Still got a ways to go...

[Lou1se]

So your son thinks you're becoming a hippy

Relaxing is good. With everything you've had going on in your life and now busy with study you deserve it LBM!

Like you, I'm trying to drink lots of water, much harder to do when it's cold but I notice I feel better

Great fullbody work there too!

[latebloomingmom]

I have dealt with depression most of my life...not really sure of when it kicked in
I was a quiet shy chunky little curly haired girl..
think maybe in junior high
when I looked around and suddenly realized I did not measure up..
it was then I started trying to diet..change myself
wishing my feet would stop growing so big..that I wasnt so tall
wanting to be like the little petite girls
wanting long straight hair
chin was too stubborn and pointy
mouth turned down at corners in a perpetual pout face..


couple weeks ago I posted some old pics of my mom and dad on ********
for my cousins to see..both parents are long since deceased now
my mother was a beautiful woman
long dark hair and a pretty face
only 5ft 5 so I could rest my elbow on her head standing next to her
small feet

one of the pics was of my mother and I standing next to each other
when I was a teenager
my cousins said how beautiful she was and how much they missed her
and then told me I look just like her but with my dad's curly hair

for the life of me..that blew me over..I had to go thru the family photos and take a good look at our features
well I'll be damned if I dont look like her
spent so much time in my youth
comparing myself to her
and coming up lacking...
its a shocker now to realize I am almost the same age that she was when she died

[latebloomingmom]

things I have come to realize at ripe ole age of 45
I will never be a size medium
I will be curvy and those curves thanks to gravity
keep wanting to head south in the fast lane
I will never shed enough body fat to want to stand on stage to compete
I will never want to stand on beach in bikini for that matter
that is just not me
I took a look at a pic of some of my cousins at a family reunion and thought
"holy crud we are all hooooooge big fat people"
those are my roots but that does not mean its my destiny

only if I let it be
but I am done being the voice of doom in my own head
no more telling myself I do not measure up somehow
I am not good enough

its only me that defines me

I choose the people I allow into my inner circle
if they are not positve and uplifting
then they do not need to be around me

[latebloomingmom]

clothes are fitting better
went to gym twice this week
went for three walks
did pretty good on the eating
no binges and tried not to eat too much at one sitting..
all in all not a bad week for this old girl

[vanessa40]

It sounds like you are in a good place. I was the same way growing up and even now reading what you wrote hit home. Well except the mother part..mine was a terror. I envy people that are close and have or had a good childhood. What it must be like to have parents who love you and want the best for you..
I will have to go back on FB and look at thise pictures

[latebloomingmom]

oh she was a terror at times V
ocd about how clean the house had to be
put me on a diet by 6th grade
hated how shy I was and was always trying to get me to speak up for myself
but I realize now it was because she was a small town girl
got married right out of high school
wanted nothing more than a home and children
but dad messed around on her with his secretary
kinda smashed her dreams
so she ended up single mom trying to raise us and go back to school
she had to become tough..

somehow I can relate

I had a horrible self image growing up
and somedays it still wobbles
but there are things I realize now

I will never get my youth back again
I made the choice to walk down aisle first time
and fully believed in my 23 year old heart that it was love
I accept that at times in my marriage I allowed bad behavior
because it was easier to keep my mouth shut in order to keep the peace
I chose to swallow my own misery with food
I chose to stay home with my babies
and put my career on hold
which is why I am going to school now

[latebloomingmom]

now I love this group of people and this site
I would not have survived my last year of marriage without some of these folks
like a lifeline to a drowning woman
but ..I also accept the fact that I am in my mid forties
and its about health at this point in my life
and sticking around long enough to see the grandbabies

[latebloomingmom]

quick update
since last fall I went thru a patch of time
when I wasnt going to gym or walking
fell back into some old habits
brought on by a bad relationship
allowed myself to eat and cook what he wanted
gained back some of the weight I had lost

so anyhow about a month or so ago I bought my summer memebership to gym
and I am walking again and drinking protein and eating the way I should have been all along

clothes are starting to fit better but the scale isnt moving too much
feeling stronger in gym
lifts are back up close to where they should be

did some calf raises at 225lbs
did the lower back extension at 250lbs
rear delt at 180 lbs
some areas I am much weaker at like chest
legs are still good and strong

something weird is going on with me
now I know I am big and carry a lot of muscle and weight
feels like my strength is going up
my clothes are fitting better
but yet the scale isnt moving a whole lot..

oh and I am usually a stressed out worry wart..always have been
but I am feeling calmer these days

[vanessa40]

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better..
Don't worry about the scale..
You are doing great

[latebloomingmom]

update on my life
well its august and I have survived another summer being home with my son who is now with his dad for month
He has some autistic characteristics which up to this point I as his mother, realize are there but I try to just work with him on these things
I have kept him in christian schools so he was not tested on purpose. I dont want a label slapped on him because right now he thinks of himself as a bright boy who does well in school and I want to keep it that way
he is a lot like his father and I do think this runs in dad's side of family

I dont take classes in summer because I am busy being home and being his mommy. He spent a week at christian camp that he really enjoyed but man was he terrified when I dropped him off. He will be 14 this october and in 8th grade but in many ways he is more like a 6th grader and he gets anxious if there are any changes to his routine even good changes.

Zac and Heather are doing well. He is working six out of seven days a week but we helped them move into their 2 bedroom apt and there baby shower was last week and her baby belly is getting big. Oct 21st due date. I borrowed sewing machine from ex hubby and got out my material box and made my soon to be here grandson a baby blanket out of some of old scaps I kept from the blankies I made for both my boys and some new material too. I made it big enough for him to drag around and use as a superman cape and sit all his animals on for intense conversations and drag to the car with him when going bye bye

[latebloomingmom]

but how am I ?

20 years of being a christian wife and mother. I swore I would never walk away from my vows..til death do us part was the bargain
this past spring I sat back and watched the man who said I was love of his life walk down aisle and marry a new woman
younger who has never been married with no kids
but that's alright I knew he was full of sh*t anyways
its not what ya say its what ya do..his true character came out long ago loud and clear

my classes begin in a few weeks. my last year on my bachelor's..been a long time coming
someone recently asked me why this degree ( and my masters) is so important to me
I said because when someone has told you no for so long and made excuses as to why you are not allowed to get your degree
it tends to become pretty damn important
sign of my freedom and a taking back of my independence
I am me dammit and do not belong to you
and I want to be self sufficient with a salary and be able to take care of my children
no more years of being stay at home mom
I did my time

ex has offered to move me up north but I am leaning in a different direction
he has offered to pay for my son's high school tuition up there
but he has proven many times in past he is not a man of his word
and I aint stupid
he has also been trying to talk his oldest son and wife into moving up there
THAT'S RIGHT his plan is to have his new wifey and live in her house
while his ex wife and youngest son is across town
and his oldest son, daughter in a law and grand baby are close by
one big friggin happy family in his warped mind
uh ya good luck with that one

drove back to the house I lived in out in boonies with kids, the dogs, the cats and me
its fixed up now and a new family lives there and I am glad to see that
it was a nice house
even if we were miserable out there

yesterday I drove up north to the small town where my grandparents lived..thru the backroads and farms of my childhood
when I drove downtown I saw it in my mind's eye as it used to be
with corner drug store and the philips 66 gas station and the little co-op grocery store
but then I also took a good look at how it is now
and many of the houses and buildings are old with peeling paint and empty or have turned into a thrift store
I drove out to cemetary to say hi to my father and my grandma and grandpa but did not stay long

for it was really mom I needed to see
so I drove out to the country cemetary where my other grandma and grandpa are buried with my mama in between them..

[latebloomingmom]

so I sat on hillside under a shade tree and had a little talkie ...mom and me
about where I have been and where I come from
where I might still want to go
about how I had to give up happily ever after dream
it was a good dream but it belonged to young girl from long ago
and it was partly due to my inability to let go of that dream
that kept me in an unhappy marriage for way too long
in love with the fairly tale and denying the reality
head down and solidiering on year after year
while fooling myself that maybe this year things would get better
but they only got worse
especially after Zac got married and left
and I knew I wasnt gonna make it til Jesse turned 18 and graduated
not in that house

so like mama did long ago when she packed up my brother and I in her little yellow Vega
in 1974..I too packed up my little car and my son and moved into town to go back to school
so I thanked this woman for her strength and her example of how to be a single mother
and get her degree and survive it all with sanity intact

I am at point now that the dust has settled from the shi*t storm of divorce..no more lawyers now
or fighting about child support or fighting about anything really anymore. we have our visitation rotation and we each stick to it
we are cordial..civil and that about as good as its gonna get

I spent years staying in home and taking care of the babies and doing housework
and resenting the hell out of it and somehow thinking there was a great big ole world out there I was missing it
and that I could have had a degree, a career and done well in it but i was missing it
that somewhere out there people were smiling and having fun but I was missing it
while hanging up another load of laundry on line and defrosting another hunk of meat for dinner
I just knew somewhere people were laughing on a boat in the sun on sparkling blue water

and yet..when I decided to take back my own life
I moved into town and got myself in school and jesse in school
moved into my little two bedroom apt
got membership to gym and told myself how good, how brave, how strong you are woman
take on the world...uh huh..which I have been trying to do everyday
but I realized something
I am creature of habit
and routine..to a fault
school, gym, home, dinner, homework, bed
and of course chores but a 2 bedroom apt is a lot smaller than a 3 bedroom house
so at times I find myself wandering around babbling to myself like an idiot
not knowing what to do with my time when I have no kids and no home to deal with..

[latebloomingmom]

Ma I dont know how to stop doing this..I dont know how to go out and start living my own life
and maybe I really am one of those women who invest all time and energy into their homes and husbands and families and then
when babies are grown they dont know what to do with themselves..
I dont regret staying home with kids but every once in awhile it would of have been nice to go out and do something but it was always like pulling teeth to get him to do anything I just gave up trying after awhile..and I just kept on doing same routine day after day, year after year..miserable in my own life and praying to God to help me figure out what to do..I felt trapped, isolated..and alone
when I first left I was terrified that something bad was gonna happen but kids are fine and I am fine and all my little ducks are now in a row and I know what my plans are for down the line..
this cage I am in now is one of my own making ..I know it is and the door has been open for awhile now but yet I keep my head down and soldier on
and defrost another hunk of meat for dinner
I have no friggin joy in my own life..I isolate myself from other people. I put up walls ..big thick walls..I am stoic and strong and square my shoulders and carry on
and I am alone

" well I tell ya what baby girl why dont ya just go ahead and get it over with...go home buy and old falling down house..lock yourself away from world and become a cat woman .why dont ya look down your nose at eveyone around you and sneer at them because they are smiling and living their lives..and have not learned ( like you)
how to be dead on inside but yet still barely breathing..are you the walking dead my darling daughter? big strong girl are ya? bullsh*t baby..you are wracked with fears and anxieties and afraid of your own life..oh you want to be happy..you see it out there just out of reach like its always been for you..something meant for other people but not for you..you gave up long time ago but yet you are not content in your misery..look but dont touch is what you say inside your own head..look at that nice family having a good time camping or at beach..look at that couple holding hands walking on beach..look at how he looks at her across the dinner table and look at how she smiles..You WANT that so much it makes your teeth hurt but yet you deny..got all answers figured out do ya smart girl? sit back and hide behind those stone walls you build with each piece of your broken heart..and you fool yourself into thinking that is strength..you're life is calling to you baby girl..are you listening?"



ugh...mothers
think they know everything

[latebloomingmom]

interview on monday for my internship
applied to grad school today
classes are going well
tried another first date scenario
did not pan out
but that is ok
going to gym about twice a week right now
got some pain in my left knee which I suspect is arthritis
doing a lot more walking now
what else..oh I am back on my thryoid meds again
told the doc something was up with me
was feeling sluggish and kinda bummed out
and felt like I was getting fatter no matter what I did
I was right

over all this old girl is doing alright

[latebloomingmom]

Internship is going well..too well maybe she keeps trying to give me her job..hahaa. I told her hold off retiring until I get my master's degree..
been back on thyroid pills
trying to get this fat back off me once again
its going slow but its going
been hitting gym consistently three times a week around classes and the internship
still strong as a friggin ox but then I always am


how am I doing otherwise.....mmmmm that one's tougher to answer
most days I do pretty good
get up, drink coffee
put on my amazon she hulk armor and go and tackle what needs to be done

I have gone to see my new grandson three out of past four weekends...hahaha my daughter in law is probably getting sick of me showing up

[vanessa40]

Hey girl..Glad to see you are doing so well..It must be nice to be a grandmother now..
Congratuations

[latebloomingmom]

hey V how are you
I see your posts on ******** about going running and doing yoga and I think my god this woman is dedicated

hahaha ya I am doing better..not so tightly wound these days ( thank goodness)
I got my path figured out and hopefully by this time next fall will be in grad school
and living right by my kids and grandbaby

at least that is the plan for now
he is a beautiful boy and looks just like his daddy did as a baby
brings back joy into my life which has been sadly lacking (as you know) for a long time now

[vanessa40]

That's what i thought when i read your post..that you must be so happy now with your grandchild..i would be.
I good to see you have your path figured out. I am so happy for you..I know it was tough for awhile..
Are you spending Thanksgiving with your grandson..

[latebloomingmom]

yes I did go and see the kids and my grand baby for thanksgiving and made plans to be with them for my birthday weekend coming up but sadly their grandfather has passed away so we are going to a funeral this sunday. I am driving my car over to get the kids and then my oldest son is driving my vehicle with all of us in it down state. He knows his mama does not like driving in the big city.
update on my health: back on hypothyroid meds but wasn't really feeling any better and now am on some heavy duty vit d's which seem to be helping. finished the semester strong and got good grades but have been dealing with some of the fatigue that comes along with having a whacked out thyroid and with that comes on the depression which ya know I deal with all the time but I am feeling better most of time. I am still going to gym three times a week and watching the carbs and what I eat

sometimes at end of sememster its like waking up out of a long day dream for me..takes me a few days to pick my head up and look around and figure out now what the hell do I do if I am not reading a text book?

[vanessa40]

Just wanted to drop in and wish you a Happy Birthday

You take care and enjoy the holidays.. I personally will be glad when it's all over

[latebloomingmom]

Just wanted to drop in and wish you a Happy Birthday

You take care and enjoy the holidays.. I personally will be glad when it's all over

thanks V
I actually hate my birthday..tend to spend too much time thinking of ones I had in past
where I have been..where I am now..wondering how many more I am going to get




why you want holidays to get over with? Are you going to get to see your daughter?

[vanessa40]

thanks V
I actually hate my birthday..tend to spend too much time thinking of ones I had in past
where I have been..where I am now..wondering how many more I am going to get




why you want holidays to get over with? Are you going to get to see your daughter?

I hate to hear you don't like your birthday . Steve is the same way. I love my birthday..i feel blessed to finally be in a place where i am happy and safe. It wasn't always like that for me.

I have never been a holiday person..growing up it was always a bad time..my parents were monsters and it was never a happy time. Now when i got older and had Brittany those were fun times but now she is grown and with no children which to me is who the holiday is really for it just seems pointless..i am not a religious person so i feel like i should not bother..you know..it all crowds and needless spending..and don't get me started on all the eating..lol.. I don't fault anyone who enjoys it..to each his own..i just don't like being made to feel bad because i don't share the joy..

But yes..Brittany and her fiancé will be here christmas day so that will be fun...

Hey did you atleast have a birthday treat...

[latebloomingmom]

yes I showed my son how to make brownies and we had some candy cane ice cream..mostly for him to enjoy

I expect when he hits 18 and is on his own I won't bother to do it anymore.

how am I doing..well I am fighting some major fatigue going on which I suspect has to do with my thyroid. Oh joy but I am trying out some yoga on my non lift days and it seems to help with my anxiety and also my push, push, push myself mentality. Eating is better now..I think I might have actually managed to mess up my adrenals due to prolonged stress. who knows really
made dean's list last semester, second time in row..but cant help but wonder what hell am I busting my azz for anyhow..I have been in school for so many years off and on it may just be all I am good at and wonder how much of my identity is wrapped up in it..but grad school awaits next fall

I am relieved to know I have gotten in but man oh man is it pricey so that concerns me. I am trying to take this one step at a time so I dont lose my mind..do what I can do today, next week and this month but plan for what I will need to do this summer which is move once again..

that will be three times in three years. cripes no wonder I am a mess sometimes. but hopefully this will be last time and I can get Jesse in high school and stay put for at least the next four years. It will be closer to my oldest son, daughter in law and grand baby also

not dating ..no interest in it really. oh I tried the dating sites for a bit last year but that was horrendous man there are a lot of weirdos out there..no thank you. not drinking and no more nightmares or insomnia which is good and no more issues with my gut so the ulcer and gerd went where? think it was stress induced actually from the divorce and from living with my drunken brother and being a panic case for awhile there

[latebloomingmom]

yes still going to gym and I tracked my calories yesterday to see where I am at with eating just out of curiosity and it said 1400 which seems kinda low for me but who knows..
lower back machine I cut back on weights a bit from maxing out to like 280 maybe and took it slow
this is my new thing..taking things slow..wanted to make sure it was me controlling the machine and not momentum
3 x 8

calf raises started out at 270 or so to warm up and did a set of five
all way up to 300 then set of 3 , then set of 3 at 310 and then worked my way back down to like 250
how many all together? I dont know til I got tired

lat pull downs were 3 sets of 8 at 100 lbs. still weaker here then I used to be

rear delt row machine was at 210 for 3 sets of 5

leg press was at 225 for a set of five
then a set of five at every increment til I maxed it out which was at 310 maybe
then worked my way back down ..as I got to 200 i did set of 8-10 for each one
down to 150


then I went over and did some rowing
this is my new thing lately
and how I finish up work out
kinda fun

this was my little bit of everything day
I have an arm day
a chest day
a shoulder day
but always do legs along with each one of these

[latebloomingmom]

threw out creatine/pre workout as of monday

been dealing with weight gain and thyroid being out of whack for past year or so
but still went to gym, classes and tried to deal with fatigue and depression that comes along with this


weight has been going down slooooooowly but its going again


shoulders
shoulder shrugs 45lb dumb bells
3 x 5
single arm bent over rows
40lb dumb bells
3 x 5
overhead shoulder press
35lb dumb bell
3 x 5
this one has been a struggle since fuking up elbow so I wear a brace and gotta be careful with form

cable rows
I never used to do these for some reason they kind of intimidated me but I like em

100 lbs for a count of ten
then dropped to 90 for ten
then 80 for ten
then 70 til tired
then 60 til tired
then 50


leg extensions
started out at 150 and worked up to 300 and then back down again
once hitting about 250 went from doing three reps to five as I worked my way down

[latebloomingmom]

man it's been awhile probably time for an update

how am I doing? hmmmm I am more at peace these days
not pushing myself so hard
not out to prove to world I can do it all
still dealing with health issues but no longer have the ulcer, acid reflux
the migraines ..

not online all time with an overwhelming need for affirmation or attention
what I am doing is taking graduate courses at night
working part time days


got my son enrolled in a parochial high school
and he is now settled into that pretty well
I was really worried about how the move and started high school would effect him
since he is kinda anxious...hahahaha wonder where he gets that from
but he is doing fine

I have survived a 20 year marriage to a control freak
I have survived moving in with a drunken brother
I have made it thru running around and taking my undergrad classes with kids the age of my oldest son
I busted my azz in gym and in process gave myself an ulcer and tendentious in elbow
I have learned the hard way to ease up on my own stubborn determination
I have learned the hard way to ease up on myself for most things now