How Would You Take on Your Sexual Harasser at the Work Place? WARNING (Vulgar)

[LveNLrn]

The title may be a little mis-leading.

First: My beliefs: I believe we attract our mirror image in life, may that be positive or negative. That's for you to decide about yourself.


Where I am currently working I already realize that management does NOT give a rats arse about sexually suggestive innuendoes & due to that, it than trickles down to the other like minded individuals.



I have kept out of the tiff's & gossip that goes on in this work place. Lately however, within the last two months, I guess I've reached my breaking point. I try very hard to be courteous, polite, & say what I need to say so that I am not just some quiet little mouse. I've been learning to love & respect myself, & it has been a very difficult journey.

I still have my "blow up moments" that are rather childish. For instance: I am at work this evening, my peer comes in & he is agitated. He tells me he is tired. A few moments later, he is humming & hahing out loud about how can someone DO THIS, this is common sense & he goes on & on & on & on. I than say to him, "How is this common sense?" I was taught when I first came here, this is how they'd like it to be done." He won't really let me get a word in at all. I basically steam up & of course by that time, he knows that he's got me. A few minutes later, he comes to me & says, I think you want me to say something, would you like me to say something? Me: No, you do NOT get to have a fit, not tell me the issue & than tell me how I AM In the Wrong. No, you need to give me some cool off time, excuse me. Him: he hrmphs & smirks, if though I am the one with this HUGE problem. *** We worked out the issue.....HIS issue. *** he admitted to it. I did not prod him.

Throughout the evening, he says out loud in ear shot of other co workers how I am grumpy. ( & yet he is the grumpy one ) I mean, I am a pretty intelligent womyn, & I KNOW what is going on here. Like all things, everything is SO much easier said than done. It's hard work.


In the last few weeks this gentleman has also been much more flirtatious with the other ladies. I do NOT like this & have made a point of it. He just keeps pushing & pushing & pushing my buttons & he knows it.

POWER STRUGGLE, AM I RIGHT?

When I scowl or whatever, he says things like: Ohhhh, you know I am just joking around. YOU Should know by now how I like to joke. ME: I feel like this is his way of getting out of it. Not having to deal with what he REALLY is doing.

I have been contemplating the last few times I've worked with him, about pulling him aside & saying something like: " I respect you when you ask me not to do something that you do not like, & I expect the same in return. I do not like being touched, even in fun. I do not like talking about or being told about your sexual rendezvous. It makes me uncomfortable. I want to do this in a way that I am not giving him more power or that I may be seen as putting him down. I know body language is everything, as is tone of voice. I am a bit of a nervous person to begin with & I laugh a lot or smile a lot when I am nervous. Suggestions appreciated.


Moving on, I am not even sure this would be classed as "Sexual Harassment". Although I briefly looked it up for Canada. Okay, I don't even remember how it gets to this part, he just comes up to me, gets in my face, & proceeds to tell me about how his lady friend likes it when he goes down on her. Me: Really? C'mon (insert name here) I really don't care to know this, please stop it. HIM: You know it's alright (inserts my name here) it's okay for the other way around, & it's okay for the ladies, they love to squirt, cum on my face, **makes slurrppping noises**, cum on my face. ME: I slightly turn away from him & continue my task, as he keeps getting louder & louder, I finally plug my ears & start la la laing....UGH! He laughs, & walks off.


I'm asking for support, hopefully from some intelligent ladies or grown men on this site. This is embarrassing for me to even write. Every day he seems to get a little more power & that's from me. I'm just giving my power away. The last time I had sexual harassment in a work place, I went to the management, where they made me feel worse & that they needed to know explicit details (I am not someone that asks for help very often, but I am learning to). & I asked for them to just keep us in separate area's, they couldn't even do that, they wanted to see how it played out, & if it really was sexual harassment. I was 20 than, much younger emotionally.

I guess I know my own answer already. I just need to know if anyone has experience with this in their life & what they did to resolve it? At this time, quitting this job, is not what I want to do. I don't have close friends that I can bounce this info off of. I don't even know how long I'll keep this thread up for. :/ Help Please.


I guess I feel if though I can not do anything because I have instigated it at times or reacted immaturely & now nothing can really be done.

[Lunu]

From the way you've described the situation, I think he's feeding off of your reactions. It seems the majority of the things you've mentioned could have fizzled out if you'd just ignored him or been firm with him. There's no need for smirks etc. As for the last incident though, that's not acceptable. If you made it clear that you're not interesting in hearing him talk like that then he should have backed off. You need to be firm and professional and put your foot down and let him know quite sternly and maturely that it won't be tolerated otherwise you will be reporting him to management - putting your fingers in your ears and saying la la la is certainly not the right way of dealing with his behaviour and only invites him to come back for more IMO. Sorry you have to deal with such a person though, it's not a nice situation to be put in.

[Kemo1990]

"last time you were sexually harassed"? what kind of places are you working at

[Jasonk282]

If management doesn't care...HR will...if HR doesn't care a lawyer certainly will.

[LveNLrn]

From the way you've described the situation, I think he's feeding off of your reactions. It seems the majority of the things you've mentioned could have fizzled out if you'd just ignored him or been firm with him. There's no need for smirks etc. As for the last incident though, that's not acceptable. If you made it clear that you're not interesting in hearing him talk like that then he should have backed off. You need to be firm and professional and put your foot down and let him know quite sternly and maturely that it won't be tolerated otherwise you will be reporting him to management - putting your fingers in your ears and saying la la la is certainly not the right way of dealing with his behaviour and only invites him to come back for more IMO. Sorry you have to deal with such a person though, it's not a nice situation to be put in.

Thank You. I know this. I get really uncomfortable & I do not know what to do. I still do not feel good about myself inside, & I KNOW it shows big time. If I do speak with him & it persists, I am going to the owner. (which is management )

[Lunu]

Thank You. I know this. I get really uncomfortable & I do not know what to do. I still do not feel good about myself inside, & I KNOW it shows big time. If I do speak with him & it persists, I am going to the owner. (which is management )

If I were you I would have a couple of short and 'to the point' lines ready in mind to say directly to him. Practice them over a few times so that you're prepared to confidently say them and not be flustered when he approaches you. "I've told you not to speak to me in that way. If you do it again, I'll be reporting you to *the owner*" and walk away, for example.

I'm no expert though, this is just what I would do!

[Jeff203]

On a serious note....even if a co-worker is talking to someone else and it is loud enough for others to hear and offensive, it creates a hostile work environment. There are rules/laws against things like that and HR does take it seriously. I would probably tell the guy something like "I'd rather not hear your sexual stories because I have no interest in them" If he was intelligent at all, he would then know to stop or get fawked by the long cawk of HR.

[acrawlingchaos]

By the tone of your post, I am going to guess that you two endulge in childish behavior often.

Learn better to deal with the offender, simply do not respond to him. When you engage in the same childish behavior the banter becomes mutual, and legally/ethically you don't have a leg to stand on.

Otherwise, contact HR.

[britchick884]

You have 3 choices IMHO

Leave things as they are and put up with it/choose to ignore this guy completely
Go to HR with a complaint
Do nothing and leave the job

Should you choose to go to HR then you need to go with dates, times and descriptions of your grievances clearly written out.

When we choose (be it subconsciously) to play the victim card 24/7 then we can hardly be surprised when we do get victimized. Good luck OP

[LisaSkinnoble]

Does your employer not have a workplace safety/harassment policy? Your obligation is to inform the offender that his comments are not welcome and ask that the comments stop. If the behaviour persists, you need to escalate the issue to your manager, and then to HR.

You need to read Bill 168 which is a piece of occupational health and safety legislation regarding violence and harassment in the workplace that came into effect June 15, 2010. It's Ontario legislation, but I believe most provinces have similar legislation.

[LveNLrn]

If I were you I would have a couple of short and 'to the point' lines ready in mind to say directly to him. Practice them over a few times so that you're prepared to confidently say them and not be flustered when he approaches you. "I've told you not to speak to me in that way. If you do it again, I'll be reporting you to *the owner*" and walk away, for example.

I'm no expert though, this is just what I would do!

Thank You, the next shift I work with him, I have decided to take him aside, & say I know I have reacted childishly to you in the last couple of weeks, but I don't like to be treated this way, & I am asking you to please stop. If it continues I will be taking it to Management. I will give him some examples. I think I've been too passive to do it, but it has escalated, & even when I DO Ignore him, he just keeps going.

On a serious note....even if a co-worker is talking to someone else and it is loud enough for others to hear and offensive, it creates a hostile work environment. There are rules/laws against things like that and HR does take it seriously. I would probably tell the guy something like "I'd rather not hear your sexual stories because I have no interest in them" If he was intelligent at all, he would then know to stop or get fawked by the long cawk of HR.

Okay, thank you for changing your post.

By the tone of your post, I am going to guess that you two endulge in childish behavior often.

Learn better to deal with the offender, simply do not respond to him. When you engage in the same childish behavior the banter becomes mutual, and legally/ethically you don't have a leg to stand on.

Otherwise, contact HR.

Perhaps. I believe we are in emotion mind a lot rather than wise mind, since we both work about 50+ hour weeks.

You have 3 choices IMHO

Leave things as they are and put up with it/choose to ignore this guy completely
Go to HR with a complaint
Do nothing and leave the job

Should you choose to go to HR then you need to go with dates, times and descriptions of your grievances clearly written out.

When we choose (be it subconsciously) to play the victim card 24/7 then we can hardly be surprised when we do get victimized. Good luck OP

I have not written down dates of past incidences. Yes, I do not wish to play victim & have decided to take action. Thank you. The worst thing I can continue to do is let it persist not just for myself, but any other young ladies that may turn a blind eye or not feel they can confront a person like so.

Does your employer not have a workplace safety/harassment policy? Your obligation is to inform the offender that his comments are not welcome and ask that the comments stop. If the behaviour persists, you need to escalate the issue to your manager, and then to HR.

You need to read Bill 168 which is a piece of occupational health and safety legislation regarding violence and harassment in the workplace that came into effect June 15, 2010. It's Ontario legislation, but I believe most provinces have similar legislation.

I don't think so. There was an issue a few months back with another lady (she was management for some staff) & nothing was done about it. This is the restaurant business, which attracts a lot of very weak people & ( I admit I Am one of them ), but I am aware of it, & I work very hard to correct it. I am not accepted among my peers, I don't drink, I don't party, ect ect. Long story short. I kind of figure nothing will be done about it, maybe he will be fired as he's been going down hill as of late. Maybe they'll put something in place, as they've told me many a time they don't want to lose someone like me. At least I can know that I DID take action for myself.

I have been looking for other work on the side. A plus is, about 2 months ago I had an on the work accident, & they said don't worry about the bills we will pay for it.

Thank you I will read it.

[Sami76]

No one can take your power - you give it to them. Take some deep breaths, poise yourself, and make it clear that you are not to be messed with. And at 6' tall with a muscular build, I think you could probably get most guys to back off.

[whatevergirl]

I'm so glad I work from home, now. Oh, the work place drama...how I remember it.

I'd go to your HR Dept, and have this on file. I went through sexual harassmant with an employer many moons ago, and eventually, there was a witness to his antics, and between my going to HR, and that witness, he was eventually fired.

Talking to you about 'squirting' and his sexual prowess, is not appropriate.

Good luck to you; that's what I would do, though. Employers have come a long way in how they take seriously sexual harassment claims. This guy is a lawsuit truly waiting to happen. I wouldn't engage with him anymore, and go to HR.

[Lourissa]

Yes, it's a power struggle. The best thing you can do is, as others have said, first practice your responses to him. What's you've already come up with sounds good - you don't want to hear it, it makes you uncomfortable, and he needs to stop it now (Do this firmly - resist the urge to make it sound light or joking. It sounds like you're past that point). Then do your absolute best to ignore him no matter how loud he gets. If he keeps going, let him make a prat out of himself desperately trying to get a rise out of you and just keep absolutely silent. Make a record of it ever time it happens in case you need it. If he doesn't directly get in your face, like in the first example you described, just ignore whatever he's muttering about. If he prods you, smile and say you really don't care. If he tries poking fun of you to other staff, shrug it off. By prodding you and saying you're grumpy, he's making you LOOK grumpy so if you can manage to roll your eyes and smile and whoever he's talking to, he looks like the idiot.

You're absolutely right, by the way, "Oh I was only joking" is a complete deflection, unless it's followed by, "Sorry, didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Won't happen again". It makes you the mean, humourless bitch and he's the poor misunderstood joker. It's a cheap tactic that people use to wriggle out of blame when they say something innappropriate and don't like being called on it.

Your plan for dealing with him is sound - let us know how it turns out!

[PotatosGonPotat]

Sounds like two kids mocking each other. He found your weak point and he is picking on it. Your weak point is your sensitivity and frustration of people's behaviors. Work on this and you'll have no problem. I wouldn't call this sexual harassment even though it's very inappropriate but you are playing this game as well. You are at fault too. My advice to you is to be professional and focus on your job.


edit- Once you have confronted him "Do not threaten him by saying you'll take this to management" .. You're just provoking the situation even more by doing so

[UgotItbad]

Came in looking to get turned on by something vulgar.... saw story book of life, leaving very dissapointed

[LveNLrn]

I'm so glad I work from home, now. Oh, the work place drama...how I remember it.

I'd go to your HR Dept, and have this on file. I went through sexual harassmant with an employer many moons ago, and eventually, there was a witness to his antics, and between my going to HR, and that witness, he was eventually fired.

Talking to you about 'squirting' and his sexual prowess, is not appropriate.

Good luck to you; that's what I would do, though. Employers have come a long way in how they take seriously sexual harassment claims. This guy is a lawsuit truly waiting to happen. I wouldn't engage with him anymore, and go to HR.

I just wanted to get back to you here, so that I don't keep on bumping up that thread. We don't have an HR department, I'd have to figure out where it is in the city is my only guess. I know I can figure it out.

I am coming from a bit of a life of use & abuse, so although I know when things are not right, I still cannot be sure if they're wrong. If that makes sense. Mainly I apologize for being born on a daily basis. What I am most embarrassed about is the fact that I have been "playing" this game too. It's like I've dug myself a hole I cannot get out of.

Im ready to accept my consequences. What I have also done has been inappropriate.

Yes, it's a power struggle. The best thing you can do is, as others have said, first practice your responses to him. What's you've already come up with sounds good - you don't want to hear it, it makes you uncomfortable, and he needs to stop it now (Do this firmly - resist the urge to make it sound light or joking. It sounds like you're past that point). Then do your absolute best to ignore him no matter how loud he gets. If he keeps going, let him make a prat out of himself desperately trying to get a rise out of you and just keep absolutely silent. Make a record of it ever time it happens in case you need it. If he doesn't directly get in your face, like in the first example you described, just ignore whatever he's muttering about. If he prods you, smile and say you really don't care. If he tries poking fun of you to other staff, shrug it off. By prodding you and saying you're grumpy, he's making you LOOK grumpy so if you can manage to roll your eyes and smile and whoever he's talking to, he looks like the idiot.

You're absolutely right, by the way, "Oh I was only joking" is a complete deflection, unless it's followed by, "Sorry, didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Won't happen again". It makes you the mean, humourless bitch and he's the poor misunderstood joker. It's a cheap tactic that people use to wriggle out of blame when they say something innappropriate and don't like being called on it.

Your plan for dealing with him is sound - let us know how it turns out!

Yes, that is how the day ended, by him telling me that he is this Arsehole & I am a Bitch. For having a fcking opinion & defending myself. yea.

I am not a very loud person, & when I feel attacked, I can get just as abusive. :/ Like I mentioned I have consequences too. I am going to get back on track with myself again. I've had lots of other issues with others, that I have been able to work out, this one became abusive & quickly & I lost myself.

Thank you for your advice.

[LveNLrn]

Sounds like two kids mocking each other. He found your weak point and he is picking on it. Your weak point is your sensitivity and frustration of people's behaviors. Work on this and you'll have no problem. I wouldn't call this sexual harassment even though it's very inappropriate but you are playing this game as well. You are at fault too. My advice to you is to be professional and focus on your job.


edit- Once you have confronted him "Do not threaten him by saying you'll take this to management" .. You're just provoking the situation even more by doing so

Thank you I will focus on my job again. I think I am at fault as well. I agree.

I need to choose my words carefully, & I would not call it sexual harassment, but harassment. This is what I looked up:

http://www.chrc-ccdp.ca/publications...oc-eng.aspx#12

1.2 IDENTIFYING HARASSMENT

Unwelcome behaviour that demeans, humiliates, or embarrasses

Harassment is any behaviour that demeans, humiliates or embarrasses a person, and that a reasonable person should have known would be unwelcome. It includes actions (e.g. touching, pushing), comments (e.g. jokes, name-calling), or displays (e.g. posters, cartoons). The Canadian Human Rights Act prohibits harassment related to race, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, age, sex, marital status, family status, disability, pardoned conviction, or sexual orientation.

Disrespectful behaviour, commonly known as "personal" harassment is not covered by human rights legislation. While it also involves unwelcome behaviour that demeans or embarrasses an employee, the behaviour is not based on one of the prohibited grounds named above. Nevertheless, some employers choose to include personal harassment in their anti-harassment policies.

__________________________________________________ _______________________________________

[X-ring]

Go to Radio Shack and buy one of those mini voice activated cassette recorders.
You'll have all the evidence ya need to go to HR.
Time to document and use the 5 W's.
Been there, done that, profited....