Significant other and the gym, how to balance them both?

[pvk]

As the title states, how do you keep your significant other from hating the gym, and eventually you. A little background info.... April 2010 we signed up at our local gym under her wishes to get into shape. Bear in mind I was in the gym 5 days/week when we met, and stopped going after we had our first child 9 years ago. So 2 more kids later and years later, we are back @ the gym.

We both went 3 days a week, I'd go after work m-w-f, she would go during the day. I started to get back into shape and regain some muscle and lose weight and the wife stagnated, and 6 months later quit, citing our family and their needs instead of her's.

Now I am still going 3x a week to the gym, and trying to get back into it 5x a week, but I am getting major grief from the wifey. I am trying to work out after 8pm, as to not interfere with family life ie., soccer, girl scouts, family events, birthdays, weekends.

All the kids are sleeping by 8pm and the wife is so tired/exhausted/lethargic, she is out by 8:30pm. Soooo, should I watch her while she is sleeping on the couch, or tell her to suck it up and go the the gym somehow without hurting her feelings?

I don't need any smarta$$ remarks, I am trying to be serious and I hope other ppl can give me some wisdom on this matter.

Thanks,

--pvk

[Rdez]

What are your goals?

Do your goals require 5 days a week in the gym?

Does your wife know what your goals are, and how does she feel about them?

Is working out at home a possibility?

[whatevergirl]

sorry you're struggling with this. so, she minds if you go AFTER she's asleep? if so, you really need to have a heart to heart.

being physically in shape should be something both partners want for and encourage in one another.

not sure what's up, but maybe something more than meets the eye. Just from the lil bit u post here, it seems maybe she feels like she sacrifices all her time for the family...and you are not doing 'as much.' That said, though--she should be working out, too. She doesn't need to forego workouts just because you guys have kids. My kids were little once. Anyone can find an hour to set aside 5 days a week, even with lil ones, to work out.

But, try to get to the bottom of it, as good health will only pay off for you both.

[ChimarraoMate]

sorry you're struggling with this. so, she minds if you go AFTER she's asleep? if so, you really need to have a heart to heart.

being physically in shape should be something both partners want for and encourage in one another.

not sure what's up, but maybe something more than meets the eye. Just from the lil bit u post here, it seems maybe she feels like she sacrifices all her time for the family...and you are not doing 'as much.' That said, though--she should be working out, too. She doesn't need to forego workouts just because you guys have kids. My kids were little once. Anyone can find an hour to set aside 5 days a week, even with lil ones, to work out.

But, try to get to the bottom of it, as good health will only pay off for you both.

I agree, something is a miss in your relationship, and it needs work. I am not saying it is you, but it takes two to make it work. When I started, my wife felt neglected, and stuck at home taking care of things while I spent a lot of time in the gym. She would say to me, "You are tired from your workouts, and I am tired from work." What I did to turn that around was go to bed at 8:00 p.m. with the family, and then get up at 4:00 a.m. to hit the gym. When I got back, I made breakfast for the whole family and then woke them up with it every day. I cannot tell you how much the kids and my wife love this. And do you know what? I love doing it.

[notch5507]

I can relate with you a little. It is hard to be the only one who is putting in effort to better yourself physically in a relationship.

My wife puts up with me eating 5 meals a day. (none of which they eat) It can be hard doing things like eating before we go to a movie then having food ready right after the movie gets out. But I do it.
She puts up with me lifting 4 times a week in the morning and doing cardio 6 nights a week (that is a lot of laundry). Luckily I do my cardio at home.
She puts up with me going to the gym while on vacation. I buy day passes or use hotel fitness center if it doesnt suck to bad. I just go before everyone gets going for the day.

The thing is, she puts up with my madness because she knows it is important to me. I am prepping for my 1st show and NOTHING is going to stop me. I bet if your wife saw an undaunted commitment she will come around. Mine did. Heck mine was starting to feel either a bit jealous of my gains or the attention I get.. either way she has taken steps to get back into shape.

My thoughts.

Stand firm. It is your body and your life. Having you in better shape means a better quality of life that you can share with her and your children.
Lay it all out with her and tell her what you want and or need from her. Let her know this is the way it is period.
Try and make your workouts gel with your families schedule. Wake up early and do it before they even know your gone.
Dont push her into going with you. Lead by example.
Get your diet in order. I waisted a year with a poor diet until I bit the bullet and hired a body building coach who laid things out for me. This will make your goals come so much faster.

Good luck with it. I have a feeling she will come around.

[hochspeyer]

Do you have the room or resources for a home gym? That might be a good way to go.

[dungeonmistress]

As the title states, how do you keep your significant other from hating the gym, and eventually you. A little background info.... April 2010 we signed up at our local gym under her wishes to get into shape. Bear in mind I was in the gym 5 days/week when we met, and stopped going after we had our first child 9 years ago. So 2 more kids later and years later, we are back @ the gym.

We both went 3 days a week, I'd go after work m-w-f, she would go during the day. I started to get back into shape and regain some muscle and lose weight and the wife stagnated, and 6 months later quit, citing our family and their needs instead of her's.

Now I am still going 3x a week to the gym, and trying to get back into it 5x a week, but I am getting major grief from the wifey. I am trying to work out after 8pm, as to not interfere with family life ie., soccer, girl scouts, family events, birthdays, weekends.

All the kids are sleeping by 8pm and the wife is so tired/exhausted/lethargic, she is out by 8:30pm. Soooo, should I watch her while she is sleeping on the couch, or tell her to suck it up and go the the gym somehow without hurting her feelings?

I don't need any smarta$$ remarks, I am trying to be serious and I hope other ppl can give me some wisdom on this matter.

Thanks,

--pvk

Thank GOD I don't have to deal with this. I have told my relationships that I train and have done so since 1980 so giving it up for them won't happen and if they want to try to change me well exit - stage left. They have all understood. I mean, would you rather have a hardbodied chick or some dumpy couch potato? Anyway, I never told any of these guys that they had to train to be with me. However, they all, one by one, decided to start working out. My husband works out too, and did so before we met so it's all good.

Personally, you have a life to live. If going to the gym is what you want to do - cool. At least leave your weekends free for your family. Maybe go in the evening 3x a week and the other two times go early in the am, that way you get what you want and she gets what she wants. I don't know how you can persuade someone to start working out. They have to want to do it for themselves, much like losing weight or any other personal endeavor.

Good luck!

[yakabebe]

Do you have the room or resources for a home gym? That might be a good way to go.

Arrrgggghhhh.....cmon...she's asleep? And youre wondering if its ok?

Something amiss here or I'm too old.

[KeithTheSnake]

This is what I do:

I train at home, usually at times my wife wouldn't even miss me. As far as diet is concerned, she's cognizant of that and she stays out of the way when I eat what I need to when I need to.

Of course, I was quite fit when we first met. Several years later, not so much. I recently stepped it up. She's generally supportive. She likes having a buff husband. She doesn't train. She's on and off of diets. I won't press her to exercise or to diet -- that has to come from within.

I recommend you live your life and make your training part of it to the extent that it doesn't make you neglect your loved ones. It's hard to believe that something like fitness can get in the way of a good relationship.

[desslok]

Does your gym have daycare? Sounds like she needs a break and it could be quality time for the 2 of you.

[MrOnePak]

Do you have the room or resources for a home gym? That might be a good way to go.

+1. I'm just starting out and went with the 'home gym' route for this very reason....I have 2 adorable toddlers (I pick them up after pre-school everyday) and I like being home working out and listening to their laughter. My wife comes in later around 6pm and sometimes I'm just finishing up so she'll poke her head in my 'gym room', say 'hi hon' and leave. There's some interruption but I don't mind.....my health is important but also my family as well.

Works well for me.

[dazlittle]

If she has a problem with you going to the gym while she is asleep on the couch then there is something wrong somewhere!

Make sure you do your fair share around the house and with the kids then hit that gym while your Mrs Snoozes.

[Bruins2011]

I don't think your wife would be as tired if she got back into working out. It's a well known fact that exercise and being fit make you feel better, and give you more energy.

I think I would stick with the 3x a week, and possibly do cardio together if possible.

Your wife might see that going everyday is more of a priority to you and for yourself, than what she has going on. Come up with a plan that you both agree on, as far as the working out goes. Don't push her into working out. Just offer it as something you can do together.

Take my advice, from someone that is on his way to a divorce:
Make sure she feels important. Don't take her for granted, and you need to make sure she knows that she and the kids are the priority.

Don't make the mistakes that I did.

[-=FLEX=-]

Tough situation for sure. I'm not sure any of us can help, though.

I was married twice before and neither ex ever set foot in a gym. I went when it was convenient for me and it was never an issue.

I currently workout 5 days a week with my GF and we go in the morning beofre work so she can still get things done in the evenings. She also stopped going on Saturdays so she can get more done around the house, but she doesn't mind if I go.

Honestly, if I was you I'd do what I wanted and go to the gym, but maybe try to help her out a bit more around the house so she's not tired and doesn't resent you being at the gym. And if you're going while she and the kids are sleepign, I don't see an issue at all.

[yakabebe]

At the end of the day you need, in your heart, to be able to look at the life you lead and say I am being fair, respectful and thoughtful of the other people in my world.

Sometimes maybe you need a bit of help getting that honest objectivity. Maybe her issue with you taking your time stems from a malaise resting in there.

But if at the end of that honest introspection you can say you are being a caring, loving, enjoined partner doing your fair share and listening to her needs and making all reasonable attempts to meet them - and she still bitches - then the problem is hers.

And its one you'll never fix simply by giving in.

My 2c.

[ajohnson5080]

Geez, I feel like I was reading my story..... I've dealt with this kind of stuff in my own life. The key is to make concessions. For me, it is hitting the gym 4x per week but on days/times that work for the family. That means it might be one day on, three days off for one week, or perhaps working out three days in a row at 7am the next. Sometimes I only get in one workout a week. For many years, lifting was the core of my life-- now I've got to learn to balance it with the responsibility of having a family.

For you, it appears no time is a good time (at least in your wife's eyes). What I would always point out to my wife is the benefits of weight training (for me, it was dropping 30lbs of dead weight) and the fact that you are out there (when everyone else is asleep none the less) at a gym and not at a bar, or a dart league....

It is important for you to get "your time". Trust me, if you don't, it can destroy your relationship. Unfortunately, it looks like your wife might be slightly jealous of this. I would advise you to try and promote her doing something that constitutes "her" time. Being around the kids all day can be tiring. Try and promote her hanging out with her friends, or pursuing a hobby a couple of times a month to get out and enjoy herself.

[Smelly bull]

I fall into the same category. I lift in the morning, b/4 everyone gets up. This allows me to have family time after work. My wife is a swimmer so she understand exercise, the needs/reasons we do it and she accepts it as part of me. Plus, she likes the fact that I look better pretty good at my age and weight!

What exactly is your wife complaining about? Not spending time with her when she is sleeping on the couch???

[BlondeAmazon]

What if.. Instead of explaining how important it is to YOU-- explain how important it is to HER and your children that you fulfill your obligation as a father and as a husband by STAYING HEALTHY and fit??? What if you just told her that you want a long and vibrant life with her and in order to do that you have to exercise. You are not impeding on family time, you are trying to make it work and compromising. Exercise is not an option and shouldnt be for anyone in the USA on a standard american diet. (SAD) You will SAVE money in the long run also with lower health bills and less medication as you get older.

I wish you the best of luck in this very difficult situation.

[GnomusMaximus]

Said this before but for newer people.

I have a wife and 2 kids, now 7 and 4. My hobby is a big part of our lives. We travel to different events and make them mini vacations. In the warmer weather I "train" at home and the kids, and often much of the neighborhood comes out and hangs out. My wife realizes that if I want to press big stones in Hartford in Sept. I have to press bars in the gym in January. She doesn't like the gym. It's not her thing, but that's cool.

[LisaSkinnoble]

Honestly, if I was you I'd do what I wanted and go to the gym, but maybe try to help her out a bit more around the house so she's not tired and doesn't resent you being at the gym. And if you're going while she and the kids are sleepign, I don't see an issue at all.

Does your gym have daycare? Sounds like she needs a break and it could be quality time for the 2 of you.

^^ A couple of smart fellers here.

[mavrick77]

As the title states, how do you keep your significant other from hating the gym, and eventually you. A little background info.... April 2010 we signed up at our local gym under her wishes to get into shape. Bear in mind I was in the gym 5 days/week when we met, and stopped going after we had our first child 9 years ago. So 2 more kids later and years later, we are back @ the gym.

We both went 3 days a week, I'd go after work m-w-f, she would go during the day. I started to get back into shape and regain some muscle and lose weight and the wife stagnated, and 6 months later quit, citing our family and their needs instead of her's.

Now I am still going 3x a week to the gym, and trying to get back into it 5x a week, but I am getting major grief from the wifey. I am trying to work out after 8pm, as to not interfere with family life ie., soccer, girl scouts, family events, birthdays, weekends.

All the kids are sleeping by 8pm and the wife is so tired/exhausted/lethargic, she is out by 8:30pm. Soooo, should I watch her while she is sleeping on the couch, or tell her to suck it up and go the the gym somehow without hurting her feelings?

I don't need any smarta$$ remarks, I am trying to be serious and I hope other ppl can give me some wisdom on this matter.

Thanks,

--pvk

tell her to suck it up...she wont feel so lethargic if she works out. make her your training partner, so you can spend time together. My wife and I train together 5-6x per week

[merlinsrealm]

Sounds like she is citing the needs of the family and kids and your citing the needs of yourself. Stop being so selfish and take some time to think about her needs too.

[mavrick77]

Sounds like she is citing the needs of the family and kids and your citing the needs of yourself. Stop being so selfish and take some time to think about her needs too.

that can go both ways...what about his needs? As I always say, The couple that says they never argue...SOMEONES taking it up the a$$, because nobody agree's all the time.

[Whiskeyjack]

Said this before but for newer people.

I have a wife and 2 kids, now 7 and 4. My hobby is a big part of our lives. We travel to different events and make them mini vacations. In the warmer weather I "train" at home and the kids, and often much of the neighborhood comes out and hangs out.

This is so frikken cool! Love even reading it.

My wife doesn't mind my being at the gym at all - probably wouldn't care if I moved in there - but our conundrum, small seeming compared to people with kids, is who gets the car and who lets the dog out in the afternoon!

Not much to add to the excellent and thoughtful advice of all respondents. Well said.

[tnthudson]

Tough situation, wish you the best. For my wife, it works for us to work out together at home. If your wife just doesn't want to go that route, you probably need a heart to heart. Concessions may work, maybe she's asking for more help around the house...but at any rate, you don't want it to become the elephant in the room that drives a wedge between you. And if there's more to the story (sounds like it may be) don't ever be too proud to go to a counselor...worked wonders for us.

[Iceman1800]

It wouldn't hurt for her to get checked out also. If she is that tired, maybe she has low iron or other hormonal issues. Its very common in women and often overlooked. That also could have been the reason she stagnated after 6 months.

[chodan9]

I started working out a few years ago and I get to the gym at 6:00 am I leave the house at 5:30 am
the main reason I did this was to avoid issues you describe. I get out of the house and out from underfoot so she can do her morning routine without me in the way.
this also allows me to get home at a decent hour and spend more quality time there. its a win win.
If I were to spend hours away from home 3 nights per week I could see it causing issues.
I dont have children at home so I can imagine she is thinking (he is away at the gym having a grand ole time while I am here with the raising the kids and cooking and cleaning)

I do believe my wife is somewhat jealous of the progress I have made but she is fully aware of the amount of effort I put into it so she doesn't resent me. your wife may be in a similar situation, she knows she could be doing the same but cant make herself do it right now.

[Brackneyc]

As the title states, how do you keep your significant other from hating the gym, and eventually you.

Part 1...you have no control over that. Part 2, well, just be a good guy and do your best.

[HoustonTXMuscle]

sorry you're struggling with this. so, she minds if you go AFTER she's asleep? if so, you really need to have a heart to heart.

being physically in shape should be something both partners want for and encourage in one another.

not sure what's up, but maybe something more than meets the eye. Just from the lil bit u post here, it seems maybe she feels like she sacrifices all her time for the family...and you are not doing 'as much.' That said, though--she should be working out, too. She doesn't need to forego workouts just because you guys have kids. My kids were little once. Anyone can find an hour to set aside 5 days a week, even with lil ones, to work out.

But, try to get to the bottom of it, as good health will only pay off for you both.

I also agree with this post. My wife and I have been married over 45 years and up until retirement, we both had full time careers. We've also been able to manage our workout sessions around family commitments and each others schedules. That included the (1) two years (T & T nights and all day Saturday) that I was going to grad school for another degree; (2) the 14 years that I taught Scuba in the evenings as an avocation; (3) our daughters school activities; and (4) my youngest daughter's spring board and platform diver training. One has to make sacrifices, compromises and share household chores (including meal planning and preparation).

[GnomusMaximus]

This is so frikken cool! Love even reading it.

Thanks! We have a new couple that moved accross the street from us a few months ago. the woman is very active riding and running. One day she saw me doing log presses and asked if it was similar to doing a Clean & Jerk. I think she did some Crossfit for a bit and I've seen her at the college gym. I'm hoping she comes over again because I have a bunch of stuff she could use. A lighter axle, a plate loded set of Farmers walks and some smaller stones she could use for carries and even overheads. She keeps looking over when I get started, hopefully she'll give it a go.