Why does my family always come to me? (13 year old nephew announced he is gay)

[bodyhard]

My family always come to me when there is a problem, we are very large family (7 brothers 6 sisters) and I am the baby of the bunch.

When my mother and father were ill, they came to me for directions from talking to the doctors to making all the final arrangements. That sh!t was mad hard on me.

When there is some kind of beef, they look to me to "handle" the problem. Several times I landed in a precinct or worse, for doing so.

When they need financial help they turn to me.

The list goes on and on..

This week my 13 year old nephew just announced he is gay, his brother 30 (my god son) has disowned him, even cancelled Thanksgiving dinner in his house because he doesn't want his "f@99ot" brother there.

So now my sister (their mother) just called me and she wants me to do two things, 1) Talk to Macho (my God son) and explain to him how hurt his little brother is and to somehow "convince" him to accept his little brother. 2) Talk to Emilio (the younger brother) and let him know that I am OK with him coming out. Apparently Emilio is more concern on how "Uncle Johnny" is going to hate him more than anything else.

Here is the thing, I don't want any part of this sh!t, I am just so f'cking tired of always being the one to "fix" things...

Am I wrong to just feel, drained?

[cowboybiker]

Its cause you're a stand up guy with leadership capabilities.

If you dont like being Alpha, theres always room for another beta somewhere.

But you will be missed.

[paolo59]

You are evidently the 'go-to man' in your family. Someone always is! And no, it's not wrong to feel drained. But that doesn't make it any easier. I hate family drama. I hate drama anywhere!

[bodyhard]

Its cause you're a stand up guy with leadership capabilities.

If you dont like being Alpha, theres always room for another beta somewhere.

But you will be missed.

You know Steve in all honesty I don't mind helping my family, I love them to death and we are close.

But I am just feeling drained, it is one call after the other. When my family learned that Patty and I are moving to VA, they are trying their best to convince me to stay, with the exception of my brother Ric who lives there.

[dbx]

Am I wrong to just feel, drained?

You can never be wrong about how you feel.

I have the exact same feelings and go through many of the same things. From family members to close friends (or even casual acquaintances), I sometimes let it suck the life out of me, but.....I keep doing it. Someone has to, so feel proud that you're one that is seen as "someone to come to."

[bodyhard]

You are evidently the 'go-to man' in your family. Someone always is! And no, it's not wrong to feel drained. But that doesn't make it any easier. I hate family drama. I hate drama anywhere!

You know it is not so much drama, just the sense of urgency everyone put son me regardless of how minor or major the issue/problem is.

You can never be wrong about how you feel.

I have the exact same feelings and go through many of the same things. From family members to close friends (or even casual acquaintances), I sometimes let it suck the life out of me, but.....I keep doing it. Someone has to, so feel proud that you're one that is seen as "someone to come to."

Understood, but also don't you feel obligated to do so now? I mean after doing it for so long, it is like your "duty" to do so and if you don't, it is like you are the bad guy, because it is "expected" of you.

[Energyy]

dude normally I would say just explain to them that you do not want to become involved but when you're talking about somebody so young taking such a big step in their life (coming out at 13 is a big deal...) I would suggest you reconsider not helping. He clearly cares about your opinion and if you decide to turn your back on this he may see it as you simply also disowning him like his brother. He needs support right now and if you can help, why wouldnt you? I understand you dont want to be the person to always fix things but firstly, I see that as a compliment, they can rely on you and they know tht. and secondly, its one thing to not fix small problems, but this is a large one.

goodluck op.

[cowboybiker]

You know Steve in all honesty I don't mind helping my family, I love them to death and we are close.

But I am just feeling drained, it is one call after the other. When my family learned that Patty and I are moving to VA, they are trying their best to convince me to stay, with the exception of my brother Ric who lives there.

They've been relying on you for a long time.
It will do them good to work it out themselves.

But dont be suprised that you get calls from time to time.
I know its not easy, but you've always been there and I tend to believe that you like some of the confrontation. just not all

They will adapt

And its Ok to say NO once in awhile

[x-trainer ben]

I am that guy for my family also, with that said every one knows who the "sensible one is" or the "go to", or the "strong one" so they use that person accordingly. Drained, hell yeah!!!! at times, but the alternative is usually worse so i give in.

[bodyhard]

dude normally I would say just explain to them that you do not want to become involved but when you're talking about somebody so young taking such a big step in their life (coming out at 13 is a big deal...) I would suggest you reconsider not helping. He clearly cares about your opinion and if you decide to turn your back on this he may see it as you simply also disowning him like his brother. He needs support right now and if you can help, why wouldnt you? I understand you dont want to be the person to always fix things but firstly, I see that as a compliment, they can rely on you and they know tht. and secondly, its one thing to not fix small problems, but this is a large one.

goodluck op.

Clearly I see the logic behind this, but he has 3 sisters, a mother and his father plus all his uncles and aunts.

I am not trying to make light of the situation, but I am just drained. Who knows maybe with all the sh!t that is happening now with Sandy and her calling me now, it just seems like the last thing I want to take on right now.

[pharmamarketer]

I know the feeling BH. I am the go to on my side. I say embrace it. Yes, it is ok to feel drained but you were given that responsibility by "someone". Take it on but put boundaries on it and manage it better. That part is on you. I have gotten my brother involved at times.

I am not dismissing you being drained just bringing the important role you have in your family to the forefront. Something you should be proud of. Again, try and come up with a plan to manage it a little better

[Corbi]

I was in that role as well for quite sometime and it does get a bit old after awhile. Then moved 140 miles north and it all pretty much stopped, life is so much better now.

[freebirdmac]

John, I get that you are drained and you do need to start picking which family dramas to get involved in. But this is one drama that does really need to be nipped in the bud. If you step in, yet again, set everyone straight now, it could forestall a situation that gets so bad that it can't be fixed. Let the other, more minor dramas go to others. Be like the supreme court. Pick which cases are worthy of your involvement.

[DocHoss]

You have a long, strong marriage. You have a successful career. Your family sees you as stable and mature, as capable and competent, even if you don't always feel that way yourself. You're the strong one they lean on (and looking the part may or may not contribute to it). That doesn't make it easier.

As for your nephew, if you love him, reach out to him, no matter how hard it is for you right now. It's tough being a teen. Being a gay teen is even tougher. He's been disowned by his big brother and he clearly looks up to you. Teen-aged boys already have a higher suicide rate, and gay teens even more so. You've made your opinion of gay people clear more than once here, but for his sake you need to put that aside. Even if all you can tell him is that it will take time for you to accept or understand, but that you still love him. It could save his life. Seriously.

[dbx]

Understood, but also don't you feel obligated to do so now? I mean after doing it for so long, it is like your "duty" to do so and if you don't, it is like you are the bad guy, because it is "expected" of you.

Yes, I always feel obligated and sometimes resent that, but as the years pass by I've learned that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Whatever the current storm is....it will pass. Jump in....do your thing...and let the fallout begin...and end. My biggest concern, concerning you, is your open hatred toward gays, and how this might affect your intervening in this case. But wait....actually, I think I know you to be better than some of what you post on this site in that regard, so I'm confident this will end well .

Me? I know that I would unconditionally love and support any family member who "came out". Personal choices of life partners is the least of my concerns. Is he a "good kid"? Does he have integrity? Etc.... The rest is not important. I would only add that, at 13yrs of age, he might not even know what he's doing/confessing to. His hormones are raging and maybe he's confused. Tell your family members to let it play out. Truly, nobody has a choice not to let it play out, anyway.

[bodyhard]

My apologies guys was told a gas station was open and only 20 cars line up, when I got there, there had to be 100 f'cking cars!

Doc, I hear ya man and I am pretty sure that over the years Emilio has heard me make statements/joke about gay people and he is more than likely wondering how I am looking at him now.

The truth is I don't care either way, that is his life and I am will love him either way.

Will I be able to accept his new behavior? As I told my wife Patty, that all depends, if he is gay and acts normal that will be easy, if he is one of those gay guys who are very flamboyant, it will be very difficult for me. If he was like that to begin with it would have been easier but for him to go from one extreme to the next, I will be honest, that wont be so easy on me at all. In his ******** he has two pictures of himself one dress like he always used to dress and now a second pic stating "the new me" he has lip gloss on, his lips puckered up and wearing what appears to be some kind of a sweater blouse.

Anyway, the thing is his mother looking for me to be the one to make his brother Macho accept his little brother. How the f'ck do I do that? That in itself will be a challenge

[dbx]

Anyway, the thing is his mother looking for me to be the one to make his brother Macho accept his little brother. How the f'ck do I do that? That in itself will be a challenge

You really can't make anyone else accept something, but you can try your best to make him think. That's it. Shoot your best shot....and then shoot some more .

[bodyhard]

Yes, I always feel obligated and sometimes resent that, but as the years pass by I've learned that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Whatever the current storm is....it will pass. Jump in....do your thing...and let the fallout begin...and end. My biggest concern, concerning you, is your open hatred toward gays, and how this might affect your intervening in this case. But wait....actually, I think I know you to be better than some of what you post on this site in that regard, so I'm confident this will end well .

Me? I know that I would unconditionally love and support any family member who "came out". Personal choices of life partners is the least of my concerns. Is he a "good kid"? Does he have integrity? Etc.... The rest is not important. I would only add that, at 13yrs of age, he might not even know what he's doing/confessing to. His hormones are raging and maybe he's confused. Tell your family members to let it play out. Truly, nobody has a choice not to let it play out, anyway.

He is a good kid, a little weird, long hair always over his eyes, to himself, mostly riding a skateboard. His other cousins, close in age, always f'ck with him because he was "different" but not gay. At least no one knew till now.

He is good in school, very respectful to his parents. Doesn't really look up to his older (and only brother Macho) because Macho "runs" the streets, (I know you know what I mean by that) and he is totally against that, but still loves his brother regardless.

[latebloomingmom]

You really can't make anyone else accept something, but you can try your best to make him think. That's it. Shoot your best shot....and then shoot some more .

right..just lay it all out on the table. be the reminder that little brother is many things..has many admirable and loving qualities. Big brother is not judged solely on his being a heterosexual, this is only a part of who he is but does not define him as a man. well? is it not the same also for little brother?





13 years old...Good Lord I did not even let my son date til he could drive a car.

[bodyhard]

You really can't make anyone else accept something, but you can try your best to make him think. That's it. Shoot your best shot....and then shoot some more .

Yeah the problem with that Kevin is, Macho is straight up hood. Mentality? street thug for life so I know he is more concern with "his" image, having a gay brother more than anything else.

[Frnkd]

I know this role. You make decisive rational decisions on the fly or shooting from the hip, but not without it based on your internal gut feelings and personal experiences. Self taught, you have fumbled and made the mistakes others want to avoid, and they see your success and life exemplifying this. You prbly dominate conversations in family gatherings or the go to guy if opinions between two family members differ. You make it known that you got people's backs.
Tough love, sincere, and compassionate. Reliable, resilient, and strong. Emotional, obstinate, and driven. That's why you're the chosen one.

It is extremely draining when multiple crisis exists, priority? For me Family first, job, than community(friends).

[dbx]

He is a good kid, a little weird, long hair always over his eyes, to himself, mostly riding a skateboard. His other cousins, close in age, always f'ck with him because he was "different" but not gay. At least no one knew till now.

He is good in school, very respectful to his parents. Doesn't really look up to his older (and only brother Macho) because Macho "runs" the streets, (I know you know what I mean by that) and he is totally against that, but still loves his brother regardless.

Sounds like a good kid. And yes, I know what you mean....and this might not end as well as I thought it might, lol. Too bad, but it's probably going to take a minute for him to accept....but he will in the end. I guarantee it. It's his own insecurity that is the barrier here...and he will almost certainly overcome it...in time.

Yeah the problem with that Kevin is, Macho is straight up hood. Mentality? street thug for life so I know he is more concern with "his" image, having a gay brother more than anything else.

He'll grow up....eventually. But yeah, it's a no-win situation for YOU right now. Only time will solve this current issue.

[mslman71]

Left field question, but do you think he's really gay? Anything else about his life or situation that would make him want to drop a big shocker for attention?

[SP1966]

Here is the thing, I don't want any part of this sh!t, I am just so f'cking tired of always being the one to "fix" things...

If something can be fixed with a tire iron, a hand full of quarters, or raised blood pressure go to John. Otherwise I'm not sure WTF they're thinking.

[bodyhard]

I know this role. You make decisive rational decisions on the fly or shooting from the hip, but not without it based on your internal gut feelings and personal experiences. Self taught, you have fumbled and made the mistakes others want to avoid, and they see your success and life exemplifying this. You prbly dominate conversations in family gatherings or the go to guy if opinions between two family members differ. You make it known that you got people's backs.
Tough love, sincere, and compassionate. Reliable, resilient, and strong. Emotional, obstinate, and driven. That's why you're the chosen one.

It is extremely draining when multiple crisis exists, priority? For me Family first, job, than community(friends).

Hmm sound like you go through this as well huh? You hit the nail on the head with your statement.

Sounds like a good kid. And yes, I know what you mean....and this might not end as well as I thought it might, lol. Too bad, but it's probably going to take a minute for him to accept....but he will in the end. I guarantee it. It's his own insecurity that is the barrier here...and he will almost certainly overcome it...in time.



He'll grow up....eventually. But yeah, it's a no-win situation for YOU right now. Only time will solve this current issue.

Yeah, this is what I am thinking time will tell, but faimly is thinking otherwise and looking towards me to "rectify" the situation now,,

I doubt Macho will ever grow up, look at me with the fighting

Left field question, but do you think he's really gay? Anything else about his life or situation that would make him want to drop a big shocker for attention?

Well according to his mom, he has known for a while, he was always wondering why he found boys attractive and not girls. He was questioning himself. I doubt he is looking for this kind of attention because quiet frankly here in the Bronx he is going to have a really hard life moving forward.

[Keltron]

Clearly I see the logic behind this, but he has 3 sisters, a mother and his father plus all his uncles and aunts.

It seems like there are situations where only you can help. Then there are other situations where they go to you simply because they feel you'd be best at it but there are other people that can help. They just go to you by default because they've become used to it. I think this situation is one of those.

If you're the only one that can help then do it but if other family members can help just as or almost as well, it's ok to pass up on it. Especially when it takes a toll on YOU.

Plus I think it's wrong for them to ask you to say something you don't truly believe. I know you don't like gay people and I don't agree w/you on that but I don't think anyone should ask you to lie and pretend you think it's OK.

[mslman71]

Well according to his mom, he has known for a while, he was always wondering why he found boys attractive and not girls. He was questioning himself. I doubt he is looking for this kind of attention because quiet frankly here in the Bronx he is going to have a really hard life moving forward.

Okay, fair enough. 13 year olds don't always make the smartest decisions to get attention, and generally the more shocking the action the more attention they get. But, if he's been that way and it's not out of nowhere then that sounds like who he is.

[dbx]

I know you don't like gay people and I don't agree w/you on that but I don't think anyone should ask you to lie and pretend you think it's OK.

When it comes to family, almost everyone changes their stance on the "acceptance" factor, and I believe that John, is no different. I don't know of a single family member of mine that is gay, but I can tell you this; If there was/is, know that I would not love them any less.

[Keltron]

When it comes to family, almost everyone changes their stance on the "acceptance" factor, and I believe that John, is no different. I don't know of a single family member of mine that is gay, but I can tell you this; If there was/is, know that I would not love them any less.

I agree and I don't think BH loves his nephew any less but if I'm not mistaken, his sister is asking him to say things that he doesnt fully agree with at the moment.

[dbx]

I agree and I don't think BH loves his nephew any less but if I'm not mistaken, his sister is asking him to say things that he doesnt fully agree with at the moment.

You simply don't know John