Eating Disorder Support Thread: Recovery in Numbers (2nd Edition)

[lovelolo0108]

@Erik
Chin up. I try to go at life with the thought "everything happens for a reason" as much as it sucks hearing that right now given your situation, I truly believe this will be a) a learning experience and b) something equally great or greater is in store for you. Try thinking of it that way, it often helps me out of my negative/crappy moods. Fill your time with something you enjoy, I've been reading and writing a lot again and socializing! I've been out with my friends and made more new friends this month than I ever have since I let me ED control my life and I'm just at the beginning of recovery. I've also started doing those projects around the house I keep saying i'm going to do.

[The Big Sleep]

Im sorry to hear that news Erik, but take a step back and ask yourself, "Do I really want to push carts around at 5AM?"

Or I guess another way to phrase it, were you put on this Earth to be a cart-pusher?

If the answer is, "Yes, I thoroughly enjoy the excitement of waking up at the crack of dawn and shuttling carts around for hours on end and don't get (or take, rather) any breaks." THen by all means, carry on and wallow away in a pool of defeat while seeking your next endeavor to be a slave for big corporation XYZ.

If the answer is, "No. Fuk that, it was a mindless job anyway. Im better than that and I dont need any excuse to be on my feet all day, making minimal wage and repetitively doing tasks that I really dont care about." Then you have absolutely zero to be upset about and in some way should actually see this as the opportunity to grow and move on to a better opportunity.

Just the $.02 from a guy who has worked one too many cart-pushing-esque jobs (and got fired like a boss from each )

[Crucifist]

"I guess on the "flip side", this is better for me. My Eating Disorder loved having a "high activity level", loved pushing carts, loved "pushing myself to my limits", and now that I don't have that. I don't have to worry about pushing "just as many carts as I did yesterday", or having to measure up to my activity from days past. I just have to really give some thought and really think about how I'm going to structure my days and time now.. When I told my co-workers, they were floored, blown away, and sad. Apparently a guest had just written a "comment card" the day prior, saying how "delightful of a person" she thought I was.. and how much she was going to love returning to target to shop because of the experience/friendly customer service I gave to her.. "

Quoted just for agreement and emphasis. I had a similar experience working for a certain non-profit organization, although it did not ultimately result in my termination. Bottom line: you're better off without them. If you put your mind to it, the job search can be quite the time sink. I'm not sure what your schedule is like, but I'm sure you will find another position soon if you were able to make all the odd hours in retail work for you. I don't know your exact age, but I know you're a younger guy and although this seems like the end of the world right now, it's just a speed bump in your life.

[tailwhip]

Almost everybody I know who get fired always end up being happier in the long run. Use your free time to go to new places and meet new people, exchange numbers, apply for new jobs, pick up a new hobby, etc.

[XCRunner9]

Man, that does suck if you actually like your job and not the E.D. Anyways, did you have any previous hobbies before your E.D. like perhaps gaming?

As for me, I'm taking the day off of running and just relaxing and giving the body the rest I need. I have also been eating more, so I've been feeling more energetic than my lethargic self last week.

[ThousandEyes]

Erik I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the ED liked the job more than you yourself really did. The only reason I say this is because I find myself doing the exact same thing.

I keep telling myself I like doing something active even if it's just draining and stupid. I think the real challenge would come if you ended up getting a job that wasn't active and seeing how you can handle it.

I had a hard time adjusting to school after my job over the summer, I was up and moving climbing all around in cars all day, and went to just sitting in class. It's still something I struggle with.

Now I'm in a 3.5 hour a meeting summer class and it's hard to convince myself to relax, but it's helping me rest more and more.

Sure you like an active job, but is it that you don't want a desk job? Or you don't want to sit at a desk?

[tailwhip]

Erik I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the ED liked the job more than you yourself really did. The only reason I say this is because I find myself doing the exact same thing.

I think Erik even realizes this himself, judging by what he bolded.

[Hunttarded]

@Erik
I don't know you personally but based on the things you've said and proven to the rest of us in this thread, it's Target's loss. They lost a good guy. Even better, take this opportunity without a job to focus on the more important things in life and aspire to be more. You seem very determined (not many have the courage to conquer an ED - toughest thing I've done, atleast) so I'm sure you can reach higher. All the best.

[MookyStick]

Keep your head up Erik, a better opportunity will come along. I know how cliche it sounds but I really believe that things happen for a reason. Good luck bud!

[determined4000]

@erik
I am going to make this very simple and very direct
Get a life. You need one. When you wake up in the morning, your thoughts wshouldnt have anything to do with food, diet, exercise, activity.
Normal people don't think about this.
They go about their day and have relationships, tasks to complete, a schedule where exercise/food takes a backseat.
Did you know that people with the lowest level of relationships have the lowest life expectancy?

[determined4000]

@ Devon
Given your history, dont count cals or macros at all.
Just fuel your body, eat relatively healthy balanced meals while incorporating other foods you enjoy.
If the scale doesn't move up, EAT MORE
If you hungry, eat more
If your lifts arent going up, eat more
its that easy

[jakefurfaro]

Chin up Erik. Better things are coming your way. Life has a funny way of opening new doors for us. Whether this is a positive step in your recovery process, or a new path for you to find a better/more fulfilling job - this happened for a reason.

[pghchick]

@Eric. Sorry to hear about your job. You seem like a super-cool guy and they are idiots for letting you go. Though sometimes transitions are tough, a situation like this could be the best thing that ever happens to you. We are fearful of change because routine feels good. This will force you to re-examine what you want and make that change.
I do not know what your financial needs are but the best job I had was working at Starbucks. I made a point to get to know my co-workers/customers and tried to just have fun. I did not focus on "pushing more carts" or burning calories during my shift. Try to find something that YOU (not your ED) enjoy.
In the meantime, make a list of the things you've wanted to do but don't because you are working. Then do them. And use this opportunity to HAVE FUN. Don't let that little b***h of an ED worm its way into your life right now.

[ErikTheElectric]

@Everyone

Obviously, it would be a giant/page long response if I quoted and responded to you all individually (and I'd just end up pissing off "D" a ton), so I figured I'd just write out a general post. Obviously, I'm still a little upset. The reason I even posted this in the "Eating Disorder" thread, was/is because of how much my job impacted my eating disorder (Whether I realized it or not) and the fact of the matter (after doing lots of thinking today) was that it did. On many levels. Being a cart pusher gave me a "reason" to eat more, it gave me an excuse to be able to eat "poptarts" "Toaster Strudels" and things I'd previously abstained from in my recovery. It gave me money to frugally spend on food, and useless crap that I don't even need. It also gave me my own sense of self imposed "self worth".. I was Erik _________, the cart pusher..the guy that worked his tail off, pushed as many carts as he could... by HAND (and not using the auto pusher), and ran up and down the parking lot to get you a simple shopping cart.

I was proud of this ^^^, I shouldn't say that (I was, my eating disorder was). But the fact of the matter is, I wasn't looking at my life from the right perspective..
- I can eat/enjoy all of these things, whether or not I'm active at all.
- I AM a hardworker, in everything that I do. whether or not I'm pushing carts, selling food, bagging groceries, it doesn't matter.
- I was doing all of this work, and never stopping to think of what "I wanted" and even..not even receiving/getting recognition for my duties/accomplishments.


This is all just one minor setback, one "bump in the road" as many would say. Close to 6 months ago, I was on my deathbed..dying from Anorexia.My organs were shutting down, I was fasting for 20 hours a day, Binging on vegetables at night, and praying for death to take me. I overcame that, I battled a life threatening disease, and came to stand on my own two feet. If I can overcome that, I can beat something as minor and as insignificant as this.Thinking of it in the grand scheme of things, it WAS and IS their own loss. They lost a good, hardworking employee, that never missed work, showed up 15 minutes before every shift, treated his customers with the upmost respect, and would do his job to the upmost of his ability. I got "terminated" for essentially working "too long", and thanks to the state of california..there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

All I can do.. is learn from today, move on, rebuild (start thinking about my life, and structuring things the way I WANT) and start having "fun".
I can't thank you all enough for your words of encouragement and motivation. They mean the world to me.

And yes, I guess I will start to "get a life". It sounds good right about now.

E

[Christian220896]

Erik, like the others, I am DEEPLY sorry for the job loss. That was a total "dick move" on their part. They're going to soon realize that they lost a very valuable person just for some petty garbage that I'm positive other people do. Oh well, it's their loss. If they try to re-hire you because the knucklehead they hired to replace you fails, tell them to F right off. I work at Kohl's, if there is one near you, I'd suggest applying there. I've only been there a month, but I', enjoying it immensely.

Just remember, you are a continued source of inspiration here. You have all of our support, don't be afraid to message if you want to talk.

[lovelolo0108]

^^^^ atta boy!!! That's what is what we like to hear the world is at your finger tips!!!

[determined4000]

@Erik
Invite someone over to watch the game tonight

[tailwhip]

@Erik

What determined said about getting a life sounded very blunt, but it's true. I'm not saying your a caveman that isolates himself 24/7, but I noticed you said before that you only have a few friends, and you can never seem to find something to do. I also notice you put alot of effort into your "food porn".

What you need to do is go to public places such as the bookstore, music store, bowling alley, etc., and REACH OUT to people. Try to get to know them. Find something convenient to talk about. Ask for their number. I never stfu to random people when I go out. It's now a habit since my recovery; I go out and seek friendships. Now whenever I have a BBQ at my place, I need to cook like $200 worth of ribs, lol.

[tab682002]

Whats up guys,
So I do not have an eating disorder but more of a predisposition with food. When I was younger I was diagnosed with obesity and became basically the butt of all the jokes with my friends. Playing sports all through high school made this high weight somewhat tolerable along with working out and gaining strength. After high school however, I decided to focus on academics at college and basically just wanted to focus on being fit and active. Unfortunately my binging of food as a little kid still lurks around. I am unable to become full, when I eat certain foods I blow up like a balloon, and if I fall off the clean eating wagon for even just one meal my body goes haywire and it takes days to recover, even worst if I go out with the guys a night. I did a few competitions to help give me a goal and did pretty well with each of them too, however now my predisposition is on one end with food and the other with wanting to be that lean again, even though we all know thats not healthy. I believe I have irritable bowel syndrome and with the way I stress out over trying to look perfect yet maintain a healthy life with friends and family, my symptoms flare up even more. I work my ass off in the gym along with a decent amount of cardio with a low calorie diet (around 1800 kcal) to support if I fall off the wagon but also to try and keep myself lean, plus its the routine I just got into from the contest. I need help here because its making my relationship with myself, my significant other, and my family a mess. I am one of those people with a false image in the mirror to add to it.

[determined4000]

@tab
It sound harsh but ask yourself how selfish you are being.
You are prioritizing something superficial (your aesthetics) over relationships and loved ones.
Additionally, is what you doing making you happy?
Doesnt sound like it.
If you were less restricitve, more flexible but had a life and enjoyed your day to day better than now, wouldnt it be well worth whatever VERY minor difference you may see physically.

[ErikTheElectric]

Well, it's been a "rough day" but after a lot of thinking and through everyones thoughtful and inspiring comments. I've realized that I've got a lot to be thankful for and a lot to be proud of. It's not the "end of the world", I'm not dead, I could be so much "worse off", I could be still living in my own apartment, waking up at 5 a.m to do 3 hours of stationary cardio and hoping/praying that someone would "take me away", like I was months ago.

I've been really appreciating the "finer things" in life lately, have been more "happy" for.. well, nothing really, been smiling more (until today's setback). At the end of the day, I still have tons to be happy about, tons to look forward too. School starts next week, I've already gotten 2 job offers (people pretty much waiting until I was available to work again lol), I've been making some serious progress in the gym, and my life is finally looking up. I've got a big support team, system, and a wonderful family. After looking at what happened today (in which I pretty much got fired for working my tail off), I realized that I'm better off, I'm going to ENJOY my life much more, in the months to come.

Thanks again everyone for your support and encouragement.

OH! AND GO BLACK HAWKS!

[Crucifist]

@determined and @tab

"@tab
It sound harsh but ask yourself how selfish you are being.
You are prioritizing something superficial (your aesthetics) over relationships and loved ones.
Additionally, is what you doing making you happy?"

I quoted this bit because it really stood out for me. As far as my personal experience, it was this revelation that finally spurred me to action and prompted me to start taking control of my life. Consider that your SO, your family, and your friends (and you yourself) are all mortal people who could potentially die at any time. I'm not trying to sound morbid, just emphasizing that your time with these people is limited. Do you really want to look back on your life and think of all the time missed with x or y loved one just so you could squeeze in that extra gym session or hit your macros for the day? Will all of that be worth it when your skin begins to wrinkle and your joints won't allow you to work out with the intensity that you once did?

@Erik

As far as Pop-Tarts, Toaster Strudels, etc...they are food, are they not? If you woke up this morning, alive and well, and enjoy these foods, then I'd say you have all the "excuse" you need to enjoy them. That's the way I've come to look at it, anyway.

[tab682002]

@tab
It sound harsh but ask yourself how selfish you are being.
You are prioritizing something superficial (your aesthetics) over relationships and loved ones.
Additionally, is what you doing making you happy?
Doesnt sound like it.
If you were less restricitve, more flexible but had a life and enjoyed your day to day better than now, wouldnt it be well worth whatever VERY minor difference you may see physically.

I don't act like the "Arnold" though who didn't go to his dads funeral, I just mean that I limit myself away from certain environments because of the temptation and then when I give in I feel guilty. The problem too is I'm a perfectionist. I want to be big strong and bulked because that is my body type yet I like the hard, ripped, athletic appeal as well but I also want to enjoy life with my friends and family. At a natural stand point though we all know how difficult this is.

[Scrabbz]

Hey guys, I know this is a pretty tight knit group here...but I recently was diagnosed with anorexia and I hit an all time mental and emotional low today and yesterday.

I've gotten to the point where if I enjoy the food, I feel guilty. On top of that, had it not been for a few select people last night, I probably would have done something very drastic...
I obviously need help, and I'm going to get it very soon...but has anyone else felt so much hurt and guilt over an ED that they've wanted to harm themselves over it? Am I alone on this?

[The Big Sleep]

Am I alone on this?

Well, this thread is your answer (which is a resounding "No"). If you have thoughts of hurting yourself that is a serious issue that I would seek professional help for. Please don't do anything drastic to yourself over an ED, its not worth it and you're better than that.

[Scrabbz]

Well, this thread is your answer (which is a resounding "No").

Thanks, I was more about asking about the whole...physical harm part of it however. I just feel very alone right now is all.

As for professional help, I'm getting it. In fact, I'm sitting on my phone waiting for it to arrive. At the office as we speak.

[tab682002]

Thanks, I was more about asking about the whole...physical harm part of it however. I just feel very alone right now is all.

As for professional help, I'm getting it. In fact, I'm sitting on my phone waiting for it to arrive. At the office as we speak.

Why do you feel this way bro. Like what triggers it?

[Scrabbz]

Why do you feel this way bro. Like what triggers it?

The guilt or the self harm?

The guilt: I don't know, I think maybe if I'm enjoying food, it means I'll slip out of control and binge. So I feel guilty and hate myself for it. To put it in perspective how bad it is: I won't/havent eaten over 2100kcals in weeks because I feel like I'll gain fat AND I've had one or two foods I enjoy in the day, feel like total crap over it, and won't eat anymore/won't allow myself to eat over 2100, 2050 if I can help it...

The harm: Well, to be honest, I have depression on top of an ED, and I just got to the point where I feel like I can't take it anymore. You guys recently mentioned how normal people don't think about food all day long and have lives. I'm one of those people who thinks of it all day long: logs, re-logs, measures and plans out every little aspect of food I consume and plan to consume. I wake up thinking how to make my breakfast and go to bed thinking of how I could/should have eaten less and how I will do so tomorrow...and it's all caught up to me. I can barely keep sane. I just...feel like the only way out is a permanent solution right now.

[The Big Sleep]

Well Im no therapist, but what I can say is you need to heed the advice in your signature and think about this rationally and not be so emotionally attached to your food intake. I know thats a lot easier to say than it is to do it, especially when dealing with psychological issues.

Heres the thing, it is LITERALLY killing your body to subsist on such few calories and the fact that you think you're over-consuming/over-enjoying food at this point is just inane on so many levels. So rationally speaking, you CAN NOT/WILL NOT survive unless you nourish your body with the necessary nutrients. Just step back and really grasp the concept of what nutrition is all about--its how we survive and maintain our bodily function. Sure there is a psychological aspect to eating/food, but that doesn't mean you should ignore the fact that among other things, eating/food are as essential to your existence as oxygen is for respiration.

[tab682002]

The guilt or the self harm?

The guilt: I don't know, I think maybe if I'm enjoying food, it means I'll slip out of control and binge. So I feel guilty and hate myself for it. To put it in perspective how bad it is: I won't/havent eaten over 2100kcals in weeks because I feel like I'll gain fat AND I've had one or two foods I enjoy in the day, feel like total crap over it, and won't eat anymore/won't allow myself to eat over 2100, 2050 if I can help it...

The harm: Well, to be honest, I have depression on top of an ED, and I just got to the point where I feel like I can't take it anymore. You guys recently mentioned how normal people don't think about food all day long and have lives. I'm one of those people who thinks of it all day long: logs, re-logs, measures and plans out every little aspect of food I consume and plan to consume. I wake up thinking how to make my breakfast and go to bed thinking of how I could/should have eaten less and how I will do so tomorrow...and it's all caught up to me. I can barely keep sane. I just...feel like the only way out is a permanent solution right now.

Believe me bud I'm right there with you. I have a big predisposition of food on so many levels. Always weigh everything log and know every calorie I take in. Don't eat over 1800 kcal a day and feel guilty when I do I get it. But think about it. Ending it means you've lost the fight. Looking at yours pics man your lean dude and I know you can't see that but no one or nothing can take that way from you. Do you really want to make yourself miserable knowing you could have been successful at overcoming this and being happy?