35misc gents; at what point did you "become a man?"

[msuwo]

Note, title is not an innuendo about sex lol I was just wondering, at what point in your lives did sh*t get real and you realize you were now a man?

I feel like my generation is delayed in growing up (my nice way of saying immature), and hell you guys probably see it in us too. Well, myself and some friends were talking about the kinds of qualities we thought separate the men from the boys. Some of the things we tossed around were assertion and confidence, taking responsibility, leadership (but knowing when to follow), a certain level of altruism, an "ideal" moral compass, tolerance of others' views, assumed respect for everyone (before they prove they do/don't deserve it), openness to new experiences.. etc, but none of us could really say when that transition from adolescent to adult happens.

If anyone cares to share their story, it would really add to our discussion. Thank ya!

[Marius_Ursus]

Note, title is not an innuendo about sex lol I was just wondering, at what point in your lives did sh*t get real and you realize you were now a man?

I feel like my generation is delayed in growing up (my nice way of saying immature), and hell you guys probably see it in us too. Well, myself and some friends were talking about the kinds of qualities we thought separate the men from the boys. Some of the things we tossed around were assertion and confidence, taking responsibility, leadership (but knowing when to follow), a certain level of altruism, an "ideal" moral compass, tolerance of others' views, assumed respect for everyone (before they prove they do/don't deserve it), openness to new experiences.. etc, but none of us could really say when that transition from adolescent to adult happens.

If anyone cares to share their story, it would really add to our discussion. Thank ya!

The moment I stepped off the cattle car from the repo depot at Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri when no sooner had the sole of my boot hit the pavement than I had a drill sergeant in my face screaming at me about what a worthless piece of sh*t I was.

[hookrunner]

A month after I turned 17, the first day of boot camp...

[V-240]

Kinda echoing other statements here. Probably when I said goodbye to my dad and got on the plane for boot camp.. 1977. I wasn't called a worthless @#$% until early the next morning. lol

[crupiea]

I would say it was around the time my wife left me and left me to care for my 4 month old baby on my own. I was about your age.

[msuwo]

Wow, impressive amount of service in this thread; respect to everyone who joined up. Seems that's a pretty common route for putting perspective on life and turning out men. I think military service embodies a lot of the amiable traits we were discussing too.

Not to mention, single fatherhood with a newborn child. That's a 'call of duty' all on its own! I couldn't begin to imagine what that must been like, dealing with so much so fast.. I had a friend growing up who had a daughter at 16, and she was left to raise the girl on her own. It was rough at first to say the least, but she lives for her little girl now and wouldn't have it any other way. Hope you found the same sort of meaning and gratification as well.

Great examples so far, and more are welcome. I'm interested to see if there's subtle stories out there too, if 'the small things' can make one realize that transition from boy to man.

[Marius_Ursus]

Wow, impressive amount of service in this thread; respect to everyone who joined up. Seems that's a pretty common route for putting perspective on life and turning out men. I think military service embodies a lot of the amiable traits we were discussing too.

Not to mention, single fatherhood with a newborn child. That's a 'call of duty' all on its own! I couldn't begin to imagine what that must been like, dealing with so much so fast.. I had a friend growing up who had a daughter at 16, and she was left to raise the girl on her own. It was rough at first to say the least, but she lives for her little girl now and wouldn't have it any other way. Hope you found the same sort of meaning and gratification as well.

Great examples so far, and more are welcome. I'm interested to see if there's subtle stories out there too, if 'the small things' can make one realize that transition from boy to man.

Well, I can tell you that I didn't realize that was the transitional point for me until many years later. When it started to sink in that I was a "man" was when I'd been in the service a little over two years, and I was on home on leave from Panama. My mom and dad's roof had a leak, so I got out the ladder and climbed up there, found the loose shingles and retarred and sealed them.

When I came back down, I told them what I'd done, and my mom said, "Wow, you've really grown up. Before you joined the army, you never would've even tried to do something like that."

[lanolar]

When I moved out of my parents house, joined the Marines, and supported myself. That also means never moving back in, begging for money, etc etc etc.

I see so many parents letting kids live at home until their 30's, doing laundry for kids even moved out, cleaning their house, cooking dinner. Its a joke, the kids think its great. Too bad for them it just shows they are still children, not adults.

[dbx]

I think the question or categorization is kind of a false one to begin with. There are many moments and events in life that can somehow make us pause..... and suddenly realize that we find ourselves separated from the usual way we see ourselves. These moments or events usually involve things like... responsibility, integrity, accomplishment, overcoming fear, etc...

For me there was no one event or age. Hell, I still feel like a kid, who just happens to have a lot of responsibility that I simply got used to .

For the OP; don't get caught up in labeling yourself or thinking that you've somehow "arrived" at some arbitrary level. Just enjoy the ride and do the right things when the choices come your way, and you'll be man enough.

[AKMass]

At the age of 17 when I had some pretty major responsibilities thrust upon me and I stepped up to handle them. However, as a man I've matured and morphed over the years. The 17 year old man of 33 years ago is certainly not the same as this 50 year old man.

[immuno]

dbx summed up my feelings pretty well. I think it's a mixture of what life throws at you, and what you have "in you" to begin with. For some guys, life's circumstances will force them to "mature" at an extremely fast rate, while some others don't ever really "mature".

If you wish to accelerate the "maturity" process, simply do things which are out of "normal" life for you.... things which may be outside of your comfort zone... Volunteer work, (MANY levels of things which may be outside of your comfort zone here... You can mature very quickly by exposing yourself to those less fortunate than yourself)..the deep study of a martial art/philosophy, etc... P.S. Throw away your x-box, and unplug your TV, and you will develop FAR faster than your friends/acquaintances. And um.... lol.. probably less time on these forums as well.

[IronCharles]

I think the question or categorization is kind of a false one to begin with. There are many moments and events in life that can somehow make us pause..... and suddenly realize that we find ourselves separated from the usual way we see ourselves. These moments or events usually involve things like... responsibility, integrity, accomplishment, overcoming fear, etc...

For me there was no one event or age. Hell, I still feel like a kid, who just happens to have a lot of responsibility that I simply got used to .

For the OP; don't get caught up in labeling yourself or thinking that you've somehow "arrived" at some arbitrary level. Just enjoy the ride and do the right things when the choices come your way, and you'll be man enough.

Wise post.

One moment does not make you a man, it's a lifetime of achievements that defines who you are, and what impact you made on society.

[SP1966]

The moment I stepped off the cattle car from the repo depot at Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri when no sooner had the sole of my boot hit the pavement than I had a drill sergeant in my face screaming at me about what a worthless piece of sh*t I was.

This, and my wife is here to make sure I don't get to cocky still!

[msuwo]

You make a good point dbx; it isn't a black and white/flip of switch kind of transition. I was wondering from a purely philosophical standpoint (the friends I talk about these things with are all into psych and soc and this sort of thing) not necessarily to try and find one single event to define myself as a man by. Aside from some extreme circumstances, I can see it's a dynamic thing this 'maturity' process. What I had in mind were moments like Marius; the guy recognizes that growing up is a series of accumulated experience, but he's got that instance where fixing a roof one day it hits you. I find those kind of personal revelations are pretty interesting.

A little of my own experience now.. Like you said immuno, for me going outside my comfort zone was a great catalyst for growth too. A couple summers ago I did some missionary work in the Dominican. A bunch of nursing students at my school planned a trip to give free clinics around the poorer communities, and they needed some men to help out with more labour intensive stuff like constructing a school/doctors office. Being there totally changed the way I lived and my priorities from then on. Oh, and I can tell you, the people in these 3rd world countries aren't all depressed and miserable like those WorldVision commercials that try to garner sympathy. They're just happy to be alive and have each other. In that sense, they're richer than a lot of us here in the developed countries..

As for still feeling like a kid sometimes.. I don't know about you guys but I still get the urge to run up the down escalators lol

[SP1966]

For me there was no one event or age. Hell, I still feel like a kid, who just happens to have a lot of responsibility that I simply got used to .

That is so true. I remember being a young kid and watching my father and uncles do what they do and thinking how they see the world differently then I did. But now here I am and I can think back over my life and the thought process hasn't changed, just the reality of life has. It's like the old saying, a man is just a boy with more expensive toys!

[Brackneyc]

I'll echo the military as being the first time I can recall ever being "treated" like a man (expectations based on where I was, and not my age). The DI, nor my fellow trainees cared that I was only 17. I had a job to do, and no excuses were made due to lack of life experience. You either stay up, or get run over. I stayed up, and from that day forward, life was much better.

There are still days however when I feel like a little kid. Going back to square one with my training and diet was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. Being a man I think helped me make the move (going back in order to advance forward). If I were still the same little immature kid I was years ago, I'd likely still be doing tons of isolation work for muscles I have not yet developed to the point of needing advanced training. I'd also think I was the one person in the world who could out train a rotten diet.

[GuyJin]

You grow up when you grow up. Along the way, you may discard old notions of what was "right" back then and what is "right" now. Everyone will differ in that way, of course.

I won't speak for the others who've posted; in my case, I "grew up" (a little) the day my father passed on. I was twenty-three. I'd made plans to move out (move in with a couple of friends) but when my father took ill I cancelled that idea and decided to stay home and do what was right for my father and mother.

At any rate, after the funeral, it made me realize that I had other priorities in life which took precedence, such as working (instead of being a university lifer) and helping out my mother. There is such a thing as responsibility and that takes many forms. For crupeia, it meant taking care of a baby--and props to him for that--for others, it means serving in the military or just getting a job and making ends meet. We're all different that way; what makes men "men" (IMO) is the realization that one has to be responsible in the various aspects of life. I can still be a kid in some ways--I'll never outgrow that--but I've learned over time to be responsible to myself health-wise, and to do my best when taking care of my family.

[jcbrowns]

I became a man when I knew my responsibilities whether that means being a father to your children, getting your ass up for work everyday and providing, or just doing the right thing meaning know when to stand up for yourself, know when to walk away etc.

These situations come at different times and ages so I can't really put an age number on them, but when you know you did right whatever the situation is, little by little you are becoming a man.

[-=FLEX=-]

My Corvette blew two motors in the summer of '93.

If you can get through that without crying; you're a man.

-=FLEX=-


PS: I cried.

[Defiant1]

My Corvette blew two motors in the summer of '93.

If you can get through that without crying; you're a man.

-=FLEX=-


PS: I cried.

I'm crying reading it.

[Bando]

Thread reminds me of when I was about 17, was at an adult cookout/party drinking a beer and eating a candy bar for some reason. An older black guy looked at what I was doing and said "son, at some point you need to decide if you're a boy or a man."

Funny how that comment has stuck with me for 26 years.

[eomrat]

Thread reminds me of when I was about 17, was at an adult cookout/party drinking a beer and eating a candy bar for some reason. An older black guy looked at what I was doing and said "son, at some point you need to decide if you're a boy or a man."

Funny how that comment has stuck with me for 26 years.

Wisdom like that seems to stick with you.

[msuwo]

I like that idea GuyJin suggested, about leaving behind old notions what you thought was right and forming new beliefs. Every year I look back at myself and feel like a new person.. not completely different, but in a noticeable enough way. I figure so long as I get to start a family one day, that feeling over ever-changing, is not going to change lol

A few people are suggesting taking responsibility for the aspects of your life; I can related to that one soon. Next month I'll have graduated and become self sufficient working in a lab, and it's quite sobering. Hell, am I ever looking forward to it! And looking forward to saving up so maybe I can but that corvette, but I was thinking of getting it for my dad for all he's helped me out with, paying my tuition and whatnot. It may not be mine, but I'll let you know if I can hold back the tears if/when she breaks down

Also, it's funny you kept that memory Bando. I had a laugh picturing it, but eomrat's got a good point how the little things like that can stick with you. All great responses in here

[socket]

dbx had a great post.
For me, the first time I was really scared and realized somethings in this world are out of my control.
My daughter ended up in the icu when she was 2-3 weeks old. the doctors didn't think she was going to make it. It was so humbling and I finaly saw how helpless I am in this life. I always was strong, tough, a fghter, smart planner, hard worker, committed guy. I thought I could handle anything.......this brought me to my knees for the first time in my life.
She made it and turns 13 this May
I'm not sure I can say it made me a "man"......but it changed me forever.

[dbx]

My Corvette blew two motors in the summer of '93.

If you can get through that without crying; you're a man.

-=FLEX=-


PS: I cried.

Let me guess.....

























You didn't change the oil? (could not help myself...and my wife blew an engine because of this right after I met her)

[AKMass]

You grow up when you grow up. Along the way, you may discard old notions of what was "right" back then and what is "right" now. Everyone will differ in that way, of course.

I won't speak for the others who've posted; in my case, I "grew up" (a little) the day my father passed on. I was twenty-three. I'd made plans to move out (move in with a couple of friends) but when my father took ill I cancelled that idea and decided to stay home and do what was right for my father and mother.

At any rate, after the funeral, it made me realize that I had other priorities in life which took precedence, such as working (instead of being a university lifer) and helping out my mother. There is such a thing as responsibility and that takes many forms. For crupeia, it meant taking care of a baby--and props to him for that--for others, it means serving in the military or just getting a job and making ends meet. We're all different that way; what makes men "men" (IMO) is the realization that one has to be responsible in the various aspects of life. I can still be a kid in some ways--I'll never outgrow that--but I've learned over time to be responsible to myself health-wise, and to do my best when taking care of my family.

To put it succinctly, I think being a man is doing what must be done and what should be done regardless of your feelings.

Does that seem to cover it?

[-=FLEX=-]

Let me guess.....
You didn't change the oil? (could not help myself...and my wife blew an engine because of this right after I met her)

LMAO. No, that wasn't the issue. But funny.

-=FLEX=-

[GuyJin]

To put it succinctly, I think being a man is doing what must be done and what should be done regardless of your feelings.

Does that seem to cover it?

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More or less...

[cozener]

I think the question or categorization is kind of a false one to begin with. There are many moments and events in life that can somehow make us pause..... and suddenly realize that we find ourselves separated from the usual way we see ourselves. These moments or events usually involve things like... responsibility, integrity, accomplishment, overcoming fear, etc...

For me there was no one event or age. Hell, I still feel like a kid, who just happens to have a lot of responsibility that I simply got used to .

For the OP; don't get caught up in labeling yourself or thinking that you've somehow "arrived" at some arbitrary level. Just enjoy the ride and do the right things when the choices come your way, and you'll be man enough.

Yep, I'm on the dbx bandwagon on this question too. I could say it was boot camp, college, marriage, kids, etc. But there really isn't one event that made me sit up and say, "I'm a man now"

And sometimes I get a little afraid that someone's going to figure out that I've been faking it all this time and that I'm not a responsible adult at all

[mikieson]

TC its not just your generation that is keeping young..Its really since the 80s began that people wanted to stay younger longer. IMHO.

Im a child from of the 80s. You grow up with new things such as videogames, its cool to watch cartoons and buy the toys and BMX got its real start in the 80s. You simply dont want to give it up. So...when you get older you can buy all these things with YOUR money and enjoy them all over again.

Heck im going to be 39 this year and not sure if im more of a man or ever will be. I feel that everything in life is more important than a good job or money. I would rather spend money on entertainment as put a nickle in the bank. Im scared to fight dont want to hurt anyone and dont want to get hurt. Im scared of every kind of bug,reptile,amphibian known to man. Im moody like a woman and act like a kid.

BUT at the same time I take care of my 2 boys. I keep in touch with their teachers weekly. I love them. I play ball and video games with them. I chase them around and fight with them and act like we know karate and act goofy. I would not cheat on my wife. I want to be married for life. I dont cuss around my kids. I try and raise them to be "themselves" and be nice to others and love people.

WOW..where is this going...???heck..I dont know..I finally felt like a man probably around 25 years old..with a wife, 2 boys,built a new house ect ect..