Single Ladies 30+, Are Older Men Repulsing You?

[sarasayshi]

I divorced at 29 and have dated over the past 5 years. My only serious relationship during this time ended recently in March (he was actually 6 months older than me but he was very attractive and youthful looking). I have since re-entered the dating pool and I am having the hardest time finding myself attracted to men 40+. I try and be open minded and try not to be shallow but it seems like 40+ year old men (whom are not into body building) look REALLY old! Like they appear to be 10-15 years older than their actual age.

I recently joined eHarmony and it seems like I'm becoming an ageist. I get sent matches of men that are between 27-44 years old. So far out of 51 matches, I have only been attracted to 5 men: a 40yr old, 31 yr old, 33 year old, 28 yr old and now a 26 yr old.

I don't consider myself to be little miss hot mama (yet) but obviously I am working on it. I have dropped 20 lbs since January for a total of 55 lbs in the past 5 years. I don't have any close up photos of my face here but I consider myself to be attractive in the face and I guess I just expect to be with a man equally attractive and men 40+ just aren't doing it for me. I'm really trying to not be judgmental but I can't help what I am physically attracted to and what I am not.

Am I the only one that feels this way?

[Vegimitekid]

I divorced at 29 and have dated over the past 5 years. My only serious relationship during this time ended recently in March (he was actually 6 months older than me but he was very attractive and youthful looking). I have since re-entered the dating pool and I am having the hardest time finding myself attracted to men 40+. I try and be open minded and try not to be shallow but it seems like 40+ year old men (whom are not into body building) look REALLY old! Like they appear to be 10-15 years older than their actual age.

I recently joined eHarmony and it seems like I'm becoming an ageist. I get sent matches of men that are between 27-44 years old. So far out of 51 matches, I have only been attracted to 5 men: a 40yr old, 31 yr old, 33 year old, 28 yr old and now a 26 yr old.

I don't consider myself to be little miss hot mama (yet) but obviously I am working on it. I have dropped 20 lbs since January for a total of 55 lbs in the past 5 years. I don't have any close up photos of my face here but I consider myself to be attractive in the face and I guess I just expect to be with a man equally attractive and men 40+ just aren't doing it for me. I'm really trying to not be judgmental but I can't help what I am physically attracted to and what I am not.

Am I the only one that feels this way?

Definitely not the only one, im 34 later this year, my 7 yr relationship with a guy turning 30 in june, ended in early feb this year when i found out he was cheating on me. I am not quite at the ready to enter the dating pool stage yet, but to help me try to move on (because he is now living with the 19yr old thing he cheated on me with), I have been looking at men around me, looking at dating sites etc and I am having severe trouble rationalising what I want to what I see.

If I am going to put myself out there again, I want someone mature enough to know what they have in a relationship (ie not be looking for a quick fling here and there) and not be afraid of committment, not be intimidated by me, and so I have been looking at men my age and up and only found one or two that look slightly appealing, whereas the mid 20's to my age tend to look more appealing, but I already have two kids, dont need another one (its amazing how much less work im doing at home now that my other half is gone, I never realised how much of the mess etc was his, I had allocated it in my head, fairly evenly between him and my kids). I know thats a fairly big generalisation putting maturity to age level, i would like to be proven wrong eventually.

Also noticed how there are not many fit males on dating sites, where do all the single bodybuilders hang out, other than the MISC where they behave like they are teenagers (and therefore do not appear attractive for more than a one night stand, and sometimes not even that lol).

[Hannah73Louise]

I think it's really hard being a woman dating in your 30's. Especially if you have children. I've been actively dating for 1+ years and what I've found is that men my own age without children have barely even grown up mentally and are just starting to think about settling down, preferably with a woman 10 years younger than themselves with no kids.

But like you, I've found that by 40+ a lot of men have given up looking after themselves or are deluding themselves about how in shape they are, and huge beer bellies just don't do it for me!

It's really hard. I often think I'll never find anyone again

[discdoggie]

If you are basing your attraction solely on physical appearances (which from your post you are) then you're going to be continually disappointed in relationships.

Good luck to you finding happiness. You will need it.

[Vegimitekid]

If you are basing your attraction solely on physical appearances (which from your post you are) then you're going to be continually disappointed in relationships.

Good luck to you finding happiness. You will need it.

relationships arent soley based on physical appearances, but when i am working my ass off at the gym to lose bodyfat and gain nice symmetrical lean muscle mass, seeing a bunch of 40+ men letting themselves go, really isnt a turn on!

Personally I want more than just physical, but its a starting point.

[discdoggie]

relationships arent soley based on physical appearances, but when i am working my ass off at the gym to lose bodyfat and gain nice symmetrical lean muscle mass, seeing a bunch of 40+ men letting themselves go, really isnt a turn on!

Personally I want more than just physical, but its a starting point.

Then put yourself in places where you'll meet single, fit, men.


And I'm going to preface by saying I agree "true love knows no boundries" and all that crap. And I know of several May/December romances that ended in happy marriages. But IMO older women who go around persuing ONLY younger men look ridiculous, are seriously limiting their options, and often wind up being disappointed or getting hurt.

[Vegimitekid]

Then put yourself in places where you'll meet single, fit, men.


And I'm going to preface by saying I agree "true love knows no boundries" and all that crap. And I know of several May/December romances that ended in happy marriages. But IMO older women who go around persuing ONLY younger men look ridiculous, are seriously limiting their options, and often wind up being disappointed or getting hurt.

I'm working on it. Have to seriously work out how to find a decent one, cause going by my past history of choices, if I like them, they are a: married, b: a closet homosexual, c: have mental issues, d: an ******* or e: a mixture of the above.

[sarasayshi]

Definitely not the only one, im 34 later this year, my 7 yr relationship with a guy turning 30 in june, ended in early feb this year when i found out he was cheating on me. I am not quite at the ready to enter the dating pool stage yet, but to help me try to move on (because he is now living with the 19yr old thing he cheated on me with), I have been looking at men around me, looking at dating sites etc and I am having severe trouble rationalising what I want to what I see.

If I am going to put myself out there again, I want someone mature enough to know what they have in a relationship (ie not be looking for a quick fling here and there) and not be afraid of committment, not be intimidated by me, and so I have been looking at men my age and up and only found one or two that look slightly appealing, whereas the mid 20's to my age tend to look more appealing, but I already have two kids, dont need another one (its amazing how much less work im doing at home now that my other half is gone, I never realised how much of the mess etc was his, I had allocated it in my head, fairly evenly between him and my kids). I know thats a fairly big generalisation putting maturity to age level, i would like to be proven wrong eventually.

Also noticed how there are not many fit males on dating sites, where do all the single bodybuilders hang out, other than the MISC where they behave like they are teenagers (and therefore do not appear attractive for more than a one night stand, and sometimes not even that lol).

I am so relieved it's not just me that feels this way. Sorry you got cheated on, that totally blows.

The problem in my last relationship was he was freshly divorced (I'll never do that again) so we were in 2 different places. He suddenly started saying he wasn't sure if he wanted kids which was a shocker because on our first date he had told me he would like to have 1-2 more kids. He was mature for the most part until he ended things via text message.

[sarasayshi]

I think it's really hard being a woman dating in your 30's. Especially if you have children. I've been actively dating for 1+ years and what I've found is that men my own age without children have barely even grown up mentally and are just starting to think about settling down, preferably with a woman 10 years younger than themselves with no kids.

But like you, I've found that by 40+ a lot of men have given up looking after themselves or are deluding themselves about how in shape they are, and huge beer bellies just don't do it for me!

It's really hard. I often think I'll never find anyone again

Tell me it isn't so!?!

What I am running into are men that are about 50-100lbs overweight or that if they are fit, their faces portray them to look much older. Really bad teeth, yellow stained and too much sun damage done to the face.

[sarasayshi]

Then put yourself in places where you'll meet single, fit, men.


And I'm going to preface by saying I agree "true love knows no boundries" and all that crap. And I know of several May/December romances that ended in happy marriages. But IMO older women who go around persuing ONLY younger men look ridiculous, are seriously limiting their options, and often wind up being disappointed or getting hurt.

Meeting fit singles is going to be harder for me because the other issue I am having is finding a Christian man; which is why I have resorted to using eHarmony.

[discdoggie]

Meeting fit singles is going to be harder for me because the other issue I am having is finding a Christian man; which is why I have resorted to using eHarmony.

Well, obviously, the more "must haves" and non-negotiables you list, the slimmer your pickins' are going to be.

[seanb1979]

"true love knows no boundries"

[sarasayshi]

LOL! Too cute!

[SerpentHearted]

If you are basing your attraction solely on physical appearances (which from your post you are) then you're going to be continually disappointed in relationships.

Good luck to you finding happiness. You will need it.

with respect i will disagree because i think the exterior package is a good representation of the inside package. Or in other words you can sometimes judge a book by it's cover. If someone is in their late 30s and still looks youthful and in good shape it's most likely because they have a healthy lifestyle and hopefully less self destructive habits than the people of similar age who look terrible, are unhealthy and out of shape.

so i don't think it's just being shallow... you're looking for someone who's compatible aka someone who's at least TRYING to look after themselves and make the best of their life.

I have a few friends around my age or older who work out and maybe we're not oil paintings ourselves but we look at other guys who don't work out and just drink and smoke and say "can you believe he is YOUNGER than us?" .... so OP i don't blame you at all for finding it hard to be attracted to guys in this age group!

[erinlee01]

At 34, I wouldn't have been attracted to many 40+ men. I wouldn't be closed off to it, but I have never been attracted to men that much older than me. Now that I'm 39, I am more attracted to 40+ men than under 30 men.

[perumina]

sarasayshi, I say go for what you want and good things come to those who are patient...good luck with your search and dont settle!

[sarasayshi]

sarasayshi, I say go for what you want and good things come to those who are patient...good luck with your search and dont settle!

Thanks! It's definitely about being patient when it comes to finding the right match. There are some things I'd like to have in a mate that I could overlook (my recent ex had a small penis and was a 1 pump chump) but I loved him and didn't fault him for his short comings. But I don't think I can overlook initial physical attraction. I plan on my next relationship ending in marriage and so I wanna make sure I am drawn to him like white on rice so that I won't have second thoughts on the relationship.

[darkangel]

I say there's nothing wrong with looking for someone your age or slightly younger. I divorced in my mid-30s and began to date guys mostly around my age and younger. I found once you get over 5-6 years younger, there's too much of a maturity gap and you don't have as much in common. I did meet a great guy (three years younger), married in 2006 and it's been wonderful.

To speak to your comment about looking for a Christian, I didn't set out to date only Christians. If you limit yourself in that way, you might miss out on getting to know some great guys. I tried to focus more on meeting new people and enjoying the experience. Once we'd dated for a while and seemed to be meshing well, I talked to him about my beliefs and he was totally open to them. He began going to church with me and ultimately became a Christian.

I guess my advice would be try not to dwell too much on age and other differences and just get out there and meet lots of guys who have shared interests and see where it goes.

[sarasayshi]

I say there's nothing wrong with looking for someone your age or slightly younger. I divorced in my mid-30s and began to date guys mostly around my age and younger. I found once you get over 5-6 years younger, there's too much of a maturity gap and you don't have as much in common. I did meet a great guy (three years younger), married in 2006 and it's been wonderful.

To speak to your comment about looking for a Christian, I didn't set out to date only Christians. If you limit yourself in that way, you might miss out on getting to know some great guys. I tried to focus more on meeting new people and enjoying the experience. Once we'd dated for a while and seemed to be meshing well, I talked to him about my beliefs and he was totally open to them. He began going to church with me and ultimately became a Christian.

I guess my advice would be try not to dwell too much on age and other differences and just get out there and meet lots of guys who have shared interests and see where it goes.

Wow, that is pretty awesome and so happy for you that life has turned out with a happy ending for you. I guess my fear is that I wouldn't want to be with someone not knowing if they would ever truly be on the same page spiritually as me since that is an important factor in my life.

[darkangel]

It's important to me, too, but my approach was different. If you open yourself up to meet and get to know a variety of guys, you may find someone who's a great match for you AND is open to learning more about and sharing your beliefs. If you limit yourself to guys you perceive - or they claim - to be Christians, you could potentially miss out on the love of your life. Really, the same thing goes for setting other arbitrary limits like age or weight ranges. Limits cut down the number of potentials and make the search harder.

[sarasayshi]

It's important to me, too, but my approach was different. If you open yourself up to meet and get to know a variety of guys, you may find someone who's a great match for you AND is open to learning more about and sharing your beliefs. If you limit yourself to guys you perceive - or they claim - to be Christians, you could potentially miss out on the love of your life. Really, the same thing goes for setting other arbitrary limits like age or weight ranges. Limits cut down the number of potentials and make the search harder.

You're right Darkangel. You make some very valid points that I definitely need to just marinate on for a bit. I have passed up several good looking guys who could have been wonderful mates just because they weren't very serious about their Christian faith or whom maybe were catholic but only go to church at Christmas or whatever. I was quick to dismiss them without really having the opportunity to know their heart.

[DonMegaR]

You're right Darkangel. You make some very valid points that I definitely need to just marinate on for a bit. I have passed up several good looking guys who could have been wonderful mates just because they weren't very serious about their Christian faith or whom maybe were catholic but only go to church at Christmas or whatever. I was quick to dismiss them without really having the opportunity to know their heart.

tell them to just stop all together... It's always standing room only for Easter/Xmas service rofl

[sy2502]

Meeting fit singles is going to be harder for me because the other issue I am having is finding a Christian man; which is why I have resorted to using eHarmony.

Dear, you are in the United States, one of the most religious countries in the world. The odds of ANY random guy being a Christian are pretty high, don't you think?

[sarasayshi]

Dear, you are in the United States, one of the most religious countries in the world. The odds of ANY random guy being a Christian are pretty high, don't you think?

I dunno, I suppose so.

[GirLInterrupted]

I don't know, I think a lot of men get better with age. Men tend to get distinguished and sexier with age. However, I sure do like the young ones too My husband is 6 years younger than me.

I think a good example would be George Clooney, man he just keeps getting better. I never found him that attractive when he was younger, now I find him very sexy

[sy2502]

Let's just say I am very glad I am not on the market, because I have to agree with the OP, most older men are NOT physically attractive, with thinning hair and big bellies. But then, many young guys aren't attractive either because they are mentally immature, so really, it's a lose-lose situation.

[canjad80]

I'm 30, my BF is 47.

He's almost totally bald and skinny as a rail. But he does have nice biceps As long as they aren't totally hideous, looks are completely unimportant when you meet someone you connect with. I never in a million years would have pictured myself with a guy like him.

When it works, it works.

I've tried dating younger guys a couple of times, but it's just not worth the headache. Immature, usually inexperienced in relationships, and just not interested in the same things. More trouble than they're worth.

[LabRat3]

I am usually just a lurker but i had to throw my two cents into this one.

My husband is 57 and i am 25.

Never in my life did i think i would end up with someone so much older. I was always attracted to older men and i tried dating guys my age and they were incredible tools.

To his credit, he is a bodybuilder and can out-run me. He has taken excellent care of himself and has avoided chemicals and preservatives since he was 17 so he looks about 10-15 years younger than what he is. And he doesnt need viagra! Lol

The point is... The person you think you should fall in love with and the person that you actually fall in love with will most likely be two completely different people.

Let love happen!

[momwithmuscle]

I haven't dated a guy over 30 in 5 years.

Yet with that has come a lot of games, BS, and headaches. On the positive side, they can usually join me in the gym, we have a lot more in common (surprisingly), and have a great youthful energy.

I wouldn't mind someone older who is also athletic. That's just hard to find (if they are, they are usually married).

[ACRhino]

Sadly, it is a two way street.