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  1. #1
    Banned bluemarlinO4's Avatar
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    Hate my Ex-gf, Can't stop comparing new GF to her. Help

    I have a serious problem.

    I dated my last gf for five years and lived with her. We we're sort of engaged and thinking long term. I lived with her for three years. However, things went south real fast around the 2.5 year mark after I left for the military. I was fortunate enough to get stationed back in Hawaii and we stayed together. She started becoming a wild party animal (doing blow, smoking weed daily, drinking) while I studied hard and put my career first. I went to school part time while on active duty. 99% sure she was using me and cheating on me the last 2.5 years of the relationship. She got into my head and we both had trouble letting go until one day I said I had enough. I never talked to her again.

    I went almost two years just being single and smashing randoms. It took me nearly a year to even want to talk to women because I was such a bitter person towards them.

    Fast forward to now. In the beginning of December I get introduced to a really really awesome girl. She's two years older, has a good job, not a whore, works hard, college educated, puts her career first. I started dating her and now we are official.

    Here's my problem. All the shady things my ex has done has caused me to always revert back to what I thought and believed with her. I can't stop thinking my new GF is going to act the same as my whorish coke head ex. I know they're not evenly remotely close but I always revert back to what I know.

    For example: My ex used to be a drunk and stoner. She was cheating on me when I was deployed. I keep thinking the new GF is going to do the same thing.

    WTF do I do and how do I get over this hump?

    CLIFFS: EX GF a cheating cum dumpster
    New GF complete opposite
    Keep dealing with new GF's actions to how I dealt with my ex.

    INb4 cool story bro. Wow strong arms. Stop being a pussy. blah blah blah
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  2. #2
    fapping into a volcano Exane's Avatar
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    What do you do? Nothing, because nothing has happened. Enjoy your relationship now and if you start getting the same read flags from her as you were with your ex, that is when you know its time to either straighten her ass out or dump her.
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  3. #3
    Inked du3ce's Avatar
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    i had the same issues with my last ex which led to me breaking up with her, just know that she is not your ex dont compare your ex to her its not fair for her.
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  4. #4
    madubrah bdub69's Avatar
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    don't judge your current gf by stuff your ex did.
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  5. #5
    yes... 'tones digitalbath11's Avatar
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    Sux man, no one deserves to be treated like that, but unfortunately its often the case, eapecially with military men. Its a shame.

    The thing is, you already know how infair this is to your new GF. You wouldnt date a girl who was hung up with her ex (and the feeling of hate is often bunched up with this).

    You should be thanking the bish who played you. While you might have lost time, effort and emotional investment wih her, you didnt marry her or had a child. You learned what a bad relationship is like and now you know exactly what you dont want in a woman.

    If you cant accept it, let it go and start new, you wont last long with your new gf.

    Note that I'm not saying to be naive and never beware to any red flags. But to live in paranoia and distress because of how an ex scarred you is definitely not a healthy trait to bring to a new relationship.

    Either way, i do wish you luck.
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  6. #6
    Banned bluemarlinO4's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by du3ce View Post
    i had the same issues with my last ex which led to me breaking up with her, just know that she is not your ex dont compare your ex to her its not fair for her.
    Originally Posted by bdub69 View Post
    don't judge your current gf by stuff your ex did.
    I know that. I don't necessarily judge her by the stuff she does I just revert back to my thinking of how my EX was. For instance, I have a unreasonable amount of thoughts that she is going to cheat on me when I leave again. I know she wouldn't, but I can't shake my thoughts of what happened to me in the past. She hasn't done anything remotely sketchy and treats me like a king. It's me that's the problem. I revert back to my behavior that is so deeply ingrained in me. I don't want to treat her like this at all because she is an awesome gf but I'm just having trouble being in a normal functioning relationship.

    Originally Posted by digitalbath11 View Post
    Sux man, no one deserves to be treated like that, but unfortunately its often the case, eapecially with military men. Its a shame.

    The thing is, you already know how infair this is to your new GF. You wouldnt date a girl who was hung up with her ex (and the feeling of hate is often bunched up with this).

    You should be thanking the bish who played you. While you might have lost time, effort and emotional investment wih her, you didnt marry her or had a child. You learned what a bad relationship is like and now you know exactly what you dont want in a woman.

    If you cant accept it, let it go and start new, you wont last long with your new gf.

    Note that I'm not saying to be naive and never beware to any red flags. But to live in paranoia and distress because of how an ex scarred you is definitely not a healthy trait to bring to a new relationship.

    Either way, i do wish you luck.
    I do thank God everyday I didn't get stuck with that girl forever. I know full well what a bad relationship is. My problem is reverting back to normal relationship behavior if that makes any sense. I treat her well but as soon as we hit a bump I turn back to my old ways of how I dealt with the last girl. I need to change. My question is has anyone dealt with this and how did you guys change?
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  7. #7
    Registered User jamestown0101's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluemarlinO4 View Post
    I have a serious problem.

    I dated my last gf for five years and lived with her. We we're sort of engaged and thinking long term. I lived with her for three years. However, things went south real fast around the 2.5 year mark after I left for the military. I was fortunate enough to get stationed back in Hawaii and we stayed together. She started becoming a wild party animal (doing blow, smoking weed daily, drinking) while I studied hard and put my career first. I went to school part time while on active duty. 99% sure she was using me and cheating on me the last 2.5 years of the relationship. She got into my head and we both had trouble letting go until one day I said I had enough. I never talked to her again.

    I went almost two years just being single and smashing randoms. It took me nearly a year to even want to talk to women because I was such a bitter person towards them.

    Fast forward to now. In the beginning of December I get introduced to a really really awesome girl. She's two years older, has a good job, not a whore, works hard, college educated, puts her career first. I started dating her and now we are official.

    Here's my problem. All the shady things my ex has done has caused me to always revert back to what I thought and believed with her. I can't stop thinking my new GF is going to act the same as my whorish coke head ex. I know they're not evenly remotely close but I always revert back to what I know.

    For example: My ex used to be a drunk and stoner. She was cheating on me when I was deployed. I keep thinking the new GF is going to do the same thing.

    WTF do I do and how do I get over this hump?

    CLIFFS: EX GF a cheating cum dumpster
    New GF complete opposite
    Keep dealing with new GF's actions to how I dealt with my ex.

    INb4 cool story bro. Wow strong arms. Stop being a pussy. blah blah blah
    Read A Mew Earth - by Eckhart Tolle. Watch the movie "Peaceful Warrior" and focus more on being conscious in the now. Your living in the past, seeking more suffering unconsciously, and are walking a tight rope threatening your current relationship for a "cum dumpster."

    Good luck man.

    Ps: when you feel the hurt, the pain, take 3 deep breathes. Feel your inner body. If you feel upset, resistance, negativity, accept it, and it will pass. This is what you feel right now but, it will pass. Know that it wont last forever. In driving, they tell you to look where you are going. Life is very much the same. If you keep looking in your rear view mirror you will crash cause, your not looking where you are going. Given, you will hit bumps along the way. Still, do yourself a favor and take it on the chin, turn into the swirve like you would when fish tailing, and keep moving. Better days ahead brah.
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  8. #8
    Registered User psychnurse2012's Avatar
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    only actual time is going to fix this. so far, everything is going good but you are doing like we all do, when we've been effed over by an ex, we're over analyzing, we're expecting the worst, and sometimes we become our own worst enemy. we sit down and just count down the time, it takes for them to eff up because we expect it. but, indirectly, we cause sh8t to happen, and then this is just our self-fulfilling prophecy coming into play. if sh8t happens, and they leave, we say "ah w.e, we knew it was going to happen anyways".

    take each day at a time, just enjoy the time you have with this girl. let that past go. this girl should not have to suffer for what your ex did. best bet, keep telling yourself to enjoy the good times.

    to be honest, i was thinking the same way like you are right now. thought that my current relationship would end, and sh8t will happen, to cause us to not be together anymore. but, i kept telling myself, to enjoy it, even if it doesn't work out, enjoy it for what it is. i deserve to be happy, so i am going to be happy. if it doesn't workout in the long term, at least i have those happy times to enjoy. not only that, but my eyes are more open now, so that sh8t start happening and i know this isn't going to work, i know the signs. i am not ignorant to them anymore.
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  9. #9
    Banned bluemarlinO4's Avatar
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    I spoke with her last night and told her the truth about my problem. She said she could tell and that she was glad I told her. I promised to work on it and get past it. Hopefully, it gets much easier for me in time.
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  10. #10
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    I would say you are handling the situation better than a lot of guys would. Unfortunately, due to some past experiences, I'm also insecure like you and I'm nervous about my current girlfriend, even though I'm fully aware she is super fair and puts me in front of her.

    I think you're doing well because you communicated the problem and aren't making her a victim of your insecurities. Most guys in these situations will be controlling and cynical, when their new girlfriend have nothing to do with their issue.

    It sucks your ex did what she did and made you cynical about girls. 3 years have passed between my girlfriend and I and I still feel cynical about girls in general, so expect to cope with this over a long time frame. But as long as you are aware of your boundaries at all time, I don't think it will be a major issue.
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  11. #11
    Registered User hqa's Avatar
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    You can start working on being present, instead of being in your head. If you start doing that you will naturally resolve a lot of patterns and triggers you have from your previous relationship.
    They say a wise man knows nothing, so I know a lot less
    But I been where you at homie, put to the test
    The answer lies deep within, so open your chest
    And find God within yourself and he'll show you the rest
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  12. #12
    Registered User hqa's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Pikachew View Post
    I would say you are handling the situation better than a lot of guys would. Unfortunately, due to some past experiences, I'm also insecure like you and I'm nervous about my current girlfriend, even though I'm fully aware she is super fair and puts me in front of her.

    I think you're doing well because you communicated the problem and aren't making her a victim of your insecurities. Most guys in these situations will be controlling and cynical, when their new girlfriend have nothing to do with their issue.

    It sucks your ex did what she did and made you cynical about girls. 3 years have passed between my girlfriend and I and I still feel cynical about girls in general, so expect to cope with this over a long time frame. But as long as you are aware of your boundaries at all time, I don't think it will be a major issue.
    Nobody has the power to do that. It's that victim mentality that prevents people from growing.
    They say a wise man knows nothing, so I know a lot less
    But I been where you at homie, put to the test
    The answer lies deep within, so open your chest
    And find God within yourself and he'll show you the rest
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  13. #13
    yes... 'tones digitalbath11's Avatar
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    Good for you man. Thats exactly the right move if you want to start to get past your issues. Now she's aware and not wondering why your arguments may seem unfair and what not.

    I was thinking about this more and I started to think that your problem may lie on not knowing how to argue effectively. You might want to search for sites or information on this, because it can really help someone like you, who probably fought with your ex in detrimental ways. The good thing about having a bad relationship is that when it ends, you know EXACTLY what you like and dont like in your partner, but the bad is that we pick up sheety habits from them.

    I may be way off but it could help if you feel like this may be your problem.
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  14. #14
    Banned bluemarlinO4's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by digitalbath11 View Post
    Good for you man. Thats exactly the right move if you want to start to get past your issues. Now she's aware and not wondering why your arguments may seem unfair and what not.

    I was thinking about this more and I started to think that your problem may lie on not knowing how to argue effectively. You might want to search for sites or information on this, because it can really help someone like you, who probably fought with your ex in detrimental ways. The good thing about having a bad relationship is that when it ends, you know EXACTLY what you like and dont like in your partner, but the bad is that we pick up sheety habits from them.

    I may be way off but it could help if you feel like this may be your problem.
    That is exactly what it is. The other night we had a disagreement over something and instead of dealing with it the right way I dealt with it on how I dealt with my stupid whore ex which was to ignore her and basically be an ******* until she apologized (My ex did some shady things so that's how I dealt with it). My last relationship was basically fighting daily over petty things and than fighting over big things. She pushed me to the brink of thinking all women are evil beings. So now I still fight with the mentality I picked up from being with her.

    I spoke to the new GF about it and she said she could tell what I was doing and knows I am trying to fix it. I haven't ever yelled at her or gotten aggressive (I did so daily with the last one) so I feel I'm moving in the right direction.
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  15. #15
    Registered User jamestown0101's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluemarlinO4 View Post
    That is exactly what it is. The other night we had a disagreement over something and instead of dealing with it the right way I dealt with it on how I dealt with my stupid whore ex which was to ignore her and basically be an ******* until she apologized (My ex did some shady things so that's how I dealt with it). My last relationship was basically fighting daily over petty things and than fighting over big things. She pushed me to the brink of thinking all women are evil beings. So now I still fight with the mentality I picked up from being with her.

    I spoke to the new GF about it and she said she could tell what I was doing and knows I am trying to fix it. I haven't ever yelled at her or gotten aggressive (I did so daily with the last one) so I feel I'm moving in the right direction.
    Any time there is a red flag, something you deem unacceptable, address it immediately. Those red flags build up like a snow ball down a huge ****ING hill. The thing for me, lying, cheating, deceit of any kind is all unacceptable. Deceit as in say, she tells me, "I am with my friend" but, her friend is her ex bf or a guy she was seeing before. If she is with holding key info like that, obviously there is a reason for that. If I doubt any form of trust, she is packing, and out. Like digit was saying, learning effective ways to communicate, and even being direct with arguments, straight up, to the point goes a long way. I am sorry to hear about the previous relationship brah. At the same time, the old saying goes, "if you don't learn from the past, you are destined to repeat it." Stop ignoring the red flags and situations you need to address. Part of manning up is addressing the situations. By skipping past things and ignoring it, the girl loses respect, and interest in you. You become like her lap dog. Go figure a girl cheats. She can do whatever the **** she likes cause, you just sit there passively, and take it. Don't be that guy. I am not saying, flip tables and choke a bishes like wayne Brady lol. I am just saying be less passive and more aggressive.
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  16. #16
    Registered User buddy4002's Avatar
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    It's a hard thing to get over and I can relate except for the military aspect. Was with my ex for almost 4 years and now my new girlfriend is the complete opposite like you mentioned. What I keep telling myself is if things do go wrong/she cheats then she just proved her true colors and to be thankful I didn't commit long term or marry her. I'm trying not to worry about this currently because honestly there is nothing you can do to stop someone from whoring it up anyway if they want to.

    Main thing in comparing her to my ex is when she mentions something that the cheating ex would, example ' i'm going out with co-workers for drinks'. I know she truly is but because of past experiences my mind always takes it to the worst case scenario and I think she may be lying. Guess the only thing is time..dunno
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  17. #17
    Registered User jamestown0101's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by buddy4002 View Post
    It's a hard thing to get over and I can relate except for the military aspect. Was with my ex for almost 4 years and now my new girlfriend is the complete opposite like you mentioned. What I keep telling myself is if things do go wrong/she cheats then she just proved her true colors and to be thankful I didn't commit long term or marry her. I'm trying not to worry about this currently because honestly there is nothing you can do to stop someone from whoring it up anyway if they want to.

    Main thing in comparing her to my ex is when she mentions something that the cheating ex would, example ' i'm going out with co-workers for drinks'. I know she truly is but because of past experiences my mind always takes it to the worst case scenario and I think she may be lying. Guess the only thing is time..dunno
    The worst thing about past relationships is carrying baggage. You need to scrap the baggage, relinquish all the stupidity from the past, and start from scratch. Its unfair to the new person to pay for the sins of the old person. Its a human flaw brought on by insanity. I've openly made mistakes in the past taking out **** on the new girl who clearly didn't deserve it but, **** happens man, and you live and you learn. Do yourself a favor and give the benefit of the doubt. I've never been cheated on or at least I know of. Still, it doesn't matter. If you love someone and your cheated on, you question yourself value, and hurt. In reality, its the cheaters issues and problems in life. They ****ed up. I give the benefit of the doubt and refrain from jealousy or acting like a fool cause, you create problems if you seek them. If she crosses the line or you doubt her trust, end it.
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    Originally Posted by jamestown0101 View Post
    Any time there is a red flag, something you deem unacceptable, address it immediately. Those red flags build up like a snow ball down a huge ****ING hill. The thing for me, lying, cheating, deceit of any kind is all unacceptable. Deceit as in say, she tells me, "I am with my friend" but, her friend is her ex bf or a guy she was seeing before. If she is with holding key info like that, obviously there is a reason for that. If I doubt any form of trust, she is packing, and out. Like digit was saying, learning effective ways to communicate, and even being direct with arguments, straight up, to the point goes a long way. I am sorry to hear about the previous relationship brah. At the same time, the old saying goes, "if you don't learn from the past, you are destined to repeat it." Stop ignoring the red flags and situations you need to address. Part of manning up is addressing the situations. By skipping past things and ignoring it, the girl loses respect, and interest in you. You become like her lap dog. Go figure a girl cheats. She can do whatever the **** she likes cause, you just sit there passively, and take it. Don't be that guy. I am not saying, flip tables and choke a bishes like wayne Brady lol. I am just saying be less passive and more aggressive.
    That's the thing. I was never passive aggressive. I would flip out daily on the old GF for anything she did that was shady. I would constantly call her out and she would lie to me about it. So now I still have some of that left in me. I would never let a red flag go past me. It's just how I go about dealing with it. I need to learn to talk it out rather than go into rage mode and start yelling.

    One of the reasons I think I am the way I am is that I never dealt with any of the feelings I had when I split. I just bottled it up and concentrated all of my effort on school and my career. So now that I am in another relationship and not banging whores I need to deal with it all of a sudden.
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