Eating Disorder Support Thread: Recovery in Numbers (2nd Edition)

[NormaJean1]

Do you have the same reaction to liquid calories or is it limited to solid foods?

Limited to solid foods for some odd reason.

[Christian220896]

Thanks for the replies everyone. It isn't that I hate it, it was just particular day where the workout sucked (mentally) lol. I continued and had a good day today and plan to continue tomorrow, just have to keep going along.

And yes, I know the feeling of doing so much cardio your body gives out on you; I did SO much that my groin muscles gave out so I could hardly walk and it didn't heal properly because I wasn't eating. Also, the starving damaged my heart muscles as well so I can't do as much as I used to be able to do.

[ErikTheElectric]

So, I've finally done it. I've accepted the fact that I cannot do this on my own, and that I need help. It's been quite the day really, a lot of emotions... a lot of tears.. so much has happened over the past few hours that I still am in shock and fear about what is going to happen to me and I'm still thinking about my decision and if it was the right one, but ultimately.. looking at my life right now.. in shambles, in ruins, in agony, in utter hell. I know that I need this in the end, even though the "Eating Disorder" is telling me to NOT go.. and to NOT accept help. I've told myself, and LIED to myself for far too long to keep going on any longer.. to keep mindlessly spinning my wheels.

When my father first sat me down at the table tonight, I already knew what it was going to be about. I had found the little piece of paper only hours earlier of "what and what not to bring to the treatment facility: "List of Items"... thus the next few hours were spent furiously searching my head for reasons why I would relay to my dad and my family I would NOT be entering any sort of "treatment center" of any kind, why I DIDN'T need help, and why THEY were/are the ones that are delusional.

I spent the next few hours going on and on and on in my thoughts about how "this is all just caused from your depression", "you'll get through the hump, just keep detoxing off of caffeine/stimulants and you'll be "back to normal", etc. But at the end of it all, this is all what I have been doing for so long now, trying to beat this on my own. And it hasn't worked.

I went back to my summer before last, where I spent my days in both an inpatient and an outpatient facility before college. I was unsuccessful in reclaiming my health and my own "free will", and to be "truly free" of this eating disorder. I mean for goodness sakes, I would wake up everyday before treatment and walk 45,000 steps in order to burn off the calories that I would be consuming at the place. Just the utter fear of weight gain, and food filled my head. But in a nutshell, the treatment didn't work.. because I didn't want to recover and I didn't want to let go of my eating disorder.

When my father sat me down tonight, and cried in front of me. I broke down too, all of those thoughts about "why I didn't need to go", "why I didn't need treatment", why I just needed "time" to get this done, etc. ALL faded away and it overcame me. I finally gave in and took the first step into reclaiming my life, I opted for recovery. What have I got to lose? Nothing. That's essentially what my life as of late has been, Nothing.

So what? I wake up tomorrow, and go back to the same hell-filled life that I was used to living? Go walk obsessively to the grocery store, buy a bunch of water.. and walk home. And sit inside my apartment for the rest of the afternoon/night while I wallow in my own self pity and torment myself.. Oh wait, it's 8 p.m.. and then I obsessively walk to the grocery store and binge eat vegetables until it's 1 a.m and it's time to go to sleep again and start the same repetitive cycle.. This has been my life. And I'm proud to say, that I've taken the first step to get out of this hell. Treatment.

There's so much more to life than to live this way, to wake up.. and not want to live anymore, to wake up 4-5x a night because I have to pee, having to constantly think/daydream about food, to constantly see therapists/doctors, to one day WONDER and to one day hope that I'll be "free of this" when I know that I wont do it on my own. I have so much to look forward to in life, and the number one thing for me right now is getting my health and my life back.

So, Tomorrow.. I go. 4:30 a.m sharp, to some "facility" in Arizona. I'm actually quite thankful that I'm no longer an "adolescent" and I wont have to be around 11 year old/12 year old kids that are "finger painting pictures of "ED" and writing letters to their past "ED selves" and that my treatment will finally be around ADULTS. Hopefully I can get internet access, but I don't plan on it.. since they block my phone usage (can't take a cell phone) and I'm only able to call people maybe 3x a week. But that's it really, I just have to keep thinking about my future and how much this will benefit me in the end.

To all that have known me, to all that have seen me try and fail. To all that have followed along with me in my journey, talked to me, and have offered advice/motivation for me. I cannot thank you enough for everything. I can only hope and pray that I come out of this a "Truly changed" individual, one that's on the path to being "truly free" once again.

- E

[fldhkybnva]

So, I've finally done it. I've accepted the fact that I cannot do this on my own, and that I need help. It's been quite the day really, a lot of emotions... a lot of tears.. so much has happened over the past few hours that I still am in shock and fear about what is going to happen to me and I'm still thinking about my decision and if it was the right one, but ultimately.. looking at my life right now.. in shambles, in ruins, in agony, in utter hell. I know that I need this in the end, even though the "Eating Disorder" is telling me to NOT go.. and to NOT accept help. I've told myself, and LIED to myself for far too long to keep going on any longer.. to keep mindlessly spinning my wheels.

When my father first sat me down at the table tonight, I already knew what it was going to be about. I had found the little piece of paper only hours earlier of "what and what not to bring to the treatment facility: "List of Items"... thus the next few hours were spent furiously searching my head for reasons why I would relay to my dad and my family I would NOT be entering any sort of "treatment center" of any kind, why I DIDN'T need help, and why THEY were/are the ones that are delusional.

I spent the next few hours going on and on and on in my thoughts about how "this is all just caused from your depression", "you'll get through the hump, just keep detoxing off of caffeine/stimulants and you'll be "back to normal", etc. But at the end of it all, this is all what I have been doing for so long now, trying to beat this on my own. And it hasn't worked.

I went back to my summer before last, where I spent my days in both an inpatient and an outpatient facility before college. I was unsuccessful in reclaiming my health and my own "free will", and to be "truly free" of this eating disorder. I mean for goodness sakes, I would wake up everyday before treatment and walk 45,000 steps in order to burn off the calories that I would be consuming at the place. Just the utter fear of weight gain, and food filled my head. But in a nutshell, the treatment didn't work.. because I didn't want to recover and I didn't want to let go of my eating disorder.

When my father sat me down tonight, and cried in front of me. I broke down too, all of those thoughts about "why I didn't need to go", "why I didn't need treatment", why I just needed "time" to get this done, etc. ALL faded away and it overcame me. I finally gave in and took the first step into reclaiming my life, I opted for recovery. What have I got to lose? Nothing. That's essentially what my life as of late has been, Nothing.

So what? I wake up tomorrow, and go back to the same hell-filled life that I was used to living? Go walk obsessively to the grocery store, buy a bunch of water.. and walk home. And sit inside my apartment for the rest of the afternoon/night while I wallow in my own self pity and torment myself.. Oh wait, it's 8 p.m.. and then I obsessively walk to the grocery store and binge eat vegetables until it's 1 a.m and it's time to go to sleep again and start the same repetitive cycle.. This has been my life. And I'm proud to say, that I've taken the first step to get out of this hell. Treatment.

There's so much more to life than to live this way, to wake up.. and not want to live anymore, to wake up 4-5x a night because I have to pee, having to constantly think/daydream about food, to constantly see therapists/doctors, to one day WONDER and to one day hope that I'll be "free of this" when I know that I wont do it on my own. I have so much to look forward to in life, and the number one thing for me right now is getting my health and my life back.

So, Tomorrow.. I go. 4:30 a.m sharp, to some "facility" in Arizona. I'm actually quite thankful that I'm no longer an "adolescent" and I wont have to be around 11 year old/12 year old kids that are "finger painting pictures of "ED" and writing letters to their past "ED selves" and that my treatment will finally be around ADULTS. Hopefully I can get internet access, but I don't plan on it.. since they block my phone usage (can't take a cell phone) and I'm only able to call people maybe 3x a week. But that's it really, I just have to keep thinking about my future and how much this will benefit me in the end.

To all that have known me, to all that have seen me try and fail. To all that have followed along with me in my journey, talked to me, and have offered advice/motivation for me. I cannot thank you enough for everything. I can only hope and pray that I come out of this a "Truly changed" individual, one that's on the path to being "truly free" once again.

- E

Wow, I applaud your strength and courage and wish you the best of luck. As you know, it won't be easy, but I have the utmost faith in you and hope that you can beat this monster. You are truly an inspiration.

[determined4000]

Erik you did not give in.

You made a choice and did something few ever have the strength to do.
The strength to make the choice to get better and get your life back. The strength to face fear in the face head on to get well.

If only everyone had this strength to punch their ED in the face and decide LIFE > misery.
LIFE. That is what you gained tonight. A life you have missed out on and a LIFE you WILL reclaim.
It doesnt matter how long you are there or how hard it will be.

Let the emotions flow and know everything will be all right.
You are truely a remarkable individual and are showing others what it takes to stop the slow death that is life with an ED and starting the gift that is life.

You are in are thoughts and prayers always.
D.

[riaden]

D is right! thanks erik for everything!
your doing the right thing! we are all behind you ,and are always here for you!

[ErikTheElectric]

Thanks all. As I sit here and eat my last "free meal" on my own. I begin to recollect and go back to the fact I do need this.. more than ever.
The more I think about it.. the more I realized.. I'm almost "excited" as much as I am scared to go into treatment.. because of how pathetic my life has become..

Because of how much my life has been taken away from me by this.. I LOVE food.. yet I deprive myself of it (yet, I'm still somewhat "excited" that I'll finally be able to LET GO of it all and finally be fed.. is this the wrong thought here?)

I appreciate the support and kind words, you all have been great sources of support for me.

E

[JeffyDOS]

Erik you did not give in.

You made a choice and did something few ever have the strength to do.
The strength to make the choice to get better and get your life back. The strength to face fear in the face head on to get well.

If only everyone had this strength to punch their ED in the face and decide LIFE > misery.
LIFE. That is what you gained tonight. A life you have missed out on and a LIFE you WILL reclaim.
It doesnt matter how long you are there or how hard it will be.

Let the emotions flow and know everything will be all right.
You are truely a remarkable individual and are showing others what it takes to stop the slow death that is life with an ED and starting the gift that is life.

You are in are thoughts and prayers always.
D.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Good luck, Erik.

[Crucifist]

Thanks all. As I sit here and eat my last "free meal" on my own. I begin to recollect and go back to the fact I do need this.. more than ever.
The more I think about it.. the more I realized.. I'm almost "excited" as much as I am scared to go into treatment.. because of how pathetic my life has become..

Because of how much my life has been taken away from me by this.. I LOVE food.. yet I deprive myself of it (yet, I'm still somewhat "excited" that I'll finally be able to LET GO of it all and finally be fed.. is this the wrong thought here?)

I appreciate the support and kind words, you all have been great sources of support for me.

E

Heaven forbid you take some relief in the fact that you are ending what has been a systematic form of self-torment for who knows how long. It's completely normal to feel that sense of "excitement," in my opinion. I have rarely commented on it, but although I am a relatively new poster, I have seen many ups and downs for you. It's great to see that you're taking such strides to save your life (not your existence necessarily, but life), because you are only going to get one. By the time of this posting, you may no longer be able to see this, but I felt compelled to commend you for what you're doing. This is what strength really means.

[riaden]

your excited, and looking foward to it, because you have lost all control, no more counting, no more perparing food, no more cooking, no more dishes, no more exercise, no more deciding what to eat, and i think no more stress, because now you dont have to worry about anyuthing, apart from getting your life under control. i wish you the best in your recovery!

[ELLSKIES]

ERIK! I'm so happy for you! Seriously, you SHOULD be excited. This is a chance to beat this thing once and for all, with the help of some great people, who do this for a living, and will make it their number one priority to get you back to your normal, happy, self.

You have your WHOLE life ahead of you. Trust me---someday this whole thing will be a distant memory. The time you spend getting your life back is a minor 'time out' that you desperately need. There's NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. Without it, we really have nothing else. And just know that people take 'time outs' from school, work, etc. all the time, for lots of different reasons, and to overcome problems, and there's nothing wrong with it. It happens all the time, even in the adult 'corporate world.' And school/work/life will be there when you get back, don't worry. )

I'm rooting for you and will continue to do so forever. You're a great kid, with a great personality, and you have so much to offer the world. Be sure to laugh often---it truly is the best medicine. )

[ALzeroorder]

Thanks all. As I sit here and eat my last "free meal" on my own. I begin to recollect and go back to the fact I do need this.. more than ever.
The more I think about it.. the more I realized.. I'm almost "excited" as much as I am scared to go into treatment.. because of how pathetic my life has become..

Because of how much my life has been taken away from me by this.. I LOVE food.. yet I deprive myself of it (yet, I'm still somewhat "excited" that I'll finally be able to LET GO of it all and finally be fed.. is this the wrong thought here?)

I appreciate the support and kind words, you all have been great sources of support for me.

E

As a drug addict (I don't say former because I always will be, its just lifting is my drug of choice these days) I can assure you it will take along time to completely feel normal again without stimulants. I never thought I would. But mark my words, it will get better.Just remember the mental withdrawal will always be so much harder than the physical, this will help put any depression into perspective, just tough it out you will start to improve daily if you just hold on. ED's and addiction are not a good mix , I can attest to this. I can't offer much advice to anyone (ED's arent really my specialty) except stop punishing yourselves , you done that enough already. It's time to enjoy life. best of luck

[auri1296]

So, I've finally done it. I've accepted the fact that I cannot do this on my own, and that I need help. It's been quite the day really, a lot of emotions... a lot of tears.. so much has happened over the past few hours that I still am in shock and fear about what is going to happen to me and I'm still thinking about my decision and if it was the right one, but ultimately.. looking at my life right now.. in shambles, in ruins, in agony, in utter hell. I know that I need this in the end, even though the "Eating Disorder" is telling me to NOT go.. and to NOT accept help. I've told myself, and LIED to myself for far too long to keep going on any longer.. to keep mindlessly spinning my wheels.

When my father first sat me down at the table tonight, I already knew what it was going to be about. I had found the little piece of paper only hours earlier of "what and what not to bring to the treatment facility: "List of Items"... thus the next few hours were spent furiously searching my head for reasons why I would relay to my dad and my family I would NOT be entering any sort of "treatment center" of any kind, why I DIDN'T need help, and why THEY were/are the ones that are delusional.

I spent the next few hours going on and on and on in my thoughts about how "this is all just caused from your depression", "you'll get through the hump, just keep detoxing off of caffeine/stimulants and you'll be "back to normal", etc. But at the end of it all, this is all what I have been doing for so long now, trying to beat this on my own. And it hasn't worked.

I went back to my summer before last, where I spent my days in both an inpatient and an outpatient facility before college. I was unsuccessful in reclaiming my health and my own "free will", and to be "truly free" of this eating disorder. I mean for goodness sakes, I would wake up everyday before treatment and walk 45,000 steps in order to burn off the calories that I would be consuming at the place. Just the utter fear of weight gain, and food filled my head. But in a nutshell, the treatment didn't work.. because I didn't want to recover and I didn't want to let go of my eating disorder.

When my father sat me down tonight, and cried in front of me. I broke down too, all of those thoughts about "why I didn't need to go", "why I didn't need treatment", why I just needed "time" to get this done, etc. ALL faded away and it overcame me. I finally gave in and took the first step into reclaiming my life, I opted for recovery. What have I got to lose? Nothing. That's essentially what my life as of late has been, Nothing.

So what? I wake up tomorrow, and go back to the same hell-filled life that I was used to living? Go walk obsessively to the grocery store, buy a bunch of water.. and walk home. And sit inside my apartment for the rest of the afternoon/night while I wallow in my own self pity and torment myself.. Oh wait, it's 8 p.m.. and then I obsessively walk to the grocery store and binge eat vegetables until it's 1 a.m and it's time to go to sleep again and start the same repetitive cycle.. This has been my life. And I'm proud to say, that I've taken the first step to get out of this hell. Treatment.

There's so much more to life than to live this way, to wake up.. and not want to live anymore, to wake up 4-5x a night because I have to pee, having to constantly think/daydream about food, to constantly see therapists/doctors, to one day WONDER and to one day hope that I'll be "free of this" when I know that I wont do it on my own. I have so much to look forward to in life, and the number one thing for me right now is getting my health and my life back.

So, Tomorrow.. I go. 4:30 a.m sharp, to some "facility" in Arizona. I'm actually quite thankful that I'm no longer an "adolescent" and I wont have to be around 11 year old/12 year old kids that are "finger painting pictures of "ED" and writing letters to their past "ED selves" and that my treatment will finally be around ADULTS. Hopefully I can get internet access, but I don't plan on it.. since they block my phone usage (can't take a cell phone) and I'm only able to call people maybe 3x a week. But that's it really, I just have to keep thinking about my future and how much this will benefit me in the end.

To all that have known me, to all that have seen me try and fail. To all that have followed along with me in my journey, talked to me, and have offered advice/motivation for me. I cannot thank you enough for everything. I can only hope and pray that I come out of this a "Truly changed" individual, one that's on the path to being "truly free" once again.

- E

This is great! I applaud you for having the strength to admit that you need some help in defeating your ED. Recovery is not easy and it does take a long time to become normal again but I have faith in you.

[Christian220896]

That is great Erik! Letting go is the hardest part but once you hit rock bottom, there is no place else to go but up. It's very freeing as well. I've kind of let myself relapse over the past few months, but this post has inspired me to get better as well. Good luck my friend.

[JakeSim]

I may as well post in here as I would gladly accept the help. I am also a known user on these forums that posts numerous times with the same concerns(?) as I am completely obsessive and controllive of my diety and workouts.

Anyhow, I obsess about probably every single thing with my diet and workouts. If I go over by 10 calories I worry a little bit. If I binge once I stress really bad. If I don't stay consistent I get upset. If I don't lift I question if it's bad. If I don't have 5-6 meals and I eat whenever I want I question that too.

I used to be fat somewhat and I really got into physical activity and I have no idea if that's why I am the way I am now but I get afraid of losing muscle and gaining fat. I witness how I look one day and I get scared about losing it.

Lately my diet hasn't been on track since Thanksigiving with 3 binges since and a number of days with my calories going over by 500-700. I then went back down to my normal calories for about 4? days and was told to bump up my calories because I complained about eating only 2,050 calories. I'm now thinking that I didn't lose enough fat before I added these extra 200 calories I added last night. I am also worrying that I added these extra calories on a rest day and am not lifting again today so it will be my second rest day with +200 calories and am afraid that it will go straight to fat because I'm not lifting.

Anyhow, I'm really obsessive and I don't want to lose what I have as I have looked good a huge portion of my life and it means a lot to me and I really would dislike to lose it and having OCD on top of it does not really help.

[Werdeinstar]

hey guys i am 1,81 and my weight is 50 kg. i am onky 16 and a boy
what can i do to get a weight like 80kg. its useless to train when there is no fat.
even girl are laughing about me
people say eat more jeah i know this is the fact but what shold i eat to reach my goal and how often can i eat?
want to have weight like 70-80

[johnson5552]

So, I've finally done it. I've accepted the fact that I cannot do this on my own, and that I need help. It's been quite the day really, a lot of emotions... a lot of tears.. so much has happened over the past few hours that I still am in shock and fear about what is going to happen to me and I'm still thinking about my decision and if it was the right one, but ultimately.. looking at my life right now.. in shambles, in ruins, in agony, in utter hell. I know that I need this in the end, even though the "Eating Disorder" is telling me to NOT go.. and to NOT accept help. I've told myself, and LIED to myself for far too long to keep going on any longer.. to keep mindlessly spinning my wheels.

When my father first sat me down at the table tonight, I already knew what it was going to be about. I had found the little piece of paper only hours earlier of "what and what not to bring to the treatment facility: "List of Items"... thus the next few hours were spent furiously searching my head for reasons why I would relay to my dad and my family I would NOT be entering any sort of "treatment center" of any kind, why I DIDN'T need help, and why THEY were/are the ones that are delusional.

I spent the next few hours going on and on and on in my thoughts about how "this is all just caused from your depression", "you'll get through the hump, just keep detoxing off of caffeine/stimulants and you'll be "back to normal", etc. But at the end of it all, this is all what I have been doing for so long now, trying to beat this on my own. And it hasn't worked.

I went back to my summer before last, where I spent my days in both an inpatient and an outpatient facility before college. I was unsuccessful in reclaiming my health and my own "free will", and to be "truly free" of this eating disorder. I mean for goodness sakes, I would wake up everyday before treatment and walk 45,000 steps in order to burn off the calories that I would be consuming at the place. Just the utter fear of weight gain, and food filled my head. But in a nutshell, the treatment didn't work.. because I didn't want to recover and I didn't want to let go of my eating disorder.

When my father sat me down tonight, and cried in front of me. I broke down too, all of those thoughts about "why I didn't need to go", "why I didn't need treatment", why I just needed "time" to get this done, etc. ALL faded away and it overcame me. I finally gave in and took the first step into reclaiming my life, I opted for recovery. What have I got to lose? Nothing. That's essentially what my life as of late has been, Nothing.

So what? I wake up tomorrow, and go back to the same hell-filled life that I was used to living? Go walk obsessively to the grocery store, buy a bunch of water.. and walk home. And sit inside my apartment for the rest of the afternoon/night while I wallow in my own self pity and torment myself.. Oh wait, it's 8 p.m.. and then I obsessively walk to the grocery store and binge eat vegetables until it's 1 a.m and it's time to go to sleep again and start the same repetitive cycle.. This has been my life. And I'm proud to say, that I've taken the first step to get out of this hell. Treatment.

There's so much more to life than to live this way, to wake up.. and not want to live anymore, to wake up 4-5x a night because I have to pee, having to constantly think/daydream about food, to constantly see therapists/doctors, to one day WONDER and to one day hope that I'll be "free of this" when I know that I wont do it on my own. I have so much to look forward to in life, and the number one thing for me right now is getting my health and my life back.

So, Tomorrow.. I go. 4:30 a.m sharp, to some "facility" in Arizona. I'm actually quite thankful that I'm no longer an "adolescent" and I wont have to be around 11 year old/12 year old kids that are "finger painting pictures of "ED" and writing letters to their past "ED selves" and that my treatment will finally be around ADULTS. Hopefully I can get internet access, but I don't plan on it.. since they block my phone usage (can't take a cell phone) and I'm only able to call people maybe 3x a week. But that's it really, I just have to keep thinking about my future and how much this will benefit me in the end.

To all that have known me, to all that have seen me try and fail. To all that have followed along with me in my journey, talked to me, and have offered advice/motivation for me. I cannot thank you enough for everything. I can only hope and pray that I come out of this a "Truly changed" individual, one that's on the path to being "truly free" once again.

- E

Erik,

I know that I am probably too late but I hope this reaches you somehow.

You have meant so much to so many people here and have been key in my recovery journey. Your touching message brought tears to my eyes because of the bravery you are showing is remarkable. I completely understand the inner battle that goes on when deciding to enter treatment and the tricks that our minds play because of the fact that we will truly have to let go of our disordered selves in treatment and this is frightening. Myself, just weeks out of treatment am familiar with this battle as it goes on everyday in my own head everyday. Erik, your honesty and sharing your fears makes me feel a lot better about going to treatment and cementing the fact that I need to go and that my thoughts are normal. You are truly inspiring and this is a cliche I know but every time you give advice I am inspired and the fact that you yourself are making a difficult decision and reclaiming your life is the bravest thing I have ever seen. Thoughts and prayers are with you my friend, and I'll be thinking if you.

[determined4000]

hey guys i am 1,81 and my weight is 50 kg. i am onky 16 and a boy
what can i do to get a weight like 80kg. its useless to train when there is no fat.
even girl are laughing about me
people say eat more jeah i know this is the fact but what shold i eat to reach my goal and how often can i eat?
want to have weight like 70-80

eat whenever you are hungry and when you arent
How much do you eat now?
Eat 20% more than that this week
20% more than that the next

[The Solution]

Interview with The Big Sleep on Muscle Geek Radio, check it out when you get a chance!: http://tinyurl.com/cwhlzvw

For those struggling with an ED, give a listen to the podcast about me, I touch on my ED and what i did to help overcome it, maybe it may be the trigger to help you flip the switch and get back on path to a healthy lifestyle.

[Coolbreeze7]

Does y'all stomach feel wierd for awhile upon refeeding n how long this last for ?

[determined4000]

Does y'all stomach feel wierd for awhile upon refeeding n how long this last for ?

please leave this thread

[auri1296]

I may as well post in here as I would gladly accept the help. I am also a known user on these forums that posts numerous times with the same concerns(?) as I am completely obsessive and controllive of my diety and workouts.

Anyhow, I obsess about probably every single thing with my diet and workouts. If I go over by 10 calories I worry a little bit. If I binge once I stress really bad. If I don't stay consistent I get upset. If I don't lift I question if it's bad. If I don't have 5-6 meals and I eat whenever I want I question that too.

I used to be fat somewhat and I really got into physical activity and I have no idea if that's why I am the way I am now but I get afraid of losing muscle and gaining fat. I witness how I look one day and I get scared about losing it.

Lately my diet hasn't been on track since Thanksigiving with 3 binges since and a number of days with my calories going over by 500-700. I then went back down to my normal calories for about 4? days and was told to bump up my calories because I complained about eating only 2,050 calories. I'm now thinking that I didn't lose enough fat before I added these extra 200 calories I added last night. I am also worrying that I added these extra calories on a rest day and am not lifting again today so it will be my second rest day with +200 calories and am afraid that it will go straight to fat because I'm not lifting.

Anyhow, I'm really obsessive and I don't want to lose what I have as I have looked good a huge portion of my life and it means a lot to me and I really would dislike to lose it and having OCD on top of it does not really help.

I understand how you feel. In my battle with Ed medication has helped me a lot. The only thing is you must take it as prescribed and consistently. I find that I often go into a depressed state if I am not taking the medication consistently. I would also visit your doctor and he can assist you in finding treatment options for you.

[m0ckingjay]

I could really use some advice from people who have been in the same position as me:

I'm starting to get worried about working out, but I think it's just the high anxiety that comes with having an eating disorder. I'm not even working out a lot, I'm pushing myself, but it seems that I don't have to push myself that hard to feel as though my body is aching and drained. I'm finding myself wanting to binge during exercise days, even though I'm doing no cardio, just strength. I don't know if I should have more rest days? I guess I jumped into this thinking "work out every other day" ...is this too much if I'm aching so much? I've gained weight, but I think some of it may be water weight and most of it is just.. fat/padding/filling out after being underweight. My bum is rounder though and when I tense my stomach I can see that my muscles seem stronger than they were, although they're still pretty much non-existent. My ribs aren't poking out any more and my hips seem wider, so there's progress at least.

My BMI was fluctuating 15.6-16.0. My BMI is now mid-high 16.something, but it fluctuates a lot and I've gained 6lbs since around the end of November. I'm just wondering, does anyone know if I'm ok to be lifting? I'm aiming to eat 1800 calories per day, which is around a 20% surplus of my maintenance, but I've been overeating occasionally because I keep worrying that I need more calories and I'm worrying that I'm not getting enough calories to be fit and healthy. I haven't even started lifting yet, I have weights being delivered to my house on Thursday, but I've been working out doing muscle exercises for the past month, upped my workout the past week and like I said my body is aching a lot. Is this just building muscle and strength? Should I be resting more due to my condition? I only ordered light weights to add some resistance and to help me build, so I can then get stronger and continue to add heavier weights and gain more muscle.

My sleeping pattern is messed up also. I've been reading that I should be sleeping around 8 hours per night, but I often sleep around 6-7 hours... does this matter?

I asked my doctor about general exercise and she said it was OK, even though my liver enzymes are high.. she said "lots of people have higher enzymes and are walking around just fine." Is this why I'm drained and aching easily, because of my liver enzymes? Am I over thinking things? I'm hoping to get the doctors opinions on lifting next time I see her, but unfortunately that won't be until a week or so, and I'm literally dying to get started.

This wasn't a short burst of anorexia. This has been back and forth between anorexia/bulimia/binging for the past few years, so I guess I'm more drained than you might expect. I'm in a much more positive state of mind since focusing my mind on building strength, muscle, and fitness, but my body seems to be taking it quite hard, but like I said, I don't know if I'm just over thinking things because I'm supposed to ache, aren't I? Should I persevere? I assume that as long as I'm gaining weight, I can't be going wrong? Can I?

[determined4000]

@mockingjay

High liver enzymes occur when you are malmourished (too little calories over too long a period)

Over soreness occurs when you are not properly fueling recovery (this occurs when you calories cannot sustain muscle repair)

A BMI of 15-16 is often for only people in hospitals. You could be medically unstable at that weight

Insomnia can be linked to malnutrition

--All your problems seem to stem from being underweight and undereating

I would suggest you continue to gain weight before you start lifting hard. Get your weight into a more acceptable BMI range (17+, 18 would be better) and calories to a more normal level (over 2000). Then start training, adding in volume and weight very gradually.

[ThousandEyes]

^Can vouch for the above.

My liver enzymes and soreness skyrocketed when I was at my worst.

My doc thought I was doing all kinds of drugs and alcohol at college.

[heretomorrow]

I may as well post in here as I would gladly accept the help. I am also a known user on these forums that posts numerous times with the same concerns(?) as I am completely obsessive and controllive of my diety and workouts.

Anyhow, I obsess about probably every single thing with my diet and workouts. If I go over by 10 calories I worry a little bit. If I binge once I stress really bad. If I don't stay consistent I get upset. If I don't lift I question if it's bad. If I don't have 5-6 meals and I eat whenever I want I question that too.

I used to be fat somewhat and I really got into physical activity and I have no idea if that's why I am the way I am now but I get afraid of losing muscle and gaining fat. I witness how I look one day and I get scared about losing it.

Lately my diet hasn't been on track since Thanksigiving with 3 binges since and a number of days with my calories going over by 500-700. I then went back down to my normal calories for about 4? days and was told to bump up my calories because I complained about eating only 2,050 calories. I'm now thinking that I didn't lose enough fat before I added these extra 200 calories I added last night. I am also worrying that I added these extra calories on a rest day and am not lifting again today so it will be my second rest day with +200 calories and am afraid that it will go straight to fat because I'm not lifting.

Anyhow, I'm really obsessive and I don't want to lose what I have as I have looked good a huge portion of my life and it means a lot to me and I really would dislike to lose it and having OCD on top of it does not really help.

Hey. The fear of getting fat is something I really identify with. A couple of years ago I got obsessive about it. Like you I would worry if I went a bit over, or missed a workout etc. I felt like eating a little bit extra food and doing a little bit less exercise, over a few days, and suddenly I would gain everything back.

Eventually I did put on weight, which is what I had been so scared of. It happened because I got so busy with work and study, I literally did not have hours in the day. And I had gone to such an extreme with the diet/exercise that it was nearly impossible to maintain with a normal lifestyle. Then I gained a few kilos and it was like a snowball effect and I just gave up. I think I gained 10 kilos in total, which on a 5'7 female frame is not exactly negligible.

But I was amazed at how little of a difference it made to pretty much everything. For one, nobody seemed to notice. Literally nobody - not even my boyfriend or my family or friends. Nobody really commented or anything.

Also I was still pretty fit. I would go for a run every now and then and I still felt fit and strong.

It was then that I started to realise it was all in my head. Nobody else cared, and it made next to no difference in who I was as a person and how I was valued in the world.

I have since found a very happy medium and have maintained it easily. I lost 5 kilos so I am literally right in the middle of where I was. I will probably gain a few kg's back in the winter, I don't mind though. Also I weigh myself sporadically, but I used to do it multiple times a day. Wow when I look back I realise how off the deep end I was. Also I haven't binged in literally 18 months, or even come close. I used to do it all the time. God I remember how much it sucked. Now I just eat crap food almost every day, but only a tiny bit, like a bar of chocolate or whatever. I don't think about it. It's crazy, because back in the day if I ate a single row of chocolate that would be it for the rest of the day. I am so so much healthier in my mindset now.

Good luck to anyone going through this - I am on the other end of it and couldn't be happier. I can't believe how far I've come. I used to think about nothing but diet/health/fitness. Now those things are just a subconscious part of my life, I have good habits and I don't even think about it. I think more about things that really matter, like relationships, being happy, and having fun life experiences.

[determined4000]

It was then that I started to realise it was all in my head. Nobody else cared, and it made next to no difference in who I was as a person and how I was valued in the world.

I am on the other end of it and couldn't be happier.

I think more about things that really matter, like relationships, being happy, and having fun life experiences.

These are the three things that are most important. Giving up your ED will
1. Provide happiness
2. Allow for you to engage in the important things in life (family, friends, other raltionships, experiences)
3. You realize that you are the only one who cares at all about your appearance, physique etc.

For those of you who discount #3 ask yourself if you care what your family and friends look like. Would you not love your you family members if they were each 15lbs heavier? Would you ditch a friend if they ate fast food? I certainly doubt it.
On the other hand, you might lose relationships if you are too busy focusing on diet and exercise and these selfish behaviors to be bothered maintaining relationships.

You only live once. Dont waste the time you have with these people.

[longmile]

Hey guys I'm giving intuitive eating a try

[determined4000]

Hey guys I'm giving intuitive eating a try

People did this for 4.5billion years and had no issues
Then for the last 50 years they started counting and became significantly unhealthier in body and MIND.

Finding balance in diet, exercise, etc. just like in any part of life is the key. And "balance" certainly does not require/include micromanagement.

[longmile]

People did this for 4.5billion years and had no issues
Then for the last 50 years they started counting and became significantly unhealthier in body and MIND.

Finding balance in diet, exercise, etc. just like in any part of life is the key. And "balance" certainly does not require/include micromanagement.

Yeah, I've tried diets every time and failed...for a compulsive eater, dieting is the most dangerous. I've decided to really tune in to my body and eat when my body feels like eating. It's going to be extremely hard and painful after all the years of overeating and not knowing my body's cues/signals. For the new year I'm being patient and letting my weight come down very slowly.