Unsupportive spouse to gym time

Guff · 03-20-2009, 07:01 AM

Here lately my wife hasn't been real supportive of my gym time. I do have to admit though, I'm going twice a day now so I am spending a significant amount of time in there. My diet has become very strict, but she seems to try to talk me into cheating from time to time. I can understand her not having the same passion for my goals as me, but at times I actually view her as a hinderance to my progression either in her lack of support dietarily (is that a word?) or slight 'nagging' at me going to the gym. I remember Carl mentioning some issues with his spouse when he was prepping for a show. If I keep up this pace I can definitely see this becoming a much bigger issue. Anybody else deal with this?

LyingSac · 03-20-2009, 07:10 AM

Tell her what you just told us...

m1k3g0rd · 03-20-2009, 08:17 AM

Think about it this way; How would you feel about her doing the same thing, if you weren't?

snoack · 03-20-2009, 08:33 AM

Every once in awhile I have to deal with the same thing. My response is generally "so?". Of course, most of my training is done at home so it's not quite so bad.

If she doesn't share your motivation, that's not your fault.

My favorite one was one time when she told me that none of her friends' husbands worked out like I did.

My response was "I've met your friends' husbands. That's not exactly something you needed to tell me"

...Kennedy · 03-20-2009, 08:34 AM

Could be the time issue as you said. Is there a chance she feels a little insecure about her own level of fitness?

Nikonguy · 03-20-2009, 08:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snoack

My favorite one was one time when she told me that none of her friends' husbands worked out like I did.

My response was "I've met your friends' husbands. That's not exactly something you needed to tell me"

Lol.

MT_Pawkits · 03-20-2009, 08:42 AM

I have never dealt with this, but seriously, there are a lot worse things you could be doing with your time away from home, to me, the benefits you get from the gym, Ie: health and longevity is for her benefit as well. Anyway you could include her?

Good luck, great thread I am sure others will benefit from this topic as well.

Guinness42 · 03-20-2009, 08:43 AM

Yep I had similar problems when I started taking my training more serious. I think there were several issues that brought about the initial negativity.

Probably the main issue was that my change in eating habits and the change in my body was making her feel a little insecure and guilty for not taking better care of herself.

But, the cool thing is that now she has come around. She eats healthy, does cardio sometimes with me, and she has lost some weight. She even joined a weight watchers program with some friends from work.

She still gets a little irritated on some of the days that I go twice to the gym, but it's not really an issue anymore.

etali · 03-20-2009, 08:49 AM

Does she ever come with you to the gym? Do you think she would have fun if she did?

Could you replace one of your trips to the gym with a workout at home, so that you're spending more time together but still getting the exercise you need?

Preacher13 · 03-20-2009, 08:50 AM

I am with the other posters here. However, I might try to avoid a direct confrontation about her own possible issues, it might cause more problems for you down the road. Instead I'd recommend asking her opinion on why it is an issue for her, and don't tell her that you value her opinion, but show her somehow. Whatever you do, do not ask her to come along, though you could jointly go into town from time to time, she can drop you at the gym, then go do whatever errand she wants to do. That way you two do get some more time together, and she can see you are actually going in the gym and coming out of the gym, that you are not getting sweaty doing something inappropriate. Also it will put a little more pressure on you to complete your workout in a timely fashion. A nice trick to pull would be buying a semi-decent elliptical for home, putting it together when she's around, use it a couple times here and there and leave the "how to use" part of the instructions in the bathroom on top of the other reading material. Write on the last page (not the back cover) something simple like "Yes, you are welcome to use our machine" and never talk about the machine after that until she brings it up. She'll either come around or you'll need to seek the help of a relationship counselor.

reboot42 · 03-20-2009, 09:12 AM

Hi Guff,
In the winter I go to the gym 5-6 times a week-but only once a day. When it is warmer out I cut that back a bit and use the sidewalk for a couple of cardio workouts a week. The gym is close, and my husband hasn't complained at all.

I also take the kids with me at least once per week, and do a cardio session by swimming laps in the pool while they swim around and have some fun. So I'm not leaving him with the kids all the time either, as that would not be fair to him or our family. We both work-so our family is busy, and I try and be sensitive to that and work around the kids sports, school activities, family dinners etc. Not easy to juggle sometimes-but I am cautious to try and balance my family time with my gym time. There are times I just have to squeeze in a workout @ home.

I have some respiratory issues due to being a former smoker, and my husband is well aware that my exercise program and healthy eating are critical for maintaining my long term health.

I would try and be sensitive to your wives concerns. Twice a day is alot of training time, and less time for you to have couple/family time. I thought the elliptital @ home idea was a great one. Do you have room for cardio equipment or a weight bench @ home? If you could perhaps cut back your visits to one a day by having some equipment @ home-you might find her more supportive of your training.

Remember: For better or for worse. For richer or for poorer, till gym time do us part.......may not have been what she had in mind-

Compromise may be a dirty word in training or dietary habits, but it can be a lifesaver in marriage.

Good Luck.

chodan9 · 03-20-2009, 09:23 AM

If one of your daily workouts is cardio, then this could be a good opportunity to buy yourself a nice piece of cardio gear for home.
If she complains about the expense just say "I am buying it becasue I want to spend more time at home with you honey"

Guff · 03-20-2009, 09:27 AM

She did start going to the gym with me, but honestly she just doesn't have the same passion for it that I do...which I can understand. I've become borderline OCP and I realize this.

I understand the idea of compromise, but I'm pretty firm on this. I'm GOING to keep my eating habits and now..I won't cheat for a chicken fried steak and a beer (yet), and I'm going to keep my workout schedule.

**StlBarbie** · 03-20-2009, 09:28 AM

I would do everything possible to INCLUDE HER ..
even if she is not interested in working out with you ...
try and include her in what your goals are ..
why you do to the gym twice a day .. why your eating is as strict as it is ..
At least in those ways, she can feel like a member of the team even if she isn't on the field ...

BEST OF LUCK!!!

Guff · 03-20-2009, 09:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StlBarbie

I would do everything possible to INCLUDE HER ..
even if she is not interested in working out with you ...
try and include her in what your goals are ..
why you do to the gym twice a day .. why your eating is as strict as it is ..
At least in those ways, she can feel like a member of the team even if she isn't on the field ...

BEST OF LUCK!!!

I do try that. I always ask if her if she would like to go with me, or try to help with dinner and shopping. She still wishes to snack on cheetos and such, which is fine. I realize that this lifestyle is my choice and not hers.

**StlBarbie** · 03-20-2009, 09:36 AM

It is indeed a difficult situation ..
as it is really much more than just a 'hobby' but a lifestyle ...
I am just not sure that unless you are INTO IT ..
you truly do GET IT ...
At least, by sharing all your fitness and lifestyle goals with her you are keeping the communication open .. hopefully, she will begin to feel that it is an investment in both of you and your lives together!!

One hopeful step at a time ..

phikappa · 03-20-2009, 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by m1k3g0rd

Think about it this way; How would you feel about her doing the same thing, if you weren't?

Yeah, if my wife spent most of her free time at the gym (assuming I didn't also go) then I'd get a little peeved. Especially if you have kids. Everyone needs to feel loved and if you're not there, I'm sure she's not feeling loved.

Guff · 03-20-2009, 09:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phikappa

Yeah, if my wife spent most of her free time at the gym (assuming I didn't also go) then I'd get a little peeved. Especially if you have kids. Everyone needs to feel loved and if you're not there, I'm sure she's not feeling loved.

Let's keep it in perspective here...I'm not spending 'all' of my free time there. I now get up for work half an hour earlier so I can do cardio prior to work (time we would both normally be asleep, now she's asleep while I'm cardioing) and I spend an hour and a half in there immediately after work. I'm still home by about 5:30.

ntrllftr · 03-20-2009, 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guff

I'm still home by about 5:30.

When you get home tonight tell her that you want to go for a walk after you eat. (if it's warm enough)

Little things like that help make her feel like she is in your life.

Just my .02
.

phikappa · 03-20-2009, 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guff

Let's keep it in perspective here...I'm not spending 'all' of my free time there. I now get up for work half an hour earlier so I can do cardio prior to work (time we would both normally be asleep, now she's asleep while I'm cardioing) and I spend an hour and a half in there immediately after work. I'm still home by about 5:30.

Thanks for adding specifics. That helps with perspective.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ntrllftr

When you get home tonight tell her that you want to go for a walk after you eat. (if it's warm enough)

Little things like that help make her feel like she is in your life.

Just my .02
.

Good call. Do something together. Anything! Even if it's laundry.

warped · 03-20-2009, 10:10 AM

I have had the same thing from my better half as well. I make dinner 99% of the time and stop at the gym after work. Sometimes I get out around 7pm and get home around 7:30ish. I told her I was stopping and a comment was made about not eating dinner until 9pm! That's when I told her this is the way it will be and I am not running home and skipping the gym to cook you dinner. I went on to tell her she's a big girl and if she is hungry make something. After this I have not heard one peep about my time in the gym. She has even joined me and now goes to a few muscle works classes and walks on the treadmill, she has even suggested she join me in the weightroom.

Stay with it, chances are they will see the improvements and will hop on board with you.

snoack · 03-20-2009, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guff

Let's keep it in perspective here...I'm not spending 'all' of my free time there. I now get up for work half an hour earlier so I can do cardio prior to work (time we would both normally be asleep, now she's asleep while I'm cardioing) and I spend an hour and a half in there immediately after work. I'm still home by about 5:30.

seems to me that you're being extremely accomodating with this schedule.

Bo_Flecks · 03-20-2009, 10:15 AM

With three little ones running around the house, I have to be very conscious of my time away from my wife.

To allow for this I sold one very expensive piece of hobby equipment, and used the money to put some gym equipment in my basement. This lets me work out around her (and the kid's) schedule a lot more easily. I have my set workout days, but allow her to decide when is the best time on those days for me to slip off to the "iron den."

She appreciates the consideration, and I get to work out with little or no guilt.

Guff · 03-20-2009, 10:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snoack

seems to me that you're being extremely accomodating with this schedule.

Thank you. Honestly we DO do stuff together. Tues and Wed is Idol night, we spend time together on the couch and watch it. We have a few other progams during the week that we set aside simply to spend time together on the couch. It's not like I'm gone every waking hour.

LyingSac · 03-20-2009, 10:32 AM

she can bring you down or you can lift her up,or at least agree to disagree,I coexist wife my non workout wife just fine,but i'm always open and up front.

GnomusMaximus · 03-20-2009, 10:48 AM

I have done my best to include my wife and family. My activities are a little different than most but I think maybe some things might be helpful. I have found an outlet for my lifting(Highland Games/Strongman) that allows my wife and family to go along for the other activities, and offers us a chance to travel. We have made freinds with people from other aspects of the Highland Games crowd (bands etc.). When I train/practice in my yard I take the kids and wife outside. Usually the neighbors hear me come out and next thing you know the adults are all sitting around sipping wine while the kids play and I pick up rocks.

There are times when the wife gets a bit cranky about gym time but I don't blame her. I have noticed that ever since I got the invite to Scotland she has been REALLY supportive of my lifting/throwing.

I guess maybe the point is that there might be ways to include your family that you never thought of. Go do a lifting meet (just go do your best) and take the family for the hotel stay. Go to a strongman contest maybe they will find it fun. Take the wife to an expo with a BB contest, I don't know I just think there are so many different ways to include others. Once she understands maybe she'll be more supportive.

bebeklein · 03-20-2009, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guff

Thank you. Honestly we DO do stuff together. Tues and Wed is Idol night, we spend time together on the couch and watch it. We have a few other progams during the week that we set aside simply to spend time together on the couch. It's not like I'm gone every waking hour.

Ummm, I think you need to upgrade how you spend time together. If my man thought watching tv on the couch a couple of times a week was quality time, I'd have to tell him to kick rocks.

No I wouldn't, actually yes I would.

What's this other stuff you DO together?

Another source of resentment might be you're not pulling your fair share around the house. So that time you spend in the gym....it's because you LIKE to do it and we all make time to do the things we like doing. If you're not doing the stuff around the house, she is left holding the bag, and she'll resent you and the things you spend your fun time on

Guff · 03-20-2009, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bebeklein

Ummm, I think you need to upgrade how you spend time together. If my man thought watching tv on the couch a couple of times a week was quality time, I'd have to tell him to kick rocks.

No I wouldn't, actually yes I would.

What's this other stuff you DO together?

Another source of resentment might be you're not pulling your fair share around the house. So that time you spend in the gym....it's because you LIKE to do it and we all make time to do the things we like doing. If you're not doing the stuff around the house, she is left holding the bag, and she'll resent you and the things you spend your fun time on

This is way off the target. The point of "tv time" was just to point out that during the week we do spend time together...it's not like I'm in the gym 24/7.

progainer · 03-20-2009, 01:04 PM

I have the same issue. My wife hates me to be at the gym. Tokeep her happy often I wake early and go before work but it is so early, that the owner of my gym had to give me a key to get in! During contest prep you would think I was going through a divorce she hated me

IronIc · 03-20-2009, 03:08 PM

I have issues w/lack of support at home as well -- actually he does not mind the gym time (I go once daily) but diet -- watch out!

It's always war when it comes to my diet.

Is there any way you can go just once to the gym -- I understand that your sessions may be really long if you go just once -- or if not, I agree w/a couple of other posters that it's time to purchase cardio equipment for home.

The key is balance, balance, balance. This lifestyle is really hard on partners who don't share our passion for fitness. I suggest you find some meaningful quality time with her pronto. Yeah, not TV time, but an activity that both of you enjoy. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is worth more than a good marriage