batgirl's quest to domination!

[pretty.batgirl]

Like the title?! Hahaa...cheesy but cute.

So, after a push from the stunning The_Animal11 I've finally decided to start a journal! It is quite intimidating, I have to be honest, a lot of the girls here lift heavy and have a bloody amazing physique...I'm still building my strength and I try and push myself every session.
My latest accomplishment has been doing a leg press at 60KG! I started off at 20kg just 2 months ago! Also...doing bicep curls and deadlifts with 10kg on the barbell...

I have struggled with eating disorders in the past, I still have anorexic/bulimic tendencies but bodybuilding and lifting weights is definitely helping me overcome them. The more results I see the harder I work to keep them coming and the more care I take with nutrition, meals and what I do to my body.

I came to terms with what I was doing and I realized how damaging and self destructive my habits were and how everything, from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep, going through my mind was bout food...what I would eat, what I wouldn't, how many calories I would take in the following day and where every single bite I take in would be stored in my ass/butt/thigh...wherever...it was taking control of me. This is me taking that control back. Slowly but definitely progressing.

The number on the scale is something I can't let go of, about 3 weeks ago I came clean to my trainer...I didn't necessarily blurt everything out, but from my response to a question he posed...The guy definitely figured it out...so he pressed the fact that I should try and not weigh myself for while and instead turn to the mirror and photos to determine if I'm happy with my body and not let it rest on a number. The last time I weighed myself, 3 weeks ago, I was at 45.2kg.

Today I am at 46.4kg.

My scale doesn't calculate bodyfat % so hopefully, that weight gain is due to muscle?

While I haven't been looking at macros my 'diet' has been mostly consisting of grilled chickens/veggies/olive oil <heart>/egg whites/protein shakes/hummus....and (as of last sunday) the odd rice pudding/apple crumble now that I'm back home with my mom. She keeps taking me for coffee at this amazing place and saying NO to their apple crumble is a crime. Because of my disordered eating in the past, I trying not to count calories because I'll just end up in a loophole...when I do, I make sure it's never below/above 1500-1800 on active days and 1200 on rest day.

Up until last Sunday, I've been studying in London where I had a personal trainer who I saw 2 times a week (our sessions mostly focused on circuit/weight training) and when we didn't have a session, I did 2 HIIT sessions and 2 sessions where I worked at home either with a fitness dvd (usually Jillian Micheals No More Trouble Zones) or just did my own thing at my flat's gym.

I'm determined to add more structure to my workouts....My trainer used a split routine (just focusing on lower body and abs one day and lower body/upper body + abs the following session). On my own I'm all over the place. Over the past week I've been doing Jari Love's extremely ripped workout (high rep low weight) on Monday/Wednesday/Friday and doing HIIT on the treadmill for 12 minutes with a 10 minute warm up/10 minute cool down (are those too long??) and abs on Tuesday and Thursday. I am however stuck on what to do on Saturday...Yesterday I ended up doing Jari's workout again but I felt like it was too much since my legs and arms were completely exhausted. Today's my off day...

I'm not going back to London until July 10th and I really want to keep building my strength and working hard. I don't want to go back and not be able to push the heavy sledge at the gym back and forth for 2 lanes. Last Friday I was able to do it only stopping twice!

By the end of today, hopefully, I plan on having my strength training schedule sorted and either picking a upper/lower body split or push pull...I really don't want to just get addicted to Jari's video!

To those of you who ended up reading all that, thank you! Keep rocking!
xx

I'll check in soon.

[CharliC]

Hey, welcome to journaling

We've got a similar history (and a common interest in apple crumble and rice pudding) plus I'm practically a fellow Londoner, so I'll be following along!

[pretty.batgirl]

Originally Posted by CharliC

Hey, welcome to journaling

We've got a similar history (and a common interest in apple crumble and rice pudding) plus I'm practically a fellow Londoner, so I'll be following along!

OMG, that's so cool! Thanks for welcoming mee...

Apple crumbles and rice puddings have become my vices.

And Creme Brulees...Have you tried the one at Cafe Rouge? It's pure heaven.

PS. Your abs rule.

[The_Animal11]

I'M SUBBED

haha bout time!!

let's get this thing rollin!

[pretty.batgirl]

Originally Posted by The_Animal11

I'M SUBBED

haha bout time!!

let's get this thing rollin!

*hug!!

Yeah, I'm back on here!! The last couple of weeks have been crazy but I think I'm finally settled.

[genn]

Hi, welcome to journaling.
same past history here too and I truly believe that you can overcome it.

Oh and just throw that scale out the window :P! This will truly help.

I will follow you!

[CharliC]

Originally Posted by pretty.batgirl

OMG, that's so cool! Thanks for welcoming mee...

Apple crumbles and rice puddings have become my vices.

And Creme Brulees...Have you tried the one at Cafe Rouge? It's pure heaven.

PS. Your abs rule.

I haven't tried the creme brulees, but I've noticed they now have a creme brulee trio there, which I may have to try.

And thanks- yours are looking pretty hawt too

[pretty.batgirl]

Originally Posted by CharliC

I haven't tried the creme brulees, but I've noticed they now have a creme brulee trio there, which I may have to try.

And thanks- yours are looking pretty hawt too

Yeah, I haven't tried the trios...I play it safe and just stick with the vanilla.

Their Tart tatin is amazing as well...My mom loves that place so much we go there nearly everyday for brunch and we always share a creme brulee (always ask for it warm!)

But that's only when she's over in London.

[pretty.batgirl]

Originally Posted by genn

Hi, welcome to journaling.
same past history here too and I truly believe that you can overcome it.

Oh and just throw that scale out the window :P! This will truly help.

I will follow you!

Thank you!!

One step at a time...I'm sure I'll get to the point where I can find the strength to throw it out.

[The_Animal11]

Originally Posted by pretty.batgirl

*hug!!

Yeah, I'm back on here!! The last couple of weeks have been crazy but I think I'm finally settled.

glad to hear it! whats been goin on these past couple weeks? just movin around and stuff?

[pretty.batgirl]

It's been a while since I've roamed the site, my life's been really chaotic these past few weeks!

My diet has been really out of control, my mom enjoys coffee shops...A LOT, so nearly every other day I've been indulging in an apple crumble...But aside from that, my meals have been mainly consisting of lean proteins. I need to get my days sorted out! Since it's summer I'm basically sleeping in all day and up all night (not that I'm doing anything special or partying...) just up watching movies, catching up with shows and books...painting...yeah, I'm pretty boring. I stay up until like, 8ish am and then fall asleep...wake up around 1/2 pm...Not that any of that is relevant...I have a tendency of rambling...but, whatever...

As of last Saturday I've stopped weight training. Up until that point I was obviously working out hard and going to the gym and I was seeing a lot of results (gained a few pounds), my abs were finally 'popping' and I was getting some really intense side lines in my inner thighs...Of course I was ecstatic but at the same time...It was scary...I ended up pulling everything back, stopped HIIT, stopped weight training and so for the past week I've basically just been dancing for about an hour/ hour and a half.... I stopped indulging and I feel like I've stopped eating as much, I don't know... I feel like I'm falling back into my old self again and I really don't want that to happen.

The only person that can stop it is myself, I know that but sometimes it's those little triggers that pull you back into your old habits...I feel like I can't control it, but at the same time I have to take the responsibility, I can't allow myself to travel down a self destructive road and yet I can't also restrict myself and train my ass off for 2 hours a day and drive myself mad over every calorie...

I'm having an extremely hard time finding a balance. I find myself in either one extreme or the other.

I know I'm supposed to post on here more often, I'm just an extremely shy and reserved person...Sometimes I do want to write but I don't know WHAT to note down and other times...I do know what to write about but I feel silly or feel like I'd be boring the hell out of the reader...My shyness is something I've always had to work on. I'm incredibly shy in environments I don't yet feel comfortable in but when I'm finally settled in I'm a completely different person and it's really easy to just let go. Yeahhhh :blush:

[genn]

Originally Posted by pretty.batgirl

It's been a while since I've roamed the site, my life's been really chaotic these past few weeks! :

I'm glad to hear from you again. I was wondering how you were doing and why you didn't post!

Originally Posted by pretty.batgirl

As of last Saturday I've stopped weight training. Up until that point I was obviously working out hard and going to the gym and I was seeing a lot of results (gained a few pounds), my abs were finally 'popping' and I was getting some really intense side lines in my inner thighs...Of course I was ecstatic but at the same time...It was scary...I ended up pulling everything back, stopped HIIT, stopped weight training and so for the past week I've basically just been dancing for about an hour/ hour and a half.... I stopped indulging and I feel like I've stopped eating as much, I don't know... I feel like I'm falling back into my old self again and I really don't want that to happen.

The only person that can stop it is myself, I know that but sometimes it's those little triggers that pull you back into your old habits...I feel like I can't control it, but at the same time I have to take the responsibility, I can't allow myself to travel down a self destructive road and yet I can't also restrict myself and train my ass off for 2 hours a day and drive myself mad over every calorie...

I'm having an extremely hard time finding a balance. I find myself in either one extreme or the other.

I feel like I know exactly what you mean. I must leave to work in the next minutes but i'm going to write back when I'll get home cause I have so much to say about that.

Originally Posted by pretty.batgirl

I know I'm supposed to post on here more often, I'm just an extremely shy and reserved person...Sometimes I do want to write but I don't know WHAT to note down and other times...I do know what to write about but I feel silly or feel like I'd be boring the hell out of the reader...My shyness is something I've always had to work on. I'm incredibly shy in environments I don't yet feel comfortable in but when I'm finally settled in I'm a completely different person and it's really easy to just let go. Yeahhhh :blush:

I think you should write everything you want to write even if it seems silly. People in here don't know you and they won't judge. Sometimes when you feel like nobody around you would understand then just right it here. It can help you with your negative self talk and readers can give you advice. Also when something is good and you're proud of its good to share.

[The_Animal11]

Originally Posted by pretty.batgirl

It's been a while since I've roamed the site, my life's been really chaotic these past few weeks!

My diet has been really out of control, my mom enjoys coffee shops...A LOT, so nearly every other day I've been indulging in an apple crumble...But aside from that, my meals have been mainly consisting of lean proteins. I need to get my days sorted out! Since it's summer I'm basically sleeping in all day and up all night (not that I'm doing anything special or partying...) just up watching movies, catching up with shows and books...painting...yeah, I'm pretty boring. I stay up until like, 8ish am and then fall asleep...wake up around 1/2 pm...Not that any of that is relevant...I have a tendency of rambling...but, whatever...

As of last Saturday I've stopped weight training. Up until that point I was obviously working out hard and going to the gym and I was seeing a lot of results (gained a few pounds), my abs were finally 'popping' and I was getting some really intense side lines in my inner thighs...Of course I was ecstatic but at the same time...It was scary...I ended up pulling everything back, stopped HIIT, stopped weight training and so for the past week I've basically just been dancing for about an hour/ hour and a half.... I stopped indulging and I feel like I've stopped eating as much, I don't know... I feel like I'm falling back into my old self again and I really don't want that to happen.

The only person that can stop it is myself, I know that but sometimes it's those little triggers that pull you back into your old habits...I feel like I can't control it, but at the same time I have to take the responsibility, I can't allow myself to travel down a self destructive road and yet I can't also restrict myself and train my ass off for 2 hours a day and drive myself mad over every calorie...

I'm having an extremely hard time finding a balance. I find myself in either one extreme or the other.

I know I'm supposed to post on here more often, I'm just an extremely shy and reserved person...Sometimes I do want to write but I don't know WHAT to note down and other times...I do know what to write about but I feel silly or feel like I'd be boring the hell out of the reader...My shyness is something I've always had to work on. I'm incredibly shy in environments I don't yet feel comfortable in but when I'm finally settled in I'm a completely different person and it's really easy to just let go. Yeahhhh :blush:

im glad to see you posting these things here. i think there are some people in this section that may have some very good advice and suggestions for ya. and i agree with the poster above me, you should post everything, itll give people more info to help you!

[pretty.batgirl]

Originally Posted by genn

I'm glad to hear from you again. I was wondering how you were doing and why you didn't post!



I feel like I know exactly what you mean. I must leave to work in the next minutes but i'm going to write back when I'll get home cause I have so much to say about that.



I think you should write everything you want to write even if it seems silly. People in here don't know you and they won't judge. Sometimes when you feel like nobody around you would understand then just right it here. It can help you with your negative self talk and readers can give you advice. Also when something is good and you're proud of its good to share.

Yeah, I really want to post on here more often...Definitely planning to. I'd love to hear your input! Hopefully you had a good day at work!

Originally Posted by The_Animal11

im glad to see you posting these things here. i think there are some people in this section that may have some very good advice and suggestions for ya. and i agree with the poster above me, you should post everything, itll give people more info to help you!

lol, decided to stop bothering you with PMs and just let it out here...haha.

[The_Animal11]

Originally Posted by pretty.batgirl

lol, decided to stop bothering you with PMs and just let it out here...haha.

i havent gotten any in a long time! i was gettin very :-(

[pretty.batgirl]

Originally Posted by The_Animal11

i havent gotten any in a long time! i was gettin very :-(

you serious?! I replied to every one you sent and I thought I was bothering you 'cause I didn't get any back..then I got one, last week I think and responded to it then to the one after that...then I didn't get any back and I sent you one asking if you were getting them or is there a problem with the PMs....

[CharliC]

Hey, good to see you back. It sounds like you've had some struggles to contend with. I know it's very difficult to escape the all-or-nothing mindset- there's a lot of having to go way out of your comfort zone and that in itself is often triggering, so you end up in a crappy cycle. I've found that the weight-training has helped immensely with this- it puts a positive spin on food, because eating is so closely tied in with progress and it's also very stress relieving. So everything is just a little bit easier, which counts for a lot when you're in recovery. Writing things down is good too. How are you feeling at the moment?