Still got a ways to go...

[latebloomingmom]

ok so I gotta put this in as little snicker...yesterday on the phone I tell my husband I wanna start lifting heavier on the bench press but I am kinda nervous to do this all by myself in the basement without a spotter standing by to rescue me so he says he will do this for me when he gets home which is kinda good cause then he can "watch the girls"
I say "huh, what da ya mean? I'm not going to the gym (at the college near by) so you can look at all the 21 year olds!" He says, "no hon, THE GIRLS at home, you know, your girls.
I say "what the he-- are you talking about we got sons buddy, you ought to know cause you were around when they were made!" soooo then he says "NO, HON, I mean this------"
oooooohhhh
so sad, really when your own husband has to explain a compliment to you

[latebloomingmom]

today is saturday. abs day and the day to get out the tape measure. ewww. those have not changed in forever. but on the plus side( no that is not a name for a fat lady clothes store) my new book has shipped from amazon and its on its way. good I need to do something new

alright did the measurements (sigh)
chest: 36
thigh: 20
bicep: 13 and 3/4 almost 14
underarm(where the fat is): 14 and 1/2
BB(bellybutton): 39
hips: 45 (good grief!)
mid drift: 36
ya this does not look good but then for comparison lets take a look at the starting numbers
chest: 40 that's down 4 inches
thigh: 27 that is down 7 inches
bicep: 15 that is only down an inch but its gone down and back up again
underarm: 17 that is down 3 inches
BB: 45 that is down 6 inches
hips: 51 that is down 6 inches
mid drift: 40 that is down 4 inches
that makes a grand total of 31 inches of fat off this body since I started
Am I where I wanna be? nope but at least I am not where I used to be!

[wolfpack7483]

wow! that's damn great!

[latebloomingmom]

wow! that's damn great!

Thanks, I appreciate it!

[latebloomingmom]

so I was thinking about that BBC show again today as I was rearranging the pantry cupboards. you know the one, where she comes in your house and cleans out all the junk foods out of your cupboard...ya, you know if that lady had come into my house say two years ago and took all the junky foods out of my cupboard it would have been like old mother hubbard. I would have had to say, gee thanks a lot lady, now my cupboards are bare.
today you would see things like brown, wild rice and whole wheat flour,nuts, olive oil, green tea but not back then. oh i also have things like jelly, sugar cereal and mayo but I also have kids and a husband. I have just learned how to look around these things and find the stuff that I need to function on. I try to ask myself things like "how you gonna fuel the machine today?" most of the time it works but in the beginning? ya it was a struggle to choose the foods that i needed in order to get healthier.
I read somewhere that to aim for eating good like 80 percent of the time and allow yourself the other 20 percent to eat the not so good for you stuff. uh huh. see that is actually doable.

[vanessa40]

the stuff that pops up from time to time inside your head like lint fluff in the dryer. little negative wisps that come floating in thru your mind sometimes...like little ghosts in the machine whispering to you that you cannot or will not ever be quite good enough, that you waited too long, spent too many years being fat and feeling sorry for yourself and now its too late to really change, whispering for you to look around and see that everyone around you is letting themselves go so why not you? you're in your forties now, give up, give in, why try now? litle negative knats that buzz around your face when you try to workout, when you try to plan the diet, when you look in the mirror..asking you just who do you think you are?

Hi,
I just started reading your journal but i wanted to reply to this before i read anymore so i would not forget..

This sounds just like me..i was once 220 pounds and i'm only 5'1 and a half
I spent to many years being fat ..feeling sorry for myself too.
Sometimes i hear that voice that say why are you trying so hard..you have someone that loves you just the way you are..will you ever be good enough for you..
Sometimes it seems like the more i try..the more i fail..know what i mean.

LOL..I live in South Carolina honey..the redneck,fat capital of the world..Every time i go out i see what i will become if i stop working out
The check out lady at my grocery store asked me what do you use flaxseed for...and commented on how many veggies i bought..i thought honey you could do with a few..
I hate it when people comment on what i buy..anyway enough of my ranting..
Back to read more of your journal

[vanessa40]

LOL..
OK i finished and i have to say you have a wonderful way of seeing things.
I know all about being a SAHM and doing everything for everyone
Thankfully now my daughter is 22 and in college. She still lives at home but does most things for herself.
I have subbed so i won't miss you
Also wanted to add i think you are doing great..keep it up...

[latebloomingmom]

LOL..
OK i finished and i have to say you have a wonderful way of seeing things.
I know all about being a SAHM and doing everything for everyone
Thankfully now my daughter is 22 and in college. She still lives at home but does most things for herself.
I have subbed so i won't miss you
Also wanted to add i think you are doing great..keep it up...

thank you , I read your journal too and think you're doing great too. Ya, people do look in my shopping cart now but I like to think it's because they are curious as to what she must be eating to stay that thin. Ha! not yet but at least it's not like when I was heavy (er, heavier) and they were looking with that look of judgement, if you know what I mean.

[latebloomingmom]

you ever feel like that? like one day you kinda wake up and look around and go hey...wait a minute , now I know I have been a spouse for 20 years and a mom for almost 19 years now but.....I used to be a me before I was a we. I used to just be me, whatever happened to that girl way back then? You know the one that cared about how my hair looked, the clothes I wore, the one that had my own hobbies, interests, dreams. Its' kinda like you give that up and tell yourself that you dont have time for that and that maybe you will have time for those things again when the babies are older and then you look around and ask yourself where did the last fifteen or so years go to? See it's not the gray hair in the front that bothers me, I started getting those in my twenties but man, the ones in the back of my head? those are hard to get to! Makes wearing pigtails a hard look to pull off. Know what I bought this year? A hat, a big, old lady, wear it to the beach kinda hat. You know the ones I mean and yes, I do wear it when I go to the beach cause I already have crows feet and I do not want any bigger birds marching across my face. ya know, I don't think I wanna grow old gracefully, I think I wanna fight it every step of the way.

[bosgirlin09]

Just wanted to say "hi"...We have a lot in common...same height, weight, age, SAHM status...

I think you've lost a lot of weight over the last few years? Your weight for height is well within a healthy range. But Ive been the same weight and "skinny fat" in the past...so I understand that weight is just a number.

Keep up the hard work. You CAN totally transform your body...age doesn't matter. Keep up the lifting...it makes all the difference. The weight room is where I have control...where Im strong...where I make the decisions; it's really the only place that's true. And once you have that power, that strength...it can transfer to other parts of your life...that's the cool part.

The bonus is a rockin hot bod in your 40s, lol...and the knowledge that you did it yourself. There is NOTHING like being strong!

good luck!

Kim

[vanessa40]

I know i remember way back before i got married and had Brittany. I had friends,a social life.a job. Then it all seemed to go away. I became a SAHM. Most of my friends either moved away or stayed single and kept on partying. I made new mommy friends but after your kids get a certain age that is gone too.
I hate to say but i have turned into a loner. I guess i always have been really. I think that is why i love the internet so much..you can have all kinds of different friends but on your terms and time...lol

I also wanted to comment on something you said in an earlier post. It was something like you had been lurking because you felt like you didn't fit in...You were not a runner or a hardcore lifter. You were just a 40 year old mom that wanted to lose weight and be fit.
I have to say i still feel this way and i have been here since 2005. Most people i chat with have bodies i know i will never have because i just don't have that amount of dedication.
I know that someday i'll be 100% and some days i'll be at 50% but i will always be trying.
I'm happy to have found someone i can relate too..so thanks

[frogisco]

Holy s**t girlie...you lost a ton of inches!! Sweet!
And your post about the 'girls'.....had to break the horrible news to my old man that my chest (unfortunately) was getting dramatically smaller......I think he cried.

[kitebean]

I've just read your entire journal

I am so mightily impressed with your personal insights! And the fact that you really do seem to have a very very healthy relationship with food. You are like a breath of fresh air in here with your honesty and willingness, I love that!

I'm older than you and it's funny I don't think about my age at all, except when I have to (!) I KNOW that I look and feel much, much younger than that number shows. Heck I still dress like a 12 year old boy half the time

you have been DOING the DO and I can't wait to see where you go next.

[latebloomingmom]

just wanted to say hi to all that have stopped by for a little lookie. I appreciate all the nice comments. kinda wonder sometimes if I am just journaling to me which is fine, cause I like my own company but still I guess I am still hoping that there are people out that are still just trying ya know? and trying, and trying, and trying, sheesh.

[wolfpack7483]

def. one of the ones trying and trying. I can related to practically everything you've said here. SAHM, the whole 9 yards...Not sure I "fit in" anyplace either, but I'm working on carving out my own spot. I just know that at 46, I can't assume good health will automatically be there. I once heard that we get the first 30 years for free and the rest are as good as we make them. Well, I don't want to stand by any longer and observe my life. Like you, I've been there for everyone for 2 decades-willingly and mostly happily; but now I need a little me time. Funny, it's hard to even write that to a group of strangers without feeling guilty. I'll never be an elite athlete again or a bikini model but I can get a hell of a lot stronger! Thanks for articulating a lot of what goes on in my brain on a daily basis! Good luck to you!

Kite-I also dress like a 12 year old boy, too!

[latebloomingmom]

Ya ladies I am glad to hear from all of you! From your pics you are all doing really good if you ask me. see I was getting really fed up last fall and went to see our family doctor. he said, keep a food journal so I did. He said, what supps and vits do you take so I made a list for him. He said, your biceps are bigger then mine. I said, ya and so is my gut. He is very tall and runs for fun and exercise so he says why dont you take up running? I say, great I'll just buy an iron maiden to strap down the girls that should be fun. so he says what is it you want? I say, I want the magic pill, the one that is always advertised that says you can lose weight without changing a thing. He says, nope. dangit. I say what about an operation? just go in and cut it all out. nope. dangit. He says you have to do it the right way, the hard way so that it sticks with you for the rest of your life. he's a nice enough doctor but sometimes I really hate him...

[latebloomingmom]

I think it's interesting now when someone says that I have a 'healthy'relationship with food. funny cause it's really so not true. I am struggling daily with my relationship with food. all things may be allowed but not necessarily beneficial in this life. well, or all things in moderation? moderation and I never quite saw eye to eye. As a kid I was tall, big-boned. I was the height I am now (5ft 10)by 6th grade and I am a girl. I cried when my feet stopped growing at a size 10. I am not talking tall and thin like a model. no more like a football player. Broad, big shoulders and 175 pounds. My mother though she meant well, put me on a diet every summer since 6th grade hoping her huge daughter would somehow shrink. she was 5ft 5 and about 120 lbs and beautiful. How hard it had to have been for her only daughter to be me. see this is what can happen when a small, petite pretty woman marries a tall, broad man. genetics ya know.
so I had two thin brothers one ahead of me and one behind who were both very active. I liked to read books laying on my bed. When mom went shopping she brought home fruity pebbles, doritos, sugar pop, ho-hos but then would say things like "those are for your brothers, not you." ohh I see, the goodies are for the pretty people only so of course, I learned how to raid the cookie jar at a very young age, to run, hide and eat my food and hope I did not get caught. when I left home and went on my own, I thought to myself at last, I can now eat what I want and no one will yell at me. At this point I was in college and eating dorm food. No I did not really pig out and gain the freshman fifteen but I think that is because I was also taking weight lifting for my PE credit. When I dated my soon to be husband I was holding on to a size 16. When I got married a year later my wedding gown was a size 18 to fit me across the bust but taken in at the waist to a 16. My weight was around 180. He was 6ft and 220 and thought I was beautiful. A match made in heaven. We went out to dinner and I did not have to order a salad and a diet coke but I could get what I wanted....he completely understood my battles with self-image, my weight, food cause he had the same ones..

[latebloomingmom]

ok, got preggers with son number one two months into the marriage and thought to myself yipee, the first time I can eat what i want cause I am pregnant. so I did, whoppers and brownies and put on 60 pounds. By the way, I do believe the statute of limitations runs out on just saying its baby fat when your baby graduates high school. well, as I progressed in the marriage, so did my weight. so did my husbands weight. We cooked wonderful tasting meals with lots of calories, we drank sugar pop, he drank a lot of beer. I loved to bake and as all good mommies do-I baked a lot for my kiddies and then ate it too. We became the fat couple and it struck me one day that all we ever do is go out to eat, that was our 'thing'to do ya know? try out new restaurants. was I still binging on junk? yep. Was I turning to food to comfort me anytime things were not going my way in life? yep. so I have been 'in love' with food for as far back as I can remember. when i sat at home on a friday nite watching the love boat, watching as my brother took his girlfriend out and I sat on the couch, no boyfriend. oreos called my name. when I came back from the bar in college wounded cause boys came up to the table and asked my roomates to dance but not me. poptarts. when I got in a fight with the husband and got called a nasty name. chocolate. food has always been a band-aid but instead of healing me, it made me fatter and feel worse about myself. even now, I have an entire shelf of cookbooks that I read for fun. I also have an entire shelf of diet books right underneath em. food has been my comforter, my make-believe friend, my go-to answer, it has been what my husband and I did when we were dating, what we did together when we went out. But it has also been a false friend. like one that comforts you and then stabs you in the back. It has upped my cholesterol and my weight. I got lower back problems, stretch marks, and the dreaded dunlap disease. you know-my stomach dunlaps over my belt. I could not go for a walk with shorts on cause my thighs rubbed together so bad my shorts would ride up my crotch. sorry are we allowed to use that word? bathing suits were humiliating so I just stopped buying them. my kids got used to the fact that mom hates getting her picture taken and mom does not go in the water at the beach. that was me, all the way up to the ripe old age of 39. thus the name: latebloomingmom

[wolfpack7483]

Whoa--
you pretty much just told my story to the T. From the skinny-perfect mom putting me on all manner of starvation diets on through to the present. I still refer to my belly weight as "baby weight"--only problem is I've never given birth!!!

[latebloomingmom]

Whoa--
you pretty much just told my story to the T. From the skinny-perfect mom putting me on all manner of starvation diets on through to the present. I still refer to my belly weight as "baby weight"--only problem is I've never given birth!!!

HA! oh the horribles troubles of perfect mothers with imperfect daughters. My son did graduate this year so there goes my baby fat excuse.

[latebloomingmom]

yesterday was my day of rest. I loaded and ran the dishwasher after searching the house for dirty dishes. I cleaned the litter box and made sure the cats had food and water. I ran a load of laundry and hung it on the line. I swept the kitchen floor. Then the kids and I got in the car, after packing a cooler with sandwichs, apples, drinks and drove up north farther to pick strawberries. This is so I get to make jam for lots of peanut butter/jellies. So I gotta say they did a good job and we got it done quickly then we went into town, walked around the mall, bookstore, petstore, then took the kids to a matinee movie, then drove home, fed the dogs, unpacked the car, got the laundry off the line and came inside to answer a few silly posts on this site before bed, got a neg rep for double posting. Geez, hope he doesnt read this journal then adn see how many times I posted right after myself. sometimes, my day of rest is not very restful but it is good I got out of the house for the day. I work out in the basement and believe it or not, it is hard for me to not do this even for one day. It is just what I do , part of my routine, ya know?

[vanessa40]

Wow
I got tired just reading your east day. I workout at home and you are right it is hard to take a day off when your gym is right there...
How old are your kids..

[latebloomingmom]

Wow
I got tired just reading your east day. I workout at home and you are right it is hard to take a day off when your gym is right there...
How old are your kids..

sons, 18 and ten. I love em but there is always a lot to do in the glamorous world of motherhood. today for instance had a dentist appointment down state so we had to all get up and get in the car, in the rain and spend the day driving then sitting in the waiting room while the oldest got a root canal then back home. ewww there went my day. I was in the basement doing the workout as fast as I could and then quickly trying to cook dinner.
got it done. Now what did I eat today? this morning was one cup of coffee with stevia and lowfat half/half(ya I know bad for me) while I got the kids up and moving and then a protein shake with a scoop whey/water. lunch was on the way home in the car so that meant fast food. yuck so I tried to eat a grilled chicken salad from McD's which is hard to do while driving down the highway. Note: did you know that if you ask for the Italian dressing instead of a creamy dressing all they have is lowfat. this means they took out the olive oil and guess what they put in its place? corn syrup. great, so i ate my salad almost dry or as dry as I could stand it. Dinner is chicken and potatoes for the kids and more salad for me and maybe a little cottage cheese.
workout: squats with 50 pounds(total) 3x8
kickbacks with 15 lbs each (5 pds up)
skullcrushers 20 lbs each (5 lbs up)
cable work was set at 50 on the bowflex
24 dips-baby dips with two benchs pushed close together and my legs up on one.
I did not have time to do any walking this morning so I hopped on eliptical in between sets

oh ya, another protein shake after the workout today it was whey and water which I think is so much nicer then when I add fresh fruit and yogurt to it. this was I could really taste the cardboard like undertones!Ha!

[vanessa40]

I know..i hate to eat on the run. Thankfully now most of my days are boring...lol
All i have is an old dog to take care of
Brittany usually make her own dinner. She eat mostly veggie stuff now and Steve loves to cook so he cooks dinner.
You workout looks good..how do you like the BoFlex
Hope your son is feeling ok after the root canal. Those are brutal

[latebloomingmom]

ya know, I may not be where some of these women are but..just thought I'd jot down what is in my fridge just in case anyone needs ideas next time they go shopping
poultry: ground turkey, whole turkey, turkey lunchmeat, whole chicken, chicken legs, chicken breasts
Ham when its on sale as lunchmeat or whole with the bone. This way I can use it for soup. porkloin cut into boneless chops
lean ground beef, venison from last fall, steak if I can get it on sale. Fish or shrimp when its on sale but I live too far from the ocean so most of this stuff is frozen. We do eat salmon once in awhile and I take a fish oil pill.
eggs, natural peanut butter, cranberry juice, real butter which I only use if I am baking, veggies: lots of em. lettuce(romaine), tomatoes, onions, garlic, radishes, cucs, all kinds of stuff for a good salad and things like asparagus, brocoli, califlower, eggplant, cabbage, avocado
ezekial bread, mustard, olives, feta, cheese for the kids' sandwiches, sour cream ya it's the real stuff, I just use less of it, cottage cheese, I tried fat free, horrible so I can tolerate the kind made out of 2 percent but the kids like the regular stuff.
milk is usually 1`/2 percent cause skim is just a little too watery for me.
big jug of sun tea

[kitebean]

crotch crotch crotch crotch crotch

and strawberries! YUM! I do miss my berries during the winter

and 2% cottage cheese is fine!

[latebloomingmom]

crotch crotch crotch crotch crotch

and strawberries! YUM! I do miss my berries during the winter

and 2% cottage cheese is fine!

tsk, tsk, tsk, sooooo naughty! ha! I looked at your stats under your picture and gotta say you are pretty agile for a 500 pounder!

[latebloomingmom]

been here for a couple weeks feeling my way around. some of the people are very friendly and funny and helpful and some are not. let's just say I can catch the wiff of high school. Smells a lot like 'old gym shoes and B.O' to me. seems a little clickish. Like your the new kid on the block and anytime you post anything they jump all over you like piranha, everybody taking little bites. I went to three high schools in four years so I know what being the new kid feels like just amazes me how 'no matter how much things change, they still stay the same' ya know? lucky for me , I find this highly amusing so I have been messing with them here and there. It's an intersting experiment in group dynamics. for instance, there are definite group leaders and whenever they come on, then a million people post right after them echoing their point of view regardless of whether or not they may actually agree. Or since I am newbie, when I say something in a post, they do not respond to what you say, they skip over you as if you do not exsist, in the hopes you will get the hint and go away.
Let me stress, NOT all are like this there are some very nice people too. It's just a weeding out process. I prefer adults that are capable of their own thoughts and speech.
The reason I am here is because I can admit to needing advice both in the diet and the workout. I am hoping to find something that will lead to improvements. I am in the search of "better" whatever that may be. I appreciate real input from people who are also struggling in the same boat or from those who have achieved their goals and can give me some pointers. I also hope that those that may be just get started on their journey towards better health will look around and be able to find something of value in here someplace. I promise I won't be mean.

[vanessa40]

I only went to one high school and let me tell you i know just what you mean.
Like you said there are some sweet people here..those are the ones i chat with.
Just like in school i like to hang with the interesting people

[latebloomingmom]

so I've been thinking about this today and I want you to start to make peace with that voice in your head. You know the one I mean, the one that has been there since childhood always telling you stuff, like:
"those kids are looking at you, they hate your shoes, your nose is too big for your face."
That one, the one that makes you feel self-concious, or incapable or not good enough.
Tell this voice once and for all: "If you are not for me then you are against me!"
"IF you do not start speaking to me or treating me with some kind of respect then I am not going to listen to you anymore." This inner dialogue may be something like this:
"you know you will never be as good looking as she is, as petite as she is, as pretty as she is...." inner voice says
You say" ya know, at this point in my life, I really don't care anymore"
Inner voice stammers..."wha, what do you mean?"
You: " I mean I know who I am, I know that I am a capable worthwhile decent human being and even though my body is not perfect and I am not perfect, I have many admirable qualities about me and what's more, I don't like the TONE that you use when you speak to me. You have been making me feel like a failure for as long as i can remember and its about time to stop. I have had enough, more then enough of negative voices telling me what I cant do."
Inner voice: "well, I was trying to protect you, to warn you of dangerous situations or people that might try to hurt or take advantage of you. I was trying to protect you from failing. I was always trying to show you that there are others who might be better at this, faster, more talented then you"
YOU: "all you ever did was make me too afraid. too afraid to try anything, to accomplish my goals. all you ever did was make me feel lousy about myself."
You: "from now on, I want you to be the voice in my head that actually likes me, that encourages me to try new things, that builds me up instead of tearing me down. Now, can you do this?"