The Biggest Disaster of my Career

trollmaster6000 · 08-26-2008, 09:02 AM

I work at an investment firm, and last week I had a presentation in front of the board of directors. Everything was resting on this presentation- if I pulled it off I was looking at immediate promotion. I took the podium and everything went of without a hitch at first. But then about 10 minutes into it, I realized that I had to urinate. I probably shouldn?t have drank those energy drinks (I forgot that they make me pee every 15 minutes).

Another twenty minutes went by and by this time I was about to burst. That?s when I realized that I had to pass gas, otherwise it was going to be one of those farts that, un-loosed, lets out a loud gurgle every 40 seconds (which might as well be a fart) or whenever it needs to readjust itself to an incoming fece. Not only that but the combination of expanding gas and mounting turd mass had together increased pressure considerably on my bladder.

The time had come where I needed to make a choice. I could either hold the fart for the moment, readjusting periodically to prevent the gas from farting internally and try to bear the pain of the urine mounting on my urethra and kidneys or I could pass the gas, providing an extra two minutes of bladder control and momentary relief from the miserable feeling of retained gas, but risk a potentially cheek-rattling plume of foulness. At the moment, it didn't feel like one of those awful hot farts, and my ******* seemed ready for the task of slipping one library style, so I decided to go with the second option.

I let one out, and to my relief it was pretty quiet. It let out a single dry clap towards the end, but nobody except for maybe the IT guy sitting behind me at the monitor noticed. What he didn't notice, and what i hadn't considered when i came up with the plan, was what happened in the front of my pants. When I loosed the fart, I lost total control of my bladder and quickly wet the entire length of my khakis top to bottom. I couldn't stop. I had given myself in so much to the gas relief that my urine sphincter had given in. I had effectively crowned, the water had broken, and there was no going back. It looked like I was in the front row at sea world, but for the moment I was safe behind the podium.

Lucky for me I had taken one of my brother's anxiety meds before the presentation or I probably would have **** myself in a panic.

So I went through with the rest of the presentation, fielding questions and cracking the occassional joke when I needed to. Everything was going smoothly. This went on for another 30 minutes, but the pants had only barely dried, so I figured I was screwed. I couldn't leave from behind the podium. Everybody would think that I was crazy, or they would assume that I had pissed my pants like a fool and they'd probably pull me back and make fun of me.

But an opportunity presented itself, a single chance to evade career ending humiliation. I saw in the periphary a server approach with a pitcher of water. She was going to walk right behind me on her way to the far end of the table! My plan was to turn back as she passed me and pretend to make a gesture at a figure on the power point slide but instead pull the pitcher onto myself, getting water all over my pants. Freedom from serious embarassment was in sight.

But that's not what happened.

I misestimated the position of the pitcher and instead grabbed directly on to her breast, which quickly soaked itself under my hand which had paralyzed itself on the supple 34C as she recoiled, pitcher in hand, in horror. I did not manage to get a single drop on me. Terrified, the poor woman's gaze rested on my pants and she ran, screaming, into the hallway.

To make a long story short, my situation was quickly realized by everyone in the room and everyone on the board of directors shuddered in disgust. Rather than face them I ran away and haven't been back since.

wrenny420 · 08-26-2008, 09:03 AM

2 stars.

StUck686 · 08-26-2008, 09:04 AM

why didnt u just be like OK 5 MIN BREAK! maybe someone else had to go to the bathroom too

CTpump · 08-26-2008, 09:04 AM

Oh that sucks...that sounds like the biggest humiliation you had. Best thing to do is NOT eat or drink anything before a big presentation.

oxs22 · 08-26-2008, 09:05 AM

please?

FunkDaddy · 08-26-2008, 09:06 AM

urine sphincter

LumpyGeek · 08-26-2008, 09:07 AM

stop wasting my time, you prick

RisSsky · 08-26-2008, 09:08 AM

at least you didn't get pictures of yourself with jizz all over your face posted on the company site.

BFX43 · 08-26-2008, 10:59 AM

damn man i feel sorry for you but its better than ^^^^^^^^

brianphi · 08-26-2008, 11:03 AM

anti-climatic read

Sherman60 · 08-26-2008, 11:07 AM

BFX43 · 08-26-2008, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brianphi

anti-climatic read

yeah you did expect him to get caught and fired or be the joke of the office or everybody not care or something...

Sherman60 · 08-26-2008, 11:11 AM

WOw I actually read it.

Cliffs:

-Guy pisses his pants whilst letting out a fart in very important presentation
- Tries to cover it up, but instead feels up some woman
- Runs in horror, hasn't returned

Not really worth reading.

HoosierBoy · 08-26-2008, 11:15 AM

What a coincidence because I work at an investment firm, and last week I had a presentation in front of the board of directors. Everything was resting on this presentation- if I pulled it off I was looking at immediate promotion. I took the podium and everything went of without a hitch at first. But then about 10 minutes into it, I realized that I had to urinate. I probably shouldn?t have drank those energy drinks (I forgot that they make me pee every 15 minutes).

Another twenty minutes went by and by this time I was about to burst. That?s when I realized that I had to pass gas, otherwise it was going to be one of those farts that, un-loosed, lets out a loud gurgle every 40 seconds (which might as well be a fart) or whenever it needs to readjust itself to an incoming fece. Not only that but the combination of expanding gas and mounting turd mass had together increased pressure considerably on my bladder.

The time had come where I needed to make a choice. I could either hold the fart for the moment, readjusting periodically to prevent the gas from farting internally and try to bear the pain of the urine mounting on my urethra and kidneys or I could pass the gas, providing an extra two minutes of bladder control and momentary relief from the miserable feeling of retained gas, but risk a potentially cheek-rattling plume of foulness. At the moment, it didn't feel like one of those awful hot farts, and my ******* seemed ready for the task of slipping one library style, so I decided to go with the second option.

I let one out, and to my relief it was pretty quiet. It let out a single dry clap towards the end, but nobody except for maybe the IT guy sitting behind me at the monitor noticed. What he didn't notice, and what i hadn't considered when i came up with the plan, was what happened in the front of my pants. When I loosed the fart, I lost total control of my bladder and quickly wet the entire length of my khakis top to bottom. I couldn't stop. I had given myself in so much to the gas relief that my urine sphincter had given in. I had effectively crowned, the water had broken, and there was no going back. It looked like I was in the front row at sea world, but for the moment I was safe behind the podium.

Lucky for me I had taken one of my brother's anxiety meds before the presentation or I probably would have **** myself in a panic.

So I went through with the rest of the presentation, fielding questions and cracking the occassional joke when I needed to. Everything was going smoothly. This went on for another 30 minutes, but the pants had only barely dried, so I figured I was screwed. I couldn't leave from behind the podium. Everybody would think that I was crazy, or they would assume that I had pissed my pants like a fool and they'd probably pull me back and make fun of me.

But an opportunity presented itself, a single chance to evade career ending humiliation. I saw in the periphary a server approach with a pitcher of water. She was going to walk right behind me on her way to the far end of the table! My plan was to turn back as she passed me and pretend to make a gesture at a figure on the power point slide but instead pull the pitcher onto myself, getting water all over my pants. Freedom from serious embarassment was in sight.

But that's not what happened.

I misestimated the position of the pitcher and instead grabbed directly on to her breast, which quickly soaked itself under my hand which had paralyzed itself on the supple 34C as she recoiled, pitcher in hand, in horror. I did not manage to get a single drop on me. Terrified, the poor woman's gaze rested on my pants and she ran, screaming, into the hallway.

To make a long story short, my situation was quickly realized by everyone in the room and everyone on the board of directors shuddered in disgust. Rather than face them I ran away and haven't been back since.