Am I Over-Reacting? Please help!!

lutesville · 07-29-2009, 12:17 PM

So last night, my husband of 10 yrs tells me he's going to a baseball game, which is about an hour away from home to meet his brother so he can write some life insurance on his family. He tells me that he probably won't stay for the whole game because he's tired and needs to get an early start at work the next day. The game started at 7:00pm and he swore that wasn't going to drink and that he'd be home early. He promises to text me and let me know what's going on, if anything changes.

At 1:20am this morning, he still wasn't home, and I hadn't received a text from him.
He pulls in the drive way about 15 mins later, drunk off his @ss. I was pissed because he drove home drunk (and a long distance) and didn't respect me enough to call or text me, as he promised.

This has been an on going thing with him over the past 10 years. He doesn't know his liquor limit, he acts inappropriately when he's drunk, he never calls as he promises and he drives drunk. He knows that if he got pulled over, his insurance career would be over, not to mention if he got in an accident or even worse. He does this every time a friend comes to town, or whenever he goes to an event, or whenever he goes back to his hometown.

We have recently had some marrital problems from him having a membership to a porn site and interacting with other women. He quit doing that....but now he is back to being irresponsible and not respecting me or his family with the drinking habits.

Should I leave him? He is a great father and when he isn't f'ing up, he is a great guy. I just can't deal with the drinking and driving, and him not respecting me! I told him the last time he did this, I wasn't going to tolerate it anymore, which was about 1 month ago, and I told him the same thing the time before that which was about 3 months ago. He just doesn't care!

Today I took off my wedding ring and told him I was done......was this the right thing to do? HELP!!

ssj4veggeto1008 · 07-29-2009, 12:21 PM

wtf op! ten years..thats a little overboard.. its called a midlife crisis...work through it with him...let him get a two door drop top...he will get over it..lol i thought u caught him texting his ex or something..

Rune · 07-29-2009, 12:25 PM

I would probably be a little pissed about the lying and general disrespect also... if it's something that's happened a number of times like you make it sound it has I can't say I disagree with you.

Does this kind of thing effect day to day life.. or is it a less frequent occurance? That's the only thing you were a little unclear about in your OP, and kind of dictates how pissed your allowed to be.

lutesville · 07-29-2009, 12:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rune

I would probably be a little pissed about the lying and general disrespect also... if it's something that's happened a number of times like you make it sound it has I can't say I disagree with you.

Does this kind of thing effect day to day life.. or is it a less frequent occurance? That's the only thing you were a little unclear about in your OP, and kind of dictates how pissed your allowed to be.

It happens about every 2 months or so. But it has been happening since we got married 10 yrs ago. I guess I completely lost my trust in him when I caught him interacting with other women on a porn site, since then I have really needed to feel like he wants our marriage and that his old bad habits are a thing of the past. I think I am a good wife....I usually let him do whatever he wants and don't say anything.....until the drinking thing happens! He could lose everything!

I don't think this is a mid life crisis -- It has been happening since his early 20's!

Rune · 07-29-2009, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lutesville

It happens about every 2 months or so. But it has been happening since we got married 10 yrs ago. I guess I completely lost my trust in him when I caught him interacting with other women on a porn site, since then I have really needed to feel like he wants our marriage and that his old bad habits are a thing of the past. I think I am a good wife....I usually let him do whatever he wants and don't say anything.....until the drinking thing happens! He could lose everything!

I don't think this is a mid life crisis -- It has been happening since his early 20's!

Have you tried voicing your concerns to him? What was his response/reaction(if you have)?

xXConsistancYXx · 07-29-2009, 12:42 PM

I know im young, but i have the same problem as your husband (srs), i either dont drink or i drink to get destroted, except i dont drink and drive but i get drunk and do dumb ****, mostly the reason last girl doesnt talk to me anymore. Honestly, he wont stop, unless you actually do leave him and make him realize that he really loves you and wants to be with you more then get hammered, clearly you have been trying to tell him no and he doesnt listen, also interacting with other women as in actually physically cheating or just watching porn?

Edit: i also wouldnt just leave him right away but, tell him its serious and that you love him enough for 1 more chance, talk to him first.

neekz0r · 07-29-2009, 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lutesville

It happens about every 2 months or so. But it has been happening since we got married 10 yrs ago. I guess I completely lost my trust in him when I caught him interacting with other women on a porn site, since then I have really needed to feel like he wants our marriage and that his old bad habits are a thing of the past. I think I am a good wife....I usually let him do whatever he wants and don't say anything.....until the drinking thing happens! He could lose everything!

I don't think this is a mid life crisis -- It has been happening since his early 20's!

How much do you love him? Your husband has an alcohol problem. Do you love him enough to help him through it? Does he love you enough to work through it?

If the answer to these questions is "yes", then help him get some help. If the answer is "no", start getting the divorce ready. Hell, start getting the divorce ready anyway -- maybe he needs that as a wake up call.

On the other hand, you have to recognize that you married him while you were aware of his problem. Consequently, HE's still the same person you married. You are just tired of that person. Expecting someone to change for you -- that takes a lot of love for you on his part. It is, perhaps, a tad unfair of you to expect it. But if you aren't happy, you aren't happy.

lutesville · 07-29-2009, 12:55 PM

Rune = Yes, I have talked to him and he knows how I feel. He knows I am serious....and not just for my sake. He could lose his career and everything he's worked for.

XXConstitancyXX = You are mature for your age!

I have been very serious with him. I told him the last 3 times, that I couldn't deal with it anymore. He brought me to tears ( and I never cry ) and it always causes a disruption in our marriage for days, every time he does it. As far as I know, he hasn't physically cheated, but he was talking to other women about very intimate details about his sex life in our marriage and what he wanted to do to the other women. He even agreed to meet another woman, until he got caught. It broke my heart. I think you are right...he isn't going to change!

lutesville · 07-29-2009, 01:02 PM

NeekzOr = My husband doesn't think he has a problem since it isn't an every day thing. It only happens once every 2 - 3 months. But he doesn't know his limit. He drinks too much to the point where he can't hardly function....let alone drive.
You are right, we both drank when we first starting dating. But after we had kids and some other life changing events ( he had cancer and almost died ) he vowed to quit. He quit for about 3 yrs. But started up again about 2 yrs ago. I just don't get it!!!
Like I said, I just don't want him to change for me....he needs to grow up! But yes, I kind of do feel like we are at different points in our lives too.

neekz0r · 07-29-2009, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lutesville

NeekzOr = My husband doesn't think he has a problem since it isn't an every day thing. It only happens once every 2 - 3 months. But he doesn't know his limit. He drinks too much to the point where he can't hardly function....let alone drive.
You are right, we both drank when we first starting dating. But after we had kids and some other life changing events ( he had cancer and almost died ) he vowed to quit. He quit for about 3 yrs. But started up again about 2 yrs ago. I just don't get it!!!
Like I said, I just don't want him to change for me....he needs to grow up! But yes, I kind of do feel like we are at different points in our lives too.

Doesn't need to be an every day thing to be a problem. It's a problem when his wife is thinking about divorcing him over it. It's a problem when he could lose his career over it. It's a problem if he's endangering other peoples lives over it.

Really, if it weren't a problem, why would it be a big deal to quit and not do it.

DualRectifier · 07-29-2009, 01:10 PM

Escape, avoidance, settling-in behavior, self-medicating....sounds like both of you are no longer into the marriage. Either fix it or cut it loose.

Elwood83 · 07-29-2009, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lutesville

Rune = Yes, I have talked to him and he knows how I feel. He knows I am serious....and not just for my sake. He could lose his career and everything he's worked for.

XXConstitancyXX = You are mature for your age!

I have been very serious with him. I told him the last 3 times, that I couldn't deal with it anymore. He brought me to tears ( and I never cry ) and it always causes a disruption in our marriage for days, every time he does it. As far as I know, he hasn't physically cheated, but he was talking to other women about very intimate details about his sex life in our marriage and what he wanted to do to the other women. He even agreed to meet another woman, until he got caught. It broke my heart. I think you are right...he isn't going to change!

I'd be more concerned about this than the drinking. Talking dirty to some random person in a chat room is one thing, but to schedule a meeting with that person....well I don't think they were planning to play scrabble. You said it happens when he goes out with friends. Have you ever discussed options before he goes out such as him calling you to pick him up if he's had too many, or setting aside some money for him to get a cab? Or is it just where he drinks and then says "Hell with it" not knowing he's had too many.

lutesville · 07-29-2009, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by neekz0r

Doesn't need to be an every day thing to be a problem. It's a problem when his wife is thinking about divorcing him over it. It's a problem when he could lose his career over it. It's a problem if he's endangering other peoples lives over it.

Really, if it weren't a problem, why would it be a big deal to quit and not do it.

I know it's a problem, but like I said, I dont think he's convinced. I have tried to tell him several times, but he just says that he'll work on it. Until the next time one of his buddies calls him up.....then he does the same thing. He just can't drink socially -- but in addition to all of this, he never calls me to tell me what's going on. I don't feel like he respects me at all!
I just don't know how to deal with it.

Hishiad · 07-29-2009, 01:22 PM

You've told him how many times? and he still keeps doing it?

You can do one of two things. Either this REALLY IS IT and you leave him OR you turn the table tell him you're going out to so and so's and you'll call and won't be long. Then don't call and don't respond to him and come back the next morning.

You don't even have to get drunk. See how he reacts to the same treatment. He will probably get mad/jealous and turn into a paranoid freak...

lutesville · 07-29-2009, 01:23 PM

Elwood83= I was extremely hurt by the whole "other woman" situation. I know he was truly sorry about this, and I don't think he's doing any of this anymore. However, when he gets bombed when he goes out, he does tend to hang on women or do inappropriate things -- he thinks he's being funny, but it's because he's so f'ing drunk, he can't tell that he's crossing the line.
Yes, rather than having him drive, I would definitely pick him up, but that's the other problm -- he never calls! And I don't feel like I need to call him or babysit him. He would probably get mad and think that I am checking up on him if I did call anyway. IDK, maybe I just need to move on....?

lutesville · 07-29-2009, 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hishiad

You've told him how many times? and he still keeps doing it?

You can do one of two things. Either this REALLY IS IT and you leave him OR you turn the table tell him you're going out to so and so's and you'll call and won't be long. Then don't call and don't respond to him and come back the next morning.

You don't even have to get drunk. See how he reacts to the same treatment. He will probably get mad/jealous and turn into a paranoid freak...

Hishiad = That is GREAT!! I have thought about this....I don't think he would actually care if I did it though....also, we have 2 kids. I don't want them to see their parents acting irresponsibly. I don't want them to know about their father's behavior either. I am trying to teach them to call when they are going to be late, and to make good decisions (the complete opposite of what their dad's doing---LOL)

YARDGORILLA · 07-29-2009, 01:36 PM

Both of you=marraige counselling

M.C. will advise you on treatment options, ultimatums, or other alternatives.

Plus, if he has a chemical dependency issue, he may not react well to you. He may want to "shoot the messenger".

Or he just wants to take a break from life.

Elwood83 · 07-29-2009, 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ragingcrayon

sounds like a typical guy... who doesnt hide it from you.

most guys do the same isht but hide it.

he doesn't want marriage to constrict his living. just let him be free.

Since when did "typical guy" include making plans to hook up with other women and DUI's?

Elwood83 · 07-29-2009, 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ragingcrayon

ok white knight

Who the **** am I white knighting? I don't cheat on my girlfriend and I don't drink and drive, so that means I'm not normal? Yeah, that makes sense.

user45354 · 07-29-2009, 01:56 PM

i dunno lol

lutesville · 07-29-2009, 02:02 PM

Ragingcrayon = I don't think all men are bad! I hope not, otherwise I might have to turn to women! LOL Like I said, my husband is a good guy, with some very BAD, irresponsible habits and behaviors. Is it wrong to leave a marriage if the guy is good, but has bad habits?

YARDGORILLA = I don't see us going to counseling, honestly. Not because of me, but because my husband believes that everything can be fixed on it's own. He had cancer and almost died, which was life changing for him. He quit drinking during this time, but it was short lived. Now he is back to doing the same $hit! Is it wrong for me to want to actually change him? I always thought you should love someone for who they are. Maybe we are just changing! UGH!

Elwood83 = Good for you! Your girlfriend is lucky to have you!

Rune · 07-29-2009, 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lutesville

Rune = Yes, I have talked to him and he knows how I feel. He knows I am serious....and not just for my sake. He could lose his career and everything he's worked for.

But what was his reaction, did he just brush you off, was he defensive, appologetic.. did he say he would change and not, or simply act like you were blowing it out of proportion?

In either case, the simple fact that he seems to not respect your opinion on the matter, or the fact that it is upsetting you is not a positive sign. If you love him still, perhaps seek some kind of therapy together, other wise I can't say I blame you for being fusterated or fed up. If he's not willing to change, and his habbits upset you this much I doubt your going to have a future, at least not one without a lot of anger and resentment.

Rune · 07-29-2009, 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ragingcrayon

he doesn't want marriage to constrict his living. just let him be free.

Yet, he went and got married.

Rune · 07-29-2009, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ragingcrayon

i bet he behaved similarly b4 proposing... and now its catching up to her so now she wants him to change and he's like.. "babe, wtf... u knew me going into this"

Yeah, sorry, when you have kids and are supporting them and a family, putting your life on the line, or your career on the line is not an option - you are responsible to more than just yourself, and there comes a time when you need to grow the f**k up and act like a man, not a teenager.

lutesville · 07-29-2009, 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ragingcrayon

hes not cheating hes just bored and having some thrills. he prolly was fine to drive.

Ragingcrayon = IDK...if these are the kinds of things that give him excitement, then I definitely need to move on! It's one thing to have a couple, but he gets hammered to the point where he can't hardly walk. I honestly think the car drives itself home. He could lose everything === it's one thing to have fun, but he doesn't know his limits!

Al_Pal · 07-29-2009, 02:18 PM

maybe if you werent such a prude and satisfied him sexually he wouldnt need the porn site.

men are no different then women and that we like to feel wanted and sexy 2. are you making him feel that way?

and EVERY MOTHER****ING GUY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WATCHES INTERNET PORN!!!!! crawl out from under that rock... let him be a man, get drunk and watch porn. i bet you will even start ****ing you better.

lutesville · 07-29-2009, 02:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rune

Yeah, sorry, when you have kids and are supporting them and a family, putting your life on the line, or your career on the line is not an option - you are responsible to more than just yourself, and there comes a time when you need to grow the f**k up and act like a man, not a teenager.

Rune = Thank you SO much, you are really helping me!

I admit that when we got married, I partied a little too.....I was no angel, but that was over 15 yrs ago. I guess I do want him to change....but not just me....for his family and for his career, and for his own health. I have dealt with alot from him....the "other woman" situation and the drinking, I just don't think I can take anymore! Thank you for being rationale and honest!

Al_Pal · 07-29-2009, 02:23 PM

its funny how all the posts you really agree with or take your side are really helping you and any that might be pointing a finger partially at you are ignored or forgotten.

u seem to be looking for an out. just go.

psamty · 07-29-2009, 02:26 PM

You have two options:
(a) Marriage counseling with both of you on board
(b) End it

I suggest (a). But don't let it go further either way. Alcohol is a killer and you have kids.

lutesville · 07-29-2009, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Al_Pal

maybe if you werent such a prude and satisfied him sexually he wouldnt need the porn site.

men are no different then women and that we like to feel wanted and sexy 2. are you making him feel that way?

and EVERY MOTHER****ING GUY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WATCHES INTERNET PORN!!!!! crawl out from under that rock... let him be a man, get drunk and watch porn. i bet you will even start ****ing you better.

I agree and believe I am! I admit, after the porn incident, that opened my eyes to his needs a little more. Before the porn incident, our sex life was "normal" like most people who have been together as long as we have. But now, I think he is pretty damn spoiled!!! If he would have approached me and told me that he wanted things spruced up in the bedroom, I would have satisfied his needs a long time ago....but he never tells me anything. But I agree, sex is VERY important and he is very spoiled!! I don't believe this is our problem anymore.