"Why You're Not Married" - Tracy McMillan on unwed women

[Thy_Kingdom]

So I've been lectured and nagged at work, by friends, and by family to marry gf's for the last few years...who I dump after I bore of them. This article pretty much summarized why so many women are not married.....

You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.

Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.

Well, I know why.

How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.

I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.

But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.

1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.

2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.

That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You're a Liar.

It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."

You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!

About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.

5. You're Selfish.

If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

6. You're Not Good Enough.

Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.

Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-..._b_822088.html
Females raged at her.

[lexinak]

Skimmed article.

Read "you're not married because you're a bitch, shallow, slutty, a liar, selfish and not good enough."

Understood exactly why people raged.

Left thread.

[b0ngman]

Skimmed article.

Read "you're not married because you're a bitch, shallow, slutty, a liar, selfish and not good enough."

Understood exactly why people raged.

Left thread.

its true for the most part... cant tell u how many 30+ fatties I know who are still ultra selective about men yet are depressed about being single

when you grow up/mature a bit, I think you will understand

nice bokeh in ur avi, do u know what kinda lens was used?

[bbbee]

Skimmed article.

Read "you're not married because you're a bitch, shallow, slutty, a liar, selfish and not good enough."

Understood exactly why people raged.

Left thread.

#1 & #2
lolz.

[lexinak]

its true for the most part... cant tell u how many 30+ fatties I know who are still ultra selective about men yet are depressed about being single

when you grow up/mature a bit, I think you will understand

nice bokeh in ur avi, do u know what kinda lens was used?

First, I was saying it's obvious that an article that says things like "you're foreveralone because you're a mean bitchy slut" is going to draw anger.

Second, go **** yourself.

[bbbee]

100% truth right there.

i'm #6, with a dash of #1.
it's a work in progress.

[Thy_Kingdom]

First, I was saying it's obvious that an article that says things like "you're foreveralone because you're a mean bitchy slut" is going to draw anger.

Second, go **** yourself.

You seem upset, but many women (happily married) also agreed with it.

While reading the comments, those who didn't were the same ones that live with their cats. There's a reason why fewer men are getting married (and delaying it like me), it's because if one woman doesn't put out then she knows the next one will. Essentially, girls who are sexually liberated are ruining it for the rest of you.


Hottest milf in the misc agreed too:

I honestly totally agree with what that author is saying... and I'm a chick! Imagine that! Marriage is definitely something you invest yourself in... it is work and it will only be as good as what you contribute... that goes for both husband and wife. I think some women can't even see past the wedding... they want to be a bride but don't even realize what it takes to be a wife. Part of the problem is that women these days are so "liberated" they don't think they need a man nor do they know how to treat one. I won't say that EVERY person who finds themselves unhappily unmarried fits this profile... but I bet a lot of them do.

UNGH....

Also, her points on being a bride but not wanting to be a wife are dead on.

[Kooren]

First, I was saying it's obvious that an article that says things like "you're foreveralone because you're a mean bitchy slut" is going to draw anger.

Second, go **** yourself.

lol cow is mad as ****. what else is new?

[bbbee]

First, I was saying it's obvious that an article that says things like "you're foreveralone because you're a mean bitchy slut" is going to draw anger.

Second, go **** yourself.

i told you, you are SO #1. through and through. gotta start tackling that stuff now, sweetheart. it's a real doozie if you're late to the party and all the good menz is gonez.

[b0ngman]

First, I was saying it's obvious that an article that says things like "you're foreveralone because you're a mean bitchy slut" is going to draw anger.

Second, go **** yourself.

lol calm down there buddy...

why are u telling me to go **** myself? I Swear on my mum's life i will break your other femur if you are not nice to me

[bbbee]

lol calm down there buddy...

why are u telling me to go **** myself? I Swear on my mum's life i will break your other femur if you are not nice to me

people often react with anger and defensiveness when faced with ugly truths about themselves.

[Thy_Kingdom]

It has become well known among young men that marriage is an emotional and financial disaster and they are avoiding it in large numbers. If any financial advisor tried to sell me on a investment with the same pros and cons as a marriage he/she would be tossed from my house....

Still, there's no shortage of women between 22-29 wanting to get married. Those that hit 30+ usually become spinsters and are labelled negatively by society. The same goes for any guy who refuses to marry and keeps dating multiple women though, they're labelled as 'not wanting to grow up' (despite being better off financially and physically than most married couples).

[kineticforce]

Skimmed article.

Read "you're not married because you're a bitch, shallow, slutty, a liar, selfish and not good enough."

Understood exactly why people raged.

Left thread.

dont worry when you're 45 and wondering why you have 13 cats surrounding you and a sad life behind you and also ahead of you ... Im sure you'll understand that the article was somewhat true...

however the real reason MOST women arent married

1) weight
2) checklist
3) bitch
4) insecure
5) kid/s
6) self-esteem issues
7) no go job
8) you come off gold-digger-ish
9) we can tell you're desperate (read:34, and agree with everything we say and try to impress up)
10) your family sucks
11) you're flat out lazy
12) party all the time...
13) club wh0re
14) dumb as a brick
15) no self respect.....

Im sure theres more -

[wildchild11]

could it be? an article forcing women to take responsibility for their lives?

[goodthings]

people often react with anger and defensiveness when faced with ugly truths about themselves.

yeah! heance the go **** yourself response

[Irezumi]

First, I was saying it's obvious that an article that says things like "you're foreveralone because you're a mean bitchy slut" is going to draw anger.

Second, go **** yourself.

#1...

[Imonlydancing]

Well i'm quite young at the moment...but i'm looking forward to meeting someone that i can see myself getting married to and then get married later on.

[Svonne]

She left out bat **** crazy. I am #1 angry, #5 selfish, #6 not good enough, crazy and probably #4 as well. While I think her choice of words is off putting, I agree with the premise, even tho I'm not looking for marriage but I think works for relationships as well. I obviously have a lot of work to do but at the same time I'm not miserable single either.

[bbbee]

She left out bat **** crazy. I am #1 angry, #5 selfish, #6 not good enough, crazy and probably #4 as well. While I think her choice of words is off putting, I agree with the premise, even tho I'm not looking for marriage but I think works for relationships as well. I obviously have a lot of work to do but at the same time I'm not miserable single either.

strong honesty. good for you. srs. the first step on getting over huge personal demons and hurtles from past experiences that are now hindering us in the present is to admit that they exist.

EDIT: *COUGH* thy_kingdom *COUGH*

[semograd]

[Tiffany Wantsmore]

OMG I just lived through #4

[goodthings]

She left out bat **** crazy. I am #1 angry, #5 selfish, #6 not good enough, crazy and probably #4 as well. While I think her choice of words is off putting, I agree with the premise, even tho I'm not looking for marriage but I think works for relationships as well. I obviously have a lot of work to do but at the same time I'm not miserable single either.

angry? stuff that sh!t, sort it out1 selfich...we all are!

not good enough? **** that sh!t,believe in yourself

[bbbee]

OMG I just lived through #4

i think we all do it at some point. i think it has to do with a delusional relation to maternal instincts. yes, believe it or not, we women can romanticize anything...we're fantastic manipulators, and by that i mean distorting the reality of the situation in order to please ourselves. the #1 person we lie to is always ourselves.

we think we can "change" them...mold them...we want to nurture and care for them, and watch them blossom into the ideal expectation we've unfairly placed upon them in our own minds. we need something to fix, especially when we don't want to admit and face the fact that the fixing needs to start with the person we see in the mirror everyday.

[goodthings]

OMG I just lived through #4

somehow..his fault?

[goodthings]

i think we all do it at some point. i think it has to do with a delusional relation to maternal instincts. yes, believe it or not, we women can romanticize anything...we're fantastic manipulators, and by that i mean distorting the reality of the situation in order to please ourselves. the #1 person we lie to is always ourselves.

we think we can "change" them...mold them...we want to nurture and care for them, and watch them blossom into the ideal expectation we've unfairly placed upon them in our own minds. we need something to fix, especially when we don't want to admit and face the fact that the fixing needs to start with the person we see in the mirror everyday.

try...just being fu cking delusional

and admit ...you f cucked up????

[bbbee]

try...just being fu cking delusional

and admit ...you f cucked up????

i don't understand your response. are you agreeing with me by re-stating exactly what i said with question marks, or asking a question? i'm confused.

[semograd]

dont forget these ones:

-You're Delusional
-You have OCD
-You're Neurotic
-You have a Personality Disorder
-You are Bipolar
-You have an Anxiety disorder of some sorts
-You have Oppositional Defiant Disorder

[bbbee]

dont forget these ones:

-You're Delusional
-You have OCD
-You're Neurotic
-You have a Personality Disorder
-You are Bipolar
-You have an Anxiety disorder of some sorts
-You have Oppositional Defiant Disorder

you get 'em right out of the pysche ward, eh? lol.

[goodthings]

i don't understand your response. are you agreeing with me by re-stating exactly what i said with question marks, or asking a question? i'm confused.

no just agreeing with how emotionally ...upset , women can be

[Tiffany Wantsmore]

i think we all do it at some point. i think it has to do with a delusional relation to maternal instincts. yes, believe it or not, we women can romanticize anything...we're fantastic manipulators, and by that i mean distorting the reality of the situation in order to please ourselves. the #1 person we lie to is always ourselves.

we think we can "change" them...mold them...we want to nurture and care for them, and watch them blossom into the ideal expectation we've unfairly placed upon them in our own minds. we need something to fix, especially when we don't want to admit and face the fact that the fixing needs to start with the person we see in the mirror everyday.

I never wanted to change him. I just wanted him to love me back.

somehow..his fault?

No. You can't make someone love you. If they don't, they don't. It's nobody's fault.