Banged up and bruised, but still okay....

[jbonsall]

Hi. We've probably already met, you just don't know my name. I'm the girl always in the corner in a group, I'm funny - the two times you heard me speak. Call me at 3am and yes, I'll come pick up your drunk-*ss up at the bar. Nevermind it's my only night off and I wasn't invited to join you guys, even though I actually know 3/4 of you. I helped her and her move... and never heard from them again. But it's okay. That's what friends do. Sure I'll help you renovate and paint your entire house. Oh, you don't know how eh? Yeah, you should just sit at your table and ******** your friends, that's a great idea. I'm here to help, right? Oh, I know you would invite me for supper now that it's 6pm, but you only made enough for you and your husband and son. I'll just rush home and grab something later. Only I didn't. I mean, really, why does this fat*ss of mine deserve to eat? Did I do anything spectacularly worthy of eaing that today? No. Exactly. I had three kids in three years. Consecutively. Yes, yes that does give every woman I work with the right to comment how fat I've gotten. It's obvious isn't it? Nevermind that at most I gained 20 pounds each time. If I was worth more than that would I have been called a F*cking idiot at every. single. job. I've had? I'm not. A f*cking idiot that is, yet... Would the boss I had at 18 tried to shove my head in a toilet because it didn't "smell" clean enough? Would my "best friend" have left me with over 2,000 dollars worth of bills when I was 19? Even though I took her in after her mom kicked her out. I supported her and her huge dog on minimum wage at a job where a crack addict threatened to kill me every day after work; he literally paced outside my door yelling at me to "come out here you f*cking c*nt, I'm going to f*cking kill you!" He could have appreciated the fact that I came over occasionally to cook for his pregnant 17 year old girlfriend and his 18 year old son because he was too busy smoking and shooting up to buy food. He didn't. Odd. Maybe it's because I've always been "the chubby one" just ask my grandmother. She'll tell you. My mom did try to help me. Pinching my love handles when I was 11 on up made me realize I should lose weight. Yet when I did her 2 week fast (as in only drinking water during the day) I didn't really lose weight. Weird. She swore it would get rid of my gut....

But now?

Hi. Let me introduce myself, my name is Jen. I'm 31 right now, a little dissapointed that I missed my 30th "you have your life in order" birthday. But I forgive myself and I'm working on it. I have three awesome kids and a supportive husband who listens patiently as I work out things in my head. As I learn to accept myself, flaws and all. I'm moving in 19 days. And I'm excited!! I'll have a home gym, which I will use damn near everyday. I'm am massively interested in BJJ and recieved an MMA bag for Christmas from my Hubby. I have a goal of being down to 20% bf by my birthday - February 11th, 2011. I am aware that leaves me open to failure, but for the first time in my life. That's okay. I'm writing this because it affirms to myself that I can put myself out there (theoretically, since I have no idea if I'll be the only one "in" this journal, but the thought is there.) I can take care of myself and NOT be selfish, risk failing and I am still lovable, funny, creative, an f*cking awesome mother and wife, a dedicated direct support worker, an awesome friend -even if no one else has the opportunity to find out- I can kick-ass, swear occasionally (but not in front of my children) drink occasionally and I'm still a lady, despite my mother convincing me for years that if I only lost weight I'd have friends and be happy, I am a happy, hyper and unlimited free spirit and everything else that I've forced down about myself. I am fighting to be me. And I will win.

[jbonsall]

...starting now. I'm going for an asthmatic run tonight. Grab the inhailers, pump up the mp3 and just... go. I've prepared about 25 chicken breasts four different ways today. Seasoned and grilled. As ground "sausage" for the mornings (I made up the recipe today and it kicks azz!) in patties for hubby in the mornings (he's addicted to tim's breakfast sandwiches. This is waaaay healthier) and "stir fry" flavour. LoL. I'm feeling soo much better just making a concerted effort to eat consistently the past two days. Who knew I could feel so much better in so short a time? Of course I could do without the kids constantly screaming today... it's rainy, they are young and bored. *shrugs* And of course I'm working my *ss off packing so I don't have my "usual" extra time to play. Plus we are in a little apartment. That makes it 1000x worse. Still feeling oddly optimistic. I've run through the music channel on Bell like, three or four times already. I can't. take. anymore.... no more Justin Beiber OR Miley Cyrus!! Please. I beg you.

Done my walk/run now... made it into an interval type run. My asthma and un-fitness won't let me do more. The last 3 minutes were spent trying not to puke (totally serious) LoL... Got a stitch in my side and no asthma attack, but came thisclose....

[jbonsall]

0739
I feel awesome! Work last night went pretty damn good, even managed this morning without getting swore at once! LoL. I think, no... I know getting out of this damn little apartment was the best thing I've done in ages. Real and true "me time". No one demanding anything of me, just what I ask of myself. And when I told my body to run, it DID! Now to make sure I eat since I've been up for about 2.5 hours now, hmmm, will have to think of something to bring with me on the weekends when I'm on until 0900 because that's waaaaaay too long to go without eating. (I can't believe that I said that!) Today I'm going to prep some more meals. It's just pouring outside right now, it's the perfect day to get in some cooking... between all the packing and cleaning that is

[jbonsall]

*streeeeetch* Oh, I got in some good cardio today! Went to the ReStore and found some more things for the house... I can't wait to move! Even though I hate HAte HATE packing... I'm so proud of myself! I ate five meals so far today! I rock! I rock! LoL. Last night of work then I get two nights off! I'm going to enjoy that soooo much! Of course that means I have more time to pack and clean and pack and clean and... OH! But I'm going to take some time to run a couple circuits at the park. I'm thinking of running around the lake (intervals of course) then doing some upper body work like pushups and dips. Three times should do the trick!!! I'm inviting the Fit Club to go so I'm hoping someone shows up. Wish me luck!

[jbonsall]

Ugh, after last night at work I really wish I had my MMA bag up right now.... Still doing some bw exercises, but I only have puny 10 pound weights here I'm going for high reps to make up for the measly weight. LoL. I'm really feeling good about everything, I'm going to Smaaaaaaaash my goals this time 'round. I'm more confident and happy so I'm not going to be fighting myself so much. Going to look at a cable weight station tonight and see if it's got enough weight to make it worth buying (it's second-hand) or if we should just keep looking because there have been a lot of people selling their BoFlex for like, $500 or so... So that's an option too. I'm also thinking of attaching a couple leg raise "harness'" to the ceiling as well. This gym is gonna kick *ss! LoL. Treadmill for snowy-day cardio, pull up bar, MMA bag, weight benches, barbells and dumbells, exercise ball, jumprope and a band. Oh! and the cable station if it's worth it! I can't wait! Best part is it's not costing us a fortune! We got most of it second hand!

[hope2bme]

Wonderful journal...I will be following along!

[jbonsall]

Thanks! It will become more "training/nutrition" orientated once I've moved... But I've found that as cliche'd as it sounds I really can't move forward until I've dealt with and let go of the things holding me back... which for is for the most part... me. And what helps me with that, is thought and writing. I'm just so PUMPED to really dig in and start!!!! LoL Happy Friday to you too!

[jbonsall]

Okay, went to check out the home gym/cable system.... awesome! checked it out online and new it's $2,500 and buddy's selling it to us for $400!!! I'm uber excited. It's fully adjustable, can even do cable kickbacks (imma have an awesome glute-ham tie in when I'm done ) plus a lat pulldown attachment for my pullup goal AND it goes to over 200 lbs. I think I'll have hit my goal before I even come close to that weight. Most I've done so far is 80lbs for 8-10 reps. YAY! I almost couldn't stop talking about my home gym plans to the guy when we went to check it out. Doesn't help that my DH use to work with the guy on the rigs way back in the day when we were dating... LoL. I'm almost giddy with excitement. Did I say almost? I meant phreakin' bouncing off the walls! Nothing is going to stop me this time, not even myself. I'm going to shaaaaater the walls I've erected!!! they will be naught but rubble beneath my feet! something merely to be stepped over rather than feared. Sorry to spill such gushy showings of emotion, but I'm in tears I'm so happy to be finally reaching the point where I don't need other peoples approval to be happy. They like me or they don't... either way I love myself! I've come to the conclusion that it's their problem and not something inherently wrong with me... to quote Alannis Morresette: I'm unapologetically alive

[jbonsall]

Grrr.... Having a f*ck all humanity day... Somedays it just seems like my years of being a doormat rise to the surface like spores of the past festering sores on my soul. And I want to destroy things. I'd call someone to talk to, but that would require having an active ear on the other end of the phone wire. Not going to happen. Not to this chick. At best I would recieve the kind of sympathetic drivel reserved for days when everyone feels compelled to explain in minute detail how their lives have been ruined because they had to book their nail-fill to earlier in the week because their selfish nail-tech had a death in the family. "Oh that's horrible" you mutter while desperately looking over their shoulder for another poor smuck to unload them on. You do not use this uncaring, get-out-of-my-face kind of tactic on someone you profess to be a "friend". But appearantly in my world, you do. Like a twisted version of keeping your enemies closer, it seems to be keep your friends distant... but make sure they are ready at a moments notice to yo-yo back to you should you need a favour. But rather than wallow in this hatred until I drown, I vow to use this emotional fuel to better my life and the lives of my family. I will not give the haters in my life the satisfaction of watching me slowly fade in to an oblivious black and white life. I deserve better. I am better. I will LIVE my f*ck you to those that would bring me down. I will live in vivid amazing colour. And truly my life will reflect that, the best revenge is a life well lived. My training is sporatic at best right now, d/t packing and some serious OT at work. (we are down two staff temporarily d/t illness, but will be down another two permentantly in a few weeks) But once we move... I keep repeating this mantra. Once we move... once we move.... At least I'm still keeping up with taking my vitamins, water and eating. It's such a vast improvement to a mere few weeks ago that I'm feeling pretty d*mn proud of myself! Oh it feels good to have a place to rant. Writing is pure therapy....

[jbonsall]

Feeling just slightly less psychotic today at least I'm not so depressed right now that feeling like that lasts for weeks... still have some tweaking to do, but I'm starting at a better place now. I have a shmuck-load of packing to do... only 12 days left! That means in about 2 weeks I'll be training in my own gym! My "happy time" right now is when I'm designing things for our house! I'll have to post before and after pictures once they are done, I'm so excited! I've always wanted to be an "interior designer", but it's just not the same when you are in a rental, you know? For the past two weeks I've felt dizzy and nauseous all phreakin' day!! No I'm not preggers... I think I may... just may be quite stressed out. I get light-headed and dizzy then just feel like vomiting. Hopefully this goes away as it's a very limiting feeling. AAAAAAAAh... I'm going to go back to talking about training! I can't wait until this log/journal is filled with my training logs, nutritional information and PRs!!!

[hope2bme]

That means in about 2 weeks I'll be training in my own gym! I can't wait until this log/journal is filled with my training logs, nutritional information and PRs!!!

So exciting!! I'm envious, I would love to have a home gym.
I am looking forward to your training logs as well...this is going to be filled with awesomeness!

[jbonsall]

LoL. I was checking out some other journals and I saw mine up more and thought... I don't remember just having written in my journal... YAY! I have a comment! Thank-you! I can't wait either... And you're right, it WILL be filled with teh awesomeness!Now I just have to work on not feeling exhausted all the time. It's too much of a recurring theme! Grrr... Next Dr. appointment, I'm getting her to check my adrenal glands, for allergies and anything else that can cause THIS much fatigue. I shouldn't wake up more tired than when I go to sleep.. every.single.day.

**DING**

and the fight continues.

[hope2bme]

LoL. I was checking out some other journals and I saw mine up more and thought... I don't remember just having written in my journal... YAY! I have a comment! Thank-you! I can't wait either... And you're right, it WILL be filled with teh awesomeness!Now I just have to work on not feeling exhausted all the time. It's too much of a recurring theme! Grrr... Next Dr. appointment, I'm getting her to check my adrenal glands, for allergies and anything else that can cause THIS much fatigue. I shouldn't wake up more tired than when I go to sleep.. every.single.day.

**DING**

and the fight continues.

Tired gurl is tired I hope the doc is helpful in figuring out what is wrong. You should definately not be waking up exhausted. Odd question but any chance you have sleep apnea? A coworker's husband was just diagnosed and he mentioned similar symptoms...

[jbonsall]

Tired gurl is tired I hope the doc is helpful in figuring out what is wrong. You should definately not be waking up exhausted. Odd question but any chance you have sleep apnea? A coworker's husband was just diagnosed and he mentioned similar symptoms...

weird... I've actually wondered about that myself! Occasionally I'll catch myself holding my breath during the day. Not like, "I'm concentrating" but just... not breathing. I also have fibromyalgia, but this exhausted thing is getting worse while my other "symptoms" aren't so I'm left thinking it's not just the fibro making me tired. I just physically crash during the day... I can wake up feeling like, wow! I got an amazing sleep... then 15-30 minutes later, I feel like I haven't slept at all. Then I go through the day feeling like a zombie, but by the time when I should be tired and ready to sleep... I can't! I have sleeping pills because of the difficulty I have staying asleep or getting back/to sleep, but I can't take them at work (I work nights) and I don't want to become dependant on them, you know? So I'm at an impasse. *sigh* Once we've moved and I have time to slow down, I'm going to start really trying to get my life back, because between all the physical problems during my pregnancies and all the stress and sh*t over the past 5 years.... I've really screwed my body up. I know this, but just can't seem to stop "running" and trying to keep everything going to actually stop.think.change. Thank you so much for the feedback!!!

[hope2bme]

weird... I've actually wondered about that myself! Occasionally I'll catch myself holding my breath during the day. Not like, "I'm concentrating" but just... not breathing. I also have fibromyalgia, but this exhausted thing is getting worse while my other "symptoms" aren't so I'm left thinking it's not just the fibro making me tired. I just physically crash during the day... I can wake up feeling like, wow! I got an amazing sleep... then 15-30 minutes later, I feel like I haven't slept at all. Then I go through the day feeling like a zombie, but by the time when I should be tired and ready to sleep... I can't! I have sleeping pills because of the difficulty I have staying asleep or getting back/to sleep, but I can't take them at work (I work nights) and I don't want to become dependant on them, you know? So I'm at an impasse. *sigh* Once we've moved and I have time to slow down, I'm going to start really trying to get my life back, because between all the physical problems during my pregnancies and all the stress and sh*t over the past 5 years.... I've really screwed my body up. I know this, but just can't seem to stop "running" and trying to keep everything going to actually stop.think.change. Thank you so much for the feedback!!!

You should definately mention it to your doc, it can't hurt. My friend's husband never realized he had a sleeping problem and it wasn't something that she had noticed either.
They ran some tests, then set him up with a sleep study and discovered that he needed a cpap machine at night. He felt better almost immediately, like after 3 nights all his symptoms disappeared. I am not saying this is definately your situation but it is worth checking it out, just in case.

[jbonsall]

She's a good doctor sometimes.. but other times she just doesn't seem to be there if that makes sense. She's the one that gave me the scrip for the sleeping pills, but I'd rather treat the cause rather than just gloss over the symptoms. I haven't been on here much the past couple days... waaaay too much packing to do. We are supposed to have the internet and everything on the day we get possession, so hopefully I won't be away from my support group for toooo long I'm getting SO antsy! I want to be moved already. Hubby's shop is picking up again, which is good because he'd been down to part time off and on for a long time, but that also means he won't get the week off to help with the moving. Looks like he'll just get the one day off to load up the u-haul and take it to the new place. I'll be doing demo and clean up on the floors, prepping the walls and painting by myself. In a weird way I can't wait

[jbonsall]

So I took an extra shift at work during the day on Saturday. What.A.Day!!! I make mistakes and I expect when a co-worker makes a blatant mistake that cause me no end of trouble, she should at least admit to it. Grrr... If I hadn't had the history I did with my guy, I'm sure he would-a clocked me! Then I had to write up a full 2 page report on the incident, and explain to my team leader what had happened. This isn't the first time that staff has set me up for problems. Grrr again! Anyways, good news! My husband IS getting his week off! YAY! finally, for the first time in about 3 years, we will have a night out together! I'm excited! It's 19 days until our 5 year anniversary! we will be in the new house for it and that's awesome! Have I mentioned I hate packing? Between that and everything else, I'm soooo stressed! and when I'm stressed I don't eat. And when I finally break down and DO eat. It's something quick and carby. LoL. Like an apple turnover from Wallyworld and a coffee heated up from yesterdays Tim's run. *sigh* isn't that just full of nutritional powerhouses? Incidentally my kids are watching a Spongebob Squarepants episode where Mr. Crabs and Plankton are so busy adding "special flavour" to their food that it ends up just being pure grease on a paper plate! LOL and no one can get enough of it!

[hope2bme]

So I took an extra shift at work during the day on Saturday. What.A.Day!!! I make mistakes and I expect when a co-worker makes a blatant mistake that cause me no end of trouble, she should at least admit to it. Grrr... If I hadn't had the history I did with my guy, I'm sure he would-a clocked me! Then I had to write up a full 2 page report on the incident, and explain to my team leader what had happened. This isn't the first time that staff has set me up for problems. Grrr again! Anyways, good news! My husband IS getting his week off! YAY! finally, for the first time in about 3 years, we will have a night out together! I'm excited! It's 19 days until our 5 year anniversary! we will be in the new house for it and that's awesome! Have I mentioned I hate packing? Between that and everything else, I'm soooo stressed! and when I'm stressed I don't eat. And when I finally break down and DO eat. It's something quick and carby. LoL. Like an apple turnover from Wallyworld and a coffee heated up from yesterdays Tim's run. *sigh* isn't that just full of nutritional powerhouses? Incidentally my kids are watching a Spongebob Squarepants episode where Mr. Crabs and Plankton are so busy adding "special flavour" to their food that it ends up just being pure grease on a paper plate! LOL and no one can get enough of it!

MMmmmmmm pure grease on a paper plate....sounds yummy!!! Actually it almost does sound good...I am starving atm. lol

So glad to hear your hubby got the time off, and congrats on your upcoming anniversary!

Yes, packing does suck pickles...no fun at all. But just think, very, very soon you will be in your new home!! YaY

[jbonsall]

Sucks pickles... I likes it! Packing does suck pickles! it's going to be so awesome to be in my own house... *sigh* I just wanna be there NOW, relaxing on our deck... watching the kids play in the yard... then wake up in the morning and hit... The Gym buh buh buh buuuuuuuuuhhhh.......

[hope2bme]

[jbonsall]

AAAH! it's Monday! and Double AAAH! that means I only have until this Friday to finish packing, get the kids ready to go visit Nana and Poppa... I don't even have time to be writing this right now! so that means I should get my *ss in gear and get goooo.... ooo.... o... ooooo... oo..........

[jbonsall]

I am exhauuuuuuuusted... *yawn* Almost there though! I.Can't.Wait. Have I said that enough? That's what I thought! Annnnyways, I need to get back to training and eating properly, moving creates such chaos it's hard to do anything even remotely "good" for myself. But on a sh*ts and giggles side, the woman that came in this morning to relieve me was just beaming from having used a bowflex for the past 10 days and now she has "no more jiggle and no more softness" in her triceps that would be great! Why is it the women I know tell me I should "do what I'm doing Jen" because they've done X thing for a week or sometimes even the vast time of 2 weeks and now they are thin and fit.... you really should Jen, then you might be able to get as small as Meeeee... lmfao. *sigh* oh, people, people, people.... On a completely random note, I finally SAW the amazing and life changing contraption that IS Three Minute Legs it has lowering assist technology and comes Complete with two resistance bands attached!!! because you know how they always sell things MISSING a couple parts. *shakes head* I just couldn't figure out what's worse: the patronizing commercial or the absurdity of a three minute daily routine giving you -and I quote- amazing legs, buns AND glutes.. uhm.... *sigh* yeah...

[hope2bme]

I I finally SAW the amazing and life changing contraption that IS Three Minute Legs it has lowering assist technology and comes Complete with two resistance bands attached!!! because you know how they always sell things MISSING a couple parts. *shakes head* I just couldn't figure out what's worse: the patronizing commercial or the absurdity of a three minute daily routine giving you -and I quote- amazing legs, buns AND glutes.. uhm.... *sigh* yeah...

LMAO...3 minute legs....pfffttt.
Apparently we are going about this ALL WRONG. We are "over working" our legs. That right there is the problem.

I can't wait to buy one...I am sure somehow, someway, I will be able to "find" 3 minutes in my day to devote to working my legs, buns and glutes. (pst...btw...I am soooo silly cuz I thought buns and glutes were the same thing!)

What will they come out with next? No wait, nevermind, I don't really want to know! haha

Have a great day Jen! Try not to stress, in a few days time you will be in your new home.

[jbonsall]

I know... I try not to stress... Clothes shopping this weekend left me feeling horrible, again... which is why I try and avoid it to the point of having two pairs of pants and a few shirts to wear. It's just so damn hard on my psyche. Especially when I've spent my entire life up to this point telling it in minute detail why I'm worthless. *shakes head* oh the things we do to ourselves. BUT like you said, in a week (6 days actually, but who's counting ) I will be in my home!!! I found a poem I wrote *cough*some*cough* years ago that still makes me feel good:

Another day gone by
Before me is the night
Cool, bright and calm
Dare I see the stars?
Eternal and beyond
Forever within my
Grasp, yet somehow out of reach.
Here I have no pretense,
I come
Just as I am. Who can really
Know the power of such things? Of the
Longing that's fulfilled by the
Moonlight and the stars?
Now unbidden come the thoughts
Of a long eventful day. They come, not whole, but
Piecemeal
Questions
Remnants
Suddenly patched by Heavenly Hand, I stand in awe.
Time has stopped
Understanding is made welcome, brought not by a
Vaunted gaudy world but by a
Wholesome sense of inner peace
X'acting my escape for but a short while from the
Yearning call of the world and the
Zoo that is humanity to explore beyond myself.


You know? I actually DO feel better now. It's amazing what a lil' "Journal Luv" can do for a gal!!! Now if only I could get someone... *looks around* anyone... *checks phone* just any lil' ol' person... *realizes she's alone* to help. me. *sigh*
Oh well! F*ck 'em all! I can do just fine on my own. Oh they will live to rue the day they put THIS chick down!

edit: ps. yeah. I felt stupid too after hearing that commercial... Don't feel bad. I had errantly thought that buns and glutes were the same thing too

[misssoft]

I love how gutsy your journal is :P Like a big whirlwind trip into your mind.

Your home gym plans have got me thinking about what I could do with the space in my new room when I move to a new flat in six weeks... It's at least three times the size of my current and previous room. Hmmm.

[jbonsall]

I love how gutsy your journal is :P Like a big whirlwind trip into your mind.

Your home gym plans have got me thinking about what I could do with the space in my new room when I move to a new flat in six weeks... It's at least three times the size of my current and previous room. Hmmm.

Thanks!!! I've decided that opening myself actually makes me stronger, so away I go. Oh you are going to have an AWESOME home gym! I'm not sure what options you have for used equipement. But everything in our gym, save the exercise ball and one bench are second hand!! So much cheaper Oh! it's raining and we have thunder and lightening. Excuse me for a minute, I have to run out of this apartment for a minute and get rained on....... LoL

[jbonsall]

Oh that was awesome! anyone care to join in my rain dancing? I got SOAKED in like 20 seconds. It's just pouring!!! and the lightening is awesome! if I didn't have to worry about the kids being alone, I'd go for a walk/run!!! I love the rain, it's the ultimate aphrodisiac... Where is that hubby of mine when I need him???

[nea_lin]

OMG!!!

You're the other Alberta girl

I love your journal so far, although I've only read a few posts. I look forward to following along.

Kinda makes me wanna start a journal too. Hmm...

[jbonsall]

OMG!!!

You're the other Alberta girl

So you've *ahem* heard of me, eh? My reputation preceeds me. (I have always wanted to say that!! ) lmfao... moved here around 10 years ago from B.C. Hence the rain loving... I swear

I love your journal so far, although I've only read a few posts. I look forward to following along.

Kinda makes me wanna start a journal too. Hmm...

Thanks! I appreciate the support. The voices have been strangely silent lately. Mayhaps they don't like me kicking their collective *sses!

[nea_lin]

So you've *ahem* heard of me, eh? My reputation preceeds me. (I have always wanted to say that!! ) lmfao... moved here around 10 years ago from B.C. Hence the rain loving... I swear

Well...seems how you did add me as a friend and commented on the fact that we're both from Alberta. I'm not (that) creepy...just have a steel-trap memory


Thanks! I appreciate the support. The voices have been strangely silent lately. Mayhaps they don't like me kicking their collective *sses!

No problem! It's nice to see a journal that's actually interesting...