why do women fail?

[latebloomingmom]

I'm not sure if anyone has hit on this yet, but I'll throw it out there anyway;

I think a lot of us "fail" because we don't have the right REASON for trying to reach whatever our goal is. Several years ago I wanted to get into shape, so I started working with EL and had fantastic results. I maintained my progress on my own for some time, but it always FELT like work, and I didn't enjoy it.
Shortly after I went through a really hard time in my personal life, and I ended up eating my way up to 180 pounds. When I wanted to get into shape again, I again hired EL and when I didn't IMMEDIATELY get results, I totally bailed. I quit on her and she would have NEVER quit on me. I still regret that.

I've realized that I wasn't mentally prepared to deal with the issues that had gotten me there, and I thought that if I got my hot body back I would somehow be happier. If I had that body back maybe the hurt of my divorce would go away, or that somehow I wouldn't miss my former life so much. I was trying to use it as a band-aid.

Now, several years later I'm easily progressing and happy... REALLY happy with my body, but I had to work on myself first. Once I realized that I am not my body, and that my abs do not define my self-worth suddenly it didn't feel like work anymore.

That was a bit of a ramble, but the point I am trying to make is that if it's not done for the right reason, whatever that is to the individual, it's likely not going to stick.

Just my two cents.

I agree that losing weight, getting in good shape will not be the 'be all end all ' of your life..it is not the magic cure all for all areas of your life. will it make you smarter? a better driver? a better parent? nope..but I will also say that when you are on your ' A Game' you are better able to cope with whatever it is life throws your way. You are eating good, getting good sleep, exercising and taking care of yourself

[catskills]

Well I have been at this game for a long time, and I can only comment on scenerio #2, because that is where I am or was coming from. Why I have failed in the past is because of these reasons:

- being exposed to a lot of high calorie/poor nutrition type of foods as a child. In our house we had unlimited supplies of these things, and a lot of these types of foods can be addictive, so I am sure I developed some type of food addiction as a child.

-knowing I had to lose weight, but not really knowing how to do it.

-trial and error. trying something more and more, because it sort of worked not really knowing that it would work forever.

-feeling like a rat caught in a maze (knowing there was a prize in the center but not knowing how to get there)

-distractions that would constant cause me to lose focus on the goal (fad diets, tabloid nutritional articles, advertising, peer influence etc.)

-placing blame for failure somewhere else.

-not really having a clear sense of what my goal really is. (what is my ideal body type?)

-not realizing it is a learning process. Success comes from many failures.

-listening to other people, not myself.

-believing whatever I hear, instead of critically analyzing what I hear.

-not be realistic.

The list just keeps going on.....

[geek23ka]

LOL...this sounds like me most of the time! I'm getting reeeeally good at the one-hand-peck for typing. Hang in there, mama...we don't have to get it perfect overnight or even in a matter of days. This is a journey, not a sprint

thanks for the encouragement! i've been around the mulberry bush a few times and know the game, but man, some days are tougher than others. my husband talked me down from the tree. he reminded me that i'm likely retaining water from the long hike we took and he said i should measure. i've lost an inch around the waist just from these few weeks of working out and that's more important than the scale misbehaving. lol!

typing while nursing has been my life this past year. the one handed hunt and peck for sure!

[mrshester]

thanks for the encouragement! i've been around the mulberry bush a few times and know the game, but man, some days are tougher than others. my husband talked me down from the tree. he reminded me that i'm likely retaining water from the long hike we took and he said i should measure. i've lost an inch around the waist just from these few weeks of working out and that's more important than the scale misbehaving. lol!

typing while nursing has been my life this past year. the one handed hunt and peck for sure!

There ya go!lol I had to give up BF, but I am darn good at balancing bottles!LOL

[geek23ka]

There ya go!lol I had to give up BF, but I am darn good at balancing bottles!LOL

oh the babies and their demanding ways. if they weren't so darn cute, i don't think we would ever have more than one of 'em.

i don't know if there is a PM function here, but i wanted to share this with you, and all mommas here might like it. i saw it today on a mom's board. just substitute muffin for protein shake.


"If you give a mom a muffin, She'll want a cup of coffee to go with it. She'll pour herself some. Her three-year-old will spill the coffee. She'll wipe it up. Wiping the floor, she'll find dirty socks. She'll remember she has to do laundry. When she puts the laundry in the washer, She'll trip over boots and bump into the freezer. Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan for supper. She will get out a pound of hamburger. She'll look for her cookbook ("101 Things To Do With a Pound of Hamburger"). The cookbook is setting under a pile of mail. She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow. She will look for her checkbook. The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two-year-old. She'll smell something funny. She'll change the two-year-old's diaper. While she is changing the diaper, the phone will ring. Her five-year-old will answer and hang up. She'll remember she wants to phone a friend for coffee. Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup. And chances are...If she has a cup of coffee, Her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it."

[geek23ka]

ps sorry so off topic! i do think that kids can be a challenge to your workout. i just respond with more determination not to be distracted by all of the above.

[mrshester]

oh the babies and their demanding ways. if they weren't so darn cute, i don't think we would ever have more than one of 'em.

i don't know if there is a PM function here, but i wanted to share this with you, and all mommas here might like it. i saw it today on a mom's board. just substitute muffin for protein shake.


"If you give a mom a muffin, She'll want a cup of coffee to go with it. She'll pour herself some. Her three-year-old will spill the coffee. She'll wipe it up. Wiping the floor, she'll find dirty socks. She'll remember she has to do laundry. When she puts the laundry in the washer, She'll trip over boots and bump into the freezer. Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan for supper. She will get out a pound of hamburger. She'll look for her cookbook ("101 Things To Do With a Pound of Hamburger"). The cookbook is setting under a pile of mail. She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow. She will look for her checkbook. The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two-year-old. She'll smell something funny. She'll change the two-year-old's diaper. While she is changing the diaper, the phone will ring. Her five-year-old will answer and hang up. She'll remember she wants to phone a friend for coffee. Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup. And chances are...If she has a cup of coffee, Her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it."

LOL! LOVE this! Sounds just like me...and I'm still just a mommy to one! BTW...I used a pound of hamburger in our veggie soup tonight, LOL! Okay...done derailing this thread

Edit: if you click on a person's name, you should see a private message option

[latebloomingmom]

bump so I can re-read some of these gems

[DomesticGoddess]

Thanks for bumping this. I enjoyed reading it over my morning coffee.

I think women fail because they realize it's damn hard work and don't want to do the work, and they are misinformed. I count myself in the misinformed category.

I agree that some of us don't push ourselves hard enough. I was of the "Here's the routine, follow the script". It wasn't until NROLFW that I realized weight training meant progressing past the 15 lbers and not just doing the same thing over & over again. (I believe this is why some women say weight lifting is boring - they never challenge themselves.)

I am lifting heavier than I ever have, but not nearly as much as I can. I am aiming for progression in every workout and pushing myself to reach new personal milestones. It is a lot of fun!

I am still learning and sorting through the conflicting information. It is overwhelming.
Recomp VS you can only cycle bulk/cut.
Cut your calories VS you need to eat!
Do cardio VS don't do cardio.

I have been thinking that once summer is over I would do a bulk, but I still hang on to the lure of a "recomp". Is it a pipe dream?

I used to think since I used to lift I wouldn't get the newbie gains you all talk about, but now I think I never lifted hard enough to qualify, and am still a newbie.

I used to think I knew something about weight training. Now I think I don't know much at all.

[latebloomingmom]

actually I think you knew about as much as I did or thought I did when I came on this site last year...sounds like you might be figuring this out

[PunkyCindy]

Thanks for bumping this...I've actually been meaning to figure out why I've failed in the past and then write about it. I've enjoyed reading everyone's responses.

[latebloomingmom]

Thanks for bumping this...I've actually been meaning to figure out why I've failed in the past and then write about it. I've enjoyed reading everyone's responses.

you gonna be writing about this in your journal? if so, I will pop in and read about it

[PunkyCindy]

you gonna be writing about this in your journal? if so, I will pop in and read about it

first I've gotta figure it out lol, but I'm sure it will end up there...or at least part of it.

One thing though, that really sticks out is (as silly as it seems) I used to fear loose skin so much that when I'd start seeing progress I'd self sabotage. I also used to fear that I wouldn't look any better even if I did lose weight because of my scars (2 c-sections one bikini cut, one from belly button down ), all of my stretch marks (when I was pregnant at age 17 with my first, my skin busted in places due to the weight gain), and from probable loose skin. When it would get difficult, I didn't see where it was worth it if I didn't look better.

I know now that this is complete and utter bull crap because I already look better, and I also had a wake up call realizing I was morbidly obese and I started thinking more in terms of health rather than the way I'll look. I always said I wanted health, but fear and vanity dictated my actions.

[kjake55]

first I've gotta figure it out lol, but I'm sure it will end up there...or at least part of it.

One thing though, that really sticks out is (as silly as it seems) I used to fear loose skin so much that when I'd start seeing progress I'd self sabotage. I also used to fear that I wouldn't look any better even if I did lose weight because of my scars (2 c-sections one bikini cut, one from belly button down ), all of my stretch marks (when I was pregnant at age 17 with my first, my skin busted in places due to the weight gain), and from probable loose skin. When it would get difficult, I didn't see where it was worth it if I didn't look better.

I know now that this is complete and utter bull crap because I already look better, and I also had a wake up call realizing I was morbidly obese and I started thinking more in terms of health rather than the way I'll look. I always said I wanted health, but fear and vanity dictated my actions.

That right there is amazing insight.

[kjake55]

I hate when this thread pops up...it makes my head hurt! LOL

I wonder if we sometimes just worry that others will think we failed. I've noticed more and more lately that a great many posts include things like...

"I lifted heavy today for me anyway", "I know it's not as much as your girls lift but...", "It's not a great weight compared to others but today I..." and on and on.

Do we fail or do we just think we failed becuase we compare ourselves to what we perceive others have and will do? And in doing so are we setting others up to 'fail' in our eyes so we will feel better about ourselves? Like I said, this thread makes my head hurt sometimes.

I call for a permanant moritorium on apologizing for our own best efforts in our posts.

Afterall when you get up in the morning and live the best life you can then how can you have failed?

[latebloomingmom]

it is your own expectations you must live up to..you compete only against yourself. no apologies. no self-sabotage.
I usually bump this thread for a reason...sometimes its because I am reading something in someone's journal about some of the mental struggles that occur while trying to achieve our health goals.
I think there is a lot of really good advice in here..try the first couple pages
from women that have achieved their goals and continue to do so every day.

[Big_Sky_Guy]

I hate when this thread pops up...it makes my head hurt! LOL

I wonder if we sometimes just worry that others will think we failed. I've noticed more and more lately that a great many posts include things like...

"I lifted heavy today for me anyway", "I know it's not as much as your girls lift but...", "It's not a great weight compared to others but today I..." and on and on.

Do we fail or do we just think we failed becuase we compare ourselves to what we perceive others have and will do? And in doing so are we setting others up to 'fail' in our eyes so we will feel better about ourselves? Like I said, this thread makes my head hurt sometimes.

I call for a permanant moritorium on apologizing for our own best efforts in our posts.

Afterall when you get up in the morning and live the best life you can then how can you have failed?

How about not applogizing for best efforts in life, period.



How we see or perceive a situation is key. A setback to one person, is a failure to another, is an opportunity to third person. How we perceive a situation leads us to take actions.

"Didn't do X,Y,Z right. I suck." Sits on couch and eats a bag of potato chips and a gallon of ice cream while watching Fantasy Island.

"I'm a crappy mom, wife, daughter, friend because I did or did not do ..." Blames failure on someone or something else, or grovels in self-pity.

We have to change the tapes. Not sure which exact tapes are diff with women, but the solution seems to be pretty damn universal. Change the tapes!



I had the amazing opportunity on Tuesday to meet Dave Peltzer, author and subject of the book, A Child Called "It". That man had every excuse in the book to choose failure, yet he CHOSE to find a way to survive. And from survival he found a way to thrive. He spoke consistently about finding a way to do the hard work of facing the truth. And the truth sometimes sucks! Sometimes we suck, or they suck, or as stated in Crossfit....it has a lot of suck factor!

He is both Aware and Admits to having many issues. That seems to be a big part of success (aka Not Failing). Admitting the problem (his mother stabbed him and the wound was healing despite all the puss still inside = his body would go toxic and he would die) so we can find a solution, even if the solution seems like it is so painful it will kill us (he had to grit his teeth and squeeze out the puss and run a rag into the wound to clean it = made him pass out from the pain).

I know that was a very dramatic and gorry example. For Dave, to not admit the problem and take an action was to die. A level of motivation most of us will thankfully never have to understand.

My question for me and you. What truths am I not facing? What work am I not doing today? If we are over 35, what the hell are we waiting for? We have enough experience and understanding of life, and hopefully enough guts and stick-to-it-iveness to do the hard work.

We will feel better when we go to bed at night knowing we did our part.








'Stepping off the soapbox that Dave inspired me to stand on!'

[kjake55]

How about not applogizing for best efforts in life, period.



How we see or perceive a situation is key. A setback to one person, is a failure to another, is an opportunity to third person. How we perceive a situation leads us to take actions.

"Didn't do X,Y,Z right. I suck." Sits on couch and eats a bag of potato chips and a gallon of ice cream while watching Fantasy Island.

"I'm a crappy mom, wife, daughter, friend because I did or did not do ..." Blames failure on someone or something else, or grovels in self-pity.

We have to change the tapes. Not sure which exact tapes are diff with women, but the solution seems to be pretty damn universal. Change the tapes!



I had the amazing opportunity on Tuesday to meet Dave Peltzer, author and subject of the book, A Child Called "It". That man had every excuse in the book to choose failure, yet he CHOSE to find a way to survive. And from survival he found a way to thrive. He spoke consistently about finding a way to do the hard work of facing the truth. And the truth sometimes sucks! Sometimes we suck, or they suck, or as stated in Crossfit....it has a lot of suck factor!

He is both Aware and Admits to having many issues. That seems to be a big part of success (aka Not Failing). Admitting the problem (his mother stabbed him and the wound was healing despite all the puss still inside = his body would go toxic and he would die) so we can find a solution, even if the solution seems like it is so painful it will kill us (he had to grit his teeth and squeeze out the puss and run a rag into the wound to clean it = made him pass out from the pain).

I know that was a very dramatic and gorry example. For Dave, to not admit the problem and take an action was to die. A level of motivation most of us will thankfully never have to understand.

My question for me and you. What truths am I not facing? What work am I not doing today? If we are over 35, what the hell are we waiting for? We have enough experience and understanding of life, and hopefully enough guts and stick-to-it-iveness to do the hard work.

We will feel better when we go to bed at night knowing we did our part.








'Stepping off the soapbox that Dave inspired me to stand on!'

Great post BSG! (a little yuky in places but great none the less! lol) I think that's the point sometimes when I see these posts that apologize for effort. Why apologize? Is it your best effort? If it is then be proud of it. I don't know what you did to get to a XX lb (or kg) deadlift (or whatever lift) but you obviously walked some road to get there and just bc it's not the same road I walked and it's not the same weight that the big guns lift doesn't make it any less an accomplishment. I don't know if anyone here is really waiting for anything, we're all here doing our thing but I think it's unfair to ones self to diminsh ones own accomplishments.

I don't know if I'm making sense and I get the feeling my original post was misunderstood a little. Overall I just don't think we should set ourselves up for faiulure by comparing ourselves to what we think othere people want to see from us. There is just no reason to apologize for being out there and living and improving.

[kjake55]

it is your own expectations you must live up to..you compete only against yourself. no apologies. no self-sabotage.
I usually bump this thread for a reason...sometimes its because I am reading something in someone's journal about some of the mental struggles that occur while trying to achieve our health goals.
I think there is a lot of really good advice in here..try the first couple pages
from women that have achieved their goals and continue to do so every day.

I'm not sure why you thought you had to edit and explain the bump. I was only kidding before. I like this thread. And for the record I consider myself one of those women who has reached her goals...just not ALL of her goals. Nor do I ever want to stop reaching for those goals.

[latebloomingmom]

I'm not sure why you thought you had to edit and explain the bump. I was only kidding before. I like this thread. And for the record I consider myself one of those women who has reached her goals...just not ALL of her goals. Nor do I ever want to stop reaching for those goals.

...

[Sami76]

oh the babies and their demanding ways. if they weren't so darn cute, i don't think we would ever have more than one of 'em.

i don't know if there is a PM function here, but i wanted to share this with you, and all mommas here might like it. i saw it today on a mom's board. just substitute muffin for protein shake.


"If you give a mom a muffin, She'll want a cup of coffee to go with it. She'll pour herself some. Her three-year-old will spill the coffee. She'll wipe it up. Wiping the floor, she'll find dirty socks. She'll remember she has to do laundry. When she puts the laundry in the washer, She'll trip over boots and bump into the freezer. Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan for supper. She will get out a pound of hamburger. She'll look for her cookbook ("101 Things To Do With a Pound of Hamburger"). The cookbook is setting under a pile of mail. She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow. She will look for her checkbook. The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two-year-old. She'll smell something funny. She'll change the two-year-old's diaper. While she is changing the diaper, the phone will ring. Her five-year-old will answer and hang up. She'll remember she wants to phone a friend for coffee. Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup. And chances are...If she has a cup of coffee, Her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it."

Too cute! And so, so true...

[Sami76]

Why do women (and men) fail at getting in shape? I think it boils down to unfit being socially acceptable enough that the positives of being fit don't seem as important.

[DieselsMom]

Thanks for the bump. This thread is sooo revealing to us all to re-look at ourselves and our goals. Totally agree that comparing ourselves to others is a major reason - I didn't do this as well as you blah blah blah. I am guilty of that myself. I am starting a new stage of my life and it is going from the losing weight stage to the becoming the person in the mirror that I want to see. I have an image in my head and maybe it isn't realistic but hopefully it is the start of the new goal of gaining muscle and getting stronger. I want to be able to run, play, lift and do all the things with my kids as they get more involved in life and sports and not be the mom on the couch saying I can't.

I know I have some mental issues around eating but who doesn't after half a life of dieting - it will take me a awhile to straighten it all out but atleast I recognize there is a problem and that as they say is the first step.

I think we don't take the time for ourselves to achieve our goals especially after entering mommyhood - many times I say to the hubby no prob go to the gym I got the kids ___________ fill in the blank (hockey/soccer/supper) but feel guilty if I want to go for a run in the evening and leave him to put the kids to bed or want to say its my turn at the gym. I made the concessions but need to step up and make my wants a priority too. He supports me don't get me wrong it is my own failure to feel guilty or not do it. Life does get in the way - I commute an hour each direction to work so that is a 10 hour day right there before factoring personal stuff in but have found ways to make it fit as I now go to the gym at lunch which does not leave time to dawdle to get a good workout in.

I think we also don't realize how strong we really are and never push that limit found that myself with leg presses recently - listened to the PT for a starting weight and never thought about how low it really was and next thing you know I went from maxing out at 150pds to in a few weeks obtaining my new personal best of 8 reps of 280 pds. We just need to try and if it doesn't work try again the next time.

[Ang123]

Guess I see this from another angle. I think most women fail because of 2 things- is lack of discipline but the main one is because of other people in their lives. As a female I get zero encouragement from family, friends and most definitely not from the men in gym who have told me a few times to get out of free weights section because they wanted that bench or weight or back over 20 years ago when I got into lifting before I was told to get out of the gym because it belonged to men only so I quit. Couple being treated like dirt, along with insecurity over being overweight in a gym full of lean bodies and having teen boys loudly make fun of "fat girls" and then add the pressure of having less time to spend on oneself if one has kids or a husband then that explains why women fail and why you see so few in gym to begin with.

[latebloomingmom]

fat girl with a husband and kids checking in..

[Wyomann]

Om nom nom nom. Eating protein bars is good.

[latebloomingmom]

Om nom nom nom. Eating protein bars is good.

[lilvonne28]

Okay so I have been cutting and pasting so much to add to my response that I'll "Quote" it an explain as I go.

I think my reason for failure is that I set too many goals, I want to do and try everything. I have become a jack of all trades and a master of none. Focusing on one things in fitness is hard becuase I get bored easily or I'm not patient enough to begin to see gains so I was doing a whole lot of stuff and esentially getting no where so I get frustraed and have to start again. This time around I am focusing on two things and going from there, and telling myself that patience is a virtue and to wait and let the process work.

"feeling like a rat caught in a maze (knowing there was a prize in the center but not knowing how to get there"
This is also me, or I apper that I am being stuck in a maze because I'm not seeing results fast enough which leads me to believe that the plan isn't working.

"I am still learning and sorting through the conflicting information. It is overwhelming.
Recomp VS you can only cycle bulk/cut.
Cut your calories VS you need to eat!
Do cardio VS don't do cardio"
What is better to do first? Cut/Bulk/ not having confidence in what my macros say becuase again not giving it time to work


"I think we don't take the time for ourselves to achieve our goals especially after entering mommyhood - many times I say to the hubby no prob go to the gym I got the kids ___________ fill in the blank (hockey/soccer/supper) but feel guilty if I want to go for a run in the evening and leave him to put the kids to bed or want to say its my turn at the gym. I made the concessions but need to step up and make my wants a priority too. He supports me don't get me wrong it is my own failure to feel guilty or not do it. Life does get in the way - I commute an hour each direction to work so that is a 10 hour day right there before factoring personal stuff in but have found ways to make it fit as I now go to the gym at lunch which does not leave time to dawdle to get a good workout in."

This is me as well I am number one in feeling guilty for going to the gym when my husband has no problem getting his time in. I had to tell myself to start thinking like a man and so what I need to do for my body to get the look I want to get. I'm tired of starting over but then again everytime I do start over I learn something new.

[injuryannie]

I can understand this..if you have always been (excuse the word) petite or
thin, tiny I dont know which word you prefer..but then your body changes..even if it is in a good way..
takes getting used to
I of course come into it from the opposite end of the spectrum...being overweight for years becomes part of my identity, who I was
changing that meant getting used to a whole new me.

Hi, im new to the whole lot i cant find the info i need on forum because there are soooo many different threads. When i try click on someones profile it comes up with nothing i myself am slightly overweight (in uk stones) but i have quite muscular legs anyways from rollerderby so i know i need to go more by size as the weight is all in my legs at mo. i have wanted to get into bodybuilding for few weeks now, figure bodybuildning that is, but not for compitions, for myself more than anything. I dont have the first idea about it all and where to start etc. gym, diet, supplements etc etc so pleeeeassseee if some one could help me
And point me in the right direction i would really appreciate it. I live 40miles north of aberdeen scotland and dont know of any one close that could help me

[ShapingUp]

To injuryannie, suggestions for getting started:

How to figure out what to eat: http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showth...hp?t=121703981

An awesome "beginners" routine that works for everyone:http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=4195843

Welcome to bb.com! Just take your time and read the stickies at the top of each forum.

You don't need to worry about supplements yet. A multi-vitamin would be fine.