How important is physical attraction?

[gray73]

Just a thought, but have you tried offering her a gym membership instead of a 'honey, your stuff is still in the closet' approach? Much though I loathe group classes and things like zumba, they do seem to appeal to a heck of a lot of women. Perhaps if she found something like that fun, well, it's a start! You also don't mention if she is home a lot (stay at home mom), but she might really welcome a chance to get out of the house.

She's a stay at home mom. She has a part time job but for the better part of the day is at home. I've never thought about it, to be honest. Not really sure why I didn't. I am sure she would respond quite well to some alone time.
Thanks for your suggestions.

[Dr.Griefo]

When me and my current wife got together she was an exercise fanatic. She watched what she ate and worked out religiously. She was a genuine hottie.
She had my youngest child two years ago and since then has been on a steady decline. She has gotten quite big. She no longer works out, she eats junk food and is not active much at all to be honest. She is always complaining about her weight and is very self-conscience about it.
I still find her attractive. Not nearly as much as I used to though, but I still love her very much.
I work out at home. I have a weight room in my basement and I work out five days a week. She still has her equipment (treadmill, jump ropes, balls, dumbbells, etc.) but they are all tucked away neatly in a closet and hasn't been touched in over two years. I have hinted to her that she should get back on the wagon, but it seems to be going over her head. I don't know how to tell her how I feel without hurting her. She has asked me many times if I still find her attractive and I tell her the truth. I still do. I just don't know how to tell her she is dangerously close to the point that I won't anymore.
Any suggestions?

You are overthinking this. It's simple. Get her gear out of storage, set it up next to yours and tell her that you want to spend more time with her and would she like to work out with you? Have nice chats while working out together, listen to her and make her feel welcome.

[dungeonmistress]

You constantly impress me DM!
Also, looks and sexual attraction can be two different things...(hard to grasp for some)

For the folks that rely only on looks.. good luck kiddos because the clock is ticking and sometimes genetics just doesn't care.

My first husband was thr looker. We Divorced. Second husband most ppl wouldn't look twice at; when I was younger I wouldnt have ever given him a shot. He was beautiful
Inside. We had a lot in common; so much in fact that I thought he was my soulmate. Rip man, I think about u often and sometimes shed a tear when I hear a song or do something that conjures up ur memory.

[itsagoodday]

She's a stay at home mom. She has a part time job but for the better part of the day is at home. I've never thought about it, to be honest. Not really sure why I didn't. I am sure she would respond quite well to some alone time.
Thanks for your suggestions.

It's worth giving it a shot, anyway! I am not a mom, but I am self-employed and work at home sitting in front of the computer 7 days a week, and managed to eat and sit my way into obesity. I tried many times to get myself exercising at home, and failed every time. There was always something else I felt like I should have been doing... answering emails, fulfilling orders, designing, whatever. So I never got anything done, because I felt so guilty with the thought that if I was at home, I should have been working. Best thing I did was join a gym in November and *finally* got into exercise that I both enjoyed and could stick with, and the best part is that I'm not at home! No guilt = awesome.

[Frnkd]

Hey, hey, hey. Dead serious here. I am Mrs Flexy. No one's avi, and I mean no one's avi, makes me go to their profile or PM them. You need to understand that. If I knew how to make it in huge bold font, I would. Mrs Flexy.

If I say someone has a nice avi, it's because it's nice. Not because I am interested in them. I tell plenty of women they have a nice avi too. And I rep those gals. And if you notice, Mr Myth's avi, was not of himself alone, but with a lovely young lady. That's why I found it nice.

Jiminy Crickets! I told Bodyhard that his shoes are great. I've told Ms Simpy that she looks like Shania Twain. I think Kimm4 is gorgeous, and I'm sure I've told her so. I've met Discdoggie IRL and told her she's gorgeous and looks like Farrah Fawcett. I've had nverstopworking (Wayne) in my kitchen and told him that he is handsome and a nice lad. And I am completely genuine in those remarks, but that doesn't mean I'm e-stalking them or even thinking of putting the moves on them.

You got that straight??


Now, speaking of nvrstopworking, he's way overdue for a steak here.

I was not implying anything accept that on any site a person's avi is probably the first thing that people notice, and would influence whether you might read a post or not, hence the " physical " attraction can be what draws a person to him or her, just what the OP is saying.... So when Lisa mentioned it, ( someones avi) it was an example of what the OP was talking about......Hmmmmmmmm means to me what an interesting thought!

Metaphorically speaking it was a great example.

If it implied any more than that I apologize, I will be more clear in my observations and thoughts.

[Karl_Hungus]

I was not implying anything accept that on any site a person's avi is probably the first thing that people notice, and would influence whether you might read a post or not,

Seriously? A person's avi has no influence on whether I read a person's post or not. Maybe that is because I've found zero correlation between the quality of a person's avi and the quality of their posts.

[Simpy]

Seriously? A person's avi has no influence on whether I read a person's post or not. Maybe that is because I've found zero correlation between the quality of a person's avi and the quality of their posts.

Depends on what the post is about.


Sorry, I don't care how much a person knows about BB or getting lean, if they're a big fat tub of lard I'm not taking them too seriously.

Period.

[Karl_Hungus]

Depends on what the post is about.


Sorry, I don't care how much a person knows about BB or getting lean, if they're a big fat tub of lard I'm not taking them too seriously.

Period.

Well -- The post I was addressing was talking about physical attractiveness, so that is what I was referring to (probably should have been specific in my post though). I've seen no correlation, either here or IRL, between physical attractiveness and the ability to express a coherent, interesting, or intelligent idea.

[Simpy]

Well -- The post I was addressing was talking about physical attractiveness, so that is what I was referring to (probably should have been specific in my post though). I've seen no correlation, either here or IRL, between physical attractiveness and the ability to express a coherent, interesting, or intelligent idea.

True.


But dumb is a lot easier to tolerate, at least in small doses, when a person is pretty.

[LisaSkinnoble]

I was not implying anything accept that on any site a person's avi is probably the first thing that people notice, and would influence whether you might read a post or not, hence the " physical " attraction can be what draws a person to him or her, just what the OP is saying.... So when Lisa mentioned it, ( someones avi) it was an example of what the OP was talking about......Hmmmmmmmm means to me what an interesting thought!

Metaphorically speaking it was a great example.

If it implied any more than that I apologize, I will be more clear in my observations and thoughts.

I'm sorry if I overreacted. I'm that serious about our Jim.

[pvsampson]

As long as someone doesn't look like they are a throwback Neanderthal that's been attacked by a mad sabretoothed cat,and they are not overly fat,I have never been too worried about what a woman looked like too much.Especially as I haven't been blessed with good looks myself.

If someone has a decent personality and isn't so ugly that I wouldn't have to chew my arm off to get away without waking them,that's ok by me.Crupiea is on the right track in my opinion.

[IronCharles]

What is attractive to me is totally dependent on personality. A physically attractive 'hot' person with an ugly personality is an ugly person. Period.

But you can bet there wasn't a line of guys outside waiting to bang Mother Teresa. A lot more people are turned on by pretty than they are by ugly. I'm fairly certain you can find plenty of guys who would take the airhead supermodel or porn queen over the dowdy, fat librarian with three teeth that rescues puppies.

[thepowerwithin]

There are so many dynamics that come into play when it comes to physical attraction. My boyfriend just happens to be chubby and not in the best shape. Most women say he has a wholesome, maybe even dorky look about him. But, damn, he's incredibly generous, funny, well-mannered, clean, polite, has nice teeth, good skin, dresses well but not over the top well, is a McGyver when it comes to fixing stuff, has had the same job for 16 years, is emotionally stable, loves my kids, loves the outdoors, cooks, cleans, coaches. His good traits go on and on! It's who he is that makes him attractive, not so much what he looks like. I'd much rather he let himself go physically than let himself go emotionally and/or intellectually.

[LisaSkinnoble]

But you can bet there wasn't a line of guys outside waiting to bang Mother Teresa. A lot more people are turned on by pretty than they are by ugly. I'm fairly certain you can find plenty of guys who would take the airhead supermodel or porn queen over the dowdy, fat librarian with three teeth that rescues puppies.

She died, Charles. Dick Van Dyk's recent marriage made the news, I think because he's 80-something and his bride is 40-something. Some people were shocked. Oh well, perhaps she's in love with his sense of humour and old-fashioned gentlemanly ways. Who knows. But I think you're quite right that you could find a line-up of men who would rather a porn star than Mother Theresa. But your example is a wee bit too extreme. The Blessed Mother was really quite old and non-sexual as a Nun should be. How about you compare the porn star to a woman in her 30s or 40s who is plain and conservatively dressed but is loving and giving? Yes, to an extent I am agreeing that physical attraction has something to do with it all, but we must remember that many people associate huge age gaps with parental figures.

There are so many dynamics that come into play when it comes to physical attraction. My boyfriend just happens to be chubby and not in the best shape. Most women say he has a wholesome, maybe even dorky look about him. But, damn, he's incredibly generous, funny, well-mannered, clean, polite, has nice teeth, good skin, dresses well but not over the top well, is a McGyver when it comes to fixing stuff, has had the same job for 16 years, is emotionally stable, loves my kids, loves the outdoors, cooks, cleans, coaches. His good traits go on and on! It's who he is that makes him attractive, not so much what he looks like. I'd much rather he let himself go physically than let himself go emotionally and/or intellectually.

Lovely post!

[-=FLEX=-]

There are so many dynamics that come into play when it comes to physical attraction.

^^^ This.

Before I met Lisa I dated a woman that most men would describe as "hot" but honestly she bored me to tears. She wasn't exactly stupid, but she never said anything that made me want to even continue the conversation. It was a weird kind of thing that snowballed to the point where I would literally ignore her to the point where on one date she said "would you like me to leave?" and I actually paused for a good 30 seconds before lying and saying no.

Then I meet Lisa and we literally got the bill 3 times on our first date because neither of us wanted the night to end. She was drop dead gorgeous, but also so smart, so funny, and so engaging that the night went on and on. Yes her looks made me want to meet her, but her personality made me want to be with her.

6.5 years later and it's still the same.

Which is why the odd Monday we don't make it to the gym because Sunday night dragged on too long.

[LisaSkinnoble]

^^^ This.

Before I met Lisa I dated a woman that most men would describe as "hot" but honestly she bored me to tears.

STFU. I'm hotter.















Oh, I keeeel me. I just kill me!

[-=FLEX=-]

STFU. I'm hotter.

No question. SRS.

[itsagoodday]

A lot more people are turned on by pretty than they are by ugly. I'm fairly certain you can find plenty of guys who would take the airhead supermodel or porn queen over the dowdy, fat librarian with three teeth that rescues puppies.

Oh, I can't argue with that.

As for banging Mother Teresa... uhhhhhhhh... far too confused by that mental image to be able to come up with any response whatsoever. :-)

[IronCharles]

She died, Charles.

Yes, Lisa. That's why I used "wasn't", rather than "isn't".

O
As for banging Mother Teresa... uhhhhhhhh... far too confused by that mental image to be able to come up with any response whatsoever. :-)

A bit extreme, yes. But simply an illustration highlighting the absurdity of placing the burden of attraction upon "personality". Mother Teresa had a wonderful and altruistic personality, would have given you the shirt off her back if you needed it. But hardly exciting or arousing. I believe you were a bit shortsighted in stating that beautiful personality is more important than beautiful visuals, when it comes to the subject of this thread, which is the importance of physical attraction.

[LisaSkinnoble]

Yes, Lisa. That's why I used "wasn't", rather than "isn't".

Oh I'm sorry, I missed that.

I'm not disagreeing entirely with you. I think you're right that many a man places a good deal of importance on looks. So many stories to tell of men who run off with their secretaries or men who just cheat on the wife with hookers. So many sad stories.

Forgive me if I want to believe that there are still men out there who love their wives for 40 or 50 or more years because of more than their looks. Just as I want to believe that there are women who love their husbands regardless of who much money they bring home.

I hope that when I'm 87 and Flex is 84,he'll still sit on the front porch and tell me he loves me. I'll be an old wrinkly lady by then, for sure. But I really hope Mr Flexy will see beyond the wrinkles.

Part of your philosophy frightens me, Charles. Is Jim going to leave me at age 70 or 75 or 80 because I'm not pretty anymore?

That hasn't happened to my parents. And it didn't happen to my grandparents. Yet, your argument makes it seem so certain - an inevitability that will occur for me.

[steelchic]

sooo I was having a conversation today with a friend of mine on this topic.
How important is this in a relationship?
Only important for the initial meeting and dating part?
What about for the life of the marriage/relationship?
I said yes, it is possible to maintain a relationship even if that part may not be as strong as it was
in the beginning..he disagreed and said that if that element is missing then the relationship is
ultimately doomed...
thoughts on this?

Answers will vary. I'm a very visual person, so I have to like what I see. A man who takes care of himself can then care for others. A man who doesn't place value on his own body isn't likely to value the same things that matter to me. Thus crushing any attraction, either initially or long term. Discipline is sexy at any stage of a relationship. Without the physical attraction, that person falls into the category of "friend".

[2nd_chance]

As long as I can drape myself in velvet I don't care if she thinks I'm attractive or not.

[-=FLEX=-]

As long as I can drape myself in velvet I don't care if she thinks I'm attractive or not.

No Costanza?

[-=FLEX=-]

Discipline is sexy

Discipline take on many forms.

You're pre-cluding that someone that is disciplined has a decent physique.

What if they are a succesful doctor, lawyer or business-person.

That takes discipline too, doesn't it?

[IronCharles]

Oh I'm sorry, I missed that.

I'm not disagreeing entirely with you. I think you're right that many a man places a good deal of importance on looks. So many stories to tell of men who run off with their secretaries or men who just cheat on the wife with hookers. So many sad stories.

Forgive me if I want to believe that there are still men out there who love their wives for 40 or 50 or more years because of more than their looks. Just as I want to believe that there are women who love their husbands regardless of who much money they bring home.

I hope that when I'm 87 and Flex is 84,he'll still sit on the front porch and tell me he loves me. I'll be an old wrinkly lady by then, for sure. But I really hope Mr Flexy will see beyond the wrinkles.

Part of your philosophy frightens me, Charles. Is Jim going to leave me at age 70 or 75 or 80 because I'm not pretty anymore?

That hasn't happened to my parents. And it didn't happen to my grandparents. Yet, your argument makes it seem so certain - an inevitability that will occur for me.

I think physical attraction is definitely more important in our youth than it is when we are older. From an anthropological point of view, we are subconsciously drawn to those of the opposite sex who have the appearance of best being able to provide for the human family unit. Men are instinctively drawn to women with large breasts (potential for feeding babies), wide hips (ability to bear and carry children), as well as the ability to store fat in lean times. Women are attracted to men who look strong and able to hunt and provide food and protect the clan (wide shoulders, large muscles, strong abs), and muscular asses (ability to thrust and plant seed), etc. And both sexes are drawn to physical beauty, because of the desire to pass attractive traits to their children, to better facilitate the propagation of the species.

So naturally, as we age, those things become less important to us. The time for childbearing passes, so the need for sexual attraction diminishes. Strength wanes, and the clan is provided for by the younger, stronger members (our children). As the time passes, the experiences shared between the man and his wife accumulate, and nostalgia helps to bond. Friendship (ideally) becomes deeper and more important than sex. So I don't think growing old together is something to fear. I would think that divorce rates fall as couples get older. The idea of something better on the other side of the fence is replaced with contentment to hold on to what you have, and the memories built together.

[LisaSkinnoble]

Thank you, Charles!

I feel much better!

[-=FLEX=-]

Chuck said a bunch of stuff.

^^^ This guy is seriously one of the most thoughtful, intelligent, honest and blunt posters on this site.

So glad he's here. SRS.

[paolo59]

LOL This thread has gone 'viral!' When someone can look in your eyes and see themselves in 50 years, that's love!

[SP1966]

I think physical attraction is definitely more important in our youth than it is when we are older. From an anthropological point of view, we are drawn to those of the opposite sex who have the appearance of best being able to provide for the human family unit.

You know it, its all about caring for the unit alright!!!

[IronCharles]

You know it, its all about caring for the unit alright!!!