Found this on yahoo answers.
You know how some people have to wear a colostomy bag? I think you need to wear a flatulence baloon.
What you do is you find the longest possible straw with one of those flexible bends in it. Take the end that would go in your drink and duct tape a large, empty balloon to it.
Then, take the end that would go into your mouth and stick it deep into your @ss. The idea is that as the gas approaches your anal sphincter, instead of passing out of your @ss, flapping your brown star and announcing to the world what a gasseous freak you are, the stench will instead silently vent into the balloon.
Now that I think of it, some durable surgical tubing might be a better choice than the straw. It comes in greater lengths, so you can decide whether to keep the baloon in your pocket or maybe just carry it under your arm. And when one baloon is full, you can use a clothespin or some sort of clamp to stem the tide while you tie off the first baloon and affix a new one.
It also might hurt less sliding the tubing into your @ss each morning.
One thing to consider is what to do with the baloons when they are full. I think it would be fun if you collected them and maybe gave them to friends or colleagues at work. But probably the environmental thing to do is to burn off their contents, with a sort of bunsen burner for your @ss gas.
I think you could mount the baloon with the mouth up and hold a match in the stream as you unclamp it. But to do this, you've got to avoid knotting the baloon when it's full because you'll never be able to untie it. Maybe you could use those small, black binder clips they have in most offices.
Honestly, I think you can turn this "problem" you have into something fun and unique about yourself. You might even become a clown because you will always have balloons with you. (An @ss clown, you might say...)
And the best part is, you can add some variety to your diet, like oatmeal, green peppers, broccolli and a lot of other high-fiber, high-flatulence foods that you have been avoiding.
Good luck and Happy Venting.
Thread: Solution for farting too much.