me think of this scene.

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    I get a few people that ask me advice, one is my son who just joined another gym. He needs to put on muscle and should have no problem at age 20.

    One neighbor (walking heart attack at age 53...) talks about doing something, but continues to smoke and eat whatever he wants and gets zero exercise. Any time I mention him joining a gym (his wife is very fit) he comes up with lame excuses and the conversation ends.

    Sometimes you can only save yoursef.

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    I know people that are that way about everything - working out, losing weight, financial issues, relationship issues, etc.. They always want advice and ask for my opinion, then I guess they don't like what they hear because they just continue doing the same thing over and over. Two years later they ask me again about the same problem - I just shake my head.
    "Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better!"

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  22. #22
    Registered User x-trainer ben's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by KenJenkinsII View Post
    Cliffs at bottom,

    Like many of you I have lost a lot of weight and gained a fair amount of muscle over the last year and friends and family obviously have noticed. Several of them are overweight and come to me for advice on getting in shape. I sincerely want to help anyone that I can and have even considered getting my PT certification I enjoy it so much. But when they don't show any initiative or follow through on anything we talk about it is very frustrating. I have never been the type to give unsolicited advice so these people come to me, but after a while I just want to stop. Some of them even get mad when I tell them that I can't be the one to motivate them, that it takes a strong desire on their part. So how do you guys and gals deal with this?

    Cliffs:

    Overweight people that I care about come to me for advice on getting in shape

    I spend a lot of time helping them and they do nothing

    I want to help but find this ^ frustrating
    I see a pattern with all of the responses so i will just say DITTO to what everyone else has replied
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    When people start asking for advice, I tell them what my rates are and give them my card. That seperates the talkers from the people who are somewhat serious and keeps me from wasting my time.
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    Thanks everybody, it is amazing how different we are from the majority just in our mindsets. Some of these answers I would love to use but it would be difficult since it is a lot of family. I have a cousin who had gastric bypass and still weighs 400 lbs and is probably 5'7" and my aunt begged me to help him and got very upset when I told her he has to WANT to do it himself. I can't do it for him. But she is overweight also so that was a foreign concept to her. But when he did start going to the gym for a consistent to weeks I went and made him a workout shirt that just said for Conner and Colby, his two sons. So when he looked in the mirror he could remind himself why he needed to do it. But it only lasted another week before quiting. Thanks everyone, this has been interesting. If anyone else has suggestions keep giving them by all means.
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    I think the person needs to prove they are motivated to learn and stick to it for a period of time before helping. In the beginning we all need to do some reading and try for ourselves. If they cannot do at least that I am not likely to waste my breath.

    I think being a PT would have a lot of very frustrating aspects to it. I know my coach asked what I was eating before/after my workouts months after she had sent me a meal plan. At first I sat puzzled thinking, wth is this question? I quickly realized many do not follow the advice they are paying for. That I find very silly. Why ask for help if you have no plan to stick to it. Accountability seems to vary significantly amongst people.
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    I went from 180 to 106 in 1994 and never looked back. Family and friends would constantly ask for advice/guidance. I gave them one word, discipline. Its hard to help when they don't grasp the concept
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    I usually say something like, "it's exactly what you think it is...eat less crap, move more, and don't give up." They usually get disappointed because they think there is some magic bullet I discovered.
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    Originally Posted by DesertDude11 View Post
    I got this a lot when I quit smoking... "How did you do it?" "What was your secret?"

    When you are trying to lose weight you are hungry 24/7 and it's a big fat pain in the arse to count calories and macros. The next thing you know, you will see them run to the local 7/11, buy a dozen twinkies, a 30 pack of bud LIGHT and a carton of Winstons and go about their normal lives thinking: "There is something wrong with that guy... he OBVIOUSLY doesn't feel pain like I feel pain."

    Now a days my answer to weight loss or quitting smoking is: "It's tough.... how bout them Cardinals? Who do you think is going to be their new head coach?"

    Sadly, we are a part of the fitness 1%.
    This exactly. Everybody is a special flower. You don't understand how much harder it is for ME to [quit smoking/workout/control my diet/etc]. My [genetics/life stresses/responsibilities/etc] are different and more apt to preclude doing the hard thing you're telling me I'd have to do to [quit/count calories and macros/workout consistently for a long period of time].

    Like everyone else has said, everybody wants to hear that the can get there by doing roughly what they are already doing (I've been guilty in the past...). Nobody wants to hear about the hard work, self-discipline and drive any of those things take.
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    Making dramatic body/lifestyle changes may be one of the hardest things possible to attempt.
    Everybody does not have it in them. Most would rather have the easy way out.
    Let the dead bury the dead. Save yourself and those who have the stones to suck it up.
    Only a few are going to have the desire and will to follow through-----sadly.
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    bench---135x1---------------230x1, 195x5
    dead----155x5---------------325x1, 305x5
    military-70x5----------------130x5
    chins----BWx8--------------+70x2
    dips-----BWx14------------ +80x5
    BOR -----115x5--------------205x3
    db row---55x8---------------100x7
    inc DB press------45x5------80x3, 75x7
    seated DB press--35x5------60x4
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    I used to help people, a lot of people. Even as far as creating a diet and macro plan. 99.9% of the people I tried to help didn't give a **** and quickly gave up. I no longer help anyone and no longer give a ****.
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