What men and women want in relationships!

[Forge3]

The difference is choosing to be with someone. Everyday it is a choice not a must.

Everyday it is about choices and making the ones that resonate us instead of going against the grain just because that seems like a challenge. In the end it is about being true to youirself because that is the gold of living our lives...

[aznprincess]

Everyday it is about choices and making the ones that resonate us instead of going against the grain just because that seems like a challenge. In the end it is about being true to youirself because that is the gold of living our lives...

yeah, i don't think a person should go against the grain just for the challenge either.

however, and i'm speaking from a marriage stand point, i can't always be true to myself, in the sense of getting what i want or doing what i want b/c it's absolutely necessary that i take my husbands wants and needs into account. and those, many times go directly contrary to what my wants or needs are.

it would be the same thing with children. the more people you add into your life the more necessary it becomes to deny one's self or risk damaging the people who rely on you. it's a degree of selflessness. i think you can be true to yourself and realize that for this time or whatever, maybe for the rest of your life, you're going to do what you would prefer personally not to do for the best of the group. (not speaking of "immoral" behaviors)

i think in a marriage at least, realizing that JUST because there are two people involved before any other factors come into play, that there might be some very heavy challenges to negotiate. for me, i'm all for that. i'm up for that type of challenge.

i guess the reason i'm elaborating is b/c many of these selfless choices don't necessarily (resonate) to me. it's not a pleasant experience. it's actually quite difficult. not at all a resonance more a discordance than anything.

[Forge3]

yeah, i don't think a person should go against the grain just for the challenge either.

however, and i'm speaking from a marriage stand point, i can't always be true to myself, in the sense of getting what i want or doing what i want b/c it's absolutely necessary that i take my husbands wants and needs into account. and those, many times go directly contrary to what my wants or needs are.

it would be the same thing with children. the more people you add into your life the more necessary it becomes to deny one's self or risk damaging the people who rely on you. it's a degree of selflessness. i think you can be true to yourself and realize that for this time or whatever, maybe for the rest of your life, you're going to do what you would prefer personally not to do for the best of the group. (not speaking of "immoral" behaviors)

i think in a marriage at least, realizing that JUST because there are two people involved before any other factors come into play, that there might be some very heavy challenges to negotiate. for me, i'm all for that. i'm up for that type of challenge.

i guess the reason i'm elaborating is b/c many of these selfless choices don't necessarily (resonate) to me. it's not a pleasant experience. it's actually quite difficult. not at all a resonance more a discordance than anything.

The whole population does not resonate with another person's being. That is just the way things are. For me the only thing that matters in the end is that I don't sabatoge myself because I want a relationship. I am truly happy that people found their compatible other with no envy though I desire the same. The unpleasant side of life is part and parcel of living and each of us deal with it differently alone or if coupled. I only hope that each person does not under-sell themselves in the whole roll of life for whatever reason.

[NOVA888]

Gosh, I'm so behind on this thread, which has bcome so juicy in the meantime! I love it!

Yes I advocate the gentle approach

This includes being firm when it calls for it I mean being a listener does not mean being a welcome mat or a pushover of course.

Oh, yes. I also support very much the gentle approach in regard to most endeavors. And as you've stated, this doesn't have to equate with being a wimp. Still waters run very deep, and very often it's the quiet ones that are the most efficient thinkers.

One doesn't have to resort to brute force, loud antics, or nonsensical histrionics in order to make themselves known, or to get their points across. If they do, then I'd say their methods simply aren't effective enough.

[NOVA888]

the other interesting thing i've found as i've become more willing to see my bad qualities, is that i'm more forgiving of bad qualities in others. yes, i see them and don't like them but i can at least sort of understand why they might be there vs in the past where i just tore that person up b/c of their imperfections.

i believe that really critical people seriously think they are the greatest. if they could see their own faults, which may be totally different from the ones they are criticizing, they would be more forgiving/ understanding.

So beautifully stated! I accept that I'm human, and therefore terribly riddled with a number of human flaws. I do forgive myself for many of these, but also try to keep an open mind. Nothing worse than an old dog (a young one too), that refuses to learn new tricks. I've also learned to forgive man (as in men), for the various flaws they're so readily accused of. No one is perfect, and realizing this as a woman makes it much easier to comprehend, and also respect those little quirks (some naughty, some nice, and some downright nasty), that apply to both genders.

that's not to say that boundaries aren't important. i might totally understand why that other person does sucky things but that doesn't mean i need to let them do those things to me.

There it is. I can comprehend human flaws, but won't ever allow myself to be compromised by them. But a lot of that also has to do with perception, as what one person considers an imperfection, another person might perceive as a thing of beauty, something to be cherished.

[aznprincess]

The whole population does not resonate with another person's being. That is just the way things are. For me the only thing that matters in the end is that I don't sabatoge myself because I want a relationship. I am truly happy that people found their compatible other with no envy though I desire the same. The unpleasant side of life is part and parcel of living and each of us deal with it differently alone or if coupled. I only hope that each person does not under-sell themselves in the whole roll of life for whatever reason.

don't quite understand what you're saying in the first sentence but i definitely agree with the last. no under-selling. <-- usually leads to unfortunate circumstances.

One doesn't have to resort to brute force, loud antics, or nonsensical histrionics in order to make themselves known, or to get their points across. If they do, then I'd say their methods simply aren't effective enough.

i was going to try to be funny here but i realize i'm actually not really funny so i'll just say. TRUE TRUE.

There it is. I can comprehend human flaws, but won't ever allow myself to be compromised by them. But a lot of that also has to do with perception, as what one person considers an imperfection, another person might perceive as a thing of beauty, something to be cherished.

i also agree with this for most cases although, i don't think i'd cherish most nasty behaviors (which are also imperfections) and usually other's wouldn't either. or i'd have to hope they wouldn't.

[NOVA888]

My coffee roaster is broken today, so I can't do any work. Thank goodness for this thread!

You know I am finally figuring something out about getting into relationships. I am make myself TOO easy and available. I just meet someone and I offer my strengths right away, am supportive and will tell them I am all ears. One of girl 'freinds' told me I am a true diamond in the rough and need to withdrawal a little bit; make them work for it and come to me. Instead of me being so open and giving from the get go. It is like I am too easy, taken for granted and women don't assess properly what is there. I really don't know how to play games of any sort. In fact I am truly dumbfounded about that.

I'd say dear sir, you just haven't met the right lady. And that's a commendable thing, as it shows you're not a 'dime a dozen' type fella.

I don't advise that people change themselves, unless of course they've got some really off-putting habits, intellectual deficiencies, or abominable character traits. So in your instance, I wouldn't change a thing, other than being a bit more discriminating about who gets all that 'goodness' you have to offer. I'd still keep giving it, but wouldn't hand it out like free candy to everyone (which only serves to cheapen a good thing).

But when the 'right' woman comes along (one that's right for you), you'll both fall into sync without skipping a beat. She won't want to 'take' anything from you, because she'll be too busy giving so much on her own. It will be a shared experience, and neither of you will need to worry about whether you're too giving, or being taken advantage of. You just haven't found the right fit--yet.

Think about it, I am very intelligent, healthy, oriented towards nutrition and fitness, very spiritual (was a monk for five years), quite university educated with straight As in every course every year even though I worked a full-time job while doing full-time studies, a fantastic listener, esxtremely passionate and wise about many things, a humanitarian in all aspects, a people person, strong yet gentle, a great communicator, quite creative in dance, music, poetry and romance yet here I am single.

You do know that 'all' of those things (on the same plate simultaneously), are scary for a lot of people, right?

My freind says I need to sit back and be more casual but my fault (if it is one) is that I am a bit too giving and supportive from the get go. I just meet someone and I am ready and willing for them to vent all through the night and I am there and really listening which is sometimes hard work for me. I have been like that for several women and they withdrawal leaving me dumbfounded.

This is where I agree with your friend. I'm a bit of a weirdo too (meaning lots on the plate), and for a long time I tried to overextend myself in order to be more attractive to others. I'd listen endlessly, work overtime to solve their problems, whatever, I was there and willing to accommodate. But in a way I was trying too hard to be loved, and as we all know, this kind of thing makes even the best of folks come across as somewhat lame. So I had to learn to chill, to also 'pick, choose and refuse.' That was the greatest advice anyone has ever given me. Learning to put my own happiness first and foremost, and to reject anyone that I have to work too hard to please. This was the biggest turning point in the way I perceive happiness, and also in the way men perceive me. Compromising who we 'are' is simply not an option. However, learning to understand, to appreciate, or to celebrate things outside of ourselves, will only make us better in the long run.

So if I'm not in sync with a particular man, why should I bend myself so horribly for him to love me? Especially since no human can keep themselves bent for any period of time, without also bending back to their original shape. So there's nothing wrong with the ways in which you give, and also communicate. But I'd personally be a lot more selective about who I'd offer that to. And the fact that you have so much to offer, also means that you need to be especially mindful of the type of woman you interact with. Not everyone deserves, or will appreciate the things we all bring to the table, so we've got to be more in tuned to the types we ought to be giving to, including adjusting the radio signals so they'll be more apt to respond.

It seems a sad thing for me because just the fact that I am so open doesn't mean I am an easy mark and to be taken for granted.

The 'wrong' people might tend to see it this way, unfortunately so. While the 'right' people will embrace you for the shining, rare gem that you are. You've just got to find more of the right people.

If I am meant to be single forever than so be it. It is hard for me to withdrawal and play the game so to speak.

I can't play the game either (I'm lousy at it), so I've stopped playing. I instead started communicating more with people like myself, then it's not a game anymore. And they are out there, just a lot harder to find in a forest filled with so many humans--many of them ostentatious, bullheaded and attention seeking. Many also with loud squeaks, needing lots of oil. The woman you're looking for probably has no squeak at all (which doesn't mean she's not a powerhouse of a thinker though), she's just more well-hidden amongst the throng. I think that's a good thing though, a wonderful challenge! All the good things in life should have some measure of difficulty attached to it.

That is just so unnatural for me. My freind said that most of the women I have seen are not worthy of my presence and I need to decide if someone is worthy of my presence before really putting myself out there.

There it is.

I am just like everyone else and become lonely at times (sad) for the presence of another to grow and journey with but I am tired of the dead pan results ofd my search when there is really nothing major wrong with me. Maybe the person that can honor who I am and what I have to offer is out there but I sure have not found her.

I'm a bit of a misanthrope, but even I felt strong longings for partnership a couple of years following my divorce. I just wanted to hold a man again, to smell that nice man smell. Of course we all have these feelings, we wouldn't be human without them. But what are we willing to sacrifice in order to get the things we want? Was I willing to sleep with a guy on the first, second or third date just to feel loved for a brief moment? Just to smell the sweet man musk, and to feel protected in some big, strong arms? Was I willing to behave differently than who I am (the person I know best), just to be more attractive to the opposite sex? To play that male/female game that I'm so lousy at? No, I'm simply not willing to do it.

But the thing is that when I stopped playing, I started living. I then started increasingly discovering who I was, and what type of person I'm best suited for. It's a cake walk for me now, and I know pretty much instantly what type of person I 'should' be attracted to. Notice that I said "should be attracted to," as opposed to the type I very often 'am' attracted to. This was a major learning curve for me, but one that's served me well.

[Forge3]

Wow how did you get so wise. I read your post initially expect critique not so much understanding (my plate of hash)! God I hope the man in your life knows what they have there (serious)!

I totally agree with you on your points! I have become a bit reluctant to be totally candid with everyone but in truth I know it is the only real way to find my counterpart in the world. There is nothing more sexy to me than a good warm smile and deep character nowadays! Yes I look at the body but if the person does not have it together it is an empty deal for me.

[Jaw-Knee]

Women:





Men:

[NOVA888]

Thank you so much. I learned most of what I know from watching a LOT of movies, lol. Eek! Some other stuff too, but I'm sure you know all that same stuff.

There is nothing more sexy to me than a good warm smile and deep character nowadays!

So true, so true.

[NOVA888]

I think I actually 'get' that, you're good!

But the above picture is one of the most hideous grubs I've ever seen though! Gack!

[NOVA888]

i was going to try to be funny here but i realize i'm actually not really funny so i'll just say. TRUE TRUE.

I love your humor, and your posts!

i also agree with this for most cases although, i don't think i'd cherish most nasty behaviors (which are also imperfections) and usually other's wouldn't either. or i'd have to hope they wouldn't.

I was a bit terse in explaining, sorry for that.

What I meant to say was there are things each of us might see as perks in a partner, while another person might perceive the same characteristic as a flaw. For instance, both of my sisters perceive every man I've been with as being cold or distant, while I perceive them as independent, able to let me have some breathing room. So for me this is a positive characteristic (one that I actually look for in a man), while another woman might want more warmth, and time together as a couple.

[aznprincess]

I love your humor, and your posts!



I was a bit terse in explaining, sorry for that.

What I meant to say was there are things each of us might see as perks in a partner, while another person might perceive the same characteristic as a flaw. For instance, both of my sisters perceive every man I've been with as being cold or distant, while I perceive them as independent, able to let me have some breathing room. So for me this is a positive characteristic (one that I actually look for in a man), while another woman might want more warmth, and time together as a couple.

^^^yes, i figured this was what you were saying and i totally agree with it. actually, this is the thing that makes answering a question like "what to women/men want" so difficult.

[Diavola]

Dem and Princess????

You girls rock!!

[Piper6666666]

The majority of men seem confused about this because we get mixed signals sometimes and some even read books on this called The Game and such like it is a chess match lol. I have a good idea however let us here your views on this

Edit: Let's here from the men too!

More often then not most men dont seem to know what they want.
They act like they do, but then act a totally different way when it finally comes to doing something about things.. (confused/trust issues I think)

All in all I think men and women play too many head games with one another..
Definitley needs to stop...