Diary of a F*%K up..........Diary of a Warrior?

[_Kitty_]

Just need to get this out...

I started a "transformation" January 1st, hoping to really do it this time...and in fact I was more dedicated and got farther than I ever have before. But I guess i was more of a resolutioner than i wanted to believe...i got 2 weeks in and then proceeded to screw it all up.

My problem is with "cheat meals"..and i see now also my attitude towards food. There is so much guilt and heavy emotion involved in my eating habits...sometimes i think bordering on disordered eating. Or maybe it is just the same typical dieting mentality that always seems to do everyone in.

There is just SO much riding on this. I have *hated* myself for about 10 years, with lots of feelings coming from other aspects of life besides my appearance...but some particularly self-loathing feelings directly related to my fat. Now, i have stayed at roughly the same weight for just about as long (10 years), since I started gaining fat during puberty. But it tears me apart to know that i hate myself so much and always seem to be TOO WEAK TO EVER CHANGE. I have issues. Maybe that is defeatist thinking. But sometimes, like after I cheat, i just give in, say "F*%K it, im already a fat-screw up, i will just live the rest of my life like this, in misery." I make these choices consciously!!!!!! And so continues the cycle of self-hatred.

When I'm good, I'm so so good. In all honesty (and this is almost embarassing at this point) I was on such a role the past couple weeks, that i decided to apply for a 2 year personal training course at a college near me. I had everything down. I was eating what i consider strictly, I was working out every day, and I had finally some goals set that i thought i would live to see in 3 months.

OK, I have only screwed up for one week, i can easily hop back on. It's just, my challenge seems to be all mental. After feeling like i lost the battle, I lose a little hope. I have done this before! I don't want this to become a pattern in my life! Where i end up a fat, lonely, closed-off woman, who didn't take her goals seriously enough to get what she deserved, and be happy! and free! and spontanious with her body! I guess the ideal picture of me when im older, is not so much the fit body (that IS part of it), but more importantly, not hiding behond my fat, hiding my true personality, being jealous, angry, sad.

I am just not sure how to hop back on that wagon. Just do it, I guess? I am trying to figure out the best way to do this so it actually sticks. Maybe I have just learned a lesson that i need to incorporate into my next attempt. Maybe every time i "fail" I am learning what works and what doesn't, in my quest to become the fit woman I want to be, and to live the fit life i want.

So, I can take out of this last attempt...that I shouldn't have cheat meals? I am not sure what to do really. Like i said, i have a screwed up relationshop with food, and sometimes it seems i have an All or Nothing mentality. I was pretty strict, no sugars, no preservatives, no white flours, no bad fats, no cheese. "Eating Clean". And then...my "boyfriend" (lets just call him that for now) had suggested the idea of cheat meals, and i had initially refused...but i guess that when i started my "diet" i had not come to a decision on whether or not id do cheat meals. So it got sketchy. I hadnt really craved sweets, or, more likely, i had my mind in a strong enough place that i was able to resist. But then I thought that i was doing so well, i might as well treat myself, and planned a day (!) for the weekend. A whole day? And it started Friday. Just a couple things, cuz i knew id be goin at it Saturday. I think i just had some popcorn and a freezee type thing Friday. But Saturday... Woke up and had:

3 Eggs (incl yolks)
Bread with butter
Pancakes
Apple juice

Not so bad. But that was just the start. I continued with other crap that i don't remember, until it was Sunday and I wasn't neccessarily eating crap, but i wasn't in control of my food either. I *decided* to keep it going. Cuz I wanted to. I made cookies. Ate a TON. Like i dunno, 5 or 6, plus lots of raw batter. (i love that stuff. hurt my tummy more than it had ever before though) Then, half a frozen pizza. Well it was not a big one, basically i had 2 slices...but still. I had it in my head that i already screwed up. So it was over. I tried to tell myself that Monday I would start back up again, but no-go. It is now Sunday of the next week, and I have spent the past week gorging like you wouldn't believe. There is no stopping me when I am down on myself.

So...what do I do? Also have been avoiding the gym. I guess feeling hopeless. But I'm pretty sure that if I just go in i will at least get *some* motivation back. I do enjoy the gym usually (weights, not cardio!) and when i see changes in my body it inspires me to keep going. Thats why i love bodybuilding. Even though I am fat, through the past 2 years ive been working out, I see my body change and become more beautiful and strong...even though it does not feel like any effort! But that is the easy part. Food is my main concern. Getting the fat off around my pretty muscles. And cardio I can only enjoy when I am doing something...enjoyable. I had been planning on starting a cardio routine first thing every morning, but im not sure if it was my prained ankle, or just general lack of motivation, that kept me from achieving that goal. I wanted to jump rope. My ankle is mostly better now...so if i do get on this horse sometime soon, maybe i can try again. Dont want to put too much pressure on myself. I guess the lesson we learned here is that pressure=let down= guilt=F*%king up=fat=lather rinse repeat. So, I also have my roller derby, which i love, and i know i can keep in relatively ok cardio shape practicing 3x week...but i dont want to rely on it. The derby season begins in April/May and my goal is to be a kickass jammer, which would require a good heart, endurance, and preferably a lighter body. Oh and kickass quads too. I WANT TO GET RID OF MY FAT ASS. uhhhhh i have typed my brain out now and am feeling a bit better.

I am hoping that I can turn this into a diary of a warrior. Warriors can F*%K up, but they keep going. Warriors F*%K up, but don't give up. That's what I want from me. Ok, so, this is Day 1 of a Warrior's Diary...a Warrior who sometimes F*%ks up.

That was long.