I thought you guys at the MISC might like this
Today's episode: The Gym
Gyme? What's a gyme?
Ohhh a gyme.
Yes my vaginally desperate friends, the gyme. I mean, the gym.
Today's episode will teach you how to pick up chicks in a gym based environment. Like the supermarket but unlike the bus stop, the gym is an environment in which your time frame for picking up chicks is quite substantial. Furthermore, all that grunting, sweating, panting, and heavy lifting exudes allusions that are ripe for sexual innuendo. Ripe like a sweet, sweet pomegranate on the streets of India. Ripe like the buttocks of a ten year old boy. I MEAN LIKE THOSE TWO CHICKS I TOTALLY BANGED LAST NIGHT. After you have employed my gym based methods, you will get as much pussy as me, Hugh Jassdick, and you all know that I need more pussy like I need an ******* on my mother****ing elbow.
1.Picking the right gym
When strategizing on location, you have to look at two key factors when contemplating gym choice: your competition i.e. other men, and the type of chicks that are most likely to be picked up in a gym.
First of all, I understand that your fat and/or lazy ass doesn't work out and more then likely, you have not entered a gym in many years. I ask you now to please get off the ass groove in your couch and leave your friends Ben, Jerry, Doritos, and Count Chocula behind. Get on the phone, cancel your Pap smear appointment, and let's get this show on the mother****ing road.
Now, there are certain gyms that are not good for picking up chicks.
a) Gold's Gym
What's that pencil dick? You want to be picked up by a massively chested man that where's a skinny tank top that could likely fit a tank and who's massive pectorals require a size E training bra? If so, then get the **** out of here, you ***got. Go read an AJ post or beat off to your Sears lingerie catalogue your mom uses to order bras to impress the milkman who is likely your father which is ironic because you are lactose intolerant.
If you're serious about this, you understand that Gold's Gym doesn't have chicks. And, well, the chicks that do work out there...let's just say they have larger penises then you do and shave twice as often.
b) Corporate Membership Gyms
These are the gyms in the downtown or CBD area that are packed during lunch time by lawyers, corporate executives, and other hot shots that make millions of dollars and wipe their asses with one dollar bills. Though now that I think about it, though that would be totally bad ass, it must give you an awful rash. I hate to..."rub it in your face" George Washington (hahaha).....buuuuut I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
Firstly, you will be unable to afford a membership to this gym because your corporation doesn't offer you the benefit of a gym membership, and by corporation I mean the pre-school where you do janitorial work. That money goes to Crayola and Oscar Meyer. Second, even if you could gain access into these gyms you would stand out like Hitler at a Bah Mitzvah. And lastly, the women that are at these gyms are confident, statuesque, gorgeous women and are likely looking for men with, you know, teeth and a fully functional penis. Unfortunately, you possess none of these qualities.
So my needle dick friends, what is the prime location?
College gyms are cheap and affordable on your four dollar an hour salary. Remember, you have to look at your competition and the chicks with the most available pickupability. I understand that the college gym is full of massive football players and 7'0 basketball players with 12 inch penises, but these guys go for the hottest co-eds i.e. girls you would not have a chance with and if they ever spoke to you would cause you to premature ejaculate 45 times in 32 seconds which would likely result in a self-administered vasectomy. Of course, the bright side of this is that you will never expose the world to the horror that would be your offspring. But I digress.
The key to the college gym is that while all the competition goes after the cream of the crop, you will have the opportunity to pick up some prime book worm pussy. More on this later.
2. Wearing the right attire
Please, for the love of all that is good and pure in this world, do not wear a headband. I realize you sweat like a pedophile at recess, but that is what towels are for. Carry a small, white, face towel. If it is absolutely imperative, you can wear a wristband, but remember, the key is not to draw attention to yourself. You are not Paris Hilton at a library. You do not want to look out of place.
Second, if you even think about wearing that T-shirt with the spaghetti stain on it or those semen incrusted jogging pants that have not left your chicken legs in 10 days then I will cut off your balls and shove them in your ass, so when you ****, you **** on your balls (**** yeah). Wear a nice, cotton white t-shirt that fits you normally. You do not want to wear a muscle shirt because you clearly have no muscles, nor do you want to be swimming in a large shirt that will affect your mobility. A clean pair of track pants and white running shoes with slight scruff are also ideal. You don't want to look like one of those ***s who just bought a pair of blinding white shoes. Also, leave your walkman or CD player full of Abba's greatest hits at your house, apartment, or cardboard box mud hut. I don't want any distractions, you ****ing dancing queen fairy.
3. Picking the right girl
As I previously stated, the college gym is the ideal location because as the other handsome jocks are flouting after the big cuts of meat like the T-bone, you are after the filet mignon: tender and juicy and French. Little do the jocks realize that those girls that they think are prime cuts are really just ribs. They may have some meat on them, but it's mostly just annoying to work around the bones. I don't even know if that makes any sense, but I just like steak.
But seriously, the girl you are looking for is easy to spot. To start, she is wearing fairly loose fitting clothing. She is not the type to show off her body because she hates herself and the way she looks. However, you should be able to tell through the baggy clothing that there is plenty of potential. It might even help is she has a little junk in the trunk, but the operative word is little. Just a little junk. I'm not talking about a yard sale going on in her ass. If her ass says, "everything must go" then you must go the hell away from there. Do not collect $200. Second, it helps if she is wearing glasses and a bonus would be if she is constantly pushing them up because they slide down her nose. She feels exposed without a book clutched to her chest, and she has finally worked up the confidence to enter this intimidating environment. She is aimlessly walking around the gym, clearly scared. She is intimidated by the sexy co-ed's in their tight spandex pants and sports bras and sandy freckled cleavage, their locks of silky smooth hair caressing their sweet, sweet hooters......excuse me a minute.
Now, the ultimate bonus is if the girl has a little bit of acne on her cheeks. Do you know why? Because countless scientists have proved that there is only one sure fire way to cure acne.
That cure my friends, is semen.
The money shot then, is mutually beneficial. In the bedroom you can be all like, "sup bitch, just call me Doogie Howser, Dermatologist."
4. The Approach.
Okay pimp. You got your college gym picked out. You got your plain white T-shirt and track pants on. You got your small towel around your neck. You may or may not have your wristband. You got your ho in sight. It's game day baby. Let's do this ****. Don't feel intimidated. Attitude is everything pimps. You gotta have a look on your face that says, "*****, you better back the **** up before you get smacked the **** up. I ain't singin', I'm bringin' drama. **** you and your mother****ing mama."
Start doing some exercises as you survey your target out the corner of your eye. She will wander around a little bit longer and then finally work up the courage to try a machine. But wait, what's this? She is struggling to adjust the seat on the bicep machine. It appears to be stuck. This is your cue gentlemen. Approach your target and flash her a smile. Make sure you brushed your teeth that day. Bend down beside her and say, "Those darn seats get stuck all the time. Let me help you with that."
She will look up at you. Like I said in previous posts, MAKE SURE THERE IS A WARM LOOK IN YOUR EYES. You will adjust the seat and show her how to work the machine even though you may be completely wrong. Who cares, she doesn't know what the **** she is doing anyways. Work out with her for about a half an hour. You want to make sure she has enough energy to still **** you and let's be real here, you need all the help you can get. During this half hour, ask her questions about herself, but don't say anything about you. A man who listens is a man who gets laid.
Go to your respective change rooms and take a ****ing shower for god's sake. Meet her outside the gym afterwards and say, sort of awkwardly, while looking at the floor, "so...you wanna like...get a protein shake or something?"
I guarantee you that she will say yes.
For you see my friends, my approach is the sure fire way to pick up chicks. I mean, you can employ other techniques if you want, but it's kind of like watching a porno without a plot. Sure you'll still ejaculate in 38 seconds, but it's just not the same without a storyline.