The No Contact Thread

[turbodiesel_kai]

Was going good until last night.. Alright so obviously she broke up with me. Her reasoning was that she didn't see it going anywhere in the future and that she had to try pretty hard to be happy with me. HUGE self esteem blow. Anyway i told her i loved her but to never talk to me again because she literally broke my heart. It's awful. I could go on for a while about how i feel about her but it doesn't serve any purpose to this lol. But so i was fine, every once in a while i would think of her but id just push her out of my mind right away. She texted me last tonight because she still has my insanity and it eventually turned into her asking if i hate her. I told her no but that i won't go back to her ever because like i said she broke my heart and made me feel like ****. Told her to move on and that eventually it'd just be a memory. I told her about me leaving in the fall and all that good stuff. She then called me balling her eyes out because she regretted saying those things to me and ending it. She said she was just upset at the time but that she just cries all day everyday. She said she doesn't want me to be a memory and that i was her best friend and that that's what it feels like. Losing a best friend. Keep in mind I'm the only one who told her she should follow what she wants in life and was the only one who supported her. I mean the only one. Her parents told her she was making a mistake and all that and i told her if it is what she wants i would make sure she could do it. I'm torn on how to feel right now. I want to move on but I'm scared it'll be the biggest mistake I'll ever make. The way she sounded and the way she just cried and cried really broke my heart. I was doing fine until last night and now I'm all confused.

is that the only reason you broke up? because she wasn't sure what she wanted? if so, it sounds like she realzied what she wants and it's you bro. if she's mature enough to have put in the thought and to figure out what she wanted, and now she knows, maybe you should give her a chance. I think that's what 99% of us in here dreamed of but it typically doesn't happen.
If that is the only reason you broke up, you might consider having a sit down talk and see where you each stand face to face.

[135er]

Honestly all you NC brahs should delete ********. Its much easier and probably the best thing i have ever done. Try it haha

[KyleMQuinn]

is that the only reason you broke up? because she wasn't sure what she wanted? if so, it sounds like she realzied what she wants and it's you bro. if she's mature enough to have put in the thought and to figure out what she wanted, and now she knows, maybe you should give her a chance. I think that's what 99% of us in here dreamed of but it typically doesn't happen.
If that is the only reason you broke up, you might consider having a sit down talk and see where you each stand face to face.

I plan on talking to her about it because I do love her and she does love me but we have had our problems. Her friends are all whores and therefore i dislike them greatly. She doesn't respect her mother because her mother is a house wife and in my exs eyes house wives don't deserve respect. She calls me immature but she's the one who ignores me if i piss her off. Maybe I'm the problem.

[turbodiesel_kai]

I plan on talking to her about it because I do love her and she does love me but we have had our problems. Her friends are all whores and therefore i dislike them greatly. She doesn't respect her mother because her mother is a house wife and in my exs eyes house wives don't deserve respect. She calls me immature but she's the one who ignores me if i piss her off. Maybe I'm the problem.

How old is she? Honestly it just sounds like you guys are young and this is just typical of relationships at your age. mostly stupid **** that is meaningless but seems like a big deal at the time.
Depends on how much both of you want to work on it. You may get another 3 months or 3 years out of it, who knows. As long as you're prepared for it to not work out, give it a shot. you don't want to look back and wish you had given it 100%.

[KyleMQuinn]

How old is she? Honestly it just sounds like you guys are young and this is just typical of relationships at your age. mostly stupid **** that is meaningless but seems like a big deal at the time.
Depends on how much both of you want to work on it. You may get another 3 months or 3 years out of it, who knows. As long as you're prepared for it to not work out, give it a shot. you don't want to look back and wish you had given it 100%.

She's just 19. Birthday is late October but yeah that's what I told her! I don't know but I would like to know I gave her 100% and that I didn't prematurely end something which could be great. We will find out when I go away to college in the Fall I guess

[fred04a4]

She's just 19. Birthday is late October but yeah that's what I told her! I don't know but I would like to know I gave her 100% and that I didn't prematurely end something which could be great. We will find out when I go away to college in the Fall I guess

I hope the best for you KMQ, Im still wish I had done more for my relationship to work, but Im not getting that second chance I so wanted. That feel is terrible, still having dreams and feelings, its pretty hard to move on.

[KyleMQuinn]

I hope the best for you KMQ, Im still wish I had done more for my relationship to work, but Im not getting that second chance I so wanted. That feel is terrible, still having dreams and feelings, its pretty hard to move on.

I can already tell it's going to not work :/ she asked if i would disapprove of her working at Hooters and theres no way i would be okay with that. She also started bitching about NYE plans. *sigh*

[cnatboy]

I can already tell it's going to not work :/ she asked if i would disapprove of her working at Hooters and theres no way i would be okay with that. She also started bitching about NYE plans. *sigh*

Generally once it ends, it's ruined. The only way I've seen/heard of it working out after that is by some off chance a couple reconnects at a later point in their lives (year(s) down the road). This is of course after both people have already fully moved on from each other and decide to revisit things, but it's not something you should bank on or plan/wait for. Whatever happens, happens, but for now it's prolly best you move forward if things are off, otherwise you may be setting yourself up for multiple failures which cause additional unnecessary pain.

[KyleMQuinn]

Generally once it ends, it's ruined. The only way I've seen/heard of it working out after that is by some off chance a couple reconnects at a later point in their lives (year(s) down the road).

I asked her to be friends for this reason but she wasn't having any part of that

[cnatboy]

Jesus christ, the dreams are absolutely killing me.

I don't get why they stopped for 1.5 months and now all of a sudden start up again.Probably had 5 or so in the past week.

fuk.

Have gone through the same brah, they come and go in waves. I'll go a full month with no dreams, and then have a random one. Once I have one it gets the ball rolling and I have dreams for a week straight, it sucks and makes you wake up in a bad mood every day.

Just gotta hang tough and realize this is just another wave of dreams, and they will come fewer and farther in between the more you get through them without back tracking. Very nonlinear, but the average over time definitely improves.

[cnatboy]

I asked her to be friends for this reason but she wasn't having any part of that

If you really do love someone it's impossible to be friends with them without getting hurt. Can you really be her friend while she's getting plowed out by another dude, and just smile and be nice/friendly about it? How about when she gets into another relationship?

If the answer to either of those is no then friendship is a bad route to take... Totally understand your desire to keep in touch and all that, she was an important part of your life. However, you have to do what's best for you, and I doubt you can move on and get over her while keeping in close contact and being friends.

[KyleMQuinn]

If you really do love someone it's impossible to be friends with them without getting hurt. Can you really be her friend while she's getting plowed out by another dude, and just smile and be nice/friendly about it? How about when she gets into another relationship?

If the answer to either of those is no then friendship is a bad route to take... Totally understand your desire to keep in touch and all that, she was an important part of your life. However, you have to do what's best for you, and I doubt you can move on and get over her while keeping in close contact and being friends.

This is true. Not a fuarking chance I'd be okay with that. I wish she had never called me

[cnatboy]

This is true. Not a fuarking chance I'd be okay with that. I wish she had never called me

I think the key is to realize that at this point there's no turning back... Once you do that, you can connect the fact that no good will come of picking up when she calls, or responding when she texts, because it can't be fixed right now. All that responding or talking will do is set you back, as it has, because she will leave you breadcrumbs, use the conversation to validate herself and help her along as she moves on.

I guarantee you that you will hear from this girl again, it is up to you how to handle it and whether or not you respond. When you think about it logically I think you'll realize that the best thing you can do is to sever all ties and rip it off like a band-aid, rather than going through a long slow painful process of disconnection. At the end of the day it's up to you, but ask yourself what good could possibly come of talking to her at this point, when there's no turning back.

[D355]

Text #3 from ex since 8 months no contact. Text #1 and #2 (a couple weeks ago) were old inside jokes along with this and that 'reminded me of you'. #3 is more old inside jokes.

Don't know what to do and pretty soon a run-in will be highly possible every single day when we're both back on campus together.

[CeBKa]

**** i felt like **** today but didn't text her, worst day ever since breakup... can't find sleep neither.

[fretslayer]

This is true. Not a fuarking chance I'd be okay with that. I wish she had never called me

Just read your situation, and like others have said I'd cut it off and let go. At 19, you are NOT ready to settle down or have a firm grasp on what you want and who you are. So much growing up will happen for both of you over the next several years. The Hooters convo is a perfect example of the kind of BS you'll have served up on the reg if you stick around. Just wait until she hits the bar scene at 21, and wants to start going out more often, no thanks Jeff.

[KyleMQuinn]

We talked it out sort of and started talking about normal stuff. I started feeling trapped into something i didn't really want (like we were talking again) so i took that as a hint to move on. I explained my situation and my feelings and told her how i felt about her so there's nothing more i can do. I just hope i didn't mess up

[btownreppin]

texted ex asking what she was doing. got an answer right away and I didn't reply back. this **** is chess, it aint checkers. Tryin to set myself up for something in the future.

[turbodiesel_kai]

We talked it out sort of and started talking about normal stuff. I started feeling trapped into something i didn't really want (like we were talking again) so i took that as a hint to move on. I explained my situation and my feelings and told her how i felt about her so there's nothing more i can do. I just hope i didn't mess up

You're doing the right thing. My ex kind of trapped me for a little bit a couple weeks ago, but the I reliazed it was just her game because the next day she went right back to her bf. I thought maybe she was regretting leavingme but.... No. So it's back to nc unless we have to talk at work.

[MonsterJAF]

Went to an amateur hockey game today with my buds. Was a weird feel, my ex and I use to have season tickets for the buffalo sabres and would go to every game. So many emotions rushed through my head. To make it weirder, our tickets were so close to our old season ticket seats. Kind of a downer but hey, I'm still here and got through it. Trying to stay optimistic but it's tough for sure.

[turbodiesel_kai]

Went to an amateur hockey game today with my buds. Was a weird feel, my ex and I use to have season tickets for the buffalo sabres and would go to every game. So many emotions rushed through my head. To make it weirder, our tickets were so close to our old season ticket seats. Kind of a downer but hey, I'm still here and got through it. Trying to stay optimistic but it's tough for sure.

Yeah the reminders of things you did as a coulple are weird and kind of annoying. Wish they would go...

[MonsterJAF]

Yeah the reminders of things you did as a coulple are weird and kind of annoying. Wish they would go...

Yeah very annoying. Just so many things that my mind automatically relates to her and I. I try to change my thoughts right when they start if it's about her but it's overwhelming sometimes. I thought I would of been over her like 6 months ago lol boy was I wrong

[Montre]

Yeah very annoying. Just so many things that my mind automatically relates to her and I. I try to change my thoughts right when they start if it's about her but it's overwhelming sometimes. I thought I would of been over her like 6 months ago lol boy was I wrong

Don't worry, it only gets better. After my ex I met a girl from Alberta (I live in Ontario). We hooked up then, then she left for Alberta. She was just home for Xmas and we ended up getting together for the week she was down. First night we took a walk down at NIagara Falls (Big attraction here, one of the wonders of the world) and to see the lights. Instantly reminded me of my ex, we used to walk there all the time. We end up hooking up that night. A few days later I have to pick up some Cigars for my dad in a local town, I pick up Alberta girl and we go down. Hit a cafe, get the cigars and walk around the town (beautiful little village). We end up walking past a beach. Instantly all I can think of is the night where me and my ex were sitting on the beach, there was a thunderstorm some distance away in the lake, we could watch the lightning and rain from afar. Me and ex ended up hooking up on that beach, was a beautiful night. And there I am, walking past old ghosts with a different girl.

The night before Alberta goes to leave, we're taking a midnight drive, looking for a place that's a little secluded and private. Of course... there's only one place I know of, same place I took my ex.

Those feelings are so invasive. I almost feel guilty for feeling them while with another girl, means I'm clearly not as attached to the new girl as maybe I should be. It's just such a strange feeling. It's like a parasite, those old memories come crashing into the present and taint what's happening. It's inescapable and so vicious in nature, the idea that something so old, can come back to us when it's simply a memory.

[MonsterJAF]

Don't worry, it only gets better. After my ex I met a girl from Alberta (I live in Ontario). We hooked up then, then she left for Alberta. She was just home for Xmas and we ended up getting together for the week she was down. First night we took a walk down at NIagara Falls (Big attraction here, one of the wonders of the world) and to see the lights. Instantly reminded me of my ex, we used to walk there all the time. We end up hooking up that night. A few days later I have to pick up some Cigars for my dad in a local town, I pick up Alberta girl and we go down. Hit a cafe, get the cigars and walk around the town (beautiful little village). We end up walking past a beach. Instantly all I can think of is the night where me and my ex were sitting on the beach, there was a thunderstorm some distance away in the lake, we could watch the lightning and rain from afar. Me and ex ended up hooking up on that beach, was a beautiful night. And there I am, walking past old ghosts with a different girl.

The night before Alberta goes to leave, we're taking a midnight drive, looking for a place that's a little secluded and private. Of course... there's only one place I know of, same place I took my ex.

Those feelings are so invasive. I almost feel guilty for feeling them while with another girl, means I'm clearly not as attached to the new girl as maybe I should be. It's just such a strange feeling. It's like a parasite, those old memories come crashing into the present and taint what's happening. It's inescapable and so vicious in nature, the idea that something so old, can come back to us when it's simply a memory.

Post hit it right on dude. You always word things so well. Idk it's weird, I feel like I need to grow up and stop thinking like a child, maybe you guys can chime in and tell me if my thinking is logical with this. Since idk for sure but it's probably the case that my ex did get that std and has fooled around with guys, and me on the other hand hasnt been with someone since her or before her even. I feel like I am not a man because the last 9 months I have not been sexually active and she probably has. I am the one who improved so much on the outside and not her, yet she has been phucking around and I haven't. It makes me feel like she is "winning" even though I know it's dumb to think this because there is no competition or anything there. Do you guys feel the same or would you guys? I just can't snap out of that mentality as hard as I try…

[Montre]

Post hit it right on dude. You always word things so well. Idk it's weird, I feel like I need to grow up and stop thinking like a child, maybe you guys can chime in and tell me if my thinking is logical with this. Since idk for sure but it's probably the case that my ex did get that std and has fooled around with guys, and me on the other hand hasnt been with someone since her or before her even. I feel like I am not a man because the last 9 months I have not been sexually active and she probably has. I am the one who improved so much on the outside and not her, yet she has been phucking around and I haven't. It makes me feel like she is "winning" even though I know it's dumb to think this because there is no competition or anything there. Do you guys feel the same or would you guys? I just can't snap out of that mentality as hard as I try…

I have a personal story that may answer that, but it's a bit of a novel as I try to explain it.

I don't know how to explain this.. properly.. because personally, and if you are anything like me, you suffer the same affliction -- you just don't know it. I have been more sexually active since my ex, than I've ever been before my ex. More active than her? I'm not sure, I honestly think so. Yet I don't feel like I'm winning because it stops becoming a contest. We find physical partners for this idea that we are still worthy and worthwhile in society, as if it some sort of reassurance that because one girl found us unacceptable we can still maintain position with others. While on one front this rings true, if we can hook up with other girls, we are still worthy.. still acceptable. Yet I sat today writing my journal and I couldn't shake the feeling that I was nothing more than a monster. I felt that by proving to myself that I could sleep with women, I still had worth. Felt that somehow, in someway these acts would radiate and my ex would know, as if I could find some retaliation.

But for me, it is nothing but empty and cold. I never slept around before my ex, infact I felt bad even making out with girls. I treated love as something I would devote myself wholly into, I would not quiver and fall for the easy temptations of bar girls or alcohol. I slept with one girl when I was 23 before my ex girlfriend, I felt disgusted after. Then I met my ex, and when I slept with her, my world came alive. I felt so much better, so much more "connected" with myself, with her and the world around me. It felt like I had been awakened from a state of dismal auto-pilot. Now I sleep with girls, and it feels like a horrible game, a chore even. And this is why;

Last night was the fourth date me and Alberta girl had been on. She is a sweet girl, kind and nice, I get along with her. But I don't feel anything.. if you asked me things about her, nothing would register in my mind with any sort of importance. Yesterday night I slept with her. As we sat up after the deed was done, she confided in me that she wasn't sure why or how, but losing me would be the hardest thing she's done -- harder than any of her ex boyfriends. She told me that Ontario now felt like home, with me. I have plans to move out west in a few years, and she wishes to follow me. As we sat I listened, and replied emptily. She went on to tell me that there was a way I looked at her, that melted her, and that I was somehow the "total package" and everything a girl could need. With all these words, I felt nothing. There wasn't a single pang of confidence, or thankfulness, or appreciation or connection. It dawned on me, that this girl thought the world of me and I felt nothing, for her, for myself, or for the sex we had and what we shared.

That is the sort of bleak emptiness that you face when you look in the mirror, and you recite her words in your head and you feel a wash of dread as you realize that it was nothing but an empty pass time. Just "something to do", a little activity. That's when you realize that having sex with other people is no validation. The realization that every kiss I gave this girl was nothing more than me going through the steps of connecting with a woman, but the signal was dead from the start. You quickly realize how worthless it all is when I easily think, I would have traded that entire night, and the nights before it, and every false and misguided interaction with any other girl and every kiss, for just one, meaningful, fulfilling loving kiss with the person that was my girlfriend. Empty meaningless sex, is just that, the only issue is, if it's empty and meaningless for you, it could mean something to other party, and you quickly realize what you're doing has no valuation, it stands for nothing.

Which is what I wrote in my journal. When I take a step back and I look at what I'm doing, and what I'm becoming, I realize I'm just becoming less and less myself, and more of a monster, in an attempt to just bury everything. I truly didn't know Alberta girl was getting attached, but the fact that I even allowed that happen makes me wonder what it is I'm trying to achieve. It's like I've been stabbed 6 times and I only have 5 bandages. I try to patch one hole and another one opens, I patch that one and another opens.

You're someone who hasn't been sexually active, and you feel like you're "losing" some kind of battle for social validity. I'm someone who has been overly sexually active, and I'm losing myself. I don't feel like I'm losing myself, I know I am. The person I am becoming is an abomination of retaliation, like a frothing addict, jumping from girl to girl, just for that validation, and with each leap I feel part of me left behind.

EDIT: I'm not saying this is advice to NOT pursue having sex. Because I didn't have much issue hooking up with girls after the fact, I don't know what kind of mental effect /not/ hooking up would have. That is to say, I could be worse off for wahtever reason had I not been hooking up with girls. That is entirely up to you to decide. All I know is, at the end of the day, I still only have one thing on my mind.

[BuckeyeBlitz]

Going to type this as sober as possible brahs (lol but srsly im doing whatever I can to numb this feeling for now)

I was with girlfriend for 2 years, I broke up with her one hour ago. Yep, basically this is the first place I turned to spew out my thoughts since all of my friends are asleep right now. One year ago, I caught her texting some guy "friend". I knew it was more than that, and I called her on it, but she continually told me I was overreacting/being overprotective/whatever (you know the routine). To make a long story short, I found out she ****ed him at least once... that was a year ago. I forgave it (stupid) contingent upon her breaking contact with him. For a few months she did, but surprise surprise, as soon as a few months passed and we slipped back into normalcy I guess she figured it was okay to pick it back up. Once again, I busted her talking to him. Once again I did nothing except tell her she better knock it off. I had no backbone, and I take responsibility for that.

Fast forward to tonight... she went out of town for the weekend as I am busy working all weekend and new years. She told me she was going to stay with her family and spend new years with them. I tried to call her several times tonight due to a circumstance that had nothing to do with me being suspicious. She never answered, and for some reason it reminded me of how it was hard to get ahold of her when she was cheating a year ago. I made the decision to creep her twitter (I never do this, I don't use twitter) and sure enough she had a tweet from two days ago with the same guy tagged in it, something along the lines of "me and xxxxx set a new facetime record!!!!!!!". Apparently she spent the time that I was at work the other day facetiming with this guy for over two hours. I was working a job that she nagged me to get. She shaved her legs this morning before she left to go home, which at the time puzzled me, since I thought she was going to see her family. Now it makes sense. She also declined sex with me last night. Great feeling. Really.

I know my story is kind of meandering, but like I said I'm a little drunk.

To make a long story short, we live together in an apartment that is in her name. I'm packing my things tonight and leaving in the morning. I have a week before school starts for the semester, so I'm just planning on crashing with my parents while lining up other living arrangements. At this point, I have literally no choice but to end things. I wanted so badly for it to work, but she just can't stop ****ing things up, and she has pretty much lost all respect for me at this point, and if I were to stay and give another "this is the last time I will let this happen" lecture, it would fall upon deaf ears.

I'm about 100% sure she loves me and wants a future with me, but some people just cannot stop themselves from sabotaging things. She is one of those people. I have been left with no choice. It sucks. I miss her already, but I realize there is no going back. What little trust I had regained for her is completely lost.

I feel lonely as hell. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

[BazBrah]

Going to type this as sober as possible brahs (lol but srsly im doing whatever I can to numb this feeling for now)

I was with girlfriend for 2 years, I broke up with her one hour ago. Yep, basically this is the first place I turned to spew out my thoughts since all of my friends are asleep right now. One year ago, I caught her texting some guy "friend". I knew it was more than that, and I called her on it, but she continually told me I was overreacting/being overprotective/whatever (you know the routine). To make a long story short, I found out she ****ed him at least once... that was a year ago. I forgave it (stupid) contingent upon her breaking contact with him. For a few months she did, but surprise surprise, as soon as a few months passed and we slipped back into normalcy I guess she figured it was okay to pick it back up. Once again, I busted her talking to him. Once again I did nothing except tell her she better knock it off. I had no backbone, and I take responsibility for that.

Fast forward to tonight... she went out of town for the weekend as I am busy working all weekend and new years. She told me she was going to stay with her family and spend new years with them. I tried to call her several times tonight due to a circumstance that had nothing to do with me being suspicious. She never answered, and for some reason it reminded me of how it was hard to get ahold of her when she was cheating a year ago. I made the decision to creep her twitter (I never do this, I don't use twitter) and sure enough she had a tweet from two days ago with the same guy tagged in it, something along the lines of "me and xxxxx set a new facetime record!!!!!!!". Apparently she spent the time that I was at work the other day facetiming with this guy for over two hours. I was working a job that she nagged me to get. She shaved her legs this morning before she left to go home, which at the time puzzled me, since I thought she was going to see her family. Now it makes sense. She also declined sex with me last night. Great feeling. Really.

I know my story is kind of meandering, but like I said I'm a little drunk.

To make a long story short, we live together in an apartment that is in her name. I'm packing my things tonight and leaving in the morning. I have a week before school starts for the semester, so I'm just planning on crashing with my parents while lining up other living arrangements. At this point, I have literally no choice but to end things. I wanted so badly for it to work, but she just can't stop ****ing things up, and she has pretty much lost all respect for me at this point, and if I were to stay and give another "this is the last time I will let this happen" lecture, it would fall upon deaf ears.

I'm about 100% sure she loves me and wants a future with me, but some people just cannot stop themselves from sabotaging things. She is one of those people. I have been left with no choice. It sucks. I miss her already, but I realize there is no going back. What little trust I had regained for her is completely lost.

I feel lonely as hell. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

for something as serious as yours, the only thing that will ever help you is time. not meeting other girls, not going out every night, not getting another hobby.. but time will.


it may seem like a lifetime but you will eventually get over her, a day will come when you dont think about her for a split second. and you will be proud of yourself.

i cant even imagine how **** you feel atm. ive been cheated on 7 times with a single girl. it absolutley destroyed me. and ive only gotten over her a month or so ago.

girls are messed up like that. nothing you can do except to keep your head up and try as hard as you can to really stop thinking about her.



a technique that worked for me, was as soon as i thought about her, i would think about chit(srs)

it helped me associate her with chit, and after a while i was disgusted thinking about her... if only i found this technique earlier

i strongly recomend it.. associate her to something you fuking hate. soon enough your brain will automatically think of her as a p.o.s that she really is.


good luck brah, stay safe.





also one more thing. if you EVER think you'll never find a more attractive/beautiful/smart/etc girl. you're dead wrong. trust me when i say this. you will find a girl much better.


we're all going to make it brah.

[Iren1cuss]

Hey guys. I haven't made a post ITT yet but currently I'm in a weird situation. Basically, I've lost my interest to meet new women, I just don't ****ing care. I just ended a long relationship because I'm pretty sure my ex wanted to get pregnant without my consent(I'm not going to explain this too much, but all i can say is that I know it for sure). 2 weeks ago I saw her at my birthday and she told me she wanted for me to propose to her(lol?). Another ex contacted me about a week ago, I also dumped her a long time ago because I felt pressured to commit to something I didn't want at the moment. Basically, in every relationship I've been in, after a short period of time this is what happens. Am I supposed to just accept the fact that when you are in a relationship, the woman will try to move things into marriage/kids after a short period of time?

This seems like a black and white situation to me, either I get into a relationship when I want to get married/have kids, or I just stay alone and do what I want to do without caring about having a woman in my life.

[MonsterJAF]

I have a personal story that may answer that, but it's a bit of a novel as I try to explain it.

I don't know how to explain this.. properly.. because personally, and if you are anything like me, you suffer the same affliction -- you just don't know it. I have been more sexually active since my ex, than I've ever been before my ex. More active than her? I'm not sure, I honestly think so. Yet I don't feel like I'm winning because it stops becoming a contest. We find physical partners for this idea that we are still worthy and worthwhile in society, as if it some sort of reassurance that because one girl found us unacceptable we can still maintain position with others. While on one front this rings true, if we can hook up with other girls, we are still worthy.. still acceptable. Yet I sat today writing my journal and I couldn't shake the feeling that I was nothing more than a monster. I felt that by proving to myself that I could sleep with women, I still had worth. Felt that somehow, in someway these acts would radiate and my ex would know, as if I could find some retaliation.

But for me, it is nothing but empty and cold. I never slept around before my ex, infact I felt bad even making out with girls. I treated love as something I would devote myself wholly into, I would not quiver and fall for the easy temptations of bar girls or alcohol. I slept with one girl when I was 23 before my ex girlfriend, I felt disgusted after. Then I met my ex, and when I slept with her, my world came alive. I felt so much better, so much more "connected" with myself, with her and the world around me. It felt like I had been awakened from a state of dismal auto-pilot. Now I sleep with girls, and it feels like a horrible game, a chore even. And this is why;

Last night was the fourth date me and Alberta girl had been on. She is a sweet girl, kind and nice, I get along with her. But I don't feel anything.. if you asked me things about her, nothing would register in my mind with any sort of importance. Yesterday night I slept with her. As we sat up after the deed was done, she confided in me that she wasn't sure why or how, but losing me would be the hardest thing she's done -- harder than any of her ex boyfriends. She told me that Ontario now felt like home, with me. I have plans to move out west in a few years, and she wishes to follow me. As we sat I listened, and replied emptily. She went on to tell me that there was a way I looked at her, that melted her, and that I was somehow the "total package" and everything a girl could need. With all these words, I felt nothing. There wasn't a single pang of confidence, or thankfulness, or appreciation or connection. It dawned on me, that this girl thought the world of me and I felt nothing, for her, for myself, or for the sex we had and what we shared.

That is the sort of bleak emptiness that you face when you look in the mirror, and you recite her words in your head and you feel a wash of dread as you realize that it was nothing but an empty pass time. Just "something to do", a little activity. That's when you realize that having sex with other people is no validation. The realization that every kiss I gave this girl was nothing more than me going through the steps of connecting with a woman, but the signal was dead from the start. You quickly realize how worthless it all is when I easily think, I would have traded that entire night, and the nights before it, and every false and misguided interaction with any other girl and every kiss, for just one, meaningful, fulfilling loving kiss with the person that was my girlfriend. Empty meaningless sex, is just that, the only issue is, if it's empty and meaningless for you, it could mean something to other party, and you quickly realize what you're doing has no valuation, it stands for nothing.

Which is what I wrote in my journal. When I take a step back and I look at what I'm doing, and what I'm becoming, I realize I'm just becoming less and less myself, and more of a monster, in an attempt to just bury everything. I truly didn't know Alberta girl was getting attached, but the fact that I even allowed that happen makes me wonder what it is I'm trying to achieve. It's like I've been stabbed 6 times and I only have 5 bandages. I try to patch one hole and another one opens, I patch that one and another opens.

You're someone who hasn't been sexually active, and you feel like you're "losing" some kind of battle for social validity. I'm someone who has been overly sexually active, and I'm losing myself. I don't feel like I'm losing myself, I know I am. The person I am becoming is an abomination of retaliation, like a frothing addict, jumping from girl to girl, just for that validation, and with each leap I feel part of me left behind.

EDIT: I'm not saying this is advice to NOT pursue having sex. Because I didn't have much issue hooking up with girls after the fact, I don't know what kind of mental effect /not/ hooking up would have. That is to say, I could be worse off for wahtever reason had I not been hooking up with girls. That is entirely up to you to decide. All I know is, at the end of the day, I still only have one thing on my mind.

Thanks for the words and sharing some experience as always montre. It's weird, i am not by any means saying that I could go out every weekend and get laid, but it is just something that has never appealed to me. I have always longed and wanted that steady special person to do this with. I am not judging guys who do this, just everyone has their own thing. If I didn't think my ex has been fooling around with guys since the breakup, I wouldn't be pressured or feel that I should. I think it is a confidence thing with me, I lost a lot of confidence in myself physically and mentally since the breakup. To me it's like, oh she is so much more attractive, has so much more to offer, and is better because she has been with guys probably. I think once I get out of this mindset I will be on my way to making good progress.. I don't know how to leave the mindset, try to change my thinking? Or just try looking to hook up with someone so I don't feel the pressure. When I type it out I feel so childish and immature, but I would be lieing to say it hasn't been bothering me.

[heretomorrow]

Just a short while after our break up my ex texted me (about 1.5 weeks later). It was right in the very moment I was having serious second thoughts....wondering constantly what he was doing....etc etc., then bam a text from him right in that moment. It kind of blew me away, just the timing. I wrote back a while later.

I just know he's going to set something up in the new year and I have no idea what to do. I have serious second thoughts, now on an almost daily basis, but that doesn't mean necessarily that he and I should be back together. I know where his head is I'm pretty sure (wanting to be back together) - I wish my own mind was as clear, one way or the other.

The thing that gets me is, I was going to see through the whole NC thing, but I knew this was coming (him contacting me) and I knew that I would be totally f*cked up by it.

I don't know wtf I will do from this point. if we ever had a chance of amicably and quietly going our separate ways, it was lost when he texted me (or, maybe more accurately, when I texted him back).