Breaking Free.....for Me! :)

twinnett · 02-22-2009, 07:12 PM

Ok...cheesiest journal title ever? Perhaps...lol

I'm baaaaaackkkkkk....lol

Yes, it's only been a 2 week break, but I have got to get myself back on track and keeping a journal has always been something that I love. I love the support and friendship and the accountability and kicks in the butt!

If you don't know me, I've had my ups and downs....overweight up through college..high of 185#...then I developed an eating disorder and slowly got deeper and deeper into it until I realized that I was killing myself...105# and absolutely miserable.

I discovered this place and the fantastic Emma Leigh...weight lifting literally saved my life. I started learning to eat in order to fuel my body and build muscle.

In the past few months though, I have found myself with a new disorder...a binge disorder. I have tried different things: not counting macros, counting macros, allowing myself "forbidden" foods, banning this foods from the house..nothing seems to help!

The past two weeks, I have been eating basically anything I wanted: lots of sandwiches, frappachianos, bread, bread, more bread, nuts cheese.....had a weekend away visiting my brother at college and got back into old eating habits with my parents...eating until sick, not just satisfied...I mean these are people that eat dessert after BREAKFAST...lol

I have decided that today was the last day of that destructive behavior. I am constantly sabotaging my efforts to be healthy: just ate 3 chocolate chips cookies and milk AFTER a big dinner of soup, bread and a sandwich..stopped even tasting the food...

I am done with the sabotage...do I expect you all to believe this? No..not really...because I've said it before...only I can know that this time it's for real. This time, I am doing this for me...because I deserve it..my body deserves to be treated with respect and I have been abusing it and using food as a drug

I was debating on whether to journal again, but I think there are a lot of women who suffer from emotional and binge eating and I want there to be a place where we can share hardships and success and get on the road to health! I'm not going to be chained to this place though like I was before..part of my OCD personality led me to feel compelled to visit EVERY thread and journal EVERY day...umm...can we say I neglected things like cleaning, my job, my husband, etc?? There is more to life than planning my menu on nutridiary and planning out workouts and reading about other people's food and workouts..lol

My goals: I am not planning on competing anytime soon...I don't want to set myself up for another eating disorder...my goal is to stop using food to smother my emotions and "zone out" of real life and my problems.

I felt best around 130-135#, so that's where I would like to settle and maintain...but I don't want to do some extreme, crazy diet. I want to make healthy changes and do this the right way..for good!! I'd like to get there by the time I go to grad school in June..

I do know that I need to have some sort of meal plan. I have seen what happens when I don't...handfuls of nuts leads to half a box of crackers...then oh well...huge dinner...and what the heck..dessert! lol

So my loose plan for this first week is to stay between 1600-1800 calories. I'm not going to cut carbs down right away...going to stick around 40/40/20 and see what my progress is like.

I'm going to lift 5 days this week, with 2 long cardio days and 2 days of intervals

I'm sort of afraid to weigh myself tomorrow morning..lol..but it's just a number and I want to know where I'm starting from. I refuse to let it rule my life though!

I also refuse to compare what I'm doing to others on here. I just finished Tom Venuto's new book...really good section on emotional eating. I like how he says that ANY workouts and ANY changes in diet is better than doing nothing...so I'm just going to take this week by week....stick to my plan and make changes when necessary. My problem has always been doubting myself and changing things too much..getting frustrated, bingeing, then ending up even fatter than before!

Anyway, I had a good weekend visiting Phil. He's borrowing Bailey again...I came home and Drew had done some cleaning..yay!

I have a new Dr. now who I really like!! He's very hot too! He did some tests and found that my sex hormones are very low, so I"m going in for a pap tomorrow and to discuss further tests that he did...

I hope you've all been well....sort of watching the Oscar's. I plan on getting to bed pretty soon..I'm getting up early to walk and I have to be at school pretty early...

So...I look forward to doing this without letting it freak me out..lol..I have got some good muscle under there...I can see it peeking through..it just needs to be uncovered!!

TODAY: BACK/BIS/ABS

ASSISTED PULLUPS: 70#x5, 3x6: 75#
T BAR ROWS: sled +20x12, +30x10, +35x8 for 2 sets
CABLE ROWS: 4x10: 60#
ST. BAR PD: 3x15: 60# superset w/ 1 ARM ROWS: 25#x15 for 3 sets

BB BI CURLS: 2x 21s: 35#
CONCENTRATION CURLS: 4x10: 12#/hand superset w/ DUEL CABLE CURLS: 20#/side x10 for 3 sets
PREACHERS: 4x10: 35# 1x30: 25#

CRUNCHES, REVERSE CRUNCHES, OBLIQUE CRUNCHES: 2x20

15 min. cardio: 3x 2 min. walk/3 min jog (yes, I'm out of shape!) I want to be able to run again!!

serinebean · 02-22-2009, 07:30 PM

Welcome back

AbramsAM · 02-22-2009, 07:52 PM

Hiiii Tara!!

Tom Venuto has a new book?? I liked the BFFM book - some things we already know, but a good read anyway. What is his new book called?

I hope you get some ideas of what might be going on with the new docs - hope tomorrow passes quickly, I hate paps!

I would be sad letting someone borrow my doggie! I feel all weird when I come home and if hubs took him somewhere and the house is quiet, I get lonely

Hope you have a great week!!

IronMaiden1522 · 02-22-2009, 08:16 PM

Hey Tara, good to see you back!

ubermumma · 02-22-2009, 08:52 PM

Welcome home

imperfectly_lou · 02-23-2009, 01:46 AM

I knew yo? wouldn't be gone for long

Welcome back Tara

**Emma-Leigh** · 02-23-2009, 01:59 AM

Ohhh... look-ie what we have here!

Welcome back Muscles.

moisy · 02-23-2009, 02:19 AM

Good to see you back

I just want to see you happy and working out for the sheer joy of it!!

twinnett · 02-23-2009, 04:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by serinebean

Welcome back

Hi!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by AbramsAM

Hiiii Tara!!

Tom Venuto has a new book?? I liked the BFFM book - some things we already know, but a good read anyway. What is his new book called?

I hope you get some ideas of what might be going on with the new docs - hope tomorrow passes quickly, I hate paps!

I would be sad letting someone borrow my doggie! I feel all weird when I come home and if hubs took him somewhere and the house is quiet, I get lonely

Hope you have a great week!!

Hi Angela! The new book is The Five Rules for Fat Loss or something like that..commen sense, but a good read!

Quote:

Originally Posted by IronMaiden1522

Hey Tara, good to see you back!

Hey Jenny!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ubermumma

Welcome home

Thanks! It feels good to be back!

Quote:

Originally Posted by imperfectly_lou

I knew yo? wouldn't be gone for long Welcome back Tara

hee hee...I knew I wouldn't be either..lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emma-Leigh

Ohhh... look-ie what we have here!
Welcome back Muscles.

Thanks Emma!

Quote:

Originally Posted by moisy

Good to see you back
I just want to see you happy and working out for the sheer joy of it!!

Me too

twinnett · 02-23-2009, 04:07 AM

Morning all! Could not sleep last night...got up early and walked for 30 min. on the treadmill...off to teach an early morning lesson....

Weighed in and :cue scary music:

Almost a month of "intuitive" aka binge eating and stuffing myself has left me at:

158#....

It's ok..I know some is water, some is bloat...I've been constipated...I can get this down..just have to relax, follow my plan and let it happen!!!

Buffycat3 · 02-23-2009, 04:09 AM

Ahhh Tara!
It's great to see you back!
I wish you nothing but the best!!
Enjoy Everything!!

jaim91 · 02-23-2009, 04:58 AM

The Body Fat solution is a kick butt book! Good call!!

Glad to see you back!

_Bethany_ · 02-23-2009, 05:23 AM

Glad your back! =)

soon2Bgoddess · 02-23-2009, 05:34 AM

Hi Tara!!

vanessa40 · 02-23-2009, 08:35 AM

Hi Tara,
I have missed you..
You know we have the same problems so it's always nice to come here and have someone to chat with..
You take care..

girl22 · 02-23-2009, 08:43 AM

Girl, good luck to you!!!!!!!!!!

PorscheGal · 02-23-2009, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by twinnett

Morning all! Could not sleep last night...got up early and walked for 30 min. on the treadmill...off to teach an early morning lesson....

Weighed in and :cue scary music:

Almost a month of "intuitive" aka binge eating and stuffing myself has left me at:

158#....

It's ok..I know some is water, some is bloat...I've been constipated...I can get this down..just have to relax, follow my plan and let it happen!!!

Hi Tara, I completely understand here! After my "break" that's about where I ended up too and finally decided to do what works best for me and that is Weight Watchers and it's working (I'm working it actually!). Once you figure out your path, it will fall into place.

Miranda · 02-23-2009, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by twinnett

Almost a month of "intuitive" aka binge eating and stuffing myself

i strongly suggest you look into 'homeostatic hunger'.

'intuition' only works if you know what to listen to.

PS get off the fuking scale.

jaim91 · 02-23-2009, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miranda

i strongly suggest you look into 'homeostatic hunger'.

'intuition' only works if you know what to listen to.

PS get off the fuking scale.

We're on the same wavelength...I was thinking the homeostatic vs. hedonic too!!!

(lol @ the ps...)

twinnett · 02-23-2009, 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffycat3

Ahhh Tara!
It's great to see you back!
I wish you nothing but the best!!
Enjoy Everything!!

Hi Joan!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaim91

The Body Fat solution is a kick butt book! Good call!!

Glad to see you back!

Thanks hon...yeah.it's a good read!

Quote:

Originally Posted by _Bethany_

Glad your back! =)

Quote:

Originally Posted by soon2Bgoddess

Hi Tara!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanessa40

Hi Tara,
I have missed you..
You know we have the same problems so it's always nice to come here and have someone to chat with..
You take care..

Hi girls!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl22

Girl, good luck to you!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by PorscheGal

Hi Tara, I completely understand here! After my "break" that's about where I ended up too and finally decided to do what works best for me and that is Weight Watchers and it's working (I'm working it actually!). Once you figure out your path, it will fall into place.

I've joined WW with my best friend actually to help her out..I'm a lifetime member....I just can't stay with the low amount of points they suggest!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miranda

i strongly suggest you look into 'homeostatic hunger'.

'intuition' only works if you know what to listen to.

PS get off the fuking scale.

it's staying off the scale that led me to gain this much without admitting it!
I agree that I wasn't being intuitive b/c I was ignoring my saity signals

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaim91

We're on the same wavelength...I was thinking the homeostatic vs. hedonic too!!!

(lol @ the ps...)

yeah yeah...well I have to know if something's working or NOT working!

twinnett · 02-23-2009, 06:23 PM

MONDAY: 2/23

WEIGHT: 158#
TANITA BF: 26%

WATER 3.5 L

ACTIVITY: 30 min. AM treadmill walking

FOOD:

1: iced coffee with whey
2: oat/ egg beater/flaxseed muffin with blueberries
3: chicken, green beans, apple slices, LF string cheese, ezekiel pita
4: chicken, lettuce, ezekiel english muffin, flax oil
5: light frap
6: low carb tortilla, chicken, low fat cheese, veggies
7: whey "pudding" with PB (just whey and water..lol)

~~~1725-1750 cals~~~

Too many starchy carbs probably, but I'm working this week on just keeping in a calorie range and NOT having a binge!!

Tomorrow, I'll walk in the morning, lift in the evening after my Dr. appt.

Went and had my pap smear today...so much fun! Dr. says that he thinks my pituitary gland is messed up and not producing my sex hormones...having an MRI on Thursday

Hoping I can sleep tonight...been just lying awake and thinking about stuff...found a note my 7th graders were writing about how I was a "loser" and a "fat ass"....it really hurt...I know..they're 13 but to read them saying that "she used to be so skinny....too many cookies"...it was just mean..I had been wondering what they were laughing about. Kids can be cruel, but I'm an adult and I know that kids do and say stupid things...a lot! lol

Drew's bday is this weekend. Not sure what to do for him...no money, so it has to be something cheap!!

soon2Bgoddess · 02-23-2009, 06:48 PM

well, if you're hormones are messed up, it can mess with your weight too. Make it harder to lose. A friend of mine just had to start using progesterone cream bc her body quit producing it (she is 27) and she has started losing weight. She also started getting monthly visits from TOM again

IronMaiden1522 · 02-23-2009, 08:02 PM

Kids are mean, I hope you don't let it bother you too much. But I know I would be hurt too even if its 13yr olds. Make them have lots of homework or something

Hopefully the doc will figure out once and for all what is going on!

Food sounds yummy and healthy

mizone · 02-23-2009, 11:50 PM

Welcome back Tara.
Screw those kids, what do they know.

And when is Bailey coming home??

serinebean · 02-23-2009, 11:58 PM

They cant understand Tara.
I know it hurts.

Are they all perfect?

Weight comes off.
But if you are a mean and nasty person.....it will catch up to you in one way or another.

Miranda · 02-24-2009, 12:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by twinnett

it's staying off the scale that led me to gain this much without admitting it!

i think you have an interesting relationship with the scale. do you mean you used not weighing yourself as an 'excuse' to eat? the scale dictates how you do and do not eat? 'intuitive eating' my arse.

weigh 'more' > start dieting > scale won't move > freak out > change diet > won't work > relapse > start all over again > find yet another shiny new approach > all the while hopping on the scale to see if it's 'working'. bah.

you started a new journal. i'm happy to see you around here again.

but, and it is a BIG but . . . everything you said in your first post . . . you've said several times before. there is something WRONG in what you're doing. if you want to repeat the SAME behaviour in a slightly different guise and hope you'll get different results, you're, well, either lying to yourself or simply insane.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tara

well I have to know if something's working or NOT working!

that's a bunch of crap. if you need to weigh yourself, do it every two weeks or once a month. you know well enough all the scale can give is a number.

you say you were 'comfortable' at 130-135 pounds but i remember you doubted yourself every time your weight went up or down. now, what would that mean . . . hm?

scale number is a 'label' you stick to yourself.
why not weigh yourself on jupiter for some added drama?

imperfectly_lou · 02-24-2009, 12:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by twinnett

Drew's bday is this weekend. Not sure what to do for him...no money, so it has to be something cheap!![/b]

Hmmmm a striptease followed by hours of mind blowing sex? Cheap AND burns cals!

ubermumma · 02-24-2009, 12:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by imperfectly_lou

Hmmmm a striptease followed by hours of mind blowing sex? Cheap AND burns cals!

Great advice Lou

I wanted to write the same thing earlier but thought i should censor myself after potentially lude comments in KBs journal..tee he he.

Tara you know the binge eating is a symptom, what's the cause?

kitebean · 02-24-2009, 12:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by imperfectly_lou

Hmmmm a striptease followed by hours of mind blowing sex? Cheap AND burns cals!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ubermumma

Great advice Lou

I wanted to write the same thing earlier but thought i should censor myself after potentially lude comments in KBs journal..tee he he.

you crazy aussie pervs!!!!! I LOVE IT!! and Drew will as well!!!

and don't worry kim, you could NEVER shock me (oh yea except for that one time in the supermarket

)

(sorry Tara, we'll get a room!) hehehee

sherdi · 02-24-2009, 12:47 AM

yup....having fun in the bedroom is free

You could make a really nice dinner, get a bottle of wine (you don't have to spend heaps here), some candles, relaxing music, a birthday card and there you have it....you never know what might happen after that!

I am glad that you are around again and that you have found a good Dr. who is helping you.

I also think you need to make sure you do this in a sensible way Tara. I understand that you think you don't have to count calories, etc, and really you don't...just because you are not "counting" calories or sticking to a "plan" does not give you an excuse to eat willy nilly....you really know what you need to eat and you can still eat bread...just limit those things that you seem to binge on instead of getting rid of it all together...be mindful of the food on your plate.