anxious and bothered by my body

[castanedadude]

I've been putting off writing this post, asking for help because I know a lot needs to go into it. I've been reading the forums and have seen how much many of you have been helping others. I guess I am asking for some help too.

Basically, I am the poster-boy for not knowing how to workout or exercise in all aspects from pushing yourself too hard, to not enough, to incorrect form--you name the bad thing, I did it.

In 2006 I started weight lifting and cardio routines to get back into shape. I had never really exercised until 2006.

I lifted weights until around October/November of 2008 after months of overtraining and shoulder pain. In early 2009 I found out that I needed surgery on my right shoulder for a torn posterior labrum and thickened and inflamed biceps tendon (biceps tenodesis). I had the surgery in March of this year. Before the surgery I weighted 153 pounds and now I weigh 135 pounds. I am 26 and was never really big to begin with. The surgery cost around 17,000$ plus physical therapy. Thank god for health insurance (kind of).

The surgeon told me that labral tear was due to pressing-bench and deltoid. The story is that early on in weight lifting I noticed my right arm was significantly weaker than my left. I also noticed that any back work that I did never felt good since my arm was so weak I never got a great contraction or pump on my right side. Anytime I used barbells my left side did all the work, be it chest work or back work. The back work I did was never as productive as the DB chest work that I did. I am not quite sure why considering that a labral tear significantly impacts chest work.

So basically I come to you skinny and out of proportion. My body looks funny because my arms are really small (I have no triceps), my upper and mid back is undeveloped and I still have muscular imbalance between right and left sides of my body (left pec, arm and back are stronger and larger than right). My legs are, of course, tiny (skinny ankles, flat feet). My chest and lats are the only slightly noticeable part about my physique. Oh and by the way, I hate my chest. I can't get over the feeling that my chest looks boob-like. And I can't tell why. My feeling is that the front my by body (my chest) is more developed (while I say more developed, I understand that being 135lbs--nothing is really developed) than my back and my arms. So, for example, when I wear tight fitting shirts, clothes stretches across my pecs and clothes hangs off my chest making it look like I have boobs. I believe my problem is exacerbated by my sternal pectorals being being more developed by my clavicular. Has anyone seen pictures of Romany Malco? I'm afraid that I'll have a weird boob chest like he does.

I will say that although I was never big, at 153lbs I could squat 260lbs back in the day when I stopped benching and started deadlifting and squatting. I guess I am kind of proud of this considering how small I was. Now 70lb squats are tough for me. But I'd like to change that.

So, I am really unhappy with my body. I feel so stupid for trying to lift weight not knowing what the hell I was doing. Not only that, but something was wrong with my perception too. I never used any objective means of measurement, whether it was measure BF% to keeping a log of my weight lifting progression. I went by how everything looked and felt. That was a mistake. Maybe all the beginners who read this will realize that weightlifting is, to a degree, a science. Please don't go in the weight room and just throw weight around. You will hurt yourself like I did.

Now, I definitely want to be more balanced in approaching lifting weights. Right now my primary concern is getting back into shape and getting my body back into proportion by focusing on my weak areas. I am also concerned with the aesthetics of just having an overall proportional and natural-looking physique, meaning I want to have a proportional build and have a natural looking physique. I no longer want to get huge. I don't want to have that feeling (at least not right now) driving me to the weight room--you know that feeling of unhappiness with one's body. I just want to lift and exercise in moderation.

So here are some of my questions and concerns:

I have been told that compound exercises work muscles like biceps and triceps and delts effectively and that isolation exercises are not really needed. In my experience, however, this hasn't been true. For all the benching I did, I barely saw tricep development. How have other people overcome this problem? For all the chin ups I did, I barely saw bicep development. And I certainly never saw shoulder development. When I bench, my chest got big--nothing else. Can I make effective gains with isolation exercises? My only guess as to why my arms didnt grow was 1)didnt lift enough weight or 2) that my DB bench press somehow turned into more of a DB fly (perhaps I instead of pushing straight up and down I was doing more of a modified fly-push where I was "hugging the tree" but still involving my elbows in the push somewhat more than you would in a fly). Also, I've noticted that my sternal pectoralis is more developed than my clavicular, which gives me the appearance of having boobs when I wear a shirts. You'll see in the photos where I'm opening the champagne bottle, that my sternal pecs are bigger and stick out.

I am posting a few pictures of myself because I was wondering if you all could help me target which areas of my body I should concentrate on to balance out my physique. I understand that I am not big and that I don't have a lot of muscle, so only supportive comments are comments I would appreciate. In the pictures I am at varrying weights and bodyfat percentage.

My feeling is that I need to concentrate ony arms (biceps, triceps and shoulders (anterior, lateral, posterior). Upper traps, middle fibers as well as rotar cuffs. Lat work is a must too. However my lats are the most developed muscles of my back so I want my upper back to catch up before I go crazy on my lats. Will I be able to create the body I want for myself by concentrating on these muscle groups. Are these the muscles that you see need to be worked to balance out my body?

Also, it goes without saying that I will be squatting and deadlifting.

I also understand that I probably have body image problems. Sometimes I get so upset and anxious about the way my body looks that I can't think and I have panic attacks. I am taking medicine for this now.

By virtue of putting on more muscle and working the areas I mentioned, will my body start to balance out? Right now I feel like my chest is the biggest part of my torso and that it looks funny. Granted, with my shirt off, I don't look as funny as with shirts on--you will have to trust me that I carefully choose shirts to wear--ones that don't make me look like my pecs don't stick out like boobs. Again, my feeling is that my pecs stick out because my other muscles aren't developed enough so as to frame my chest and make it look smaller.

I know I probably have body dysmorphic disorder. So maybe talking about this with all of you will help me.

I know this message is ridiculously long, but I was wondering if some of you could help me. Could any of you suggest anything? Routines? Anecdotes? Bench press form? Observations about my body? Does it look as funny as I think it does? Your candor is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading this. Am I crazy?

img130.yfrog.com/gal.php?g=yttk.jpg

[Mike.Mack]

Okay, so i read your book (lol) and then i looked at your pictures.

Here's the deal, sir. You are 1) Not crazy, but mistaken; you are your biggest critic. Not disfigured or totally improportioned, so quit being so self conscious, seriously. 2) You won't notice a great Tricep workout from bench pressing with a wide grip.

I have a messed up rotator cuff, which can be serious and can be impeding if i don't lift with good form, and now, since i have been lifting, if i skip my shoulder routine my shoulder is in a good deal of pain.

So essentially, i am building my weakest point up to be something i won't notice.

That aside, I have a few points to adress.

Improportionate physique:
It's not uncommon to have one side be dominant and as you progress, be a little smaller than the other. This is something you will notice as time goes on and you can adress with a proper routine. If one side is weaker than the other, do what you can handle in COMPUND exercises and then throw in an ISOLATION for the weaker side to bring it up to speed.

Compound exercises like the bench press will work many muscle groups, but the majority of the effort (when done properly) will come from one, such as the chest in this case.
However, your stance, grip or what have you is determinate in how that plays out.

SO, a bench press with a wider grip will me majority chest whereas a CLOSE grip will be majority triceps.

As i bulk, i notice a lot of the mass tends to wanna be right side dominant. Whether that's from nursing heavy loads with my right side (which would explain a serious knee problem in the service) or what, who knows.

Form is EVERYTHING. Before you go looking for that 350 lb squat and 220 Bench, get your form down, and get it down early. I chased numbers for a while and wasted a lot of gym time and money.

I could post a million things here about what to eat, what to work how to and all that, but this site is full of that information. Otherwise, just shoot me a message, i'll get back to you quick as i can.

Best of luck, there's no reason to give up, chase your dreams!
"The mind is always the FIRST to quit, not the body. The trick is to make your mind work FOR you, NOT against you."

[TNetz]

You have a BIG man's mind in a little man's body .

You can fix this by putting what you know to work. I agree with everything said above me and the only thing I would add is you might be forgetting the importance of proper dieting. In other words, you might want to eat some more. That could have been a big factor in getting hurt. Just something to think about.

It is normal to have improportions. It has a lot to do with dominance. Like said above, this can be worked on but even the most advanced BB's have this as well. Although, in their case I'd say it has a lot to do with genetics.

I also agree that you are your biggest critic. For what it's worth I'm also on anxiety meds. They'll take you far if taken correctly. Stay motivated.

As far as you're routine, I have to agree that compounds are the best way to go. If you're on a split type routine, focus on the big three (Bench, Squat, Deadlift) and throw in some assistance work to benefit them. For Bench press, you can do close grip presses or skull crushers to help your tris for instance.

Also, don't be afraid to ask questions at the gym. I always look at what the bigger guys are doing and ask questions. I've never had somebody that was unwilling to help out.


Oh yeah, you are NOT crazy. You just might want to relax a bit. As crazy as this might sound, being what we're all doing here, the way you're body might look is not the most important thing in the world. It should be FUN, and exciting knowing that everything you want is right there for the taking.