problems with your partner!

[adoncia]

Hello girls!
I'm just starting taking care of myself (I'm 28 yrs old) and trying to get fit. My boyfriend not only doesn't support my efforts but also makes my life more difficult! He has a great fit body (never had been in my situation) and since the day we met I am very juicy and with 30% fat (and before that day of course). I have explained him that I want to change, since that will make me feel better, but he doesn't seem to be happy with my decision and seems like he can't stand it! Of course he always loved telling me what to do in life, besides my will, and I admid it, there were times I did what he wanted. But know that I am not, because I really want to transform my body, things are getting worse. With all the stress I have from work and my effort of melting my fat ang gaining muscle I really don't need that extra stress. Have you ever been in a similar situation? Even I should not expect from you telling me what to do, any advice from someone being in similar situation or not, would be helpful! I feel like to share my concerns and difficulties with people having similar goals in their lives. Feeling a bit better already.. That's really a big stress. I don't want to even think what is happening with my cortisol's levels :-(.

PS sorry for my english (i am not a native speaker) and thanks for listening!

[Sarah97]

Being in a relationship with someone who is so controlling of every aspect of your life is not good, obviously. It raises even more red flags when the other person is disapproving and even goes so far as to sabotage their partner's efforts to get healthy. He sounds like he has major self esteem and tendencies that could lead to abusive situations. I've been in a relationship like that, and I only regret not leaving it sooner. Of course, you deserve better. Perhaps you should take a break from him so you can focus on yourself.

[hannah7733]

Does he give you any reasons why he doesnt want you to lose the fat/gain muscle?
By the sounds of it he often stops you from doing certain things? If thats the case then you need to ask yourself if you really see the relationship going anywhere with him being that way. Maybe its time to put yourself first, forget about what he wants and think about you. Dont stress about it, if he doesnt like it then fine thats his problem but its your body and your life so its yours to decide what you do with it =]
Good luck

[adoncia]

thank you Sarah97 for your reply! it's really helpful to hear from a third what you know deep inside you it's true, but affraid to admit it!!

[Sarah97]

Sometimes it can be scary leaving a relationship, even if it/the other person makes you feel crappy. That being said, once the initial fear of being on your own goes away, it's so fulfilling learning to be independent and how to put yourself first. Good luck to you!

[adoncia]

To hannah7733. Not really, he didn't explain me why. We had an agressive discussion before and he just doesn't admit it. He tried to convince me that all my concerns are just in my mind, that everything it is far from reallity. Beleive me, that's not true! And yes he stops me of doing certain things. For example from my try to eat clean. E.g. he brings me food that i had explained him before I dont want to eat and he is trying to psychologically force me to eat it, even if I keep telling heim that nor me neither him would have any good gain from me eating that! Your words are so encouraged! I am just being so emotional sometimes! Thanks for your help!!!

[adoncia]

Thanks again!

[kjake55]

adoncia - what is it that he has said or done that makes you think he doesn't support your efforts?

Is he insecure. Does he feel he can only keep you if you are "juicy" (love that work choice btw ). Is it ethnic, are women from your region typically heavy? Maybe he can't see past his own upbringing in that regard. Maybe if you can point out to him what it is he is saying or doing that is unsupportive and why then you can possibly work it out.

If someone loves you then they will support your decisions providing they are not harmful and yours certainly are not harmful decisions. If he continues to be domineering then it's time to make other changes in your life as well. Sometimes we have to cut the "dead weight" that's holding us back along with the body weight that we are trying to get rid of. Good luck to you in all that you do.

[latebloomingmom]

he does not want you to change
he is afraid that by changing
you will gain the strength needed
to leave him
if he is a controller
then he will continue to use manipulation and control tactics
his behavior will get worse as you get better

[ReconRon1b847077]

he does not want you to change
he is afraid that by changing
you will gain the strength needed
to leave him

lol


He just likes girls with a little size, we are men, don't delve too deeply.

[latebloomingmom]

there is a difference between a partner/boyfriend/husband who states that he would prefer his partner not drop bodyfat so far down that she loses her curves, her boobz..and one who is actually trying to sabotage her efforts to improve herself

[Artemis00]

I was in a very similar situation with my ex (he was in good shape and would workout daily). When we first started dating I was at 115 lbs and grew to about 145 lbs within 8 years of the relationship. I wasn't happy at that weight, so I decided to get into better shape even though he would keep saying I looked fine. Whenever I tried to exercise, he would make fun of me for it. When I made the mistake of asking for his help, he had me doing drop sets for my first time lifting weights. After less than 15 minutes of that, I wasn't able to move my arms for a week. This was an excellent method for him to deter me from wanting to weight lift and I was naive at the time and knew nothing about lifting. Little by little, I started to lift on my own starting with low weight / high reps...but then eventually moved to heavy weight / low reps. At the point where I got down to 125 lbs, he was asking me why I was doing that and at that point it was just to become stronger. It got worse the more progress I made. I think it irritated him that I was making really good progress with 1/4 of the effort he was putting into working out and I didn't take any supplements, whereas he would take over 12 pills 3x a day and at last 3 protein shakes a day (an he certainly wasn't jacked). He didn't want me to get a gym membership and when we would go to the gym together (on vacation), he would rip me apart for the outfit I wore (wore that type of clothing before him, during him and after him), which was funny coming from a guy that only wore shirts with cutoff sleeves to the gym and would put gel in his hair before going. He then started having more issues with the clothing I was wearing, even though it was more conservative than the stuff I wore when we first started dating. He was only happy if I was not appealing to other guys. Like mentioned before by others...way too controlling and I wish I would have gotten out of the relationship a lot earlier. In the end he ended up leaving me for a woman that was much heavier that he kept referring to as fat. Get out if you can...you deserve better and then you can focus on getting in shape and reduce all that stress.

[Artemis00]

he does not want you to change
he is afraid that by changing
you will gain the strength needed
to leave him
if he is a controller
then he will continue to use manipulation and control tactics
his behavior will get worse as you get better

I agree 100% with this. He wants you to stay insecure cause then he has control. It is all about control

[Sarah97]

I agree 100% with this. He wants you to stay insecure cause then he has control. It is all about control

Exactly. That's how my ex was as well, similar to your story except he didn't work out much. Once I started he became even more controlling and continuously put me down for everything.

[latebloomingmom]

Hello girls!
I'm just starting taking care of myself (I'm 28 yrs old) and trying to get fit. My boyfriend not only doesn't support my efforts but also makes my life more difficult! He has a great fit body (never had been in my situation) and since the day we met I am very juicy and with 30% fat (and before that day of course). I have explained him that I want to change, since that will make me feel better, but he doesn't seem to be happy with my decision and seems like he can't stand it! Of course he always loved telling me what to do in life, besides my will, and I admid it, there were times I did what he wanted. But know that I am not, because I really want to transform my body, things are getting worse. With all the stress I have from work and my effort of melting my fat ang gaining muscle I really don't need that extra stress. Have you ever been in a similar situation? Even I should not expect from you telling me what to do, any advice from someone being in similar situation or not, would be helpful! I feel like to share my concerns and difficulties with people having similar goals in their lives. Feeling a bit better already.. That's really a big stress. I don't want to even think what is happening with my cortisol's levels :-(.

PS sorry for my english (i am not a native speaker) and thanks for listening!

To hannah7733. Not really, he didn't explain me why. We had an agressive discussion before and he just doesn't admit it. He tried to convince me that all my concerns are just in my mind, that everything it is far from reallity. Beleive me, that's not true! And yes he stops me of doing certain things. For example from my try to eat clean. E.g. he brings me food that i had explained him before I dont want to eat and he is trying to psychologically force me to eat it, even if I keep telling heim that nor me neither him would have any good gain from me eating that! Your words are so encouraged! I am just being so emotional sometimes! Thanks for your help!!!

these are the red flags I see in your posts....

[samanthaj]

Hello girls!
I'm just starting taking care of myself (I'm 28 yrs old) and trying to get fit. My boyfriend not only doesn't support my efforts but also makes my life more difficult! He has a great fit body (never had been in my situation) and since the day we met I am very juicy and with 30% fat (and before that day of course). I have explained him that I want to change, since that will make me feel better, but he doesn't seem to be happy with my decision and seems like he can't stand it! Of course he always loved telling me what to do in life, besides my will, and I admid it, there were times I did what he wanted. But know that I am not, because I really want to transform my body, things are getting worse. With all the stress I have from work and my effort of melting my fat ang gaining muscle I really don't need that extra stress. Have you ever been in a similar situation? Even I should not expect from you telling me what to do, any advice from someone being in similar situation or not, would be helpful! I feel like to share my concerns and difficulties with people having similar goals in their lives. Feeling a bit better already.. That's really a big stress. I don't want to even think what is happening with my cortisol's levels :-(.

PS sorry for my english (i am not a native speaker) and thanks for listening!

I have worked with women who have been experiencing difficult and at times abusive relationships, from what you have said he is being abusive towards you and is insecure in himself therefore not wanting you to change as change can promote fear and insecurities. Find support locally whether it be professionally or through friends, remember you want your friends to be objective of the situation. It is important that you take care of yourself, many womens aid organisations are there to offer advice and suppport and there is usually a free phone number that you can call. Society creates confusion around abusive relationships, it doesn't have to be physically violent to be abusive, it comes in many shapes and forms and controlling is one of them. A healthy relationship brings out the best in you, it doesn't stiffel you. Good luck and take care.

[Wyomann]

Whatever happened to commitment? Maybe they can work through it and he can figure out how to stop being a douche canoe. It doesn't always have to be about jumping ship and moving on does it?

I'm not saying she should stay or leave, just putting it out there.

[latebloomingmom]

sure..try counseling first if you choose. He must also committ to this.

[Sarah97]

Whatever happened to commitment? Maybe they can work through it and he can figure out how to stop being a douche canoe. It doesn't always have to be about jumping ship and moving on does it?

I'm not saying she should stay or leave, just putting it out there.

Holy ****. I thought I was the only one that said douche canoe.

[Wyomann]

Holy ****. I thought I was the only one that said douche canoe.

Nope, its rare cause only awesome people use it.

[sy2502]

To hannah7733. Not really, he didn't explain me why. We had an agressive discussion before and he just doesn't admit it.

Controlling partner = bad
Aggressive controlling partner = very bad

[thepowerwithin]

If there is one very important lesson I've learned through my life's ups and downs is to always stay true to yourself. You can't stop being who you are. If it's important to you, then it should be important enough to your significant other to support you <------ That's love. The other is not.

[adoncia]

Thanks to you all for the help! That's a lot food for thought! I will post to the discussion tomorrow,though, since here is a bit late now..
Take care, you all!

[RedNegAid]

Sometimes it can be scary leaving a relationship, even if it/the other person makes you feel crappy. That being said, once the initial fear of being on your own goes away, it's so fulfilling learning to be independent and how to put yourself first. Good luck to you!

This, even from my perspective as a man, is true. Dump him if he can't change...

BTW, your english is fine (SRS, no WK).

[adoncia]

Thanks to you all for the help! That's a lot food for thought! I will post to the discussion tomorrow,though, since here is a bit late now..
Take care, you all!

[LilT1026]

I agree with the above posters and I'm sorry your partner cannot be more supportive. My husband has continued to support and love me throughout my weight fluctuations and is my biggest supporter with my current body transformation efforts. Good luck to you and I hope you never stop trying to improve yourself!

[adoncia]

Hi to everyone! It's morning and I am fresh, being more capable to answer.
Sarah97 indeed I feel scary leaving the relationship, afraid of lonelyness! But there is also another one issue. I've tried leaving also in the past lots of times without any success. He always finds ways not to let me go or to come back and because I am insecure, he suceed. That's one of the reasons I want to change, to get more selfconfident and stronger (as Artemis00 said). He always take back the controll as he threats me he is going to suiside, οr leaving the country for ever, he spies on me, he says that it will kill him if he ever seeing me with another bf and he affraid of his reaction, he comes under my flat and waits for me to come from a day/night out, he threats me that he will find me whenever I go if I move (I am leaving in a small country with less than a million population). I am feeling guilty somehow saing all that for him, but maybe that's a way to find the strenght to leave.
Kjake55 that's just an example of what he does. Yesterday abused me eat a very fat meal, not physically, but telling me: " I thought of you and my own mother packed it for you. I can't dissappoint her... If you don't eat it I will trash it but don't ever-ever tell me that you cheat on your programme! In such a case I will never again have lunch with you! You should had been thankful for what I did!'' I sugested to freese it and defrost it for him a day that he would be hungry -it's totally fine with that kind of food- but he trashed it and left really angry hiding the table, door, etc. Then called me to meed me, I did't accept and he sweety told me goodnight and that he love me, eccepting of course to said the same too.
He is absolutetly controller using latebloomingmom's words, trying to controll also the duration of my training sessions. Also I MUST never call him with his name, instead of that I should use words like ''my love'', etc, and before bedtime I abolutely have to tell him "I love you very much'', even if I don't feel like to tell that that day.
Kjake55 I also assumed that he is insecure and maybe as ReconRon1 said he might just like "girls with a little size''. He also told me that. Oh I need a professional help obviously with all that thoughts!
Artemis I have also the issue with the clothes!
My father died from my early years, so I do not have an example of how relationships are supposed to be. At the begging I just thought that all that were done from his love and fear of loosing me..Now, I don't know.
Samanthaj I thing I will follow your advice for professional help.

Thanks also to Wyomann,SY2502,RegNegaid.

Oh, RegNegaid, thanks for ''your english is fine (SRS, no WK)''. Do you still have the same opinion? And what WK means?

LilT1026 I am happy for you! That's love should be I guess!

edit: not ''whenever'', wherever. not hiding, hiting. not leaving in a contry, living

[UnaChispita]

Hi to everyone! It's morning and I am fresh, being more capable to answer.
Sarah97 indeed I feel scary leaving the relationship, afraid of lonelyness! But there is also another one issue. I've tried leaving also in the past lots of times without any success. He always finds ways not to let me go or to come back and because I am insecure, he suceed. That's one of the reasons I want to change, to get more selfconfident and stronger (as Artemis00 said). He always take back the controll as he threats me he is going to suiside, οr leaving the country for ever, he spies on me, he says that it will kill him if he ever seeing me with another bf and he affraid of his reaction, he comes under my flat and waits for me to come from a day/night out, he threats me that he will find me whenever I go if I move (I am leaving in a small country with less than a million population). I am feeling guilty somehow saing all that for him, but maybe that's a way to find the strenght to leave.
Kjake55 that's just an example of what he does. Yesterday abused me eat a very fat meal, not physically, but telling me: " I thought of you and my own mother packed it for you. I can't dissappoint her... If you don't eat it I will trash it but don't ever-ever tell me that you cheat on your programme! In such a case I will never again have lunch with you! You should had been thankful for what I did!'' I sugested to freese it and defrost it for him a day that he would be hungry -it's totally fine with that kind of food- but he trashed it and left really angry hiding the table, door, etc. Then called me to meed me, I did't accept and he sweety told me goodnight and that he love me, eccepting of course to said the same too.
He is absolutetly controller using latebloomingmom's words, trying to controll also the duration of my training sessions. Also I MUST never call him with his name, instead of that I should use words like ''my love'', etc, and before bedtime I abolutely have to tell him "I love you very much'', even if I don't feel like to tell that that day.
Kjake55 I also assumed that he is insecure and maybe as ReconRon1 said he might just like "girls with a little size''. He also told me that. Oh I need a professional help obviously with all that thoughts!
Artemis I have also the issue with the clothes!
My father died from my early years, so I do not have an example of how relationships are supposed to be. At the begging I just thought that all that were done from his love and fear of loosing me..Now, I don't know.
Samanthaj I thing I will follow your advice for professional help.

edit: not ''whenever'', wherever. not hiding, hiting

Adoncia,
I bolded the parts of your post that worry me a lot.

In my country, these are signs of being in a bad relationship (an abusive relationship).

There are different types of abuse: Sometimes the man hits. But other times it is things he says. If he is making you feel guilty, threatening to commit suicide, spying, saying he will find you, forcing you to say you love him--this is also abusive.

In my country we call these acts coercive (forcing) and intimidating (frightening).

If you decide to leave, is there a place you can stay where he cannot find you?

I have worked with women who have been experiencing difficult and at times abusive relationships, from what you have said he is being abusive towards you and is insecure in himself therefore not wanting you to change as change can promote fear and insecurities. Find support locally whether it be professionally or through friends, remember you want your friends to be objective of the situation. It is important that you take care of yourself, many womens aid organisations are there to offer advice and suppport and there is usually a free phone number that you can call. Society creates confusion around abusive relationships, it doesn't have to be physically violent to be abusive, it comes in many shapes and forms and controlling is one of them. A healthy relationship brings out the best in you, it doesn't stiffel you. Good luck and take care.

^^^^This. I am not sure what resources are available where you live. Is there a place where you can get help if you need it?

Also: has he hit you or pushed you?

[adoncia]

UnaChispita, thank you for your help. There aren't a lot of resources available. I will try to find any, if there are. If not, I am going to a psychologist... I really think to move in another town. Yet I can't do that until the end of August, so I guess I will have a drama situation until then if I tell him now I want to leave the relationship. Even if taking the decision to leave, I feel scared, as in a discussion we had in the past he told me that if I ever ''disappear'' I will learn his tragic end from the news in TV. I feel trapped. We tried to work it out, I tried to leave from the relationship as gently as possible some times (leading to failure), I also moved one time (in the same city though, again with no success). At my mum's house in countryside I can't move, as he knows it. Nor to a friend.. Thanks again, and I hope I will find a solution!!! Now I 've heart all that from all you I know that I can't anymore be in that relationship.

[UnaChispita]

UnaChispita, thank you for your help. There aren't a lot of resources available. I will try to find any, if there are. If not, I am going to a psychologist... I really think to move in another town. Yet I can't do that until the end of August, so I guess I will have a drama situation until then if I tell him now I want to leave the relationship. Even if taking the decision to leave, I feel scared, as in a discussion we had in the past he told me that if I ever ''disappear'' I will learn his tragic end from the news in TV. I feel trapped. We tried to work it out, I tried to leave from the relationship as gently as possible some times (leading to failure), I also moved one time (in the same city though, again with no success). At my mum's house in countryside I can't move, as he knows it. Nor to a friend.. Thanks again, and I hope I will find a solution!!! Now I 've heart all that from all you I know that I can't anymore be in that relationship.

I think it is a good idea for you to talk to a psychologist. Maybe they can help you find some resources too. Is there one you can call right now and get an appointment?

When he tells you he will kill himself, it is only to trick you.--to manipulate you to stay.

Adoncia, I am worried for your safety.