Why are so many women so insecure???

[Forge3]

I have seen enough of this to make this thread. And I have words of wisdom to placate your trivial turns of emotion...

[Bigg_Matt]

modern media did it.

every day we are blasted of images of the "ideal" look which no one can have so it makes everyone, including, men insecure.

Personally I couldn't give a sh*t what I look like as long as I can beat someone at water polo or lacrosse.

[Tyrbolift]

Because women help continue the social convention whereby the man is the picker, and the woman is the acceptor.

Generally speaking, she can only be with a man who picks her, but a man can be with whatever woman he picks.

So her role means she has to try her best to be "pick-able". And she doesn't know if anyone wants her until someone does.

Yes, I know she can be selective through the process of rejection, but she is still limited by who picks her.

[Downwthesicknes]

Yes, I know she can be selective through the process of rejection, but she is still limited by who picks her.

As a man is limited by who picks him.


it works both ways.

edit: cuz if what you're saying is true... then guys would be having sex with whomever they desire. Which clearly is not the case. The woman has ALL the power there.

[RRV2]

As for the original question, the media and social pressure - there is a "golden standard" that everyone tries to aspire to and it's different in different cultures and countries.
The insecurity doesn't apply just to appearance, but extends to cooking skills, child rearing, athletic achievements etc., as women feel that they are being "judged" and need to "measure up"

[1972girl]

I have seen enough of this to make this thread. And I have words of wisdom to placate your trivial turns of emotion...

Why are men so secure and confitdent ?






Wat wut?

[righter]

It's not that so many women are insecure, it's that so many men pursue relationships with insecure women because they are intimidated by a woman who has her **** together.

[Tyrbolift]

It's not that so many women are insecure, it's that so many men pursue relationships with insecure women because they are intimidated by a woman who has her **** together.

I can't speak for everyone, but my perception is totally different on that point. I am much more attracted to a self-confident woman, but for the most part, they are all already connected to a man. And many times I don't find out their relationship status until after I pursue that attraction.

The only secure single women I meet always seem to have a chip on their shoulder.

That leads me to the question, does being loved by a man help make those women confident in themselves, or is that the type of woman most men are interested in?

[righter]

That leads me to the question, does being loved by a man help make those women confident in themselves, or is that the type of woman most men are interested in?

JMO:

Honestly, I don't believe true confidence can come from another person "liking" or "loving" me. I have to love myself, which a lot of times means I have to have a sense of humor and be able to laugh at myself! No one is perfect. Confidence is built from within by setting goals and achieving them, and by being true to oneself and by not compromising one's morals or identity.

To thine ownself be true. If one does that, confidence come naturally.

[Alphalfa]

there is a strong correlation between testosterone and confidence...men with low test levels typically have lower confidence as well.

[Tyrbolift]

there is a strong correlation between testosterone and confidence...men with low test levels typically have lower confidence as well.

Maybe it makes us ignorant of, or minimize perceptions of our flaws and weaknesses.

[themyth2009]

It's not that so many women are insecure, it's that so many men pursue relationships with insecure women because they are intimidated by a woman who has her **** together.

Nah its just hard to find a woman with her sheet together that actually wants us.

[righter]

nah its just hard to find a woman with her sheet together that actually wants us.

lol

[Thuirwyne]

I find it curious that in the animal kingdom, usually the males are more colorful and have to do the dance to attract the female. Either that or are much smaller than the female and just used for procreation, then eaten.

[Tyrbolift]

I find it curious that in the animal kingdom, usually the males are more colorful and have to do the dance to attract the female. Either that or are much smaller than the female and just used for procreation, then eaten.

Humans = all of the above

Both sexes try to be colorful and dance, and then we try to eat each other

[Alphalfa]

Maybe it makes us ignorant of, or minimize perceptions of our flaws and weaknesses.

i believe that's alcohol

[crystallinentity]

I find it curious that in the animal kingdom, usually the males are more colorful and have to do the dance to attract the female. Either that or are much smaller than the female and just used for procreation, then eaten.

Actually there are very few species that eat their mate. And there are many species in which the male is the larger of the two.

[Radaral]

I have seen enough of this to make this thread. And I have words of wisdom to placate your trivial turns of emotion...

everyone is. it's just that woman tend to be more open about it!

[Holly2710]

I think women are so insecure because we have this idea of what true beauty is. We never see beauty as a woman with curves, its always girls who are size zero with D sixe breasts. I too feel the pressure of measuring up to what "true" beauty is. I find If I gain five pounds I am absolutley miserable.. I think women need to focus on loving themselves rather than competing with other women. I need to also learn to follow my own advice!

[1972girl]

everyone is. it's just that woman tend to be more open about it!

This, you can go to the R.H forms and find alot of threads with guy ask how can they get the courage to talk to some girl or posting in the female threads asking if we think they are cute or not.

[barbellina]

Because women help continue the social convention whereby the man is the picker, and the woman is the acceptor.

Generally speaking, she can only be with a man who picks her, but a man can be with whatever woman he picks.

So her role means she has to try her best to be "pick-able". And she doesn't know if anyone wants her until someone does.

Yes, I know she can be selective through the process of rejection, but she is still limited by who picks her.

true the guy is almost always the one who asks the girl out, but if the girl likes the guy its pretty easy to drop some hints. (aka flirting) Generally if the guy doesn't ask you out after its CLEAR you like him h wouldn't go out with you even if you asked.

[Tyrbolift]

true the guy is almost always the one who asks the girl out, but if the girl likes the guy its pretty easy to drop some hints. (aka flirting) Generally if the guy doesn't ask you out after its CLEAR you like him h wouldn't go out with you even if you asked.

Half the time, what seems like a woman practically screaming "I like you" from a woman's perspective is in a different language than what men understand. Stuff like manipulating social situations to end up being near him... to a man just seem like random chance--odds.

And when we do recognize the flirt, well, lots of women just flirt for fun, or for a lol, or for self-affirmation, so it's just not a reliable sign or indicator any more. a man getting shut down enough times makes him wary of just falling for the first flirt, so he wants to see it 2 or 3 more times to be sure, but after just once the woman is like "oh he doesn't like me."

[barbellina]

Half the time, what seems like a woman practically screaming "I like you" from a woman's perspective is in a different language than what men understand. Stuff like manipulating social situations to end up being near him... to a man just seem like random chance--odds.

And when we do recognize the flirt, well, lots of women just flirt for fun, or for a lol, or for self-affirmation, so it's just not a reliable sign or indicator any more. a man getting shut down enough times makes him wary of just falling for the first flirt, so he wants to see it 2 or 3 more times to be sure, but after just once the woman is like "oh he doesn't like me."

hehe yea I've experienced this first hand. if a guy doesn't ask for my number after the first time I don't sweat it, if he seemed interested anyway. I just try to make him feel as comfortable asking me out as possible. for example if a guys like "so see any good movies lately?" I'll be like "yea Brothers was really good. hehe I've been wanting to see avatar forever but everybody's already seen it a billion times =( how about you?" This one seems to work on most guys in my experience. Or if he asks what you're doing on the weekend leave friday or saturday night completely open and SEEM like you really want to do something. kinda smile at him while yoy say it ect... after a few trys most guys get it lol

[Forge3]

Disclosure:

I used to be extremely insecure for a long time. It was a very hard rut to get out of. The only thing I do different now is speak the truth about myself and things as I best understand it in the moment. I don't hide behind words or games or anything. If I don't know I say I don't know. If I am not sure about something I may ask...


For some reason after doing this for awhile and I don't mean just blurting out the truth about everything because I generally pause to feel out and weigh my words. At least enough time to ensure it is me speaking. And I say what I mean without being mean. I'm not sure if I am explaining this very well now.

I generally endeavor to not put myself above anyone. From my buddhist training I bow down to people a lot as my way of greeting them. And for some reason everybody and I mean everybody shows me respect once they get to know me. But mostly I show everybody respect. It is really not about me and my worries but the focus is at least equally on other people and that outward focus relieves and inner tensions I might have if I worried about or focused more on myself.

[NOVA888]

modern media did it.

every day we are blasted of images of the "ideal" look which no one can have so it makes everyone, including, men insecure.

What came first, the media or the egg?
Who supports these ideals, the media or the egg?
Who profits from these ideals, the media or the egg?

Because women help continue the social convention whereby the man is the picker, and the woman is the acceptor.

Generally speaking, she can only be with a man who picks her, but a man can be with whatever woman he picks.

So her role means she has to try her best to be "pick-able". And she doesn't know if anyone wants her until someone does.

Yes, I know she can be selective through the process of rejection, but she is still limited by who picks her.

A horrible way of life, no doubt. I only believe in 'picking' the candidate that's best for me.

As for the original question, the media and social pressure - there is a "golden standard" that everyone tries to aspire to and it's different in different cultures and countries.

The insecurity doesn't apply just to appearance, but extends to cooking skills, child rearing, athletic achievements etc., as women feel that they are being "judged" and need to "measure up"

I agree.

I can't speak for everyone, but my perception is totally different on that point. I am much more attracted to a self-confident woman, but for the most part, they are all already connected to a man. And many times I don't find out their relationship status until after I pursue that attraction.

The only secure single women I meet always seem to have a chip on their shoulder.

That leads me to the question, does being loved by a man help make those women confident in themselves, or is that the type of woman most men are interested in?

Food for thought, no doubt.

I find it curious that in the animal kingdom, usually the males are more colorful and have to do the dance to attract the female. Either that or are much smaller than the female and just used for procreation, then eaten.

I've always found this to be most interesting. When did this paradigm become skewed?

Actually there are very few species that eat their mate. And there are many species in which the male is the larger of the two.

True. Although, I'm still rather amazed that in the animal kingdom, males are often so brightly colored and adorned. However, this is often reversed with many insects. The heteropteryx dilatata female is much larger (and more brightly colored), than her male counterpart.

But I do also find it interesting that an increasing number of modern females are beginning to look toward men for their physical attributes as well--leading more men to be concerned with looks, weight, muscularity, wrinkles, etc. There's even 'man makeup' available now, for goodness sake! Men today appear to be much more concerned with their appearance than during the pre-feminist years, a time when having a good provider/protector was more valued than having a 'pretty male' to show off.

everyone is. it's just that woman tend to be more open about it!

Definitely food for thought!

I think women are so insecure because we have this idea of what true beauty is.

And what is that?

We never see beauty as a woman with curves, its always girls who are size zero with D sixe breasts.

We actually do see more of this in our every day lives. Women we work with, our mothers, our grandmothers, ourselves. However, we often 'reject' the very thing we see in exchange for an image that reminds us of our youth, our carefree times.

I too feel the pressure of measuring up to what "true" beauty is. I find If I gain five pounds I am absolutley miserable..

But why does this make you miserable?

I think women need to focus on loving themselves rather than competing with other women. I need to also learn to follow my own advice!

I take that a step further, as the 'loving myself' movement is only part of the answer.

'Competition' to an extent is good (with ourselves and others), as is appreciation (again, in regard to self and others), as is good sportsmanship. However, I believe the key is not 'only' to love and appreciate the self, but to apply this same principle to women outside of ourselves. When we as women can learn to actually 'love' and 'accept' the woman with the big thighs, also the thin thighs, the muscular thighs, our mother's thighs, then we learn to love our own thighs (despite their many changes over the course of a lifetime).

Disclosure:

I used to be extremely insecure for a long time. It was a very hard rut to get out of. The only thing I do different now is speak the truth about myself and things as I best understand it in the moment. I don't hide behind words or games or anything. If I don't know I say I don't know. If I am not sure about something I may ask...

I believe that a number of women do appreciate this type of discussion, as it opens a dialogue that's often swept under the rug. Women are not supposed to 'feel' these things, especially when we've got so much together in other areas of our lives. So a number of us will throw a Band-Aid over our body issues, or the opposite end of the spectrum--to drown ourselves in so much self-love that we no longer see ourselves for who we are. But there's also a middle ground, which comes from that stance of humility you've mentioned, knowing we don't have all the answers.

[punxnotdead309]

I find myself very insecure, but mostly because I was bullied about my weight when I was younger, so now I'm trying to lose weight (not only for myself) because of that aspect. Not a great philosophy, I know, but I'm slowly learning to love my body and its quirks!

[Forge3]

I find myself very insecure, but mostly because I was bullied about my weight when I was younger, so now I'm trying to lose weight (not only for myself) because of that aspect. Not a great philosophy, I know, but I'm slowly learning to love my body and its quirks!

Yeah old scars don't always heal as fast as we would like them to. But I know that the scar tissue is always stronger than the surrounding tissue and more resilent. If I wasn't hurt so much when I was young I am not sure if I could be as compassionate and gentle with people as I am now. I could have become bitter and jaded but I didn't 'choose' that path in the end. And putting myself down or compensating for what I see as unnacceptable??? That is what I belive many of us do at times. And some things need to be changed. The hard thing is to live in the moment rather than hoping for better days or living in the past.

[Sjudit84]

Not sure this is the right topic for me, since I was never insecure in my life, but still read the posts...

About the media, insecure people can be controlled so much more easier, so for them it is the main goal...

It's not that so many women are insecure, it's that so many men pursue relationships with insecure women because they are intimidated by a woman who has her **** together.

Sooo damn right...and don't forget the double standard about women being called biatches if they know what they want and don't play the damsel in distress...

JMO:

Honestly, I don't believe true confidence can come from another person "liking" or "loving" me. I have to love myself, which a lot of times means I have to have a sense of humor and be able to laugh at myself! No one is perfect. Confidence is built from within by setting goals and achieving them, and by being true to oneself and by not compromising one's morals or identity.

To thine ownself be true. If one does that, confidence come naturally.

Agree...I don't think you need someone to make you. If you do, then first find your own self and only then start a relationship for example...

Sadly most women who have a job+kids+housework get too overloaded and are afraid to say NO. Just seeing my mother do that, i always asked myself why does she care more about what people will think about her? Why does she sacrifice her own time and health basically just to impress people? When she should first impress herself! I mean most people are nicer to everyone if they are nice to themselves, if they treat themselves the right way, eat right, exercise, relax, take time to care about themselves...then their whole day will be better. So I do think insecurity has something to do with trying too hard to impress others...

I find it curious that in the animal kingdom, usually the males are more colorful and have to do the dance to attract the female. Either that or are much smaller than the female and just used for procreation, then eaten.

Yeah, and then there are the ones where the female goes hunting and leaves the male with the eggs, babies...

Half the time, what seems like a woman practically screaming "I like you" from a woman's perspective is in a different language than what men understand. Stuff like manipulating social situations to end up being near him... to a man just seem like random chance--odds.

And when we do recognize the flirt, well, lots of women just flirt for fun, or for a lol, or for self-affirmation, so it's just not a reliable sign or indicator any more. a man getting shut down enough times makes him wary of just falling for the first flirt, so he wants to see it 2 or 3 more times to be sure, but after just once the woman is like "oh he doesn't like me."

And if the woman just goes there and says she likes the guy, he won't care about her bcs there is no prey to haunt down...nothing is ever good enough...

Btw I have never had a guy who didn't understand my "signs"...

[Forge3]

Just a side note before heading out. Many men can be insecure too for different and similar reasons I imagine. I certainly was at one point in my life.

[Linds33]

I think men are insecure, but due to socialization they show it in different ways. I have noticed that odly enough, a lot of males involved in BBing have insecurities and that is why they went into BBing. I have also noticed when mean appear to be overcofnfident they tend to have major insecurities and are trying to hide that fact.

I am very insecure bcause of old wounds and that is no secret. I am totally open and honest about that. I was bullied by the kids in school and by exes who would tell me i was fat. So yes, i so have old wounds that have made me feel the way i do now, but i also know it has made me a more understanding person and someone who no matter how i look, never walks around and thinks of myself as better then anyone else.

And in the animal kingdom it is true that often times the males are the brighter ones, and tend to be smaller then the females. This is very apparent with birds, but if you also think about it, how many men feel that they have to have flashing things like nice cars, lots of money, big houses, etc. Men feel that same social pressure to be a certain way or else they won't find a mate.

And i agree with Demetria, I choose my mate based on what is best for me. I know I am not for everyone but I have thankfully found someone that likes me for the way that I am who shares similar interests and doesn't mind that I am a little crazy sometimes (in a good way!).