Do you factor in your mates preferences when setting fitness goals?

[induced_drag]

My first Fem Misc post. Hope this is OK to post here. Interested in some female' viewpoints on this.

I am a reg poster in the >35 so hope this is OK to post here too.

OK....this is a serious question.

Do you factor in your training goals into what you know your mate desires?

If you answer "yes" to that, do you alter from what might be your overall goal to please them?


Here is my example..... Yes it is me. My wife and I have been together for a long time. I know she loves me any way that I am. She loved me when I was out of shape and she loves me now. But, she has made it clear that she is not a big fan of overly muscled physiques for as long as I have known her. (and that has been since I was 17)

She now makes this point, especially when I am bulking. (which is months at a time). She has said (several times)....you dont need to get any bigger....etc. Her 'pet' names for me become "gorilla" and "boulder". She is not real pushy about it....but she has made her preference clear.

I workout for me....and it really has nothing to do with her. Primarily, I pursue strength, and the size is a by-product of that. I am happy pushing myself in the gym and really enjoy this. I have also reconfirmed what I already knew from my 20's.... I have the genetics and ability to develop muscularly quite well.

So....I am left to consider. My wife I know will love me regardless....but perusing further goals in bodybuilding will inevitably result in a physique which my wife has stated is not her preference. The irony is ....the attention that I get from other women is inversely proportional to this. Over the past few years, I have and do, get more and more attention from the opposite sex. (this is not my desire...and I am VERY happy with just my wife....but it is the reality of the situation).

So that is my quandary.... I was hoping for some interesting thoughts and viewpoints.

[Sanchica27]

To an extent, yes and I would expect him to do the same

Has your wife given you any specific reasons as to why she does not prefer the body type you seem to prefer? Is it just physical or does she associate the look with possible negative personality traits or the attention you seem to already be getting from other women? Does she have any interest is fitness the way you do?

[BrotherWolf]

My first Fem Misc post. Hope this is OK to post here. Interested in some female' viewpoints on this.

no GTFO

[geek23ka]

it's a good question. my husband has always wanted me to lose weight. he loves me for me blah blah, but yeah, part of my motivation to lose weight was to please him. he's an amazing human being and i feel lucky to have hooked up with him. it's a big health benefit to lose weight and he will love it, so why not.

now that i am serious about weightlifting, he has made some noise about what my goals are. i think a good compromise for us is for me to work hard on strength, as well as lose excess fat, but not cut for muscle definition. he doesn't mind thick, but he's not into super cut women of any size. my goal is just under 75kg in weight, and we will go from there. i want that to be my competing weight class.

i've compromised. if it were totally up to me, i wouldn't concern myself at all with how i look, as much as getting a really good weight to lift ratio, at whatever weight works best for lifting.

[induced_drag]

To an extent, yes and I would expect him to do the same

Has your wife given you any specific reasons as to why she does not prefer the body type you seem to prefer? Is it just physical or does she associate the look with possible negative personality traits or the attention you seem to already be getting from other women? Does she have any interest is fitness the way you do?

No specific reason.... I just think it is her preference as to what she is attracted most to. You hit the nail on the head when you say she associates certain physiques with personality traits. She does not like "muscle heads" as she puts it.

I dont think (I really dont know) that the attention I get bothers her. With that said....she is a VERY VERY attractive girl in her own right. I am not just being nice....and I would love her regardless....but I dare say, she is stunning.

She does not share any of my interest in fitness, other then just general health. She is in very good shape....but not muscular. 5'5 115lbs. She works out....but not regimented in any way.

I know a lot of women dont prefer that real muscular look on men. I am not saying that I am that.....but I am certainly no swimmer . Just wondering what others thoughts are. I really want to do what I am doing for me....but in the end, I do care what my spouse thinks.

[Sanchica27]

No specific reason.... I just think it is her preference as to what she is attracted most to. You hit the nail on the head when you say she associates certain physiques with personality traits. She does not like "muscle heads" as she puts it.

I dont think (I really dont know) that the attention I get bothers her. With that said....she is a VERY VERY attractive girl in her own right. I am not just being nice....and I would love her regardless....but I dare say, she is stunning.

She does not share any of my interest in fitness, other then just general health. She is in very good shape....but not muscular. 5'5 115lbs. She works out....but not regimented in any way.

I know a lot of women dont prefer that real muscular look on men. I am not saying that I am that.....but I am certainly no swimmer . Just wondering what others thoughts are. I really want to do what I am doing for me....but in the end, I do care what my spouse thinks.

Well I think you answered your own question here

I also do not prefer the heavy muscle or super low body fat for men. However, if it really gave my DH that much joy and positive feeling about himself, I would deal. As long as the time he spent on it did not interfere with the time we would spend together or with our family. There will always have to be balance and compromise. You sound utterly devoted and in love with your wife so I think you'll do just fine in finding it

[latebloomingmom]

hmmm I think if you are in a serious committed relationship? then yes you should at least consider their wishes...after all they are the ones who get to see ya nekkid

[Botika]

Do you factor in your training goals into what you know your mate desires?

Interesting question OP. Sometimes I change my appearance to please my husband, sometimes I don't. It really depends on how attached I am to looking a particular way. For example, I have some items of clothing that my husband hates. If I really like the outfit then I will wear it anyway, and my husband will just accept it. At other times I may choose to change outfits because I want my husband to find my choice attractive.

In regard to physique it's a bit more complicated because you can't 'just change'. How much does it mean to you to be a particular size? How much do you think it will affect your relationship if you pursue this goal? Will your wife accept this choice or will she resent that you have chosen to do this?

All that aside... Could it be she feels this way because you are bulking? Maybe after a cut when you lose some BF she may feel less overwhelmed by your size.

[induced_drag]

Interesting question OP. Sometimes I change my appearance to please my husband, sometimes I don't. It really depends on how attached I am to looking a particular way. For example, I have some items of clothing that my husband hates. If I really like the outfit then I will wear it anyway, and my husband will just accept it. At other times I may choose to change outfits because I want my husband to find my choice attractive.

In regard to physique it's a bit more complicated because you can't 'just change'. How much does it mean to you to be a particular size? How much do you think it will affect your relationship if you pursue this goal? Will your wife accept this choice or will she resent that you have chosen to do this?

All that aside... Could it be she feels this way because you are bulking? Maybe after a cut when you lose some BF she may feel less overwhelmed by your size.

Good points.

To answer your questions:

"How much does it mean to you to be a particular size? "

I dont have a clear goal to be 'huge'. But I am enjoying pursuing becoming as strong as I can. (I am very competitive with myself). I was out of the gym for almost a decade and I feel like I am making up for lost time. I want to turn 40 in the best shape of my life.

"How much do you think it will affect your relationship if you pursue this goal?"

I dont know. It would be terrible to think that I am no longer what she finds attractive. I dont think she has control over what she likes and does not.

"Will your wife accept this choice or will she resent that you have chosen to do this?"

She would support me in just about anything. I dont think she would ultimately be honest with me if it effected her attraction towards me.

All that aside... Could it be she feels this way because you are bulking? Maybe after a cut when you lose some BF she may feel less overwhelmed by your size.

I do not "dirty bulk". Even when bulking, I maintain decent body composition. Far better then what I kept when I was out of the gym for almost a decade.

Here is progress vid I made for my journal well into my 'bulk'. As you can see....I am not "fat"....just fairly thick.




She does not like my eating habits while bulking. (and I dont either! ). I know it is hard to watch someone eat to a point of being uncomfortable......and doing this day in and day out for months at a time. The carb bloat that comes along with 400-500g of carbs a day on a bulk also is not very flattering to the midsection .

I do think she is much happier when I am in my leaner states....but then she complains "there is nothing 'soft' of you anymore". She says my size is uncomfortable to cuddle with in bed as an example. I guess I am just not her big pillow anymore and maybe she preferred that?...


My worry is.....am I being selfish for pursuing a goal for me that I know my wife in not in 100% favor of?... As you said....it is not just an outfit you can switch back out of. But truth be told, I dont think I can get much bigger....but I still want to pursue possibly powerlifting....albeit a powerlifter with abs

[penny0527]

I'm really not sure what to say other than if you do not pursue your ultimate goal are you going to eventually regret it and resent her?

[MuscleSouth]

I expect women to train their areolas to be a nice consistent hue and have the circumference of a fifty cents piece. I think that's reasonable.

[ninarose]

You say:
I really want to do what I am doing for me....but in the end, I do care what my spouse thinks.
I know she loves me any way that I am. She loved me when I was out of shape and she loves me now and you say
she is a VERY VERY attractive girl in her own right. I am not just being nice....and I would love her regardless....but I dare say, she is stunning.

So sounds like you have an amazing marriage and if it makes you happy, in the long run, just going by what youve said, it will make her happy too.

[MichaelCJ]

If she loves you (and it sounds like that's the case), some strange eating habits and being a bit stronger won't put her off.

As for whether chicks tend to like strong-looking guys? Yeah, I'd say so, despite some currently fairly trendy fashions, and the teenagers (and a few others here and there) that claim to subscribe to them.

Being strong is alpha. Looking strong, all the more so. Women, in general, like this. Exceptions? Of course, as always. But honestly, I think most will find this to be the case, 99/100 times.

And, I believe, there's a big difference between "big and strong" resulting from food and hard work, and "big and strong" resulting from some of that and a whole lot of drugs, etc. The former still looks natural, and well, human. The latter, not necessarily.


tl;dr: You'll be fine.

[Ozelot]

Do you factor in your training goals into what you know your mate desires?

No.
And I do not diet to please a partner either.

Maybe thats required, I dont know. Been in the same relationship for 13 years, been fit, been a bit chunky (after having a baby) but working out is for my health, not for anyone else. Id like to keep my curves, and if my partner prefered skinny women, Id tell him to go find one.

If I was into lifting (which I am not) I would do that for me as well and aim for the physique I prefer.
I am no fan of Belgium Blues, but if the guy I am with wanted that physique to make himself feel good it would be fine by me. I am in a relationship with a person, not a body.

[rdferguson]

Not female, not in a relationship, but...

If I were in a relationship, I would absolutely factor her desires into my goals. So long as I'm controlling my physique, why would I voluntarily make myself less appealing to the only person whose opinion on my looks actually matters?

[CharlieChap]

Sometimes those that aren't into this don't really know how to evaluate a physique.
It might be the definition that is the problem because she can see the muscles.
Maybe try a bulk and get a bit fluffy and see what she says?

[thebigzakbowski]

No. she doesn't like veins popping out and has already commented on how my forearms are starting to look. My wife would prefer something like Steve Blackman http://pwa.wrestlingx.net/wrestlerim...e_blackman.jpg Where as I would like something more like Brock Lesnar or Scott Steiner

[induced_drag]

I'm really not sure what to say other than if you do not pursue your ultimate goal are you going to eventually regret it and resent her?

I dont think I will feel that way.... Overall.... I am just trying to be the best I can be. I have no interest in actually competing. I was in a real bad accident 3 years ago in which I was almost killed. I was the sole survivor of an aircraft crash. (left with a broken neck and frontal brain injury)

That was a big wake-up call and gave me the perspective to evaluate the way I wanted to be. Being out of the gym for almost a decade after being a competitive athlete my whole life, was a big hole I needed to replenish. I had formerly filled that void with work.....(self employed with 3 businesses and almost 100 employees). That was not healthy either.... After recovering from my injuries, which took almost 4 months, I committed to myself that I wanted to be strong again. That was it....no looking back now . 40 is right around the corner!

Good for you for doing what ultimately makes YOU happy, OP.

I certainly do not train to accommodate my partner, lol. It just so happens that he likes the results of my frequent squatting

Trust me.....you and I both. Try having 40" hips and a 31" waist! I actually quit squatting cause my glutes are overdeveloped! Brought my quads up almost 1.5" since quitting squatting.

You say:
I really want to do what I am doing for me....but in the end, I do care what my spouse thinks.
I know she loves me any way that I am. She loved me when I was out of shape and she loves me now and you say
she is a VERY VERY attractive girl in her own right. I am not just being nice....and I would love her regardless....but I dare say, she is stunning.

So sounds like you have an amazing marriage and if it makes you happy, in the long run, just going by what youve said, it will make her happy too.

Any marriage is always hard work. But I have known my wife for a loooong time. She was my high school girlfriend. I was 17 and she was 16. We both went to each others proms...etc. We went our separate ways in college but always remained close friends. We found our way back together about 14 years ago. We have two wonderful kids and I could not be happier. She is a great girl, fantastic mother, and great partner.

This is why it is important for me to consider her desires in our relationship. Marriage is all about compromise....there is never a win or lose. Sometimes you get more by giving up something you want for your spouse. If you start just making it about "mine" and "yours" things go downhill really fast.

Anyway...here is a family pic.

If she loves you (and it sounds like that's the case), some strange eating habits and being a bit stronger won't put her off.

As for whether chicks tend to like strong-looking guys? Yeah, I'd say so, despite some currently fairly trendy fashions, and the teenagers (and a few others here and there) that claim to subscribe to them.

Being strong is alpha. Looking strong, all the more so. Women, in general, like this. Exceptions? Of course, as always. But honestly, I think most will find this to be the case, 99/100 times.

And, I believe, there's a big difference between "big and strong" resulting from food and hard work, and "big and strong" resulting from some of that and a whole lot of drugs, etc. The former still looks natural, and well, human. The latter, not necessarily.


tl;dr: You'll be fine.

One of her biggest issues also ties in with my eating habits when I am trying to gain weight.

As for the eating habits, she tires of my surplus diet fairly quickly (as do I). She does not like watching me force feed myself to the point of nausea almost every meal. She sees me struggle to get the food in and this becomes a day in-day out thing for MONTHS at a time.

The change in my body is far from subtle, and it happens in the course of 1-2 weeks as well. I will gain 8-10 lbs in the first two weeks just from the change in water balance. My stomach also becomes distended from all the food intake and pretty much stays that way. I am still way leaner then I was when I was out of shape....but she says "you just look uncomfortable". I can feel it as well. I really dont feel as good while bulking, except for my strength which goes through the roof.

I think her issue may lie in more of the seeing the extremes as I shift from one extreme to another. Maybe when I find my happy medium and get off the bulk/cut rollercoaster, she will be more accepting. For now, this method, although a little extreme, is giving the results I want. I will have only 2 years to reach my goal I have set. (about 5 months left now).

When I hit that goal, I might ease up a little.....put up the food scale and just wing it for a while....but for now I am focused on what I know works.

Not female, not in a relationship, but...

If I were in a relationship, I would absolutely factor her desires into my goals. So long as I'm controlling my physique, why would I voluntarily make myself less appealing to the only person whose opinion on my looks actually matters?

Exactly my thoughts.

Sometimes those that aren't into this don't really know how to evaluate a physique.
It might be the definition that is the problem because she can see the muscles.
Maybe try a bulk and get a bit fluffy and see what she says?

I am NEVER interested in being above 12-13%. Plus, with my frame, getting back up to higher bf levels, I would be WAY heavier then I am comfortable.

No.
And I do not diet to please a partner either.

I am in a relationship with a person, not a body.

True, but basic law of physical attraction can not be denied either... I know she will still love and support me, but if I move further away from what she is naturally attracted to, it would seem inevitable that it will affect something.

[penny0527]

She may grow to love what look you end up with. I have adapted to like a look I did not necessarily before.

[geek23ka]

I'm really not sure what to say other than if you do not pursue your ultimate goal are you going to eventually regret it and resent her?

i think this is the best way to look at it, really. if i thought i was going to resent my partner by trying to conform to his wishes, i just wouldn't do it. there is compromise, and then there is losing yourself for another's whim.

my goal is a long way off. i don't really know how any of this will play out. i just wouldn't give a **** about how hot my body is if it weren't for him. i had a hot body when i was younger and it was more trouble than it was worth. frankly. the husband has never known me under 200 lbs, so i think he's going to be happy with just about anything i do at this point.

[Ozelot]

True, but basic law of physical attraction can not be denied either... I know she will still love and support me, but if I move further away from what she is naturally attracted to, it would seem inevitable that it will affect something.

Oh, I dont know. Us humans jump to conclusions all the time. We have opinions based on not very examined grounds a lot of the time.
If you love the person, maybe you´ll discover that physique really wasnt so bad after all. Maybe even attractive since you already are deeply comitted to the person.
Its not as if you have just met. The attraction is already there, I assume. So you are afraid it will go away.

[Sanchica27]

Oh, I dont know. Us humans jump to conclusions all the time. We have opinions based on not very examined grounds a lot of the time.
If you love the person, maybe you´ll discover that physique really wasnt so bad after all. Maybe even attractive since you already are deeply comitted to the person.
Its not as if you have just met. The attraction is already there, I assume. So you are afraid it will go away.

As far as changing body types go, I have been with my now DH since I was 15 and he was 16. We were babies. When we started dating we both weighed about 170, I'm 5'5" and he's 5'7", we have both been way up (me to 296, him to 244) and back down, there was never a time, no matter how big I got or how big he got that we both didn't go after each other on a very regular basis or ever look anywhere else. We all deal with changes when we're in it for the long haul, it's part of the journey. You already mentioned that being this big and the fluctuating diet are not going to be forever, I think you can both stick it out and find a balance.

[RandomRetro]

I would totally factor it in, if what they wanted was diametrically opposed to what i felt comfortable with, then i wouldn't go to that level. My health would be first, then finding a balance between what i wanna look like and what they like me to look like.

Relationships boil down to compromise really, find thta middle ground and be happy/safe op

[themyth2009]

Perhaps she is more concerned about a couple of things. One the attention you are not getting from other women. I am sure if you notice she does to. Also the time and effort you are putting into it. She might not feel she is number 1.

Been in your shoes.

[induced_drag]

Perhaps she is more concerned about a couple of things. One the attention you are not getting from other women. I am sure if you notice she does to. Also the time and effort you are putting into it. She might not feel she is number 1.

Been in your shoes.

Hey man! Great insight. I am not so sure she is the jealous type....although she would probably be too stubborn to show it if she were But your second point is a great one. When you live together and raise kids together, there is ALWAYS something to be done. Inevitably, I am sure there are more things that I could (and should) do in general. My wife is a fantastic mom and partner. She made the decision 10 years ago to leave the workforce and raise our kids. (It fit with what we both believed was the way we wanted our family)

That does not mean she does not work! I really have never met a harder working person then she is. She will never sit still until the last thing is done....and as a mom ....there is ALWAYS something to do. I am not wired like she is and will stand up and say there are times I could do more. Even though I might be OK with leaving it.....she will end up doing it if I dont...and that builds resentment.

I am sure that she looks at my dedication to the gym as a sore issue in ways. But I also considered my family when planning my workouts. I switched to working out only 3 days a week for about an hour. My diet however is a 24/7 ordeal. I set a requirement that I would always eat dinner with my family and always eat what they ate. This ruled out CKD...etc. But my eating I am sure can be annoying at times. I would hate to think where she would love to shove my food scale .

In the end, I think that is a big part of it..... But at the core, I do know she has never been a big fan of 'muscle heads'. It is one of the reasons I will never let my bulk drift up. (besides I dont like it either). I have no interest in being a big lump regardless how strong I am. Aesthetics still mean a lot to me. I have not been back at this very long now. (Less then 2 years). I am thinking over time, I may find a more happy medium to this lifestyle. But for now, I have about 4 months to go to hit 40 and I have to stay focused.

Thanks for sharing.

[danap3681]

ID I saw this post over in the O35...

I am not going to say I do not factor my husbands feelings or opinions into my goals but to be honest I would probably continue doing it even if he did not approve. He sometimes makes comments about my getting bulky and working out too much but I honestly think he is just glad I take care of myself. He has never been in a gym in his adult life and says he never will. He has a physically demanding job so he gets his exercise from working. I however, have a desk job

When I really got serious about lifting we were not together at the time so I was doing it regardless although he made sly comments about being obssesive about it. Which before I gave up all the cardio... I was! I had lost too much weight and he was concerned for my health. I think now that he sees me eating the way I should and finally back to a healthy weight he is okay with it.

He knows this is something I really enjoy doing and as long as I don't go overboard with it he will be fine. He just doesn't want me to look like a bulky man. I assured him there is no way I would ever get that way.

[BenderFitness]

Interesting post. My husband's "type" tends to change to whatever I am at the moment. He has loved me curvy, very lean and petite looking, and more muscular. Depending on the shape I am in he becomes more focused on different areas, but his overall attraction to me doesn't change. It seems like as long as I am happy with how I look, he is happy with it too.

From what you have posted I wonder if it's more the lifestyle that she dislikes as opposed to the bulk. Maybe you should sit down with her and ask if it changes her level of attraction to you. If it is honestly a problem that can affect her physical attraction to you, than you may find that outweighs your building goals. If you talk to her about your goals and how important they are, she might be more supportive.

[aristomeow]

No, I would probably not factor in my mate's preference for fitness goals. I would lose weight if I ever became overweight (although I try my hardest not to gain anything), but my argument would just be "Stfu I'm not fat so you can't complain" if he said I was getting too thin or too muscular.

[induced_drag]

From what you have posted I wonder if it's more the lifestyle that she dislikes as opposed to the bulk....

Yes..... I think that is a good part of it. My eating is pretty extreme when on surplus. It is always a struggle every day and her watching me eat to the point of discomfort every day, I am sure gets annoying.

Also when I run surplus the carbs really cause a lot of bloat. (Carbs will run 500g/day at points) I just started cutting and today was one week. I dropped a full 10lbs. (208 down to 198) My wife already commented that I look a lot better. My face bloat, ankles and stomach dropped away. I spent 4 months on surplus and she is happy to see the non-bloated me back.

Here is a quick pic I took 3 days ago (4 days into cutting) and 6 lbs of water already dropped off. I think I had the cals set right..and I at least did not get sloppy fat in the process. I think she will be much happier in a few weeks and I will tighten up quite a bit. Really, she just does not like that super bloated look. When I am on surplus, I carry that all the time.



This is what I looked like "bulked" pre cut.




This is where I was before beginning the bulk. She likes the smaller, less bulky look. This was not super lean....and I plan on cutting down a good bit further then this in prep for hitting the big 4-0



Marriage is a compromise of many things..... I can understand where she is coming from. I really dont like the bloat either from all the food. Doing it for 3-4 months at a time really gets old fast. Possibly going to experiment with some different bulking techniques moving forward. (maybe not so carb heavy)

[penny0527]

I think you look great in the first two pictures.

Does she lift weights?