New slate...asking for help

[nickisboi25]

Hi all!

Wow, where to begin. I'm a 25 year old guy looking to get in shape...that's the easy part. On the surface things might not look too bad. I've never had a weight problem, pretty much eat whatever I want and only have a bit of flab to show for it. I'm tall with broad shoulders and a small waist with which to build on. Far too skinny but that can change in time. But there's a lot more to say about me...

I've spent a good part of this year in counselling for anxiety and low self esteem and not too long after I started regular sessions I was diagnosed with BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). To say that this year has been difficult would be an understatement. I can honestly say I've never felt so low in my whole life. Crying nearly everyday, distancing myself from my friends and even at one point watching the blood pour out after I cut myself with a razor blade. Thankfully those dark days are over but the pain is still very much there. I've gone from having BDD to recovering from BDD. It still impacts my life in a very profound way. That's the emotional scars and now on to the physical.

I have an auto immune disease where my skin produces too much collagen. This leaves me with darker patches of skin that has a different texture to it and is slightly indented. So far I've only suffered superficial complications as a result of this disease and nothing physically harmful. However, having skin that is visibly different from what's considered normal or attractive can be very distressing. Add BDD to that and it becomes unbearable. Even after months of therapy, when I look at my body all I see are my ugly scars. All this has led to me having incredibly low self esteem and virtually no confidence in myself.

I recently went for my gym induction. I'm getting gym membership for next to nothing as part of my treatment plan. I packed my stuff the other day to go for my first session and my social anxiety and fear of having to get changed in front of other people got the best of me, resulting in me having a mild panic attack. I'm sure the majority of people are nervous and intimidated when they first start going to the gym, but the point is they make it there! We're heading into a new year very soon and I'm determined this year is going to be for me. I'm going to that gym if I have to completely freak out and cry my eyes out, it's going to happen!

I'm just asking for any words or input that will help me out here. One day I'd love to be an example to others that you can achieve your goals even when life gets in the way, but before I can be that I need to prove that to myself.

[nickisboi25]

Thanks for all the help, oh wait no one bothered to reply. If I was a pretty girl or fat, the way people would be killing themselves to help me out. I've yet to see any of this so called "community" so many people like to make this site out to be...

I'm honestly past the point of caring. I'll never be even close to perfect but this is me. Even without aesthetics I can still look and feel better if I put the work in, so that's what I'm gonna do. It pisses me off that I STILL look to other people for validation. Maybe in time I'll let go of that bad habit and finally see I'm worth something.

[CyreXx]

"Thanks for all the help, oh wait no one bothered to reply. If I was a pretty girl or fat, the way people would be killing themselves to help me out. I've yet to see any of this so called "community" so many people like to make this site out to be..."

First, there is plenty of motivational content provided on this website and forum combined. I haven't been an active member for long at all but have occasionally lurked through when feeling low/not reaching my goals.

As for yourself, are you seeking validation that you will feel better going to a gym consistently? probably, most people do, after the initial rogue stint and once you have settled down a bit in the local lifting room and not feeling like an outsider.

Going to the gym isn't for everyone though, some people never enjoy it, I knew a few people that have quit the weights and taken up swimming, spending time topless in a pool is less intimidating as its "the norm" and all sorts of people use them, regular or not.

Whatever your decision, stick with it, don't start or at least give it a go, Good luck OP

[nickisboi25]

Thanks for the reply.

I just have ridiculously low self esteem and get real angry, real quick. You can see in my avi I've got a lot to feel self conscious about. Skinny, weak body and absolutely disgusting skin. I have a panic attack just thinking about other, much better people, seeing my body. I want to start going to the gym in the new year so badly, I just hope my fears don't kill my dream before it's even begun.

[ItalianRacer7]

Take it from me. I am overweight, looking to transform my body and change my life. I have always been self-conscious and the first week or so of my gym membership, I would look in from my car, see the gym full of fit people, and drive home. Or wait literally hours until it cleared out.

Then I realized. I have two options. I can continue this life of being scared and not living, or I can go in, and face my fears. I did. I mean, I am still going and have been at it only a few weeks, but I have learned that the only way I can change is if I want to change.

I can be judged in the gym, which honestly I have learned that people could not care less about me or what I do [I always was scared people would laugh at me or question why I was there]. Or I can continue to be judged as 'That big kid' for the rest of my life.

This is for you. Not for anyone else. Nobody should make you feel scared or make you feel a certain way because you are transforming your life, and if they want to say anything about that, remember that you will have the last laugh when the end of the journey comes.

Good luck my friend !

[johnsonvt]

Just remember OP that everyone starts somewhere. Being a smaller/skinnier guy makes it tough but it only means you have a lot more to gain. It was tough for me to start going to the gym for the first time too. Everyone there is bigger, it feels like everyone is watching you, you feel pathetic trying to just lift the bar up, etc. Just look past all that because no one is going to ever judge you while you are there. Hell you may even have more balls than I did when I first started and do what I believe every beginner in a gym should do. Go up to the biggest guy/girl there and ask him/her how they got there. It really all is in your head and it is not as bad as you think. So stick with it OP and give it at least 2 weeks and then let us know how it goes. Like Cyre said, some people just aren't made for the gym. Some people may prefer swimming and doing bodyweight exercises. You will find something that works for you. Just let us know if you need anything else.

[nickisboi25]

Thank you guys for your replies.

Swimming is what terrifies me the most, despite the fact I KNOW I'm a damn good swimmer. It's the exposure that scares me. At least in the gym I can wear long sleeves and baggy clothes. I Photo-shopped my avi to remove my scars on my stomach, just to see what I'd look like normal...never felt so good! But unfortunately I can't Photoshop real life

ItalianRacer7 I can't believe we're the exact same height but over 100lbs weight difference. You got this! Your body will probably be pretty strong already and even if you have some stretchmarks, you'll reach an acceptable standard of aesthetics. You won't look like a freak with marks on your body that make you look dirty. At least one of us can live the aesthetic dream. All the best! And forgot, you're a **** load younger than me. You'll kill it in no time.

[intenseza]

I pray you find the courage and strength to carry on bud.
Just remember, that the greater the fight and effort, the sweeter the victory will taste.
Keep your chin up, and know that as evil and destructive as people can be, there are many
who aren't. A lot of the time in a gym, people feel exactly the same way you are feeling now. People don't
go to gym to judge others (for most of the part), they go there to better themselves, and a lot of the time, end up staring into
the mirror 'mirin themselves, rather than judge others. Keep the goal in mind, never lose sight, and watch how your fears will begin to fear you and
your confidence + desire to live a happy life.

Get to it

[nickisboi25]

intenseza wow, thank you for that message. Really helped me when I was feeling low. Much appreciated.

[the.jza]

Thanks for the reply.

I just have ridiculously low self esteem and get real angry, real quick. You can see in my avi I've got a lot to feel self conscious about. Skinny, weak body and absolutely disgusting skin. I have a panic attack just thinking about other, much better people, seeing my body. I want to start going to the gym in the new year so badly, I just hope my fears don't kill my dream before it's even begun.

i've got a slim frame, too, and nowhere near my goal, but you have more self confidence than me to post an avi pic. keep it up! positive thoughts will get you there! i've found working out and eating right keeps me more energetic and happy during the day, despite no other changes to my life style.

when i go to the gym, i'll be wearing my gym clothes already to prevent wasting time in the change room. in the winter, i've got my workout tshirt under a zipup hoodie, and a pair of ballshorts under my baggy jeans for super quick changing. maybe you could try this out to prevent any change room anxiety, and keep things fast and efficient?

[laydizzile]

you have the right attitude bro, get yourself pumped up to get in the gym. As for your anxiety, nobody will say anything. Hell you could probably stand on the bench in the change room and change. Majority of the people just mind there own business and do what they need to do. Be courteous, make some new friends, make it an enjoyable experience.

[alejandroPH]

Thanks for all the help, oh wait no one bothered to reply. If I was a pretty girl or fat, the way people would be killing themselves to help me out. I've yet to see any of this so called "community" so many people like to make this site out to be...

I'm honestly past the point of caring. I'll never be even close to perfect but this is me. Even without aesthetics I can still look and feel better if I put the work in, so that's what I'm gonna do. It pisses me off that I STILL look to other people for validation. Maybe in time I'll let go of that bad habit and finally see I'm worth something.

While I won't admit that if it were a pretty girl who asked pretty much everyone would be head over heels in trying to help her (such is the unfortunate truth of human society), I do believe there are still a good number of people here who really want to help you out.

As for validation, while I'd like to keep that to a minimum, I do believe it's perfectly natural and normal to seek validation externally, but that's for another discussion.

Swimming is what terrifies me the most, despite the fact I KNOW I'm a damn good swimmer. It's the exposure that scares me.

OMG then swim good man ! swim !! You're actually good at it, then do it. swim regularly + eat right = transformation right there. Of course it would be better if you go to the gym too but if you're good at swimming then you should do it. DO NOT care about what other people think even if you have a horrible patch of skin. If it really bothers you that much, can't you buy those specialised long-sleeved swimsuits ? You are missing out a lot on your health and being aesthetic goals by not swimming.

Anyway have to log out soon as my brother's gonna use this computer, but I'll keep posted to your thread and hopefully help you out further in any way I can.

Good luck with your goals and Merry Christmas.

[nickisboi25]

Thank you all for your replies,

Was all set to go to the gym on Wednesday, had one hell of a panic attack and pussied out. Gonna go Monday if it kills me. Oh and by the way, the doctor gave me some cream for my skin and instead of making it better, it's made it worse. So in addition to the hideous marks I now have dry, bright red skin surrounding them...just to make me even more insecure.