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Oh what a fund of joy jocund lies hid in harmless hoaxes!
What keen enjoyment springs
From cheap and simple things!
What deep delight from sources trite inventive humour coaxes,
That pain and trouble brew
For every one but you!
Gunpowder placed inside its waist improves a mild Havanah,
Its unexpected flash
Burns eyebrows and moustache.
When people dine no kind of wine beats ipecacuanha,
But common-sense suggests
You keep it for your guests —
Then naught annoys the organ boys like throwing red-hot coppers,
And such amusement bides
In common butter-slides:
And stringy snares across the stairs cause unexpected croppers.
Coal-scuttles, recollect,
Produce the same effect.
A man possessed
Of common-sense
Need not invest
At great expense —
It does not call
For pockets deep,
These jokes are all
Extremely cheap.
If you commence with eighteenpence — it’s all you have to pay;
You may command a pleasant and a most instructive day.
A good spring gun breeds endless fun, and makes men jump like rockets —
And turnip-heads on posts
Make very decent ghosts.
Then hornets sting like anything, when placed in waistcoat pockets —
Burnt corks and walnut juice
Are not without their use.
No fun compares with easy chairs whose seats are stuffed with needles —
Like shrimps their patience tax
When put down people’s backs —
Surprising too what one can do with a pint of fat black-beetles —
And treacle on a chair
Will make a Quaker swear!
When sharp tin tacks
And pocket squirts —
And cobbler’s wax
For ladies’ skirts —
And slimy slugs
On bedroom floors —
And water jugs
On open doors —
Prepared with these cheap properties, amusing tricks to play,
Upon a friend a man can spend a most delightful day!
- W.S. Gilbert, "His Excellency"
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"I attach a weight to anything that serves my purpose." -- George Dance, "The Nautch Girl"
The Misc: A destroyer of souls and a creator of ass-holes. But a place to go for some lolz. - wouldlikemuscle
Give a noob a fish and he'll have a fish. Teach a noob something about fishing and he'll be able to stop asking dumb questions.
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