ITT Quality ******** Status messages

[Witherfist]

made a puddle!

hereby secedes from the Union.

is the alfalfa and the omega fatty acids.

is my slave name! > call me "Catfish."

has cotton balls!

dictates braille books into sign language for the deaf.

is amused by a giraffe with a sore throat.

spilled a big glass of ice water in his lap. little pink acorn.

has no business owning a missile launcher.

is a vessel for his people.

wants you to know that you're still his favorite. Everyone else can go to hell.

puts a carrot in his mouth and then masticates.

can transform himself into that bar of soap in your shower. If you think about it, it's really not a pleasant experience for me.

has a mirror with your face in it.

freezes his enemies in carbonite.

is very giggly and cherub-like.

likes it when old people smell like ointment and doodoo. :P

spiked the city's water supply with colloidal silver. now we shall all turn blue!

[Witherfist]

in this time of chimpanzees, I am a monkey.

sent you an obscene text message.

is sending his giant robot out to take revenge on all his enemies.

talks to strangers and tells them they're weird.

has all his passwords tattooed on the inside of his eyelids.

uses a compass to draw perfect circles, and to stab bad guys in the neck.

has a surprise for you! I got inside your house somehow and left it in your freezer. The cold keeps it mostly asleep.

uses kidney stones as aquarium gravel.

spits his mouthwash back into the bottle. A bottle will last several years that way.

bites down real hard on sandpaper, then violently rips it out.

stepped on an ant and killed it. Post traumatic stress!

is so sweet that you all have diabetes now.

puts super glue on the toilet seats in public restrooms. >

squeezed the Charmin. Who is this demented madman???

maintains his innocence despite the overwhelming evidence.

uses an icepick to put in his contact lenses.

will release the embargo on your country just as soon as we have our sacred relics back.

drives his pimpmobile through the trailer park to pickup classy chicks.

has a voodoo doll of you that he keeps hugging and kissing.

[Witherfist]

is gearing up for his showdown with his evil twin. Let this be our final battle.

has to go round up all his prisoners that escaped from his basement. Crafty little Eskimos.

laid a golden egg. it hurt!

on Honeycomb hath fed and drank the milk of parasites.
-- Honeycomb's big. yeah yeah yeah.

has no excuse for his tacky wardrobe.

can read your mind. You sicko.

traced his hand and drew on it to make it look like a chicken!

Song of Solomon 4:5 is my inspirational quote for the day.

is sad that all his Play-Dough dried up.

doesn't taste as bad as he smells.

goes to no-kill animal shelters and spikes the water with antifreeze.

hopes ******** doesn't press charges.

carries a bouquet of flowers around with him and pretends like he's going to give them to any female that notices them, then pulls them away and laughs.

is hard of hearing. You'll have to type louder.

uses a cheese grater to shave his neck.
--and my sack.

is tired of your attitude. You know who you are...

is growing a stylish goiter.

The blood of Kings flows through my veins. Also parasites.
--and nanite sized robots that repair my battle damage.

hid a GPS transceiver in his wig in case he doesn't return from his dangerous mission.

let a bunch of man-eating anteaters out of their cages at the Zoo.

knows how to spell tommorrow.

has overthrown the Government of a small island nation in the Balkans.

challenges you to a blinking contest!

[Witherfist]

is mounting a potato gun to the hood of his truck.

has no clue where these bite marks on his shoulder came from.

is psychic and knew you would read this.

glued his nostrils shut and lips together again. >
--I had tp poke anoher hole in my throat.

is annoyed with the eleventeen percent of people who just make up statistics.

always finishes everything he sta

shall drink your bath water and gain your power.

bought some corn syrup and handcuffs for when you come over later.

wants to be a Fire Engine when he grows up!

knows you're all talking about how paranoid I am.

's eyelashes are sore.

was cutting the yard and ran over a Leprechaun who was asleep in a patch of clover. Did you know they have green blood?

's tonsils and appendix grew back!
--also my foreskin.

is probably the reason you are on medication. Sorry.

can turn himself invisible. But he quit doing that after he got run over and lost his lawsuit.

's really nice earlobes never fail to get him into the most exclusive clubs.

is so special, he could qualify for handicap plates.

files his teeth to razor sharp points.

climbed through your bathroom window and replaced your conditioner with Nair.

will mention your name in a status update for $4.95!

's mail order wife came in from Slovakia today. She's really freaking hairy! I shall beat her often and not let her have any friends.

[Witherfist]

will only protect his ******** friends from the Reavers. Everyone else can go to hell.

people think it's gross, but it's really good on toast, seafood gumbo.

is brought to you by the letter M. "M" is for "Maggot."

's new teddy bear has killed all his other stuffed animals. I'm afraid to go to sleep.

is polishing his knob. It was so dirty that I didn't know it had a brass finish until I started polishing it. The whole door looks better now.

is faster than a tall building and can take a long walk off a short pier.

got his tongue stuck in his zipper again.

was cleaning the crust out of his belly button with a spoon and found a diamond!

spanglish needs learnt mas.

dropped in like a jackhammer, took all that you offered him, then left you to cry alone.

Cole me down on the panny sty.

almost never ends his sentences with a preposition after.

made a bar of soap after using the home liposuction kit he bought.

found this really cool lighter that has inspired him to finally take up smoking.

chews his cud as he stares right through you.

is glad the FBI doesn't have his fingerprints on file.

removed all traces of blood. The DA couldn't prove a thing.

's nipples can cut glass when he gets excited.

is very cosmopolitan in his countenance.

[Witherfist]

's lust for power will surely destroy us all!

shaves the backs of his knees so he can run faster.

likes to hold a sleeping cat, then run the vacuum cleaner.

can fit a whole pinecone up his nose!

has a quarter hidden on him somewhere. Whichever of you can find it, gets to keep it.

has a big jar of his toenail clippings that can be ground up and used as an aphrodisiac.

would anyone like my old toothbrush? I'm just gonna throw it away if nobody wants it.

likes to lick the steak sauce off of the really sharp steak knife and cut my tongue and taste my own blood with the meat. What a rush.

wants to thank all of you for not alerting the authorities about that thing I accidentally admitted to on here a few days ago.

will only stay friends with those of you who can guess his middle name.

cut his big toe off and mailed it to you.

comes with all the latest fashion accessories!

The cigar I'm about to light might actually be a stick of dynamite. I guess I'll know soon enough.

thinks that you are awesome & rad & amazing & perfect & delicious & hugs and kisses & have my baby!!!!!!!!

could beat up Darth Vader, Unicron, Galactus, and Godzilla. at the same time.

wished upon a star that he had a monkey's paw and a genie in a bottle so he would have six more wishes.

has an outstanding physique, is very handy around the house and knows all his multiplication tables.

's upper lip is self lubricating.

is eating off the ROUNDEST paper plate he's ever seen!

[tmertz]

Rehab is for quitters.

Problem officer? <insert cool face.jpg>

[Witherfist]

I got a bunch more, but no time right now. they are hit and miss. take what you need and leave the rest.

[AA_ROBOTO]

My dick is so big it stretches from a to z on the keyboard

this is about 1 cm

[BanjoTheBear2]

if you have it, you dont need it. if you need it, you dont have it. if you have it, you need more of it. if you need more of it you don’t need less of it. you need it to get it and you certainly need it to get more of it, but if you dont already have any of it to begin with you cant get any of it to start... with. You can share it. you can even hoard it, but if you never had it...people just seem to know

mind=blown

[B1indFremen]

"The illiterate fisherman got lost at 'c' "

[B1indFremen]

Jesus H. Christ, Witherfist! Tons of material there, gj.

[RJxEdge]

im on a seewead diet when i seeweed i smoke it.

im on a seefood diet when i seefood i eat it

ive got money on money thats called brokeback money

______________ has beiber fever!

[Witherfist]

thank you for the positive reps. Some uppity Canadian negged me for "trying too hard" and knocked me into the red.

I have a friend who is differently-abled and spends a lot of time on the internet. She sent all these to me. A lot are my originals but I can't take credit for them all.


can change the polarity of a Magnetar through sheer willpower.

can smell you from here.

puts on his robe and wizard hat...

can sneeze with his eyes open.

can pass through solid objects at will.

glows in the dark when he's excited.

is going to buy flawless white diamonds for every female that reads this.

wants everyone who belives in psychokinesis to raise my hand.

says "When life hands you lemons, squeeze them in peoples eyes."

wants to die peacefully in his sleep, like grampa did. Not panicing and screaming, like the passengers in his car.

is your friend on ********, so what are your other two wishes?

wears sunglasses indoors. Because that's how he gets down.

is going to dance on a pole in his underwear.

is back; and this time, he's got a knife!!!!!

is running naked through the woods.

likes to tiptoe through the tulips.

is plotting his revenge.

is east bound and down.

is crusin' for a bruisin'.

is sneaking up behind you, but you can't see me because I'm invisible.

is watching you. always watching you.

is king of the wild frontier.

is constant as the Northern star.

is hep to the jive.

[Witherfist]

has a secret laboratory deep underground.

promises you a quick death if you surrender now.

is going to hunt the Wumpus.

has assumed control.

is a fool for you!

is wearing deodorant today!

's underwear is sticking to him.

is coming over to sing you a love song.

had his brain implanted in a robot body.

thinks you're sweet. Your hair looks cute. Cute shoes! Have you lost weight? So how was your day?

knows what scares you.

just wants to tell you good luck, we're all counting on you.

is afraid his hovercraft is full of eels again.

wants everyone to call him "Commander" from now on.

must find a more suitable host body.

has been known to meow in his sleep.

would like to congradulate you all on a job well done.

is one of many.

likes to pee sitting down like a little sissy girl.

was born and raised in a briar patch.

suspects that all you are up to something.

demands gold!

CAN fool all of the people all of the time.

is capable of giving you a spanking over standard TCP/IP. So you'd better watch your attitude.

IS USING MORE EXCLAMATION POINTS THAN EVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Witherfist]

just escaped and needs a place to hide!

is thunder-struck by this psychedelic Götterdämmerung.

is bound for the floor.

is relieved that all the witnesses are dead now.

is hiding under your bed.

mixed Coke and Pepsi together, and it exploded.

has bony knees.

declares that you are all his prisoners.

is one of "Them."

can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

has his favorite socks on!

is sticking his tongue out at you right now, and there's nothing you can do about it. :P

beats his meat. Then marinades it for a few hours, then grills it.

is making chocolate covered okra to give to all of you for Valentines day!

: If he's going down, he's taking all of you with him.

has a tatoo of your name in a heart on his bottom.

is covered with lettuce, tartar sauce, and cheese.

hankers for a hunk of cheese.

is burning with desire.

thinks you and I should totally get an apartment together!

is all mimsy like the Borogoves.

often refers to himself in the 3rd person. Jason finds it amusing. Jason is in awe of himself.

jumped off the top of a 100 story building and landed on his feet and then calmly strolled away.

is jammin' with his bowl like Old King Cole.

has an attitude problem. and if you don't like it, kill yourself.

throws rocks at passing cars.

lika.....do.....the cha-cha....

has confirmed that the Big Baboon, one night in June, he married them and very soon, the itsy bitsy spider crawled up your nose again.

is listening to echoes of silence. He's really deep and complicated like that.

gets down with the elemeno pea.

[Witherfist]

only beats you because he loves you.

is coming over uninvited. I'll be there later, have my dinner ready.

is pretending to be asleep so you won't bother him.

has printed pictures of all of you and cut them out and put them on popsicle sticks and is about to have a puppet show!

needs you to come over and shave his back.

is having an erotic fantasy about you.

says "I am the blob, the future blob!"

finally figured out your password. >

secretly has a hidden camera in your home somewhere.

is pure energy.

is lookin' through the knothole at gramma's wooden leg.

will protect you from the monsters.

found those pictures of you on the internet. Now he loves you.

is fixin' to feast on a banana!

's moustache smells like cabbage.

has a headache THIS BIG, so he is going to eat until his stomach hurts, too.
--then drop a hammer on his toe.

is in disguise, and closer than you think.

can breathe fire through his nose. It burns his lip, though.

has dug the hole, and is going to take care of that annoying problem once and for all.

thinks of you when he's in the shower.

wonders how you write a zero in Roman numerals.

New cereal for the poor stays crunchy in water! Film at eleven.

knows what rhymes with "orange."

uses depleted neutronium buckshot to completely obliterate his prey.

hereby orders a large cheese pizza.

knows where all the bodies are hidden.

puts jerry curl on his back hair.

[Witherfist]

thank you all for the birthday wishes! Your loving, caring words fill my heart with blood.

just received a full pardon!

wants you all to drink Windex.

has almost finished his secret weapon. Soon the world will tremble with fear.

loves you, but isn't in love with you. Let's just be friends.

is proceeding with a controlled burn.

knows too much. They're after me!

HA HA! I'm cuter than you!!!! :P

what are you wearing? I'm all hot and sweaty right now.

is eternal. Soon the circle between us will be complete.

is all back of the bus for a few days, then I attack; but for now, run silent. Run deep.

shall grind his enemies to dust beneath his mighty heel.

is reeling by on celluloid.

wants his childhood friends on here, who know his real name, to keep their mouths shut.

can stare you down.

washes himself with a rag on a stick.

Likes to spin until he falls down.

How do you kill a dumb blonde? Put a bunch of scratch and sniff stickers on the bottom of a swimming pool.

just an Earthbound misfit, I.

Told you not to use Lifebouy!!!

[Witherfist]

dreamed that he puked up a giant marshmallow; and when he woke up, he had an extra pillow.

just memorized the entire Unabridged American English Dictionary! It took nearly an hour.

has a new box of crayons!

installed webcams in his shower for your viewing pleasure.

comes with his own cute little outfit and a 30-day money back guarantee! Now how much would you pay???

can turn into a bat and fly away.

can hurt your feelings in five different languages.

went to Alaska for dinner and ordered "baked here" for desert!

thinks he'll wear something revealing this evening.

wants you to try his new designer fragrance "Male Pattern Baldness." For Men.

proclaims : "Tonight, I celebrate my love for you."

All the cows are laughing at me behind my back!

's back hair is completely waterproof!

vacuumed the front yard, but it's still dirty!

Native Americans refer to me as "Dances With Fat Chicks."

has sprouted antennae.


uses commas, in annoying places. ,
--,

just found out that he has been using the wrong end of his toothbrush for more than 30 years now. Why didn't anyone tell me!!!???

doesn't ever walk. He struts.

fills his pants with sawdust.

can do it with his spear and magic helmet!

has the gravy of royalty running through his veins.

has sent the entire Confederate Army to invade.

[Witherfist]

took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.

thinks Cheerios are doughnut seeds.

was under medication when he decided to burn the tapes.

7/5 of the population doesn't understand fractions

threw a rock at the ground and missed.

A day without sunshine is like night.

's sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others. Don't let this happen to you.

wants to help you out. Which way did you come in?

carefully proofreads all his updates to make sure he doesn't any words out.

is your next ex-boyfriend.

made a cow laugh so hard that milk came out it's nose.

has the power to turn gold into lead. He pisses a lot of people off doing that.

thinks that you and I would make one ugly baby.

uses Tabasco sauce as eye drops. Bring on the pain!

is using his mind powers to send you a mental image of something. Lemme know if you get it.

drinks room temperature Hawaiian Punch from a wine glass because he's so very sophisticated.

got beaten up and robbed by a girl scout!

fearlessly mixes acid and bases.

makes you feel like a natural woman.

[Witherfist]

knows where you can get a dolphin and baby seal burrito!

a dingo et mah baby!

will send five dollars to anyone who can guess three of the four foods stuck in his teeth.

can dress himself and reads at a 5th grade level!

still has most of his teeth and one good eye!

eats cereal with a fork to save milk.

needs some weapons grade uranium if anyone has some.

draws pictures of what he thinks you look like nekkid.

needs a good recipe on how to boil water.

You guys know that song "You Say Tomato, and I Say Tomato?" It makes no sense when written down.

is producing his first pay-per-view monkey knife fight.

if at first you do actually succeed, try not to be so smug about it.

drinks shampoo to wash the hair on his tongue.

cut himself shaving and Crisco came out.

's secret ingredient for his world famous secret sauce is his homemade Crisco.

introduces himself to statues.

[Witherfist]

is gonna take some sleeping pills and some laxatives tonight to see what happens.

dares to pee on an electric fence!

would argue with a signpost. because that signpost is wrong.

locked his keys in his truck last night and had to bust a window to get his friend out. :P

know's you don't read so good, so he'll write slow...

puts hot wasabi up his nose.

"Well dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians!"

picks up really nerdy chicks in the Public Library.

is one of the four Rednecks of the apocalypse.

SOY! SOY! SOY! Soy makes you strong! Strength crushes enemies! SOY!

loves you so much that he's gonna spray paint your name on an overpass. ♥ ♥ ♥

if the phone don't ring, baby, you'll know it's me. :P

chases his tail.

thinks "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk. :P

lost his shadow!




that's all of them. she sends me a new list each year, though.

[NYY]

^^^^^^

Strong nonapost

[Witherfist]

has seen this person naked: http://********.com/profile.php?=73322363

that URL redirects to the wall of the person that clicks it, by the way. I got a couple of bitchy females delete me as a friend because they really thought I had singled them out.

[MitchTheBoss]

awesome thread brahs

[bigcc]

Wither gtfo your updates aren't funny in the slightest, stick to good ones

[Witherfist]

pfft. blow it out your ass little boy, it's not like I take orders from you.

[bigcc]

pfft. blow it out your ass little boy, it's not like I take orders from you.

Age:38




ok that explains your lack of ******** humor, but the fact is that none of your **** was funny besides 1 or 2 of them

oh and I also ordered you to hit the red, U mad?

[Witherfist]

the rep thing was my fault. I thought you had negged me first. my bad. it was someone else.

I really don't care if you think any of them are funny or not. some people like them, some don't. I don't care. get over yourself.

[uboodiff]

sorry witherfist your posts sucked