I'll write this in the hope that someone out there cares.
Realize this is about as serious as it gets and this is going to be a long post. If you don't care about other people, or just want to add your jab just move on please.
It's 25th and i'm going to sleep with a .40 S&W sitting next to me half there for protection and half there for killing myself. I smoked heroin all day because i'm lost, i'm hurt.... i'm so many things.
Rewind 5 years. I started working out at age 17. I played sports all my life (varsity football (real football, not the american kind among others). I was the smallest kid in school up until my 19th birthday. My father is a neurosurgeon and I had some tests done. Someone mentioned putting me on growth hormone (*laughs* who would'a thunk?) at the time there wasn't enough information on GH so nothing ever came of it. Fastforward a bit i'm 21 years old, i'm 5'9 and I flop from 200-208lbs in the 10% BF range. I'm happy with my life.
Then it starts, I meet a guy in the gym that needs help and I let him live in my house and he moves out of his horrible apartment in a horrible part of where I lived (Ann Arbor, Mi). He had a buddy come back from Iraq (I had a medical discharge from the USMC pls note). I started smoking weed, I lost a full ride sponsorship for racing motorcycles because I became lazy although throuhout it all I still lifted.
Between my 21 and 22nd birthday I moved to Utah. (Long story). Some things started to happen. I started to gain a lot of fat without changing any of my habits. So I ended up going to a doctor after loosing roughly 15lbs of muscle in 2-3months. Turns out I have a tumor on my petuitary gland along with being pre-diabetic (wtf that means). I have adrenal issues, my test level and GH levels are eqal to that of a 68 year old male while i'm sitting here 23 years old. Over the last two years i've run into a lot of medical issues. Some of them pain related. The doctor put me on Oxycontin (yes, we all know). I went ahead and worked out 5 days a week and golfed 7 days a week. (I don't work, I play sports and go out and party, another long story). So i'm guessing ive done some serious damage to my back at this point because ive been using it hard because im so messed up on OC (Oxycontin).
I'm now going to be turning 25 shortly. I've had a nerve moved in my left arm (I used roids when I was younger <has nothing to do with the tumor>) and climbed to a 200lb curl way too fast for an 18-19 year old kid. I've been on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) on and off for the last few years. I finally (i'm about to leave in an hour to see my psych) getting off the oxycontin. I still have bad back pain, I have a a left arm that can't pick up more then 5 lbs (ya, no more 75lbers with that arm). I've bloated up to 250lbs (God knows, 35% BF?) I'm just about to get back on the Growth Hormone, my test, my thyroid and a few other things i'm not going to mention here for the safety of my doc.
My issue is.... How the **** do I do it?
I had to break up with my GF (2 weeks ago, my choice).
I had to stop doing drugs.
I'm a fat POS.
I can't find one once of motivation in my body to get going again.
I used to step in the gym and i'd get that attention while very superfecial I loved. I know there are people out there much worse off then I am but to each their own right? I just don't know how to do it.
I even have weights ranging from 5-100lbs and a incline/decline/flat bench in my house.
I just can't seem to do it....I want my old life back.
I want to be happy without drugs.
I want my abs back.
I want my 20inch arms back.
I want my lats ripping out of my shirt again.
Sure, i'm all about looks (ya, thats another problem I have. I used to hit the gym 3 times a day. Cardio (tred) home eat , rest gym (raquetball for 1-3hours) home, eat rest, gym (lift). Go out party it up once or twice a week and do whatever else when it came up.
Someone....give me some kind of motivation.
Tell me what a blind idiot I am and what I have.
Someone tell me what an ******* I am to have all the help in the world (my father is a doctor and I have an endless financial and medical world to support me).
My god damn mind just can't get up and go again.
What the hell do you do with an arm that can't even lift 5 lbs?
(I use a rubber band once a day for 30mins or use a 5lb weight for 10mins)
I just need help....i've done nothing but spend my life spending my time, my money and everything I have helping everyone else at the expense of myself (i'm not trying to give myself praise i'm just being honest). For once in my life i'm admiting that I can't carry the globe on my shoulders and I don't know what to do now.
Thread: Nerve,Tumor,Drugs, ect