Problems with marriage?

[jpg68]

I am in need of some help. I think my marriage is going down hill and fast. We have been married 3 years come May this year. We have two little girls one of which is only 3 1/2 weeks old. My wife always threatens to leave me if something doesn't go her way. We own two houses one is a rental the other we can afford only if she works part-time. I have always worked two jobs for as long as we have lived together. Last night I told her I would stay up with our youngest daughter who is collicky. She said no. Well around 1am I heard our daughter crying like crazy. So, I went and tried to take care of her I got yelled at. Somehow my wife started saying how she doesn't get to workout in the mornings and wont be able to when she goes back to work. Now she says she isn't going to go back to work. I am just a little lost on what is going on and probably just had to vent. I am at the point that if she leaves she leaves yeah it will hurt me but she has done this time and time again. I would do anything for my two daughters and have. I feel as if my wife just doesn't want to be happy and just wants everything to go her way. If it doesn't she throws a fit. I have told her how spoiled she is and that she gets whatever she wants. She argues saying she has not gotten anything she wanted. She got a brand new vehicle that she had to have, a house that she wanted, a part-time job which made me work more often taking away from me being a dad and husband.

[fitnessman]

Postpartum depression perhaps?

[jpg68]

Well that is what I was thinking as well. But this has happened well after our first daughter was born and during pregnancy. I just think she has been so spoiled and can't deal with being an adult.

[Tester_T]

Originally Posted by fitnessman

Postpartum depression perhaps?

She needs to go to a doctor/therapist or something.

[fitnessman]

Originally Posted by jpg68

Well that is what I was thinking as well. But this has happened well after our first daughter was born and during pregnancy. I just think she has been so spoiled and can't deal with being an adult.

Seek marriage counseling?

[tbonez3858]

Some people will tell you to walk...I cant tell you what to do but I never walk away from anything. You have kids on the line so I dont see that you have much of a choice. The day your first kid was born was the day your priorites and hapiness went out the window. Man up and gut through this. If she walks...she walks. You cant control another person. You will be able to hold your head up and say that you did everything you could if she leaves. Thats my opinion so take it with a grain of salt...

[ragingcrayon]

tell her u dont understand why she threatens you like this... that when you met her she was a nice person but now u dont feel like shes being so nice

[jpg68]

She won't go. She blames it all on me and if you say that it is a two way street she remarks I forgot your so perfect. I mean seriously I get treated like I am the dumbest person on earth and don't doa thing at all. But I keep up the yard work two jobs if not more. I know she is mad cuz I shake my head at her mom. Her mom cannot for the life of her figure out how to put our daughters in their car seats or unhook their belts. I just shake my head cuz it isn't that hard.

[Tester_T]

Originally Posted by tbonez3858

Some people will tell you to walk...I cant tell you what to do but I never walk away from anything. You have kids on theline so I dont see that you have much of a choice. The day your first kid was born was the day your priorites and hapiness went out the window. Man up and gut through this. If she walks...she walks. You cant control another person. You will be able to hold your head up and say that you did everything you could if she leaves. Thats my opinion so take it with a grain of salt...

Totally disagree. Dumbest post I've ever read.

[GoutDeMiel]

Originally Posted by fitnessman

Postpartum depression perhaps?

That was my first thought too...

But how old is she, OP? Sounds like she's got a mix of postpartum, immaturity, and spoiled problems.

Maybe getting her on meds and/or counseling would help?

Postpartum is no joke. especially if your daughter is collicky. I babysit my niece from time to time and she's collicky too - drives me up a wall. I'm sure it does the same for your wife. Lucky me, I can hand my niece back to her mother at the end of the day - your wife can't do that. Juggling two young kids is very difficult even if they're total angels.

[jpg68]

I have spent all night and all morning asking her what I did. Usually I am the one that has to appologize and say I was wrong but knowing that I didn't do anything. I don't wwant to walk and won't. If she leaves she leaves. And I have emails and texts from her that would make a judge rule against her to get custody for as much as I know. She has bashed my family so much and talks so badly about them. They have offered to help with daycare so that she could get more sleep or go do stuff with our oldest daughter. She wont take any help but complains about it.

[tbonez3858]

Originally Posted by jpg68

She won't go. She blames it all on me and if you say that it is a two way street she remarks I forgot your so perfect. I mean seriously I get treated like I am the dumbest person on earth and don't doa thing at all. But I keep up the yard work two jobs if not more. I know she is mad cuz I shake my head at her mom. Her mom cannot for the life of her figure out how to put our daughters in their car seats or unhook their belts. I just shake my head cuz it isn't that hard.

Do you realize you cant change her..Nothing you do is going to satisfy her if she has issues. You are in a losing game so stop trying. Do whats right by you for your kids. Seek counseling so that she might realize that she has problems and work on them. Other than that its third down and inches..what you gunna do?

[Tester_T]

I would walk from that personally. Your kids won't be happy living in this mess.

[jpg68]

My wife is 26. I always ask what can i do to help. If I try to read her mind I get yelled at if I dont ask I get yelled at

[captainhorseboy]

hit up some counseling. if what you're saying is true then she will hear from a totally outside perspective that she is being unreasonable. right now she is making you the target of her anger/depression. it seems like she isolated you as the source of it, thus she won't listen to anything you say. above all she wants to be right. if you go to a therapist and sit down and talk it out, and the therapist tells her how bat**** crazy she is being, then she will have no argument anymore.

[tbonez3858]

Originally Posted by jpg68

My wife is 26. I always ask what can i do to help. If I try to read her mind I get yelled at if I dont ask I get yelled at

Part of the problem is that you allow yourself to get yelled at..Sit down make a list of what each persons expectations are for the relationship and the chores. Once you have the list be faithful to do those chores. If after that she yells at you, remind her of the expectations you both agreed upon and then calmly walk off....Do NOT be afraid of her.

[GoutDeMiel]

Originally Posted by jpg68

I have spent all night and all morning asking her what I did. Usually I am the one that has to appologize and say I was wrong but knowing that I didn't do anything. I don't wwant to walk and won't. If she leaves she leaves. And I have emails and texts from her that would make a judge rule against her to get custody for as much as I know. She has bashed my family so much and talks so badly about them. They have offered to help with daycare so that she could get more sleep or go do stuff with our oldest daughter. She wont take any help but complains about it.

Wow that's a mess. You certainly don't deserve that. Although i also realize that we are only getting your side of the story.

Maybe I'm too old fashioned, but you do have two daughters that you are responsible for. Getting a divorce without trying to fix the problems between you and your wife does them a great injustice. If I were you, I'd suggest counseling for you two before divorce was even an option.

Think money is tight now? It'll be tighter when you divorce. You'll be paying child support for two children and possibly pay her alimony. I'd hang on until there was no choice but to part ways permanently.

From the information that you've given so far, it sounds like she has personal and communication issues - all things that can be fixed with counseling. Obviously you enjoyed her company and love her or you wouldn't have gotten married.

[mydawgs]

Marriage and kids...needs an attempt to fix whats broken. All things can be fixed if BOTH parties want to fix it. You cannot be married and make the marriage work by yourself. You both need to be candid to each other about what each of you see as the problems. Then discuss what each of you are willing to do to address them. To do this, you must both HEAR each other...not vent on or blame. Good luck.

[jsVR-4]

Shortly after my son was born I started counseling with his mother. She's on bb.com she'll probably read this and comment as well -- or I can direct her to the thread.

I had similar feelings to what you're saying.. I thought she was just nuts. She clearly didn't exist in the same reality as me.

We started counseling and were told to read this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Mar...dp/0310243149#


The premise of this book (at least what I took away from it) was that you can't force anyone to behave a certain way. You can't force your wife to think differently, or respond to anything differently. Conversely, no one can FORCE you to get angry or upset.. you allow yourself to get angry and upset. All you can do is control your own behavior and emotions.

If you say you're always apologizing and going out of your way to make things right, you're not setting healthy boundries in your life.

Take the example of your daughter at 1am. Next time you can say, "Look, I'm going to be up with my daughter throughout the night whether or not you agree with it. You can choose to get some rest while I'm up with her, stay up with both me and her and be ok with that, or stay up AND be upset with me." The point is, you set a boundry, live up to it, and do it calmly. She knows the consequences and will have to live with them as long as you follow through and don't get upset.

There was a story in the book about a woman unhappy with her husband always coming home from work late. So she stopped making him dinner when he got home. She made dinner for the family and put his plate of food in the fridge for him to heat up when he got home. Well, he didn't like eating re-heated dinner. Eventually, he started coming home to eat with the family.


Finally, I'll say this. If you "stick it out" for the sake of the kids, the kids will look to your relationship with your wife as a model for relationships. Do you want your daughters to mimic your wife's behaviors in their own relationships? How many abusive and harmful relationships will that land them? Maybe they'll overcompensate in their own relationships because they don't want it to be like yours. Then they'll get walked all over, used and abused by men.

It's better your children see 2 healthy people separate, then 1 unhealthy relationship.

Good luck.

[treener]

As a mother of three children, and having depression with all three and even long time afterward, it does kind of sound like she may have it. I am no doctor but I do think that it should be mentioned to her (and most likely you should wear a helmet or something for that) for she may not like to hear that. It's a hart thing to admit but I would make darn sure you are at that next doctors apt to mention it to the doctor.

The stresses after having a second child can be bewildering for both mom and dad. It is a very stressful time and if you don't have the techniques to handle these situations, you will get into non ending fights.

It's about communication. Also remember, if she is depressed, she may not be able to do that properly or with a clear head.

Good luck. I'm cheering for you guys.

For someone who isnt' happy, you can buy the world and it wouldn't make them happy, it's inside.

From a mom who understands.

[Jaw-Knee]

Get paternity testing done. Serious.

[JAWS22]

Originally Posted by Jaw-Knee

Get paternity testing done. Serious.

^^That+ no more black women.

[sirengrl1106]

OP,

I definitely encourage you to seek counseling with your wife. It is possible that she has postpartum depression. It's also possible that with two kids now she is overwhelmed. I know you work hard and keep up things around the house etc; but mommies can get overwhelmed easy when we are responsible for two other people. (I'm a mamma).

JSVR-4 is my husband and his reference to the book is spot on. That book was amazing for the BOTH of us to read. And he gave fantastic advice about you setting the boundaries for YOURSELF. You can't make your wife change, but I can guaruntee if you treat the situations differently and inadvertently force her to make different decisions, she'll change.

Don't be afraid to stand up to her and demand you get counseling if that is the avenue you want to explore. It saved our marriage. I recommend a female though, not because she will take your wife's side, but because your wife has the bulk of the issues and the female counselor will know how to speak her language a lot better than a man's. And may then also be able to explain to you better why your wife is behaving the way she is.

A word of advice as far as your daughters are concerned, don't ever have it out with your wife in front of them. If she starts barking at you in front of them, leave the room, shut the door and talk to her not in front of the kids. That is one thing my husband and I have decided as parents is not to bring that emotion around our son.

Good luck though. You're in for a long haul regardless of the path you choose, but working it out and the both of you coming to a healthy place in your life and with each other will be much better for everyone.

[treener]

Originally Posted by sirengrl1106

OP,


A word of advice as far as your daughters are concerned, don't ever have it out with your wife in front of them. If she starts barking at you in front of them, leave the room, shut the door and talk to her not in front of the kids. That is one thing my husband and I have decided as parents is not to bring that emotion around our son.

Yes. I couldn't stress this enough either.

I've heard somewhere that marriage isn't 50%/50% to make it 100% but 100% from both parties. It's hard work and sometimes we need help. My husband and I did as well and I am happy we did.

[jsVR-4]

Originally Posted by sirengrl1106

OP,

I definitely encourage you to seek counseling with your wife. It is possible that she has postpartum depression. It's also possible that with two kids now she is overwhelmed. I know you work hard and keep up things around the house etc; but mommies can get overwhelmed easy when we are responsible for two other people. (I'm a mamma).

JSVR-4 is my husband and his reference to the book is spot on. That book was amazing for the BOTH of us to read. And he gave fantastic advice about you setting the boundaries for YOURSELF. You can't make your wife change, but I can guaruntee if you treat the situations differently and inadvertently force her to make different decisions, she'll change.

Don't be afraid to stand up to her and demand you get counseling if that is the avenue you want to explore. It saved our marriage. I recommend a female though, not because she will take your wife's side, but because your wife has the bulk of the issues and the female counselor will know how to speak her language a lot better than a man's. And may then also be able to explain to you better why your wife is behaving the way she is.

A word of advice as far as your daughters are concerned, don't ever have it out with your wife in front of them. If she starts barking at you in front of them, leave the room, shut the door and talk to her not in front of the kids. That is one thing my husband and I have decided as parents is not to bring that emotion around our son.

Good luck though. You're in for a long haul regardless of the path you choose, but working it out and the both of you coming to a healthy place in your life and with each other will be much better for everyone.

OP,

See how well behaved and trained she is now that I've set my boundries?

I guess my training isn't quite finished yet.. because she would have had to leave the kitchen to type this message.. and I don't remember telling her she could. But, we've come a long way regardless.

(keep an eye out for my "I haven't gotten laid since posting on bb.com" thread in the next week)

[Irezumi]

Originally Posted by Tester_T

Totally disagree. Dumbest post I've ever read.

And why is that? Is it because he is 100% true and you know it? Truth does tend to hurt sometimes.

[jsVR-4]

Originally Posted by Irezumi

And why is that? Is it because he is 100% true and you know it? Truth does tend to hurt sometimes.

The way it was worded was incorrect. "Your priorities and happiness go out the window."

No.

That's completely false. My son is almost 3. The day he was born was the day my priorities and happiness shifted. I don't sit around and think, "Oh sh*t... I want a motorcycle but I have to buy freakin diapers for that little leech." Yes, I would like a motorcycle, but my priorities are with my son because that's what makes me happy. I love seeing him learn and grow up. My happiness lies in his happiness.. it doesn't go out the window.

Part of the priorities of being a parent is teaching your child how to be healthy. If he has miserable parents, his primary example of what a family unit is will be flawed. Teaching your child to be in a healthy relationship is your responsibilty as a parent. A divorce is hard on a child, but once you're through the divorce, if the child sees two happy parents he/she will be better off.

Yes, do everything possible to make the marriage work.

No, do not let someone walk all over you for years and destroy your self worth in front of your child.

[mydawgs]

Originally Posted by Irezumi

And why is that? Is it because he is 100% true and you know it? Truth does tend to hurt sometimes.

I agree that your priorities change the moment a child comes into the picture....but are you saying your own child negates your happiness as well?

[Jaw-Knee]

Originally Posted by mydawgs

I agree that your priorities change the moment a child comes into the picture....but are you saying your own child negates your happiness as well?

There are plenty of miserable people in the world whose misery stems from their offspring.

[mydawgs]

Originally Posted by Jaw-Knee

There are plenty of miserable people in the world whose misery stems from their offspring.

And there are plenty that treasure every day they have them.....