Been together with the wife for 14 yrs.......(SRS)

[Krazy31]

Brahs, I need help. Im just not feeling happy with her, with myself or our marriage for a while now. We talked last night for 2 hrs about how we feel towards each other and what the possible outcomes of this marriage may be. On one hand, I want to make it work, we have many good times together but on the other, Im tired of all the petty stupid fights we've been having and I'm just about done with it all. Yeah, granted that all relationships is gonna have ups and downs but we've been having way too many downs and this isn't the 1st time that divorce has been brought up. Last night was the 1st time we actually talked about the what-ifs of a divorce and what we both expect from each other. Any insight, opinions, criticism is welcomed but respect the srs tag

[Hankey89]

Have a break for couple months, then see how you feel... hope no kids are involved.

[penny0527]

Learn to lighten up and let things go. Petty fights are a thing of the past for my husband and I. We simply just don't worry about the little things. We laugh them off.

Do not give up.

[KyleMQuinn]

Try something out of the ordinary? Go on a spontaneous trip or surprise her with a nice night to her favorite place. The passion isn't gone it's just in remission. Spark it back up. It's probably due to boredom and loss of the whole unknown. You're just stuck in a rut OP. Then again I'm only 19 so what do I know?

[Krazy31]

Have a break for couple months, then see how you feel... hope no kids are involved.

Was thinking this, but unfortunately there are kids involved.

Learn to lighten up and let things go. Petty fights are a thing of the past for my husband and I. We simply just don't worry about the little things. We laugh them off.

Do not give up.

The petty arguments isn't the issue. It's the arguments that turns into a huge fight. I'm at the point, well been at the point, that I dont even care about the fights, I would just go off and ignore everything, and sometimes everyone around me.

Try something out of the ordinary? Go on a spontaneous trip or surprise her with a nice night to her favorite place. The passion isn't gone it's just in remission. Spark it back up. It's probably due to boredom and loss of the whole unknown. You're just stuck in a rut OP. Then again I'm only 19 so what do I know?

Been there, tried it. It works only for so long before we're back at square 1. I'm not even sure if it's boredom. When we have sex, its great. No complaints from either side. And when I think about divorce, it's not even for the fact that I would want to try and meet someone new. That's actually the furthest thing from my mind. Maybe it's cause that I've been with the same person since I was 18? I know it's not cause I "missed" my party days. The wife and I would still go out and drink and have fun as if we would if we wasn't parents

[NickD25]

More background on the situation. Any kids? what do you usually fight about.


Been married almost 10 yrs myself and know the feel some times.

[penny0527]

The petty arguments isn't the issue. It's the arguments that turns into a huge fight. I'm at the point, well been at the point, that I dont even care about the fights, I would just go off and ignore everything, and sometimes everyone around me.

The petty fights turn into the big fights. Usually the big fights are a result of both of you making mountains out of molehills. In the end you really didn't even have anything to fight about that was even worth it. It feels like you have a reason to be angry at the time but really do you? Not likely. Learn to lighten up.

Also learn how to speak to each other. Fights are often a result of how you speak to the other person. Dont throw insults and learn how to express your feelings without name calling. Don't use absolute statements like "you always" or "you never". This makes it sound like the person does not do anything right in your eyes.

Are you just making excuses because you want to be single?

[costahobo]

Do you have children?

[Krazy31]

More background on the situation. Any kids? what do you usually fight about.


Been married almost 10 yrs myself and know the feel some times.

Some background

-Met in HS
-Dated for a 6 months before I got her pregnant
-Got married exactly 1 yr after we started dating
-Next 7 yrs is the usual, typical relationship stuff so nothing uncommon there
-Wasn't going anywhere with my life, kept getting dead end jobs and thats where someone
the arguments started so I joined the Coast Guard
-Been fighting ever since about not doing anything around the house (which I do)
-Been fighting about not doing anything with the family (which I do)
-Been fighting cause she doesnt trust me (I never done anything at any given time)
-I've been fighting for her to trust me ever since (been about 7 yrs now and that was actually before I joined the CG where the trust became an issue)
-Every now and again, she would look thru my phone or laptop for anything. I told her to go for it, I dont have anything to hide. The only thing you are gonna find is a bunch of pron

I've basically telling her that I dont give a damn about her not trusting me. Ive been fighting with that issue for 7+ yrs and Im done beating a dead horse. She wants to trust me, good. If not, sobeit.

If it's not a trust fight, it's an I dont do anything fight. I work 12 hrs a shift, I want to come home and relax for at least an hr before she starts with complaints, which I've told her that too. But lately its been more or less about, I guess, both of us not being appreciative towards each other (her moreso than me)

Oh and we have 2 kids. 13 and 5

[Fozzy13]

go to marriage counseling instead of the misc










































/thread

[NickD25]

Some background

-Met in HS
-Dated for a 6 months before I got her pregnant
-Got married exactly 1 yr after we started dating
-Next 7 yrs is the usual, typical relationship stuff so nothing uncommon there
-Wasn't going anywhere with my life, kept getting dead end jobs and thats where someone
the arguments started so I joined the Coast Guard
-Been fighting ever since about not doing anything around the house (which I do)
-Been fighting about not doing anything with the family (which I do)
-Been fighting cause she doesnt trust me (I never done anything at any given time)
-I've been fighting for her to trust me ever since (been about 7 yrs now and that was actually before I joined the CG where the trust became an issue)
-Every now and again, she would look thru my phone or laptop for anything. I told her to go for it, I dont have anything to hide. The only thing you are gonna find is a bunch of pron

I've basically telling her that I dont give a damn about her not trusting me. Ive been fighting with that issue for 7+ yrs and Im done beating a dead horse. She wants to trust me, good. If not, sobeit.

If it's not a trust fight, it's an I dont do anything fight. I work 12 hrs a shift, I want to come home and relax for at least an hr before she starts with complaints, which I've told her that too. But lately its been more or less about, I guess, both of us not being appreciative towards each other (her moreso than me)

Oh and we have 2 kids. 13 and 5

Does she also work?

Think about the consequences of divorce. What would it do to you financially and emotionally? Could you handle not seeing your kids all the time? If you split and are forced to pay alimony and child support (most likely the case) can you even afford to live comfortably?

i con completely understand the frustration with trust issues. Especially if you have never done anything to cause doubt.

[costahobo]

I typed a huge reply before I saw your latest reply, and for whatever reason, I got some error in posting, and it was gone. Damn it.

It sounds to me like she's angry that you're not spending enough time with her and the family. I get your side of it, since you're working 12 hours a day, but women aren't wired like we are. So many women see spending quality time with them as showing love for them. You see it as that you're out busting your ass for 12 hours a day to give her and your family a good life. You're showing love one way, she's expecting it another way.

As for the trust issue, people just don't have trust issues. Either something happened to her, or she's done something (like cheating).

[Krazy31]

The petty fights turn into the big fights. Usually the big fights are a result of both of you making mountains out of molehills. In the end you really didn't even have anything to fight about that was even worth it. It feels like you have a reason to be angry at the time but really do you? Not likely. Learn to lighten up.

Also learn how to speak to each other. Fights are often a result of how you speak to the other person. Dont throw insults and learn how to express your feelings without name calling. Don't use absolute statements like "you always" or "you never". This makes it sound like the person does not do anything right in your eyes.

Are you just making excuses because you want to be single?

I understand that the big fights stems off the little stuff, but in most cases, its cause of what as been said, and resaid and repackaged so it can be a "whole new argument" We both do it so I'm not placing the blame fully on her. I know I have faults, those that says they don't either are too blinded by pride or just dont care. But when it becomes something that we fight about literally every three months? Cmon, theres something wrong.

As far as learning to speak to each other, other than a screamfest on both our parts, we try as much as possible to not cuss at or insult each other. I will call myself an *******, she would agree. She would call herself a bitch, and I would agree. Other than that, I'm not maliciously saying anything to her and she doesnt do the same to me.

And for me wanting to be single? Nah. I want to make things work but...

[justme7]

i agree with penny; try to put things in perspective when they're still petty before they have the chance to escalate. also, since there are kids involved, if this is reconcilable, i'd recommend putting forth every conceivable effort (even counseling) to make it work at the same time as ensuring the bad arguments aren't happening where the kids can see OR hear. two books i couldn't recommend more would be:

if you haven't read this ^^ one, it's short and DEFINITELY worthwhile. i fervently believe that it'll help you and your wife address the root issues that are triggering the petty fights. i suspect you both love each other dearly but simply have different ways of communicating that (and thereby different ways of interpreting it from the other person). there's a "him" and a "her" questionnaire at the end to fill out, and it addresses this exactly then provides suggestions for resolution moving forward. it's a short read and imparts lifelong wisdom (applicable to all interpersonal relationships, but especially marriages/LTRs)

try doing this. 40 day challenge.

and maybe watch the movie fireproof together?

[Botika]

Does she have any hobbies or interests that give her "me time"? For me carving out an hour a day to go the gym and focus on me means I feel less resentful about my husbands "free" time (we've been together 12 years). In regard to the cleaning and family time, we made the decision to get a cleaner which freed up time for us to spend together as a family. The cleaner comes once every two weeks and means that we don't spend the weekend scrubbing bathrooms etc.

Given that these issues have been ongoing for a while then you could benefit from seeking some professional marriage counselling. I know a lot of people see this as a failure but to me it just says I'm willing to do what ever it takes to fix the marriage. Who knows, in the end you may decide to separate but at least you know you have explored every option. I think it's good that you are talking with her but it sounds like there are some underlying issues/insecurity that needs to be explored and dealt with.

[penny0527]

I understand that the big fights stems off the little stuff, but in most cases, its cause of what as been said, and resaid and repackaged so it can be a "whole new argument" We both do it so I'm not placing the blame fully on her. I know I have faults, those that says they don't either are too blinded by pride or just dont care. But when it becomes something that we fight about literally every three months? Cmon, theres something wrong.

As far as learning to speak to each other, other than a screamfest on both our parts, we try as much as possible to not cuss at or insult each other. I will call myself an *******, she would agree. She would call herself a bitch, and I would agree. Other than that, I'm not maliciously saying anything to her and she doesnt do the same to me.

And for me wanting to be single? Nah. I want to make things work but...

Repackaging the same fight and making it into a "new" fight is nothing new. It's nothing tons of other married couples haven't been through and made it past. It is not just you. It's not a good enough reason to quit. Really we have all rehashed and rehashed the same old issues. My husband and I went through that. We learned to let things go and appreciate what the other person does rather than concentrating on what they do not do. A different perspective on a situation can change everything.

As far as her not trusting you it's either a result of something you've done that you do not realize or her own issues. Figure out what it is.

Try taking on the attitude that you aren't going to give up. Once you both start entertaining the idea of divorce it's easier to just roll with it.

Marriage is not easy. If it were the divorce rate would not be 50%.

[milkbrah]

so you got married when you were 14, damn, but if you hang in there i reckon it will be fine my parents used to to fight all the time when i was young but now they never do,


maybe just up the sex, seems to solve most problems

[Hankey89]

so you got married when you were 14, damn, but if you hang in there i reckon it will be fine my parents used to to fight all the time when i was young but now they never do,


maybe just up the sex, seems to solve most problems

Maths, not even once.

[bruhmiclick]

marriage, not even once. jokes on you OP, you got scammed. marriage is a JOKE. Have fun, she gon take half your s*it

[Krazy31]

go to marriage counseling instead of the misc


/thread

Tried it last yr. It really didn't do much help. I'm on the misc to get advice, to vent my problems, and to hear the thoughts of those that are in a similar situation as I am

Does she also work?

Think about the consequences of divorce. What would it do to you financially and emotionally? Could you handle not seeing your kids all the time? If you split and are forced to pay alimony and child support (most likely the case) can you even afford to live comfortably?

i con completely understand the frustration with trust issues. Especially if you have never done anything to cause doubt.

No, she hasn't worked in the time I've been in (7 yrs) I've been thinking about all that and that was the highlight of last nights talk. I laid it all out and what I would expect and what she would expect if we went through with the divorce. North Carolina law states that we would have to seperated for at least a yr before I can file for a divorce, so in that time I would basically either move into the barracks or stay there as a roommate. There's no way I can get an apt of my own right now, and theres no way she can take over as primary on our house. She is staying cause I told her that theres no way shes taking the kids away from me and she agrees. As of yesterday, I told her that even if we try (which we are trying) to work this out, she needs to look for a job. I'm just not up for the fights, the unhappiness, basically all the real negatives thats going on. Arguments are bound to happen, NO relationships are argumentless. But the same old stuff, Im done with and I told her.

I typed a huge reply before I saw your latest reply, and for whatever reason, I got some error in posting, and it was gone. Damn it.

It sounds to me like she's angry that you're not spending enough time with her and the family. I get your side of it, since you're working 12 hours a day, but women aren't wired like we are. So many women see spending quality time with them as showing love for them. You see it as that you're out busting your ass for 12 hours a day to give her and your family a good life. You're showing love one way, she's expecting it another way.

As for the trust issue, people just don't have trust issues. Either something happened to her, or she's done something (like cheating).

Thats kinda the way I see it. Yes shes a stay at home mom and I do all the money making, but I see it as OUR money. When I am home, I try to help out around the house as much as I can. I kinda help her cook at times. I ALWAYS do the dishes. On my days off, I let her sleep in. I try to be thoughtfull. I take care of her when she's sick and all that stuff. And those are when we are on our good times.

The trust issues, well Im gonna have to guess started when some crazy employee of mine at the time started texting me at all kinds of times. My wife has access to the phone bill so she can see all the incoming and outgoing texts and calls. There was more incoming then outgoing but she didnt want to believe. She read a text about something how my employee "missed my kisses" or something like that. But she didnt want to read my reponses to her. All she was fixated was on her. Finally after a week of craziness, in front of my wife, I texted the crazy and asked her "when did we kiss, cause I dont remember such an event" and her response? We never kissed, but I really want to. Either way, my wife say it, I hide nothing from her but to this day, still have an issue with me "cheating" and since I get deployed alot, that issue always comes up.

[chibito]

Hey brah i wouldn´t take that kind of sh!t from ANY woman, not even my mother.

Fukc it, leave her and find a new wife.

[Candees]

[calfetish]

marriage at 17 mind = blown. how old are the kids?

[Mr Beer]

Go and investigate divorce sites for information on how it works and how to protect your interests. You can expect to get pretty shafted since you have kids but knowledge is power.

[Krazy31]

i agree with penny; try to put things in perspective when they're still petty before they have the chance to escalate. also, since there are kids involved, if this is reconcilable, i'd recommend putting forth every conceivable effort (even counseling) to make it work at the same time as ensuring the bad arguments aren't happening where the kids can see OR hear. two books i couldn't recommend more would be:

if you haven't read this ^^ one, it's short and DEFINITELY worthwhile. i fervently believe that it'll help you and your wife address the root issues that are triggering the petty fights. i suspect you both love each other dearly but simply have different ways of communicating that (and thereby different ways of interpreting it from the other person). there's a "him" and a "her" questionnaire at the end to fill out, and it addresses this exactly then provides suggestions for resolution moving forward. it's a short read and imparts lifelong wisdom (applicable to all interpersonal relationships, but especially marriages/LTRs)

try doing this. 40 day challenge.

and maybe watch the movie fireproof together?

The 1st book, I have at the house. I havent had time to read it but we both read a similar book. I cant rememeber the name of it but its a book that we both go back to from time to time. We started reading it last yr. It helps every now and again, so it may be time to reread it or try the other book out. I'll checkout the movie recommendation as well. As the arguing in front of the kids, we try not to but its hard to when we live in a 1 story house.

Does she have any hobbies or interests that give her "me time"? For me carving out an hour a day to go the gym and focus on me means I feel less resentful about my husbands "free" time (we've been together 12 years). In regard to the cleaning and family time, we made the decision to get a cleaner which freed up time for us to spend together as a family. The cleaner comes once every two weeks and means that we don't spend the weekend scrubbing bathrooms etc.

Given that these issues have been ongoing for a while then you could benefit from seeking some professional marriage counselling. I know a lot of people see this as a failure but to me it just says I'm willing to do what ever it takes to fix the marriage. Who knows, in the end you may decide to separate but at least you know you have explored every option. I think it's good that you are talking with her but it sounds like there are some underlying issues/insecurity that needs to be explored and dealt with.

She has 12 hrs of "her time" 12 hrs when Im not home, and about 8 hrs when the kids are in school. She used to go to the gym or do Zumba or go to her BFF house. If anyone needs "me time" its me. I told her that too. I told her that on my days off or at least one of my days off, I would like to do absolutely nothing around the house. Sometimes I get it but 7/10 times I dont. Its funny, I find myself cleaning the house a lot more since I have a lot of anger that I need to release. I try to go to the gym too but after 12 hrs, I dont want to do go. Also theres an issue with depression that Im dealing with right now, and no thats not a factor of the issues we are having since those issues have long been there.

Repackaging the same fight and making it into a "new" fight is nothing new. It's nothing tons of other married couples haven't been through and made it past. It is not just you. It's not a good enough reason to quit. Really we have all rehashed and rehashed the same old issues. My husband and I went through that. We learned to let things go and appreciate what the other person does rather than concentrating on what they do not do. A different perspective on a situation can change everything.

As far as her not trusting you it's either a result of something you've done that you do not realize or her own issues. Figure out what it is.

Try taking on the attitude that you aren't going to give up. Once you both start entertaining the idea of divorce it's easier to just roll with it.

Marriage is not easy. If it were the divorce rate would not be 50%.

Well I know marriage isnt easy otherwise I would have quit, oh say about 8 yrs ago. And now adays, any marriage over 5 yrs is rare. I'm fighting with everything I got but as of late, its not enough

so you got married when you were 14, damn, but if you hang in there i reckon it will be fine my parents used to to fight all the time when i was young but now they never do,


maybe just up the sex, seems to solve most problems

Do you even math? Brah, Im 31 and been married for 13 yrs. Try it out and tell us what number you come up with

marriage, not even once. jokes on you OP, you got scammed. marriage is a JOKE. Have fun, she gon take half your s*it

Jakes on you, Im an octopus. GTFO

[Botika]

Tried it last yr. It really didn't do much help. I'm on the misc to get advice, to vent my problems, and to hear the thoughts of those that are in a similar situation as I am

Maybe try a different counsellor. Some are better than others and given you are now talking more openly it may be more successful.

[Krazy31]

marriage at 17 mind = blown. how old are the kids?

Marriage at 18 brah, been together with her since 17. Kids are 13 and 5

Go and investigate divorce sites for information on how it works and how to protect your interests. You can expect to get pretty shafted since you have kids but knowledge is power.

Honestly, I told her she can have it all. Im looking out for my kids. My kids needs a roof over their heads, food and clothes and since my wife isnt capable of providing at this moment, she can keep the house, her car and whatever. Alimony would be temp and I would GLADLY go broke to provide for my kids.

But as I said before, separation for a yr is mandatory, and in that yr, provided she gets a job, she can save up every single cent, not spend any of it, and when the time comes in one yr, she would be well off to provide for herself and our kids with me, of course, providing the child support

[penny0527]

Maybe try a different counsellor. Some are better than others and given you are now talking more openly it may be more successful.

I have heard this as well. Each is different. One you may like, one she may like. Find one you both like.

[Botika]

She has 12 hrs of "her time" 12 hrs when Im not home, and about 8 hrs when the kids are in school. She used to go to the gym or do Zumba or go to her BFF house. If anyone needs "me time" its me. I told her that too. I told her that on my days off or at least one of my days off, I would like to do absolutely nothing around the house. Sometimes I get it but 7/10 times I dont. Its funny, I find myself cleaning the house a lot more since I have a lot of anger that I need to release. I try to go to the gym too but after 12 hrs, I dont want to do go. Also theres an issue with depression that Im dealing with right now, and no thats not a factor of the issues we are having since those issues have long been there.

If she gets a job can you cut down on your work hours? It sounds like your home situation is unbalanced, you are shouldering a lot of the responsibility and not getting any downtime. Clearly the current situation isn't working and the fact is, if you keep doing the same thing then you are only going to get the same result. You need to figure out a way to makes changes in your routine to give yourself the 'me' time that you need. You need to stop putting your needs last.

[Krazy31]

Maybe try a different counsellor. Some are better than others and given you are now talking more openly it may be more successful.

I have heard this as well. Each is different. One you may like, one she may like. Find one you both like.

I may try it again. All I want to do is be happy and I want the same for her, be it our marriage presses on or it ends, but at least I know what to expect from her and she knows what to expect from me either way we go from here. Will it happen? If our history is to be believed, I guess we will find out in about 3 months.