Dating a girl with a kid (thats not yours)

[CCIE]

I totally understand where you're coming from. I was a step dad for 6 years. I can tell you one thing OP...you were bummed because you weren't able to be the one she experienced that first child with but you said she's 21. I'm guessing her pregnancy with her current child was less than ideal. She was probably broke, immature, not married and stressed the fuk out.

You get to be the guy who does her right. Who gets married, then plans a family under no stressful situation.

Even though i hate hearing about her past, what she has told me is pretty F*d up. Telling me she was never happy during the pregnancy, that the father was out doing crack (yes crack) and never supported them in any way.

He is a total loser. Doesnt pay child support, still lives at home with mom, doesnt have a car and doesnt have a job. And on top of that he has a child with someone else as well. (hes 24)

Shes never been married so i really want to do things the right way. I want us to get married, plan accordingly and start a family of our own. And the more i think about it, the more i come to terms that i can be a father to this child. We get along great with no probs, but there are times where i think ****ty thoughts like "dude this aint my kid". I need to get out of that mindset.

[ICQ666]

Even though i hate hearing about her past, what she has told me is pretty F*d up. Telling me she was never happy during the pregnancy, that the father was out doing crack (yes crack) and never supported them in any way.

He is a total loser. Doesnt pay child support, still lives at home with mom, doesnt have a car and doesnt have a job. And on top of that he has a child with someone else as well. (hes 24)

Shes never been married so i really want to do things the right way. I want us to get married, plan accordingly and start a family of our own. And the more i think about it, the more i come to terms that i can be a father to this child. We get along great with no probs, but there are times where i think ****ty thoughts like "dude this aint my kid". I need to get out of that mindset.

That thought of "This is not my kid, why should I......etc". I think is pretty normal because you will NEVER love him as your child, but you can really accept him, respect him, love him to an extend. What helps me is that the child has no other father figure but you and YOU mean more than you could ever imagine in his/her head, so don't be shy and show some love. You can make this child proud in the future and he will probably love you like a father because he doesn't have one, or has never recieved love from a "father" figure, so don't worry, this child will love you. The bottom line is that you need to accept the child with a good heart, or else, this is not going to work, why, because of the fact that the child is your girlfriend's child and will be there FOREVER.

Keep loving your girl and the kid. I also plan to have a family and why not, brothers or sisters for that little child

[hublife]

Think about it this way. The kids father is a fuking loser. You're that kids only shot at having a REAL DAD.

As a dad I can tell you that moms are important but a strong father > all

You love the girl... the kid will be calling you "dad" by the time he's 7. You're doing the right thing. Just enjoy it brah.

[solidsnake88]

**** ride it out, but it will probably end...shes dumb for dating someone who is 21 and expecting it to last...no offense to you

/just got married to wife with kid

lol. in my defense i am very mature for my age. i'm actually way mature than she is sometimes (i think the only thing that shows my age is my insecurities lol)

but siding with u, i may just be too immature to handle all of this. i dunno.

It aint easy man.. My mind is always back and forth.. one second im saying that i can do this, than the next second im saying " i dont need this ****" but at the end of the day.. i love her


lol i always say that sh*t also "If she didnt have any kids i would marry her in heartbeat!" Fact of the matter is our girls do have a child and anything we say or do isnt gonna change that

Ive been with my girl about the same amount of time, and i may be rushing to get engaged with her, but damn i cant help it. And the way i look at it is were gonna live together before we get married so worse case scenario i lost out on the money i spent on the ring... lol

surprisingly, talking about this in this thread has helped me a lot in the past day. i've never actually talked abouot this with anyone. i think i'm slowly beginning to not mind it, but i have a long long long way to go!

Some real good responses on this thread. After really giving this deep thought, i love this girl too much to not give it a chance. I know if this works out we will have kids of our own and everything will be fine. While i hate the fact that she already has a kid, im taking it as a blessing cause if we do ever have kids, i know she will be a great mother to them.

As i said in a previous post, i am planning on proposing to her on New years, and have her (and her son) move in with me when her spring semester is over. I truly feel that everything will work out and we will be happy together. When i think of the pros and cons of the situation, nothing is as worse as me losing her. I dont even want to imagine that.

let us know how the proposal goes bro!

[Autopilot]

The biggest problem for me wasnt the child...it was his mother. She expected me to treat him exactly like he was my natural born son. Even though I never had a child and she had one since she was a teenager she expected me to jump right in and be a dad. I will do my best to accept him and be a good role model...but there is no way I could love him like I would love my natural child....its humanly impossible. She didnt seem to understand that.

[CCIE]

The biggest problem for me wasnt the child...it was his mother. She expected me to treat him exactly like he was my natural born son. Even though I never had a child and she had one since she was a teenager she expected me to jump right in and be a dad. I will do my best to accept him and be a good role model...but there is no way I could love him like I would love my natural child....its humanly impossible. She didnt seem to understand that.

are you still with her? and if so how is it working out?

[tron_85]

I think women with children have(x100) to be the best, because how many guys are looking for someone with kids. They have to make up for the "baggage", so they are usually better then most women/gf's.

So I would be cautious. Make sure that this is how she truly is, and not just being like this to draw you in and will stop once the ring is on.

mind ≥ blown

edit: you also have to think long term, like inhertience,wills, college, you will be expected to give equally for the other child.


I dont think I could ever think of someone else child in the same way I did my own.

[camaroguy72]

Would I do it again... Nope.

Was I open to it before... yup.

Met a girl.. started hanging out w/ her. First she didn't tell me she had a kid. Then she tells me after we spent a night together that she had one kid. Ok, no problem I understand. From her ex fiance.

Then she starts to hook up w/ my roommate. Once i found out... he immediately blurted out that she lied and has 4 kids total... 1 from a previous engagement and 3 from a marriage.

Also lied about her age...

Bitter experience... I was open to it... but I dont want the responsibility of someone elses kid because you will NEVER be their father which would make it hard for me to discipline them ... always having someone else in the mix.

[CCIE]

lol. in my defense i am very mature for my age. i'm actually way mature than she is sometimes (i think the only thing that shows my age is my insecurities lol)

but siding with u, i may just be too immature to handle all of this. i dunno.



surprisingly, talking about this in this thread has helped me a lot in the past day. i've never actually talked abouot this with anyone. i think i'm slowly beginning to not mind it, but i have a long long long way to go!



let us know how the proposal goes bro!

Im glad its helped you. Its helped me as well (a lot). I think about this so much, its hard to concentrate on anything else. The more i talk about it the more i think about the big picture of things and the more i come to realization that i do love her, and i dont want to lose her.

It sounds to me like you really love this girl man. Do u get along with the kid? Is it only one kid or more? You guys talk about marriage at all? You ever think about how great it would be to have your own kids with her? You ever consider maybe living together? I plan on proposing to my girl, but were most def going to live together prior to actually getting married. If we can live together and work everything out than i know 100% that i have made a wise choice. While we love our women, we also need to make sure we dont put ourselves in a corner. i Would say before getting to that marriage state, live together for a while and see how it works out. If you can handle that.. you guys are destined for happiness.

[CCIE]

Would I do it again... Nope.

Was I open to it before... yup.

Met a girl.. started hanging out w/ her. First she didn't tell me she had a kid. Then she tells me after we spent a night together that she had one kid. Ok, no problem I understand. From her ex fiance.

Then she starts to hook up w/ my roommate. Once i found out... he immediately blurted out that she lied and has 4 kids total... 1 from a previous engagement and 3 from a marriage.

Also lied about her age...

Bitter experience... I was open to it... but I dont want the responsibility of someone elses kid because you will NEVER be their father which would make it hard for me to discipline them ... always having someone else in the mix.

Sounds like a ho (no offense). Most def not someone for long term.

[camaroguy72]

Sounds like a ho (no offense). Most def not someone for long term.

She was fun... I still talk to her... but we both know we're just "friends"

Plus... I have witnessed other friends of mine who dated girls w/ kids... i guess it depends how old you are. I don't want to sign my 20's away for someone else...

If you want to... and you understand the sacrifices you will have to make and what not.. more power to you. But, i don't have the will power to try it again... at least until a girl comes along that convinces me otherwise.

[Jaw-Knee]

lmao

dude is a loser anyways. I pretty much told him I will raise his daugther with the best of my abilities and if he didnt like it then tough **** and what I do in my house is my business. Most fathers who freak out are usually the ones who still want to hold on to hope of being with their ex. The mother of my daugther got married over the summer, I told the husband congrats and that I dont care what goes on as long it doesnt affect my daughter.

And yet you tell the father of your girlfriend's child that you're going to raise his daughter and that if he doesn't like it he can kiss your ass...

Do you see where I'm going with this?

[DoubtErased]

And yet you tell the father of your girlfriend's child that you're going to raise his daughter and that if he doesn't like it he can kiss your ass...

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Yeah I see but I dont get your point?

I told him if he doesnt like that I as a person am raising his daugther to kiss my ass as in NOBODY should be raising his daugther but him type attitude. The guy who married my ex I will never but into business that goes on in his house plain and simple. Only time I would interfere if my daughter was being physically or mentally abused.

[Captain Harris]

Are you ready to raise another man's kid? What if you two get more serious and she doesn't want any more kids?

[Jaw-Knee]

Yeah I see but I dont get your point?

I told him if he doesnt like that I as a person am raising his daugther to kiss my ass as in NOBODY should be raising his daugther but him type attitude. The guy who married my ex I will never but into business that goes on in his house plain and simple. Only time I would interfere if my daughter was being physically or mentally abused.

Fair enough.

Are you allowed to pick your girlfriend's daughter up from school?

[ironmancoop]

hey bro, been there done that, comes as a package, just remember the kid didnt ask for it either,some times they can be a blessing tho

[jwbeeler]

So im dating this chick... she is by far the best gf i have ever had... makes me so happy.. great looking, great in bed.. just all around such a great catch! But the only issue is that she has some baggage.. a 3 year old.

While it shoudnt bother me .. it does.. I hate the fact that she already has a kid, and that not only am i gonna have to do deal with the kid, but also deal with the father.

Anyone else have probs dealing with sh*t like this? I really cant imagine losing her, but it kills me that she has that baggage

Well, I stumbled on this thread...so here goes:

When I was 23 years old, I met a woman (on a blind date). I knew the entire story, she had 2 kids and was in the middle of a divorce, etc. Fast-forward 18 years. I am married to her and we have one child together. However, I have 3 kids. I never introduce them as step-children, they are just my kids.

When you first meet, especially if you have no kids, it is really hard to be the "pseudo-dad" while dating. I told my wife up front of how I expected to raise children. Fortunately, we had the same goals...raise kids to be responsible adults. Over time, quite honestly, I have to say I don't feel any difference in the 3 kids. To each is own, but I can tell you it can and does work out. Don't get me wrong, we've had some rough times, but would I ever change it? Nope, never in a million lifetimes.

Best of luck to you and your new (instant) family.

[GoutDeMiel]

As a dad I can tell you that moms are important but a strong father > all

I partially agree.

Children need both a mother AND a father. Both are equally as important.

I lol @ these single, "independent" moms that think that they don't need the father to help raise their child. Please!

They might not need it, but the child sure does!

Daddies are definitely underrated, IMO

[DoubtErased]

Fair enough.

Are you allowed to pick your girlfriend's daughter up from school?

Yeah I am on the list to be available to pick up. I have only ever done it once and it was because her father was supposed to and never did

[Jaw-Knee]

Yeah I am on the list to be available to pick up. I have only ever done it once and it was because her father was supposed to and never did

But it's not okay that the father request that his girlfriend be put on the list?

[DoubtErased]

But it's not okay that the father request that his girlfriend be put on the list?

When I asked my GF "What is the girls last name?" and she told me didnt doesnt know then yeah thats a problem. Never met the girl but one time also. If the dad EVER had a problem he should have said something and I would have talked to as a man to come up with a solution. Instead of once we told him no about the GF until we get some more info on her then he blew up and DEMANDED my name be taken off the list and called my GF a traitor to her race that is when I finally called him back. I am on the list as an emergency situation because he is un-reliable that is all and I wasnt on the list that one day the child would have sit at daycare until about 7pm because her mom was unreachable because she was teaching tennis.

[Jaw-Knee]

When I asked my GF "What is the girls last name?" and she told me didnt doesnt know then yeah thats a problem. Never met the girl but one time also. If the dad EVER had a problem he should have said something and I would have talked to as a man to come up with a solution. Instead of once we told him no about the GF until we get some more info on her then he blew up and DEMANDED my name be taken off the list and called my GF a traitor to her race that is when I finally called him back. I am on the list as an emergency situation because he is un-reliable that is all and I wasnt on the list that one day the child would have sit at daycare until about 7pm because her mom was unreachable because she was teaching tennis.

So you talked to him "like a man" about picking his daughter up from school? Or was it more of the same "If you don't like it, you can kiss my ass" kind of deal?

[DoubtErased]

So you talked to him "like a man" about picking his daughter up from school? Or was it more of the same "If you don't like it, you can kiss my ass" kind of deal?

Both but it was more along the lines of learn to be a father(alot more to the backdrop) and that I will not take him being respectful to my GF no matter what, and that he does not demand anything from us

[Jaw-Knee]

Both but it was more along the lines of learn to be a father(alot more to the backdrop) and that I will not take him being respectful to my GF no matter what, and that he does not demand anything from us

50/50 custody?

[DoubtErased]

50/50 custody?

No set custody which will be changing after this semester of school I am tired of that. He has NEVER once called to check on his daughter since we have been together not even on her bday

[CCIE]

Well, I stumbled on this thread...so here goes:

When I was 23 years old, I met a woman (on a blind date). I knew the entire story, she had 2 kids and was in the middle of a divorce, etc. Fast-forward 18 years. I am married to her and we have one child together. However, I have 3 kids. I never introduce them as step-children, they are just my kids.

When you first meet, especially if you have no kids, it is really hard to be the "pseudo-dad" while dating. I told my wife up front of how I expected to raise children. Fortunately, we had the same goals...raise kids to be responsible adults. Over time, quite honestly, I have to say I don't feel any difference in the 3 kids. To each is own, but I can tell you it can and does work out. Don't get me wrong, we've had some rough times, but would I ever change it? Nope, never in a million lifetimes.

Best of luck to you and your new (instant) family.

this post gives me hope. Thx man

[Guardian]

ya i know exactly what you're saying. we'll be talking or hanging out and she'll get calls from her ex husband asking when he'll have to pick up the kid and blah blah blah. i honestly love this girl, and she is actually talking about marriage with me (yes as crazy as that sounds) and i actually would not hesitate to marry her at all as long as she didn't have a kid. she always reassures me though so that's a plus

but i have no idea bro. i love her and all but i dunno if i can deal with a kid that's not my own. i just try not to think about it and am trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

how old are u?

You do not truly love her if you have all these doubts about her kid, sorry. Either accept the kid in your circle of love or get out so she has a chance to find someone that will.

[Guardian]

So im dating this chick... she is by far the best gf i have ever had... makes me so happy.. great looking, great in bed.. just all around such a great catch! But the only issue is that she has some baggage.. a 3 year old.

While it shoudnt bother me .. it does.. I hate the fact that she already has a kid, and that not only am i gonna have to do deal with the kid, but also deal with the father.

Anyone else have probs dealing with sh*t like this? I really cant imagine losing her, but it kills me that she has that baggage

I think it is a matter of if you truly love her or not, when you do you will find you naturally also love the kid as its part of her, its part of who she is not only as an offspring but also on her very persona. Just take it slow, the answers will come in time.

[solidsnake88]

Im glad its helped you. Its helped me as well (a lot). I think about this so much, its hard to concentrate on anything else. The more i talk about it the more i think about the big picture of things and the more i come to realization that i do love her, and i dont want to lose her.

It sounds to me like you really love this girl man. Do u get along with the kid? Is it only one kid or more? You guys talk about marriage at all? You ever think about how great it would be to have your own kids with her? You ever consider maybe living together? I plan on proposing to my girl, but were most def going to live together prior to actually getting married. If we can live together and work everything out than i know 100% that i have made a wise choice. While we love our women, we also need to make sure we dont put ourselves in a corner. i Would say before getting to that marriage state, live together for a while and see how it works out. If you can handle that.. you guys are destined for happiness.

I've only met/hung out with the kid a handful of times - maybe like 5? and ya she talks to me about marriage all the time and always jokes about when i'm gonna propose and where's her ring. i have thought about living together, but i want to be able to accept the kid first before i do any such thing.

Well, I stumbled on this thread...so here goes:

When I was 23 years old, I met a woman (on a blind date). I knew the entire story, she had 2 kids and was in the middle of a divorce, etc. Fast-forward 18 years. I am married to her and we have one child together. However, I have 3 kids. I never introduce them as step-children, they are just my kids.

When you first meet, especially if you have no kids, it is really hard to be the "pseudo-dad" while dating. I told my wife up front of how I expected to raise children. Fortunately, we had the same goals...raise kids to be responsible adults. Over time, quite honestly, I have to say I don't feel any difference in the 3 kids. To each is own, but I can tell you it can and does work out. Don't get me wrong, we've had some rough times, but would I ever change it? Nope, never in a million lifetimes.

Best of luck to you and your new (instant) family.

glad to hear one success story!

You do not truly love her if you have all these doubts about her kid, sorry. Either accept the kid in your circle of love or get out so she has a chance to find someone that will.

but i do love her...i just don't know if i can love her kid. she tells me that i have to love her kid the way i love her...i know even though i can come to accept her kid, there is NO WAY i can ever love her kid the way i love her...no way.

[Guardian]

but i do love her...i just don't know if i can love her kid. she tells me that i have to love her kid the way i love her...i know even though i can come to accept her kid, there is NO WAY i can ever love her kid the way i love her...no way.

But if you truly love the girl then you will realize naturally that the child is part of your love, that child is a fundamental aspect of her.

Think about it like this, although you may not agree, if this girl never had a kid then she would be different, hard to say how much so and in what ways but she would be.

I am seeing a woman with kids, and although it is challenging for me, I continually recognize that alot of the qualities and person I love about her may not be there if not for the kids. You can't have it both ways where they are the same person you love but no kids, one caused the other.

Women with kids though not always will change, they often become more caring, more mature, more appreciative, etc chances are if they didn't have a kid they may be like most bimbo girls.