Eating Disorder Support Thread: Recovery in Numbers (2nd Edition)

[benchtochest]

Im pretty sure I have a binging problem. Its as if the switch is either on or off. When I have my weekly cheat meal I start with a couple cookies and end up eating anywhere from 2500 to 6500 cals in on sitting. I usually eat the food fast as **** too sometimes I can take like 15 minutes to indulge 5000 calories.

How can I deal with this, any tips?

[ibrahimibby]

Hi All

I'm a long time learker on this topic, I've decided to take the plunge to post about my issuies. I have had a ed (aneroxia) for 15 years, and started lifting a week ago. I have stopped counting calories, though also suffer from high anxiety also. I have seen a physiologist for 6 years, and I'm 5'7 and about 54-55 kg's (male also). On my 'cut' days I flog myself by riding my bike, while on my 'bulk/gain' days in the gym I only do gym work (weights) and am alright. I know I'm not alright mentally, but I know I have a distorted body image in what I should look like, and am trying to address this with my psy. Any help you can provide me is greatlly appreciated. I do have some hobbies out side of work and body building and that is anime and role playing. When I role play on tuesdays and wednesday nights I'm scared to eat in front of everyone, due to having not done it in the past.

[determined4000]

You are still underweight and should not be limiting calories with "cut days"
If you want to lift weights and have muscle, you can't eat so little and do excessive cardio
Clearly you have been dealing with this for a long time and I doubt it has brought any happiness.
SO make the decision to live a real life and make the changes you need to live THAT life.

[ErikTheElectric]

^ Personally, I believe that if you've been suffering from an Eating Disorder for 15 years. You need to throw out the concept of "cut days" and "bulk days". Clearly what you're doing is counter-intuitive.

I would suggest:

- Sitting down and asking yourself if you're living the life that you truly want to live.
- You clearly have an obsession with fitness, is this "obsession" conducive to your external goals?
- Are you doing all you can for yourself?

[deadliftbrah19]

@benchtochest I found that the concept of weekly cheat meals did not work for me.

I instead worked with a nutritionist on how to add in "cheats" into my every day diet.

The concept of a weekly cheat meal led to a huge binge which created a lot of distress physically and mentally. I don't think it's a healthy concept even though I know the physiology behind it. It just doesn't work for someone with an ED or disordered eating.

[latex55]

hi everyone, first time posting on the recovery forum. here is my story and dilemma

im 5'10, 160 lbs and at my heaviest I was 220 and started eating right and working out 5 days a week. well about a year ago I started working out 6 days a week and now I cant take a day off. I feel depressed or lost if I take a day off so I work out 7 days a week and that includes lifting 3 days, insanity 2 days and cardio all 7. sometimes I run 8-9 miles at a time even on top of insanity

I cant get it out of my head that if I miss a workout I will gain weight. I travel a lot for work and sometimes will eat a nice heavy meal and if I do I punish myself in the gym the next day and feel that I have to burn every calorie I consumed the night before.

its now made my life a hell because I change my plans or let it ruin my personal life. for instance my wife said some friends are coming over Saturday and wanted to bring pizza but I made up an excuse and started a fight because I don't want pizza because in my head eating the pizza will make me gain weight and make me depressed.

I cant enjoy nice meals or the occasional treat. I eat right about 80-90% of the time and like I said work out 7 days a week. my body is so weak sometimes that I struggle getting out of bed or even making it up the stairs but I still go to the gym because im afraid of getting fat again.

any feedback is appreciated .

[XCRunner9]

@ibrahimibby

You're underweight and you are still recovering. You shouldn't even be thinking of staying lean during a bulk (which I'm assuming you're trying to by having the concept of "cut" days.) If you want to gain muscle and feel stronger and enhance your life each day, you have to eat more and get out of your comfort zone if you want to get stronger. There is no point in lifting if you aren't going to take the initiative and do what it takes to get stronger because all this is going to do is feed on your E.D. thoughts which I know that's not the reason why you started lifting in the first place. If you want to enhance not only your physical being, but also your relationships with other people and attain goals that you want to be proud of, then take the initiative to eat more because obviously what you've been doing hasn't been helping or you wouldn't be posting here in the first place.

[Beerandon]

i posted this in the main forum,but Erik recommended I post this here:

I was never happy with the way i looked. I started years ago at 215 lbs. Wanted to lose weight for my girl whom I was in love with so I felt good enough for her. I lost 40 lbs during a month long tour with my then- band, crash dieting, running until I was half passed out every night after playing exhausting shows, eating barely any food. Came back a different person, unhealthily thinner. Lost that connection with my girl because I "wasn't the same person". I thought we were going to get married!

I ended up at an all time low of about 110lbs, After a few years. I had literally no fat and no muscle. Veins poking out of every part of my body, and it still wasn't enough. I could barely walk up stairs, I couldn't do any physical work, couldn't run, couldn't hang out with friends, abandoned the band i was passionate about, absolutely miserable. I wore a boys size 16 pants (I'm 25). I bought drugs meant for cattle because I was always chasing a lower weight. Craziest part? I thought I was fat.

It was then my body gave up on me, and I started binging. Awful episodes of frantic eating anything in sight, not even things that I liked , literally anything. The guilt I felt after was unbearable. I'd starve myself the next day, only making the issue worse. The torment was so sickening, it is something I never want to experience again. But it happened over and over to my horror.

Fast forward to my grandma dying. I was very close to her and this was the last blow, I started looking for ways to painlessly die, I couldn't face myself or my life that I so royally screwed up. I finally hit rock bottom.

I don't know what snapped, but I awoke one morning with a sudden burning realization that I was destroying my life. People are sick and dying and all I cared about was food. Or lack thereof! Literally, my brain snapped out of it in an instant, and I began gaining weight and eating a lot of food.

A lot of food.

I'm physically stronger than I've ever been. My muscles are growing. I'm rebuilding relationships that I destroyed, I'm going to fall in love, I'm connecting with people around me. I am so far from recovered. But you know what?

I'm not giving up. My matter how much my body aches, how badly my legs are swollen after work, no matter how much I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. No matter how many times I have to give my clothes away because they are too small again. I will never slowly and purposefully die again. I am living my life again.

If I can, you can.

I'm here for anyone who needs me.
Brandon

[benchtochest]

@benchtochest I found that the concept of weekly cheat meals did not work for me.

I instead worked with a nutritionist on how to add in "cheats" into my every day diet.

The concept of a weekly cheat meal led to a huge binge which created a lot of distress physically and mentally. I don't think it's a healthy concept even though I know the physiology behind it. It just doesn't work for someone with an ED or disordered eating.

how do you incorporate the occasional junk food in your diet then? how did you avoid binging?

[muruku]

how do you incorporate the occasional junk food in your diet then? how did you avoid binging?

what worked for me;

1. Eating with friends and family
2. Avoiding trigger foods or do not even buy them
3. If you feel like you're losing control. Stop eating. Drink some water. Assess the situation. Will this bring you closer or further from your goals? Be present in the moment.

[determined4000]

@beeradon
thanks for your story and looking forward to your contributions

@benchtochest
stop labeling your food as junk or clean or whatever
Just fuel your body
Try to eat mindfully and ea a variety of foods
From veggies to meat to whatever else you desire
Everything in moderation

[fldhkybnva]

@StanPT

Again, it's inappropriate for you to post your diet and exercise plans here. You should re-read over this thread from the past few months. This is the same pattern over and over again, this is the disorder. The program focused on eating more and weigh ins is what you need. The more you continue to refuse to accept that the longer you will be stuck in this cycle. Ask yourself, why does it matter if you eat after 11pm? If you're not binging, what's the problem?

You may want to lose weight but you have an eating disorder and that is not the goal. You must first correct your psychiatric state of mind before you attempt to lose weight. With your stats, honestly you should gain weight and the areas you're concerned about are likely not that bad and it's part of dysmorphic thinking or you really need muscle mass but are so afraid to gain weight that you will continue this pattern and never actually be happy with your body.

You really should continue with the program that you have found, but that decision is up to you.

The ball is in your court. As my therapist used to say to me "do or do not there is no try."

[Mncdk]

@Stan
You shouldn't fix your nighttime eating, and then eat better during the day. Your night timeeating is the result of you not eating during the day.

Fix your daytime eating habits, and your nighttime cravings should diminish.

[fldhkybnva]

@Mncdk

He's heard this a thousand times, refuses to address the issue properly (eat more during the day to prevent nighttime eating)

[TroubledBadger]

Hey guys, I dunno why, but i'm amazed at how many of us seem to have almost exactly the same problems. When i read 2Ktrfg2's post it was so similar to what i'm going through.

So i just thought i'd share what's going on for me atm, as i've said before, i'm in therapy for an EDNOS (very similar to anorexia for me). So anyway, my therapist has told me to try and eat more of the foods that i have decided are 'healthy' or safe (for me that's porridge oats, among other things). This is meant to be in an attempt to break a cycle that can form when you have an eating disorder, you have bad thoughts about yourself, your body and perhaps just in a bad place in life. So what can happen (which has seemingly happened to me) is that because you lack control / happiness / success in one area of your life, you seek it in others. I can't control other people and their thoughts about me, i can't change how my face looks and i feel out of control at work etc. but i can control what i eat and what my body looks like (to an extent). I've achieved great success, i can see my abs, i've lost a load of weight, i'm much happier about taking my shirt off in public (which was a nightmare before). Great, right?

Now i can ease up and go back to more like how i used to eat... but maybe i'll get fat... then i won't look as good... i won't get a girlfriend... blah blah blah... maybe i should just keep doing what i'm doing, it's easier than going through the stress of changing again, surely.

What we've got to realise / keep on reminding ourselves is that we're clearly not happy with what and how we eat, otherwise we wouldn't be posting on this forum. We know it's not working, i feel like crap a lot of the time, i haven't felt any real sex drive in months, eating stresses the **** out of me and it's all i can think about, it's putting a lot of strain on my family and our relationships. I'm like this now, how bad will i be in 5 years? How unhappy?

I don't know if this is going to help anyone, but it feels therapeutic to me to even just write it. I wrote a list of the pros and cons of eating the way i do and it just seemed so ridiculous that i was doing all these things for so few pros and so many cons. Of course, i haven't actually cracked the ED at all yet, i'm really struggling, just wanted to put this out there.

[fldhkybnva]

@TroubledBadger

Push through, you will get there. It's a struggle and it's hard work but as someone sort of the other side now I know how you feel. Recovery is worth it in every single way. The fears you have are the disorder. The feeling of the freedom of not having an eating disorder control your life is indescribable.

[TroubledBadger]

Thanks fldhkybnva, one problem i'm having at the moment is that i seem to be eating more than other people (most of the time) yet still find myself feeling like crap. For example, my brother has 2 apples for lunch, less for breakfast than me and no other snacks before dinner (that i'm aware of)... yet i have a big breakfast, a decent lunch, snacks in the morning and afternoon and find myself still low energy etc. etc.

I do a lot more exercise than other members of my family, but i'm never convinced that it makes THAT much difference. I suppose i do restrict myself in the evening but often end up having a snack before bed in an attempt to make up for it a bit at least.

I really want to count calories but i know that in the end it won't really help.

[fldhkybnva]

@TroubledBadger

You are you, do not compare yourself especially to people without disordered eating. You are still thinking in terms of calories and exercise. You shouldn't be doing exercise necessarily to make a huge difference but because you enjoy it or because you think it's important for heart health. Nor should you compare what you eat to what your family members are eating. They are not trying to heal their bodies after an eating disorder. Yes, you are hungry and yes, you have low energy, that's part of recovery. Your body is trying to heal itself. Follow your path and don't compare yourself to others. Do not count calories and perhaps lower the exercise. You mentioned you're in therapy, does your therapist know that you're exercising?

[TroubledBadger]

Yeah my therapist knows I do quite a bit of exercise and we talked about making sure I don't do any more than I currently do.

I forgot I've been told off before in this thread for comparing myself to others, must remember that!

I'd like to know general opinion about this whole recovery from 'starvation' mode. I watched the video and read and talked to my therapist about the Minnesota trials and she was of the opinion that I am in starvation mode. I'm still not convinced, but I was wondering anyway how long does it take to get out of it? And any other thoughts people might have about the whole thing.

[ClaudiuB]

I started going to the gym, after a period in which I lost weight being bulimic. Now I am very very scared that I will get fat again, during bulking. I really like going to the gym nowadays, I have great friends that are very supportive and teach me a lot, so my question to you is did something like that happen to you guys? Will I look at for example 80 kgs, the same way I used to look before at 80 kgs? I now have 67ish kgs, at 1.85 m(male) I'm scared of the huge amount of calories that I must eat per day, and think that I will get super fat in no time due to probably my metabolism slowing down a lot.

[TroubledBadger]

I'm confused, why would your metabolism slow down a lot? Maybe don't go from normal eating to huge amounts of calories, try eating a bit extra and see how it feels to be 68kg, then 69kg?

[fldhkybnva]

@TroubledBadger

It varies. She's the expert, not you, listen to her.

[determined4000]

@ClaudiuB
You need to face your fear head on
It is an irrational fear. YOu will only see it is irrational by challenging the thoughts and seeing the results for yourself.

@TroubledBadger
-stop denying the results
clearly you need more food.
Who cares what others eat and how much? If you need to gain weight and eat X amount and X isn't enough, then you need to eat X+Y. Who cares if others eat X-y. THey are not you and you are not them. You are trying to find justification for not eating enough.

[shesprints]

Well, just to inject some hope in this thread:

Italy went better than I could've imagined. I felt fantastic (very free), ate what I wanted, trained hard but not to beat myself up (I also did random fun stuff like just diving into the pool for fun, which I used to do a lot as a kid). I listened to my hunger signals, ate almost all meals with other people, and went out for dinner almost every day. I ate roughly one dessert per day and paid attention to getting roughly the amount of servings of food I needed, but if I went over or under I didn't stress. I even went to a restaurant with an insane tasting menu of about 20 different things--no way to count that! And it was fine.

Then I came home... and went out for dinner with friends two nights in a row, right away.

And then I threw away my food scale.

I look better, feel better, am stronger, and am running faster than I EVER did when I tortured myself by ignoring my actual hunger signals and forcing myself to eat things I didn't like. I feel pretty hopeful right now. I really hope my example can help out other people... I'm just coming to find that the athletes I really admire are the ones who DON'T weigh all their food or spend hours tallying up calories. They listen to their bodies and train them so that they ask for the right foods at the right times, just like they train them so that they run the right speed for races or lift the heaviest weights or whatever. I just keep telling myself, my body is like an animal. If I want it to be well-trained, strong, lean, and healthy, I don't tie it up and beat it and starve it: I treat it rationally and with discipline, but GENTLY.

Good luck to everyone. Stay strong.

[TroubledBadger]

@shesprints That's awesome to hear, i'm really pleased for you

Maybe all i need is a holiday in Italy... anybody feeling very generous out there?

But really, congratulations and just make sure you keep it up!

[determined4000]

@shesprints
THrowing away the scale and not tracking and listening to your body and goals
TOLD YA SOOO

jk
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!

[Felipon]

I dont know if what I have is an actual eating disorder..but I feel as I have become obsessed with counting calories (not actually tracking but always estimating). I am not skinny at all, probably anywhere around 18%-22% and im trying to cut some weight but I feel as all I think about is eating and training and im not sure if this is a healthy approach to life. After I have a meal all I think about is the next meal ill have.

Im going to try to lose 2 pounds a month and just go real steady... can any one tell me if what i have/am doing is an eating disorder? Im scared that im developing an ED

[determined4000]

@felipon
I strongly suggest you talk with your parents and doctor ad considering seeing a pyschologist or therapist
EDs are nothing to joke around with. I can't tell you if you have one or not and no one else here can diagnose you.
However, I can say I wouldnt wish an ed on my worst enemy and if you think you may be headed down that path you should do everything and anything you can to make sure you never get one.

[jinkty]

It's easy to stack on 5kg
this fortnight has been terrible

[Felipon]

@felipon
I strongly suggest you talk with your parents and doctor ad considering seeing a pyschologist or therapist
EDs are nothing to joke around with. I can't tell you if you have one or not and no one else here can diagnose you.
However, I can say I wouldnt wish an ed on my worst enemy and if you think you may be headed down that path you should do everything and anything you can to make sure you never get one.

Thanks for the advice man.
The thing is I don't know if im overexagerating because over the last few days I have read a lot of ED stories and maybe I just got a bit scared.
Im just going to try to stay calm and slowly lose weight and avoid stressing out over food. Thanks again