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  1. #1
    Darth's younger brother Chadvader's Avatar
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    42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record.

    Wow, it's getting pretty bad out there.

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/42-...weekend,30517/


    NEW YORK—According to emergency personnel, early estimates indicate that more than 42 million Americans were killed this past weekend in what is now believed to be the bloodiest Black Friday shopping event in history.

    First responders reporting from retail stores all across the nation said the record-breaking post-Thanksgiving shopping spree carnage began as early as midnight on Friday, when 13 million shoppers were reportedly trampled, pummeled, burned, stabbed, shot, lanced, and brutally beaten to death while attempting to participate in early holiday sales events.

    Law enforcement officials said the bloodbath only escalated throughout the weekend as hordes of savage holiday shoppers began murdering customers at Wal-Mart, Sears, and JCPenney locations nationwide, leaving piles of dismembered and mutilated corpses in their wake.

    “The level of bloodshed this year was almost beyond imagination—no prior Black Friday could have prepared us for this,” said National Guard commander Frank Grass, talking to reporters in front of the still-smoldering remains of a local Best Buy that was burned to the ground Saturday. “We had fire trucks, police cruisers, and guardsmen stationed at multiple locations, but it was useless. At the moment, hundreds of thousands of American shoppers are still unaccounted for, and we expect $2 billion in damage has been wrought upon our cities. ”

    “The stench of death is unbearable,” a tearful Grass added. “Simply unbearable.”

    As the weekend of sales drew to a close, ambulances could be seen circling the now empty and completely ravaged shopping complexes as they searched for signs of life, while clean-up crews worked to clear the rubble, overturned cars, and large pools of blood from local Kohl’s and Macy’s parking lots.

    The White House issued an official response, stating, “We mourn the deaths of those 42 million American shoppers who tragically lost their lives this Black Friday.”

    Survivors of the deadly holiday sales event said that while the weekend began as a chance to “get in on some unbeatable post-Thanksgiving deals,” it quickly escalated into a merciless, no-hold-barred fight to the death.

    “At some point in time we all stopped caring about the deals and the holiday shopping and were pretty much just out for blood,” said Dana Marshall, 37, a Target shopper who suffered seven broken ribs and a cracked sternum while fighting two other customers for a discounted Nikon digital camera. “I remember just sitting on top of a woman and smacking her head with a DVD player until her face was completely unrecognizable. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

    The Onion will continue to publish a running list of the Black Friday dead throughout the week.
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  2. #2
    Ace ACEthetics's Avatar
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    I'm glad we have the onion, an honest news media Source unlike fox news, which just sweeped this under the rug.
    Waikīkī, Hawai'i. I live where you vacation.

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  3. #3
    Registered User guffstar's Avatar
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  4. #4
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    the onion....

    not sure if srs
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  5. #5
    Darth's younger brother Chadvader's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ACEthetics View Post
    I'm glad we have the onion, an honest news media Source unlike fox news, which just sweeped this under the rug.
    Was thinking the same thing. About time the truth about things started to come out.
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  6. #6
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    Only in America
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  7. #7
    Darth's younger brother Chadvader's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by unsurelifter View Post
    only in america
    usa usa usa
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  8. #8
    Registered User TheDamned's Avatar
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    This was an interesting read!
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  9. #9
    Former Fat / **** slayer Madshald's Avatar
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    “At some point in time we all stopped caring about the deals and the holiday shopping and were pretty much just out for blood,” said Dana Marshall, 37, a Target shopper who suffered seven broken ribs and a cracked sternum while fighting two other customers for a discounted Nikon digital camera. “I remember just sitting on top of a woman and smacking her head with a DVD player until her face was completely unrecognizable. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

    lol
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  10. #10
    Witch King Genetics SkinnyAlex's Avatar
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    next year ima go just to grab the shyt everyone wants and then toss it in the air in a random direction and then watch em all run lol
    Occasional troll.

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  11. #11
    Darth's younger brother Chadvader's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Madshald View Post
    “At some point in time we all stopped caring about the deals and the holiday shopping and were pretty much just out for blood,” said Dana Marshall, 37, a Target shopper who suffered seven broken ribs and a cracked sternum while fighting two other customers for a discounted Nikon digital camera. “I remember just sitting on top of a woman and smacking her head with a DVD player until her face was completely unrecognizable. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

    lol
    Sounds like our good friend Patrick Bateman!
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  12. #12
    Darth's younger brother Chadvader's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SkinnyAlex View Post
    next year ima go just to grab the shyt everyone wants and then toss it in the air in a random direction and then watch em all run lol
    Catch It And You Keep It.

    Last edited by Chadvader; 11-26-2012 at 06:32 PM.
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  13. #13
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    source: the onion
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  14. #14
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    Originally Posted by Chadvader View Post
    ...
    link dont work
    Occasional troll.

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  15. #15
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    Lmaooooo
    Aware
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  16. #16
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    I remember when The Onion used to be funny
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  17. #17
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    Originally Posted by whyubertstare View Post
    I remember when The Onion used to be funny

    this


    schtick gets old, its not their material, you just get used to it
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  18. #18
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    its fake u phaggots
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  19. #19
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    Originally Posted by workout4ever View Post
    its fake u phaggots
    not sure if srs, proof? Start a new thread, you may be on to something.
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  20. #20
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    fake..thats 13% of population
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  21. #21
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    Originally Posted by SkinnyAlex View Post
    link dont work
    Fixed:


    Catch It And You Keep It.

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  22. #22
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    Have to call fake, No (srs) tag
    Quebec Crew
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  23. #23
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    so there's about 270 million American's left in the U.S?
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    Darth's younger brother Chadvader's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Workout4ever View Post
    its fake u phaggots
    From the Article:
    The White House issued an official response, stating, “We mourn the deaths of those 42 million American shoppers who tragically lost their lives this Black Friday.”

    What more proof than this could you possible want? Lol. Everything out of The White House is true, or didn't you know that?
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  25. #25
    Darth's younger brother Chadvader's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by zzFarid View Post
    so there's about 270 million American's left in the U.S?
    Seems so.
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  26. #26
    Banned MrCL63's Avatar
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    absolutely sickening. shame that corporate news is hiding this from the public.
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    Registered User NKC's Avatar
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    Dat feel when you're not sure if people are just trolling or if they are legit unaware.
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    Originally Posted by MrCL63 View Post
    absolutely sickening. shame that corporate news is hiding this from the public.
    Let me explain to you how this works: you see, the corporations finance Team America, and then Team America goes out... and the corporations sit there in their... in their corporation buildings, and... and, and see, they're all corporation-y... and they make money.
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    Bloodshed of peace.
    "If you cant slam with the best, Jam with the rest."

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  30. #30
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    Originally Posted by NKC View Post
    Dat feel when you're not sure if people are just trolling or if they are legit unaware.
    i think people are just truly unaware. however, i dont blame them. its corporate america that hides this from the mass public. disgusting
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