How important is physical attraction?

[cozener]

do you feel that in a relationship..each party has a responsibility to themselves and
their partner to maintain their own health and physical fitness?




is this an unfair expectation to have for your partner?
does this make you superficial/shallow?

It's fair to have this expectation if both parties involved are into fitness and went into the relationship under the impression that fitness was a lifestyle choice for both folks. If one of them after a few years decides to chuck it all and let themselves get out of shape then the other certainly does have reason to be unhappy about it.

If both partners entered into the relationship shirking the responsibility that ALL people have to themselves to stay in some kind of shape then the one that suddenly decides to get in shape can't really complain about it if their partner doesn't.

If you have two fitness people and one of them gets into a horrible accident that prevents them from working out and the other one bitches about it that person should be slapped the crap out of.

To the original question, yes, looks are very important but more in terms of first impressions. I'm not going to approach a woman that I don't find attractive. Chances are, that woman isn't going to be particularly receptive to my advances if she doesn't find me attractive. That said, I find it highly unlikely that someone would fall in love with someone they don't find physically attractive. But as we've discussed here before, there's "in love" and there's "love".

[latebloomingmom]

ah yes, Coz but you just hit the nail on the head didnt ya..so many couples who are initially very much attracted to each other physically in the beginning...well sometimes this dynamic will change over time..
I see quite a few people (esp in the fem section) wanting to know how to get their wife or girlfriend back into shape... some think this is a horrible thing to try to do to another person. I understand that it is a touchy subject in a relationship but to deny the fact that you now find your mate a little less desirable then you used to because of whatever..letting herself go.
well does this not also hinder the relationship over time? You can still love and care for someone that you do not find physically appealing but I think you should also at least admit if only to yourself that you do miss the way she ( or he) used to be..

[cozener]

I, in no way whatsoever, dispute that last point. There's a saying, "the heart wants what the heart wants". Well...you can say the same thing about a person's genitalia. It can't be helped. You can't make yourself want someone and if you no longer want your spouse because they've become unattractive to you that's just how it is. Reason, or lack thereof, doesn't even come into play. And I would agree that one should admit this to oneself...for starters.

[sakustoms]

My opinion (and that's all it is) is that there has to be that initial physical attraction for two people to be interested in the beginning.

But, if a relationship is to ensue, there has to be so much more. I've dated women I found to be attractive but after getting to know them, found them to be that much more attractive.

This can also work the other way. Looks will fade but personality traits will be with us forever, and are SO much more important.

[Dirk57]

[Old-Time-Lifter]

But that doesn't mean the people he married were not attracted to him, does it? Perhaps being attracted to someone has less to do with their physicality than one would think. Funny intelligent men trump pretty boys any day in my book.

Thank goodness I'm already taken as it appears I'd have no shot with Rowyn.

[themyth2009]

Thank goodness I'm already taken as it appears I'd have no shot with Rowyn.

Roy who are tou kidding you got it all...

[Simpy]

Roy who are tou kidding you got it all...

have you been drinking some of my stash?

[themyth2009]

have you been drinking some of my stash?

Tired as hell....was out drinking until 4am Sat night. Hardly slept at all.

[Old-Time-Lifter]

Roy who are tou kidding you got it all...

LMAO!

have you been drinking some of my stash?

I'd check the inventory...

Tired as hell....was out drinking until 4am Sat night. Hardly slept at all.

You're too old for that chite, knock it off ya old fart!

[Phattso]

A caring, funny, smiling, smart and semi-fit lady is more physically attractive to me than a lady who is defined as attractive by society.

[themyth2009]

LMAO!



I'd check the inventory...


You're too old for that chite, knock it off ya old fart!

The girl I was with balanced our ages out.....

[latebloomingmom]

Tired as hell....was out drinking until 4am Sat night. Hardly slept at all.

uhhhh this is now monday isnt it??




whew must a been a heck of a looker for being what? 60?

[themyth2009]

uhhhh this is now monday isnt it??




whew must a been a heck of a looker for being what? 60?

Hence the too old comment. I got up early for work today on top of it.

[latebloomingmom]

Hence the too old comment. I got up early for work today on top of it.

well it is monday...people gotta work ya know..sunday was not enough time to recuperate?
maybe ya ought quit letting those twenty-something year old cuties lead you out on the dance floor?
just an idea
I hear knitting is a lot of fun!
oh wait these are young ones..
ok how about hopscotch? jump rope?
well I was gonna say Jacks but that would involve
bouncing your balls..

[PunkyCindy]

I think it just depends on who you are, but in my marriage weight has never effected attraction. When we met we were in high school, he was skinny and so was I. Through the years we've been up and down in weight. Over the last year he lost 95 lbs and is now the same weight as when we met, and I have gone from 245 down to 201 now . We've been married 7 years now. Attraction has always been there for us. I will say that when he lost all his weight and I lost some (still working on it) sex got better, and we definitely noticed the differences, but we were always attracted to the other. I can say that I don't think a relationship would work without physical attraction, but sometimes physical attraction can't really be separated from how you feel about someone. (the movie "shallow hal" comes to mind lol) I find his increased confidence more attractive than the actual changes to his body also. Such a complicated question.

[MichaelCJ]

sooo I was having a conversation today with a friend of mine on this topic.
How important is this in a relationship?
Only important for the initial meeting and dating part?
What about for the life of the marriage/relationship?
I said yes, it is possible to maintain a relationship even if that part may not be as strong as it was
in the beginning..he disagreed and said that if that element is missing then the relationship is
ultimately doomed...
thoughts on this?

My thoughts on this are that attractiveness is hardly ever* strongly influenced by genetics, and indeed can usually (quite easily!) be *dramatically* increased or descreased, courtesy of health, fitness, confidence, clothing, less clothing, and so on.

Following on from that, I feel that it should be a priority of both partners to make sure they're looking good. Not THE HIGHEST priority, okay, but one of them. It's one way of saying "you matter enough to me". Funnily enough, it's also one way of saying "I matter to me"...

Basic respect, mutuality, etc.

How many times do you see that classic scenario - people look good ("enough") while seeking a partner, leading up to getting together / marriage, and for a short while after. Then what happens? Ah yes... that. :/

"Now I have you, why bother looking good any more." Charming. And yes, this kind of thinking, subconscious though it likely is - how many people admit this kind of crap, even to themselves?! - will "doom" a relationship, in many a case. Unless they work on those issues, quick smart. Some genuinely intend to, and manage to actually do it. Most... not so much, on whichever count.


* Read: not never. Rarely, though. A minority of cases.


tl;dr: Yes, it matters. Unless it's a sexless arrangement, it matters considerably. In particular, considerably more than is comfortable for quite a few "shacked up" folks to openly admit.

[Lou1se]

Just a thought, but have you tried offering her a gym membership instead of a 'honey, your stuff is still in the closet' approach? Much though I loathe group classes and things like zumba, they do seem to appeal to a heck of a lot of women. Perhaps if she found something like that fun, well, it's a start! You also don't mention if she is home a lot (stay at home mom), but she might really welcome a chance to get out of the house.

I like your suggestion IAGD. It is great to have a change from daily, weekly routines.. She will get her motivation back and find inspiration from other gym members

[Lou1se]

First impression upon meeting, hmmm niiiice But that isn't enough for a relationship to blossom and move on to bigger and better things. It's what's within that keeps the fire going. Personality is everything to me, I love to laugh and a man who has principals and walks the talk is highly attractive(lots of desirable traits have already been covered here).. Physical appearance is a bonus in the end but not so important. And it is true, that if your long time partner is smoking hot then s/he better buy a good pair of high performance running shoes

[latebloomingmom]

heeeey what is this???
new responses? I will come back and read them a little bit later on I promise!

[GuyJin]

Is this before the beer goggles effect or after?



In the begining stages, yes, I'd say it's very important. You want to be with the person who fits your idea of attractive or handsome or pretty or easy or....

Then, if the relationship develops, of course you notice the other person's strong and weak points, and take it from there. If you stay together, then wedding bells and diaper smells.

However, once the body ages as it inevitably must, then there's the personality thing and if you married an airhead and all you got is a great body (either yours or his/hers) which don't look so hot anymore, then it isn't going to be much of a relationship.

Or, you can just dump the person you're with and find someone half their age....

[drudixon]

Warning: Personal Stuff. Advice welcome.

Great thread topic, and very relevant to my current situation. My wife and I have been having troubles, and they've come to a head via her realization that she was being attracted to other men, not me. We've shed a lot of tears, had a lot of honest talk and are still together. She's said I'm a good father, a good husband, I look fantastic and a good lover, but her attraction to me isn't there any more. I did many things to kill the attraction over time, chiefly neglect of romantic things. She wants to be attracted to me to make this work, but atm we're stuck in best friend realm. The fact that she's even willing to try now is a big step for us.
We're going to a counselor Monday for the first time to discuss this. I think we're at the point where she's willing now to begin dating again. I've taken great care to be a good listener, pay compliments (sincere), make the house immaculate so she has no home stress, and I am full-time care giver to our 6 year old son. We haven't had romance since this ordeal unfolded, but I plan for our next encounter to have some "games" or maybe play "doctor" to introduce an element of unpredictability.
I agree with those who've said a relationship without attraction is dead, which is where my marriage will be if I can't get this going. Any advice from y'all to help would be really appreciated.

PS. I have nobody to talk to about this, and frankly in this situation, random strangers on the internet are actually a good source of objective information. My parents just want to pray about it. I'm not talking to friends about it because I don't want to create any stress later should my wife and I reconcile. My best friend and his wife don't want to see me hurt, so they're not supportive of maintaining the marriage. I'm not one to vocalize issues, however this is the most important thing I've been through, so I'm game for anything.

[latebloomingmom]

My thoughts on this are that attractiveness is hardly ever* strongly influenced by genetics, and indeed can usually (quite easily!) be *dramatically* increased or descreased, courtesy of health, fitness, confidence, clothing, less clothing, and so on.

Following on from that, I feel that it should be a priority of both partners to make sure they're looking good. Not THE HIGHEST priority, okay, but one of them. It's one way of saying "you matter enough to me". Funnily enough, it's also one way of saying "I matter to me"...

Basic respect, mutuality, etc.

How many times do you see that classic scenario - people look good ("enough") while seeking a partner, leading up to getting together / marriage, and for a short while after. Then what happens? Ah yes... that. :/
"Now I have you, why bother looking good any more." Charming. And yes, this kind of thinking, subconscious though it likely is - how many people admit this kind of crap, even to themselves?! - will "doom" a relationship, in many a case. Unless they work on those issues, quick smart. Some genuinely intend to, and manage to actually do it. Most... not so much, on whichever count.


* Read: not never. Rarely, though. A minority of cases.


tl;dr: Yes, it matters. Unless it's a sexless arrangement, it matters considerably. In particular, considerably more than is comfortable for quite a few "shacked up" folks to openly admit.

you have an interesting writing style but I think I gotcha on most of your points.
I think most of us agree that physical attraction in the beginning is what prompts you to ask that other person out for a date or it is what propels you across the dance floor to ask for that dance, a drink , cup of coffee, phone number..
In a long term relationship, physical attraction is only one part of the equation..not the only part but IT IS a part of it and when that no longer is there for one or both partners??? can it be compensated for if the marriage is strong enough in other areas?

[latebloomingmom]

Warning: Personal Stuff. Advice welcome.

Great thread topic, and very relevant to my current situation. My wife and I have been having troubles, and they've come to a head via her realization that she was being attracted to other men, not me. We've shed a lot of tears, had a lot of honest talk and are still together. She's said I'm a good father, a good husband, I look fantastic and a good lover, but her attraction to me isn't there any more. I did many things to kill the attraction over time, chiefly neglect of romantic things. She wants to be attracted to me to make this work, but atm we're stuck in best friend realm. The fact that she's even willing to try now is a big step for us.
We're going to a counselor Monday for the first time to discuss this. I think we're at the point where she's willing now to begin dating again. I've taken great care to be a good listener, pay compliments (sincere), make the house immaculate so she has no home stress, and I am full-time care giver to our 6 year old son. We haven't had romance since this ordeal unfolded, but I plan for our next encounter to have some "games" or maybe play "doctor" to introduce an element of unpredictability.
I agree with those who've said a relationship without attraction is dead, which is where my marriage will be if I can't get this going. Any advice from y'all to help would be really appreciated.

PS. I have nobody to talk to about this, and frankly in this situation, random strangers on the internet are actually a good source of objective information. My parents just want to pray about it. I'm not talking to friends about it because I don't want to create any stress later should my wife and I reconcile. My best friend and his wife don't want to see me hurt, so they're not supportive of maintaining the marriage. I'm not one to vocalize issues, however this is the most important thing I've been through, so I'm game for anything.

I am a big fan of counseling. Yes, go! I think both of you will feel better having a third party to talk to.
Go SLOW...do not push for immediate changes to occur..we as human being want what we want and we want them right now! Your wife has to come to these decisions on her own for she is the one in conflict right now..counseling will help her sort everything out..
these problems that have occured in your marriage developed over time...
they did not occur overnight and cannot be fixed in a day..

[cozener]

Warning: Personal Stuff. Advice welcome.

Great thread topic, and very relevant to my current situation. My wife and I have been having troubles, and they've come to a head via her realization that she was being attracted to other men, not me. We've shed a lot of tears, had a lot of honest talk and are still together. She's said I'm a good father, a good husband, I look fantastic and a good lover, but her attraction to me isn't there any more. I did many things to kill the attraction over time, chiefly neglect of romantic things. She wants to be attracted to me to make this work, but atm we're stuck in best friend realm. The fact that she's even willing to try now is a big step for us.
We're going to a counselor Monday for the first time to discuss this. I think we're at the point where she's willing now to begin dating again. I've taken great care to be a good listener, pay compliments (sincere), make the house immaculate so she has no home stress, and I am full-time care giver to our 6 year old son. We haven't had romance since this ordeal unfolded, but I plan for our next encounter to have some "games" or maybe play "doctor" to introduce an element of unpredictability.
I agree with those who've said a relationship without attraction is dead, which is where my marriage will be if I can't get this going. Any advice from y'all to help would be really appreciated.

PS. I have nobody to talk to about this, and frankly in this situation, random strangers on the internet are actually a good source of objective information. My parents just want to pray about it. I'm not talking to friends about it because I don't want to create any stress later should my wife and I reconcile. My best friend and his wife don't want to see me hurt, so they're not supportive of maintaining the marriage. I'm not one to vocalize issues, however this is the most important thing I've been through, so I'm game for anything.

Just one thing...don't accept all the blame dru. It isn't all all your fault. I'm telling you this because it appears from what you said that you think it's all your fault an so does your wife. No. Fk that. She can't just sit back and expect you to do all the work to keep the romance alive and you can't maintain that. It's too much for one person to carry. You have to help each other rekindle this if that is, in fact, what you want.

[latebloomingmom]

I think..the loss of libido may just be a symptom..loss of romance..I think she may be dealing with some issues that she may need to work thru
such as forgiveness, hostility, resentment for past wrongs..
I am NOT saying it is all the husband's fault when the wife is unhappy.
she is unhappy with parts of your relationship..
she has a different idea in her head of what she would like your marriage to be..
if you are doing all the giving and she is now doing all the taking? this does not mean
it has fixed the underlying issues she may be carrying around with her..

[cozener]

I am NOT saying it is all the husband's fault when the wife is unhappy.

For my part, I didn't think you were saying that at all.

[themyth2009]

Just one thing...don't accept all the blame dru. It isn't all all your fault. I'm telling you this because it appears from what you said that you think it's all your fault an so does your wife. No. Fk that. She can't just sit back and expect you to do all the work to keep the romance alive and you can't maintain that. It's too much for one person to carry. You have to help each other rekindle this if that is, in fact, what you want.

This x 2. Also no disrespect man but nut up dude. I am doing this, I am doing that, WTH is she doing? She is now willing to do this? That is very big of her.

You know what if a woman said those things to me she would be done.

[latebloomingmom]

no one should have to fetch and carry, cater to all the needs of another human being
for someone to expect this of another human being is unrealistic.
give and take, compromise, communication..
I do something nice for you today out of the goodness of my heart
you do something nice for me tomorrow..because you choose to do so..
two people that come together by choice each day..
I willingly give you my time, my committment, my respect, and admiration
and I expect no less from you in return.

[latebloomingmom]

For my part, I didn't think you were saying that at all.

should it scare me how much you and I think alike sometimes?