Eating Disorder Support Thread: Recovery in Numbers (2nd Edition)

[shesprints]

Erik, as much as I may tease you in other threads, I really care about you and I'm glad you were able to handle this tough situation with grace (and use it as a philosophical lesson, no less). I hope things turn out OK for you.

[fldhkybnva]

@Erik

Stay safe.

[StanPT]

I don't know if this is any different to Erik but when me and my brother stayed in a hotel in London for the semi finals of our football team, I went to bed normally. I had no other thing to do other than sleep after we got back. So yes I was distracted from my urges for that night. I didn't even eat at the usual times, I ate a lot less yes, but I didn't have a schedule.

Sounds like you had a good time Erik.

[simoxeh]

@simon That's quite insulting. I don't find my eating disorder something that needs attention from people, it's asking for advice and help. I wish I didn't have to talk about or live with this horrible thing!!

Really doesn't make me feel good about disorder. I feel as if I should isolate myself from talking about it. I almost feel like I'm boring people with it. How can I look for attention which such a crappy illness? It's not something to shout about or be proud of, it's embarrassing and spoils your life.

My apologies.

[nxnx]

I'm food neophobic and I possibly have a selective eating disorder. Terrified of trying out new foods, and when I do that results in me gagging and sometimes even throwing up. I dislike many healthy foods and I let myself eat only eat "proven" foods. When I was little during school trips I'd eat bread and buy my own "food" while everyone else was having normal meals (everything was adjusted). Same thing happens now.

I'm slowly trying to shift more food into my life, one by one. It'll probably take a while.

[ErikTheElectric]

@ Everyone

Thank you for the well wishes, coming back and looking at the hillside this morning. Looks like the fire got within 200 ft of my complex, definitely eye opening and makes you value what you have.



@Stan

It could be seen as the same thing. We all have different experiences. The last thing I had was "a good time" though, lots of lost sleep. It just made me think of taking better precautions when this will happen next.


Thanks again everyone

[StanPT]

I'm actually going to write how I feel and come back to it. Tonight I don't feel the urge to binge. I know I could easily go downstairs and eat the biscuits or have some cereal but I feel quite ok. May be because it's hot? I've not eaten too much today and exercised quite a bit and I still feel no urges. I drank a lot more today. I hardly ever drink fluids.

Sitting here I'm asking myself what are the actual fears I'm going to get by just going to bed. I don't need to eat anything, I can wait till tomorrow. If I wake up and feel the urges then they can wait till the morning where I'll start the day off with a good breakfast, lunch and dinner. I'll enjoy them much more too. Eating late makes me feel like crap the next day, so why put myself through that for the sake of a few hours before breakfast.

[SM15]

I've been browsing this thread for some time now. Embarrassingly I will admit that I am also one who has suffered from an eating disorder. Personally I can relate to a lot of the members and their stories. It is definitely not easy to just stop eating, or to start eating more. My problem was I never ate enough. I moved out on my own to take a job in my field. I was aware finances were going to be tight, so I only spent a limited amount of money on groceries per week. That meant I could only buy so much food. As a result, I subjected myself to malnutrition by not eating enough. I also worked 10-11 hours per day and did not sleep 8-9 hours per day. The end result was I lost 30 pounds.

Two and a half years later, which was just recently, I finally put my foot down and made an appointment to see my primary care physician. I asked him, what is the healthiest manner in which to gain weight? His answer was to eat more and engage in strength training. Ever since this, I've been on this forum like "stink on ****" to learn as much as I can about proper techniques, eating habits/nutrition, etc. My motivation to gain weight to the healthy range has never been higher. I started following the beginner workout plan, and in my third week, I've never been more excited to reach a goal. I was willing to go out of my comfort zone of eating far more (~2500 calories per day) than what I would usually eat (1600-1800 calories per day) I am so glad I decided to seek help about this disorder. Because I believe had I not, nothing would've changed. Thus, I encourage anyone and everyone suffering from these problems to seek help! Do not be afraid.

Aside, I am really glad there is a thread for this topic. If any other individuals who are in my boat need advice, please send me a message or post here. I would be happy to assist you, provide any advice or encouragement.

[determined4000]

@SM15

That is truly great to hear. You can serve an an example and inspiration to others who are conflicted about trying to gain weight and get healthy.
Achieving goals and improving yourself provides great satisfaction, a satisfaction you sound like you now feel.
Becoming healthier and stronger in body and mind is a true accomplishment.

Keep up the good work.

[determined4000]

Also to those dealing with anorexia, a study done that showed the increased mortality rates of those maintaining body weights that are far too low.
http://jech.bmj.com/content/57/2/130.full

Remember, eating less is NOT healthy. If you want to be/eat healthy, you need to gain weight and eat more period.

[ErikTheElectric]

^ Would be curious/would like to see the same study done here in the U.S

[Tana22]

So, my weight went up as expected with the increased intake, freak out has ensued...however no restriction and no binging just emotions all over the place. I'm pushing through, I competed in my first crossfit competition on the weekend, and placed second. It was only a casual throwdown, nothing serious- more for practice and fun but still, I know for a fact 5kgs ago I would not have been able to complete those workouts with those weights. I know ths is where I want to be, it's just that mental hurdle of that number. I'm really close to the agreed to goal number now, and I think that's a bit scary too, not knowing if I'll be able to stop and not get overweight again, I just have to keep reminding myself that the 130kg me did not workout, did not crossfit and did not have the nutritional knowledge I have now.

[StanPT]

@Tana22 Good show! looks like some real good positives in there.

@SM15 Any help and advice would be greatful. To be honest I think I'm still in stage one of the illness. When people talk about weight gain it feeds the ED. It wants to feel like it's right. Eat more and gain weight = ED is right.

I want to eat properly and maintain a good weight for myself. I've gained too much weight during the binge stages. A steady 8%-9% body fat and healthy eating habits is where I want to be.

At the minute if I do go in to binge mode I compensate the next day by exercising hard. My joints are worn, my enjoyment and fitness of the sports I do will suffer ever more.
It's vital I break the whole cycle. I don't want to be underweight and have no energy, loose my sex drive and look ill. I want the energy, positive body image and happiness.

[Hulk2124]

Hi there! Just wanted to inspire you not to give up... All of us have had bad times.. At least, you have to struggle with your body, your overeating habits. I was thin, weak, severely bullied, wanted to take my own life... Bodybuilding was my solution in my transformation from a skinny, small, shy, bullied kid to my new strong, cheerful self, who sincerely wants to help others believe in themselves and keep trying. Check out my short motivational video at my ShyNFit channel:

youtube.com/watch?v=uyZLS_HFSoU

Never give up on your dreams, my friend!

I think it's very important to eat healthy: more proteins, fruit, vegetables... & of course, exercise to gain muscle & to believe in yourself with a smile on your face and faith in your heart!

Hi, first time here (my first post in this whole forum).

I was a huge kid all of my life, eating anything and everything. I eventually became so fat I couldn't stand it, like 350+ lbs. I wanted to change this, so I started walking and watched my eating. My eating eventually got to only about 500 calories a day for over a year. I got down to about 190 lbs, then I got a treadmill, overworked myself, got injured and depressed, and refused to eat more than vegetables. I got down to about 130 lbs. It doesn't sound too bad, but as a 6ft 23 year old male, I was skeletal. I recovered to about 180, but have been kind of dropping weight in the last couple weeks, down to about 165.

My body is really bad. Loose skin hangs and due to severe restriction, I lost A LOT of muscle mass, I can barely bench press 60 lbs (getting better though). I can still see my ribs. I've recently started lifting weights, but eating the right stuff scares me because I'm scared of gaining a lot of weight (also I'm tired of doing so much cardio work lol). However, I know it's something I have to get over. I don't know if I should try to lose more of the flab or just work on gaining muscle.

Also, I was debating joining this site because it looked a little intimidating, but I decided to when I seen the other thread. Hopefully it can give me the insight I need.

Thanks for reading!

[Hulk2124]

Congrats on your success! Have you tried using small plates?? eating from small dishware somehow makes you feel full quicker& eat less overall...Good luck!

Just thought I'd let you guys know that last night was successful. Didn't even have to utilize any anti-binging strategies. Was feeling hungry before bed so I just ate a normal sized meal that satiated and filled me up but wasn't excessive. Feels good.


@StanPT

Listen to everyone else. You need to seek help. Restricting yourself by saying you're not going to eat after 10pm is only
going to perpetuate your ED. Find a good therapist that specializes in ED an stick with them. That's where I started.

[fldhkybnva]

@Tana22

Great job, congratulations on the competition! It's great that you're focusing on the positive aspects of a higher weight. Keep calm, and continue on. The weight is just a number, focus on the strength. For right now, you're doing great. Try not worry about the future.

[StanPT]

Congrats on your success! Have you tried using small plates?? eating from small dishware somehow makes you feel full quicker& eat less overall...Good luck!

Reducing our meals isn't good advice. That's like feeding the ED what it wants.

[StanPT]

I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment but I could smash something or beat someone up. I feel angry and frustrated inside, I could cry with anger! I went for a walk and felt really **** about myself. Frumpy and avoiding mirrors. I think everyone who looks at me is saying something and I could run so hard to take the frustration away.

Anyone else experience these symptoms and are they normal?

[reinvdw]

I recently duiscovered that I have been having an eating disorder since november last year...
I cut calories too drastically trying too cut, and at some point I just became scared of upping my cals and it got so bad that they prevented me to train or go to school for 3 weeks.
After that the "anorexia" kinda went, but I started getting extreme urges to eat. So I developed boulimia. At first I thought it wasn't so bad, and that it would be nothing but a tactic to eat junk food without
suffering consequences, until it became a true addiction and started interfering with my life and money. I gave my cash card to my parents, and after a few weeks sneaking up on the fridge and bingeing at night I got it under control.
I started restricting more drastically again, which backfired at me with increasingly severe binges.
At first it was like: I ate 300 cals mover than planned, lets make up for it tomorrow.
I succeeded dutring the day, but at night I would eat even more then I tried to make up for.
And so the cycle continued.

Until at some point I gave up and wanted to start eating normally again.
It happened again. And again. I was plagued by this extreme hunger every single day.
I tried stuffing myself with veggies, tea, coke, protein, nothing worked.
I was totally hopeless until I started searching, and stumbled upon "reactive eating": bingeing after anorexia.
I also stumbled upon this: http://www.amazon.com/The-End-Overea.../dp/B004NSVE32
Since I mainly crave high fat, high sugar, and salty foods, could my problem be caused by an overactive reward center caused by the availability of hyperpalatable food, as explained in the book?
Bodybuilding and sports are my passion. I just want my appetite normalized, and then start a clean bulk, eating when hungry, while being free of eating disorders.

Anybody in here to help?

[ThousandEyes]

Long stint of not being around, came back to say I've gotten rid of my food scale (Haven't used it in months now and even then it was sparingly), which is huge considering I used to have to have everything at an unwavering exact ounce to even consider eating it.

Things are going great for me and I'm happier now than I've been in a while. Have a job that's cool and doing things outside of lifting. Still working on a few things mentally but overall things have been going up.

[fldhkybnva]

@ThousandEyes Glad to hear it!

[shesprints]

@Thousandeyes, WAY TO GO! I'm still not up to your level with the food scale, but I'll get there.

@reinvdw, since you're talking about reward pathways and reactive eating, I highly recommend you check out this book: http://www.amazon.com/Brain-over-Bin.../dp/0984481702 It's about rational recover from binge eating, WITHOUT falling back into restriction [since the author dealt with both anorexia and exercise bulimia]. I highly recommend it.

It's sad, isn't it, how many of us only start to feel we have a problem when we begin binging, rather than when restricting? Anorexia is what is called 'ego-syntonic,' i.e. it feels like it is in line with our goals and self-esteem. Of course it's really not, but it feels so 'right' a lot of the time that it can be the toughest mindset to fight.

[StanPT]

@Shesprints - That's a very good point. When I was under eating/underweight I never realised the problem until the binges started. It's much harder coping with the binges than it was being underweight.

The binges kept me awake, which then interfered with my job. I gained some weight, which made me sad, anxious and out of control.
When you're underweight you're more in control of the disorder and you keep feeding on it.

Imagine the feeling you get from a binge, well that's what you get from being told you look skinny. You're feeding it.

Does that make any sense?

[shesprints]

@StanPT, yes, it makes sense. Both being called skinny and binging are facets of your eating disorder, so both feel good in the same way--they both play on the same OCD food/body obsession. BOTH ARE BAD. Binging is bad AND restricting and fetishizing skinniness (or, heck, physical appearance!) is bad. Both are your eating disorder brain forcing you to form obsessive ideations. Those obsessions are NOT the whole of your being. The 'pleasure' you feel from binging or from hearing you look skinny is not real pleasure or real happiness, it's a distraction. It only feels good because it can be comforting to rest in the same obsessive mindset--it's a feedback loop that you are used to. But it's also a prison. There are WORLDS of other pleasures and happy emotions outside of that stupid loop of food and exercise games.

[SM15]

@Tana22 Good show! looks like some real good positives in there.

@SM15 Any help and advice would be greatful. To be honest I think I'm still in stage one of the illness. When people talk about weight gain it feeds the ED. It wants to feel like it's right. Eat more and gain weight = ED is right.

I want to eat properly and maintain a good weight for myself. I've gained too much weight during the binge stages. A steady 8%-9% body fat and healthy eating habits is where I want to be.

At the minute if I do go in to binge mode I compensate the next day by exercising hard. My joints are worn, my enjoyment and fitness of the sports I do will suffer ever more.
It's vital I break the whole cycle. I don't want to be underweight and have no energy, loose my sex drive and look ill. I want the energy, positive body image and happiness.

Think about it this way: you WILL gain weight if you binge. I've binged and I know I've gained weight from it. That is what caused me great concern. My thinking parallels yours by wanting to gain weight the healthy way. The best advice I can give is to make the change. Do it. Don't say you will because it won't happen. Why? Because I've lived it and I know it. To be successful you've got to start. If you don't start you don't finish!

@SM15

That is truly great to hear. You can serve an an example and inspiration to others who are conflicted about trying to gain weight and get healthy.
Achieving goals and improving yourself provides great satisfaction, a satisfaction you sound like you now feel.
Becoming healthier and stronger in body and mind is a true accomplishment.

Keep up the good work.

Thanks, D4000. I appreciate the positive reinforcement.

On a side note, I like your signature about MMDELAD concerning the man-made trans fats. Starting this year I made a promise to myself I would not eat any hydrogenated or partially-hydrogenated oils or shortening (and now mono and di-glycerides) as a 500 day challenge. That made me have to cut out food I enjoy like Blue Bell ice cream and fried chicken. But it has forced me to make my own versions and to read labels and packaging, which is making me a smarter consumer and a healthier human being. So far, so good for me. I've got about a year to go. If I can make it, I would consider banning those nasty substances for life!

[determined4000]

@stan
Stop with the BF goals. That is only fueling your disorder and stopping you from gaining weight. Weight you need to gain to be healthy. Turst me.
Each time you gain a 1lb or 2lbs, you will constantly be worrying that your BF went up and then stop gaining weight or lose what you gain.
The only way to improve your body and overall health is to eat and gain weight steadily for an extended period of time.

Where have your perfectionist body gaols gotten you? Into a deep black whole of misery.
So just stop. Re-assess your current state of mind and body and make new goals.

[StanPT]

@Determinded It's hard to try and think of weight gain. I was a fat teenager and eventually I showed people that I wasn't that person anymore. I hated the fat me. I'm a small frame so shouldn't be fat, I over ate and felt crap. I do like the feeling of being thin but it went far beyond that and turned into a disorder. These days I eat good food and I enjoy them but I also have banned foods which isn't so good. I want to be in the position where I don't worry about my body image and weight along with keeping slim for health issues and my own vanity.

Some may think the last bit is wrong ''VANITY'' but like some of you other people who've been fat previously, putting weight on and heading back to that horrible world isn't for me.
I have taken care of the fat person I didn't like and now I must deal with the ED side. I once walked around a local countryside at a low body fat and thought ''I'm not actually happy, no one finds this skinny body attractive but myself and what am I achieving?'' I sat for awhile and thought that I can't win. I'm either too fat and not happy and now skinny in the same position. People making comments either end! I felt weak and not very manly being underweight and the thoughts of being bigger did seem more attractive. I visualised myself being a healthier weight, a girlfriend and a happy, confident me.

I have clothes in my wardrobe that I'm afraid to try on since gaining weight. I was a 28 inch waist and now I can't fit in them. I keep telling myself that it was too thin to take away any disappointment and fear of feeding the ED.

Sorry for the long story but it feels good to let all these stories out. It's like letting them unload and discovering what I need to do from others who have experienced them.

[StanPT]

@sm15 I hope this doesn't sound bad but I'm glad you gained weight. I actually saw your picture and felt relieved. When I gained weight I was beating myself up thinking I was the only one and was out of control.

BTW I've eaten less over the 2 nights and discovered even when I'm not hungry I eat. I wake up during sometimes and instantly think of going downstairs and making milk and cereal. It's almost like I fear going to bed and use food to comfort me. Is that apart of the disorder or is that something else?

[SM15]

@sm15 I hope this doesn't sound bad but I'm glad you gained weight. I actually saw your picture and felt relieved. When I gained weight I was beating myself up thinking I was the only one and was out of control.

BTW I've eaten less over the 2 nights and discovered even when I'm not hungry I eat. I wake up during sometimes and instantly think of going downstairs and making milk and cereal. It's almost like I fear going to bed and use food to comfort me. Is that apart of the disorder or is that something else?

I beat myself up over gaining weight, too. Also when I ate too much I would get really down and harsh on myself. What I learned is, one has to forget it happened and move on. Use the result as a learning point and try harder not to make it happen again.

Do you count calories or use an app or website that helps you track what you eat? I believe that would be beneficial. It can help you detail how much you can eat to hit your goals. That may assist you with the craving for food.

[fldhkybnva]

@StanPT

I am sincerely worried for you. Your questions are repetitive and it's evident that you're really not listening to anything that anyone has to say or maybe you are but you retain the information for all of 5 minutes before you forget. Your nighttime eating behavior can all be explained by your behavior in the other hours of the day. All of your thoughts about body fat and gaining weight are your eating disorder speaking. Yes, your nighttime eating is part of the disorder, a disorder which for now you have chosen to let continue to control your life.