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  1. #1
    Got Jacked at Banned Camp CCIE's Avatar
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    Dating a girl with a kid (thats not yours)

    So im dating this chick... she is by far the best gf i have ever had... makes me so happy.. great looking, great in bed.. just all around such a great catch! But the only issue is that she has some baggage.. a 3 year old.

    While it shoudnt bother me .. it does.. I hate the fact that she already has a kid, and that not only am i gonna have to do deal with the kid, but also deal with the father.

    Anyone else have probs dealing with sh*t like this? I really cant imagine losing her, but it kills me that she has that baggage
    Last edited by CCIE; 12-09-2009 at 10:53 AM.
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  2. #2
    Registered User markusjj85's Avatar
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    I ****ed a chick who had a kid and it was the best sex I ever had.
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  3. #3
    Registered User solidsnake88's Avatar
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    i've been dating this 32 yo for 6 months with a 11 year old kid. definitely the best gf i have EVER had..i love her so much i can't live without her.

    it was fine in the beginning. now it eats me up EVERY SECOND she mentions her kid. maybe i'm young and immature, but i just cannot fathom taking care of a kid thats not my own. every second of it reminds me of her past...i still avoid hanging out with her when she has her kid.

    i KNOW it's gonna ruin my relationship and we're gonna end up breaking up and kills me inside. she doesn't know this though....

    i dunno what to do
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  4. #4
    Advice Not-so-Guru moastmcase's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by **** View Post
    So im dating this chick... she is by far the best gf i have ever had... makes me so happy.. great looking, great in bed.. just all around such a great catch! But the only issue is that she has some baggage.. a 3 year old.

    While it shoudnt bother me .. it does.. I hate the fact that she already has a kid, and that not only am i gonna have to do with the kid, but also deal with the father.

    Anyone else have probs dealing with sh*t like this? I really cant imagine losing her, but it kills me that she has that baggage
    If you can't accept the child, you are never going to be able to accept the mother. If she is everything you want in a woan the child should be an added blessing, not a burden.

    Try getting involved in raising the shild as well. Dealing with the father shouldn't be to hard, just let him know that while he is the fatehr of the child you are part of the childs life as well. Try to get along and raise the child as your girlfriend and her ex would like, but don't go out of your way to be their ideal parent. Raise the child like you would your own as well, show it all the love you would your own child and you'll have the added blessing of a child in your life.

    I learned this from my dad, whom is not my genetic father, but raised me as if I were. He never treated me any different than my sisters (his children through my mom) and never withheld is care for my brother and I. He is my dad, and I love him. I know how hard it can be (second wife had two children from a previous marriage, who still call me daddy).
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  5. #5
    Got Jacked at Banned Camp CCIE's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by solidsnake88 View Post
    i've been dating this 32 yo for 6 months with a 11 year old kid. definitely the best gf i have EVER had..i love her so much i can't live without her.

    it was fine in the beginning. now it eats me up EVERY SECOND she mentions her kid. maybe i'm young and immature, but i just cannot fathom taking care of a kid thats not my own. every second of it reminds me of her past...i still avoid hanging out with her when she has her kid.

    i KNOW it's gonna ruin my relationship and we're gonna end up breaking up and kills me inside. she doesn't know this though....

    i dunno what to do
    bro your not alone... late at night when im talking to my girl and she mentions that the father called to say goodnight or when she mentions anything about the kid its not that i feel ugly.. but i just feel uncomfortable maybe? hell i dont even know how to explain it bro.

    I guess the question is.. do u love her enough to accept her child ? Do u love her enough to raise the child together? Im asking myself the same questions
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  6. #6
    Got Jacked at Banned Camp CCIE's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by moastmcase View Post
    If you can't accept the child, you are never going to be able to accept the mother. If she is everything you want in a woan the child should be an added blessing, not a burden.

    Try getting involved in raising the shild as well. Dealing with the father shouldn't be to hard, just let him know that while he is the fatehr of the child you are part of the childs life as well. Try to get along and raise the child as your girlfriend and her ex would like, but don't go out of your way to be their ideal parent. Raise the child like you would your own as well, show it all the love you would your own child and you'll have the added blessing of a child in your life.

    I learned this from my dad, whom is not my genetic father, but raised me as if I were. He never treated me any different than my sisters (his children through my mom) and never withheld is care for my brother and I. He is my dad, and I love him. I know how hard it can be (second wife had two children from a previous marriage, who still call me daddy).
    X2.. i see what your saying and it makes perfect sense. Me and my girl have been talking about having kids, and marriage and it just kills me about her past. I know it shouldnt.. but it does.. hard to control

    But i do love her.. so that is that.. i just gotta accept it.
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  7. #7
    Advice Not-so-Guru moastmcase's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by **** View Post
    X2.. i see what your saying and it makes perfect sense. Me and my girl have been talking about having kids, and marriage and it just kills me about her past. I know it shouldnt.. but it does.. hard to control

    But i do love her.. so that is that.. i just gotta accept it.
    Her past is part of what made her the woman you love today. Her ex and her child has helped to shape her into what she is. Without them, she litterally wouldn't be the same. You're going to have to do more than "just" accept it. You are going to have to accept it fully, otherwise you are bound for failure.
    If it hurts.... Not good
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  8. #8
    Registered User solidsnake88's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by **** View Post
    bro your not alone... late at night when im talking to my girl and she mentions that the father called to say goodnight or when she mentions anything about the kid its not that i feel ugly.. but i just feel uncomfortable maybe? hell i dont even know how to explain it bro.

    I guess the question is.. do u love her enough to accept her child ? Do u love her enough to raise the child together? Im asking myself the same questions
    ya i know exactly what you're saying. we'll be talking or hanging out and she'll get calls from her ex husband asking when he'll have to pick up the kid and blah blah blah. i honestly love this girl, and she is actually talking about marriage with me (yes as crazy as that sounds) and i actually would not hesitate to marry her at all as long as she didn't have a kid. she always reassures me though so that's a plus

    but i have no idea bro. i love her and all but i dunno if i can deal with a kid that's not my own. i just try not to think about it and am trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

    how old are u?
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  9. #9
    Got Jacked at Banned Camp CCIE's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by solidsnake88 View Post
    ya i know exactly what you're saying. we'll be talking or hanging out and she'll get calls from her ex husband asking when he'll have to pick up the kid and blah blah blah. i honestly love this girl, and she is actually talking about marriage with me (yes as crazy as that sounds) and i actually would not hesitate to marry her at all as long as she didn't have a kid. she always reassures me though so that's a plus

    but i have no idea bro. i love her and all but i dunno if i can deal with a kid that's not my own. i just try not to think about it and am trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

    how old are u?
    dude you and i are in the same F*kin boat! Me and my girl talk about marriage, having kids of our own, and her moving in (with the kid of course). And i feel the exactly same way.. if she didnt have a kid i would marry her tommorow with no hesitation!!!

    But we love them dude... And if we love them as much as we say we do.. than we shouldnt let their past ruin our future.

    im 25 by the way and shes 21
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  10. #10
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    my gf is 17... has a kid, hes 14 months, cutest kid i've ever met and i love him more and more every day i spend with him.
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  11. #11
    Got Jacked at Banned Camp CCIE's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pojo18 View Post
    my gf is 17... has a kid, hes 14 months, cutest kid i've ever met and i love him more and more every day i spend with him.
    doesnt bother you at all ?
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  12. #12
    Registered User pojo18's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by **** View Post
    doesnt bother you at all ?
    it did at my first, especially when dealing with the real father (hes 20 i believe) but we've talked about it (me and her) and i feel alot more comfortable now. She's a really great girl and shes worth getting over my feelings about the real father. and i've always loved kids (i love my baby cousins to death) so i dont really mind.
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    Originally Posted by moastmcase View Post
    Her past is part of what made her the woman you love today. Her ex and her child has helped to shape her into what she is. Without them, she litterally wouldn't be the same. You're going to have to do more than "just" accept it. You are going to have to accept it fully, otherwise you are bound for failure.
    This guy is giving the best advice. There is nothing else to question. A descision you are going to have to make on your own. But dont stay and let the kid suffer or neglect him just because he isnt yours. Kids need love bottom line. My father was raised poorly by his stepdad, doesnt know his real parents, and it still kills him this day even tho they have all passed.

    You ever think that maybe the kid has a hard time accepting you into the family? It may go both ways man. Just some food for thought. If you cant stomach the past then let her go.
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    Ive dated a woman with a kid for 7 years. She had him when she was a senior in HS. His father disowned him and signed his papers over. Hes now 11 and has never met his POS father. I guess it helped a lot that I never had to deal with the father. And it also helps that I was raised and loved by my step father (rip).


    You need to figure out whats bothering you about it......

    A. You want all of her love and attention but she of course has to put her child #1.

    B. Her and another man were once in love and had the life changing experience of having a child together. So now it wont be the same for the 2 of you when you have children. That is something you wanted to experience it for the 1st time together. No one wants to think of the love of their life having a past with another man.

    C. You just dont want to raise another mans child.

    D. All of the above.



    From reading your posts Id say your answer would be D. Its hard for you to accept her past.....and her child continuously reminds you of her past.

    Its every mans dream to meet the love of of their life. Get married. Buy your 1st home together. Have the experience of having children for the 1st time together. Raise your kids and grow old together. Well shes already done a lot of that with another man before she met you. Now you are in love with her and you feel like you got the short end of the stick.....it sucks to think about....I know.

    Remember dude. This was all before you were in her life. Yeah it would have been great if you wouldve met her before all of that happened...but you didnt. Its tough dating a girl with a child. Cant go out without a babysitter. The cost that comes with a child. Dealing with the father.....etc. Its not your child so you feel like you are getting cheated.

    I'll tell you what dude. It will get better. Get to know the little booger. Its all a part of life bro...you step back...look at the big picture....and take it for what it is. You love this woman...she is perfect for you. Dont ruin it because of your emotions. Make the necessary changes and try to be happy again. Its not helping anything to let this eat at you....its not healthy. I ruined one of the best relationships of my life because I couldnt get over her past....and it wasnt even that bad. Now that i look back I realize....it wasnt her fault....it was mine. I let that it eat at me all the time. I was mindfukced from when I woke up...until I went to bed. For what? It caused nothing but negativity in my life.

    If you seriously cant handle being with a woman that has a child its ok.....that doesnt make you a bad guy by any means. Some people just arent comfortable with it. But dont drag this woman and her child along because...... in the long run its going to either ruin your relationship or you will live life being a bitter man.

    /end rant
    Last edited by Autopilot; 12-08-2009 at 06:37 PM.
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    Advice Not-so-Guru moastmcase's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Autopilot View Post
    If you seriously cant handle being with a woman that has a child its ok.....that doesnt make you a bad guy by any means. Some people just arent comfortable with it. But dont drag this woman and her child along because...... in the long run its going to either ruin your relationship or you will live life being a bitter man.
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    Yep.. been there done that and won't do it again.. Accepting the kid or the kid accepting you,,, drama with the father,,, not being able to go out or get a sitter, complaining about not getting money from the father, etc.. = one big headache.. It's pretty hard to find all those issues taken care of with a woman with a child.. And for number 1... THE KID WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST BEFORE YOU.. and she will SAY IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN.. than she will wonder why she is single... good luck.. most of us have been there..
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    OP, well you are still 25/21 pretty young for marriage etc, so just enjoy what you have now, if you love her etc, when the time comes for marriage im sure you'll accept the kid because its a part of the woman you love

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    Originally Posted by **** View Post
    X2.. i see what your saying and it makes perfect sense. Me and my girl have been talking about having kids, and marriage and it just kills me about her past. [b]I know it shouldnt.. but it does..[\b] hard to control

    But i do love her.. so that is that.. i just gotta accept it.

    You have every right to be bothered about it, technically you're gonna possibly put a lot of effort and energy into helping to raise a kid thats not genetically yours which from an evolutional perspective is bad news for you. I'm suprised your mind isn't screaming at you to back off let alone just feeling a little bad about it.

    Its really down to how much you love her though i guess, i could never get with a chick with a kid but if you've fallen for her and you think it can work out in the future or you plan on having kids of your own as well as learn to accept the kid that isnt yours then i guess it could work.

    Dont feel guilty about your feelings though man, completely normal.
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    Originally Posted by pojo18 View Post
    it did at my first, especially when dealing with the real father (hes 20 i believe) but we've talked about it (me and her) and i feel alot more comfortable now. She's a really great girl and shes worth getting over my feelings about the real father. and i've always loved kids (i love my baby cousins to death) so i dont really mind.
    Age: 15.

    No offense brah, but you're a bit young to understand how that'll impact you later on.
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    imagine falling in love with a girl that has a kid and the most disgusting past of any girl you have ever known and that you are a virgin that was waiting for marriage --- that person is me. it screws with my mind a million times every day but i don't feel like i could ever break up with her or not marry her because she is the coolest and most beautiful girl i've ever met and i'm totally in love. its a situation i never dreamed i would be in but i guess i just have to deal with all the **** that comes with being with her. her nasty past and screw ups ****ed me big time. i probably would have never ever got with her but she was an orphan (explains why she was screwed in the head) and didn't seem like the kind of girl that would do what she did in her past. it really tests me but i really don't even feel like i have a choice....i love her so i have no choice but to deal with the consequences of her mistakes. sucks paying for somebody elses mistakes.

    only nice thing about it right now is that the kid stays w/ its grandma and only stays w/ my gf on the weekends. i would prefer the kid be raised by the grandma (of course don't tell my gf this) but i have a feeling my gf will end up getting the kid to move back in with her in the future --- probably after we are married. the kid is half black. the dad is a nasty disgusting loser....an all around horrible person. the kid could be raised normally by its black grandma. it is very weird to see a very nice looking white couple w/ a black kid that isn't adopted. i never imagined being in anything like this situation.

    basically this girls situation is totally not right for me but because i'm so in love with her i'm stuck with it.
    Last edited by mattman; 12-08-2009 at 08:29 PM.
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    Originally Posted by **** View Post
    So im dating this chick... she is by far the best gf i have ever had... makes me so happy.. great looking, great in bed.. just all around such a great catch! But the only issue is that she has some baggage.. a 3 year old.

    While it shoudnt bother me .. it does.. I hate the fact that she already has a kid, and that not only am i gonna have to do with the kid, but also deal with the father.

    Anyone else have probs dealing with sh*t like this? I really cant imagine losing her, but it kills me that she has that baggage
    if you consider her 3yr old "baggage" then iy wont work out anyways.


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    Got Jacked at Banned Camp CCIE's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Autopilot View Post
    Ive dated a woman with a kid for 7 years. She had him when she was a senior in HS. His father disowned him and signed his papers over. Hes now 11 and has never met his POS father. I guess it helped a lot that I never had to deal with the father. And it also helps that I was raised and loved by my step father (rip).


    You need to figure out whats bothering you about it......

    A. You want all of her love and attention but she of course has to put her child #1.

    B. Her and another man were once in love and had the life changing experience of having a child together. So now it wont be the same for the 2 of you when you have children. That is something you wanted to experience it for the 1st time together. No one wants to think of the love of their life having a past with another man.

    C. You just dont want to raise another mans child.

    D. All of the above.



    From reading your posts Id say your answer would be D. Its hard for you to accept her past.....and her child continuously reminds you of her past.

    Its every mans dream to meet the love of of their life. Get married. Buy your 1st home together. Have the experience of having children for the 1st time together. Raise your kids and grow old together. Well shes already done a lot of that with another man before she met you. Now you are in love with her and you feel like you got the short end of the stick.....it sucks to think about....I know.

    Remember dude. This was all before you were in her life. Yeah it would have been great if you wouldve met her before all of that happened...but you didnt. Its tough dating a girl with a child. Cant go out without a babysitter. The cost that comes with a child. Dealing with the father.....etc. Its not your child so you feel like you are getting cheated.

    I'll tell you what dude. It will get better. Get to know the little booger. Its all a part of life bro...you step back...look at the big picture....and take it for what it is. You love this woman...she is perfect for you. Dont ruin it because of your emotions. Make the necessary changes and try to be happy again. Its not helping anything to let this eat at you....its not healthy. I ruined one of the best relationships of my life because I couldnt get over her past....and it wasnt even that bad. Now that i look back I realize....it wasnt her fault....it was mine. I let that it eat at me all the time. I was mindfukced from when I woke up...until I went to bed. For what? It caused nothing but negativity in my life.

    If you seriously cant handle being with a woman that has a child its ok.....that doesnt make you a bad guy by any means. Some people just arent comfortable with it. But dont drag this woman and her child along because...... in the long run its going to either ruin your relationship or you will live life being a bitter man.

    /end rant

    Good Post..

    What really bothers me is that i wish i could of been the person that she experienced her first child with, and i feel that while if we were to have kids, while it would be the most special thing for me, i feel that she wont feel as special as her first kid. She got preg while a senior in high school and claims she never loved him, but regardless hes always going to be in the picture in one form or another.

    Im so confused...Ive been in the process of shopping for engagement rings cause i wanted to propose to her on new years, but when i think about stuff like this i just completely back off and start re-evaluating the entire situation. I really feel that she is the one for me, and i would love to have her by my side throughout life but to be really honest the whole kid thing really has an affect on me. But as much as i hate it, i cant imagine losing her and losing the happiness she gives me. We always have deep talks about how she wants to have all of my kids, and about how she wants to be the mrs and about how she wants me to be a father to her child. Everytime the convo comes up my stomach starts to turn, but i need to face the reality.. if i want to be with her long term im gonna to have to be a father figure to this child (hes 3).

    Hes a good kid.. he really is, and i try to not have that macho mentality where "Hes not my kid", but it affects me more than it should. Ive been at the jewlery store the past 3 days being seconds away from buying her the engagement ring but havent gone through with it for this exact reason. Also it doesnt help that everyone tells me "Bro you can find someone just as good if not better than doesnt have any kids.. why are you putting yourself in this situation" Which is true... but the fact of the matter is.. I love her
    Last edited by CCIE; 12-08-2009 at 08:27 PM.
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    if you can find someone just as good or better imo you should. i WISH i could but i can't imagine finding a more beautiful or cooler girl though so i have no choice but to marry. can't imagine feeling this way for any other girl ever. i think i'm going to propose on valentines day.
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    Im dating a 37 year old with two 7 year old twins, and a 19 year old daughter....its all good and her kids think im a good guy. Her ex is afraid of me so I really dont worry about him. He stays out of my business and same for me. They divorced along time ago so its not really that strange
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    Got Jacked at Banned Camp CCIE's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by USMARINE8152 View Post
    Im dating a 37 year old with two 7 year old twins, and a 19 year old daughter....its all good and her kids think im a good guy. Her ex is afraid of me so I really dont worry about him. He stays out of my business and same for me. They divorced along time ago so its not really that strange
    You have any kids of your own? You guys have plans on having kids together?
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    i dont have any experience dating anyone with a kid, but i'll give my opinion on it. first off, as far as ppl saying you can find someone better and doesnt have a kid, they obviously do not understand the feeling of love. true, you can find someone else...but this just puts a spin on it making it seem that the ONLY reason she isnt good enough is because she has a kid. thats a shame. if you want to move on, do so because you know it isnt something you can deal with and will only harm you both and will damage the child, who is innocent and doesnt deserve that....but at least try it out before concluding that. and yea, the kid is gonna come first, but that doesnt mean she loves you any less. you dont know what its like to be a parent...thats a bond that is stronger than anything. you will understand that one day when you have children of your own and realize what you would be asking her to do...its just not gonna happen, kid comes first. its not that it is stronger than her love for you, its just that it is a different kind of love one will never understand until having their own kids.

    if she is a good woman, loves you, you love her, she is committed, and all that good stuff, i dont see a single problem with the relationship...the only problem is with you. you have to figure out if this is something you can overcome or will it just be a mistake and hurt you all in the end. its like having a car you absolutly love to death...a corvette zr1....its fast, attractive, just makes you drool, but there is a dent in the left driver side quarter panel that was there when you got it...it bothers YOU, but everyone else sees a badass car that they would drive anyday.

    the woman deserves a man if she is that good for you. be that man if you love her that much. but you need to think it through...you will be taking on a responsibilty that was never yours. question is, are you willing to do that or is it something you just dont want to take on right now. whatever you figure out, you need to do this woman right and not build her (and the child) up only to tear them down when you realize you werent right for the job. in any case, good luck. i hope all works out.
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    Originally Posted by WIP View Post
    its like having a car you absolutly love to death...a corvette zr1....its fast, attractive, just makes you drool, but there is a dent in the left driver side quarter panel that was there when you got it...it bothers YOU, but everyone else sees a badass car that they would drive anyday.
    A dent in your car isn't somebody else's kid, dude.
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    Originally Posted by Jaw-Knee View Post
    A dent in your car isn't somebody else's kid, dude.
    its just an analogy. calm down killa.
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    Got Jacked at Banned Camp CCIE's Avatar
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    We just finished talking to each other and saying good night and there is no fukin question.. I LOVE HER TO DEATH! I am going to go ahead and get her the engagement ring tommorow and propose on new years. Before we get married her and her son will come live with me and we will see how that works out. I need to give it a chance and see how it is going to work out.

    You dont really know someone to the fullest until you live with them, so thats what were going to do before we engage in marriage. I am going into this with the intentions of marrying her and spending the rest of my life with her. Thx everyone for your responses.
    This is for you Coleman! ! ! YEP YEP YEP
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    Originally Posted by **** View Post
    We just finished talking to each other and saying good night and there is no fukin question.. I LOVE HER TO DEATH! I am going to go ahead and get her the engagement ring tommorow and propose on new years. Before we get married her and her son will come live with me and we will see how that works out. I need to give it a chance and see how it is going to work out.

    You dont really know someone to the fullest until you live with them, so thats what were going to do before we engage in marriage. I am going into this with the intentions of marrying her and spending the rest of my life with her. Thx everyone for your responses.
    good deal. best of luck to ya.
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