I am a MASS MACHINE doing the "Challenge" and here's my journal!

[MzJules]

7/8/2014

Food is not the issue, diet is not the issue, body image is not the issue. Emotional balance and wellness is the only real issue.

It just now plays out in various other forms. The behavior you want to correct is merely the reflection of emotional imbalance. The behavior you are focusing so much on; is the actual pain, not the cause of your pain.


Interesting and not hard to understand. The question comes up on the boards and on ******** about whether or not this sport creates eating disorders. It requires a fairly complex explanation but in many ways it can and does. It also legitimizes a disorder already in place. I can see my attraction to all the structure and control involved. I did lift weights in my 20's. I worked at Jack La lanne health club for a few years and some other clubs. I met BB's. I got pulled in. I trained in gym's where there weren't any bathrooms for girls. There weren't any girls in them..... walking down memory lane here. The point is I already had a full blown eating disorder in place then. It was perfect. all the structure and controlling food .... or not. ..... In my life I have either been in complete control or in Sumo mode.... starving, feasting. ....... eating disorder heaven. ...... I have been 126lbs... I have been 314.

I am not going into working out bashing here. I do love the gym . I am simply going down the Rabbit Hole as far as I can. It is a mindset of always self measuring instead of self acceptance. We all need challenge but not this tearing yourself down.

And You cannot change something you do not understand.

This is another stage of my transformation. I do not seem to be able to sustain the physical part which seems to be an issue for thousands of women and even if the appearance is there the obsession with eating and not eating is rampant in our culture for women from all walks of life. It is hell on earth.
Really, I think the eating disorders and the body image obsession etc are mainly female issues. .... From watching the men I don't think they have the same social pressures women do. They do not get the same messages about their bodies and how they have to look. Men's looks are not the issue it is for women. .... They don't walk around obsessing about it like women do..... More on that later.

So, one of my first steps toward normalization is to stop being restrictive about food. I have stopped putting things in categories of what I can and cannot have. I am taking time to really listen to what my body is asking for in the moment. I have been doing this for 5 days. I had 2 days of feeling depressed without the structure of my "food plan" which I thought about all the time from the moment I woke up to the minute I went to sleep. Even if I did not follow it I still obsessed about it. With that gone I truly felt weird.
I instead chose y food based on what I knew my body liked and reacted well to. It left a lot of choices open.

I can report that I am not overeating at all...... I am making good choices but I am not planning it. I am aware of feeling relieved at being able to just eat without restriction. I did eat a chocolate chip cookie. Normally I would go into guilt and shame over this but I did not allow the emotional indulgence. It's just a f@%^&@G COOKIE! i ENJOYED THE hell out of it and then forgot about it.

What a bloody relief.

It was an exercise. I am still uncomfortable and anxious with it. I am dealing. This is going to be a lot of work.

Focusing on stretching..... Yoga...... Putting a lid on my addiction to high levels of stress too.


Cool Moment ..... I can be pretty brave.

[MzJules]

7/11/2014

I am thinking about all the ways food messages are delivered to us. I have been collecting all the different ways we are pulled into beliefs about food...what it is.. how it affects us .. what's good, what's bad ... healthy and unhealthy.
For example... there was a time when not long ago that eggs were vilified as being one of the main culprits of high chiolesterol and heart disease. 10 years later it was discounted and there were billboards all over that said and I quote
"GIVE EGGS A BREAK" .... they were no longer bad for you.

Coconut Oil ... another food that was highly criticized as unhealthy and NOW is one of the healthiest most nourishing of foods. It's a miracle food!
Wheat was the best food for you .... wheat is the worst and highly allergenic.
Corn highly nutritious .. corn, BAD!
Meat good ... meat cancer causing, high cholesterol, high fat
you need more fiber... too much fiber causes digestion disruption
Carbs good ... carbs bad
Fat bad ... fat good... Omega 3's good ..6 bad
High protein good ... high protein bad

Eat this and be healthy ... eat this you'll get cancer ..
eat bananas they are full of enzymes and potassium ... do not eat bananas because they are hard to digest and high in sugar=fat

We have sugar free everything, gluten free everything, dairy free dairy products, chocolate free chocolate, meatfree meat, low sodium, low salt,
I saw cookies in the store that said ...sugar free, low sodium, fat free, dairy free, gluten free, low calorie ... and then guess what ti said?
ALL NATURAL ..... all natural what?

My point is ... is there a time of day when we are not thinking about food and all the restrictions and ways it will harm us and make us FAT? We are inundated with these messages and they keep changing. There are 20 new diets a month coming out. A new twist on this or that all pulling you in and playing on that idea you have in your head that somehow there is a magical way that you are just going to get that body you want without much work. And the industry is banking on you feeling that way. Being sucked in.

I read a piece recently about the Paleo diet that just made me laugh. They were saying that there is no way that our ancestors ate that way or that it will work the same way because of the extreme difference in environmental pressures on us. We can drive to the store. paleo's had to run their food down or walk for miles... everyday! They were in a constant calorie deficit... something we can hardly endure. They did major carb reloads as much as they could. They endured cold temperatures, severe times of food shortage, the pressure for survival was intense. It was a good perspective I think. Not that Paleo does not work well for some people it's just that the science behind these diets is not always accurate.

Then there are all the other messages about how we are supposed to look. Magazines filled with beautiful, trim or busty women all photoshopped and many touting the latest diet even though they have never been on it. Buy this powder, these pills, this creme, this device, this potion, and you will look just like this. It's very strategic manipulation of an ideal that most women will never meet. So, you try, you fail, you beat yourself up, self judge, binge, starve, then "oh look"! another new "thing". The cycle begins again because you think this time this thing will give you the feeling of control and peace and the body you want and everything else will be AWESOME!!

It's backward.

Peace, self control, maturity and a realistic expectation come first. Not comparing yourself to someone else but being the most awesome person you can be first. A deep self acceptance and pride in who you are as a person and your unique gifts. You are not obsessing on food or body image every minute of everyday watching the scale and constantly measuring yourself against the latest standard.
You know what your body needs nutritionally and you move and work out because it feels good and makes you strong. Your value and image come out of having peace, self acceptance, emotional maturity, self control.

It's ok to want to look good. It's just that it's not going to bring you all the things you have built up in your mind you think it will.


At this site you can find 600 different diets ..WTH?!...6 f@%$#*%g HUNDRED!!!!!!..... http://www.everydiet.org/diet

Do you see the sheer madness of this?!... It's about marketing and MONEY!! That's all!


I have a friend whose husband is one of the handsomest men and they are very much in love and have been for many years. They both do Tai Chi, pretty advanced and so are in good shape but not exceptional. They eat well but do not obsess. Their focus is on their meaningful work and their families and love for each other. She does not spend time comparing herself to anyone and is one of the most comfortable, beautiful people I have ever been around. .... He adores her. .... I can see why. ...
She is extremely plain by today's standards but when he looks at her or interacts it is with such great love and admiration and she just lights up. .... She is very confident and grounded in herself and she knows how to please him....... It has been an education watching her.

[MzJules]

7/19/2014

For all intents and purposes your body is just a machine to be put to use by your mind. What a tragedy to go through life believing that your mind is just a machine to be put to use and abuse by your body! Face this truth -> your mind is the sun - your body is the earth revolving around it. It's the sun that makes earthly life possible - not the other way around!

when you don't own an element of yourself, positive or negative, it is this element that tends to run your life beneath the surface.

Take a moment to write the names of 2 people you admire, not family. then next to those names write what it is exactly that you admire about them. Name 3 or four things.

Then write down 2 people you cannot stand .. (we all have them) . Next to their names write what it is exactly that you dislike about them.

[b]without the names I wrote....

1. honest, tenacious, self control, integrity, generous, loving, failthful, authentic

2. dishonest, deceptive, manipulative, self serving, arrogant, , entitled

now add to these lists

"I like myself best when I am being ".... list 1

"I like myself least when I am being" ... list 2

This is an exercise in projection. When you do not know yourself or own yourself completely you tend to project the best and worst of yourself onto someone else. And there is no way to become whole when the the top or bottom half of yourself is being either surrendered or denied.

Many lessons here. When you are not living up to your potential you project your own positive traits onto someone else who is living up to theirs. You usually have the potentia lfor the very things you admire most. This can be a wonderful thing to discover about yourself. On the other hand , lack of self esteem and self worth can have you getting lost in the admiration for someone else ..... as a means of avoiding you own life.

But what ever inspires you usually exists with in you to manifest if you choose.

That goes for the negative also. I found this part of the exercise to be uncomfortable and realized I did not like facing these projected negativities in myself.

In this new awareness of how I like myself best and how I like myself least I am asking ... who am I really and what do I really want.

And beyond the externals ..... "why" do I want these things. When I have reached the objective of "what" I want ... does it fulfill the "why" I want it.??[/i]

Deciding whether to do group or one on one coaching right now. I am studying and understanding better the disordered eating and how pervasive the "diet" mentality has been in all my life.

One thing I know I want. Peace with food and my body and my life. to be free from obsession. Not from pursuing excellence........... Free from obsession.

Still doing Yoga routine everyday. very focused on keeping my body limber and peaceful, muscles relaxed and balanced. I am using my body better in my Practice. conserving. I am becoming more adept at manipulating fascia in more subtle ways and the releases are much more significant. All the pressing and pushing and pulling, lunging for hours on end has caused me to become extremely aware of my breathing and every move I make. The focus I had in the gym and now with the Yoga is carrying into my work. It has become a meditation of sorts. The more focused I am, the less tired I am. Efficiency and effectiveness. I am learning.

Focusing on what my body can do. Focusing on excellence. Enjoying the process.

[pphelps83]

Good to see you still updating in here MzJules!! I hope you are well !!

[pphelps83]

Hey!! We are great -- Vancouver life is great and married life!! Matt's busy getting his chef certification college along with work and study!!

I've been playing soccer 3 nights a week recreational but I played at a decent level over the years and rec i take too seriously so been offered to play on an 11 a side ladies team which will be more competitive for me!!

I got certified as a Personal trainer but only now just getting round to using it, I found it hard to deal with the post comp blues after the challenege and of adding extra weight and felt like i was not in the right shape to train people which gave me some anxiety, stupid really everyone is of different shapes and sizes in the world.

I hope you are well!!

[pphelps83]

Yes I'm too competitive especially with soccer , I love the game !! Its really helped with improving my fitness

I know the view I have of myself is distorted and I spend too much time worrying about my appearance and looking at fitness models!! I am not fat I am pretty fit and have muscle I just need to love myself!! I have a great husband who never puts any pressure on me to look a particular way. I never even wear make up!!

I get asked from people for advice I also volunteer at a gym to help new members in the gym which I enjoy as they are usually totally new the exercise.

I try to listen to skips podacsts but I don't listen to as many as I used to!!

I am still vegan, eating clean and not really worrying if its part of my nutrition plan ! Occasional treat, lots of fruit and veg daily!!

Also got certified as a trx trainer , I love using this for workouts if you haven't try the TRX ITS great!!

[MzJules]

Yes I'm too competitive especially with soccer , I love the game !! Its really helped with improving my fitness

I know the view I have of myself is distorted and I spend too much time worrying about my appearance and looking at fitness models!! I am not fat I am pretty fit and have muscle I just need to love myself!! I have a great husband who never puts any pressure on me to look a particular way. I never even wear make up!!

I get asked from people for advice I also volunteer at a gym to help new members in the gym which I enjoy as they are usually totally new the exercise.

I try to listen to skips podacsts but I don't listen to as many as I used to!!

I am still vegan, eating clean and not really worrying if its part of my nutrition plan ! Occasional treat, lots of fruit and veg daily!!

Also got certified as a trx trainer , I love using this for workouts if you haven't try the TRX ITS great!!

You made me laugh about being so serious they had to move you to another team! You wild woman. .... Yes, I too felt quite adrift after the competition. Skip really kept us in harness with the structure he provided and the motivation was exceptional. I stuck pretty close to podcasts he did for a long time to keep myself as on target as I could. It has helped me in so many ways.

Interesting point you make about feeling you could not "teach" fitness because of how you look. Yet what you are trained to do is help others be physically fit, learn to do exercise properly no matter where they are physically. I have of late been doing a lot of research into how we get stuck on focusing on the externals. The diet and fitness industry manipulates us into focusing only on externals. Constant daily judgement of how we look. Constant measuring and self criticism in pursuit of perfection ...... a standard designed by the industry. A standard just a handful ever achieve aesthetically. Big money in the failure of it all.

Do not get me wrong, I do not think there is anything wrong with wanting to be more aesthetically pleasing as long as the motivation comes from within. It is you you are pleasing. ..And then there is the whole obsession thing too........Out of this thinking I have begun to focus on what my body can do instead.

What if you, with all your knowledge of fitness and your skill in sports, were to train others from that point of view. Focusing on strength, balance, mobility, skill in the gym. The aesthetics will follow. There are thousands of women who would just like help in feeling better and learning the discipline of just getting to the gym! Ha! ...... Many of the trainers I see in the gym are fit but they do not look like they are in competiton for anything special and they help many.

anyway, just some thoughts. ...... so glad to hear from you. MzJ

[MzJules]

7/26/14

I am will begin work with another Coach next month, one who specializes in eating disorders. He has been a competitor and has trained many champions and really does understand the whole disordered eating, body image, insanity that is especially pervasive among women. His name is Scott Abel and I think he can help me.
I am going to document it all here. I have just barely scratched the surface but already experiencing mental resistance to it all.

I maintain the Mass Machine title on my journal. I always will be a Mass Machine...... the Challenge NEvER stopped for me. It is because of SkipLaCour that I am even stepping up to take my challenges on. It is because of Skip that I have sought out the expertise I need to get me to the next level. ...I wrote in my journal in the beginning that I would never stop trying to reach my goals. I had no idea that all I have learned from Skip would lead me into such deep places.



I am challenged to understand the "diet mentality" that has dominated and run my life. ... I have weighed 126, I have weighed 314 and everything in between. ...I was raised by an Anorexic and a Binger. Each parent "using" food and other substances to numb out and avoid real connection. I used to think this connection was only about keeping "others" away but the first disconnection is within yourself. You have no connection with your own feelings and emotions. You are constantly ducking an weaving the PAIN that is present. You never look at it but it's there and your life becomes filled with "doing" and "avoidance" and you can never truly connect with anyone else because you are "disconnected" from yourself. ... .... I am experiencing real resistance here.

Diets are about dealing with the results of the problem not the cause.

I have always believed and am believing that reaching my "ideal weight" again and looking good will be the beginning of all I want. But I have been there before and thinking on it I realize that the "war" never actually stops. Even with a 23 inch waist and size 8 clothes you are living in "fear". Fear of regaining the weight. Fear of losing control. Your life is a constant "don't eat this, eat only that". And if you slip the "judge" is there waiting. The "Critic" begins and the self abuse starts.. There is always an emotional sense of "have to" attached to food and weight and how you look. Constant stress.

And the messages pushed by the media and fitness industry are everywhere reinforcing the self rejection and the self judgement that drives the incessant pursuit of ..............

WHATEVER REACHING THAT PLACE OF PERFECTION MEANS TO YOU!

But you don;t ever reach it really. There is always more and even if you get close there again is FEAR. of regaining ... Fear of not being able to resist "bad" foods
(which is another diet mentality.. not every one thinks food is good or bad. They just do not think that way at all!!!!!!!)
Fear of rejection from others if you fail ... fear of more PAIN!

You think the goal will bring you peace but it never delivers. You think your external appearance will bring you what can only come from inside and must be developed first. We have the process flipped.

Then there is the biological aspect of this whole thing that there is no understanding of and that the Industry hopes you will not "get" because they make Billions off of your failure!!!!

Your brain was designed to "see food" and "have it" . The food industry knows this. The diet industry knows this. ....
Your body was designed to ensure you survival. It is good at it. It takes what you eat and stores it if it thinks you are in danger of starving or if you have an excess of food it will save it. ..... your body's job is to maintain this to keep you alive.
There is an EXCESS of food available to us at all times. WE "see it" .. "we have it" ... we gain weight.

Then we freak out because that is not the ideal way to look or eat and so we begin to starve ourselves or over control and some foods become good and others become bad. ... Stress level is very high and the brain goes into high alert to "see food" and "have it" and your fat storing becomes even more efficient because you are starving. If this is very strong in you, you will binge in rebellion to the unnatural state of "RESTRICTION" you have created. This becomes a "diet pattern" ...bingeing is a reaction by the body to dieting. And I have not even gotten into the "emotional" connection to all of this which is lethal if you do not understand it.

This is actually an awesome system. Our bodies are incredibly designed to take care of us in multiple ways. But we have been well trained to ignore truth and abuse ourselves instead.

Now, the food and diet industry knows how all of this works and is counting on your failure. They KNOW you will go on an average of 2o diets in your lifetime if you are female and they are constantly designing new ways to trap you into thinking you can overcome a biological system that is ingrained in you. They don't give a s**t about you or your health or whether or not you lose weight. In fact, they are counting on you failure.

We are the human batteries that power the whole industry of false hope and deception.




My first steps ARE OUT of the Diet Matrix. This is right where I am at. I feel my bondage and I see the bondage of others. I am sitting up and I am looking around. I am reaching behind me and unhooking from the beliefs and indoctrination I have been subject to for so long. Believe me, this hurts and while I have new information my mind wants to go back to what it knows.
I am trying to look at my body without judgement. I am trying to feel acceptance and love for it. Honestly, I am not doing well so far. My conditioning is strong and what really scares me is that

I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO BE.

[pphelps83]

I love this post above!!

I have always believed and am believing that reaching my "ideal weight" again and looking good will be the beginning of all I want. But I have been there before and thinking on it I realize that the "war" never actually stops. Even with a 23 inch waist and size 8 clothes you are living in "fear". Fear of regaining the weight. Fear of losing control. Your life is a constant "don't eat this, eat only that". And if you slip the "judge" is there waiting. The "Critic" begins and the self abuse starts.. There is always an emotional sense of "have to" attached to food and weight and how you look. Constant stress.

this is all so true, been there 140lbs and thinking this is great except i have to exercise more to maintain and eat less, worry about everything that i eat!every day it never goes away!! been there i still do it now if i have a treat-- i think how can i burn it off and the next day eat nothing all day to compensate.

I am a lot better now but still i am thinking my rec footy on a Sunday ends next week and I am already thinking how can i burn more calories on this day?!

I have a sister in England right now lost quite a bit of weight maybe 20-25lbs but i asked her what she was eating every day 1100 calories is what she said WTF!! how is that acceptable!

20 diets in a lifetime, lol i have probably surpassed that !!

[MzJules]

7/26/14

I am will begin work with another Coach next month, one who specializes in eating disorders. He has been a competitor and has trained many champions and really does understand the whole disordered eating, body image, insanity that is especially pervasive among women. His name is Scott Abel and I think he can help me.
I am going to document it all here. I have just barely scratched the surface but already experiencing mental resistance to it all.

I maintain the Mass Machine title on my journal. I always will be a Mass Machine...... the Challenge NEvER stopped for me. It is because of SkipLaCour that I am even stepping up to take my challenges on. It is because of Skip that I have sought out the expertise I need to get me to the next level. ...I wrote in my journal in the beginning that I would never stop trying to reach my goals. I had no idea that all I have learned from Skip would lead me into such deep places.



I am challenged to understand the "diet mentality" that has dominated and run my life. ... I have weighed 126, I have weighed 314 and everything in between. ...I was raised by an Anorexic and a Binger. Each parent "using" food and other substances to numb out and avoid real connection. I used to think this connection was only about keeping "others" away but the first disconnection is within yourself. You have no connection with your own feelings and emotions. You are constantly ducking an weaving the PAIN that is present. You never look at it but it's there and your life becomes filled with "doing" and "avoidance" and you can never truly connect with anyone else because you are "disconnected" from yourself. ... .... I am experiencing real resistance here.

Diets are about dealing with the results of the problem not the cause.

I have always believed and am believing that reaching my "ideal weight" again and looking good will be the beginning of all I want. But I have been there before and thinking on it I realize that the "war" never actually stops. Even with a 23 inch waist and size 8 clothes you are living in "fear". Fear of regaining the weight. Fear of losing control. Your life is a constant "don't eat this, eat only that". And if you slip the "judge" is there waiting. The "Critic" begins and the self abuse starts.. There is always an emotional sense of "have to" attached to food and weight and how you look. Constant stress.

And the messages pushed by the media and fitness industry are everywhere reinforcing the self rejection and the self judgement that drives the incessant pursuit of ..............

WHATEVER REACHING THAT PLACE OF PERFECTION MEANS TO YOU!

But you don;t ever reach it really. There is always more and even if you get close there again is FEAR. of regaining ... Fear of not being able to resist "bad" foods
(which is another diet mentality.. not every one thinks food is good or bad. They just do not think that way at all!!!!!!!)
Fear of rejection from others if you fail ... fear of more PAIN!

You think the goal will bring you peace but it never delivers. You think your external appearance will bring you what can only come from inside and must be developed first. We have the process flipped.

Then there is the biological aspect of this whole thing that there is no understanding of and that the Industry hopes you will not "get" because they make Billions off of your failure!!!!

Your brain was designed to "see food" and "have it" . The food industry knows this. The diet industry knows this. ....
Your body was designed to ensure you survival. It is good at it. It takes what you eat and stores it if it thinks you are in danger of starving or if you have an excess of food it will save it. ..... your body's job is to maintain this to keep you alive.
There is an EXCESS of food available to us at all times. WE "see it" .. "we have it" ... we gain weight.

Then we freak out because that is not the ideal way to look or eat and so we begin to starve ourselves or over control and some foods become good and others become bad. ... Stress level is very high and the brain goes into high alert to "see food" and "have it" and your fat storing becomes even more efficient because you are starving. If this is very strong in you, you will binge in rebellion to the unnatural state of "RESTRICTION" you have created. This becomes a "diet pattern" ...bingeing is a reaction by the body to dieting. And I have not even gotten into the "emotional" connection to all of this which is lethal if you do not understand it.

This is actually an awesome system. Our bodies are incredibly designed to take care of us in multiple ways. But we have been well trained to ignore truth and abuse ourselves instead.

Now, the food and diet industry knows how all of this works and is counting on your failure. They KNOW you will go on an average of 2o diets in your lifetime if you are female and they are constantly designing new ways to trap you into thinking you can overcome a biological system that is ingrained in you. They don't give a s**t about you or your health or whether or not you lose weight. In fact, they are counting on you failure.

We are the human batteries that power the whole industry of false hope and deception.




My first steps ARE OUT of the Diet Matrix. This is right where I am at. I feel my bondage and I see the bondage of others. I am sitting up and I am looking around. I am reaching behind me and unhooking from the beliefs and indoctrination I have been subject to for so long. Believe me, this hurts and while I have new information my mind wants to go back to what it knows.
I am trying to look at my body without judgement. I am trying to feel acceptance and love for it. Honestly, I am not doing well so far. My conditioning is strong and what really scares me is that

I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO BE.




************************************************** *******

I love this post above!!

I have always believed and am believing that reaching my "ideal weight" again and looking good will be the beginning of all I want. But I have been there before and thinking on it I realize that the "war" never actually stops. Even with a 23 inch waist and size 8 clothes you are living in "fear". Fear of regaining the weight. Fear of losing control. Your life is a constant "don't eat this, eat only that". And if you slip the "judge" is there waiting. The "Critic" begins and the self abuse starts.. There is always an emotional sense of "have to" attached to food and weight and how you look. Constant stress.

this is all so true, been there 140lbs and thinking this is great except i have to exercise more to maintain and eat less, worry about everything that i eat!every day it never goes away!! been there i still do it now if i have a treat-- i think how can i burn it off and the next day eat nothing all day to compensate.

I am a lot better now but still i am thinking my rec footy on a Sunday ends next week and I am already thinking how can i burn more calories on this day?!

I have a sister in England right now lost quite a bit of weight maybe 20-25lbs but i asked her what she was eating every day 1100 calories is what she said WTF!! how is that acceptable!

20 diets in a lifetime, lol i have probably surpassed that !!

[MzJules]

The Challenge Continues

7/31/14

Pretend for a moment that you are standing all alone in the center of a circle about 60 feet in diameter. The outer line of that circle is surrounded by 100 man eating lions...... What do you do? ........



be back in a day or so

(Luv the PMs I"m getting)

************************************************** *****

So, I came up with a bunch of answers to this dilemma.
1. Look for a weapon, (In the middle of a circle of lions. It would have to be a rapid fire weapon)
2. Rush them screaming and try to break through the line and run. (hahahahahahahaha)
3. scream for help and hope someone comes (With a very big rapid fire weapon)
4. lay down and play dead until they go away (wishful thinking)
5. Pray to God for divine intervention. It could happen. (more wishful thinking)
6. throw dirt and act crazy to scare them. ( oh yeah, that would work)
7. give up and be lunch. There is no way I can win this one

The answer is right there in the question. right at the beginning.

"PRETEND for a moment."

The answer is ... STOP PRETENDING. The point is that I did not look at the situation close enough to understand that it was not really real. I spent an entire 24 hours trying to figure out a problem that was not real.

If you spend most of your time thinking about the problem, all you get is a deeper understanding of the problem. The circle of Lions will close in. It is not the same thing as solving the problem. I was stuck in PRETENDING .
Too solve an issue you have to deal with what is real and not the circling Lions you create. If you want out of the circle of Lions you have to deal with what the real issue is. Instead I took on an imagined problem, gave power to the Lions, and looked to every EXTERNAL means I could to get me out.
If I had instead looked inward to instead solve the riddle in front of me I would have probably said " this is just pretend so....
"all of a sudden out of nowhere the Marines show up in a helicopter with submachine guns blasting the Lions to smithereens and pull me up to the helicopter." Its Pretend!!

The answer was inside me. Not in anything external. It is the difference between true insight and the distortion of indulgence.

I see.

The answers to my challenge are inside me. The real issue is inside me. I am always the common denominator in everything.

The two wolves’ story is about self-­‐mastery andits component pieces. Self-­‐mastery demands self-­discipline, self-­‐restraint, sacrifice, self-­‐denial, self-­‐respect. This is what is meant by the problem is the problem. People look to work on an “external” problem and seek an external solution. For instance, your solution to a body image problem is not a diet. It’s an emotional connection that needs to be unlocked or made visible. Seldom are the external problems the issue. They are only reflective of an
issue. In terms of your own two wolves the truth is both, happy people and successful people make a
habit of doing the things that unfulfilled and unhappy people don’t like to do.

*******************************
I walked about 4 miles today. Not to burn calories, not to make up for the last few days of no exercise but because I wanted to. I just enjoyed what my body was doing and how good it felt. I did not attach it to anything having to do with my appearance or my weight and I walked farther than I have in awhile and it was FUN!. I did not measure it or judge my performance I just exercised for the joy of it.

My goal is to disassociate exercise and food from any kind of external pressures about performance, or outcomes or how I look. No self judgement...... It is very foreign and I slip back into the old mindset a lot. It actually infiltrates just about everything I do.

I am working on developing new principles to operate from in the realm of food and fitness. Something more healthy than just how I look or perform or how I measure and judge and pick myself apart. Not just physically either.
very hard to let go of dieting. I have done it constantly for 45 years.

Time to feel.

[MzJules]

The Challenge Continues

8/9/14

We believe we can have "anything" we want but end up equating that with having "everything" we want. It is a not the same thing. An interesting mindset develops out of this.

I am unable to address the "one thing" I want let alone what I am willing to do or sacrifice to get it. Consider that statement "you can have anything you want" but you cannot have it as part of "everything you want".... we would nod our heads in agreement and say "well of course, I know that. ... but have you considered the thing that you ant spirals into so many other wants and you do not even consider how little you are actually willing to do or sacrifice to achieve that goal...You cushion the goal around a circle of other wants...... How realistic are you being about what you are willing to do to achieve "anything you want". ... I do this. I rationalize how I think it should be in order for me to have it building a greater circle of wants which do not lead me to the thing I say I want.

I want to lose weight and be fit. It is my "anything I want" equation. I get a diet and workout with structure and regimentation .. parts one and two of what I am willing to "do" and "sacrifice"" to achieve the goal. After the honeymoon period and excitement of "anything" I want the reality of "doing" and "sacrifice" ki8ck in.. I still want what I want but with conditions. I want it on my own terms now. So I have added another "want" to the equation.
" I should be able to have more variety in my diet"..... another want.
I need my diet to be more flexible" ....... another want.
I should be able to modify my workouts when I need to... another want.
(these new wants can actually lead to envy and greed)

All of a sudden the thing I say I want so badly , to sacrifice and commit ot ... I am now only willig to commit to it under certain conditions ... (rationalization and distortion of reality)

I am now bordering on "wanting what I want" .. "the way I want it" ... which is bordering on thinking I can have "everything" I want.

So now these new wants and conditions added in change my perspective. I still "want" the end result ... but I begin to question the strategy to get there never questioning my commitment or resolve to the "anything" I said I was so willing to sacrifice and do to "have it" and achieve it"..... Questioning the process rather than questioning myself ... emotional rationalization.

"I should be able to take days off my workouts, enjoy a glass of wine, a Frappucino ... really? so now I have "wants" and "conditions" that are incompatible. I "want" weight loss and fitness and health.. BUT ..I want more flexibility in my diet and I "want" to indulge a sleep in a few times a week rather than go to the gym, while I continue to pretend that I will "sacrifice and "do" what ever it takes to achieve my goal...... Now that "one thing" I want has several other wants and conditions attached to it.

What I am really saying is that I am willing to "do" and "sacrifice" so long as it agrees with what I think it should take.I want the goal to meet me halfway ... adding another "want".

................to be continued

[MzJules]

The Challenge Continues

8/15/14

So I am onto another train of thought now but I did a lot of writing concerning how I attach so many wants onto my original "want". Basically, if you stick with JUST what you originally want you could get it quite easily.

I am experiencing quite a lot of rebellion toward all the rules and structure of the lifestyle. It is because of how I use it. I am still trying to understand how being stuck in all the externals of life have led me here. It's like being in a forest ... someone has handed me a map but I am still too close to the trees to get my sense of direction just yet.

Passion leads to becoming something else. Becoming something greater... and building on itself. It leads to becoming a highly skilled "artist" or "craftsman". You cannot achieve this state if you are only pursuing recipes for success. This leaves out the key ingredient ... which is YOU..... the Art of the artistry itself. ...........
(I will be honest .. I see the truth in all of this but my default settings for behavior and mindset are rather fixed. I will plow on however.)

Obsession. .... concerns itself with mostly externals and the need to perform and endure. Pressure.
So many times you undertake a chosen process – with a specific goal in mind but you end up being concerned and attached to what you willl get ...and what you can get from the goal...rather than what the process of achieving this goal adds to your sense of being – and your depth of self-­‐connection.
(I am so guilty of this kind of thinking and it is exhausting)
With obsession-­‐ there is a constant measuring of everything -­‐ a constant assessment and judgement of all aspects of the process. You view rules as rigid (ME)-­‐ with right vs. wrong assumptions and attachments. Good vs. bad are often assessments based only on your personal attachments to the symbols of the process or the perceived view of success. You begin to skew your own perceptions into a right vs. wrong categorization= within which you can and will judge yourself (ME again)– thereby severing the connection ‘with’ yourself. For example, with exercise
-­‐ You tell yourself you are ‘good’ and ‘right’ if= you have checked off so much time of cardio, exercise, diet, cargbs weighing and measuring proteins etc. ... this is good , this is bad ... constantly measuring yourself by these externals..... daily drama and fixation and the final determination of emotional trauma of NOT deserving your goal outcome because of this arbitrary good vs bad mindset you have set up. It's only true because you think it is but you have put all your thoughts and emotions into it to live as though it is THE TRUTH!
So with your obsession there comes to be an emotional component of rightness and= deserving that has little to do with actual reality
-­‐ and a lot to do with want and need.
Obsession is steeped in ‘want’ and ‘need’. It bears little fruit in the end -­‐ even if it finds what it seeks. All your obsession tends to do is reinforce the very need and want to continue obsessing. This is far different from passion.

Passion. Passion is far more invested in your real self ... no matter what the endeavor is.
Your practice and training in any discipline should serve as a process to know yourself and as such – connecting with yourself is the natural result. But when you doubt the process – you already form a disconnection for what it can offer you – from the inside-­‐out. A process practiced with passion has no need to judge or entertain absolutes like right or wrong or good or bad. There is only a result. There is no real concept of failure because all results have meaning. A result either takes you toward your goal or away from your goal
-­‐or replaces that goal with another because your passion allows you to switch gears as you go.

I just love that last paragraph. There are only results. You just make adjustments.

********Passion is more correctly in tune with enthusiasm. Enthusiasm literally means “The God within”. Passion is intimately connected to the spirit of doing a thing. The nature of this carries with it the logical conclusion that personal success will be the result – regardless of the outcome. It can take you a long time to realize this difference between success from the inside and external outcomes.

Passion allows you to be constantly learning. -­‐ But obsession leads you to merely follow the process
only for the sake of doing so. If an obsessed person has their process interrupted -­‐ they are thrown off, agitated, disrupted, and feel a sense of loss – But a person of passion feels none of these ill effects
because passion IS the process. Your craft, your passion, is in what you do and how you do it. It cannot be lost simply by being interrupted -­‐ because how can you lose what you are, or who you are? It’s only because you do not have a handle on these two aspects of your identity that you are susceptible to confusing what is a weak obsession – with what is actually strong passion and
determination.

Then upon near completion of an accomplishment you will often claim you cannot wait for it to be over with to breath easier for a bit. But what happens? Instead of breathing easier and calmer and more satisfied from seeing your passion through to its conclusion – at the end you instead feel -­‐ a sense of emptiness, anxiety, loneliness, and void. You end up spiritually un-­‐ nourished by the experience because
you become obsessed within it. This happens a lot. Your whole ‘ego-­‐judgement’ of the event takes over
the actual joy or curiosity that began] the event to begin with. And then what usually happens is
you start seeking yet another goal to undertake. Passion is usurped by undertaking challenge for the
sake of reward or validation. (This describes what i have done over and over. )

Passion undertakes a challenge because it is the extension of your authentic SELF. When approached with an inner sense of true passion -­‐ the completion of any undertaking is always a reason for celebration and joy. Outcome has little to do with true passion. Fulfillment is the means and the ends
within a true passionate process.

Watch an infant....they are better able to connect ‘with’ and connect ‘to’ a given activity – without any
other external reasons for doing so.
whatever the endeavor it is underlined by one commonality– they didn’t need any complicated explanation for doing it or pursuing it -­‐ it just made sense to them to do so -­‐ and they follow that inner-­‐guide that inspires them to pursue their natural and pure inclination. Because their minds are able
to pay “attention” within themselves – uncluttered by a lot of externals -­‐ they find and connect with what would eventually serve both their “intention” and their hidden genius. This is exactly what is meant by the phrase -­‐ “genius is an expression, not a creation.”

**************
In every undertaking "the judge" has been with me. My sight has always been on the external outcome and what it may bring me. I have been a seeker of acceptance and validation, approval and what we are all looking for ... love.
No matter what I accomplished it was never good enough. It was as if I never even did anything. It did not matter what anyone said to me about it. Which is so ridiculous because wasn't recognition and approval what I was after? I thought externals would make me happy and fulfilled. But I see now that externals can never be relied on for anything I really need consistently. It must come from within me..
Doing things because they just feel right for me ... to keep my focus in and on my passion. Not on all the voices of judgement and measuring myself,
I really do love the gym. I love lifting weights. I love the feel of it. I love the challenge to my body and how it makes it feel. I love the place I go to when I am so deep in the rhythm of the movement and my breathing and the effort.
It really is an expression of who I am. I am working with light kettle bells and walking. I am doing it only for the joy of it. I am doing this on purpose. Not for any particular;ar outcome. I am eating whole foods only without restriction. I have connected it to a principle that these foods are what will sustain my health and energy and mental wellness. This is my focus.
I understand that none of this reconnecting with self and the letting go of external motivation relieves me of responsibility. I seek Freedom ... With freedom comes great responsibility. I want to be guided by principles, inwardly, that are me. I want to Eat and Workout from pure joy and just be in my body naturally without judgement. But this does not release me from having standards. They are based on principle now however. They come form within me. It is who I am. It is my passion....
This will take some time I am finding but I am going to trust the process and enjoy it. Observe myself and be compassionate when I stumble.

A lot of the writings I am quoting come from Scott Abel's book "Go Deeper To Live Better". I just ordered a couple books on the "Tao".
I am already very challenged by all of this but I am also feeling the change from it.

[MzJules]

The Challenge Continues

8/24/14

[b] A very difficult week. I begin to understand better and better the "Diet Mentality" and how it is a trap. After 45 years of it it is hard to know myself apart from it. There has not been a day when I have not weighed and measured, manipulated scrutinized, judged, analyzed and struggled over food.
There are people who "just eat". They are aware of harmful foods and sugar and such so they avoid these things but do not "fear" them. They do not restrict themselves from ever having it. They understand that these foods are inferior for their health and are aware of it's affect on them. They do not obsess over it.
Like I brush my teeth and wash my hair, I avoid Fluoride and cheap shampoos but I do not obsess about it.

There is a lot of emotional drama in an eating disorder. The extreme high when you are in control and your weight is down, you are in the gym, and your body looks pretty good. Then rebound and the absolute mental distress that takes place over it as you gain even more weight back than you lost because of metabolic breakdown and extreme nutrient restriction. The body creates a new setpoint. From all I have been reading this is a common occurrence among not only dieters in general, of which there are millions, but Female competitors. Men too.
The physiological consequences of long term restriction, over and over again, is metabolic damage. This is not new information. It is simply not widely circulated. It would probably put several industries out of business completely. Put simply, your body is designed to see food and eat it. Your body is also designed to store fat to keep you alive.
About 6 mos ago I went through a period of trying to figure out the physiological reasons behind weight gain. There were several "Guru's" online focusing on one either Insulin Resistance or too much Coritsol or Carbohydrate sensitivity or lack of Ghrellin or low body Temperature, Hormone fluctuations, estrogen, Testosterone, HGH and a bunch more. I dug into it and got some understanding. (These are all REAL responses by the body and they play a huge role in your weight and fat storage, your sexual healthy, physical health and your mental health) ....... But these same Gurus were still pushing very restrictive eating for either fat loss or training purposes and never once mentioned the fact that..........
IT IS NOT THESE CONDITIONS THAT ARE CAUSING YOUR WEIGHT AND FAT ISSUES. IT IS ACTUALLY DIETING THAT IS THE CAUSING YOU TO HAVE THESE ISSUES.
I do not believe these so called experts even know that.
It puts things into a very different light.

Metabolic Damage is a huge subject. I just read an article by "EXPERTS", degrees, PHD"s etc, saying you can heal metabolic syndrome in 2 weeks.
There was a time I would have fallen for that. It is a blanket statement not taking into account the fact that we do not have the same exact metabolic make up as the next person. (Just look at fitness competitors. Some people you look at and you just know they were born for it. Even their metabolisms are way more resilient and able to handle the demands put on it during competition.)
So this is more misinformation with a book and a program for you to buy and fail with because it si not complete info. It is not the whole truth.
They are selling to those who have tried and tried and starved and exercised to death and have injured themselves and so need to allow time to actually heal their bodies if they can at all.

I am in healing. It is a challenging place to be. all the distraction of dieting and obsession and the self hatred involved in working "on" my body as though I was not connected to it has left me not knowing who I really am on many levels. I am so uncomfortable NOT dieting. I am struggling NOT to struggle. I am confused about how to stay in touch with my value as a person and not equating it with how I look.
I am addicted to living in the drama of daily self analysis on an external level only it seems. I am self centered and narcissistic. It pains me to think of myself this way. I am immature. Real discipline takes maturity. Will power and discipline are not the same thing.

to be continued

I just had a thought as I was getting ready to go out. I feel like there is a huge shift taking place in my life again. I feel very odd even in my usual activities. It is not because anything OUTSIDE of myself is changing. It is because my perceptions are changing. I am becoming more inwardly focused. I am replacing values. I am developing new integrity with which to stand stronger. I am in so much discomfort I can feel the emotional pull to numb myself with food. The critic is trying to step in, the Judge is waiting for the fall........... and none of it is real.
I have to just stay in this discomfort and get used to the change. I have done it before. I can do it again.

[MzJules]

The Challenge Continues

9/1/14

From within you is the decision of power vs. force. Power -> is the stuff of fortitude and will. And if you have these, you can cultivate them unabated, and as renewable resources from within. These powers come from the well-spring of personal power. Therefore there is no "try" attached to them - only pure effort. They will always be there as power to implement and grow yourself.

But then there is the energy of Force. Force -> engages the elements of anxiety, nerves, and general angst. This engages the fuel of willpower which engages the energy of resistance - these are self-exhausting energies. They create the notions of "trying harder" which exhausts you further. And as you resist exhausting energy sources to try and FORCE yourself into feeling better and doing better and being better, you just diminish yourself and who you are!

You can either reach a crescendo with your efforts; or you can find yourself at a precipice, because of them.

I am trying to learn to be still. To listen and connect. How do I feel? what do I really want? Who am I in this world? ..... and what does this all have to do with physical fitness?

I am addicted to rules and formulas and systems. I am addicted to my struggle and all the drama it creates. All this distraction from how I really feel? The challenge feels greater now.
I am feeling more and more....... of my own REAL pain.
I am feeling less and less........ of the drama I create to escape that pain.

I am consciously making the decision to walk through it. To NOT start another diet and exercise regimen to avoid all this pain. (It got so bad last night I almost walked into a GNC and bought the most intense Fat Burner I could find. ) You know the kind that destroys your appetite and jacks you up so high. It gives you a false sense of control.

I don't feel like I can make any sense right now. I am a ball of pain trying to function. What the pain is about doesn't even matter anymore. No blame or regrets or guilt or judgement. I face this head on. I have been somewhat immobilized by it but this is my reactive self. Old conditioning. I see it for what it is.

In the midst of all this I am trying to apply a new strategy. A new way of thinking and ACTING. I will not use anything external to numb or disconnect from myself. I will not abandon myself with food and over exercising and too much TV or studying obsessively or burying myself in the troubles of others.

I will not abandon myself.

******* I used the treadmill yesterday for about an hour! Unusual for me. I was moving hard. when I finished I felt joyful. I did it only for that reason. It felt good to me. my body liked it. It had nothing to do with burning calories or fat or how it was going to make me look. I was just "in it" and it was great

Is that what is refered to as "the Zone?" .... I will look into that further. I wish to just live that way all the time. What a concept!!


One thing about writing in a blog or on the net or ******** etc is that there is the ability to put forth the "act" of authenticity. but it is so easy to make everything seem so much better or "different" from how things actually are. I do not wish to do this at all here.
Someone looking at me might think I am not doing very well with my weight and fitness goals right now but they would be wrong.

For the first time in my life I am authentically dealing with the issues behind a serious eating disorder. Many women in the fitness lifestyle do indeed suffer from the same. No matter how great they look. There is an even bigger population of women in general who are suffering. Daily rejection of self and their bodies.

Physical fitness does not equate to mental and emotional fitness as I can attest to. It does not take care of anything except you have a great "looking" bod. Whether or not you are actually healthy is another matter.

It is a huge subject and an important women's issue.

[MzJules]

The Challenge Continues

9/5/14

Know What You Are Thinking

[b] "The Universe responds in the affirmative." "What ever the mind can conceive and believe it can achieve" ... "As you say, so goes it".....and on and on.

What does this really mean? .. It is about consciousness and the power of your mind to direct reality and your experiences..... Whatever you dictate to your consciousness, whatever your self talk, it can and does manifest into reality.....

Law of attraction.

Basically you create your own circumstances. You create your own reality including what you struggle with.... What you say and think can reinforce and cement your own unwanted issues..... I have known this for a long time. But I have not "known" my own thinking patterns. The ones in place that I think and have thought for decades. I have tried to overwrite some and I have succeeded to a degree. I am better in many ways.

Your consciousness absolutely believes everything you tell it. ... It takes dictation like a very efficient secretary. When you make a declaration or proclamations your consciousness believes it. It agrees with you. Then it goes to work to make it truth on your behalf....So, what you are experiencing is a direct reflection and consequence of your own thoughts.... You are living out of your own thought declarations.... Hmmmm... Like>>>
*when I get stressed I lose it and have to eat
*I am emotionally injured from a bad upbringing so I have an eating disorder
*I am powerless to overcome this compulsion to numb myself
*I can't workout because Im embarrassed to go to the gym
*I will be judged
*I can't follow an eating plan
* I can't stick to any routine
*I have no self control
* Because of the challenges with family I can't take care of myslef
*Poor me. I cannot handle all this
*I will start tomorrow
*I can't fight for myself
*This is just what I do
*I wish I could just disappear
*If I was slim everything else would be great
*I am a failure
..............and on and on and on.

So I start another diet as my solution. Massive surge of "Will" when I can call it up and I am off into all the false control,.... numbing again not from too much food but from "controlled food and exercise and obsession and self judgement if I don't do it perfectly and constant measurement and stress over out comes.... daily. So strict. So obsessed. How many times have I done it. Hundreds over 45 years.

But it is not a diet problem. It is a thinking and "saying" problem.... It begins in the mind and my mind works overtime to help me make sure all I "say" is true.

If I think "I can't stop bingeing then the declaration becomes a truth in my consciousness. It "BELIEVES" I want to binge, that binge eating is a mandate. It is my inner and outer lives coming into agreement.

And what about other thoughts ...
"I'm not good enough
"I don't deserve it
"Not smart enough
"not talented enough
"not pretty enough
"hardgainer
"too weak
"ectomorph
"No genetics
"too shy
..... etc, etc.... these all become proclamations. From thinking to consciousness, it becomes truth. It believes everything you dictate to it.

AND ... when you repeat "Why can't I just get past this or that?" Your consciousness responds in agreement. Not to answer it but to agree that "you can't do it".... Your consciousness will manifest all the reasons "why you can't" (back to above lists or whatever you can add to that).... It is following your directions and taking dictation and then goes to work.

What about "I WANT?"
*my life back
*to lose weight
*to be healthy
*to be free from addiction
*to feel better
*to be happy
*to love someone, relationship
*more money
*position............................again ... etc, etc, etc.

Well ... the proclamation and declaration is not "to be" or "to have" all these things but just "to want" them. You keep recreating circumstances that keep you in "I want"...... No solutions..... and just changing behavior through sheer will power does not work either as I can attest to. Not for the long term. It's exhausting.

Is going from one diet to another really going to solve my weight issue when the issue is not a diet problem but a "thinking" or "mindset" problem?

NO!!

Yet decade after decade I have taken run after run at the task oriented solution of diet after diet.... Workout after workout ... gym membership after gym membership..... Changing behavior alone does not work.
.
I have been tracking it. I make declarations and proclamations all day everyday and my consciousness is believing me. Like a little kid it takes me at every word.....
Whatever I say............ it has been believing..... It is very old stuff. Very repetitive and automatic.

I have stopped numbing. Bingeing or restricting, they both numb. I can hear what I say to myself now. ..I am not about to go on a diet or coming off of a diet or planning a diet or intricate workout schedules and timed feedings and menus or packing meals nor am I letting it go and bingeing everyday seeking the drugged effect of food and then the drama of remorse and self judgement and reproach, the very negative self talk and declarations of failure. No matter which end of the spectrum I am on, in control and losing or out of control and gaining it is one big numb out and disconnect with myself and the world. A total drama and a lie ... that I have invented .. created... thought about and spoken into existence.

It is so weird not being on a diet or trying to start one everyday. The first couple weeks I felt like ...well ... this



I am feeling... I am learning about myself ......... because you can't change what you don't understand.

[dietman82]

Great!

[MzJules]

So if you’re using food to affect/deflect how you think or feel in a given moment; then you need to realize you are self-medicating. There’s a difference between using food to alter unwanted emotion and ‘allowing food’ to ADD TO a positive event or celebration. What you need to learn is the difference here. Food ‘can’ be used as part of serving a larger contented life – and NOT ever used as a substitute for one!

Self awareness.

I have stopped chasing recipes and formulas. another distraction. I know what to do and if I need guidance I know where to get it.

I accidentally erased my post from last night. ... It was full of blah blah blah ... Ha!!

No accident?

[pphelps83]

I enjoyed reading through this!! Great insight

[MzJules]

The Challenge Continues

9/16/14

About Discipline ...WTH is it anyway?

[b] Mental discipline ...problems are teachers ... ... controlling emotions ... learning from situations, circumstances, challenges...no fear of making decisions, Not making a decision is still making a decision ..one with no merit, fortitude or mental discipline.
any decision you make follows you forever..good and bad.
I find wisdom hiding in my challenges ..opportunity..something to grow from. The answer is always very close to the problem.

"You can suffer the pain of daily discipline or the pain of eventual regret." discipline weighs as a feather. Regret weighs a ton" ...
I know.

It is not that I lack discipline. I have had such impressive bouts of it in my life. I have been admired for my dedication and skills. But my inability to discipline mental, physical and spiritual all together .... to do the hard things .... has held me back and kept me feeling unworthy because we always know when we are being self indulgent. ..I mean ... I was always good at being disciplined at what I "liked" to do....thus "self indulgence". and I was amazingly good at creating the circumstances for it..... but I never went as far as I could have because of it.

Your destiny is a matter of either choosing or ignoring your potential and then acting accordingly.....Woah! ... Read that several times.

Question for the week....
........How well am I doing at TRUE self invested ACTION?
........Do I demonstrate the presence of authentic discipline in my life and for my life?
Discipline exercised consistently leads to empowerment, fortitude and courage.

Back to Self indulgence .... this type of discipline is a pretense. When it comes time to really deliver the whole package, when times get tough, when you must step up and show all your cards,..... EXPOSED ...then you cannot hide or fake your "mettle" ... or lack of preparation.... TO DELIVER and keep your head. this the test of balanced discipline.
It is independent and does the "hard thing" which leads to true problem solving, wisdom and clear judgement, self control, confidence and even a greater ability to love....Without independent discipline we become stiff and reactionary.... more easily controlled and led. You can't think for yourself and the combo of undisciplined thought combined with emotional "clouds" well .... you get someone stuck in their "stuff'... immobilized really.

(I am thinking of the diet industry. All the promises of a new way to NOT have to work to GET what you say you want. LOOK OVER HERE!! THIS PILL WILL DO IT ALL!!!) .... Chasing a lie. Failing. Blaming yourself. Then a new chase. ...Looking for the easy way .. self indulgence.
Exercised, honed mental discipline leads to mental clarity.


****************************

You never find "truth"..... You never find "respect".... you don't suddenly trip over it, recognize it and then become magically transformed into this perfect enlightened being. ... More self indulgent thinking.

If you begin to understand discipline it teaches you must work for these things..... focus, diligence and true achievement is the reality of true discipline..... Understanding and accepting the obligations of true achievement and then "DOING IT" as the process unfolds.
"it is far easier to do your own thing than to do the disciplined thing".

(THIS .. has been my great challenge. I have mostly done whatever I want. I cannot even begin to name all the ways it has limited me and created the exact opposite of what I said I wanted. .... I understand so much better why Skip taught so much on "mindset" and "thinking".)

Doesn't take much discipline to follow the herd either ... paved road, directed, sunny day, follow this program ... Baaaaaaaaaaah

But a Champion can follow an unpaved road and usually makes her own. endless obstacle, storms, being alone, and all the rest. The Champion of Spirit says yes to the path and practices the discipline to follow it.

You can use incredible discipline also in pursuits that really do not move your life forward at all. ... the list is long. You can have great potential in one area and waste your discipline in another.


Anyway ... it is one thing to have talent and abilities ... another to deliver them.
DISCIPLINE IS A FORM OF DELIVERY,TURNING TALENT INTO ABILITY OVER TIME.

and discipline is not some form of radiation chemotherapy you apply toward some external force.

Erich Fromme
"It is essential however that discipline not be imposed upon oneself from the outside, but that it becoames an expression of one's will. that it is felt as pleasant, and that one accustoms oneself to a kind of behavior which eventually one would miss if one stopped practicing it.
It is one of the unfortunate concepts of our Western concept of discipline , that it's practice is supposed to be "painful"-and only if it is "painful" can it be good.
Eastern philosophy has recognized for some time that that which is good for man - for his body and soul - must also be agreeable, even though at the beginning some resistance must be overcome."

So this has me thinking that the "conditioned " thinking around self discipline can be shed.

*****And here is the rub for me as far as food and weight and body image. the truth is you develop greater awareness by exercising discipline ---NOT TOWARD YOUR APPETITES-- BUT TOWARD YOUR THOUGHTS..... This is the mental and emotional discipline essential to empowering yourself to let go of unwanted issues****


How many times have I heard this truth? Many. .... but I have been stuck in the externals.

We never stop growing and learning if we keep seeking the answers......and that takes discipline too. to handle the "inbetween" time as Skip puts it.

[skiplacour]

You need to get this out where more people can see it, Jill.

A blog...even ********....little by little every day.

Don't you love reading people's journey on social media?

People will love this stuff.

Skip

The Challenge Continues

9/17/14

Wow...2 posts in 2 days!

Polarity ... Male/Female ...

[b] I was thinking about ways to share my journey with other women. I intend to eventually. There are over 28 million women in the US with eating disorders of various types and manifestations. Some are quite serious and even lead to death and organ damage. I have met women who like a gambler have spent all their money on food only to throw most of it up.. They would even steal food from stores eating as they shopped. I met a woman once who told me she ate boxes of Bisquik with water till her stomach hurt and then threw it all up.. Then the other extreme..Anorexia. 22ys old...5'6" ..98lbs and she thinks she is FAT! ...Severe cases in need of real professio0nal help but there is at the root of all this a lie and a womans injured heart. I would like to be able to help women deal with eating disorders ...... I am preparing, so to speak.
When I was a Worship Leader in a church, I conducted the Music portion of the services, leading people in worship. One of the things I learned doing that is that you cannot lead anyone anywhere you have not been yourself. I mean you can try but it lacks substance. People do try as the internet is full of "experts" and "gurus" who do not really know what hell they are talking about. It is easy to copy and paste info and present yourself as an expert. And when it comes to the "diet and fitness" industry the internet is rife with charlatans I think. but there is even more to this. More than just the food issue and the self image. ...

Two weeks after I found Skip and the Challenge , I bought a Mass Pak of MMNutrition and got a free Coaching call with Skip. ... I remember I was scared to death. Right before the call I remember saying to myself ..."What the hell are you doing joining a Challenge filled with young male bodybuilders ( I learned later there were many ages) but the question still rattled my confidence and I honestly could only answer that I was so attracted to the motivational part of Skip's approach. It felt so authentic and well... look at him! ... he must know everything I need to learn to change my body!! Ok so, there are women who could have helped me too. The question would still cross my mind over the next couple years.

Today I sat by the water and the question came up again as I worked on how I would present what I have learned so far. Why did I choose a venue so charged with Testosterone and well ..Manformation and Alpha Males and MEN? .... The answer became so obvious to me today..... a real aha moment.

A bad divorce, followed by 20 years in the church after shutting down in many ways brought me to a very bad ending with the church and God. (That's been reframed and much healthier now). As I thought about what had happened to me in that frame...church ... I really shut down the Female. Completely disconnected with my sexuality and any notions of ever having a relationship again.. The church is the perfect place for that. It is condoned in fact to totally sacrifice yourself for the Church". It is where I got so fat. I was seriously eating emotions and stuffing my sensuality and I was being a "good girl". I see now that I was in the fight of my life and I remember I felt a great emptiness inside no matter how much time I spent on my face weeping before God.

To cut to the chase, after I left almost 2 years later I just woke up in every way possible. The power of it was alarming at first. That is when I began to reconnect with myself as a woman, as a sexual being, Female, Feminine and that is when the weight began dropping off.
I cannot possibly recount all that transpired during this time but to be plain, I wanted connection with a Man again. I did not know at the time just what that meant actually. For me at the time it was a physical thing mostly.... external ... like every other driver I had.
It eventually began to soften and I became very drawn to everything soft and girly and began to appreciate women and even my relationships with women began to develop in a very healthy and supportive way. I have been studying the Feminine Arts ever since ie ....well, I won;t go into that but I even began studying men and women and changing my surroundings. It has been quite a journey.
So, in the midst of all this, I was doing the Challenge and working on myself, going to school and stomping the living daylights out of that "good girl" to get down to ME... Ha! .... And interesting isn't it that that is what dealing with my food issues is about too? ... Getting down to ME. The REAL me. Knowing who I am without all the f**king filters of religion and social conditioning and lies I have believed about how I should think and act and what I AM. ... Saying "up yours" to ideals foisted on me by parents and society and such a deep need to feel accepted and loved that I starved myself and worked out (yes, I worked at Jack LaLanne European health club and several others when I was young). Even then big boobs and a tight ass were great assets and got you lots of attention. But I never felt accepted fully because you see ... I had not ever accepted myself!! You cannot get it from another person. YOu must develop it with in yourself. And having someone appreciate your body never touches the deep places and so you are never satisfied.

Ok so .... Polarity and all that Testosterone I was in the midst of..... at a safe distance ..

Here it is ... my aha. .... What attracts a man to a woman is her femininity. The feminine in her calls up his masculinity and vice versa. This is a powerful thing. The more feminine a woman is the more Alpha the male she wants. The more Alpha the Male, the more feminine he wants. It is called Polarity. Now of course we all have our male and female sides but a Man wants a woman who knows how to make him feel like a man and woman loves a Man who can make her feel like a Woman. It's just true. ... A woman can help a man reach great heights. ...The woman stirs his need to provide and conquer. that is a high value to him.
there is so much to this but my point is that the reason I was so attracted to the venue I ended up in was because of this polarity. .... I needed to be around men. ... and with all the Alpha Male teaching Skip presents to men I learned so much listening and watching. And I will say it because I believe he deserves it. Skip is a real man. Believe me, for 2 years I studied him and everything he said and did and wrote, his relationship with his wife and how he conducted his business and well just everything.
It was one of the best things I could have done for my personal development.
The point of the point is that all the discomfort and uncertainty I felt being in that venue called up the feminine in me. And now as I begin to put it together with where I am at right now in my journey I see that women with eating disorders are not only disconnected with who they are as human beings but who they are as Women and all that implies.

I am bringing the Feminine into all I am becoming and I have never felt so calm and peaceful within myself. It is one more piece of the puzzle.

In that phone call with Skip he said that I had an obligation to deliver a message to the world. Believe me, I was inspired but I was too small in my mind at the time. ...I could barely talk to him let alone the world. I couldn't see it. I believe it now.

[MzJules]

The Challenge Continues

9/18/14

Thanks Skip ... I will.

I erased the last post. Skip replied before I made that decision. I didn't see it till later. ... I felt very exposed after I wrote all that.

OK .. I have been saying I will start a blog, I will take this as a sign ...... .. I actually have one somewhere... hmmm.. where is it??

the truth is you develop greater awareness by exercising discipline ---NOT TOWARD YOUR APPETITES-- BUT TOWARD YOUR THOUGHTS..... This is the mental and emotional discipline essential to empowering yourself to let go of unwanted issues****

I am not going to do anything to hurt myself today... not with food, lack of self care or my words and thoughts. I am going to let my love out and I will start by loving me.

[pphelps83]

As skip said MZj an excellent read above and very open in your writing !!

[MzJules]

The Challenge Continues

9/21/14

Who am I Being

[b] Like anything else, what I am trying to acquire...wellness, balance, right thinking ... takes work especially if it does not come naturally or you have some other deep seeded conditioning resisting change. And you can't read or study your way there. .... I am so good at gathering information. I always have been. I should have been a researcher. How many thousands of hours have I spent studying motivation, spirituality, the Bible, hundreds of diets and exercise technologies, psychology books etc.
But you must do the actual work in order to reap the experience of what you are seeking.
I have a ton of knowledge but lack substance...... It's like working and not getting paid for it. What do you have .. nothing.
You can't grow flowers reading a book. Putting your hands in the dirt and planting and watering and doing the work. ... you only earn what you work to produce.
I know that.

So I am seeking balance in all areas. I really have been very one dimensional in my life .... a lot. I have not been as self aware as one needs to be in order to really participate in ones own life....... That sounds so strange to me. How can I not be participating. I am always here. But if I think about it..... really ... no, I have not been present A LOT!!! I have spent a lot of time in shame and guilt and fear and anger over the past and worrying about the future all while being driven by the numbing behavior of either bingeing or restricting.
Plato said .. the most difficult person for you to truly see and understand -is you.

It has been a month now with out dieting. I still feel the urge to start one everyday but instead I say to myself ...REALLY? You really want to be doing this till you die? Losing and rebounding? Isn't 40 years of that s*** enough?
I am still responsible for food choices I make but I am trying to develop a normal relationship with food. ...
I am still in a state of confusion around that and try not to judge myself everytime i put something in my mouth. Tearing apart it's composition and what affect it is going to have on my "weight". It feels WEIRD!

This well being I seek is a state of mind.
It's very confusing for me too because what I seek is Self Mastery and one component of self mastery is "Self Control". But self control is not Self denial. When you have self Mastery there is no emotional self denial and so there are no issues like 'eating' issues" or "guilt" issues etc... There is no emotional self-denial. There doesn't have to be. You know how you feel. You are connected to yourself and simply manage yourself.
Self control under Self Mastery comes from a nurturing place , not a self denying place. It means that self discipline is not something measured as a test, it is something lived .. not practiced -

I am aware I have not been a very good long term thinker. I mean that I say I want this or that in so many years but being a long term thinker requires you to examine whether or not what you are doing NOW is going to make you the person you want to be then. You can be passionately involved in a thing now that cannot serve you for the long term AND it can outright stunt your growth..

Who Will I be, if I continue being who I am right now? If you think about who you are being now then project that 5 or 10 years from now, then ask ... Will you be the desired you by following the path you are on?.

I found some old journals the other night with all the work I was doing to get my ministerial Credentialing. I was studying the Bible. I was a seeker of truth. ..... I can report that in those journals are some of the exact same things I struggle with now. I am still in the same battle with food that I was then. In the same place with regards to my ED. I have developed in many other ways but honestly, I can say that I am exactly the same as I was then in many ways and this was 20 years ago!!!!!!!!!

I AM REALLY UPSET BY THIS!!! ... I HAVE WASTED SO MUCH TIME!! ... CRAP!!....I AM STILL LOSING AND GAINING THE SAME WEIGHT!! ....... end of yelling

Conclusion ... what you can see and witness with a short term emphasis with out matching long term perspective is that even good things when taken to extreme become bad things ... ie dieting ...healthy things can create sick things.

So, Who Am I Being? reflected on to "Who Will I be long term"? becomes more about values than behaviors. It becomes about Self Mastery than any current obsession..... How is my current pursuit of fitness, diet knowledge, beauty... whatever ... fitting into a long term question of "Who Will I be?
This is making me really examine everything I am doing now very closely.... does it all line up with my values. Does my behavior line up with my values right now? .... am I compromising in any ways that undermine my self confidence, self image, my self esteem.
Compromise.
I understand now .... I see it is at the point of COMPROMISE that the whole process of self denial and restriction and obsession kicks in.
My ED is more about who I am BEING than it is about food.

Who am I being? Who will I become from being this way? Am I doing this from a place of self loving or self loathing - neutrality or emptiness? .... it is a question of constant self investment in considering the long term consequences of my behavior. I have been ignoring that . Disconnected and compartmentalized. ...

Who am I being?
Who will I become? ....

The question is helping me become more rational and less impulsive. ....
New habits forming.
The coordination of thinking this way feels so unusual to me. I get it and I don't.. It is like the work I do. I am still training after 2 years. There are so many levels to it and It is so complex and you must learn to stay in the place of "NOT KNOWING" until you "get it".

Well ,, I am definitely not bored.

[stretchmarkshop]

sounds great but not too sure about this

[MzJules]

[QUOTE=MzJules;1294415721]The Challenge Continues

10/8/14

I have been diving very deeply into this whole Eating Disorder epidemic and it's myriad origins. I mean the origins for me personally and the Rampant indoctrination into the ED club going on as we speak daily.
I want to correct my earlier statistics.
1 in 4 women in this country will have a serious eating disorder in their lifetime. 7 out of 10 will experience an EDNOS. or An eating disorder that is not Bulemia, Anorexia or Bingeing............... It's alarming.
Little girls as young as 4 and 5 are going on diets.
As women, we have more freedom and rights and money and everything than ever in history yet we are just about the most self abusive, self demeaning, self destructive generation ever.

there are so many reasons for this but one biggie that I am researching closely right now is the Beauty Industry. the Machine that cranks out an endless supply of messages that "THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR BODY< YOUR APPEARANCE AND YOUR BEAUTY" , leaving women constantly judging each body part and then disconnecting from themselves because it's too much to bear. The only way to get you to buy into the Message is by making you INSECURE enough to be susceptible to it. ...... The Beauty complex, fitness industry, Supplement Industry, cosmetics, and Plastic Surgery ... they all play off each other. these messages from a very early age wreak havoc on the Female psyche........
Our bodies, our faces, our lives become a war zone. We disconnect from ourselves and treat our bodies as something that must be perfected to match an ideal that 95% of women will never achieve. And with photoshopping really, the models don't even look that good in real life. ... It's an illusion.

Eating well and exercising and caring for your body should come from a place of self nurturing and self determination as well as be an expression of who you are as a woman. To please yourself, to challenge and grow yourself and SCREW what anyone else thinks about how you look or what you are doing........ NOT to live up to some ideal that is marketed and sold as how you must look to be healthy. Most will never fit that mold and so a large percentage spend their lives in self hatred and pain over an insane obsession. Your value and Identity becomes completely wrapped up in how you look and your self worth. They are selling body insecurity.
This is just one piece of a very complex pie. All the right pieces in one woman creates the Perfect Storm. Women are actually dieing over this.

7 out of 10 women are experiencing this on some level in this country. Talk about a shared experience.

My point today. YOU CANNOT SELF REJECT YOURSELF INTO HEALTH AND BEAUTY.

I am setting up a blog... opening soon ... very simple .. Im gonna be very raw about this journey. Deconditioning can be messy work.

[MzJules]

[QUOTE=MzJules;1300448051][QUOTE=MzJules;1294415721]The Challenge Continues

10/9/14

Addendum to the post below

The way the industry markets body insecurity to us is by creating a one size fits all female ideal AND one that is all about appearance. There are other ways the Feminine is idealized but that used to be about "empowerment". That can't work for marketing beauty products and supplements and plastic surgery because you do not feel the need to rely on these so much when you are empowered.
So they make the ideal more and more desirable and less and less attainable.
It is exploitation and without it all these industries would crumble.

[MzJules]

The Challenge Continues

10/11/14

Another Addendum to the last 2 posts .. or etc, etc, etc,

This comes up a lot for me ..... how the hell do I think about all of this then?

It feels like being told that all my motivations are wrong which I do agree with in regards to my body. That I have accepted a mindset that keeps me constantly in a state of self judgement and misery over an ideal that is manufactured by industries that push body insecurity inducing me to buy their next product or diet or whatever.. A great machine cranking out the message everyday that there is something wrong with my body and that they have the answer all the while knowing that I will fail and then be set up to buy the next new shiny PROMISE that never delivers because it's a damn lie!.

From what I have read and think I understand so far, the bullseye is shifting what your true motivation is for being healthy.
That if I choose to eat in a certain way it is because it is an expression of self determination and not compulsion to achieve some "look" that I attach my "value" as a woman to. It instead enhances what I already am and how I already feel about myself. "It does not MAKE me "feel" anything because I already feel that way. It is an expression of self love already present inside me and does not seek the approval or attention from anything outside of myself because I do not need it.

I would never do Narcotics of any kind. I do not give this a second thought. It is who I am. It is not an issue. I never think about it. You could put it in front of me and I would simply dismiss it and go on my way.

These messages I have been conditioned to believe and and act from .... this is a narcotic I have indulged in. It is lethal and destructive. Like a Narcotic women are actually dieing from it.

The Message. I feel it's tentacles all over me. But I am beginning to connect with the real me. I am still here. I am entangled in a web but I can see the web and I can feel myself in it. I am still there. .......
I understand. I have to connect with Jill and bring her out and love her and be her friend. Allow her to develop and grow and be free from all the lies about who she thinks she should be and what she should look like.

This is about cultivating a new friendship with someone I don't really know all that well....... It's not about food at all.

I may be repetitive here but it is a huge subject.

[MzJules]

[QUOTE=MzJules;1301137171]The Challenge Continues

10/12/14

I am rereading all my posts for the last mos or so. It can seem confusing I suppose to someone into BB and training where discipline and control are so important. I am not saying that overall structure, regimentation, and accountability (to someone like a Coach ... the right Coach ... a knowledgeable, experienced and caring Coach) - no one is saying these are "bad" things. HOWEVER, it's the mindset driving these things - that makes them either imprisoning or liberating - more like to fail, or more likely to succeed! ..... The big WHY are you doing this in the first place. And is it enhancing your life or cutting you off from it. And if you really think that once you achieve that "look" that your life will somehow be OK, that you will somehow get everything you want, that you will finally be happy, well, this is backwards. My last few posts explain this..