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  1. #1
    Registered User johnnyj411's Avatar
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    How do I motivate wife?!

    Alright I have been on a weightloss journey since Jan 1st. And the thing is I am TRYING to get my wife to join me in the weightloss. She has gained about 40lbs in the past 5yrs we have been together. And she wants too,but she never acts on it. I'll tell her I'm about to go on a run,and she will say I'm to tired or I don't feel like it,or she has something else to do. And when I try to talk to her about eating right or exerciseing she just seems to get mad or change the subject. How do I get her motivated? I tried tellin her that she will look like her mom also,but that didn't work to well!haha
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  2. #2
    Registered User MystOne's Avatar
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    Talking

    have a really really hott..in good shape hit on you right in front of her..thats a start
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  3. #3
    Work. Learn. Win. Dexter3000's Avatar
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    Well if this is a serious problem, then here I go.

    First of all: it's a good thing you're trying to get your wife on a more healthy lifestyle.

    But, I think this has to be her own choice. You must have the absolute intrinsic desire to change yourself in order to do it. It takes more then going for a run once a week, or make a better meal choice the moment it fits in. If she wants to lose 40lbs she has to be dialed in. Cover every aspect of your diet, workout routine and rest and the rest will follow.

    So what I'm trying to say is that SHE has to be motivated. You can't do it for her and you will probably make things worse if you keep hitting on it. Give her some time, let her see and feel how much you like getting in to better shape and she will follow. Pushing her will make her feel like you don't like her anymore, that won't do her self esteem any good. Keep your encouragement a positive one!

    Not trying to be a relation therapist here but it's just my experience you can't change other people. Anyway good luck and I hope she will see the light very soon.. !!
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  4. #4
    **Deadlift Junky** MZ360's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by johnnyj411 View Post
    Alright I have been on a weightloss journey since Jan 1st. And the thing is I am TRYING to get my wife to join me in the weightloss. She has gained about 40lbs in the past 5yrs we have been together. And she wants too,but she never acts on it. I'll tell her I'm about to go on a run,and she will say I'm to tired or I don't feel like it,or she has something else to do. And when I try to talk to her about eating right or exerciseing she just seems to get mad or change the subject. How do I get her motivated? I tried tellin her that she will look like her mom also,but that didn't work to well!haha
    Continue to encourage and support her. Make it fun for the 2 of you, most people tend to give up so easily on "jogging/runnin" after 2 months, unless you have been doing it for quite some time. You can try other activities as well..mountain climbing..cycling along the beach etc..and you guys should also try "cooking" together.. Not sure how really dedicated you are..however if fitness is a big part of your life then she should want to be a part of that as well.. Especially once you become parents or just older in general you will be alot healhier and IMO happier as a couple and as individuals

    Good Luck!
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  5. #5
    Registered Amuser FrozenMercury's Avatar
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    My girlfriend is the exact same way, although I've given up now. But you could just take over the cooking if you already dont do so yourself and just make healthy food. Have healthy snacks. Get rid of all the junk food. Alot of people just get stuck in that cycle of eating crap food, feeling like crap, and looking like crap. If that food isn't around then she will be stuck eating the healthy food you've stocked in the house. She'll need to retain her taste buds to eat things that arnt refined sugars or processed salts. If she still actually wants to change she'll embrace this. If not she'll be making trips to McD's.


    EDIT: If that doesn't work say you're leaving her for MZ360 if she doesn't start living healthy. @ MZ360: Oh hai
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  6. #6
    Registered User bradknob's Avatar
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    let her walk in on you bangin a skinny chic. the depression alone will make her drop 20 lbs.
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  7. #7
    Registered Amuser FrozenMercury's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bradknob View Post
    let her walk in on you bangin a skinny chic. the depression alone will make her drop 20 lbs.
    LOL Strong first post
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  8. #8
    Plateau Princess hope2bme's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, she has to want to do this for herself. She may "wish" she could lose weight, but it doesn't sound like she actually wants to do anything about it at this point. It really isn't something you can do for her...she has to really want it enough to act on it.

    You might try to encourage her to browse BB.com...there are lots of inspirational stories here and some of them might connect to her on the level that will motivate her.

    Best of luck!
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  9. #9
    Registered User johnnyj411's Avatar
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    Thanks for the replies! Yall put out some good points. I also hopeing that her seeing me losing weight and shapeing up will motivate her. I also have been trying to do some activities that are good for losing weight like biking and this weekend plan on going hiking most of the day. Also when we go out to eat somwhere I will always get the healthiest food on the menu,no matter what she gets,to show her my motivation.Kepp the tips coming!

    Oh yea banging the skinny chic?! Thats funny! She would lose 20lbs of weight from tears from crying!
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  10. #10
    Registered User BookMonkey's Avatar
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    Sounds like she might be depressed. You might want to go to couple's counseling first before getting her fit. A non-sound mind makes for a non-sound body.
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  11. #11
    **Deadlift Junky** MZ360's Avatar
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    Talking

    Originally Posted by FrozenMercury View Post
    My girlfriend is the exact same way, although I've given up now. But you could just take over the cooking if you already dont do so yourself and just make healthy food. Have healthy snacks. Get rid of all the junk food. Alot of people just get stuck in that cycle of eating crap food, feeling like crap, and looking like crap. If that food isn't around then she will be stuck eating the healthy food you've stocked in the house. She'll need to retain her taste buds to eat things that arnt refined sugars or processed salts. If she still actually wants to change she'll embrace this. If not she'll be making trips to McD's.


    EDIT: If that doesn't work say you're leaving her for MZ360 if she doesn't start living healthy. @ MZ360: Oh hai

    haha well it is for a good cause anything I can do to help!

    But SRSLY keep doing what your doing and your not trying hun you are DOING it..trying is giving yourself the intention to fail and you seem consistant so thats awesome and hopefully she will see the difference and you and will want to do the same positive changes for her..

    <-- is a mother of 2 and workouts with her 14 yr old daughter
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  12. #12
    Powerful Beyond Measure Chocolate-Wheysted's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MystOne View Post
    have a really really hott..in good shape hit on you right in front of her..thats a start
    yea that would do it
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  13. #13
    Registered Amuser FrozenMercury's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BlooDNTearS View Post
    yea that would do it
    Probably not, just make his life more miserable. And she'd eat to make herself feel better. Too many comfort eaters
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  14. #14
    Steven Proto ExtremistPullup's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by johnnyj411 View Post
    Alright I have been on a weightloss journey since Jan 1st. And the thing is I am TRYING to get my wife to join me in the weightloss. She has gained about 40lbs in the past 5yrs we have been together. And she wants too,but she never acts on it. I'll tell her I'm about to go on a run,and she will say I'm to tired or I don't feel like it,or she has something else to do. And when I try to talk to her about eating right or exerciseing she just seems to get mad or change the subject. How do I get her motivated? I tried tellin her that she will look like her mom also,but that didn't work to well!haha
    well if she isn't intrested in loseing weight she's not going to do anything.

    Try and start small go on walks, maybe 1-2 miles picking up the pace over time.
    go to the gym together.
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    don't eat meals after 7pm,
    your diet starts at the grocery store.
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  15. #15
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    Unhappy

    My fiance is the same way. She blames it on her having exercise induces asthma... So she is always aiming away from working really hard... I cook healthy and we eat typically health unless she cooks and she likes to buy chips and sh!t also... She says she wants to lose some weight but I don't think her heart is there for it... I can't figure out how to inspire her to go either.
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  16. #16
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    Originally Posted by FrozenMercury View Post
    Probably not, just make his life more miserable. And she'd eat to make herself feel better. Too many comfort eaters
    Agreed. Been there; NOT GOOD! Ironically, wife just left for her FIRST MMA Sculpt class tonight, after months of me trying to motivate her. IMO, those who said she really has to want it, are correct. I also agree with the mental/happiness aspect. Counseling can be quite helpful...Good luck, brother!
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  17. #17
    oh you fancy huh? OliverClozov's Avatar
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    CONSTANTLY look at other women. works everytime.
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  18. #18
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    Originally Posted by OliverClozov View Post
    CONSTANTLY look at other women. works everytime.
    Sorry to say this is wrong. Atleast in my case. She just gets more insecure and irritable. More reasons for her to punish you. Even you happen to look because something crossed your peripheral vision and it happened to be a female. Didn't check her out, but still got buckets of sheit rained down upon me.
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  19. #19
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    Thumbs up

    Originally Posted by johnnyj411 View Post
    Thanks for the replies! Yall put out some good points. I also hopeing that her seeing me losing weight and shapeing up will motivate her. I also have been trying to do some activities that are good for losing weight like biking and this weekend plan on going hiking most of the day. Also when we go out to eat somwhere I will always get the healthiest food on the menu,no matter what she gets,to show her my motivation.Kepp the tips coming!

    Oh yea banging the skinny chic?! Thats funny! She would lose 20lbs of weight from tears from crying!
    Hey bro,

    My wife was on a similar trek. She's a curvy beautiful woman and was in great shape when we met. Over the years she's put on weight, lost it, put it back on again. The reasons for this are many, as they probably are with the woman in your life. Other posters have emphasized the importance of encouraging her and supporting her efforts (even if they end up being meager), and this is really important. However, what you consider motivating may not be considered by her to be motivating. Men tend to get critical, judgmental, etc., when we motivate each other. This does not work with a woman. She'll feel her worth to you is diminished by every pound she gains. The motivation should be reassuring her of your love for her, the fact that you find her desirable, and that you want what's best for her. With my wife, as she gained weight she just got depressed, felt unlovable, and that created a cycle of eat-gain weight-depressiong-then eat-gain weight-depression, until all motivation to workout is gone. Your job is to step into that cycle and short-circuit it in a manner that will help your woman.

    I agree with a previous poster who said this has to be her choice. Like many changes in life we have to get to a low point before we bounce back. This may have to occur here too. But there may also be something emotional that's depressing her that may need to be addressed, because it's sapping her self-worth and motivation away.

    I'd encourage YOU in that I'm glad to see you're investing concern for your woman. That's a great start.

    Lastly, what worked in part for my wife (as she's back on the exercise and diet again) is making it a competition of sorts. My wife is naturally competitive and enjoys competing against me. So, I said, "Ok, let's race." She made a goal of pounds loss and I made a goal of inches on the waistline down. It's working. We workout together as often as our schedules allow. She works herself harder when she can see I'm whooping her butt on the elliptical or treadmill.

    That's a long response, but I hope helpful.

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  20. #20
    Registered User johnnyj411's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by badjuju69 View Post
    Hey bro,

    My wife was on a similar trek. She's a curvy beautiful woman and was in great shape when we met. Over the years she's put on weight, lost it, put it back on again. The reasons for this are many, as they probably are with the woman in your life. Other posters have emphasized the importance of encouraging her and supporting her efforts (even if they end up being meager), and this is really important. However, what you consider motivating may not be considered by her to be motivating. Men tend to get critical, judgmental, etc., when we motivate each other. This does not work with a woman. She'll feel her worth to you is diminished by every pound she gains. The motivation should be reassuring her of your love for her, the fact that you find her desirable, and that you want what's best for her. With my wife, as she gained weight she just got depressed, felt unlovable, and that created a cycle of eat-gain weight-depressiong-then eat-gain weight-depression, until all motivation to workout is gone. Your job is to step into that cycle and short-circuit it in a manner that will help your woman.

    I agree with a previous poster who said this has to be her choice. Like many changes in life we have to get to a low point before we bounce back. This may have to occur here too. But there may also be something emotional that's depressing her that may need to be addressed, because it's sapping her self-worth and motivation away.

    I'd encourage YOU in that I'm glad to see you're investing concern for your woman. That's a great start.

    Lastly, what worked in part for my wife (as she's back on the exercise and diet again) is making it a competition of sorts. My wife is naturally competitive and enjoys competing against me. So, I said, "Ok, let's race." She made a goal of pounds loss and I made a goal of inches on the waistline down. It's working. We workout together as often as our schedules allow. She works herself harder when she can see I'm whooping her butt on the elliptical or treadmill.

    That's a long response, but I hope helpful.

    Cheers,
    M.
    Very good read! I agree with you on all this. I know its gonna be up to her if she really wants to lose the weight or not. I just wish she had my mind set. She has never really been active her whole live,never played any sports or anything. She was thin like I said when we 1st met then gained like 20lbs,but then lost a/b 30lbs! So she weighed less when we met and still had awsome curves. But now I'm just worried that she has gained so much more weight that it is gonna be obviously harder and take longer to lose. And her being so non athletic its gonna be tuff for her. Know what I mean? She said to me last nite she was really gonna try to eat better,so thats a sign of hope. She also told me she can't wear some of her clothes she use to wear,and I think thats getting to her as well. Think that is a some motivation as well to lose.....
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  21. #21
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    My parents told me this was something they talked about before they got married. My mom has even told me she doesn't respect women that aren't willing to stay in shape for their husbands because it displays complacency and a lack of willingness to please their husband. So honestly I'd be pissed off if I was married to a woman who is too lazy to stay healthy. You are doing what you can to stay in shape, which I GUARANTEE pleases her, will keep you happier, doing better at work, less grouchy, and an all around better husband.
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  22. #22
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    I agree with the posts that indicate the motivation must be intrinsic. Probably best to stay positive and encourage any steps she makes in the right direction such as clean eating and simple exercise like walking. Negative judgments are probably not helpful but talking about how her lifestyle makes you feel might help.
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  23. #23
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    Originally Posted by johnnyj411 View Post
    Alright I have been on a weightloss journey since Jan 1st. And the thing is I am TRYING to get my wife to join me in the weightloss. She has gained about 40lbs in the past 5yrs we have been together. And she wants too,but she never acts on it. I'll tell her I'm about to go on a run,and she will say I'm to tired or I don't feel like it,or she has something else to do. And when I try to talk to her about eating right or exerciseing she just seems to get mad or change the subject. How do I get her motivated? I tried tellin her that she will look like her mom also,but that didn't work to well!haha
    As a married man who wishes his wife went more often to exercise with him, I understand. We were going steadily for a long time, but lately she doesn't go. She isn't overweight at all, and looks pretty solid as she is now. I just don't want her body wasting away over the years.

    The reality is that it must be her decision. Keep doing it for yourself, and be honest about how good it is for you and how it makes you feel. Eventually, she will make a decision to join you for something. She may not go all out like you do, but if you help stock the pantry and fridge with healthier choices and make exercise opportunities available to her, it might work out better.

    And, as a last resort, you could try offering her bribes. Agree to take care of the kids for a while, or do the cooking/cleaning, or give her a back massage, all in exchange for joining you for workouts. When she does join, start simple and light. Ramp up the challenge very slowly. Don't start by jogging for 3 miles in the rain. You just might have to start with a walk in the park, and then later a longer walk. Then, a light jog followed by mostly walking. Then, mostly jogging with walking breaks, etc.
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  24. #24
    Registered User badjuju69's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by followme View Post
    As a married man who wishes his wife went more often to exercise with him, I understand. We were going steadily for a long time, but lately she doesn't go. She isn't overweight at all, and looks pretty solid as she is now. I just don't want her body wasting away over the years.

    The reality is that it must be her decision. Keep doing it for yourself, and be honest about how good it is for you and how it makes you feel. Eventually, she will make a decision to join you for something. She may not go all out like you do, but if you help stock the pantry and fridge with healthier choices and make exercise opportunities available to her, it might work out better.

    And, as a last resort, you could try offering her bribes. Agree to take care of the kids for a while, or do the cooking/cleaning, or give her a back massage, all in exchange for joining you for workouts. When she does join, start simple and light. Ramp up the challenge very slowly. Don't start by jogging for 3 miles in the rain. You just might have to start with a walk in the park, and then later a longer walk. Then, a light jog followed by mostly walking. Then, mostly jogging with walking breaks, etc.
    Followme makes a very good point here, that is taking this in baby steps. You should find a meaningful way to reward your wife for any progress she makes, as this can create a "snowball" effect where she begins to motivate herself and begins to rejoice in her own accomplishments.

    I like Followme's emphasis on doing the work together. After all, marriage is a joint venture, a joint journey, and the vows read in part, "In sickness and in health." So here's to your marriage having more health than sickness and a blessed journey.
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  25. #25
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    It has alot to do with self respect in my opinion. I would just find a very attractive in shape young lady to join you on your runs instead. A workout partner since your wife refuses to be
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    It is as simple as "if she doesn't really want to, she won't." My ex gained about 30-40lb while we were dating for 1.5 years. It was easily all the eating out we did. She started to get back into running right as we broke up. She set a goal of doing a marathon. She lost the weight, and was down to about 125, and looking damn good. Now she's got a new man, and via the pics she posted on facebook last week, the weight is back. I'm thinking 150-155ish. I guess she found another man who is willing to take her out to 2 at least twice daily.

    I'm going to use that as my own personal motivation. She's gaining fat the rolls, and I'm gaining muscles.
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  27. #27
    Thin guy in disguise Gorath's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to.

    But it is also true that people naturally change to acclimatize to dominating circumstances. Try talking to her about your workouts and diet every single day. Never try and make her do it, but really talk in detail about it, let her learn what you're learning in time this information will become ingrained into her. If you haven't already, start taking weekly photos to show your change and keep looking at them and showing them to her. Still, never try and make her do anything, but if you smother her with your own fitness so she can't hide away from it, in due time she will begin to accomodate it and see it in a positive light. THAT is the point where you can really get her involved, when she sees it as a good, positive lifestyle change.

    Basically what I'm saying is, don't force motivate, BE the motivation, set the prime example.
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  28. #28
    The Coffee Guy lanolar's Avatar
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    Unless she wants to, you can't. You can only support her if she choses to.

    I would tell you this though, be honest with her. Let her know her weight gain does bother you and its affecting your relationship. Don't buy into the BS people will tell you that you need to stand by someone who gets fatter and fatter. You are not married and you have no kids. You started dating someone who looked one way and now they chose to let themselves go.

    Be direct with her before it builds to the point where its too late.

    No its not shallow, attraction is what it is.
    Last edited by lanolar; 05-11-2010 at 04:44 PM.
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  29. #29
    Thin guy in disguise Gorath's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lanolar View Post
    Unless she wants to, you can't. You can only support her if she choses to.

    I would tell you this though, be honest with her. Let her know her weight gain does bother you and its affecting your relationship. Don't buy into the BS people will tell you that you need to stand by someone who gets fatter and fatter. You are not married and you have no kids. You started dating someone who looked one way and now they chose to let themselves go.

    Be direct with her before it builds to the point where its too late.

    No its not shallow, attraction is what it is.
    Actually, he did say it's his wife.

    Despite that, I DO tend to agree.

    Yes beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and when you truly love someone it is their soul that you love etc etc, all that is true, but there always has to be an element of physical attraction. If that isn't present........I guess it's up to the individual, but I don't see it as wrong to make it an issue. Anyone who loves you enough would listen and take seriously the issue of their health.

    Not to say your wife doesn't love you or anything OP, but it's a genuine possibility she may never change if you don't give her a harsh reality check.

    Hopefully you won't need to do that and she will come round in her own time, but that's not a certainty.
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  30. #30
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    Originally Posted by johnnyj411 View Post
    Alright I have been on a weightloss journey since Jan 1st. And the thing is I am TRYING to get my wife to join me in the weightloss. She has gained about 40lbs in the past 5yrs we have been together. And she wants too,but she never acts on it. I'll tell her I'm about to go on a run,and she will say I'm to tired or I don't feel like it,or she has something else to do. And when I try to talk to her about eating right or exerciseing she just seems to get mad or change the subject. How do I get her motivated? I tried tellin her that she will look like her mom also,but that didn't work to well!haha
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