Mini Essay on Bodybuilding

[Singh1996]

My teacher's question:

Spend 30 minutes (literally) in a place you feel symbolizes “Your”
world: Starbucks, Safeway, Costco, Home depot, A Mall, A Strip
Mall, 7-11, Library, Park, Under the Burrard St. Bridge, Robson
Street, the dinner table, your Yoga mat.

In a composition essay, min 400 words, making reference to the
literary devices you may find your self surrounded by, respond to
the following question: are you living in your own story or existing
in someone else’s?


Attached is the essay, enjoy! Any sort of grammar/spelling/etc recommendations would be gladly accepted!

[brolickant]

Good essay but your thoughts are all over the place and needs mor structure

My teacher's question:
Spend 30 minutes (literally) in a place you feel symbolizes “Your”
world: Starbucks, Safeway, Costco, Home depot, A Mall, A Strip
Mall, 7-11, Library, Park, Under the Burrard St. Bridge, Robson
Street, the dinner table, your Yoga mat.

In a composition essay, min 400 words, making reference to the
literary devices you may find your self surrounded by, respond to
the following question: are you living in your own story or existing
in someone else’s?


Attached is the essay, enjoy! Any sort of grammar/spelling/etc recommendations would be gladly accepted!

[Singh1996]

Good essay but your thoughts are all over the place and needs mor structure

Thanks for feedback m8, was getting some strong view:replies there

Could you please explain what you mean? I thought it was pretty straight forward... I begin with how it starts in my house, then walking to the gym, then being there, then relating it to how it's ''my own story'' as my teacher puts it.

[thatonedude_808]

Thanks for feedback m8, was getting some strong view:replies there

Could you please explain what you mean? I thought it was pretty straight forward... I begin with how it starts in my house, then walking to the gym, then being there, then relating it to how it's ''my own story'' as my teacher puts it.

Pretty sure he means transitional phrases to help the structure of the essay by creating relationships between ideas. It would be great using transitions that indicate time.

More vivid details would be great (Ex: "I feel the muscles tense up, I feel them loosen, always in control")
How so? You want to help the readers visualize and feel just as you do.

As for grammar, I noticed a lot of run-ons (mainly comma splices) and some fragments.

[BrandonTe]

ok.

[Singh1996]

Pretty sure he means transitional phrases to help the structure of the essay by creating relationships between ideas. It would be great using transitions that indicate time.

More vivid details would be great (Ex: "I feel the muscles tense up, I feel them loosen, always in control")
How so? You want to help the readers visualize and feel just as you do.

As for grammar, I noticed a lot of run-ons (mainly comma splices) and some fragments.

Thank you beautiful asian.